The Frank Skinner Show - Visited By The Water Police

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

Frank and Emily are joined by Steve Hall! Frank has had some very low-tech advice, Emily has an update from her builders and we hear from the Outside World. Send your emails to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Great news. The federal EV rebate is back. Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the federal EVAP rebate on select 2027 Volt and 2026 Equinox EV models. Visit your local Chevrolet dealer today for more details. It's Frank. Frank's going to podcast, don't you know? Martyr, rambling rolls of the wild wood. I'd like to met her.

This is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean. Steve Hall. I think she's Steve Hall is with us today. Steve. Let me see. What are we going to do?

Oh. You can follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at Avalonuk.com on the WhatsApp front. 07457.4-1-7-6-9. Oh, 7-457-4-1-7-6-9. Sorry, what was that extraordinary first jingle you played where you were both singing appreciate? That was the hit priest by the fall.

I'm so sorry. It makes the audience go sing he's not appreciated. It's very fine. Which is an accurate summer of my career as well. Oh, Steve, we appreciate you. You're very appreciated. I didn't mean it to sound so beggie. It sounded beggier than not.

It was not to just be throwaway self-deprecation, but it really looked like I was going, Please be nice to me. I'm so humble. I was more worried about the presumptuous use of we. Oh, Frank. So I had... The presumptuous use of we is quite a controversial sex fetish. I thought it was... Well, it is in your world.

Yeah. Who was the... She was called Sarah Miles. Sarah Miles. She was in Ryan's daughter. She was involved with the presumptuous use of... Oscar nominated, possibly Oscar winner, but most famous in Vancouver.

And my world for drinking urine. Her own urine. Yes. It was a kind of eccentric 70s thing. A fashion. A food fashion. She was going into a urinal with a tablespoon. Don't think that for a second.

Too much chewing gum. I don't want to know what goes on in there with your weird crystals and conversations. I think it's really bad form. There's always chewing gum in urinal. Someone's kind of getting that out. Bad. I won't be me.

What's wrong with people? Never say never. I just say that. I had a visit this week from the Thames Water Board. If it was the 70s, I'd go, and who was that? Meals on Wheels. Do you remember Meals on Wheels? Oh, yeah.

What was that? Was that for pensioners? Yeah, they used to, yeah. Isn't that, mate, would they just bring food route? There'd be literally that, food in a trolley. Do you remember Meals on Wheels as a concept? I only, I think I know the phrase I'd never experience. It's all right to say no, you don't have to lie.

Isn't that awful? We're doing stuff that Steve doesn't even remember. That's how old and out of touch we are. We live next door to an old lady who lived on our own. Every Sunday lunch time, the lunch, they call it in the southeast. I'll stick with that. I used to take a nice Sunday roast round. I had to carry it around.

My mum had cooked it. I had to carry it around. That's so sweet. And so it might be like, you know, a few slices of beef, roast potato, all that stuff, and I'd turn up. She'd be sitting at the table

with the teetail tucked in the top of her jumper ready. And just a massive spoon. Which she had the whole thing. She didn't, he's a knife and fork involved. Just a big spoon. Yeah. That's nice.

That's nice that you did. That's it. So we're not quite meals. It was like a dins, dins on skins, kind of. Oh, I love them.

Oh yeah, not bad. Oh, God. Yeah, it was, you know, old lady lived on the road. Anyway, how do we get to Mills and Wheels? You were telling me that you had, something arrived. Yeah, no, a man arrived. A man arrived. Claiming to be from the Thames Water Board.

Well, he was from the Thames Water Board. We didn't mend. I didn't, basically, our street has been weeping for about a year and a half. water comes up through the surface of the road. And they've been and done a couple of times and it's still happening. But that's not why he came. He came, he was some sort of officer for Thames. Oh, water policeman.

