The Frank Skinner Show - West End Girl

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

Frank has overheard a conversation on a bus that's left him reeling. There's also a question about The Oodie and Pierre has made a needlessly elaborate meal. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that posh radio, and the one with the French name who from South Africa came, they're all here open brackets to rain, close brackets, today. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, people are standing, everybody, all around at a shotgun wedding here in our town, remember it? It was a hit by a guy called Roy C. Oh. And it had the bride music. It started with the bride or heart. I thought it was the second wedding. We all know what those are, Frank.

White trousers are suit? For giving white trousers a suit and angry stepchildren. Every time. Whenever I hear that music, it's just Bugs Bunny and Drag for me. It's such a cartoon wedding. Yeah, with Elmer Fudd. in a little tuxedo. I do.

Being tricked. You're my beautiful wife. And the sign on the back of the car. Oh, the car driving away on the wheels. Oh, I love you, webbit. They lift up the bridal veil and it's just a big dynamite or something underneath him. Yeah, exactly. You know, I find cartoons deeply triggered.

They don't make sense. They're so silly. Roy C had a hit with... Why would Bugs Bunny have a human lady's sexy leg? That's honestly how I used to view cartoons when I was younger. I would say, but he would be dead if he fell off the cliff. It's utterly absurd. Sorry, back to Frank in the studio.

I, perhaps my greatest role model in life is Wael E. Coyote from the Roadrunner. Is he the one that goes around making people lives of misery? No, he's just in pursuit. He's just in pursuit of a bird. And sure enough, no, he's. I've got a model of him on my desk and I've even got a hood ornament of him on my desk. So it's quite a sort of obsession almost, I'd say.

Because it's that thing of whatever happens to him, his eyes on the prize, he keeps pursuing. Oh, it's his resilience you admire. Yeah, it just keeps going. And sometimes, like, it's on the desk where I write and sometimes you think, oh, this is not. And then you think, now, Wileywood, he can be blown up and thrown off a cliff, but he keeps going.

order a catapult from Acme. Anyway, Roy C, who had the hit with Shotgun Wedding, which had special sound effects of, well, they actually went, Q! Coo! Ricochishase, which

you don't really get with a shotgun. Yeah. To be fair. So that was, people are standing all around at a shotgun wedding here in our town. And then he had a sequel called The Wedding is Over. The Wedding is Over. The Wedding is over. the same. So was my career.

Recorded the same record twice in a year. It was, yeah, poor Rye C. Oh, poor I see. Never found out what C standing for either. Let's not dig deep. I've got me thought. No, it's a good song. Anyway, this is Frank Off the Radio.

I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Okay. Oh, can you remind me I've got something to say about Pierre Navelli? strange announcement I should have done this on the last podcast never mind follow the podcast on X and Instagram you can email the podcast via Frank of the Radio

tavel on UK.com and what's happy 0-7-457 4-1-7-1-7-1-6-9 Oh it's that one Why do I keep pressing that one? Sickening. It's like in a Ouija board

your hand just naturally. The 14-year-old schoolboy going over. Will you stop doing that, Kevin? By the way, that does remind me of, I've got a cousin call, Kevin. You probably don't know what that is, do you? Yes, I do. Oh, well done, Frank.

Yeah, it's your era. Yes. I'll be 69 last year, next year. I mean, that's too much, isn't it? What's that going to be? Every time somebody asks me my age. You'll have to say it like that. Sixty-nine.

Swiss-Nurf. That's what's on nerve. Oh, fuck off. Frank, that's such an unnecessary response. Okay. Really? You wanted me to ask you about Piano Valli. When would you like me to do this?

No, well, it's too. I was going to plug Piaennavelli's show. That's so sweet of you. Which show? He's doing a radio show, which was recorded at the weekend, just gone. Oh. So go and see that retrospectively. There'll be another one in January.

Where's that one at? That should be in Cambridge. Okay. That will be advertised. Tight here. Can we listen to it on the radio, though? In early next year. Okay, fine.

Yulth. All right? Yulth. Okay. We can stick a blog on the end of the last one if you want it. I wonder how the tickets are doing. I should check that. I mean, what is this content?

It is free. You're wondering how your tickets are doing and Frank telling everyone to F off. I'm not telling everyone. People who correct my French when I'm doing my best here. Like the French. I love I'm doing my best. I'm nearly 69. Suasanne.

