The Frank Skinner Show - Watermarked

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

Frank has a Go Compare update which leads to a discussion about cartoons and why he thinks puppets could improve all TV and film. There's a Father Christmas prank from a reader and some Temu troubles. Email the podcast [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Missouri. From November 25th to December 2nd, get 25% off everything on orders over $150 in Missouri's biggest sale ever. From bold hoops to minimalist stacks, Missouri has something for everyone. Missouri makes handcrafted fine jewelry for every day made with responsibly sourced materials,

so you can look and feel good about gifting and wearing them. Shop your wishlist 25% off at majurie.com today. You can't prevent early mornings, but you can help prevent certain HPV-related cancers with Gardasil 9. Approximately 75% of sexually active Canadians will get HPV in their lifetime. Gardasil 9 helps protect against certain cancers and diseases caused by certain HPV types. It does not treat HPV infections, cancers, and diseases and may not protect everyone who gets vaccinated. Side effects and allergic reactions can occur. If you're aged 18 to 45, talk to your health care professional or visit GetG9.ca today. Off the radio, featuring him and that Parsh radio And the one with the French name

From South Africa came They're all here, open brackets, hooray Close brackets today Hi What do you think? Yeah I'm not sure It's awesome

What about not the Wheel? Not the Wheel. By the way, is it called Michael McIntyre's The Wheel? Is that what it's called? Or is it The Wheel with Michael McIntyre? It should be, because it's his show, but they don't have it in the theme tune as we've seen. No, they don't have it in that, but I'm just, I'm thinking about the great owned shows like Bruce Forsyte's play your cards right. Did Bob Monkhouse have one? I must have. Or indeed wasn't it originally like something like Jack Dee's Live at the Apollo? Was it? I think so. What about

how bad is that? It is Michael McIntyre's The Wheel because I've just been showing it by the producer what about that? Go on she's on producer. What about Frank Skinner's opinionated? Yeah you were one of them Frank. 6.8 out of 10. IDMB. IMDB. I'm still doing anagrams. I've never got over Bert from the last podcast. Paul McCartney's brother. No, cousin. Cryptic cousin. By the way, this is Frank of the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Navelli. Follow the podcast on extent Instagram. You can email the podcast via frank of the radio at everlonuk.com. Who's this? Peter Lorry, I'm thinking. Yes. Yeah. Peter Lorry. He was in Bugs Bunny cartoons. A sort of caricature of himself, isn't he? Well, everyone. I don't know if he did The Voice,

but they had lots of sort of Hollywood spoofs in Bogg's Bonnie. I remember there was a, Frank Sinatra was known for being thin in his early days. That was his big thing. And there's one of him sharing a straw with another Hollywood star and they sock him through the straw. Oh. I loathe Oggilony. You loathe him? Absolutely loathe him. Is it his lack of seriousness? I just think he's such an unlikable character.

Oh, I love him. Not as much as Donald Duck is my favourite. Oh, I get Duck? Donald Duck. To us gits, Donald Duck is something of a patron saint. Furious, pantsless, ex-Navy. Did he ever speak? Did he speak or just? He spoke in a way.

Did he communicate? Yeah. Sort of like that. Words would sometimes sort of come through that sound a bit, individual words. He spoke the way Mr Bean speaks. Yes, he does. What was Boggs Bonnie character then? Was he sort of just a bit silly? I thought he was great. Anyway, look, Christmas Looms,

which was a very popular present in 19th century language. We've lost the Luddites again. Two episodes in a row. Oh man, what am I doing? I've alienated the Luddites again. Two episodes in a row. Oh man, what am I doing? I've alienated the Luddites. It's hard enough to convince them to get iPhones. That was a huge demographic for us. Yeah, so it's that time of the year when I think irony has more or less been shot through British popular culture. So people like news readers and all that, they're aware that you know we do a little bit of a chock because we know you know that we're supposed to do this and so we'll do it. But perfume

adverts have been utterly untouched by irony. I'm still astounded by, I mean that is it sauvage with Johnny Depp. He's sort of wandering through a desert. He clung on to that campaign. Yeah but there's a bit at the end when he's, I always do this to make Buzz laugh, is when Johnny Depp is walking and the pack of wolves are following him, I always anyway it makes me laugh great piece of graffiti if you paste an S over the V of Sauvage it just says sausage yeah oh yes Yeah, oh, yes, I think I've seen selling a totally dog called sausage wolf sausages He's the face. That's why they're following him wolf sausages was that brilliant German actor He sounds like a CNN political cook. Yes. Yeah. Anyway, I saw an advert for go compare