And he came to, yeah, he's a water policeman. And he came to offer us some advice. Unsolicited advice. Someone said, well, he said, you are a household of three the dog looks a bit foxed off what about poppy yeah you're a household of three

but you're using the water and I thought whoa oh here we go this is going to be a real bad one of a household of four oh wow that's borderline isn't it we've got a dog

as well that's oh my goodness because we're using the water of a household of four. I'm sorry. What have we been thinking of? A company that's been bailed out

by the government to the tune of billions of pounds. Well, that's why obviously they're tightening their purse strings. I love four. I thought it's going to say 60. I thought it was what I was braced for. And I thought this will be a good anecdote. Then I thought, well, that won't be an anecdote.

Then I thought, no, actually, that's a better anecdote. What did you say, you must have? to be so short. Well, let's hear what he said. He said, look, I'll be honest with you. He said, I probably shouldn't tell you this. He said, but my family's a little bit over the over the limit.

I really appreciate your open courage in sharing that with me. But anyway, so he talked to us for a bit. Sorry, Steve. No, no. And he said, I'm going to give you these to put in your showers. What is it? And I thought, well, a bit of, you know, test. It's a fucking egg timer.

An egg timer with a sticker on it. A four minute egg timer. He said that's how long a shower should be, four minutes. Are you kidding me? You try it. I mean, I am a quick shower person. I tried the egg. I mean, I couldn't get it to stick.

I could just put it on the soap tray. Hang on. So, 10 is water? It's nothing. What is this? It takes you that long to get the temperature right. my age, it takes me that long to reach my genitals. Oh my God.

I have to roll, bring them up like a barrel out of a well. That's the advice they should be giving. How are you getting on in there, Frank? Just another seven or eight minutes. No, but I'm not a bloke who I don't hang around in the show. I know some people like to just feel hot water on their body. Well, Kath and I are like that. We like to stand under the shower and just we just literally stand there.

The first time I saw Cat take a show. Yes, I've seen a take a show. We're married. I get in and I just start straight away. Neck, armpits. I start and I work my way down. Cat stands like she's waiting for a bus. That's what I do.

We treat it like spa. You treat it like a medieval gravedigger or something. I treat it like, you know. You've got a job to do. I'm already thinking time is of the essence. Well, then you should be the dream customer. Until I got my bloody stick on. egg timer

that's a stick on. So hang on. Is he going to try? He came especially to tell us was using the water of four people and give us

two tiny stick on egg time. But they've also got the budget to be dishing out egg timers to whoever fancies it. I did like the fact that you said that the street was weeping. There's a real Catholicism behind that.

Yeah, it is a bit like that. It gets into everything. But it's a horrible waste of water. It's just coming through the tarmac. It was quite shocking to get a random man turning up at your house like that, like something out of the prisoner, just turning up to sort of berate you. Well, also we had, well, he was quite, I don't think he berated you. He thought we had a problem who was trying to help us.

But we had to hose the dog. He took the dog for a walk in the winter. You go, as you know, Emily, you have to hose them off. They're covered in. That will be your fourth person, won't it? Anyway. I've been getting loads of scound. calls lately and there's one of something getting quite used to telling them where to go and I

got one claiming to be from Thameswater so I sort of said why don't you absolutely go fuck yourself you're a disgrace to your family you're an embarrassment to your family and it turned out to genuinely be from Temes Water so you said that yeah yeah oh sorry I thought they said that to you oh my that's just what my mum and dad say to me what did you think it was one of those well it was because it was an account that had been close four years ago so And it turned that there was some £25 pound debt from four years ago, but they'd never chased it up in four years.

He's had the bailiff's in. Even so, £25, it's not nothing. Yeah, well, I talked, I kicked up such a fuss they wrote off the debt. So it was a little win. My wife had well done, that only took nine hours of your life to win that. Well, we've technically got a bankrupt in the studio. Over £25,000.

But, yeah, I felt bad to the poor call centre at Thameswater. Can I just establish, is it? Are we all going to get, these visits. The water police. The water policeman turning up at my house. I didn't get a schedule from here.

Did you get no warning? He just turned up on the doorstep. Well, that might be something we'd miss. Oh, the PA. Have your neighbours, or have you been, someone grassed you up? David Bedeal. The water rats.

No, they can tell from the meter if you're using more water than your human being allocation. Your neighbour, David, of Bidiel and find out have he said a visitor from the water, please. I might try. I mean, I wasn't menaced by him. Don't get me wrong.

