The Gargle - AI lawyer | Small dicks | E-girl army

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

Vittorio Angelone and Alison Spittle join host Alice Fraser for episode 96 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🤖 First AI lawyer 🏎 Small dick energy✊ Proletariat union💣 E-girl army recruiters🔋 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. You've just been made. It's been a long road to the top for an innocent Italian-American guy joining the local mafia. You've done things you're not proud of. You've done things you are proud of. You've done things that you're proud of but shouldn't be because your moral code is a skewed, futile, hyper-masculine set of reciprocal obligations half-based on movies that are half-based on reality. But you know the game.

You love the game. So when Big Sal, the boss of your local mafia ensemble, summons you to his office, you know it's a test. And when you walk in the door, you listen carefully for any sign of the gargle. This is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World.

All of the news, none of the politics. I'm your host Alice Fraser and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Alison Spittel and Vittorio Angeloni. How are you? Very good, yeah, very excited. Got some new blood, new blood in the house. Yes, I'm very excited to be here. Yeah, there's a bit of a hazing ceremony at the start,

but then you'll be fine. Was it like a rugby initiation? Are you going to make me strip naked and run through the quad? I think so. Yeah, we all stand around you in a circle and go, skull, skull, skull, while you gently drink half a glass of water. Audio high five, Alison. Before we all get into a room and download the scandalous clip

that is this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover this week is Greta Thunberg, who was recently arrested for protesting outside a coal mine. The picture we're using is a recycled shot from a few years ago because that's what she would have wanted. Oh, my gosh. Have you seen this photo of her being carried out by the police

from the mining site? No. Yeah, she looks great. Yeah. She does. Yeah, she looks chill. Genuinely. She looks like she's being carried in a toga party

or something like that. Like, it's just, she looks like she's having the crack yeah good for her genuinely there are some people who say because she sort of you see uh her being filmed she's posing for some photographs with the police some people are saying that because they had this posing for photographs uh that the arrest was staged but they don't understand that that's just what it looks like when rich people are arrested for non-violent crimes in this instance she's totally happy to be arrested so she's not doing that thing where you hide your head under the coat

because she knows it's going to bring attention to her cause it's not the same thing as like arranging to be arrested with the police yeah it's a shame you can't like pick your own filter when you are getting a mug shot like i would love like a little cat or something like that. You know, if I had to pick one for... Oh, you want like dog ears and a tongue while you're like on your mugshot? Absolutely. For when I inevitably get done, and I will one day, I know.

I want little dog ears and little dog tongue. I have to say the best thing for me about pregnancy is it's made me just slightly more short-sighted. So I bring my own filter to the mirror now. As I age, I can't see the wrinkles as much. It's just generally a soft focus across everything. I've Vaseline-ed my own world. The satirical cartoon this week is left-wing and right-wing outrage generators in an Old West saloon gunfight,

backing together behind the same pillar and aiming their guns at a shadowy figure that's just come through the swinging door, which is labelled the new animated Velma show. Have you seen how angry people are about that? I've seen people reacting to people's anger over that. Like a lot of things on Twitter lately, I'm just like, it doesn't need me to pay attention to it in order for it to survive it can it can go on if only more people had that attitude that allison has where people don't need to hear

what i think about this actually there's so few people in the world doing that that it's that's the problem with everything is everyone's got a tick on everything nowadays. That's just a genuinely exciting cultural phenomenon when everybody's angry about the same thing. It's beautiful that we can all be brought together. I mean, they're angry about different things in the same thing. There are people who think it's too woke and people who think it's not woke enough. Who would have thought a Scooby-Doo prequel would have caused so much uproar? I guess it's like the prequel to Scooby-Doo in a way,

before Scooby-Doo became the most inoffensive show in television history. You have to have a show that starts with two lesbian police officers of colour shooting a suspect for fun. Like that's... I love that that's both left-wing and right-wing. Yeah. I love that in the end of it could be like, when it gets cancelled, of it could be like that when the when it gets cancelled the