Have they still what's happening? Well Yeah, sit back, relax. Now you know I, we've always been slightly fascinated on this show and on its previous manifestation on radio of Wyn Evans, is he called Wyn Evans? Well let's hope it's not Monotib Determ determinism. Yeah. Is he still in the show? Is he still in Streetlion? No, he's long gone. Okay.

There was an anti-Win press campaign, he said. Yeah, but we won't go into that, probably. He's very bitter, that's all I'm saying. And to add to that bitterness, to add just a little more lemon juice to his worldview I noticed on the go comp... as you's always been Gio Comperio. Right. And who is obviously an Italian opera singer who sings and I watched this Go Comperia and there's no no win-evans, there's just right at the end a tiny animated geocomperio and i thought they've cartoonified him he's been away for what is only on there six weeks been replaced

and so i looked it up this is how deep i went i found a quote from the head of some advertising agency had been brought in to sort of rescue the Go! Compare image and he said we're gonna retain Geo Comperio but what about this but sort of more as a watermark oh no because you don't know kids what a watermark is. You can hold a piece of paper and not see the watermark until you hold it up to the light. So it's there, but it ain't far grounded. So that's what he's been reduced to.

And he says, I'm going to read this from the quote. He said, he needs to be the kind of character that somebody could imagine him living in a digital world. What does that mean? It means he's a cartoon. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

And it's terrible news for Wynne. I have your job stolen by a cartoon. Yeah. But I tell you what, it got me thinking. You know all these actors that moan about AI? Is that a real threat to actors? It could be. Some of the contracts that some of the streamers have had actors signing are very much like, even in the event of your death, we will continue to paste your to paste your face. Oh I see. But then isn't it also... They stuck What's-his-face in the new Alien. Who's that? The guy from the original, the guy who played the replicant in the original Alien, the British actor. John Hurt? Yeah! Poor John Hurt. Is that what it's reduced to? The guy from Alien? I mean come on.

I know but that's their special celebratory box set 30 years of Hurt. Bloody good idea actually. They'll use it. Don't worry. He's in it to lend some sort of... But what gets me about it is I was watching some live action Scooby Doo. Oh that sounds good. What gets me about it is I was watching some live-action Scooby-Doo. Oh, that sounds good. And it suddenly occurred to me all these actors that have been whinging about AI, they're absolutely fine.

We're making live-action versions of animated series. Oh, I see. We haven't heard from the cartoons. I think we're talking pay back time aren't we? I mean if ever it served anyone right it is actors. But also I feel for the likes of Tom Cruise because as you know always been, he's always had my heart Frank, I'll never give up on him and he always makes quite a big thing about doing his own stunts. That's his thing, isn't it? Yeah. But now with the AI, I don't believe anyone does it. Oh, it's... And the CGI. Why would you have... Why would that be...

Well, he's getting too old for it now. His bones will be like arrows. He shattered his ankle on the last mission impossible or something. Yeah. He's insisted on jumping from one roof to another or something mad. He's only a little man as well. Frank, is that true? No, I don't think, but I mean, you know, that gap would have been a gap for me, for him.

Only a little man. It's a chasm. Yeah. Yeah. He leapt a chasm. Yeah, but you take the big films, they were Marvel films, they're all massive. They all come from drawing.

All the comic artists have been put to one side and replaced by actors who were constantly leaving, wanting more money, getting old, looking terrible and old on the thing. Are you suggesting that some sort of Hollywood executive in the game, you know who doesn't complain? This drawing. Yeah, no I think.

