The Game with Alex Hormozi - Shedding Relationships In Your 20's (Pt.2) | Ep 475

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Shedding identities is such a core part of entrepreneurship (...) you have to be willing to say, “I am no longer this way.” Today, Alex (@AlexHormozi) shares with us his more in-depth perspective on why it’s okay to have friendships that don’t last long, the kinds of relationships that we need to keep in order to succeed in life, and why you should never take to heart the words or labels that are said about you (even if they’re from loved ones). This is part 2 of the episode.Welcome to The Game w/Alex Hormozi, hosted by entrepreneur, founder, investor, author, public speaker, and content creator Alex Hormozi. On this podcast you’ll hear how to get more customers, make more profit per customer, how to keep them longer, and the many failures and lessons Alex has learned on his path from $100M to $1B in net worth.Timestamps:(2:48) - The best way to maintain relationships is to continue to provide value to the other person(5:22) - Humility isn’t decreasing regard for oneself, but increasing regard for others(9:59) - If you really love the person, have a hard conversation & set them free(11:09) - Walking a different path entails shedding friends faster(12:32) - How much do I love my goal? How much am I willing to endure or sacrifice?(13:18) - Sacrificing things that other people are not willing toFollow Alex Hormozi’s Socials:LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube | Twitter | Acquisition

I remember when I was coming up in the business world, and I was a single guy, and I had one gym, and I remember seeing a competitor who was doing better than me. And he was on the weekend with his kids and his wife, and they were like, you know, at some park or something. And I remember thinking, so how happy I was seeing that because I was like, this is what I'm going to kill you. Like, this is what I'm going to beat you. Is that every moment that you're not working on your business, I will get ahead of you. Because everything that you think that is more important to you than your business is everything I'm willing to give up to beat you. Welcome to the game where we talk about how to sell more stuff to more. people in more ways and build businesses worth owning. I'm trying to build a billion dollar thing with

Acquisition.com. I always wish Bezos, Musk, and Buffett had documented their journey, so I'm doing it for the rest of us. Please share and enjoy. So let's see you've been friends with someone for a while and they start going through a tough time. And so let's say you've been friends with them for five years, a full season, right? So the question is you are not starting to have negative interactions with that person, meaning you're being punished for the interactions. You don't want to keep doing them. They're negative. They're not fun. They're not as motivated. Whatever it is. They're eating junk food and you want to work out. It doesn't matter. They're not doing what they used to do, right? And that's okay because people change. And so the question is, how long are you willing to endure this negative period? Well, it depends on when you get a positive reinforcement again or how long you're willing to wait for positive reinforcement. Parents are willing to wait for kids that have positive reinforcements for almost their entire lives. You can have a negative experience with your parent and they will just keep believing in you for the most part. But all of a sudden, if you, you know, you kill somebody or you, you know, burn the house down and you kill a sibling. I'm just like, we got to take it to the extreme to understand that the concepts, right? Then they probably might not feel the same way. They might be like, they might just cut you

out of their lives, right? So they're not willing to trade forever, right? This is why I also don't think families forever. I think it's a construct. But anyways, with this person, how long you're willing to wait is up to you. It's just how much benefit did you get from that reinforcing period where you got positive after positive after positive. The longer you're willing to wait is the more love you have for the person. I see love is the measurement. Like how much you love the person is how much you're willing to endure for the positive reinforcement. So it just depends on how positive the reinforcement is and how important it is to you long term. There's seven days in a week.

You're awake 16. Realistically, you're probably active 12, right? Because you've got food and shower and, you know, whatever. It's 12 or like active hours. The way I think of my days, I just think of them in halves. So I've got my front half and my back half of my day. That's all I divide my day up, which, by the way, is how Benjamin Franklin did it. I just saw his daily planner is kind of cool. So if someone's going to take two hours, they took a block