creator could be like and i would have gotten away with two of you pesky kids who were tweeting about it all the time so wait is this like an origin story like are we doing scooby-doo origin stories now well this is yeah the velma origin story that is so why is everything an origin story now what would be the funniest movie to have an art like are we going to do the origin story of dexter's laboratory from cartoon network 2007 the pillsbury doughboy i'd love to see how the pillsbury doughboy started like was he made that way wasn't, it started with some Pillsbury flower mummies. And a very horny woman. Some push pastry and a very lonely woman in her 70s.

Oh, baby, I need you. There's breaking news. The BBC's press officers just issued a statement after sex noises were heard on air during a live broadcast. They issued a statement apologising noises were heard on air during a live broadcast they issued a statement apologizing for any offense caused and a self-proclaimed youtube prankster has taken credit for the sex noises uh but this news source the gargle refuses to share his name because that's what he wants us to do i loathe pranks i i think they're the lowest form of wit uh mostly they're

about making someone feel stupid for doing something completely normal because who goes around expecting to be tricked all the time like you're not stupid for being tricked by a prankster like what kind of a world do you live in where you're constantly expecting like a a prank to happen you're a maniac at best pranks are disruptive at worst they're genuinely traumatizing all pranksters deserve to have their own pranks played back on them the day they've just lost a beloved relative because the hell you build is the hell that should come to you. It is psychological warfare. When I open a video on my phone,

I feel like a Vietnam vet just like waiting for that noise to come back. And I'm like, no, no, not again. I used to be like, oh, well, all different kinds of comedy have their place and, you know, it might not be for me but if it's for somebody. And then I saw a prank video where they got a cleaning lady in to clean an apartment and they had what appeared to her to be a dead body in the bath.

And then she turned around and there was a man behind her with what appeared to be a gun and she thought she was going to be murdered after being forced to dispose of her body and what a terrible thing to do to a service worker like genuinely i have no mercy for pranksters she must be able to sue for that there must be like like emotional hardship or like like distress caused there's she should not just be allowed to sue. She should be allowed to line up and just take a straight kick at the balls of everyone involved.

And I guarantee you everyone involved had balls. Yes. Just Erin Brockovich doing a class action case against Jeremy Beadle for like past crimes. Now it's time for our top story top story is legal tech news and this is the news that an ai legal assistant will for the first time help a defendant fight a speeding case in court allison spiel you're pretty fast can you unpack this story for us well i i decided not to unpack it myself i decided to get the help of an AI creator.

And an AI creator has written all of the synopses of stories that I have now. So here's what the AI creator said. And I said to the AI creator to make it for podcast listeners, to give it a wry spin. And we'll see what it says. Alison, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We've been friends for a while now. I just have to know, do you think I'm rye?

The most brutal insult. I don't know what rye is. It's bread, isn't it? I thought, you know, I should ask him to take a sideways look at the news. So, here we go. Here's what the AI has to say. Next month, the world's first robot lawyer will take a case in court.

An AI legal assistant helping a defendant fight a traffic ticket. The AI created by the startup Do Not Pay will be run on a smartphone and listen to court proceedings in real time. Then direct the defendant to say what to say via headphones. up do not pay will be run on a smartphone and listen to court proceedings in real time then direct the defendant to say what to say via headphones the groundbreaking hearing is scheduled to take place soon do not pay also promises to cover any fines in the event of a lost case

inventor josh browder a stanford university educated computer scientist created do not pay in 2006 rye podcast listeners here's your chance to see the world's first robot lawyer in action! So there is a breakdown, according to the AI, about this story about an AI lawyer. Does the AI think the podcast

