The Gargle - AI pools | Binance deepfake | Feather boas

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

James Colley and Tom Neenan join host Alice Fraser for episode 77 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🏊🏻‍♀️ Pools uncovered by AI👥 Binance deepfake scam🇦🇺 Feather boa traps📸 VMA red carpet fashion🍹 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Robert Burns came of Scottish lowland farming stock and worked the land himself. These origins gave his poems an earthy realism which created a sensation in an age still dominated by notions of literary refinement. He quickly became a phenomenon after the publication of his poems, chiefly in the Scottish dialect. The poems and songs of this edition appeal to a European-wide taste for primitive genius. Also, The Gargle.

Hello, this is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World. I am your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Neenan. Hello! Hey, and James Colley. Hello. Hello.

Very sober hello. Yes. I just thought I should yin your yang. Hello. That was very sober hello. Yes. I just thought I should yin your yang. Yes. That's why we work. This is why the show now makes me so electric. Well, it's like who chooses the first chess piece can dictate the course of the game.

If you choose to come in cheerful, yeah, you know that James Colley's going to meet you as your nemesis. This is the Colley's Gambit, as we call it. Before we grasp each other's hips and start doing the wiggly dance that is this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week

is newly single Camilla Moroney, Leonardo DiCaprio's latest 25 year old ex-girlfriend, posing provocatively with a fully formed prefrontal cortex. On one hand i'm pleased for both of them on the other hand i think it's a real tragedy that he's aged out of the demographic who remember him from romeo and juliet and into the demographic who remember him from django unchained have you been following this story i don't think i'm not sure if it counts as

news that leonardo dicaprio never dates anyone older than 25 but are you aware of it well yeah I was following this because I was like I'm working on a show right now that's about misinformation and we're like well this is a prime example that this is the kind of thing that people believe but when you go back and check it it's not real nope turns out right on right on and look I the bit I will sympathize with is have you hung out with a 25-year-old? It's awful. But don't hang out with a 24, 23, and 22-year-old to get to that point. Collectively, his girlfriends are pushing 100. So that is impressive.

All I would say is if you want to know more about this, stay tuned for my review section because I have thoughts. They used to say you can't make it in Hollywood over the age of 27. But let's be honest, DiCaprio can't make it in you if you're older than 25. When you are dating Leo and your 25th birthday happens and he takes you out for dinner, it must really feel like when the other mobsters say, hop in this rowboat. We're going to have a lovely time on the water there's a real old yeller being taken out to the barn vibe isn't there i like this story because it's either compulsively creepy or weirdly honorable like nobody can accuse him of leading

these women on they're capable of googling they're all under 25 if you want to enter the thunderdome with the best of the best you have to be willing for one man to leave when you turn 25. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, yeah, he has never hidden this at all. It is just, I mean, I'm going to use the word psychopathic, but good for him. You know, I think we're all about owning ourselves now and about like kind of being true to ourselves. And he's just doing that. So good for him. That's the best true to my do you know what i've decided to really embrace that i am a slut i'm gonna enjoy every moment of it because that's my truth exactly exactly i mean i saw some

people accusing him of being afraid of commitment bullshit he is fully committed for life to never dating anyone older than 25 that's a commitment yeah and also leo is a massive environmentalist and he knows he needs to warn as many young people as possible about the coming climate there's no use stating someone age appropriate it's too late for them i always wonder how him and greta thunberg got on because greta thunberg loves icebergs and you sort of think Leonardo DiCaprio must absolutely hate them. So, dichotomy.

The satirical cartoon this week is a person in mime makeup saying, children should be seen and not heard, which is why I'm raising a troop of mimes. And then there's a lot of children miming being sad. And Leonardo DiCaprio is going to date all of them. Ayo! Now it's time for our top story, tech news story.

This is the news that there are a huge number of undeclared pools in France being uncovered by artificial intelligence technology. James Colley, you're wet. Can you unpack this story for us? I was really, i was trying to guess ahead of time what i was going to cop and i was i thought it would have been your intelligence is artificial this is a story where an ai flying over france found more than 20 000 undeclared pools uh so these pools boost your property value and then you should have to pay taxes on that greater amount

now this is let's say a huge step forward technologically before this to find a hidden pool in france you had to burn down the building on top of it that's very wasteful very expensive and then when it turns out there's no pool underneath the notre dame it's so embarrassing um the problem i have with this is we're leading into the most boring kind of skynet apocalypse possible like at least the terminator had big guns and explosions and stuff they're still gonna kill us but it's just gonna be through auditing this is all like it's it's flying tax drones is what has happened here. They tried to justify being like, well, they've got these illegal pools while 100 municipalities are short of drinking water. But both of those problems are on you.