Beautifully done, darling. Yeah. What's the, Serge Gainsbourg? The Anner-Sat. The Anner-S-N-A-S-N-Av. He does a sort of joky song about it being 1969. Okay. He liked talking about sex.

Yes. It's almost as if he was a bit of a filthy creep. I love Sir Tanes. I have a whole pop career, just from being horny. Bold, a statement in this day. I'll see what I've got for you. And I've never really, I haven't, I don't remember the last time I did one of these.

I've got a overheard. Oh. You know when people have overheard. I've got one on a Birmingham boss. Were you on this boss? Well, see, you. Usually I listen to audio books and things. But for some reason, I was just, I think I wasn't sure where I was getting off the boss,

so I need all my senses. And there was two teenage girls sitting in front of me. And one said to the other, and I wrote this day on my phone notes, oh, Michael is so fun. We played Uno every night. And I thought, Adorable. This is not where we've been led to believe.

No. About the young. No. Would anyone, for a start of, would anyone ever describe me as so much fun, do you think? Would you ever hear someone? In terms of who, no? No, in terms of who, no.

Pierre, your move. No, Frank is so fun. I can't imagine. Not only can I imagine anyone saying it, if I do imagine them saying it, I am fucking affronted. I would say, I would say you were funny, but I wouldn't say fun.

But so fun, don't ever say that about. Will you be furious? I would be insulted and furious. What would you think it would imply about you to have someone say you were so far? That he's a bit zany. He's a bit of a wacky dude. I think it would mean I was doing a local event for children in need. But only a local, on televised event.

How old were these young people? A radio wall will. Church Hall. How old were these young people? Oh, God. To tell you, I'd say, I'd say, 15. Michael's quite an unusual name for a young person. Oh, no.

Dad's from the 70s. I'm still stuck on it. Well, apparently, he told them he was a 16-year-old boy called Lance, but when I met him, he was an 83-year-old book called Michael. You just don't, it's like a little of something. Can you play Uno? They would explain the Uno thing, at least. Oh, Uno.

Oh, Una. Oh, this teenage boy called Michael playing Una. How do you define? He's clearly born in 1971. How do you define, though, someone has been so fun because they play Uno every night. Every night. Is it a euphemism playing Uno?

For some sort of dramatic sexual acts. Something that one does alone. Or with lots of reversing. Numero Uno. That wouldn't make me to describe a man as fun. So fun. So fun. Because he, you know, got up to no good on his own.

I wouldn't make me saying, oh, you're so, Frank, so fun. I like Una. Are we talking about Uno or the euphemism now? Because I'm getting worried. No, I mean Una. The card game. It's a good game. I've never played it. Okay.

What do you do? It's so fun. Is it like Ludo? You wouldn't. You wouldn't believe what you're doing, Uno. How do I do it, Pha? Is it just like Ludo or something? It's a card game.

It's a card game and it's sort of. I hate games, that's why. Yeah, it's not dissimilar to Rummy. I loathe games. Yeah. You don't think they're so fun? I just think they're the worst thing in the world. And whenever anyone says, let's play a game, I want to murder them.

No, well, I'm generally like that. I despise games. Every kind of games are awful. Stop games. The Saw films. It's not a really shit one like, Monopoly. They're all shit. It's quicker.

No, monopoly, though. Monopoly is a level of shit beyond. Why can't you talk to each other? Why do you have to play games? Why don't you have a conversation? About how Uno is so fun. I'm pretending to get a dog to go around a stupid board. You know Monopoly was set up to be a bad game.

Was it? It was invented by a lady. Yes, it was. The name escapes me as a deliberate satire on monopolistic capitalism. Was she called Monica Oppily? No. Miss Money bags. Then the game idea was stolen off her by men.

The whole fucking story. She made it as a satire of capitalism to show oh no one wins and if you own all the property then you can just extort people. It was supposed to be a kind of slightly tedious point-making game. And then the men stole it and said... I love this part of the game where I beat everyone. Let's make it a greed is good game.

It's sort of a Wall Street game. I'm not going to describe myself as a feminist. Because when a bloke does that I always think it's a sort of guardian newspaper chat online. Yeah. But I was in a car and someone was on about a woman that worked with and they said she's very raw. Oh, God, she's rabidly ambitious, as the phrase.

I said, you never hear that about men. Do you really? Good point. And I could tell they all thought we're not inviting him out of here. He's not so fun at all. Exactly. Let's see how he does it. So woke more like it.