is called the Rye podcast? Yeah! There must be one. And no offense to it, but i'd say it's the worst podcast in the world no do you know what i mean that's sad you you don't know how many bad podcasts there are every open mic comedian has a podcast never forget that that's true alice it's not very it's not very uh not very high in gluten, so you can at least guarantee that the Rye podcast is going to be the crummiest podcast out there. Hey, you can't see this in the podcast,

but me and Alice are high-fiving each other. Oh, over the world. Our hands are going over the world, over hemispheres. Beautiful. I know, hands across the world for a pod i worry about this ai advising the client to say through a set of headphones because anything that's involved with with technology or the internet eventually gets invaded by spam bots and pornography so i don't want to know what the court transcript is going to say the first time that a defendant

in a speeding case starts advertising only fans you You mean like, what's the verdict? Horny, your honor. Whatever, like, what's the verdict? Are they going to get Gary Lineker pranked into their headphones during the court case in the middle? She's like, uh-oh, hey, yeah. And you're like, no.

God, no. I'm trying to defend myself here. I feel weird about AI, though. Like, is it an actual person? Because once, like, I fed actual person because once like I fed my Furby porridge wait isn't that the point Alison it's not

a person no but I feel like I feel bad when I make fun of AI as if it has feelings do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah I think this is our like understanding of it like my understanding of AI is so like domestic like the only way I interact with AI is like

playing FIFA against my Xbox and that makes me think are there going to be like difficulty levels to the to the AI lawyer where it's going to go from like Gil from The Simpsons to Rob Kardashian getting OJ away with murder. And you have to play any level in between those. And then the only other way I drag with AI is Alexa. So it's like you have to defend yourself and be like, Alexa

if the glove doesn't fit. I don't know I feel like maybe I'd be the type of person that could get like Henry the Hoover to represent me just because he is like on the size

do you know what I mean I'd be I'm a very like people driven person and if I had to get like just Nunu from the Tally Topics

yeah I mean as a lawyer he sucks but there we go. I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening to me this week. No, I love it.

I love it. Now it's time for our ads, your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening? You do with Milton's detachable legs. All the three- in the afternoon and three in the evening you do with milton's detachable legs all the three-legged races none of the teamwork this episode of the podcast is brought to you by the finger hammer sure you could cut your nails but why cut them

when you can bludgeon them back in with the new finger hammer to a finger hammer everything looks like a fingernail oh my god that's the most horrific advert you've ever done. Genuinely. Thank you. Yeah, my cuticles are frothing just listening to this. And this episode is brought to you by pillows, the bed for your head. To a sea monkey, half a glass of water is as vast as the universe,

so who are we to say that our own universe isn't just someone else's half a glass of water? Half a glass of water, a.k.a. the end of the Men in Black movie with the little marble thing. Nice. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy.

Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry,

and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. Small dick energy news now, and this is the news that some scientists have done a study on what men think about sports cars

if you make them feel insecure about their penis size. They did a study where they asked a series of men how they rated various products. And at the same time, they informed the men that the average penis length was larger or smaller than it actually is. Apparently, if you believe that your penis is less than average, you are more likely to rate a sports car more highly. So Vittorio, can you unpack this story for us this is ethically questionable in my opinion as the token man on the show i would like to say that i do not condone what these scientists are doing to these poor boys you can't bring men into a room and go hey did you know your dick's pretty small did you know that ah isn't that bad hey what do you think about this lamborghini to run an experiment i don't know how any of these people still have a job at a university

like it's horrific i thought this is worse than like the stanford prison experiments it's worse than any of those electric shock experiments this is a terrible thing to do this you can't bring a participant in a study into a room and just body shame them straight away it's a terrible like can you imagine if they did it to women if they were like oh our hypothesis is women that have no ass complain more at restaurants and then they bring all these women into the into the like and fade them bad suit the average ass is really big did you know that wait a waiter this tube is too salty lady that's because you're crying into it too hot don't see your tears miss don't see your tears it is such a strange experiment it's not been