Cartoons do what I say. I think, I've got to tell you by the way. Put a cigar out into an illustration of Scooby Doo. See? Listen, I was in Birmingham. I don't like the idea of a cigar being put out on Scooby Doo. Well, the greatest thing. Can I ask you a question? Does he get fan mail addressed to Mr S Doo? No, because that might go to Scrappy. What is it? The surname's a verb? Anyway, I saw a man.

Congratulations. Where? There on the... I love that Katy Perry song. I saw a man in... I saw a man and I I love that Katy Perry song. I saw a man in... I saw a man and I liked it. And I liked it. No, I don't know if I did.

He was wearing a black satin bomber jacket. Oh, God. Yeah. Tom Cruise. But on the back, he looked like a very sort of straight middle-aged bloke. Yeah. Yeah. Very like a Birmingham bloke.

What was the hair like? Because that's always the killer. Not great, but he is fine. But he looked like a very ordinary bloke. What was the hair like because that's always the killer? Not great, but he is fine. But he looked like a very ordinary bloke. Anyway, when he went past me, on the back of this jacket was an enormous live action scene from one of the Scooby-Doo films. Like a massive one on the back. And I said, with Omar, I said, is it possible that he's never looked at the back? But when he takes it off, it sort of comes inside out. You know, these people who just pull the sleeves straight out.

It's always inside out. Is this bloke on his way to a funeral trying that coat on and thinking, no, this will be fine for the funeral? Black Jack. Black Jack. He wants her up there. So it's one of the things that Scooby-Doo is a big 3D imposed creature. On his back, yeah. The back is a little record big, but it's live action, not the cartoon.

No, like in the, you know, I've got the Kermit cardigan. Yeah. Which can I say is a conscious decision, because I'm rather a playful character. But that's sort of stitched on. But I would argue this man... It's as stitched on as he was on that bicycle. You know the famous Kermit on bicycle thing. Terrifying. But was it captioned with any letters or was there a board letter? Yeah, it had Scooby... I

was wondering what the title of the film is but Scooby Doo... Pirate Island. Yeah exactly. That sounds about right. Pirate Island. Yeah, exactly. Scooby Doo. That sounds about right. Pirate Island. But I really threw me. Maybe he was crew. No. On the film.

Do crew? He was do crew. Yeah. That's one of those bits of film trivia. They don't know this. All of Pirate Island was filmed in Birmingham. What about this thing as well? Is that we were coming back from some gig.

Again, it was me and Omar in the car. We had the 10 o'clock news on Radio 4. And they had a feature on Hello Kitty. And they had a woman who was from the Hello Kitty, I don't know, fan, blah, blah. A Japanese lady. I'm not gonna do the voice relax. And I might sound a little bit more humble than usual, but I'll fight it. And she said, she was talking about Hello Kitty,

and the guy said, how do you explain the popularity of a sort of cartoon cat? And she went, oh, I've got to fight the voice. She said, hello kitty, isn't a cat, it's a little girl. And I thought, is it? Has it not got whiskers? Minister, I'm going to have to pull you up there. The name of this creature. But this was a fan club. What horrifying thing has happened to this little girl? She looks exactly like a kitty. Do you remember that

guy? She identifies as a cat. That's the thing now, isn't it? Do you remember the cat man guy though? Oh yeah. He had, he had Tongsten whiskers fitted. Yeah. And he had a tattoo of a cat's face on his face. Yeah. Yeah. And like he had his ears pointed. Yeah. What is it like to be a tattoo artist and you've had a long week, you've done some hearts with mum written in them.

Yeah. You've done some anchors. Yeah. And then this guy comes in and says, I want a cat's face on my face. You check the time, because if it's midnight you say no, but if it's noon you think he's sober. I think I would have to have a note from his mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Could you come with your whole family? At least seven relatives. I would say, with the entire litter you mean. I would say out of all the animals though, like if you had to turn into like that cat man, which one would you select? Because I can see why he went cat. Who would you go for? I didn't know he'd done it until I saw him in our garden. He loves that lamppost.

