The Frank Skinner Show - True Petty Crime

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

Today's podcast gets Judge heavy and includes an exploration of the True Crime genre. Frankoff, Emily and Pierre discuss last wishes, dog ghosts and an unsuccessful audition. Contact that show [e-mail] Frank Off The Radio: The Frank Skinner Podcast is an Avalon Production Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio featuring him and that posh lady-o and the one with the French name who from South Africa came They're all here open brackets array Close brackets today Tom Tilley on Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom, stick it in your family Album Oh Africa, what a picture, what a photograph, poor old man there were nothing on. In the Jim Rowe circus, clap hands, stamp your feet. Have we started now? I wish people had told me when we'd started. They're not going to keep in that flashbang thing, are they?

They might do. It's organic. Yes. The people love it. Do they? They love those, they don't know they're on. Yeah. All right, Gen Z.

So all those Netflix documentaries start with someone sitting down going, are we recording? Can I have a coffee? And they're putting the microphone on and going, Makes it feel real. Stuff that people love. You know what Mark Twain said, if you find yourself on the side of the majority, you should reconsider your position. Hi, everyone. Anyway, this is Frank off the radio,

which sounds like a sort of a Russian impressionist. Frank off the radio. This week he is dressed as a big Dan set radio. This is Frankof the Radio, I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. I've got two more spit in my mouth. You can email the... have you got one of those tubes you get at the dentist? That's better. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. I've just said that. You

can email the podcast, oh the podcast this and the podcast that. We're at frankoftheradio at AvalonUK.com. I'm still laughing at Frankof. Frankof. The Radio. The radio. Is that an original, Frankov? The radio? No, it's sort of one of those Russian performance artists who becomes a radio. And he has a big dial on his chest and he goes, we are a band. He does all these, you know, he does all the world series. And a sort of dance to imply broadcasting. Yes.

So big arm and leg motions. Yes. I'm broadcasting, you know. As you see, we're still doing the same mainstream content. I'm sorry I missed Frank Of. Pander into the masses with all these Frank Of nostalgia references. Always trying to be relevant. Like Peter Caine.

I saw Frank Of. Oh remembers Frank Of. I saw him at the live scene in 1930s. I bloody love Frank Goff. I tell you what, what about George Jeffries everyone? Oh yeah, George Jeffries. We were speaking about the famous hanging judge. I can't even remember how we cropped up. I think we had a judge contact us, didn't we? We had an anonymous judge. We don't know this person's name and I want to keep it like that.

An anonymous judge but with a very large head. Yes. Oh yes, that's right. We heard from a listener regarding Judge Jeffreys with an excellent name, Jovis. Oh, that sounds quite biblical. Yes, but it sounds like biblical if you didn't know any biblical names and someone said, name a character from the Bible and you panicked, Jovis. You know what it is? It's like if they were doing a big ABC series in America about biblical

times, they went went Jovis! I think it sounds like if Iron Man's internal computer doubled his sliced bread. Jovis, best of both. Anyway let's hear what Jovis has to say. Sometimes he has to eat if he's on a long flight. To Iron Man? Yeah. Do you know, can I ask you, before we get to Jovis, do they eat these superheroes? Iron Man does because Iron Man? Oh yeah. Do you know, can I ask you, before we get to Jovis, do they eat these superheroes? I never really see that. Iron Man does, because Iron Man's one of the rich superheroes. Does he eat Iron Man? His superpower is wealth, like Batman.

Yeah. That's like you. His money. Yeah. So it was in the old days. When you were on telly. Yeah. What do they eat though then?

Even the radio play wasn't as bad as I thought. I'll retrospectively. I don't know for the money, let me make that clear. What do they eat, the superheroes? Like does Spiderman eat? Flies. Massive flies. It takes them a long time to... No, Batman goes to elaborate socialite dinners. Because Batman's just a human with money.

Oh yeah. He's not magical. Spider-Man is a human, come on. He's got spider DNA. I know that, but... He's got little web shooters in his arms. You know, he's still... It's part of his grand puberty metaphor.