because people don't switch tasks. Well, I don't, especially. And so if you think about even more narrowly, I'm not going to work seven days. I might work six, right? And in terms of blocks of time, I have two, four, six, eight, ten. And then if I want to do a half day on one of the days, I have 11. So I've got 11 time blocks. And so if he's asking for two hours of dedicated time per week, he's asking for 10% or 9% of my time, of my active time that I can invest in growing what I want. That is such an enormous ask. And if it's once a month, then you cut it to 2%. To me, still an enormous ask. Forever? I would need some sort of positive reinforcement for that conversation. And so, in my opinion, the best way to maintain relationships is to continue to provide value

to the other person. Because if you're both providing value, and ideally you both feel like you're getting the better end of the deal, then the relationship will continue indefinitely. The better question, to my opinion, is why do people get so weird about keeping a relationship that don't serve them? If it doesn't serve you anymore, you don't provide value. Because you've started to become friends because you did have positive reinforcement in the beginning, or they served a purpose for you, right? If they no longer serve that purpose for you, then if that was the reason you started, then why is it no longer the reason you'd keep going? If that changed, then so too should the condition. Right? You change the variables. Everything else to change as a result.

Right? But we, I think it's just because we have a societal story around it, that you're a bad friend. But I could also think of me being as a good friend to my next friend that I just made room for. So the stories about friends leaving the hometown and no longer remember where they're from is one that is told by society because society is the majority, the majority of people get left behind. So they're the ones who craft the narrative of it being wrong. And so if you feel bad about it, it's because there's a story that someone told you when you were little from the 99% that said, this is how the world is, and you believe to be true and it's not. And so your constructive reality has been based on some truth that you were six years old and didn't understand and took as fact and then lived your life in that way. And then when you went against that fact, because it felt right logically in the moment, but it didn't feel right emotionally.

It's because there's a story that's saying, hey, you're a bad person now. Right? There's a judgment on this action that you did. And for the person who gets left behind, it makes sense to try and get people to feel. bad because they get no value from the person who leaves them. But for me, I'm just not willing to compromise my goals. So if you feel terrible about it, it's also because feeling terrible serves you in some way. So it's a good question to ask when you feel bad about something, there's a reason you keep feeling bad about it. It's because it tells you something about yourself. And so

if you feel bad about it, it may be your way of saying, I'm a good person. And so you feel good about yourself about being a good person because you make yourself feel bad. And this is why like shedding identities is such a core part of entrepreneurship is that you have to be willing to say, I am no longer this way. I will no longer behave in this way. And I don't accept that reality as truth. And so this is my, this is why I define so many terms because like there's a, there's a popular influencer recently, just for an example here, who said, if you looked up the word humility, you wouldn't want it. And if you look up the word humility on Google, it says someone who thinks less of oneself or not highly of oneself. But if you look at the definition on Merrim Webster, it says lack of pride or arrogance.

right? And I prefer to use Clayton Christensen's definition, which is humility is not decreasing regards for oneself, but increasing their regard for others. That's how I think about humility. And so two people, and this is why language gets really tricky, is that one person can say, I think humility is stupid. Another person can say, I think humility is awesome. And both of them are actually talking about different things, but they're using the bucket as the word is the thing to communicate between those things. And so we have these stories or these words that people tell us, and we have definitions that we believe versus what they believe. And so I have to define what is love? What is a friend? What is what is a season, right? What is a positive behavior? What is a negative behavior? And so when you define those things, the reason I give

that lens of love of how much do I love them, how much am I willing to endure to keep this relationship? It massively simplified me sorting my friendships into saying, I love these people more than these people. People like to say love is intimate. Sure, but time isn't. And so if time is the thing I trade for everything I want in my life, then which ones am I willing to trade the most time for? There's capital allocators and there's time allocation. And if time is traded for money, then money can be traded for time. And so money is just a construct for time. And so the people who become wealthiest understand how to trade their time for the best stuff. And so if you trade your time for very low return for a very long time, you don't get very good returns.