peer-reviewed i love the way they added that and i was like yeah of course but um what is the point of this uh like with a lot of uh science kind of experiments and breakthroughs i am like who who decided this was you know cancer still hasn't been cured yet we do know that but yes yet they're they're they're asking men about their penis size and about lamborghinis and can we cure asthma like can we at least do asthma even asthma at this stage i mean if you had to rewrite this foreign ethics committee uh victoria allison what would you do would you say uh study whether men who believe their penis size is smaller are more likely to cure cancer. Is that? Why do we do that? Why do we tell men their penis size is very small

and then say cancer hasn't been cured yet? The person who cures his cancer has the biggest penis, just naturally, you know what I mean? Instead of a Nobel Peace Prize. It's a big dick award. That's what Nobel Prizes are. It's the Nobel Peace Prize, but it's P-I-E-C-E rather than P-A-E-C-E. The Nobel Pipe Award, just laying pipe.

I mean, this whole thing is predicated on the idea that having a small penis is a bad thing, but it's not. What if you've got to pick a particular size lock? Yeah, genuinely. It is a kind of thing of like, I i don't know people who have big penises i think they kind of like rely on that a bit and don't bother with any other yeah i'm just saying they're not the best lovers that's all allison that's the kind of thing where you go i'm just saying and then you do like a euphemism yeah sorry yeah no just a memory just they're not great and bad if you know what i mean now my study isn't peer-reviewed either to be honest

with you but like anecdotally just saying lots of big pipe they don't do nothing with it it's ornamental now it's time for your reviews section. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. Alison, what have you brought in for us this week? So I asked the AI creative to do a review for me. I said, could it review itself for the listeners of Gargle? So it says here, this AI assistant is a real hoot. Writing jokes of it has been a blast gargle listeners will love the experience as it uses its advanced ai technology to come up with

funny punchlines that are sure to put a smile on their face give it a try and let the good times roll now i thought that wasn't a good enough review so i i've made it smaller i asked them to review putting batteries into their mouth because i feel that's a good like this i've reviewed this before in vittoria and it was it was a scientific mindset this is yeah so i'll read out their review being a human who puts batteries into their mouth can be quite an experience why Why did it do it? Well, some people do it for fun, while others may do it as a dare or to prove a point. No matter the reason.

To prove a point. I mean, that's what I did. Yeah, revenge. No matter the reason, the consequences of consuming batteries can be quite serious. From gastrointestinal issues, oh no, to potential burns. Batteries can be hazardous for your health.

So if you're considering putting batteries into your mouth, think twice, gargle listeners. Be warned, battery consumption is no laughing matter. And then I forgot to ask it for stars out of five. So I said, I asked it to rate itself out of five it said if you had to rate the ai assistant out of five stars how many would you give it if you're a gargoyle listener let's have some fun and give it a rating of five out of five stars so five out of five so big ups itself yeah it does it does i mean it's got confidence this ai technology. Alison, have you not read any of the scary things about AI in that when it becomes self-aware, that's a bad thing?

You're goading the AI into taking over the world. Oh, no. This is like that time I fed my Furby porridge and it got damaged. And I was afraid it would hurt me tell us more about the time you fed your furby porridge alice well the furby insisted it was hungry and i was getting tired and hungry all the time and I thought what's a long lasting slow release of energy and I fed it porridge

now I was I was eight but I fed it ready break and it just got clumped into its fur it's too old no it's not eight years old I can't be tried in a criminal court i feel its mouth became the oats dried and its mouth became like semi-open all the time a bit got

into its eye it looked like really angry with me and i put it into a cupboard and also my neighbour told me that the CIA was in my Furby but I lived in a small village in Ireland I didn't see why the CIA would have any business with me but anyway there we go Good to know that the CIA is getting some

complex carbohydrates into its morning Victoria what have you brought in for us to review out of five stars this week? I have decided to review something that I can't stop listening to. The thing I'm reviewing is the audio of TikToks that other people have decided to watch out loud on the bus. It makes me so, so angry. I don't know whether it's a pandemic thing or whether tiktok has given everyone so many mental health problems that they are no longer aware that other people exist