He sounds charming. I'm just saying, I don't think four is wildly... No. Out of one. What about four minutes? Do you think that's all right? Can you put the egg timers on eBay now that they're celebrity owned? I hadn't thought of that.

Steve, you've got to get over this eBay obsession. It's all you talk about. eBay this, eBay that. I like the low-fi nature of it. I thought he was going to give me like a computerised. You know, you can get those things that show you how much electricity you're using. I thought it was going to be like that, you know, a computerised thing. I wouldn't trust it anyway.

I trust this individual, but I wouldn't put anything in any room where I'm going to disrobe that I hadn't first checked out myself. You don't know what's on that device. No. Well, this one was, this one is the sort of thing that cards are all walsy would have showered with. We used to boil an egg. Well, it's his four minutes. So I could use it for a soft boiled egg.

Oh, well, there you go. But, um, I don't know. My wife's Australian, so they used to get very upset. Stop showing you on. Because Australia was in drought for so long. Right. If I took a long shower, she would get really upset because they were so told to,

Preserve water. I was in Melbourne once and at a hotel, and I asked a woman, I said I couldn't find anywhere to sunbathe. And she looked at me like I'd said, I want to kill somebody. Yeah, they don't like it. No, they don't like the sunbathing. It's much chicer to be pale over there, you know, in terms of getting a suntan is not a recommended thing.

It's never too early to plan your summer story in Europe with WestJet, from rolling countryside to cobblestone street. Begin your next chapter. Book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent. Westjet, where your story takes off. Have we heard from the outside world? We have. Do you remember recently, Frank, I was talking about my lovely builder, Michael.

Oh, yeah, Michael and Dean. Michael and Dean. And you may refer, I had ivy that was being removed, Steve. Ivory. You've got it in one. I call it ivory. Yeah. I told him that I discussed him.

I thought better to run it past these people when you're working with them. After you done it? After I done it, obviously. Never asked for permission, obviously. But I said, I just wanted to let you know I mention it. He went, oh, okay, that's good. That's funny then. Yeah, that's good.

I wanted him to be really excited, but he wasn't very excited. I was a bit disappointed. I thought he'd go, wow, I must listen to it. I'm famous. He's not impressed. Oh, okay. He wasn't upset, though. No, he was fine with it.

He said, oh, well, if that, it was kind of, it was kind of the attitude of, oh, if that amused you, that's okay, you know. Oh, dear. I don't like the sound of that. Why? Well, I don't know. It sounds like he's going to dissimit plants. You know, those people that used to get sacked from Japanese car companies and they'd build fish into the side paneling of the door. He's not going to do that.

Call the speaking clock. Can I just say? He didn't, that's the most 70s revenge. He didn't seem unhappy at all. He just seemed underwhelmed, is what I would say. Can I just say for the three people under 50 that listen to this podcast, that the speaking clock was the thing that people used to phone to get the time. And it was called Tim for a while.

It was called Tim. And it used to say that what I loved is said the time sponsored by accuracy. Nothing was safe from the sponsor. But it used to be a thing if you got sacked on the Friday, you would stay as late as you could and then you'd go to an uninhabited section of the office, phone the speaking clock and leave it on all weekend just to rack up a bill for the...

Revenge was so simple in those days. So simple. So easy. So this is from 9-23. Years ago, I sold a house covered in Ivy. Towards the end of the selling process, the buyer asked me how to look after the ivory. It couldn't have been the same person. Well, we don't know. What if it was?

I elected not to acknowledge for fear of embarrassing, monkey covering eyes emoji. I am a florist, and I find that mispronunciation of plant materials is a thing. Frisia becomes Frisians. Gypsophilia becomes gyps, but then weirdly also turns to gypsum, which is something to do with concrete. Anyway, that's from 9-2-3. So it's interesting to know that there is a precedent for ivory.

Other people are saying ivory, unless, and how weird would that be, my builder is the person that bought that house. I mean builders, I suppose. I suppose there's, because I was always surprised when the first time someone called a daffodil, a daffodown dilly. I've never heard that. No, no, that was the first time. Someone's called a daffa dada daffa down dillis.

