The Frank Skinner Show - Uneven Strips

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

Frank has had a contact lens incident and Emily had an encounter with a rude dog walker. There's also a Whatever Happened To and an Idiotic Eureka Moment. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days delivered with Uber Eats What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered But you can get a chicken parmesan delivered A cabana? That's a no But a banana? That's a yes. A nice tan, sorry, nope.

But a box fan? Happily yes. A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select market. Its product availability may vary by Regency app for details. It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that posh radio, and the one with the French name

from South Africa came. They're all here open brackets to rain, close brackets, today. This is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. follow the podcast on X and Instagram you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio TavlonuK.com

As for WhatsApp Get up 0745774-1769 Leave a voice no trouble line It's Frank off the radio gold every time laugh so strong they should be a crime I just feel

I just feel like it's summer again after that one. The children were out playing in the fountain earlier. It's not really a fountain, we should say. It's much safer than that. Jets. Jets of water. My sonya's together when he was tiny. I notice now they've got the full-on wetsuits on, though.

Those are fashionable. I don't notice anything when I'm walking past the half-naked children. Because when you're a man of my age, God, Frank, you're so paranoid about these things. I actually wear a full dry horse blinkers, leather, head harness. You just can't even, I'm so aware that I have to look in the opposite direction.

Well, you also, you pay that man to walk in front of you with that big red flag. Yeah, exactly. Like an old motorist. The big red flag that says not a paedophile. It says not a paedophile. And that town crier? I would like to sit.

You know, it takes me back. I used to love it when my kid went in nurse, but you can't. You're not allowed nostalgia anymore. Not allowed. Do you know why? I remember nostalgia. As Jim Davidson said, Frank,

PC Brigade, I'll get you every time. Oh, PC Brigade. I love it. The Brigade. So I'll have to take your word for it. There's children in the fountain. Yeah. Well, as a lady, I didn't get any suspicious.

No, no, you can do what you like. I'm surprised. You can do it. what you like. It's like an inch of water on stone, isn't it? And these kids are sprinting. They squirts out. I mean, it's in super hot weather.

The dogs go in the water. Has poppy ever been in there? No, it was pre-poppy. Okay. Boz wouldn't go in now in his... I can't remember if you wore anything even, when he was little. Yeah. But he wouldn't go in there now.

They get self-conscious as they get old. You know, it's good. So, I tell you, I tell you, happened to me this morning and this might be an old man's thing i was putting i wear contact lenses on a wednesday so i look nice in the clips i find that so sweet that you care i think my regular fans if they see me in my spectacles will think we've lost it what's a clark kent thing maybe i think glasses are quite fashionable no no but not but my fans aren't oh friends so they'll think He wears glasses now, does he?

Oh, yeah, Mr. Iron fucking mighty, you know, I think. So I have to wear my lenses on a window. Is this a bit like when your dad thought your Terry had gone off himself because he'd got a toothbrush? Exactly. Right. And a glass is, what do you associate them

with being sort of... Reading? Taking care of your eyesight. You know, thinking you're clever. Oh, you need those for your books, do you? Yeah, yeah. Why don't you just have, I'm clever written off? me pockinful, all right, leave me alone.

Why don't you add I'm clever to that big red, I'm not a pito flag? Yeah. But there'd be a mix up at the studio, it'll say I'm a clever paedophile. Fine. All the energy you spend on things people are definitely saying about me. Well, you know, it is. So go on.

So I put my right contact lens in. And I thought, oh, that didn't land with the normal, squelch? Yeah, at all. It felt like putting a beer glass on a beer mat. And I realised... That's really got me that.

Yeah, I realised I'd already put my lens in. What happens when that happens? Well, it's a good question. Are we going to find out imminently? Twice as powerful vision. Exactly. Seeing round corners. So all I say is that's a very nice brazi.

You can finally enjoy the nostalgia of watching the children playing from around the corner. Through the wall. Through the wall of your new vision. I'm certainly not enjoying this new vision, can we just say? So what you have to try and do then is take it out without taking both of them out. How do you do that? Well, it's a delicate operation, a bit of lock involved. Tweezers?