One of the woke-or-a-a-a-a-a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-a-ha-a-ha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-old. A teenager, though, describing Uno is so fun, as a sentence from a famous five story. How old is it? I thought Uno was a new thing. It's been around a fair, fair while, I think. Yeah, but that's like... I've managed to avoid it, really. That's true. That's like when I watch football, and they say the first time they've won at Altrafford since 19-19-3, and I think,

what do you mean yesterday? I need to know how old Uno is. I want to tell you my old... 1971. 19701. Yesterday. Yesterday. What was I doing in 1971?

Uno. Yeah. But the euphemism. Oh, thank. Well, it's a lonely life in the West Midlands. So bleak. Shall I save the other one for later? The other overheard.

No, I thought you could tell us now. Come on, come on, I were on it. I would particularly like to hear Emily's view and what was going on here. You know, when you're on a train and somebody answers the phone, what's the first thing they always say? I'm on a train.

I'm on a train, yes. So I'm used to that. So, and I'll say, like, we'll talk, but I'm on a train. In other words, it could cut out at any moment. And I will be quiet. So there's a bloke sitting across the aisle and his phone went, and he said,

I can't really talk, I'm in a restaurant. Oh. And I thought, what's going on here then? Why lie? And also everyone around knew he wasn't in a fucking restaurant because he was in a train. What a filthy liar that liar is. What was going on there? Did he get out sort of some cutlery from his pocket and start clanking it in his hands?

I've done that before. I've lied. I've done sound effect. I once lied and said I was at New Year's Eve party because I didn't want to go to something. And my sister quote, we created a whole thing. thing, we put musical. She was banging around in the background. Yeah, well, there we go. Wrecking around the Christmas Eve.

We made up a New Year's Eve party in the background. Because this boy had asked me to this potty and I knew, and I didn't have the confidence. I just ignored the call. Yeah. But I wanted him to think I was cool and I was going out. Quick, set up the Foley studio. Oh, we actually had a load of things.

She was banging, throwing things. Throwing up. Doing sort of muffled conversation. Rustling mistletoe. It was great. Maybe I should have helped him out to go on her and said, la la la de se omnesire. That'll be swast non.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, sir, madame, I take your rap. Exactly. What did, first of all, let's dig deeper. Age of this man, look of him. I would say 37. Good looking? He was.

No, I was talking to you. He was, he was, he had a sort of P. vibe. He was masculine. Hairy. So in good looking. A masculine. A hairy liar. A pint where you get past good masculine and you start to be

live alone in the mountains. Okay. Oh yes. Okay. Sort of a bruise their own beer. I can imagine women falling for him. Okay, definitely cheating then. Oh, well, fair enough. Anyway, next. He said he was in a rest.

That's weird. Hang on, guys. Why would he say he was in the rest? because then presumably the train would be better. No, he's lying, you're right. No, because it depends where he's going. Yes, he can't say I'm going to... He was having an away day. He couldn't say, but he could say,

I'm in a restaurant in the middle of the day and that would be fine. Yes, because he could be with a business client. It was like, it was lunch. Yes. So that would make much more sense, rather than going to a premiere in to shack up with his glamour fixture. I couldn't use public transport to an affair nowadays because knowing I was going for an affair

and using a freedom pass feels really so sordid. I think I would just die on the box. This affair's on the taxpayer. It's over. And also, I feel I'm abusing the freedom referred to in freedom path. The nefarious activities. Also, it's so, when they're a fairer.

Not called a fucking pass, is it? Frank, you always take it a little bit far. Let's take it that bit far. It also give old people one of those. I mean, they're not going to overuse it. Yeah? You just show it to the staff of the motorway hotel. Also, Frank, when you end the affair,

you've got to go away in a 70s black cab. You can't say, don't worry, I've got my freedom boss. It's when you end the affair and they're in tears and it's all terrible and dramatic. and 20 minutes later, they look out, 20 minutes later they look out their window, your outside still tracking an Uber. Which had a bus stop staring at nothing. It's like one of the few times of my life I've been invited on a private jet,

and in front of David Gandhi, he was there, my oyster card fell on the carpet. And I thought, everyone looked at me. No one knew what to make of it. I think they thought it was a very elite credit card. Yeah, completely blank. They'd never seen an oyster card. Did David Gandhi say,

You've seen my vitamin ads. I can see you're a fan of my vitamins. I was in Nobu, which is a posh restaurant. And one of those where the staff are so beautiful and aloof, you barely think, I feel ashamed to have spoiled their night by turning off. And I had a dozen oysters shared with Michael McIntyre's wife, in fact. And when the woman came over at the end to get the order, I said, I'll get these

and I got my oyster card out and nothing from the woman. I mean, if I'd have got my penis out, it couldn't have gone with less disdain. You'd be surprised. Well, maybe. She might have got the oysters reference. Oh, Frank.