He's still got a soul. Which most spiders don't. Now this is an interesting theological question. Does Spider- man retain his soul Despite being an offense unto Christ anyone That was the answer does We'd like to So Jovis spider-man spiritual innards will be the next email that comes through.

Spider-Man's entrails. By Jovis. We've heard from the Archbishop of Canterbury. He's written in about it. Will you listen? Listen to Emily D. By Jovis. I want to be on one of those podcasts where men talk over women all the time. Come on love, spit it out. Come on love, spit it out. Stop interrupting love. By Jovis, there is an email. Okay. Sorry, I'm going to be at Yoda.

I didn't want to take over, Pierre. By Jovis, there is an email. Hi Frank and all. That's good, expansive. Judge Jeffreys, as mentioned in your podcast, was a rather terrible man. He was involved heavily. Oh, my type. Well, he was heavily involved.

She was always attracted to that hanging judges. He sounds like a bit of me. Yeah. Well, he was heavily involved in the bloodiest sizes, which resulted in a lot of heads on spikes in my hometown of Dorchester. Nice gig in Dorchester. Thankfully, this was around 400 years ago and heads on spikes was popular, so it's not quite as barbaric as it would have been by today's standards. Geoffrey's lodgings in Dorchester have since been turned into a pretzo. Thought you'd like to know, Jovis.

Really? They've got to have a themed thing on the menu, don't they? Oh, they won't do that at Pretzel. What? The Gallows cocktail or something. Oh, no, I hope not. Awful attempt to capitalize. Maybe they try and keep it quiet. Yeah. They tell all the waiters at Pretzel, don't mention Judge Jefferies, the hanging judge, to any of the customers. What's this dish? Have I got noose for you? Money for all roll, if you ask me. All the spaghetti's been tied into little hangers. Oh, that'd be brilliant. With a meatball in each noose.

A cocktail sticks. Albert Pierpoint, the former... We're just going to talk about people connected to the hanging industry every week. No, but that is Pierpoint at a pub. He was the last hangman. He was... Apparently he could shake your hand and guess your weight to within two or three ounces. I would have said how dare you! No he's very unpopular on the speed dated circuit. There you go, lovely to meet you. Oh you're joking! A little skim milk you'll be ordering, I fancy. No, it could do that, because that was to do with rope length, your weight. That was

how they judged it. Oh, is that right? Yeah, if they had the rope length right, then it would be a civilized... Oh, so just before death you got humiliation. Well, I suppose so, yeah. But I think you probably lost a lot of weight in solitary confinement. Every cloud. You know you were allowed a big meal at the end, I believe, weren't you?

The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast. I think that's more of an American tradition. Did they do that in the GAOLs? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah, the GAOLs. Oh, my. That's how you'd spell it around a child who loved prisons. To not get them excited. Exactly.

I still do. He's in the GAOL. He's in the GAOL. That could be a theme for the podcast, True Crime. That's very popular. We could investigate murders. I thought you were going to say hanging judges. Yeah, sure. Executioners. I told you that- What about hanging judges. Yeah sure executioners.

I told you that. What about George Rybean? Do you know George Rybean? What's that Rybean? He was named that Rybean it was named after him. No it wasn't. What's that Rybean? Judge Rybean. He was known as the only law west of the Pecos. He was known as the only law-west of the Pecos. Was he speaking Esperanto? There's a film about him with Paul Newman playing Bean. Bean? Yeah. Is it like Mr. Bean?

It's an early Mr. Bean, except he had people executed. It's because they had to interpret the sounds. Him just going, I think he wants us to kill him. That meant guilty. To be fair to Judge Roy Bean, I think he was called the hanging judge because he'd been hanged and the rope had stretched and he'd got away. Oh, he lived to tell the tale. He was the one that got away.

He was one of those guys. That's maybe why he would be so happy to dish it out. He'd be in court saying, well, it didn't do me any harm. I don't think he did. I've been hanged. You don't see me complaining about it. I don't think he did. Absolute snowflakes winging on about being hanged.

No, I think he fined people a lot and then kept the money. I think that was his system. There's a great story about him, is that him and this bloke argued about a woman, and the guy said to prove who was the man, they should have a shooting contest but on horseback. And he said that Bean was allowed to name the target. And Bean said, oh, no. And he said you you name the target and Judge Rybeen said, okay, what about each of them? So that's what they did. They shot at each other from horseback.