And so you look at all the people that you're investing your time in and you say, I'm going to stop allocating here. I'm going to trim this allocation and I'm going to start investing more over here. And you just start shifting that over time. And then you become, different over time because if you look at someone's calendar, you can see what their life is. Like you show me someone's calendar. I'll tell you where the life's going. Hey guys, real quick, if you're new to the podcast, I have a book on Amazon. It's called $100 million offers at over $8,000 five-star reviews and it has almost a perfect score. You can get it for 99 cents on Kindle. The reason I bring it up is that I put over 1,000 hours into writing that book. And it's my

biggest gift to our community. So it's my very shameless way of trying to get you to like me more and ultimately make more dollars to that later on in your business career. I can, potential partner with you. So that's my give. Go check it out. Amazon and back to the show. And so if you look at your hours as dollars, if you've got 24 in your wallet, how are you going to spend them? And realistically, for me, I feel like I only have $2 a day. I've got my front half, my back half every day. And so when someone's like, hey, can I have an hour? Can I have two hours? I'm like, do I want to take half my dollar of the $2 I have for that day, half of it and give it to this person? I'm like, I don't know. Which is why I know becomes the strong,

mostly you have to force over and over and over again. The reason it's hard is because it's hard because it's against what we were taught. We were taught by people who don't want to do what we want to do. So it makes sense that it's different. It's okay that it's different. It should be different because if they believe the same thing we believe, then they'd be the same place we are and wanting to go the same place we're trying to go, which they don't. And that's fine. And so I had many conversations where we were like, dude, you're trying to get famous now. I literally had this not that long ago. You're trying to get famous now. I don't know if I can fuck with that. And I was like, then don't. Because I'm not going to compromise my goals for you.

I love you, but you don't have to sit at my table. Because this is what I want to do with my life. And I know that if I'm 85 and your terms of our keeping our friendship is for me to sacrifice for that man, no way. So that's how I think through it. This French is not worth what they used to be. And that's okay. Your life becomes what you tolerate. And so it's like if I want to have a fucking epic life, I want fucking epic people.

And if you're not trying to be fucking epic, then don't be around. me because this is my bar. And like, my hope is that I can raise the bar and it raises the bar around people with me. And they're like, I want to roll too because they see what I see and they want to hold themselves to that standard. Like, I think it's so much more, like, there's champions in every realm. Like, I can talk to a champion of bodybuilding and we can resonate on the fact that he wanted to be the best. It doesn't matter that it wasn't monetary. It's a different game, but it's the appreciation of excellence. You know what I mean? And so, like, I want friends who want those things. It's the same reason people don't fire people in their businesses.

because they have, and some of this is because of pride, so you're this one out, people don't fire employees in their businesses because they feel bad about letting them go. And that comes from the underlying assumption that you are the best thing that's ever happened to this person because of your ego. You think you're the best thing and they'll never get anything better than you. But what if when you let them go, their lives get better? What if they find someone who's a better match for them, right? It's the same thing in a relationship. Like, I feel bad about breaking in with this girl. I'm like, so you feel bad? Imagine this girl, let's flip the tables, and she's with a guy who doesn't really give a shit about her. Not much. And he's just,

he's just puttering along, waiting for something better to come along. I was like, how would you feel about the girl now? Well, shit, I'd hope that, I hope that that would end for her sake. So you just don't want to have one single hard conversation so you don't actually love the person. If you really want to love the person, truly, then you have the hard convo and you let them move on with their lives, you release them to free agency so that they have the potential to get what they deserve, which you think is better for them. Because what's guaranteed

is that you are not better for them. Because you know that this train only goes one way and it's going downhill if you guys are together. And so it's like, one way is guaranteed down. The other one has the potential for up. So then it's like, why would you not give them that choice or give them that option or that chance? Because like, there's going to be a friend

who's going to move in to my spot on my buddy's calendar who does want to do fantasy football, who does want to drink with him on Sunday. So it's not this like, all right, I'll go to the game with you, but I'm not drinking. Oh, dude, you're not going to, come on, man. Like, I don't have to do with that.

Because the other guy's like, yeah, shot's all around. And they're going to have a blast. And in five years, maybe they become friends for life because neither of them change. And that's a beautiful thing. But I think it's just as beautiful to change and adapt like a butterfly over and over and over again to become what you ultimately want to be. And this just different paths. Neither of them's wrong.