Yeah, he gets to work much quicker now. He just goes straight over there. You had to buy some dung from the guy who's tattooed to look like a lion to scare him off. Oh yeah? For coming in the garden. Which animal would you choose if you had to be that? Well, I don't really want to do it. Don't make me do it. Okay. I can see the appeal of the cat. Siamese cats are very beautiful, for example. You wouldn't choose mole. I wouldn't kiss one on the mouth. I know. And now I've said it. Okay. I wouldn't kiss one on the mouth. I know. I know I've said it.

Okay. Poppits as well. Of course. You wouldn't kiss them on the mouth? I've always said there isn't a television program that couldn't be improved by it being changed to Poppits. Yes. Hard talk.

Although you know what? Yeah. Totally. You can't have Poppits interviewing Robert McGarvey. That's why they've cancelled it. You'd have a Poppit Robert McGarvey. No, Frank. With an E voice. Yeah. Poppit McGarvey. You can't have puppets interviewing Robert Mugabe. That's why they've cancelled it. You'd have a puppet Robert Mugabe, but he voiced. No, Frank.

Yeah. Puppet Mugabe. You can't have that. Yes, why not? He's so disrespectful. I'm not saying he's worthy of respect. But you'd let Robert Mugabe animate his own puppets and do the voice. No, I don't like the puppet.

Mr President, if you could please. Yeah, he'd still do the voice. What about reality TV? If you did reality TV with puppets, those people could go back to work again and start producing. Star was written. I'd like to watch puppets pull Hollywood, puppets eat something and it all falls out of their horrible mouth.

Oh, and they can't get around it, can they? That's a great bake. That's a great bake. As it sort of t all falls out of their horrible mouth. Oh and they can't get around it can they? That's a great bake That's a great bake as it tumbles from his big felt mouth. Honestly though I I you know I pitched a sitcom series that was Puppets Did you? To whatever it's called it was Sky 1 but I think it's called something else now Sky Arts. They laughed me out the office. Me! Did they? Me! And they produce Shane? Yeah. But yeah, the bloke. What about Shane with Poppits? This was a good, but this really built on

the fact it was Poppits. And in my thing, I said we can get a lot of young people in, you know, building the Poppits. Ladies, people from overseas. I've played all my cards. Did I get a commission? Did I buffalo? People from overseas. Well, you know. Can we please put a video out on Instagram of puppet versions of us doing this with headphones on? Yeah, why not? Someone will do that.

That would be great. Oh man. I think that stuff is really underestimated. I'd happily watch it. Yes So there puppet guy compare What but I mean, he's already been he's already been animal The only thing is we have to make an exception Frank. We have to make it absolutely clear. There is one puppetry Conceit that we simply will not tolerate and that involves Miss Piggy, doesn't it? Oh yeah but I don't know if that... Can you just say what it is so people can see? There's no strings on that though is there? Can you just clarify what we don't like? My worst thing is Miss Piggy being interviewed by someone as if she's a real thing.

And people flirting with her. Oh it's really awful. Just her or any other? No no I like the other mopeds I hate Miss Piggy. Without doubt the worst of the moppets. She's not very nice. And yet she's hailed. She's not very nice to the other moppets. No, she's vile. And this from a bugs apologist. Yeah, well I I Like bugs, okay Even though I watched them being killed mercilessly every night and I'm a celebrity get me out of it This episode is sponsored by Shopify This episode is sponsored by Shopify. Do you ever feel like you're missing out because it seems like everyone is either starting a side hustle or becoming their own boss and you know what they're hearing a lot? It's the sound of another

sale on Shopify, the all-in-one commerce platform to start, run and grow your business. Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionising millions of businesses worldwide. Whether you're selling succulents or stilettos, flaky salt or fine art prints, Shopify simplifies selling online and in person so you can successfully grow your business. Covering all your sales channels from a shopfront ready POS system to its all-in-one e-commerce platform, Shopify even gets you selling across social media marketplaces like Facebook, Instagram and TikTok. Full of the industry-leading tools ready to ignite your growth,

Shopify gives you complete control of your business and your brand without learning new skills in design or coding. And thanks to award-winning help and with an extensive business course library, Shopify is ready to support your success every step of the way. What's lovely about Shopify is that no matter how big you want to grow, Shopify will be there to empower you with the confidence and control to take your business to the next level. It's time to get serious about selling and get Shopify today. This is Possibility.