He was quite a guy. He used to, or you'll like, actually there's something about him you'll really like because... I was going to say when he... He had me at hanging people. Yeah, but he used to marry people as well as the judge and he used to end the ceremony by saying, and may God have mercy on your souls, which is a line from the death sentence. Did he put a black handkerchief on his head? But the thing I think you'll like him is that he was sightings of him as a ghost and he was with his dog who was also a ghost.

Oh was the dog a ghost? I didn't know that ghosts came in like a pair like that so I mean I don't know where they met up again. With your face, well, I'll tell you where they meet. It's too heartbreaking. Rainbow Bridge. I can't even, I cry every time. Asgard. No, do you not know about Rainbow Bridge? No. These are two different Rainbow Bridges.

Oh, Rainbow Bridge is heartbreaking. I don't even know if we can discuss it. It's too upsetting. Is it a pride thing? Your dog goes there first and then it waits for you there. You are joking. And you cross over. And that's why I'm actually crying thinking about it. People say, see you at Rainbow Bridge. Is it in the Bible?

No. I don't think it would be. It's in sort of gift shops. There are rainbows in the Bible. There are. And other songs. Anyway, I do like the idea of a dog ghost, so. A dog ghost though still with its owner. Yeah, do do like the idea of a dog ghost, so... A dog ghost, though, still with its owner.

Yeah, do you like that? Yeah, I mean, the sweetness is slightly diminished by the fact that the owner is George Roy B. And it's so nice that that insane violent man is allowed a dog. That dog hanging around with the only law west of the peacock. Because it's, you know we were talking about themes last time. Yes. I don't know where I said themes with at least three syllables. Themes. One of the real popular ones is true crime. I cannot understand that at all.

It is odd. There are so many though. But you feel like there's not enough murders to keep pace. It's going to have to become like... Is it all murders though? A lot of it. Sometimes they might do a particularly interesting heist. It's interesting as well.

They call it true crime to distinguish it from crime as opposed to fake news crime. No but I suppose it's a distinguish it from like you know crime fiction. Right but I would say that my issue with true crime Frank is the investigative nature of it and I'm just not convinced with the three of us. Is that gonna be practical? I just think you've got to be quite discreet. We stand out quite a lot. We've got some giant South African. It would be a fun looking trio.

Frank Skinner and a woman with a miniature Shih Tzu trying to infiltrate penitentiary. Ray would be like the Scooby Doo. Yeah. Of the three of us in the van, Ray is Scooby. So old, I thought people just talked about true crime. No, they sold for these people. Sometimes they theorize and investigate. So old, I thought people just talked about true crime. Sometimes they theorize and investigate.

Amateur sleuths. They have things like this is a collect call from the so and so penitentiary. You have to get involved. What? Yes. Didn't you know that? How do you listen to true crime? Because my partner watches true crime.

I mean against my will. I tried to talk around with him. I'm the true crime prevention officer in our house. I think it's a really dangerous thing to get into. Do you? Why? Well, I just think it's so desperately bleak. And also it's not like fictional. If a bloke is running away from a house at night covered in blood and he had an argument with the person who's been killed, yeah, the night before, there are no police in true crime saying this is too obvious. It's him, he did it.

This is what happened. Do you not watch 24 hours in police custody? Oh no, I could not watch that to save my life. It's just people in Anorak going, no comment, no comment, no comment. But isn't it always, it's always really terrible crime, you know, there's no petty crime. What do you want, good crime? Why don't we do true petty crime? That's great. And now to this week, Eric Westwood who put a stamp on a letter upside down.

That is illegal still. Is it? Can we also do, sorry Pierre, I was going to say, you know when you go around the supermarket and you open the food before you purchase it? I'd like to study that on true petty crime because is that illegal? You shouldn't really do it, should you? Because you haven't paid for it. No, and you can claim you were going to, but it's sort of like you're in an airport, you're in between countries. You have committed and not committed a crime. likes, I would say, bogus therapist, embezzling millions out of desperate aging widow. So charismatic scammer. I know, but I told her to keep that part of my life private. No, she loves all that, you know, quack, cue.