It's like, well, if we just knew those pools were here, we'd invite the village over to all take a cup from it. You've mishandled two things. Congratulations. Julian Bayeux of France's Europe Ecology Greens Party, he didn't rule out a ban on new private pools if they got into power. He said that France needs a different relationship to water and that the ban would be a last resort. Ironically, banning pools would mean that the last person who had a pool installed would be the last resort ironically uh banning pools would mean that the last person who had a pool installed would be the last resort that was a long walk it was worth it though it was worth it and there was

a lovely cool pool at the end of it so everyone's happy yeah it's somewhat of an oasis we got there it costs about 170 uh pounds a year for a 30 square metre pool. But I understand that pools in the shape of guitars are exempt because they're awesome. So that's okay. I don't know. I'm impressed that people have houses opulent enough to hide a pool. Like that's so, it's like, so, you know, finding out that one of your friends has been secreting a tennis court

this entire time. And you're like, that is, that is impressive. But no, you're absolutely right like sorry i i like look this is just an english australian accent thing but i don't believe we use secreting as a verb in that way so i took you as secreting it's quite hot outside and they're just sweating basically i was riffing that that is absolutely but now i'm going to use the word secreting all the time i've invented it with neologized i think it's good um but yeah obviously like james was saying the french have very extreme ways of dealing with

very rich people that they no longer want to tolerate and i think that a fine is very mild in this case yeah that's why they call it a fine in france because they're not chopping your head off it's fine it's fine exactly let them paddle yeah i mean just sort of as a general meditation how do we feel about artificial intelligence being used for uh tax purposes i mean i feel i should get a deduction for anything i use it for then because that's totally research so one of those things of like i've made an ai robot watch 1000 episodes of frasier and it just he just knew that their dinner parties were never going to go well What's the point?

Why are we giving the tax office robots in general? Like, we don't like them Taxes are good, but no one likes paying for them But don't send a robot to do that job Firstly, because it rules out the lovely plot of Stranger Than Fiction That could never happen if an ai just scanned the bakery and found out that she was the perfect woman for will ferrell or however the f**k that film so lovely to hear a stranger than fiction reference you very rarely get them it's well yeah delight to see it holds up it's a great it really does this is a much nicer

uh ai tax story than australia's recent run-in with robo debt uh which was a thing where they sort of just decided that everyone owed centerlink money and then yeah that was great that was horrendous yeah what we what we did was take our cruelest government department and say see those like tiny bits of humanity left in this let's just squeeze those out of it like blood from a stone and then weirdly it ended in a massive disaster so that's strange but luckily the minister in charge of it got moved to a different massive disaster he could do at the start of a pandemic so you know that's we we fail upwards here i personally i think this story is absolutely

someone from the tax office was caught flying a drone watching someone in a bathing suit and had to make up an excuse very quickly that's what happened you wouldn't believe how many women in bikinis I mean sorry we hire one little skunk at the French tax office

and he turns out to be a massive perv. Now it's time for your ads, because you can't be what you can't buy. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by sheep. Sheep, the most grounding friend. Sheep, if porridge were an animal. Sheep, the pacifist dog. Sheep, the heaviest cloud.

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recently uh i can't say i have the birds here are large and aggressive and awful as you well know but you have reminded me of my favorite ever prompt from so we have ABC radio you would have BBC but like the very reputation of being very dry even at the best of times for example I did an interview on there today where my lead-in was a discussion of bog water and what it should be used for and this one was where have you seen a bird where you didn't expect a bird which was lighting up the switchboard I have to say. To be fair

that does sound like a really interesting conversation I don't know why that's not the whole premise of this podcast where have you seen a bird that you didn't expect a bird. Bird stories That's great. That's the wobble. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year Ienhancing broom.

It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. And now it's time for our deep fake scam news, more tech news. A Binance executive, and that's a word that exists now, a Binance executive has said that it's not like finance, but it goes both ways.

