The Game with Alex Hormozi - This is Why You’re Stressed… | Ep 637

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

“This is what hard feels like… and that’s okay.” Today, Alex (@AlexHormozi) explores the mental struggles faced by entrepreneurs and offers strategies to combat anxiety and sadness. He highlights the importance of reframing reality, making consistent decisions, and navigating complex human relationships in business, while emphasizing the continuous acquisition of knowledge for better decision-making and a better life.Welcome to The Game w/Alex Hormozi, hosted by entrepreneur, founder, investor, author, public speaker, and content creator Alex Hormozi. On this podcast you’ll hear how to get more customers, make more profit per customer, how to keep them longer, and the many failures and lessons Alex has learned on his path from $100M to $1B in net worth.Timestamps:(1:14) - Dealing with sadness(2:47) - Discovering options and gaining knowledge(4:35) - Understanding the impact of emotions(8:44) - The role of stress in life(15:10) - The importance of defining terms(19:16) - Impact of expectations on emotions(21:50) - The role of challenges in business(24:28) - The importance of knowledge in businessFollow Alex Hormozi’s Socials:LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube | Twitter | Acquisition

I think one of the scariest things is feeling out of control. That is always like the most frightening to me because I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. That's why defining the terms was so important to me so that I could know how to solve it. The wealthiest people in the world see business as a game. This podcast, The Game, is my attempt at documenting the lessons I've learned on my way to building acquisition.com into a billion dollar portfolio. My hope is that you use the lessons to grow your business and maybe someday soon, partner with us to get to $100 million and beyond. I hope you share and enjoy. If I struggle with something, it usually means that I don't understand it well enough.

And so I spent a lot of time trying to define terms in ways that I can actually do something about them. And so sadness comes from a lack of options, which is why it feels like hopelessness. Anxiety comes from many options, but a lack of priorities, which is why it feels like paralysis, looking everywhere but moving nowhere. And so you solve sadness with knowledge and anxiety with a decision. And so if you don't know what to do, you have to find out what to do. If you have too many things to do, you have to make a commitment. by deciding of all the paths, this is the one I will choose. And so decisions solve anxiety,

knowledge solve sadness. I don't genuinely, I don't experience sadness a ton. And so if I feel it, I'm like, this is weird. Why do I feel this? And so trying to get to the root cause of like, why do I feel sadness right now? I feel sadness because I don't know what to do. And so if I don't know what to do, it means that like I feel like I have no action that I can take. And as somebody who is predisposed to taking action pretty well, that's not a common feeling for me. But then it was like, okay, well, then I have to figure out what actions I have available to me and then I can move forward. But then even the idea that I had to find out what actions I had gave me the first action to take. They got me stop feeling sad.

I mean, the real real was that it was not that long ago because I was thinking about what direction to take acquisition.com, like from our investment perspective, I was like, I felt like handcuffed in a lot of ways. I'm like, I just don't know what to do because I have like, I have this brand here. I have this investment thesis that I started prior to my brand. But I like to stick with things for a long time. On the other hand, I like to take in new data that affects the overall equation. And so it was kind of conflicting two different values that I have of being consistent but also being malleable. And it was basically me trying to walk through that and figure out what to do. At the time, I didn't feel like I had any because I was like, what am I supposed to do? And then the first objective was like, figure out what my options are. And then, because like anxiety is like you already have all these

options. Because like you can move from sadness to anxiety. So you don't have any options. Then you figure out all your options and then you feel anxious, but no longer sad. So I think that's why people cycle back and forth between those things. Fundamentally, if you're trying to, quote, discover options, then you have to gain knowledge. And so you gain knowledge through the way that you were most efficient at it. Some people read, some people watch videos. Some people listen to podcasts. Some people have conversations. Me personally, I tend to talk to people. I, I'm a verbal processor, and so, I mean, my team knows it. Like, I have a lot of, I don't want to say like junk conversations,

but basically I play things out out loud in front of people, and then nine times out of 10, none of that's going to happen. But I like having the sounding board, and that's how I process through things with other people and also getting expert opinions of people who've been there or know somebody who has so that they can give me some insights that I might not be aware of yet. So I knew a business owner who was getting threatened by his wife to sell his company. And it's actually happened a handful of times, unfortunately. And so it was basically like, you have to choose me or you have to choose the business.