Powered by Shopify. Sign up for a £1 per month trial period at shopify.co.uk slash frank, or lowercase. Go to shopify.co.uk slash Frank to take your business to the next level today. shopify.co.uk slash Frank. This episode is brought to you by Missouri. From November 25th to December 2nd, get 25% off everything on orders over $150 in Missouri's biggest sale ever. From bold hoops to minimalist stacks, Missouri has something for everyone. Missouri makes handcrafted fine jewelry for every day made with responsibly sourced materials

so you can look and feel good about gifting and wearing them. Shop your wishlist 25% off at majirih.com today. You know what's great about ambition? You can't see it. Some things look ambitious, but looks can be deceiving. For example, a runner could be training for a marathon, or they could be late for the bus. You never know.

Ambition is on the inside. So that road trip bucket list? Get after it. Drive your ambition. Mitsubishi Motors. Have we heard from... Yes. Alfresco Mon. We have. On Instagram, I'm not sure how to pronounce this because it's just a bunch of letters. Instagram is right. No it's Abel Abel Abelkacl Abelkacl there's no there's almost no vowels in here okay but you know who you are ABL CKLL. I mean if you are having a linguistic issue how are we gonnaom? This was regarding your newspaper foot spa scandal. Oh yeah.

A tale as old as time. You were pictured carrying a foot spa in a see-through plastic bag with a lady. And the caption was, what's going on here then? That's right. I don't know if it was then, I think it's just what's going on here. Oh, that's even more blunt. Yeah, so this this person however It's pronounced as a gook. I go I've googled Frank Skinner sitting and I imagine in each picture a foot spa just out of shot very worthwhile activity, but they weren't

So you say Banged up abroad I was carrying it for someone else. They said it was medicine. They said it was a bedpan. You're going to be in a Thai prison for 20 years with this foot mask in. I was told it was, that would be me. If I was on banged up abroad, I'd be saying, I was told it was Herb de Provence. They assured me of the French. I was told it was Sauvage.

Frank, we've also heard from, I think there should be some sort of drum roll, Simon of Sudbury. Oh wow. Now if you've just joined us in podcast land, because you think radio is a bit last year, Simon of Sudbury was one of our regular correspondents. Yes and we liked that he had a sort of medieval energy to him. Exactly. So forget the drum roll there should be some sort of lute or mandolin perhaps. Hi Frank, Emily and Pierre. You were talking about pranks recently, I don't know if you remember that, but usually with Frank Skinner we're often discussing pranks of some sort, and it reminded me of an occasion with my son.

When he was about six years old and he kept pestering me about when Father Christmas was going to come, eventually I informed him that unfortunately Father Christmas had died. Right. It kind of backfired a bit when his bottom lip started trembling. Can we say that he hasn't? It was a hoax. Yes, if there's anyone under the age of ten or eleven. Bottom lip started trembling and tears rolled down his cheeks. At this point I tried to salvage the situation by telling him that father Christmas's son had taken over the family business.

What he should have done is put his finger in his ear and said, oh no hold on, we've got some light news, breaking news coming in. They found his battered body. He's in critical condition. Yeah exactly. And he's going to recover? See that was another Donald Duck thing. On this Mickey's Fawn House or whatever, they had to write lists for Father Christmas and Donald Duck's was like 300 yards.

Fabulous on control greed. That was always one of my favourite things in cartoons, was the out of control, also the out of control parchment. Yes, scattering. Yes. So anyway, I think this was a very good solution that Simon of Sudbury came up with by telling him instead, he amended his story to, he told him that Father Christmas's son had taken over the family business.

Oh, it's all gone a bit sooty. Christmas Junior. Well, I was going to say it's all gone a bit sooty. Christmas Junior. Well, I was going to say it's all gone a bit Don Corleone. And he would be coming on Christmas Day instead. Needless to say, I got an irate phone call from my ex, his mother, later that day. Yeah, it's a bad joke, that one. I'm going to sorry Simon, but not Father Christmas.