Yeah, no, no. Not nearly eyeball. So I managed to get it out. Tiny toilet plunger. Yeah, so I had it in my hand and I thought, what I need to do now is put it back in the packet, yeah, and then I'll be able to use it tomorrow. Frank, that's so stingy.

You should have just thrown it away. That is the so mean. Well, I found it they dry out of it. Sometimes you put them in the next day. It's like putting a top 2P piece in your eye. But if I don't, I'm going to be in that horrible. I don't know how you keep your lenses, but mine come on strips.

Yes. And I hate it when you look at the left eye strip and the right eye strip and one's longer than the other. You think, like, am I going to get round this now? You're going to have to have a monocle day. Yeah, exactly. The day of the invisible monocle. But I don't want to be coming past the fountain's winking.

That'd be that. But it was so, oh, man, it's really frustrate. There's the feel of it, though. Is it horrible? I hate the fact those contact lenses are in that little soup. I just can't they invent a better way? But they dry fast. Contact lenses in brine, like you're buying tuna.

I mean, I know that that contact lens will be uncomfortable tomorrow. Why didn't you just get rid of it? You're a millionaire. Why have you got? That's how I became a millionaire. I'll bear that in mind. Many a mickle makes a muckle, remember that. I like this where there's muck, there's brass attitude to contact lens fluid.

I know, but the uneven strips, that is. It doesn't make any sense. I like the idea of the sort of Logan Roy's of this world, taking care of the contact lens fluid. Here's how you do it, kid. The ideal situation... Shave your lenses. That's fluid.

It's the cyclops. That's who you want to be. Well, because it's cheaper on the glasses. One strip, and you can't have... So you can't have one longer than the other. You can't have an odd number. Yeah. But you're left with that one contact lens at the end. Haid that.

Have you considered perhaps hopping everywhere, so you only need one shoe? No. No, but your shoes, you just buy two and that's it. Have you considered having surgery, like Mel B had that surgery, didn't she? No. The eye surgery?

No. No lasers in your eyes? Would you not do that? You like futuristic lasers and Doctor Who and things. Yeah, but I, having seen Goldfinger, the idea of a laser being fired into, I remember it was cut in two inch thick metal plate. Yes.

Was it? Yeah. And now I'm going to let someone fire that into my eye. Oh, yeah. You know, why don't you sling me that steel-edged bowler hat while you're at it? And let me go in that pool with all those shocks. I quite like glasses, because obviously I do like looking a bit cleverer than I am. I think you should just forget.

I've got horses for courses. You look great in glasses. There's a whole, to get a mockingbird. My wife says I look better in glasses. Right, your wife likes it. I love it, okay? You like it. My audience.

They like it. No, they don't. Listen, the people that matter like it. What? My audience matter. What do they want is, whoa, you're fucking off. Fuck it all. Football cock.

Football cock. For football cock. We can depend on your non-changing nature. Thank you, guys. Are you having a breakdown? Do you want them to be at the front shouting, a fixed point in a moving world? Things like that.

Exactly. Yeah. Where is this come from? Because if anyone said down their guitar defended. torn apart like a rival chip. I just don't understand how you've arrived at this idea that your audience will desert you if you start wearing glasses.

Well, look how up to David Badeal. What happened? He's very successful, Frank. He is very successful. I mean, David's always worn glasses. The difference with David, that's the thing he set his stall out as a... The difference with David would be a great TV series. What's the difference?

What David did is his glasses evolved. Because when he was working with you originally, I'm sure he had round gold... He started with Pinsneigh. No, I'm sure he had round gold glasses in the early days. They were wire-framed, yeah. A bit of Lenin glasses. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Which worked very well with his somewhat more studenty aesthetic. I'm sure he'd forgive me for saying that. Now, he dresses a bit more Hollywood scriptwriter on his way to an informal business meeting. Oh, okay. But that's why his fans want, you see. But what do you perhaps find a middle ground? If he goes on a clip now without the glasses,

I'll be going, what, what, how? I see Badele's gone illiterate. Yeah. That kind of thing. So, why is your idea of class based on a Mr. Ben cartoon or something? I'll pick you there. Anil, come and have tea at the palace. Has he been drinking out of Frank Skinner's glass?