I think there was a pearl on it. Frank, that really is below the belt. Most of it Oh sorry everyone Can we call this episode Sorry With apologies With apologies

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From Emily as the weather gets colder Now not all of us are getting a letter like Franks From the government offering us a free 200 pounds To buy a coat for the winter That was withdrawn can I remind Oh what coal for the fire sorry Yeah no but the other side of it said you you don't qualify.

Said psych. Sheena, yeah, he didn't get the money, can we just clarify? So we need to think outside the box. Can we also clarify? I would not have turned it down. Well, why would you clarify that and it makes it look awful

that you wouldn't have turned it down? Of course I would keep it. This £200 will pay for that Premier Inn. That and the Freedom Pass and this taxpayer-funded affair is... No, I thought the idea was I got the £200 in cash and then I burnt that to keep that. Are you the...

secretly, actually the subject of Lily Allen's album, West End Girl. I don't know what that is. Do you not? Oh, it's been everywhere. Do you know if yet? It's been everywhere. What's it about?

She's written an album, which is very, it's really taken off in a big way, hasn't it? It's kind of autobiographical. And it's about her relationship. Do you watch Stranger Things? Well, I watched the first three. So David Harbour, who's a character in it,

I'm not sure which. The sheriff in it, the beard, yeah. She was married to him, and it turns out... Oh, yes. I knew that. There were three of them in the relationship. Oh, I didn't know that. But I think the suggestion is that they had an open... Her suggestion, we should say,

was that they had an open relationship, but there were rules, and he broke the rules. So the album is very graphic. Yes, the key, judging from the success of that album and a lot of Taylor Swift's output, the key to a good album these days is to fill it with gossip and riddles. Yes.

Good songs. with very, either direct or indirect clues to things that have gone on in your private life so people can sit and puzzle over them. I tell you, it's like listening. It's really interesting listening to it because it's like listening to a podcast. It's not like an album.

It's just like listening to someone talk about their life. We're doing a spoken word song about your affairs. And then he did this. I'm a Friday that sounds like my act. And then we bought a house together and we decorated it and then I found me. I like people writing about themselves. Don't get me wrong.

I love this album. But, yeah. If you want your album to do a number, you need to get some really, really good backing music and then just explain something horrible that's happened. But she's very beautiful, I think, Lily Allen. And I do struggle with very good-looking people singing about their broken hearts.

Oh, do you? Because they don't have a clue what we've had to fucking put up with over the years. Excuse me, when you say we, don't throw me. Sorry, I met me, I met we and other people who look like me. My community. Yeah. Just want to get that absolutely straight. It's very hard to get sympathy out of us.

for the, oh, the broken-hearted beautiful. Yeah, what a shame. That'll take them at least 20 minutes to meet someone else. I can't buy that at all. I like we. Who else is in your community? Oddball and carry on screaming. I mean, until I got celebrity,

which is like getting the sexual freedom pass, I really, really always struggle because I don't look great. I accept that. And I went out with other people. people who didn't look great because it was a shame to spoil two couples.

Lovely life attitude. And only the woman I'm married to now is beautiful. But I would never have got her if I was still working in the fact. I wouldn't have met her even. No. And also I would have felt bad about doing it.

What do you mean doing it? Like a kidnap? But yeah, like I'm in the wrong community. What's going on? It's too much cross-pollin. It is. Wrong community. Know thy place.

You know what I mean? And then when I've gone famous, I thought, no, fuck the beautiful. It's about time. Let's spoil things for them for a bit. Frank, you come out of this so badly. I'm not lying. Well, I'm sorry, but... If you could just say that again to this music

and release it as an album. I'm Frank Skinner, West End Boy. I would so buy that album. West Midlands Boy. Sorry for the beautiful. Lady, you lost one of her 8,000 boyfriends from a

misunderstanding. Yeah. This will do numbers on Spotify, top downwards. I would listen to, Frank Skinner, West Bromboi. Instead of West End girl, we're going to go, West Bromboi. Yeah, let's knock up that cover art.