We were there for it. Remember that? This is our Kennedy. Where were you when someone first? When someone coined the phrase, daffa down dillie. I've never heard this, Steve. I thought it was like maybe a West Country thing or something like that. Oh, that's from somewhere else.

They always say West Country. You get away with a lot where, oh, it's, you know. You know, West Country. Those people who have, you know, when they're hypnotised and they go back to a previous life, they're always a serving wench in an alehouse in the West Country, carrying flaggons of cider in a low-cut gypsy blouse. I love the idea that this would be my campaign of mischief. I'm going to slightly misreport the name of a flower.

What was it, Daffodilly, would it? Daffer Down Dilly. Daffer Down Dilly. What do people say? Where have you heard it? I'm trying to remember where a head. I think there is an A.A. Milne poem called Defendale. That's...

Have you been on what I like to you? Because you'd be absolutely brilliant on it. Of course he fucking assent. Don't shut up, Frank. Sorry, everyone. Have you not seen my Edinburgh with you? Frank. You should be...

Hay A. A. A. Mills a very nice man. A.A.M. Yeah. What do you mean? Hey, aye. Anyway. that flower thing. It's probably, I mean, okay.

But the point... If it's an AA Milne poem, I'm going to use that for all my lies from now. You've actually called him a liar. No, I'm not calling him a liar. He's not, I would describe Steve as an honest person. I think you're right. But I think the daffodilly...

I'm daffa down dilly. I'm going to use a lot now. Defferdown dilly? Yeah. I would prefer... I'd prefer to use that I, calling Ivy, ivory. I quite like it.

Would you, would you, as in would you, As in to take ivory on. To take it on? I'm not boxing it. I call it I don't fee. We've also had a message from 336. We were talking recently about gloves. The Queen, I think specifically we were talking about avoiding handshakes.

Queen wears gloves. Well, she wore gloves. Yes. This is the dead queen, not their life. They're no longer with us, monarch. Yes. Thank you. Hello all.

Read the royalty wearing... You never get a pub called the Dead Queen, do you? You get lots of royal themed things. Read the royalty wearing gloves discussion on your recent podcast. Princess Alexandra, oh, she was one of my favourites, gave out... And maybe because she presented West Brom with the FA COP in 1968. Oh, lovely. You know, gave out the degrees at the graduation ceremony when I was a university lecture.

You know who gave out my degrees? Do you remember? Who? Head of the gas board. Very exciting. Did you give you an egg timer as well? I'm sorry. We're so frightened to smoke.

You essentially had boiler man giving you your degree. Exactly. The head of the gas board. I think we had Richard Attenborough. Everyone I've smoked. Obviously I meet more sophisticated people since I moved down. But they've all had people. What was that one?

Princess Alexander way out the end of the fucking gaspian. Anyway, Princess Alexandra shook hands with every graduate and got through several pairs of gloves over a few ceremonies. They all ended up filthy

and were immediately binned. The only time she did remove them was in order to pat someone's guide dog. Praise redacted 336. So interesting that's nice. That she's actually throwing them away though, not even washing them. Yeah.

I mean, those are big high-is-fuge Union standards. I don't know what the waterboard policeman would say to her. That is waste. The Queen apparently had two bonfires a year where they burnt the gloves. Did they burn the gloves? Yeah. Why didn't they wash them? I don't know if they do that stuff.

Maybe again the waterboard. And also people have them for souvenirs. Oh, yes. I was doing some work at the Birmingham Hippodrome. Oh, stop both. in envelopes. And the royal, they, Saddus Wells Royal Ballet or something and the queen came. And a man, a security man arrives with a toilet seat and he puts that on for the duration,

for a sort of the on suite on the royal box. And then when he left, when she left, he then unscrewed that one and put the original back on. So no one could say that sat on the same toilet seat as the queen. Oh, goodness me. I suspect there's all sorts hotels as well. Probably get rid of those. And is that why they have the airs to the throne?

It is literally the throne that she sat on. Oh, I see. I thought I had an image of when you get pubic hairs on a toilet seat. That's a good question. Did the Queen ever stay in hotels? She must have had to. She must have known when she was in Honduras. Yeah.