But what about a middle ground where it's like the glasses that a lot of people associate with like the two Ronnie's there's big square. There's a comedian glasses in my head so maybe they could escape. Why don't you go for some of those outsides?

Well, you can sort of wiggle them. Why are you so confident about what they do and don't like? Let's ask them, if there are any of Franks fans listening they've already switched off because we've talked about glasses. You just get these E-Dave fits in your head. Well, now it's come out that I, you know, that I...

We're probably wearing contact lenses is seen as a bit highfalutin. Which is more highfalutin, though? Because surely contact lenses are a bit of a fancier. At least there's a sense with contact lenses that you're ashamed of it. But the brazenness of wearing spectacles, Mr. fucking clever reedy. Mr. Reedy, Reedy. Like Paul Pot and Kevin. Cambodia, executing everyone with glasses because they're intellectuals.

Frank's going on tour, England, Scotland, Camerooges, 1977, all the big comedy. Round up all the glasses wearers. I remember not so long ago coming off stage and afterwards people waiting at the stage door. This woman said, no, I loved that. I did love it. I mean, I liked it better when you just did the filthy stuff. Oh, did she? I know, but I've had a few drinks that much. Yeah, so.

And did you say you've cut me to my very quick woman? No, I said, Oh, I agree with the old babes. But... And then you got into your car. Excuse me, driver. Have you got a copy of the Guardian? Excuse me, could you ask me the sanitiser?

Who was it? Who did that? Oh, Robbie Williams. You remember? I loved him for that. On New Year's Eve, he got the sanitizer out. And he did it in a very performative, joky way, which was great, because he did it in a sort of camp isn't as funny,

but he genuinely did use the sanitizer. Yeah, but I mean that is, I would... He shakes a lot of hands. I would use sanitiser in shaking hands with my family. I don't like shaking hands. I refuse now. I don't like... It's better than hogging. Oh, no, I hug instead of shaking hands. We're all different.

Your audience is more mixed than this, though. I remember when I was on tour with you, and we got, Omar came back and said, oh, just so you know, Frank, in the front row, there's four guys in football shirts. And they seem fine, but, you know, just so you know they're there. And then at the same time as we were being told that,

you were opening and reading a letter from a professor of English who said, your interpretation of Wordsworth had changed his view on several of his poems. It was a handwritten letter as well. So I put... It's a mixture. I face-timed him in spectacles. And then I went on stage and went, whoa, football.

And that's it, you know, you've got to... Football cock. Football cock. Yeah, exactly. That's my next tour title, started. That's your epitaph. Never. You can get protein at home, or a protein latte at Tim's.

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We've had a few people getting in touch. Laurie in France, who sounds a glasses fan. That'll be stationary for a long time. What were the strikes? Go on, Laurie in France. Laurie says, Laurie has had an idiotic at Eureka moment. This was a big one. Yeah.

We should explain this. It's the thing we used to do in your... yesteryear and it's when you are one of the last people to realize something so for example there used to be an advert with Maureen Lippman for BT and she was called BT yes and I never saw the connection in there yeah so it can be yeah really blatant um go on fire on okay so Laurie has said oh golly immediately Laurie's won me over with the use of oh golly I enjoy that Biler under glasses. I just realized.

Yeah, exactly. Unless, of course, he's talking to his stuffed toy for Paddy. I honestly. In which case, is in the money? Please. Sorry, carry on. I just realised, CBBs is the BBC's initials spelt backwards. How long has that taken 30 years?

I didn't know that either Did you know that? No I mean there's a C BBC which is for slightly older kids so C BBs I took as not a reverse but children's BBC

made a bit more little child friendly so CBC and CBOs because they're like they're little babies Don't start saying that around the fountain Because they're little babies.

Don't talk like that. Yeah, so C. Beavis. I didn't know that either. No, that's a new one of you. I'm not sure it is supposed to be a reversal. I think the C is for children's. Okay, okay. Thank you.