Yeah, I'll tell her about when I got dumped on Christmas Eve. Oh. And I had to give my mom the bottle of Charles. perfume that I bought for the woman. She was blown away by it. And I'm thought, I'm glad I didn't get those open-clad clonkers.

I couldn't have given them to my mum. Anyway. We were in the middle, before I went off on a tangent about Frank Skinner's West Brombois, Ruth Jordan. Oh, Ruth Jordan, yeah. How is she? She was talking about

You're free £200 to buy coal for the winter, which we should absolutely clarify again. You did not get in the end. No, but I would have taken the money. Government Chris Taranted you. I don't want to give you that. And they just took it away immediately. Yeah, exactly.

So the rest of us, not entitled to this, we need to think outside the box when it comes to staying warm. As I work from home and don't really want to have the heating on all day, I was thinking of buying an Udi only for wearing in the house. I'm not mad, Emily. Is this a sensible way of saving money in the planet if I basically gone to the I-Hav-Given-up shop?

Buying a... An Udi? An Udi. Are you familiar with an Udi? No. No. It's like a slanket. Are you familiar with a slanket?

I think I am familiar with a slanky. It has big... I mean, I would only wear it to watch. It is very I have-given-up shop. in their window currently, I believe. But, you know what, maybe there's nothing, there's no bad thing in giving up sometimes. Like a big kind of swirling hoodie?

Yes, that's a good one. It's not really a big squirling hoodie. It's more, I would describe it, as a poncho meat slanket. Is there a hood element? No, there's not a hood element. Oh, and it's called an Oudie. Yeah, Oudie.

And it isn't in any way a hoodie? It doesn't have legs. Where does the name Oudie? from there. It doesn't have legs. So to me... I think you said it was selling quite well.

Thank. I'm just showing for like a picture of a nudie. Oh, that looks. I'd go out in that. Let's have a look. So it's in... Oh, wow. It looks like...

I mean, it's slightly... I should say, it's very now because there's this fashion partly to do with Lily Allen's West End Girl album. You're kidding me. The oversized puffer jacket is huge now. But there's a hood on there?

And this... Oh, yes, you're right. There is a hood on there. I do apologise, Pia. I got that wrong. Few. So that oversized move is very end. They'll be doing it, Triters, soon. Udi Triters, where they wear those instead of wearing those.

Yeah. That's a good sort of Dutch football name, Udi Triters. Yeah. He's in goal. Transferred from Rotterdam. They're essentially. Triters, if I was, Triters have been so successful, you know, when something gets successful and then they get sued. Yeah.

If I was Scottish widows, I think I might go after Triters. because they absolutely like walking through a dark forest at night in one of those gown things. Those adverts were the beautiful Scottish widow and clearly murdered her husband. Oh, do you think she did? Oh, good on her. I once said to my bank person, bank manager person, but I got some money with Scottish widows.

And he said, you won't make any money with Scottish widows. And I said, yeah, but I care about the widows, you know. and he honestly thought he said no but it's not like that he started expiring it did the people at Scottish Widows think I wish we hadn't gone quite so precise with our course

I feel we've shot it down a lot of avenues It's better than our first idea Belgian cousins It's even more specific That's very sleazy Most famous beautiful Scottish widow on the advert Oh she was married to someone famous No, she was the daughter of someone.

Oh. Okay. Oh, like in the ad, the person who played the widow in the afternoon. I can't remember. Sadly, of course, the Scottish widows now, I think, have gone the way of, what was the go-compair man called? Oh, that's a shame, Win Evans. You know, he was replaced by a sort of a logo. Yes.

I think Scottish widows has gone the same. Oh, has it? Like a sort of zany little bereaved widow cartoons. Instead of, do they have here comes the bride, like in the cartoon, but very, very. very sad, the minor keys. If you watch... On the bagpipes. Like a really sad minor key of the wedding march.

If you watch a go-compair outfit now, it's what I would describe as a no-win situation. Oh, God. Frank. Poor win. Can we just... When people say, at the end of Strictly, they said, well, I did Strictly,

it's the best thing this ever happened. to me in my life. No, he didn't. Oh, Wyn, it was the worst thing that ever happened to him. He should never have done it. No. So, just to confirm,

so the Udi, you're absolutely right, the Udi does have... A hood aspect. And it's essentially an oversized blanket with a pouch, a kangaroo pouch, you can store sweets in it, pets, what have you. Okay. And...