I do love the same things as we often text each other. The sort of documentary that you're talking about Yeah, it's a bit morally dubious Well a bit morally dubious and they've got the really over dramatic American narrator But behind the Hollywood facade was something much darker. Well, I think Kath is quite domestic on it She goes for like, you know regional British regional scammers.

I tell you what I, it can be summed up, the kind of documentaries... What's wrong with British scammers? Exactly, that's exactly what I thought when I went past MJ the musical the other day. Frank, the kind of documentaries Catherine and I like. What's wrong with our sex offenders? Are they not good enough for these people? Reform of a chief? Nothing! British musicals for British sex criminals.

Exactly! That's what we want. Honestly. Can I tell you the kind of documentaries Kath and I like can be best summed up by, do you remember me telling you that time the late Barbara Windsor was once advertising, they used to do TV ads saying buy the news of the world and they'd get the person. The person who was doing the exclusive story would be in the advert, amazing. And they would be in the advert promoting it. And she'd been married to someone called Ronnie Knight. Ronnie Knight, yeah.

He was a sort of ex-GAOL bird. Yeah, I think he was underworld. And she turned around to the camera and she said, only in the sun this week, the lies I've told for that man. It is great. That is the kind of story, that sums up the kind of story, Kath, that I like. Well, I've only seen the trailers. I couldn't watch one of them. I put it in the same category as the horror I was on about a few weeks ago. But in the trailers, interestingly, there's

never any clowns. We know we were saying saying? In films, it's always an evil clown, or not always, but I've never seen a single, it turns out that in the world of true crime, they are little more than irrelevant. What about the Northampton clown? He never killed anyone, he just stood around on lay buys and stuff. Yeah looming. Yeah. Yeah, you can't be arrested for looming, not anymore.

That's not an arpervius petty crime. But you'd think there'd be some, from what I've seen of the trailers, I'd say their general chic is quite grungy, the true criminals. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, played shirts. Yeah, although I don't know. Played, you see, yeah, yeah. Plaid shirts. Yeah, the hooded top. Although I don't know... Plaid, you see. I'd always say plaid.

I think you're probably right on that. But what about people like the Tinder Swindler? Did you not see that one? The Tinder Swindler? No, I like it. Is it Tinder the... The dating app. Oh, yeah.

And it's often sort of pretending he had a private plane and he was conning, it was very me and Kath basically, conning middle-aged women out of money. He would say, well my enemy's after me and I need $2,000 for an emergency ticket for something. Yes. Some of them, but you know, stress not badly, really. Yeah, but not as a clown. No.

You see, you know when you're... You see, in full circus makeup going, my enemies are after me. My private plane has been impounded. You go, hey, you're a clown. There's no way you even have enemies, I don't think. What makes you think that? Your shoes.

They're actually ridiculous. I'm storming out. I'm driving off. Glitter exploding from the exhaust. Maybe, you know when they say... There was something wrong with him. You know when they say... Why put my finger...

The sentence him was heavier because they showed no signs of remorse. Whereas the clown could do that squirty TFA. Oh my poor boy. I'll let you off in probation. And his lawyer would be saying, all I'm saying is paint the smiley red thing on your mouth upside down. The judge will always smile on that. I think they give it away the first time they turn up with the flowers. You know the hinged centre part as well, so they have those curtains hairstyles. They come up and go down on the hinge. That's going to get you out of most sentences. The judge is just clapping and laughing. I can't put

such an incredible talent in prison. If you were going to do one, would that be yours then, Scams? Oh yeah, definitely. Well do you know to do one, would that be yours then, Scams? Oh yeah, definitely. Well do you know what though, Frank, I've got to say, I just worry a bit about us three, perhaps not you Pia, but let's be honest, these modern crimes, I don't think that's quite right for us. I don't know much about modern crimes. I'd want to go retro because my knowledge of crime stops around the time of John Wilkes Booth. I don't mind doing old-fashioned crimes. He killed Abraham Lincoln.