Sorry, Laurie. I like sorry, Laurie. Could become a tongue twister in its own, right? Yes. We've also heard... He's very articulate, though. Who is? Laurie.

Oh. That's good, Frank. Not to be confused with... None of my fans got it. Oh, Frank. They're too busy reading Laurie Lee. Exactly. One of their phase, one hit wonder.

Was Laurie Lee a one hit wonder, Frank? No. Oh, with the other one? I'm just, my ignorance means I've only read that one. He did one about the war as well. Didn't he do one as I walked out one morning? Beer with Bella. No.

Something like that. Okay. No, I think he was... I think he did all right. There was a pub in Slavis. In Gloucestershire, which has kind of got his chair in the corner where he always used to sit. We should say in case anyone doesn't know. Loyley wrote Frank.

He wrote cider with Rosie. Yes. That's another 20% of the fans got. Oh, Frank, you can't be old like this. Let's say 16%. How do you spell slad? SLAD. Really?

Yeah. Gosh. My friend's ten. But without the E. because there was no ease in those days. No. Not in show. Just cider.

Yeah. We've had another few people getting in touch with us. We had a good whatever happened to from Sean. That was another regular thing we used to have. We'd have whatever happened to and then we would talk about stuff like what was the things that faded. Introducing people in a band with Mr. Oh yes. Yeah, yeah.

Miss Peggy Lee. And on the drums. So Sean says, Hi, well, I'm not sure if you still have this feature, but whatever happened to, christening a ship by smashing a swinging bottle of champagne onto the side of it, usually by a member of the royal family.

Sean from South End. Yes. Yes, what did happen to that? Well, I think it's because you can imagine, it's not the most environmentally sound thing to do now. Is it health and safety shards in the eyes? Glass traveling everywhere. Shards in their eyes would be...

That's a TV program that I would watch. Tonight, Matthew... Tonight, Matthew, we're going to stand and smash bottles onto this concrete floor until one of us is blinded. Well, you have to sing... I believe they... Sorry. You have to sing...

A very dry contact lenses are put in your eyes. Yes. I believe now they've started... I think the Queen did it with a whiskey bottle once. I've heard that. Frank. Oh, well, now you've pleased those fans. Exactly.

You know? We're just closing the door. Hold on a minute. Guys, come back in. There's a stampede sound effect. Does everyone come running back? All back to their feats, yeah. Okay.

Look at the end of a Marvel film when people are leaving and they've forgotten as a post-credit moment. Welcome back, everyone. Yeah. Lovely to have you. So the Queen did it with a whiskey bottle. That is more in favour, I think, simply because champagne bottles are notoriously hard to break. I don't know if you know this.

Very sturdy. Well, I was on a caravan holiday when I was a teenager in Burnham-on-C. And one of my friends, I don't know where you'd say. He got drunk, but he got drunk in a way that made him ferocious. and he hit one of my other friends over the head with a whiskey bottle. He was a friend? Yeah. With a bottle?

Yeah, and it didn't break. Oh. And that was a whiskey bottle and he gave him a real wallop with it. But it made me think that they were caught. So if champagne bottles are... We weren't drinking champagne, I'll be honest with you. No. I remember the friend who'd been here... I wish you were.

Do you remember me telling you about the friend who fell off the roof and then came to the pub with pieces of... He had gravel in his back. Remember, I'll never forget that. Well, he was the one that got hit over the head. I remember he just went over to the sink, put the cold tap on, just splashed some on his face, and then carried on drinking. How did people survive?

How did you get through your teenage years and youth? It's because you grew up watching cowboy films, so people would get a whole bottle smashed over their head and then go back to playing cards. No, this wasn't an everyday accord. Don't think that Anyway the point is I think it's fallen out of favour

somewhat The champagne bottle What was it about gods of the sea I think It was an offering Yeah it's an offering to the sea gods Christening its name As well

That's when it's officially named Is when you smash it Oh it's like Wet in the baby's head Yeah I think so I think they do water now That'd be disappointing Wouldn't it?

It's gonna get wet anyway Plastic Buxton Plastic Buxton Buckston. Kate Middleton. Well, we shouldn't say Middleton. We keep getting pulled off when we say that. More work for the hand-pomp men at Perrier.