And the guy usually feels like he doesn't know what to do. And that's super soul crushing because you're like, man, there's this thing that I really care about, which is my wife and my family. this other thing that I really care about, which is my business, and then somebody's making an ultimatum, you have to pick, which is like basically dying to one side of yourself. And so that's an example of like not knowing what to do, like doesn't know the options or doesn't see a good option in front of them. And I think, I think that would qualify in my opinion. Like you might, sure, but that's usually why when people feel like there's no way out, that's why people get

depressed. They don't, they can't, because like there's always an option. You can always end it. Right. like there's always an option, right? And so it's just there isn't a good option. But people, when they run out of what they perceive as good options is when the sadness just starts spiraling, in my opinion. I think he was breaking it down into chunks and saying like, these are not absolutes. These are not, these are not have tos. These are just choices. And they have tradeoffs. And then there's a scene in suits, which is a TV show. They said, if somebody points a gun to your head, it's not that you have no, like one option. It's like there's 140, things you can do in that exact moment. It's like you can duck, you can block, you can punch him,

you can try and take the gun, you can do whatever he said. There's a lot of different things that you can do. And so I love that frame of like there's 147 things that we can do from what is perceived to be a bad option. And so usually also to the same degree, the wife or the partner or the spouse or whoever is making this quote threat because it is that. It's do this or else. Usually it's because they don't have the skills to know that there's another way to accomplish their objective. Because what does that person really want? They don't actually want the person to end their business. They want something else. Because like they don't actually, like, the business owner ending his business doesn't actually do anything. They hope that it then creates a secondary effect, which is also a really

loose, you know, connection to get what they want? So simply saying, like, what are you most afraid of and what do you want most, tend to get what way more, or what do you want to avoid the most? I mean, that's the fear, right? Gets to the heart of the matter. And it might just be like, I want you to be home more. well then I can just work from home does that solve it it's like well no I want you to pay more attention to me it's like okay those are different things what if I leave but when I come back I spend two hours without my phone with you would that solve your concern right and then you might you know or he might say yes and so I think it's just getting more dialed to and this is the best frame that I can give when it comes to anxiety sadness or really like any big decision that I have to make

is I think what am I going to change about what I do so a lot lot of people want to, like, they think in theories and concepts, but it gets really hard, like, what am I going to do? So you want me to end my, but like, cool, you want me to end the business, but what's going to change about my behavior? What do, what do you want me to do as a result of this happening? And so then you can get way more, like, if you just said hi to me and by to me and remembered my birthday and, you know, came to, like, just, you know, do I have to come to every kid's practice? No, just, just one a week. Okay. Like, what do you want me to do? And then that just gets it way clear and it takes all the emotion out of it because you just get to say, what actions

do you want me to act upon? And then it just gets, the conversation gets so much simpler because it's not, you don't have to deal with intentions. You meant to do this. This was bad. You're like, it takes out judgment. It takes out intention. It's just, we want. We want me to do. I think one of the, one of my other favorite frames of thinking through these things is, which problem would I rather have? Because I clearly have a problem right now. And I'm afraid of a different problem, which is why I may be presented with this one. But when you actually just start spelling out the downside effects of how it's going to, again, affect your actions, not your perspectives, because if it's only going to affect your mind space, then I'd be like, well, then change your mind, right? If it's going to affect

behavior, then you can outline what behavior is. And I'll tell you, years ago, I was in a lawsuit around something that I was supposed to have made a material amount of money on. And we ended up winning the suit, but it was when it happened, I thought to myself, okay, what do you? What do you? It's a is going to change about what I do in my life. And I was like, well, in either direction, because I was working more at this individual, in this business endeavor, I was like, in either case, I'm going to be doing less work because I'm no longer working with them.