But this path, especially if you're on the path less taken, the path of the entrepreneur or the path that somebody wants to build something that's real and crazy and big and epic and might not even have. happen, then you have to be willing to walk a different path. And that means that you do have to shed friends faster because you will grow and change and a different person. So it doesn't make sense for them to want to stay friends with you. Because you're not the same person. When they should just redefine the thing is what they have to sacrifice in order to achieve it. This was actually a huge moment for me when I was coming up. I remember I was playing out my next to get to 10 locations. I had

six and I was like, I'm going to 10. And I realized time wise that like the only thing that I had left socially was that like that that was not work was that i watched netflix occasionally and that it was and and football on sundaes that was like that was what i the only things left on my calendar that i had to give up and when i just penciled out the math of like number of hours and and stuff i had to do i knew i was going to have to sacrifice that and so i think a lot of people say what they want but they don't say what they're willing to give up to get it and so i think we if we redefine our goals by the sacrifices we're willing to make to achieve it, like what we're willing to put on the altar of our success, like what we're willing to literally kill so that we can have the dream, it would make a lot

more sense to people why they're not successful. And so I think the easiest way to do it is literally look at your calendar, look at where you allocate your $24 bills per day, and say, like, am I investing in the things that are going to get me there? And most people just aren't. And so I literally look at everything that does not get me there. And this is the degree to which you want it, right? How much do I love my goal. How much am I willing to endure or sacrifice or give up in order to maintain that relationship that I have with my dream? And if you listen to Kobe's interviews where he talks about his marriage, his friends,

he says very explicitly that everyone knows that if they fuck with him, that that's how he rolls, that he's willing to put everything on the altar for his dream. Now, some people make the argument that's not, quote, healthy. Cool. I don't think anyone's claiming it is. The question that we're answering here is not how do we do healthy stuff. The question is how do we become the greatest? And that comes with sacrifices. You can't expect to do the same thing everyone else is doing and somehow achieve a different outcome.

And so it's just the extent to which you're willing to sacrifice things that other people are not willing to sacrifice. I remember when I was coming up in the business world where I had competition. And I was a single guy and I had one gym. and I thought to myself, and I remember seeing a competitor who was doing better than me, and he was on the weekend with his kids and his wife, and they were like, you know, at some park or something. And I remember thinking, how happy I was seeing that, because I was like, this is what I'm going to kill you. Like, this is what I'm going to beat you.

Is that every moment that you're not working on your business, I will get ahead of you. Because everything that you think that is more important to you than your business is everything I'm willing to give up to beat you. And I remember feeling that way, and I felt that way for a very, very, very long time. And I think that that is countercultural. And I think that your friends, I think your family, I think your significant others will tell you that that's bad. And I think you have to say back to them, you and I have different goals. It's not good or bad.

We have different goals. And so your goal serve you. The way you live serves the way you want. And basically just comp on the back. Like you live a fucking perfect life for you. I don't want your life. You don't want my life, right? No, I would never want your life.

Cool. So we're in agreement. You don't want my life. I don't want your life, so I can't do the stuff you do, and you wouldn't do the stuff I do. So what's our disagreement? Well, I think that you're going to, and you know what? If I feel that way in the future, I'll shift. It's not permanent.

It's not cast forever. I'll shift. I just think that you're going to regret not having these friends. I don't think so, because that bears the assumption that I can't make friends. Do you think I can't make friends? No, I think you can make friends. Then what are we upset about? What are you saying that I'm going to regret?

I've had these conversations, so I know how they go. right so anyways it just comes down to like do i love my goal what am i willing to sacrifice for my goal because that's what i'm willing to endure and framing things in terms of what you're willing to give up rather than what you're willing to do because everybody allocates their time every single person spends the 24 dollars in the wallet every day so it's not that what you're going to add to your plate you're not going to spend more money you have to stop spending the dollars on something else in order to swap it for what you are doing something has to stop in order to move forward And so if you're fully allocated, which all of us are for our 24 hours a day, the question is probably more useful to say, what am I going to stop doing that I shouldn't be doing in order to do what I want to do to get to where I want to go.