You're all colleagues, Frank. Yeah, exactly. So there you go. I didn't realize it had stopped. I just thought they'd stop making ships. That might be it, actually. It does happen occasionally, but I believe it is... I mean, I can see why it doesn't feel very ocean-friendly.

And we like an ocean, don't we? Have I ever told you about the Shanaid Morrissey poem about the Titanic? Bye! Shot the dot. Go, bye! There'll be some more queen-slash-whiskey bottle material presently. Yeah, I'll just go out for a smoke why I tell this story. Frank.

I've I told you this before about, Shanade Morrisy wrote a poem about the Titanic. Yes. And she talked about the Millie Helen. And a Millie Helen is how much beauty it takes to launch one ship. Because Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships. She was known as having the face that launched a thousand ships. So what would a Millie Helen be, a thousandth of that, to launch one ship?

How much beauty would you know? Incredibly clever. And I thought she'd made it up. I looked in the dictionary and sure enough there was Millie Helen as an actual word. I suppose the concept's been around long enough. Yeah? Bell End! Here they come.

Here they come. Their ears prick up like deer at a watering hole. Unfortunately, that was a bit load for Spiritland where they're all very chattering classes. They don't like that kind of thing at all. It's got a real Edward Hopper feel today, Spiritland. Because it's very empty looking, which is unusual. They're playing sort of soft South American

panpipy kind of stuff as well are they? Yeah they were as we came in and had the feeling of an empty buy where you would go to meet someone who said things like welcome to Cuba Mr Bond yeah it's very is that I wanted a man in a fair selling me pornographic postcut ideally

and me in a white suit going with the propellers on the ceiling I want a Michael Warpairgo Panama exactly yeah we need to hear about the book signing by the yes I had an embarrassing Pierre is an author in case to know for this.

He wrote a book about... It's called Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things and we loved it? A comedian's Guide to Autism and I get lots of nice messages. Bye! Yeah, sorry. They not like things like that. They don't like the mental health.

No, no, no. They don't recognise it. No, there's... Neurodivergence for them is not liking football. That's divergent enough. That's already a disability to them, I think. Sorry, this is going a bit. Going a bit.

Anyway. Go on. So, we were selling paperbacks behind the box office of the venue I was performing in. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. So is it one of these,

when the audience come in or come out of your gig, they put money in the bocky? Yeah. And then you'll quickly race around to sit on a table with a big pile of your books on. Was it like that?

It was a bit more informal than that. the books were in a kind of pile behind a bit of a section of bar that we called the box office. And I would just go up to the bar. And if they'd just bought one, I'd sign it for them right after the show. And I would say in the show, oh, they're for sale upstairs, da-da-da. And I went up there, and I just had a great show, and I felt good. And the people, as they were leaving, we're going to buy your book. We'll see you up there.

It was all very like, ha-ha. It was great. And I ran up there. And there was a guy who bought it, and I signed it for him, and I had a nice chat. And then I saw over his shoulder a gaggle of maybe four or five people all sort of whispering to each other and nervously looking over to me. And I was up there and I saw also an Edinburgh festival. You know, a lot of TV people are up there, producers and things. So it's good to try and impress them.

And I saw someone who's a TV producer. And I thought, this looks good, you know, a cue for signing the books. And I signed that guy's book and the gaggle of five who've been looking over at me and whispering, they came over. And I thought I sort of glanced over to make sure. the TV producer was watching. I thought, here we go. And they just wanted directions. Oh.

They didn't want, they even have a copy of the book. They didn't know who I was. Nothing. I realized I was wearing my venue lanyard. Oh, so they thought you were star. Oh, that's so embarrassing. It was bad.

Oh, no. It was not good. But it's, you know, it doesn't mean they won't buy the book. I just... I don't know. They wanted to know, like, sort of where the castle was. Yeah, no, they won't buy.

Did you sell any copies of the book? book when you're up there? Oh, you can't ask that? Yeah. Can't you? Why? Well, what if he sold almost none?