That's the place I imagine her on tour. You know, I imagine, like, world news is always about Singapore. And they're the only people who watch it. I think of the Queen in Honduras. But in black and white, when Prince Philip still look pretty dashing. With some nice kind of like cigarette pants and a little shirt, I can see her. Absolutely. Yeah, and a hat that looks like it's got petals.

Yeah, always petals. We've also heard from Glenn, from Womborn. Glenn says I hear from Wombone every minute Very nice Glenn says Do you remember

Idiotic Eureka moments Are you still accepting applications Yes Glenn We should explain what they are They're things That you Like we were talking about One, a pretty obscure one

Me and Steve Hall earlier What about the fall? This was about Brian Eno Brian Eno had a single called the King's Lead Hat. Okay. And it turned out that it was...

I'd been singing that song for years. I really liked it. It wasn't like a Willie thing or something, was it? What, The Kings... No, no. It turns out to be an anagram of talking heads. Oh, that's clever. But I didn't know that.

And neither did I? No. You think the sort of thing that either Steve or I might have known. Well, it's almost halfway between an idiotic eureka moment and a big moment that Eno fans... You know, it's a thing that I thought, I didn't know. You know, I was like, I was saying a few Eno fans. Did you know this?

Oh, I knew this. How did you not know that? It's like Torchwood, the Doctor Who spin-off is an anagram of Doctor Who. Well, obviously I didn't know that. No. I'm sorry, I'm all sorry. So what's this bloke's idiotic uricos? Oh, Glenn's been demoted into this bloke.

That was a swift demotion. I don't take notes. Glenn says Whilst eating a bag of revels recently Are you a fan both of you by the way incidentally? From yesterday you That they still exist

Yes I bought some only recently I thought they'd been replaced by minstrels No it's not either or in the confectionery world There's room for plenty of bedfellows I thought minstrels were the starburst No you've got that so wrong I can't believe how wrong you are Okay.

Well, Revells, the adverts were all plagiarised Milton Jones because he had a joke about being bullied where they'd make him play Russian roulette. He had a peanut allergy and they would make him play Russian roulette with a bag of Revells. What, so you're saying the entire confectionery brand stole his ad? There was an advert for Revels

that basically nicked his joke, but acted out the joke. Milton Jones and I would say Tim Vine, because they are pond specialists, are the most likely to have them stolen, but also, to be fair, ponds are always able to come up with by more than one person, I think.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Glenn continues. Whereas who else is going to come up with Daffer down, Dill? Was it Dill or Dilly? Dilly. There you go, so even in trying to plagiarise it, I haven't got it quite right. I've just accepted I'll never know it properly,

I can't remember it. Whilst eating a bag of rebels recently, I pondered the name, and suddenly it occurred to me that revel is a contraction of reveal, and that revelation is the essential experience of eating a bag of revels. Why has it taken me more than 40 years to see this?

Yours and embarrassment, Glenn from Womborn. I actually know whether Glenn is right or wrong about this. I will leave it to you two to decide. discuss. Revelation. Well, I quite like the idea of we shall now read from the bag of revelations. You shall. It's just a priest.

But aren't they different shapes? Some of them are. Yeah. So that's... Only the odd one. I once asked Craig Revel Horwood on Room 101. If he'd heard the joke,

which was a joke going around, is that nobody likes orange revels. That is absolutely brilliant. Yeah, he didn't take it well. It's when he was very orange in those days. It's brilliant. You know what? He's lost the trick there.

If I was him, after hearing that, I'd be ringing up, getting my agent on the phone to Revels, can you sponsor me? I'll be your brand ambassador. Why not? He didn't do that. Okay. Do you want to know whether Glenn is right about revelations?

My guess would be that it's wrong. Yeah, I would guess because I presume it's just from Revels, as in fun and cavorting. Shakespearean Revels. Yeah, the idea it's fun. Is that what you both think? I think so. It's like I got into my head that,

because my brain, and you understand this, it was so pond lead. I got it into my head that as a sort of a, a perpetual thank you to fans, Mary J. Blige was a pun on Machia Blige.