and might not want to hear lo-fi k-pop that accompanies a stressfully young woman dancing on screen like i don't know what's happened it just seems like in the past six months to a year when we've come out of the pandemic and it does seem to always be tiktoks people just watch them out loud yeah and it just boils my blood every single time so even though i listen to it every single day zero stars not a fan nice zero stars we got we got the full gamut of ratings. We got five stars self-applied by the AI, and we've got zero stars. And then we've got however many stars the Furby's going to give that porridge when it unclags its mouth enough to speak once more.

Oh, God, that's the most horrific sentence I've ever heard. When it unclags its mouth. You waterboarded a Furby with porridge? I did, basically. Now it's time for our gaming news. And this is the news that a video game studio called Proletariat has declined to recognize a union. Vittorio, you're extremely communist. Can you unpack this story for us?

Extremely communist. communist can you unpack this story for us extremely communist yeah so basically the gaming company proletariat is about to be bought by activision blizzard which are a famously like terrible working conditions game company so the workers decided oh well we're called proletariat we should listen to that karl marx fella we should get a union going and then obviously the big massive company went no no no we don't like it when workers have rights. So you're not allowed to have a union, even though the company is called proletariat. But that is a big thing at the minute. All these massive corporations are like, there's almost like a corporate fetishization of left wing politics.

Do you know what I mean? They're like, eat the rich. And it's like, right, but this is a T-shirt from Urban Outfitters. Like, what are you talking about? You're not representing this properly. I mean, this is the great thing that capitalism does with all threats. It's like Christianity did with side religions. It's like, oh, that's a nice tree.

Let's make it Jesus's tree. You know, that kind of, that's basically what they're doing. They're like, oh, that's a nice tree let's make it jesus's tree you know that kind of that's basically what they're doing they're like oh that's a delicious rebellion yum yum yum yum let's sell it back to you so that you can express your identity only through commodification rather than through any other form of you know say disruptive uh activism yeah like that kylie jenner pepsi ad where she was like leading a protest and then just gave a black person a Pepsi and that solved racism or something I don't know like computer game companies and kind of tech companies that kind of pride themselves as being a good place to work But I would love to see like uh mario the plumber making union

you know and he's like i'm sick i'm sick of all this bad workplace environments it's very unsafe for me there's these plants that are trying to eat me these you know these kind of bowser is a bad boss altogether you know he would get done i would feel in real life and why are we going for legislation instead of like mario just having to jump on top of people to solve these workplace issues he's constantly dodging fireballs at work yeah a healthy work environment imagine that in your work safety video so there's a fireball at work all he should do was jump twice. He's not being paid to rescue princesses. He just wants to do an honest day's work of laying pipe. Yeah, exactly.

Net Mario, lay pipe. Propaganda news now, and it's exciting to hear that armies are moving into the future, not just with increasingly high-tech missiles, but also increasingly high-tech recruitment tactics. Yes, they are recruiting sexy ladies to do sexy TikToks and lure people into the army. Alison, you look easily lured. Can you unpack this story for us?

So this is a story about the kind of rise of e-girls, which are young women who are made up in a kind of anime way in real life these women look like uh an incels mouse pad so do you ever see like uh the mouse pad where they're ergonomically designed to protect an incel's wrist and it's just a really big ass with a very small waist and a woman attached to it these women are made made up like that to encourage young men to join the army. And it's just a very, very strange phenomenon. There's about three different e-girls. I've looked at a few on TikTok.