A joey. A joey. It's essentially a weighted blanket meets hoodie, is how I'm viewing it. I would say, Absolutely, Ruth, go for it. Yeah. I might buy more myself.

What would you like, Arnie? But then I'd love, I'd like a print of my dog. I want the go-compair logo. Oh, thank you. I don't get that. That looks so tacky. That looks so tacky. Getting into your car.

Getting into, holding the clutching the car keys of your auto repair car. I want to wear it as a reminder of how AI can put people out of work. Are you wearing it as a sort of memento-morty? A protest. Frank's wearing a nudie as a Memento Mori. You're going to have a big carved stone, Winn Evans, as you are, I once was. Even in Arcadia, here I am. Here I am.

Very moving. Classical art like that, very moving. All the great master's paintings have a bowl of fruit and Winn Evans' hair on the desk. Oh, no. So they could remember. Poking up above Jesus' grave. Even in Arcadia. Such a gig to lose the Gocomparance.

Kind of gone forever. That's one take on it, I suppose. Yeah. Okay. So, speaking of large men. Yeah? Which I am one. Oh, okay.

I thought you were going to say, speaking of large men. What have you been up to this week, Emily? As if you knew something. I didn't, was leading her on. Like an American chat show host. Yeah. You asked those incredibly specific questions. You've had some arguments about sheep lately, haven't you?

Shut up. I did something that I do, well, according to my fiancé, every sort of three or four months. And I will decide. We're all on edge now, aren't we? I will decide. I hope it's not playing Uno. To play Uno for three days with Michael.

Who's so fun. He is so... I mess him online. I met him on Uno forums. Yeah. He's something of a figure. I will host friends at my place, and I will make a needlessly elaborate meal for them that stresses me out and takes two days. What about if I brought out a song for the lonely called, Oono in an Oudi I know.

So what do you make for them? A needlessly elaborate meal. Yeah. Okay. They do this young men now, Frank. They cook for their friends. That's lovely. I mean, I would never do it.

I know you wouldn't. I came down Boxing Day once and you gave me a packet of popadoms. Yeah. What flavour? I figure boxing day everyone's had enough food for a while. Well, like now I know that.

Yeah. It was one o'clock, you asked me to be there. A lot of packet of popadoms. Yeah, I sometimes, did I ever tell you about we had people, though? We had people. Merry Christmas. It was the worst boxing day in my life.

You there, boy. fetch me the biggest Popper Dom in the window Is it snowing? I remember waking up that morning and thinking hospitality or diversity. I know.

Get the Bobber Dom's out. We had people around once with their children and we were invited them around and they all came around at one o'clock. And it just didn't occur to me. Catherine didn't think about

we got to about three o'clock and I said let's go for a walk on the Heath and we'll feed We go and feed the dogs. And on the way, they had noticed that children were eating the bread. Oh, I felt so terrible. Do you know, sometimes... Fertively.

They go like... No openly. This is awful. It's like Les Miserables. I know. If Master Skinner catches a snoobly in the duck bread, they'll be held to pay. Jean Valzon. In prison.

In prison. for stealing bread because he went to Frank Skinner's. He called it the dog bread, but on Amsterdam Eat I watched this family, middle class family, and they had this bread

and they were all, come on, we get the loft, come on the docks, come on, children. It was really lovely. They put the bread down to one side and they were throwing these bits of them.

It was like three rats eating the bread on the side of them, just behind them that they couldn't see. It was like the opening into blue velvet where the man collapses and he cuts below the grass

and there's all bogs and they're fighting each other. I've had bars taking me into the larder, into the pantry saying, oh... Shh, shh, don't make a sound. Who's in there? We're just playing Uno.

Oh, it's so terrible. Oh, they mean well, but this is what the young men do, they think. Well, we invited the family, the sort of my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and their child. Oh, you better stock up on the chipsticks. My older sister-in-law round for a roast meal. Me and Buzz was out shopping at Westfield. And they were invited around at 6 o'clock. We were on our way back on the bus at 20 past 5.

No, I don't want to exaggerate. 10 past 5. Right. I got a text from a cat saying, can you get a cooked chicken from Marks? No. What? They're coming at 6.