I can't believe you thought that. I did honestly. It's one of the weirdest things you've ever thought. I was watching it. I was at some, A do. Much of Blime. And she came on and did like two numbers

and she was standing six feet away from me at the piano singing. And I thought, of course. Much of Blanche. Of course it's nothing to do with that. She probably never said that word in a whole life. Well, I don't know. I didn't get the chance to ask you.

I told you, the only person I've heard used that phrase even in recent years was Derricka Cora when he thanked the spirits. Did he use to say much of life? He said, could you please leave us alone? we want you to leave now. If you could leave us in peace here on earth, we would be very much obliged.

He said he would be very much obliged to the spirits. Then the spirits are a lot. He said it so politely. Exactly. Yeah. I think I'd have gone for thank you driver. People still say occasionally when they get off the boss. I know thank you drive.

Why did they do it? I think it's old-fashioned politeness. but the man being reduced to his profession. I've seen Picotilla in Wales people will go, Cheers Drive. Do they? Yeah. Cheers Drive.

Oh, down. I'm putting that on the same list as Daffer, Down Billy. Made up things I pretend I've heard. Cheers Drive, I think, is a poem by Edward Lear. Oh. Do you know Australians do that a lot? My Australian godfather, I used to find it a bit embarrassing because he'd come over and he'd say, in taxis, he would say it.

You can't, he go, driver, can you slow down, driver? And I'd say, oh, John, you don't really call them driver, like find out their name or something first. I feel uncomfortable with driver, I agree with you. Okay. Okay. You don't go. I still like to hear it on the boss.

Do you? Thanks, driver. It's often done with, like, thank you, driver. It's that kind of town. Well, I like it because it's quite self-important, as well. It's like this will be my stop now. It's also saying to everyone else I'm the boss, you could learn from this.

Manors maketh man. Good day. I can exclusively reveal Frank Skinner, Steve Hall, you were both absolutely correct. No research into this. You just knew instinctively. Yes. It's revelry in the sense of Shakespearean revelry. Having fun. Let our rebels begin.

Yeah. Congratulations. I feel. I do. I mean, I do like, I'm sympathetic to the book of, it's not the book of revelations. I've now got it in my head that you could pick out a chocolate and it would have the number of the beast. Yeah. Well, if you're sympathetic to the book of revelations, even Frank will get on famously. Yes.

It's a book of revelation, I'm getting that wrong. Is it singular? It's a half-man, half-biscuit song that? I think it's half-man, half-basket. I think it's Revelations. Who's half-man-half biscuit? He sounds awful. No.

All I want for Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Is a... Which team was it? Dukla Prague, I wake it. Yeah. Okay. But they've got a song where, yeah, they...

It's like, it's whichever way around it is. And then they say, see also Mary Hopkins, she must despair, because I think people always call her Mary Hopkins. Oh, I see. Okay. Like Keith Richards gets mixed up with Cliff Richard, who doesn't have an ass. Well, people, but that's the Nans tax,

the S, isn't it, on everything? The Nans tax of the S. I've never heard that. Well, I've just made it up. I've just made it up. I'm going to run with that. Well, you better credit me. That's a terrible case of I'm having that.

Yeah. Frank, can you deal with this, please? My stop is cramping off. Did we say I'm having that when you said daffa down. No, I think you've said the idea. I think you all developed instant allergies to it. I think you said I'm never having that. Never, ever, ever, ever.

You are allowed to run with it if you are 100% credit me. I will always correct. Otherwise, you better lawyer up. What was it again? The Nans tax is adding an S. I'm just saying adding an S onto everything. It's just accursed me because I'm just going down to Marxist. I think Cliff Richard.

Cliff Richards, my grandmother would say that. His real name is Harry Webb. And then he became Cliff Richards. And then I think someone said to him, it'd be as a way of being remembered, it'd be good if when people say Cliff Richards, you corrected them and said it's Cliff Richard that would make it stick in their minds.

It's quite clever. Oh, do you know that? It's clever. I think it was Larry Parns, his manager. So change one. It was known as Parns, shillings and pens. Jay, that's good. Change one letter to make,

so if you had a name like Williams, you just change one letter and make it sound different. Yeah, like Williams. Yeah, is that? Yeah. Yeah, that worked. Yeah. What's next?