You can't toy with Father Christmas. I mean, I had this argument with Nietzsche. Oh Sudbury. I read something. I've been getting a lot of contact from an organization called Tee Moo. Oh yes. Are you familiar with them? Bavveyors of odd knickknacks? Yes, well I seem to be getting

photographs of women in swimwear. Oh Yes, yes, I remember this we talked about this on the radio you should be sent by these they're still arriving Oh, I'm not getting those. Don't you find that a bit weird? Because my algorithm doesn't show me those. I wonder why that is, Frank. Yeah, but what kind of algorithm is that? I mean, they're not even... They're not tiny bikinis. They're like one-piece... Sorry for your loss.

They're sensible swimsuits. I mean, what kind of... Are they stripey and sort of knee-length? Because they know what you've been googling, Frank. But it's a sort of a... Elderly women in sensible swimwear. It's such a restrained perversion. Women in one piece swimsuits. When did this, did it start in the 40s, this perversion?

And I've just stopped with it. It's almost at the sort of thing you want your partner to find out you've been looking at. Yeah, really wholesome. Exactly. Anyway, that's from Tima, but there's another thing I saw, which was a woman bought a croissant lamp. Yes, I saw this. You know those croissant lamps? I saw this, Frank.

That we all want so much. Yeah. And when she got it, it looked like a croissant, which is what you're after. Yeah. And then after a few, I don't know how long, she noticed a trail of ants going into the lamp. And the crumbs were falling off it yeah yeah and uh the system seemed to be that um it had been built over a real croissant well she found out she committed hard to the investigation because she discovered this by taking a bite of it that's how could she do that it's covered in a ceramic coating it was sort of resin coated v varnished or something, but she'd already poked a hole in. The ants were going in through a hole and she'd already sort of discovered the flakiness.

It's very, is it, there's a thing called something like Horrors of the Wax Museum, an old hammer horror, when people are saying, these really are great waxworks. They look exactly like the people who have gone missing from the village. It's so handy we have them to show to the police. It's like that. So you don't sculpt anything. You just cover something that's real. It reminded me of the scene from Shawshank Redemption where the governor of the prison pokes his finger through the poster. Is it Rita Hayward?

Yeah, there's a big tunnel behind it. Sound the alarm. I wonder if this is the system, if you build the lamp over the croissant and then the ants, it's kind of, they're already in there. If they eat it, they had no choice is my argument. They had no choice. There should be a little war memorial. A little monument. Timu memorial. Little French ants. Do you say, is it Timu? I'd say Timu. Have you bought anything off Temu by the way? No. Okay. I don't need to say it with that suspicious way. I tried to order a croissant and they sent

me a bunch of lumps. Temu croissant sounds like they should be a sort of a YouTuber. Yeah. A footballer. Yeah. But anyway, it's Chinese. Temu., Donald Trump. No, the actual class on here. So, yes, it's Chinese. Jay and, uh, I'm just happy it didn't contain spyware. What are the few Chinese things people have bought recently that didn't have spyware? Just ants.

They've gone low tech for some of us, the Chinese. Why didn't the Chinese? God bless them. I think that's covered before it's coming. Do you remember them? They won't be happy to hear that, the government. An alarm is going to go off. You've just annoyed the government even more there by saying God bless them. Never say God bless them.

There was that thing, was there not, where they said if every Chinese person jumps up in the air at the same time, when they landed, they'd trigger a tidal wave that would engulf the United States of America. Yeah. Yeah. And now that was pre mobile phone, now you can absolutely synchronize the whole population. You can so arrange that now easily. Why not do that? That's so much cheaper. Yeah. And you know in their new move towards being more

environmental, it's better than spyware. Yeah. Better than spyware Chinese Guardian. I need to get back to the the jump wave. Sometimes the old ways are the best ways. The old waves. This might be a this might be a did you ever do that thing with the thing you're saying with the ants eating out the the inside of the croissant when you've already varnished it? Did you ever do that thing where you blow up a balloon and paper mache around it and then you pop the balloon? Oh yes. Not one mask, but two. Because you cut it in half and then you've got two masks to wear. So maybe the mistake was-

Obviously in Emily's house it would have been the comic and the tragic. Yes, yes. Usually the tragedy and I'm afraid. Yes, if anything they shipped the lamp too soon if they just waited. Well, I've got some quotes from this TikToker lady. She says, and there were like hundreds of ants underneath and I was like, why the F would ants want to fake croissant? So, you know, when Attenborough goes.