Well, you just said he was a failure because he hadn't wanted a war. I'm not allowed to ask how many books he sold. I never said failure. I said disappointment. Yes. There's a different. There's a spectrum as there is with all things.

There's just objectivity to disappointment. Whereas failure, I think, is up from the objective. Yes, yes. That's a binary. What about this? I was in the Oxfam shop. Oxfam book shop. How's everything going?

Yeah, me and me. No, I love the Oxford. Looking for content lenses. Looking for jokes? That could not be less aimed at you and you know it very well. So I walked in and a woman walked up to the counter with a big carrier back and said, would you like 22 copies of Clive Myrie's autobiography? Would I?

Not to me, to the person. Is this the same Oxfam where you bought the line of duty pencils? No, no, that was an Oxfam. This is Oxfam books. Oh, yeah, of course. So it's just second album. 22 copies.

22 copies. So she got them out of the bag. Five must live locally. I don't think, I hope he doesn't. If he goes in there and sees 22 copies of his autobiography. That's enough of a free quid. Big window display, big pyramid. It must be someone from the publisher up to no, you know.

So she said, they're all, you know, brand new. And you could see they were spanking brand-y. I like him. I'd have one of those. And she said, you know, it was just a case of over-ordering. And I thought, it's Clive's wife. X-wife. It's just that we're trying to get the kid's bike in the garage,

so we have to take some of the books out. You know, when you want one copy of Clive-Marie's book and you type 23 into the... No. No. I never got to the bottom. Did they take all 22? Oh, yeah, they took... Well, I mean, it's, you know, getting a brand...

I presume it's fairly brand newspaper, but... That's bizarre. Yeah, I'll never know. Found them in the back of a van. Oh, she didn't look like that kind of person. No. She looked like... Clive-My-Mory book Spiv. Yeah.

She might... I thought, well, maybe she's got, you know, short-term memory loss. What is Mastermind, buys the book the next day. What is Mastermind, buys the book the next day. They walked into the spare room and thought, oh, hold on. That's bizarre. Yeah? We'll never know. Frank, can I tell you something?

Because I will. Probably not. Oh, Frank, stop in it. I had a woman come up to me the other day. And as a dog owner, we shouldn't say dog owner. Supervet pulled me up on that. Because we cannot own another creature. Yeah.

I think we can. Well, he's not going to agree, is he? He should meet my wife. And they're back. What are you supposed to say? So, I don't know. Well, I think it's a bit complicated if I say this in front of Frank because he would fundamentally disagree with the whole premise of this.

So hold on, when he puts prosthetic... Because it involves a soul and Frank doesn't believe animals can have a soul. Yeah. What I want to know is when SuperFet puts prosthetic limbs and does amputation operations, does he get the form signed by the dog? No, but then you would sign your children. Who is this person?

But then you would sign your children's form and you're not their owner. Well, I made them. Okay. Well, that's giving us a little insight into your views there. But anyway, we're custodians of their time on earth. I know, but it's a big... It's got to be a fine. It's a big thing to say.

I find it difficult, Frank. I struggle. Is that your dog? So I can't say my wife either. Yeah, you can stay your wife because there's something consensual about that. That doesn't imply you own her, does it? Custodians of... Well, my, he does. Then she would also say my husband, the poor dog, I'll go.

That's how your impression of a speaking dog? So anyway, this woman, Frank, she had, do you know sometimes there's that paste for dogs in a little tube, it looks like a paint tube, and you can get salmon, turkey paste. No, it's sweet. Yeah, they put it on dog's gums to encourage them to have to take a pill. Almost as if they own them.

Exactly. So they put it on the, anyway, she just, she lent forward at Wreck. and she didn't this is no judgment on her but just to set the scene she'd had quite a lot of cosmetic surgery and she pushed this I didn't like Piers

grond then what did he say it was like I felt I felt that woman fall into a slot of classification in Piers' consciousness she'd had a lot of cosmetic surgery oh yeah

oh I was thinking she was a person I could respect but now we'll see how she behaves No but what I mean I suppose the reason I mention that is because she wasn't sort of an eccentric bird feed You know she looked quite well groomed And I thought oh she'll be you know She was making an effort

You got it And so she was shut She starts says Does he want some of this To Ray and it was the paste And she was shoving the tube at him I said oh no he doesn't really like food from a tube She said why not

I said he just doesn't She went oh well only take it off his mummy So I said oh yeah If you put it on my finger, he might have it. And he did start having it. Well, that's nice, isn't it? Wouldn't take it from my tube? But he'll take it from you.