So I'm going to work less. And so I either work less and don't get paid, or I work less and I get paid. So either of these scenarios are not that bad. It's all of the judgment and emotions around what I should have gotten, what I deserved, X, Y, and Z that create all the stress around it. But if someone said, hey, do you want to just work less, and just like not get paid for something that you already haven't gotten paid for,

I would be like, okay. Like, it's not that bad of a scenario. And so just boiling the big amorphous ideas down to what changes about your behavior day to day. It's like, is it going to affect how I spend money? No. I'm still young. I'm still married.

I'm still healthy. And I'm still rich. Like, it doesn't change anything. Okay. Well, then why am I worried about it? I'm not. And the flip side is a lot of people cast judgment on stress itself. And they see stress as a bad thing.

Stress is just a part of the human condition. Because you want to know who isn't stressed? Dead people. Until the moment you die, you can always endure it. And once you die, you won't have to. Stress means that you are still breathing, which means it's something we can be grateful for. So you have to get used to it.

And so, like, the only time you're ever not stressed is if you're dead. Because you have no ability to be stressed. And it's just a hormonal reaction to get you to do something, to change behavior. And fundamentally you think about hormones as just triggers for behaviors, then it gets a lot simpler to say, okay, this hormone triggered behavior in the past, which made it conducive to me staying alive. Does it necessarily mean that it's helpful for me to live the life that I want to live? Yes or no? I don't know. But at least thinking through that and just boiling it down to what am I going to change about what I do makes it a lot easier to manage these things because you just don't have this extra.

The secondary dialogue is where everyone gets in trouble. Like, I'm stressed. Nothing wrong with that. I'm stressed, therefore I'm a bad person. I have problems. I have, you know, insert medical label that they want to give me so they can prescribe me drugs. Like, that, in my opinion, is the issue, not the stress itself. It's funny because, like, Layla and I sit on opposite sides of the pole.

Like, Layla has a pension for anxiety and action. I have a pension for, like, laziness and not doing anything. And so we work well together because I can balance. Like, I'm really just not that stressed that often. And that's because my baseline is always death. I'm like, I'm alive. And if I died, I've been dead before. So, and it wasn't that bad.

So, if you're wondering why I say I've been dead before, everyone's been dead before. Being dead, you weren't alive. Have you not been alive before the years before your life? Pretty much all years except for the years of your life. And so I was dead before I was alive and I'll be dead after I was alive. And so in both instances, didn't bug me last time. That's how I see it. I think a lot of people have negative relationships with stress because they were told that it's bad.

I like someone earlier on in your life, it's crazy how much the first exposure to a new thing, the label that someone gives you of good or bad around whatever that behavior or feeling or condition or circumstance is then determines how you think about it for years and years and years. I remember, I'll tell you a funny one, my mom has always tried to like be in shape and lose weight and she struck with that for years. And I remember when I was super young, like, you know, 10-ish. I was just getting into fitness, and she was like, you should curl soup cans. I was curling soup cans in the kitchen because I didn't know, and she didn't know anybody either. And she was like, she was taking this thing and it said, chromium pecolonate on it. And I was like, what's

that? And she was like, oh, like, helps you build muscle. And I was like, okay. And I remember when I was 24 years later, I'm already a state record holder. I own gyms. I have like, and I remember thinking, oh, chrome and pecolonate, that's that thing that makes muscle. But I know that that's BS. But I remembered my first instinct deeply being, oh, this is that thing that builds muscle because the first, and I was like, why do I, why do I think that? I know this is BS.