This is a bet forward frog in a hat girl, as I believe she's called. I'd like to ask a grammatical. When you say, and there were like hundreds of ants underneath, and I was like, why the F? Right. Is that still operating as a simile, that like? Over to Pierre for this one. You know when you say it's she had a face like a fish. Of course.

I think it's operating as a sort of a simile based summary of vibe. Simile based summary? Simile based summary. Okay. Because I suppose she's saying I didn't literally say to myself why the eff would ants want a lamp, but I was like that. My mood and thought process was as if I were to say. Yeah, but that doesn't quite explain. And there were like hundreds of ants.

Does that mean there weren't hundreds, but they're massing? It's like less or fewer, isn't it? An uncountable quantity. Well, sometimes the like virus has spread so much. I once had, I obviously won't say who it was, but I had someone on my podcast and the like was so frequent, it had to be edited about four times to get rid of the like count because it was so intrusive. It's a big South African thing as well.

But as it may, and I was like. Oh, just constant and then like and like and like and like and I just thought I can't. But that's the one and I was like. Yeah, it's definitely. Listen, I've got, I took a couple of screen grabs. Yeah. What are we going to see? Elderly women in swimsuits? Hold on, let me scroll past those. I never said they were elderly women. You've absolutely

imposed that on me, you ageist. I was reading about that these croissant lamps are apparently, I don't want to say that they've been ripped off, but let's say they are, they echo an original whole brand of food lamps by this woman who's called Yukiko Morita. This is what, I'll have to look at a website. It says, bread contains within it the beauty of a moment. I'm already thinking, I don't think it does, does it? I think it contains flour. It is something which never fails to warm the hearts of those who hold it in their hands.

She's never had a service station sandwich. See what you should have said then was like BBC Canteen if this had been radio in the 50s. She's never had a national rail egg and cress. So these irresistible qualities are what led to the establishment of the Yukiko Morita creative label. Right. Okay. creative label. Now the label is, I think it's a pond but I can't work out what it is. Can I just read you a bit more? It gets stranger. Sure. Listen to this for a

yarn. As a student working part-time at a bakery I couldn't stand the sight of unsolved bread being thrown away at the end of the day. I would take it in my arms and carry it home, eating it myself, decorating my room with it like flowers, giving it to friends. This modest attempt at daily resistance changed when one evening Everything's resistance. Get settled, get settled. One evening, I saw the light from the western sun illuminating a piece of bread whose white contents I had hollowed out and eaten.

For a brief, inexpressible moment, it glowed beautifully within the darkened room. This was the foundation for my work through. Then comes the name, I can't was the foundation for my work through. Then comes the name I can't work out, Pampshade. Is it Pampah and Lampshade? Is that what she's gone for? Because they're lights. Or is it Pah as in bread and French? Oh Pah. But it's P-A-M-P. Yeah it's not ideal because it's lamp. I have to say when I heard you reading that I thought we'd drifted to quote

your old boss into your poetry podcast. Oh no. Because it sounded very poetic. You made it sound poetic. It sounds like the origin story from a Marvel film for someone sort of called Bread Woman. Yeah, exactly. I hated the sight of the unsold bread. Every day I'd take it home and then one day the light glowed. I'd cry and that's why you murder people who waste bread. Yes. That's her origin story.

Yeah, it's the villain origin story. You know my dad said that if you throw bread on the fire the devil will appear. I mean she'd love that. Yeah. You've got to email her. Yeah, but when it was on the fire she'd be saying oh look at the light coming off that. It's like dog literally in the 16th century or something. And also she's making it sound very grand.

I mean she does French stick strip lights. It's not that artistic is it? It's the red as light. It'd be great if after all that on the website it said, and that's when I started putting light bulbs into loaves. Well that is basically what it is though, she's toasting them from within. Good luck to her. Frank, may I just briefly share something with you? As long as it's not a hypodermic needle.