There's one who just waggles her ass constantly and goes, avoiding the sniper. And I'm like, that doesn't, you know, your head is not moving the sniper is gonna not he's not gonna go i'm trying to shoot her in the ass i can't get her she's not moving her head she's number one rule i've tried to avoid a sniper you know move your head but uh yeah so this is a weird thing where they're trying to get gen z into the military uh and it's kind of in plain sight as well they're the american army are doing psyops

uh with tiktok and they're trying to encourage people to go into the army you know that shaggy was a member of the u.s army and uh he was genuinely it wasn't me guy was in the u.s army and the u.s army used to put him on their conference and say we can help you have a music career look at Shaggy and then try to encourage men to join the army or people to join

the army that way so it's just it's a very very kind of like modern story about trying to encourage people to get into the

military I kind of prefer this though to like you know join the army you might get a big tittied big ass girl

with a small waist rather than join the army you might make your life a bit more interesting like that's the general one before that it's like are you sick You might get a big-tittied, big-ass girl with a small waist rather than join the army. You might make your life a bit more interesting. Like, that's the general one before that. It's like, are you sick of going to the bookies? Why not shoot a person?

And this is like going, this is saying to people, you know, maybe this woman who calls herself waifu might f*** you, so join the army. Well, I mean, obviously we're living in a more and more high-tech world and i think they're trying to lure in people with particularly with technological skills who might have encountered anime pornography i think they're looking at a venn diagram overlap of of programmers with boners for ladies in bdus yeah Yeah, they're going to be like, it's a Bukkake of bullets, guys. It's a real massacre down there. Put it into language that they understand.

You send them off to war and you're like, thing is, guys, they can't afford their rent this month. So what are you going to have to do? And they're going to be a new brand of porn call it rather than fake taxi it's just fake tank there's not much room in a tank it's gonna be the driver and like two people this is something that the the simpsons predicted and it's mad how it's just real now like there was an episode of the simpsons where they did these weird psyop like subliminal messages of like eva netanyahu but you play it backwards and it just says join the navy and it's just real now

but like allison said i think it's probably i don't think it's worse than like army ads recruitment ads in the uk where they're just like hey can you fix a bike kill some innocents what about that it's it's better than that like it is a more positive thing to be like hey look like we've got these incels and they normally go and like shoot up a school or whatever but if we get these hot girls to recruit them they can do so they can like ship the killing elsewhere where it might be useful i mean the history of women in australia is of a bunch of like young women being tricked into coming to australia with like romance novels uh because the british government was worried that the damned whores were taking over the colony of Sydney.

Wow. Yeah, because they sort of formed cartels and brothels down at the rocks. Basically, all these women sort of got together and then they had a monopoly on pussy. And so the British government was like, ah, quick send uh gently bred young Christian ladies and so they wrote really bad romance novels where like you'd go off and go off to Australia and marry like a wealthy grazier and have a nice life and so all these nice young ladies came straight out of school and got sent to Australia and they you know met some wealthy grazier off the off the boat and ended up killing snakes in the bush for a year.

Oh, God. That's so funny. They busted the union of pussy. This will not stand. Control the means of production. I don't think standing was the problem. Yeah, that's true. This will not kneel.

Oh, that's all the time we have for this week's episode of The Gargle. I'm flipping through the ads at the back. A big thank you to our roving reporters, Chaotic Neutral, who sent in the Small Dick Energy story, and Sealips, who sent in the Proletariat story. Vittorio, have you got anything to plug? I'm on tour April and May all around the UK and Ireland there's extra dates

being added all the time so check out my website best of luck spelling vittorioangeline.com I've got a podcast called Weight of Misfortune it's coming back on tour

in a show called Wet it's going to be on in Soho Theatre on the 15th and 16th of March and it's going all around the country it's going to be good fun.

And you can find me online at patreon.com slash alicefraser. It's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, which you can get there for free, my podcasts, my blogs, and my weekly Tea With Alice salons, as well as my writers' meetings, which I do every week. Also, my tickets are on sale for Adelaide Fringe for my new show, Twist. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production.

The executive producer is Christina. The editor is Ped Hunter. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories,

and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.