Already, I thought, something a bit aggy from this woman. You wouldn't take it from my tube. Yeah. I. Yeah, come in. There's room at the front legs. See, instinctively, I fall back in. No.

And so, then she says, which, I mean, this really got my go. Are you got a goat as well? When you say my goat, you're not your goat associate. I mean, I'm the custodian of the goat soul. Oh, I say. Goat soul? Sorry, Frank. Blast for me?

Thomas of Aquinas here. So she says, if you don't mind me saying, his hair looks awful. Oh, my God. I know. I mean I said I didn't know what to say You know me Frank I normally will come out with something

But I was so shocked I had to play for time You know when you go for a sorry To play for time I said sorry She said it just looks awful You've got You know

You should have a little goatee You should have a goatee for him Goet this Goet Who was this one She said he looks like a chinless wonder He's got no chin You've got rid of all his hair

I said well I like it like that. She's obsessed with her own tube, dog's chins. I said, I like it like that. So, you know, we'll disagree agreeably. Quite right. And she said, oh, God, I've offended you now. Yeah.

Well, it's the first thing she said that was correct. Well done. See, if you persevere with these people, they'll come good in the end. The stopped clock. I said, it's not that you've offended me. I just don't agree with you. It is that she'd offended you. I know, and I should have said.

that, Frank, but I was a bit frightened of her by that stage. Especially people's dogs. It really upset me. It really upset me. In the end, I just sort of sculpt off and she went, okay, but you know when you do the uneasy buy, when it's sort of a truce, but it's not really, I went

bye then. And she went, bye. What, did she have a dog with her? What was her dog like? Absolute mess. The hair was the worst. It was all over the shop, but I wouldn't have said that to her. Well, maybe

as retaliation. What would you have done in that situation? If someone said, I hate Poppy's hair? I couldn't cope with her. Couldn't you? No, I just think that is, first, for a start off, you get a bit with your dog the way you are with your kids.

If someone says, what a lovely dog, I think I'm all right. Yes, you know, I like this person. But that is just, who cares what that person thinks about anything? Whenever anyone opens with, if you don't mind my saying, you can be pretty sure you're going to mind. Yeah, exactly.

Whatever's going to be said next. I hate that woman. Oh, I love you. What a bizarre day she's having. Going around with her meat tube, offering hair advice. Yeah, exactly. What she should be carried? Busy, are we?

What did you get up today, Maureen? Well, I got my salmon tube and my... me air advice and I went to the park and I made some friends. Allow me I have a tube for every topic. Just another Tuesday really. Big tube of white makeup. We've wanted to talk to a goth about their hair. Oh, do you know what?

I so hope she's listening. Yeah. Right. Yes. I'm trying to think of a lubrication job. Frank, I think they're safe. They're back with us. I believe I'm somebody to take with them.

Oh, that's a good point. There you go. I couldn't think of anything that I was prepared to politically adhere to. Anyway, another episode of Frank Skinner's radio days is out on Wednesday now. What's going on? It used to be Saturday mornings and now it's Wednesday. Why do they mix up though? They just mix it on?

I think it's because the poetry podcast was on Wednesdays and then the last one was last week. The last one, the last one. the last one of that current series. We're in 2010. I hope someone hasn't just switched on and heard that. Some panicked old pension of things we're in 2010.

Surrounded by a sea of Clive Myrie books. No, they'll be thinking that about me. Yeah, Clive Myrie. I make a laundry revelation that disgusts the whole team. Wow. It's probably mainly me, let's be honest. I wonder what that was.

Well, we'll find out if you tune in on Wednesday morning. Okay, we are Don, and that's good. Oh, Lely. It's Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, it's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at avalonuK.com.