I thought there won't be any left. So I went into Marks and there was one cooked chicken. And I went off and grabbed that. I thought, well, this got this. It was the size of a sparrow. It was the most fish. I had to fill it out with gougons. I had to get gujons for padding.

Oh, God. And then Kath had a text yesterday. Poulet with no gujones. Goucheon's and roast chicken. It serves them. Well, it's all chicken. Roast chicken on the bed of gujon. It's a bit mixed media.

Yeah. It is a bit, yeah. It's like when someone texts you and you found them back. I agree with that. But then yesterday, Kath had a text from a friend of us and said, I had a call from a friend of mine who was outright, because she was just about to get the last chicken at Marx, and Frank's kid had took it.

I thought, well, there's no secrets anymore. I only got the gujons because someone had put them in amongst the pizzas. You know, when people think I'll have guzons and then think, actually, I won't. And they put them on a different shelf. So even that was just good fortune. Yeah, the gujons were sold out, but no one had seen them in the pizza enclosure.

I'm getting such anxiety from just hearing this, just racing around a super bowl. market. Oh no. They were coming at six. Oh man. So can we just quickly establish what he made? Oh yeah, sorry. Oh, elaborate pies. Oh, all right, sweetie, Todd. Yeah. What was in them? I went, I went beer. I found a Gordon Ramsey recipe. So I thought this would be good. I can swear while I make this. Simple, classic.

Part of it. Yeah. What's that? I can say. I can taste it and go, awful, awful, awful. Christ. What were the flavours? Awful. Awful. Are we allowed to know the flavours? It was a Gordon Ramsey game pie.

Game pie. I live near quite a few good butches. In what way is it a Gordon Ramsey game? It's his recipe. His recipe. And like all good recipes, the answer, whenever you think, why is it always nicer when I go to a restaurant? It's butter.

It's always butter. Every second step is, and add butter, and then chop the carrots, add some butter. put them in a pan with some butter, add some butter. It's every step is butter. And you go, of course, that's nice. Did they like the pie? It did.

The pie was a big hit, but it was stressful. I was on my feet doing all the chopping and all the prepping and stuff maybe five hours. That's a long time. It's a lot easier to buy. I'm just thinking of it being on my feet for five hours. It's a lot easier to buy a pie, which is what I will consider in the future. You should have gone to get to Sainsbury's and got some gouges on. I went to a...

Oh no, sorry, Frank Skinner Nick Moore. I went to a posh wedding. The posh wedding of a woman I work with. I mean, you know, this is what, 20 years ago. I remember that wedding. I was a comedian, but I went to the wedding. And they just did pies. Very classy.

Posh wedding. And they just, it was great. Just pie after pie, vegetable pie, blah, blah, blah. I think it's good. I had a big fucking really nasty argument with her brother. I remember, he said to me, you're not funny, you've never been funny and you'll never be funny. He said to me, this guy. Really?

I said, your sister does my PR. What the fuck? Why did he say that? Hang on. Had you taken the last pie? Can I just know, what happened prior to this? Oh, he was drunk, that's why. Oh, he's not.

What did you say? Drunk and jealous. I've had it before. Again, very much my. Kink. Yeah, exactly. Okay, we better end now.

The next episode of Frank Skinner's Radio... Sorry, did we jump... Is there more pie stuff? Oh, we don't have time for all this pie talk. What is this? A Victorian novel? Is there more pie, you boys? I felt we've fairly broken the crust of that anecdote.

Oh, shall I have to go to a different bike is for another pie? It's Whitson. Can we have part two? on the next podcast. Second slice, yeah. Do you know what? Let's do second slice pie.

I would like to do that, yeah. I want to know more about how the pie went down. Yeah. Have you got a pie question? Oh, yeah. Like on Trivial Pursuit. Anyway, that'd be great to make a trivial pursuit pie where the slices were different colours.

Oh, yeah. We could call the episode 3.14. Yeah. That's pretty nice. I don't know what that means. Use of pie. Do you know what pie is? Oh, that pie.

You're not funny. I've never been funny. You can't do maths. You're ugly. Anyway, the next episode, the Frank Skiddle's Radio Days is out on Wednesday. We've reached 2011. I felt we should have had some sort of a party

for our best bits. And we're discussing the clothes we wore when we were children. Okay. That won't take long. Okay, so I listen to that and it's, that'll be funny, I'm guessing. It's Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, it's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at Avalonuk.com.