Because the first time it was ever introduced to me, it was from an authority figure who was the only source of information that I had at the time around fitness. And they said, it builds muscle. And so that was the association I made. And so I carried that unknowingly until I was made aware of it, when I basically made myself aware of it at 24, having now coached thousands of people on weight loss and supplements and all these stuff. I just, that specific one because it's so niche, I hadn't really thought about it. I hadn't revisited my definition on it. Real quick, guys, if you can think about how you

found this podcast, somebody probably tweeted it, told you about it, shared it on Instagram or something like that. The only way this grows is through word of mouth. And so I don't run ads. I don't do sponsorships. I don't sell anything. My only ask is that you continue to pay it forward to whoever showed you or however you found out about this podcast that you do the exact same thing. So if it was a review, if it was a post, if you do that, it would mean the world to me and you'll throw some good karma out there for another entrepreneur. And so I think a lot of people act the same way with stress is that like they were told at a young age that this is bad rather that it means you're alive. Investigating beliefs is super tough because you believe them. So that's why my favorite quote

of all time that'll probably be on my tombstone is from what's this, Orson Scott Cart, says, we question all of our beliefs except for those that we truly believe in those we never think to question. That's my rendition of it, I think, because it's a little bit different, but I like that way better. So that's my quote. And I think, because that's the real, real. It's like, we question all of our beliefs, except for the ones that we really believe. And, you know, kind of in a way, like, the partisanship of society right now with like politics, people like really believe. And it's like you can trick people, like you can really short circuit people by having an article written where they read it about the opposing

party of like all the things that that person's done wrong. And then you just swap the title and tell it's about their candidate. And then like watch their brain try and rationalize because it's so deeply ingrained in their identity because they believe it. And so I try to be really careful about things that like if I try to rationalize around something, then I know it's pretty deep in my belief system. I knew that all these other supplements were BS. And I also knew from many other years of iterations and learning that it was. I just hadn't actually hit like I had this big wall of data. that hit this one little pocket of knowledge because it's such a niche weird supplement.

If it had been creatine, you know, I've probably heard about creatine 100 times, protein, whatever. I'd heard tons of, but this one was so niche that I had never poked at this little hole of ignorance. So the action step that I have is, what's my second line of dialogue? So there's something that happens, and then it's the line of dialogue that happens on top of it.

It's like, I am angry. If you then feel guilty about your anger or for angry about your anger or feel frustrated or stress, like whatever, it's the secondary judgment on the primary reaction. like that's where people spin out and get in trouble. They upgrade their problems to much bigger problems. Like if you get angry and then get angry about your anger, you exponentialize the problem in your life. Whereas on the flip side, if you had a secondary line of code or language that was just like,

I am angry. Huh. Why is that? And just asking why rather than judging what the, like, because I think one of the scariest things is feeling out of control. And so when if I feel an emotion and I don't know why I feel that way. That is always like the most frightening to me because I'd like to, I'd like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. And so that's why defining the terms are so important to me so that I could know how to solve it rather than this is good or bad. But it's like, I'm horny, I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm hungry, it's sunny, it's rainy. Like these are just conditions that we can live with until you die. And they don't have to live with them anymore. Listen, you're going to lose sleep. You'll doubt whether it'll work. You'll stress to make ends

me, you won't finish your to-do list. You'll wonder if you made the right call and have no way to know for years. This is what hard feels like. And that's okay. And so I remember there was this moment. This is, this is like the moment where this is what hard feels like became real for me, was I pledged a fraternity way back in the day. And every, and in my pledge class at day 14, it's just two weeks in, there was this big revolt where like, this isn't what we signed up for. Like, this is BS, like blah, blah, blah, blah. We hate this, et cetera. Like, this needs to end. And And so anyways, the brothers came, they sat us down, and we got through it. Now, fast forward a year or two, I was president, and I was on the other side and the pledge

class that we had revolted at two weeks in. And believe it or not, that happened with every single pledge class without any knowledge that every other pledge class had done this. And what it was was a resetting of expectations around reality. And so I remember sitting down this class and it was kind of funny because they wanted to meet on home field. So I went to the freshman campus in one of the dorm rooms where all the guys are there. So it's like 18 dudes and like me and like my VP.