People will think we put that in after now. We're not doing a read, by the way, for John Wilkes Booth. No, he hasn't sponsored us yet. My favourite would be, remember I once told you I was in the Louvre with... You get that phone. I was in the Louvre with my son and we looked at the death of Marat. Oh I love that one. Famous painting. Turns out it's not the actual one. Replicas.

Is that right? Yeah, what a, sure. But I was out of selfie with it and everything. Where's the real one? It's in some other. Oh it'll be some bank. Oh I don't know, don't give me a hospital pass. But I was out of selfie with it and everything. Where's the real one? It's in some other... Oh, it'll be somebody. Oh, I don't know. Don't give me a hospital pass.

Where's the real one, Frank? You'll find out. Anyway, in case you don't know the painting, Marat was a French revolutionary and he's in his bath. He had dermatitis, apparently. Yeah, terrible skin conditions. Who painted it? David, I think it might have had dermatitis, apparently. Yeah, terrible skin conditions.

Who painted it? David, I think it might have been. It was David. Yeah. And yeah, so he had dermatitis, so he worked in his bath all day to help his skin. Oh, that old excuse. Yeah, like I interviewed Michael Morpurgo.

You know the one I mean. Michael Morpurgo. Michael Morpurgo, Michael Morpurgo. Michael Morpurgo. more purgo you know the one I mean Mike I'm a purgo Mike I'm a purgo Mike I'm a purgo Mike I'm a purgo Mike and he he wrote it you might need to workshop the end of yeah well yeah I'm thinking on my face yeah what you were saying merp Is he the one who looks a bit like a lion? I don't think, does he look like a lion? A little bit, but I like that about him. I've danced the sword with the Greek dance with him. Have you? Yeah. He's what I call, yeah, he's very Panama hat, isn't he? He is very Panama. Yes, yeah. Sometimes you wear completely just purple. Oh, I love him. Yeah he looks like Gristle. Anyway more

more more. Anyway so Charlotte Corday was the woman who killed Marat. Yes. So she she went in and stabbed him and you can see he works on us, he's got like a lid on the bath. Oh, like a vampire. Yeah, and he sort of works on the lid. But I'm sure I must have told you this in the old days, but maybe it was off air. She as part of her, you know, said do you want a cigarette before we guillotine you or something, last wishes. She asked for a portrait to be painted. Which obviously delays things a bit.

I was taking a pee a bit, isn't it? And also she wanted to see it to make suggestions. She didn't even accept her first draft. Oh my god. That's very French. They did it, yeah. No, no, no even accept her first draft. Oh my God. That's very French. They did it, yeah. No, no, no, this would never do. All things very French. He was stabbed in the bath and she was guillotined in a red dress.

They're so practical. They're French. They're neat, the revolutionaries. But anyway, the story, the thing that sticks in my mind about it, which I think is kind of amazing, is that when her head was chopped off, the carpenter who'd built the guillotine picked it up and started slapping her across the face. Oh god.

That's a bit three stooges. And it got like booed, the crowd started to boo. That's mad, isn't it? They're going, well chop her head off, but this is rude. They did, they thought, you know, chopping your head off, there's a certain ritual to that. Slapping the sever head across the face. No sirree bob, as they used to say on Lotbusters. And yeah, and he was, apparently the executioner

guy was absolutely furious with him. Oh, he got his leather sandals all in a tizzy. But you know you're responsible for your staff to some extent. You have brought great shame upon this murdering machine that I'm in charge of. Exactly. We ran a tight ship here. Oh no, we're going back to doing A4 paper again. I tell you what, I'm dreading my review coming up after that.

Anyway, she'd be my, she's everyone's favourite assassin. Charlotte Corday. What was that beep then? Oh it was probably me. Okay, sitting here was coming in. Have we had any other outsidey wildy? Oh we have. We've heard, I'll tell you what we've heard about, is do you remember you were talking, we were all talking in fact recently about, I'm calling it sports support, not my bra, this is in relation to people shouting out sort of oddly unhelpful comments. Come on Tim.