Minor immaculate. Response to your, it's a response to your poetry podcast. This is from Return of the Steve. This made me laugh a lot. So he's saying that your poetry podcast, he said, rolled onto Frank's poetry podcast, it's rolled onto Frank's poetry podcast, which I didn't know about. Roll dolls, not my poetry podcast. This podcast rolled onto Frank's poetry podcast, which I didn't know about, says Return of the Steve. I was waiting for Pierre or Emily to interject with a comment or a joke.

So I just thought both of them were sat there, stony-faced, waiting for Frank to wind up the topic. Oh, now that would be awful. Steve finishes, I ended up though listening to the whole thing and thoroughly enjoyed it. Really? We get lovely comments about your poetry podcast. That means that the poetry podcast is so good that he was happy to imagine

Emily and I sat there, just staring at you as you talked about it. I think he was going to use the phrase stony face. I don't know if he said it's that good. Well, he thought we didn't like it because we were being frozen out of the discussion. Well, au contraire, we do love it. So can you tell us what is coming up, please? Well this week, it's Ruth Padel. Ruth Padel wrote a poem called Mary's Elephant Elizabeth's Spinette. Now bear with me. It's about, she went to room 57 of the V&I, the Victorian Albert Museum.

I love this already. And it's an Elizabethan themed room. It contains, get this, the bed of wear. Do you know the bed of wear? Anything to do with Jessie? No. The bed of wear is a famous, big Elizabethan bed, which as they said accommodates at least four couples. Wow, no wonder it's one. Or one Henry VIII. Yeah, exactly.

That's the size. Yeah, so it's a really famous bed. It's mentioned in Shakespeare and stuff. And there it is, the actual bed of wearers in that room. Gosh. That's not why I went. We don't want to give you that. As they used to say on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. So, this poem is about two items, Mary's elephant, Elizabeth's spinet. A spinet is, it's like a harpsichord, but if you take the legs off it, it's called the virginals, which maybe sounds even better from Elizabeth

the First, who played it. Oh. It does seem that she played this instrument. Oh, she was very educated. And on the keys. Yeah. Mrs. Elizabeth the First. Mrs. Oh, I think you'll find it's Ms.

Yeah, that's true, yeah. Yeah, the one and only. Ms. And across the room, not far away, is an embroidery, a sort of, it's embroidery the right word, like a sort of- Capestry. That kind of thing. People have sewed, it's been sewed by Mary Queen of Scots. Oh, big fan. It's hers, it is.

Big fan of hers. And it's an elephant. But it's an elephant taken from one of those Elizabethan books with animals in that they haven't got it quite right. They've never quite seen it in IRL. They haven't seen an elephant quite like this one. But yeah, so she's embroidered it, Mary Queen of Scots. Big embroiderer.

Regular theme, I once went to a talk with my friend Denise Miner, who wrote a book about, she's getting very long, but I'm carrying on anyway. She wrote a book about Mary, Queen of Scots, but another woman there had written a book, especially about Mary, Queen of Scots tapestries and embroidery. And she says a regular theme is a tiny frightened mouse and a scary ginger cat which is quite obviously Elizabeth the First picking on poor Mary. You know they were cousins and she imprisoned Mary for 19 years and then had her executed. But anyway. Happy Christmas everyone. The poem is about standing there and talking about this too. So I went, I went, I got on the old tube and I went to the V&A and I stood in this room

and I just soaked up these two items. It's very exciting and so I'll talk about that. One of Ruth Padel's thing is that she likes to mix the ancient with the modern in her things or the history and modern. So- That's like when I dated a younger man. Yeah. So when she talks about Elizabeth playing the virginal,

she says she's playing sort of her version of Only the Lonely, which is a 60s song. But there's a great line from another one of the poems in this collection. And it's about this mythical cosmic jaguar. You know, you see these big animals across the sky, and it says, Jaguar runs through the sky all day on his leukocid paws. Because it's the color of leukocid. Oh, it's really very fine. Anyway, that is Ruth Badella and that's this week of Lucas though. Oh it's really very fine. Anyway that is Ruth Badella and that's this week's poetry podcast. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. The new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going.

Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com.