And so it's like they have the numbers. You know what I mean? And so I was like, okay, guys. I was like, before any of this happened, I was like, who here wanted to be a brother here? And they all raised it. It's like, okay, cool. I was like, who here thought it was going to be easy?

And then no one raised their hand. I was like, I want you to think right now. Like think about this feeling that you have, the resentment, the difficulty, being tired, feeling, you know, yelled at all that stuff. I was like, this, this feeling you have. I was like, this is what hard feels like. You just aren't used to it. And so it was like, all that was, was I just relabeled their experience as what they now were, they expected it to be hard. They just didn't expect hard to be this. And so I said, no, this is hard. And they were like, oh. And then everything was fine.

Just reset reality. And so I like to think about that with going through. business things, going through new endeavors, making content in it not working, getting lawsuits. Like all of these things is like, well, did I think becoming a billionaire or a multi-billionaire would be easy? No. Well, what I'm going through right now is hard, and this is what hard feels like. And a lot of hardness, in my opinion, is actually dealing with uncertainty. And so a lot of us want a guarantee from a world that will never give us one. And so we want to know, beyond a shout of a doubt, that if we do these things, we're going to get this outcome, and it just isn't true. And so we live in this constant.

state of turmoil or tension between reality and our expectations because we want it to be guaranteed and we want it to be worth it and we don't know if it will be but that is why it's hard and that is why succeeding and persevering despite it being unknown is worth it because if you play out the alternative scenario where if you know you type in the cheat code you win all the levels you lose all the fun so if you ever played a video game where you you have the ultimate sword day one and you know where every monster is and you can't lose because you have an impenetrable shield on, it stops being fun. And it's the same reason that the Greek gods envied the mortals because their lives were ephemeral. Their lives were they were mortal. Anything could happen,

whereas the gods' outcomes were guaranteed. And so we have this perception that we want this thing. But if we really were to have that guarantee, it would circumvent the reason it's worth pursuing to begin with. And so I try to remind myself of that when I get frustrated where I stand my foot and have a tantrum and say, like, this isn't fair. I should know this. This didn't work out the way I expected it to. Rather than like, it happened, period. I'm only upset because I had an expectation that I hadn't spoken out loud. And so a lot of times when I am upset, I like to think, well, what expectation did I have that is unmet? And then can I reset the expectation or can I reset reality? And most times, it's easier just reset the expectation.

I think people want a challenge that is worth pursuing that matches their max ability at the time. And I think that's where it gets difficult because sometimes it's a little too easy and sometimes it's a little bit too hard. And so you have to know what both of those feel like and be okay with it. Because life isn't going to give you a perfect challenge. But what it can do or what it will do is it will give you something that you can endure. And I think that enduring it itself gives you proof that you can endure more than you originally thought. And I think that gives you evidence that you can do a lot more.

And I think that's what gets me motivated even through the hardest times is that like this will be one of the stories I tell. not only to others, but to myself. I think that the right levels of challenge are actually where people experience flow. Like when you're editing a video and you just like get in the zone, or if you're writing ad copy and you get in the zone, you're designing a web page and you get in the zone, or you're writing a book and you get in the zone, like painting or you're making music or you're playing video games.

Now, video games do actually adjust reality so that the bosses can get harder or easier for you. But I think we naturally gravitate to the things that match our level of challenge so that time can disappear. And so I think one of the TLDRs on this is just emotions in general. Like, do you get tired, stressed, sad, hungry, frustrated, unfocused? Do you ever feel misunderstood? Great. You're human. You don't need medication. It's just like saying like, it's sunny days and anytime it rains, I need to take medication so that it's always sunny. It has to be sunny. It must be sunny. I need it to be sunny.

Why? Most of the time, it's because we've been told that being unhappy means that there's something something wrong with you. And I just wholeheartedly reject that notion. I think way more unhappiness happens from the judgment on their unhappiness than unhappiness itself ever caused. One of my best frames around this is just thinking law of large numbers, which is like, if I have 365 days a year, what are my bottom 10% days going to look like? Probably pretty shitty. Like bottom 10%, like that's a bad, that's a bad day. How many of those a year do I get? 36. Well, shit, there's 12 months in a year. Okay, well, I'm getting three of those a month. That's actually like fairly, fairly common.