Right. A lot of our readers. I always think of Tim because I think Tim Henman got more encouragement than any sports person. Yes. Like an individual encouragement. Yeah. Well we've had some great examples sent in here. So for example, from Jonesy on Twitter,

whilst attending one of the friendliest rivalries in football, Brentford versus Fulham, a very quiet gentleman sat to our right. It's making me laugh already. It's really good. sat to our right stood and bellowed in a very posh Chiswick accent, Scythe him down. Oh wow. Oh dear. This is the friendliest rivalry. Yeah. Scythe him down. And then we have...

Omar Khan is a Fulham fan. Yes. I think he has tickets for the... That's a good one to shout if you're watching Amir Khan. Yeah. Oh yeah. Omar Khan. We've had also Peter via Twitter, I went to a boxing session at the XL during London 2012 Olympics. Some woman shouted out, hit him! During a bout. Yeah, there's a fair chance that wish is going to be fulfilled. What about when I went to a wrestling match and the wrestler was thrown into the corner of the ring and a woman who must have been my age now, at the time seemed like the oldest woman on earth. Jumped up and just put a cigarette out on his back. Oh my god. I know, yeah. Now that's a heckle.

There were young people listening to this and they say, hold on, smoking indoors. She jabbed him with a vape. I have a shocking thing on Frank Skinner. What the hanging? No, no, no, not that. Samuel Turbett has also got in touch. I love it when you hear people in arenas shouting boxing combinations. Two things. As if they need telling and two, not a chance they can even hear you. Mind you, the single funniest thing shouted- Does he mean things like-

Like I hear the duet, upper cut. Ribs. Ribs, chin. Yeah. Rope-a-dope. Like giving them instructions basically. Mind you the single funniest thing shouted at the boxing has to be Ricky Hatton's mum who just shouted Ricky, be careful! Very sweet. What about that man next to me at the Albion who a player

missed the goals by a considerable distance with a shot and he said, God, I'm glad we didn't have him on the five inch mortars. And I thought he's been shouting that for 70 years. I don't even know what a five inch mortar is. It was a long war, but I left with something I will always value, a heckle. Yes, go on without me George, but take my old heckle. Oh no, I couldn't take it. Not the five inch mortar. Yes, the five inch mortars. My favorite one. Promise me you'll abuse a 19 year old with it. Oh my god. I hope no one's just tuned in on that.

That's not the trailer. After a picture of Frank Skinner. Oh my goodness. And other absent friends. More? Regarding Omar Khan. More, more, more. Omar Khan. More, more, more. More, more, more. More, more, more.

More, more, more. Frank, there's a fly in the studio. Oh. Anyway. A guest. Yes, that's the closest we'll be getting to having a guest on. Why do you rub your hands like that? That's when I'd ask a fly if it was a guest.

Oh, I see. Sorry, I thought you were reading that. It's regarding Omar Khan. So it's an email from Sam. Now, interestingly, we need some clarification here because Sam saying, hi gang, great to have you back. I particularly enjoyed the reference too. And I think either Sam has misheard you or I misheard you.

I particularly enjoyed the reference to old Ma Khan. Oh. It's an Olmar Khan. Oh. It's an old mother Khan. Yeah. Olmar Khan. Yeah. Olmar Khan. Fabulous cook. Yeah. And runs a good clean guest house.

Well, as Sam says, it made me think that it could be the wife of the Western old timer that used to get a mention on your previous show, E.G. Piano Belli. Oh, yeah. Piano Belli and Omar Khan. No, I think that the old Western old timer came from, for some strange reason, I was asked to audition. Do you know about this Pierre? For an American TV series.

Oh Pierre, come on, Frank, you've got to tell Pierre how awful you were. Well I was asked to do it because I assumed that it was going to have an English accent. It was about a legal firm. It was called something like, not Boston Legal, but something like that. It was about to start this American TV show. Who were you playing? I was playing like this lawyer, this older lawyer who spoke, you know, who spoke words of wisdom to the younger. But I thought, well, they've asked me because I'm English, so I'll do it

in English. So I turned up and I started saying, come on, let's put those laptops away and actually have a conversation. She said, no, what are you doing I saw what was that wrong she said no he's American and I thought and the only American accent I have is Wild West's old timer. Prospector. Yes I was stuck with say come on you guys put those old laptops away let's have some kind of a conversation. And I didn't get it. I tried to take the edge off it. I didn't do it quite that much. Just so you know, next time you tell that story, you really don't need, I didn't get it at the end. No, people would have recognized me. Because you'd got it and they said, well, we'll just have a word with the costume department

to make sure that you're the one lawyer who's's wearing sort of pink long johns with a bum flap. Don't agree. Yeah. Pickaxe and a pickaxe. At the water cooler is panning for gold. All his legal documents on the back of a donkey being led. Turning up in a pickup truck.