Have we heard from anyone else? Oh dear. Yes. Someone's got a bit of a problem with you, Frank. With me? Okay. Oh, God. I don't know what to do.

Today my world was rocked, Frank, and not in a good way. Frank revealed recently that he's walked to gosh comics many times but still has to use Google Maps each time for several years I have lived by the Skinner Principle I can Google it once after that I have to rack my brains for minutes

hours or days until I can remember let the gentleman have his percent but it seems thank you driver it seems the Skinner principle is not a principle of Skinner Frank you have let me down how much of your

output over the last 30 years has been cast into doubt, can we even trust, in inverted commas, football cock? This is from W.A. I mean, he is being amusing about this. Well, listen, W.A. The rule is that you can Google what you can't remember. Right. Yeah.

But you can, no, you can Google what you don't know, but you can't do what you can't. remember. Exactly. But I believe that such is the level of my loss of, well, not loss, because I never had it, of being completely solmes sense of direction. But I feel that I just don't know, even though I've been there.

It's not even a retention issue. It's not like, oh, maybe it's down, there's no even a vein sense behind it. It's incredible. I've tried to explain it to a psychologist once and she said... What did she say? She said, shut up and keep licking.

Oh my God. She said... Oh, my God. We were doing a cash in hand at the post office. She said it's because I didn't crawl when I was a baby. Is that right, Frank? Yeah, that was her theory. That's actually fascinating.

That's when you develop your sense of direction. I wonder why you... It's forgivable in the moment because if you didn't Google, if you didn't use a map in that context, you would just be stranded on a street I would literally not be able to go to go. Can I be honest? I wouldn't have, only having experienced this directly

myself, I was shocked when we were working at Absolute Radio for 15 years and we'd come out and every single time I couldn't believe it, you'd go which way is it? You actually didn't know which way to turn. I mean the one constellation I've got it is it hasn't come

upon me as I've got older. No, that would be a worry. I I remember getting severely lost walking from my auntie Ethel, which was probably 200 yards away. Yeah. When I was about eight. Really? I was wandering the streets for...

I mean, now it seems like hours. It was probably half an hour. So what we would say to W.A. It's a good point, and I take him on it. But the alternative, it's not like not being able to remember the actors who played the magnificent seven. Because if you don't remember it, you can still get through life. You would be starving outside. You'd have Omar Khan, your tour manager, with you with the pink gaffer tape.

Exactly. Everywhere you go. Well, see, that's the thing we've talked about on here before is on stage. There's a big pink tape arrow pointing to the way I go off. Do you still not remember that every night? No. I went off stage once. I pulled aside the curtain to go off.

There was just a brick wall. And I had to stand with my face against the brick wall and wait till. I'd heard the audience leave. I was just standing there like some old dead wasp caught in the curtains. Oh man. That's so humiliating.

It was humiliating. It was a brick wall. But I don't know if they knew or not. They might have been able to sit the bold. Imagine if it turned out afterwards, they all saw you looking at the brick wall. Oh, man. So I just, W.A.,

I hope you're happy with that explanation. I actually think that's a convincing explanation and I would agree with you on this and as you know that's not always the case right? No no true. Steve you would agree? I would agree but it is a good point it's a good it's a good it's a neat bit of catching out he's done this

it is so look the next episode of Frank Skinner's poetry podcast is out on Wednesday and this time it's erasure poetry do you know what that is guys it's when you take a prose work and you get rid of

some of the words and retain the others. And those that you retain form a poem. Okay. So I think it's like the idea. One of them is quite a dull report, not dull, but I mean very official. Yes. And that has been, a lot of it has been erased. And what's left is a very moving poem.

So it's fair, it's the idea that poetry might be hiding away. Yes. In the most official documents. I'm going to look at my VAT return. Yeah. It can be gone. Who knows what works? And one of them is someone's done that,

someone else has gone to Wuthering Heights and removed a lot of it and just kept things that form individual poems. Check it out. It's a Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going.

Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at Avalonuk.com.