It's every 10 days. I have a bottom 10% day. And so I think about that a lot where I'm like, I don't necessarily need to change anything. I think my plan's fine. I just need to increase my tolerance to the fact that what bottom 10% days look like, feel like bottom 10% days. And I don't need to change anything at all. I think the reason that I like making this content a lot is because I actually do think it relates to business.

Because what's so interesting is I had a team member shadow some of our quarterlies with some of our portfolio companies. And he said something interesting, interesting for him, obvious for me, was all these discussions are who problems, not how problems. And I was like, yeah, once you get above a million a month, everything's who problems. And so it's all about the people. And so I talk about this stuff because, like, as entrepreneurs, you have to be able to keep your head. Because fundamentally, like, entrepreneurship comes down to decision making. It comes to allocation of resources. And so if you can't make consistent decisions in changing environments, then you are not fit to be an entrepreneur or you'll be a less

fit entrepreneur. And so having these constructs that allow you to reframe reality as not good or bad, but just as things that happen and what am I going to do about it, it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be your fault, but it still will be your problem. And I love that frame. And so it's great, got it. It's like the teammates want to figure out whose fault it is on the team. It doesn't really matter. What are we going to do? And then that just massively simplifies the conversation into what is actually going to propel the business forward. And the last time we can spend ideating on fault, intention, blame, and just on what actions we're going to take, the fast of the organizational move. And so that usually comes from the top down. If you have somebody

who's gossipy, who likes to revel in intention, which is one of my least favorite concepts in general, because how are you ever going to know someone's intention? They don't even know their own intentions. Like, there's no point in wasting all this time to try and figure it out, which also gives lots of questions to the legal system overall. But leave that as an aside. Just focusing on action makes everything easier. I remember when I started my first business, which was a gym, I had no business starting a business. And the only reason I was able to start the business is because I was ignorant of how deficient I really was. Because if I knew what I knew now, I don't even know if I would have started because it's so hard and I got so lucky so many times

to be where I am today. Just sheer blind luck in a couple instances. I think working in a small business is a great way to get a much better idea. I came in knowing not, I didn't even know employees were a thing. Like I didn't know sales was a term. Like I really really, I knew nothing. Because at one point, some of my clients were like, why don't you hire someone? And it was like a few months in. And I just hadn't even thought of the, I just did, I just was like, I'll do everything. I'll clean, do the books. I'll run the marketing. I'll do the sales. I'll teach all the classes. And I was like, I just have to pay rent. Everything else is mine. Right. Like, that was like, I just didn't, I couldn't, I also didn't have any more money to pay anyone anyway. So it wasn't even an option that was on the table. And so that's how ignorant I was going into the entrepreneurial journey. And so I don't think it's what, I think it's a contract people sign up for.

or without knowing they're going to end up for it. I think paying off ignorance debt is the single greatest thing that everyone can do in their entire lives until they die. Like I think Socrates said, the source of evil is ignorance. So knowledge would be the ultimate good. If you knew everything about everything, like it's kind of like you can't hate someone close up,

which I like that terminology. Like if you completely understood someone's everything, then you wouldn't be upset with them. You would understand why they are that way. And so I think that's another, like there's a lot of frames that I've used over the years. because like I try to maintain neutrality as much as humanly possible. I still mess up.

But if I'm upset with someone, it's like, I must not understand something. It would probably be a source of their sadness or, I guess it could be a source of their anxiety if they haven't found a good enough option yet, which I would then relate back to sadness, which is they don't know. Like they don't see a really winner winning option. They just see lots of bad ones. And so yeah, I mean, that's why making real business education accessible for everyone has been the mission of the business.

It's like if people have more knowledge, they want to be. make better decisions. If they make better decisions, they will live better a lot.