Oh, it's so hot. When I auditioned for Doctor Who, which I did have to, I had to go in and read. It wasn't just... Did you? I didn't know that thing. It wasn't an offer. But you did well in that one. And I did, I read, well, I didn't read, I'd learnt it. So I did this scene and at the end of it, the director said, well, I wasn't expecting that. Oh no.

Yeah. Oh no. Did you stay awake all night worrying? Well no I said what do you mean? He said well I thought it was gonna be all dark and sinister and you've made it all comical and I said yeah but I think comical you know like those clowns you get in horror films. He said I don't know what you're talking about, I mean, what's the true stuff? I like that he said that was shock, like, well, when I asked a comedian to come in, I didn't think there'd be some sort of comedic undertone. No, exactly. But I still got it. In fact, I was told that it was on the internet that when the first podcast in this series went out, that was the 10th anniversary of my Doctor Who going out. It's a funny old...

Coincidence. It is, isn't it? I think not. If you believe in coincidences, that'd be a good podcast theme. Yes, yes, yes. But someone else has probably come up with it. Yes, the rest is coincidence. Oh my God. No, yes, yes. But someone else has probably come up with it. Yes, the rest is coincidence. No, it was a coincidence joke! The rest is snooker accessories I want

to do. Oh, the rest is and they're dominance of the podcast market. Damn them! Excuse me, I work for them, thank you. Oh, do you? Oh, sorry, I forgot that. It's all right. No, they do a good job. The rest is dogs. I love that. I wanted to call it that and I wasn't allowed. Did you? I think the idea, I don't, yeah, I think that's for big serious things. Reminds me of Get

Silly. Oh, yeah, I can see it. I will say it's not the best title. Oh my god. The rest is dogs. People would say what? It's something else. It would be hard to explain.

The rest after what? The other animals. You name every animal and then you go, the rest is dogs. The trailer would be... Cat, pirates, tigers. The trailer would be Noah talking to a customs and excise bloke standing on the dock. And the rest is dogs. It's dogs, mate.

Don't you mean our dogs? Well, no, I'm talking about the species rather than the individual animal. I don't give in, well, it's been a while, to be honest with you. The customs officer would say, you can't just summer at what dogs? Yeah. I can't write down the rest is dogs. I've got a lot of stuff to deal with here. Talking to God two or three times a day.

I thought you said the rest was dogs. Yes, that's a different, I'm God this is. Oh, Ham, come and talk to this, Flo." Was Ham his brother? Ham was his son. Oh, is that his son? Oh, lovely. I know what you're thinking, unusual for a Jewish person, but Ham was about to be called? We didn't know then! Cruel for that dove just to lead Noah to a customs booth. I thought it was dry land. Who was it?

Who was his wife? A man in a booth. God is a toll. Yeah. I'll kill that bloody pigeon. Daddy said, Dove Ham, we talked about this. Who was Noah's wife, Frank? Do you know? Did he have a wife or was he single-parent?

I think it was Omar Noah. Omar Noah. I can't remember what the wife was. We never asked what was in the stew. One of the animals that didn't make it. Oh dear. I mean they only had the family. So I don't know. Was this Noah? Yeah, it was just Noah and the sons and I don't know how they...

Well, yeah, but the women aren't mentioned. There you go. I know, but how did they reproduce? This is Noah's wife. Okay. So Pierre's just Googling Noah's wife. Yes. Yes. Did he have a wife? Noah's wife is one of the four wives aboard Noah's Ark. Oh, it's all inappropriate. I thought for a second they were going in two by two.

It's the Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com.