It's a company. A Binance executive has said that scammers have made a fake hologram of him to fool victims tom neenan i've never met you in real life can you unpack this story you've caught me i am i am an ai created from the 42 million white men in comedy uh to to uh trick people into thinking that they are being given comedy when actually it's just a load of tricks that people have which is basically being a white man in comedy but yes uh you are correct this is um a binance executive as you say binance a word that makes me cry nance i don't know um and it's genuinely depressing that that exists but yeah so it's a guy called uh patrick hillman uh who

apparently people have been having meetings with him via zoom uh and decided that patrick hillman is the hillman i want a diamond on and is that joke the hillman you for some reason yes um and they have gone this man who i've met who uh seems very nice even though he doesn't exist seems good i will invest my money in him and or i've been promised uh i'm not quite once again i think one thing established on this podcast is i have no idea how crypto money works i have no idea how bitcoin works but basically that there is a situation in which he is sort of a confidence trickster who's getting people to invest their money um there's a lovely quote where he says other than the 15 pounds that i gained during covid being noticeably absent this deep fake is refined enough to fool

several highly intelligent crypto community members a lovely bit of a self-effacing humor there from uh finance executive patrick hillman um but yeah so basically they're using this to to organize meetings with people uh who don't exist and like you say it makes me very suspicious about this had i not just seen uh in in the interim there a dog and a baby i would be very suspicious indeed but yeah what will we live in i love this like firstly great new excuse for everything just dropped like honey it's not what it looks like it's a hologram i'm a hologram he's a hologram what you've looked walked in on is more of a data transfer than anything elicit look like i'm shocked that bitcoin investors are easily tricked rubes

for me there's one clear mantra in the bitcoin world which is if you had enough early enough to get rich off it it is suspicious that you had it in the first place and like the only people now who seem to be getting rich off bitcoin are the hackers and thieves. And not only is that more lucrative, it's cooler. You can talk about that at a party and people will want to listen to it. So my advice is forget all of this. Become a thief. Good. I mean, the cost of living crisis that we have in the UK, that is just good advice all around, I think.

Yeah, let's get the lamest lame is possible going yeah i'm starting to think now should i have invested all my money and given it all to tupac after my meeting with him last week but uh i'm solid that's gonna pay off i feel like the problem with cryptocurrency is the problem that was always with cryptocurrency which is a lovely idea to to recreate the whole money system with none of the regulations or black tape or government ownership that has held money back for so long. And then you find out why all of those things spent thousands of years being invented.

Yes, exactly. Apparently, cryptocurrency-based crime hit an all-time high last year with illicit addresses receiving 14 billion dollars a 79 percent increase on 2020 and i'm wondering what about the second year of the pandemic was just so delicious for cryptocurrency criminals was it just more fun it must be annoying like if look if you were stealing a diamond back in the day that diamond is still that diamond and that diamond stays a diamond you don't get the diamond home and then find out the diamond market has crashed and you no longer have a diamond worth having like this just feels like a

risky operation i mean diamonds are a terrible example for that of all things it's been a long time since i've stolen a diamond i presume they were forever they're a girl's first friend i know that at least or does that also go down do they go into like they go out of the girls like you know friendship group at some point dogs constant well diamonds are a girl's best friend uh dogs are a man's best friend so everyone's best friend is that thing where your dog dies and then you make its ashes into a diamond oh yeah that thing yeah that's a thing and i've got an online cryptocurrency business where i can turn your dog into a diamond even if it's not dead yet look i'll tell you if my cavoodle barks one more time during this episode he's going to be a very

fashionable ring by the start of tomorrow darling I have good news and bad news she said yes and also cried now it's time for our reviews section each Each week, as you know, our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars. James Colley, what have you brought in for us? Well, I think the last time we were on together, what I was reviewing was not having a drink in somewhat like 100 days, a bit over that. So now what I would like to review is going back to alcohol, baby. Oh, it's very good. Oh, it's look, I know not every i get but oh so you know how the world has a bunch of problems well um this gets rid of them for a bit

then they come back so much worse but but that little peak oh so i'm gonna give that like three and a half stars perfect what's your tipple what's your tipple of choice that you're attaching to this uh new revelation i love a negroni and i love a negroni because after you had two you don't have the strength to go up for a third so it really helps you self-limit very smart i mean also the idea that it makes all your problems go away temporarily and then they come back worse than before three and a half stars is basically every review I read of a show in Edinburgh some of them were like makes the problem seem even more

real five stars but that's a different one Tom I saw someone's trauma in a hot box five stars very good not traumatic enough two and a half stars that's the fringe yes as i as i hinted at earlier um i am going to be reviewing linoleum caprio's girlfriends um so here we go uh first up we have giselle bunchen uh who's a strong contender started off dating in 1999 but sadly she did succumb to the inevitable process of growing older

and they broke up when she was 23. Four stars. Bar Rafale, I think you pronounce her name. Extra points for being called Bar, not a common name, that could have been sort of both legal and party implications. I like that. Yep. Also in a lot of jokes about three men of different races.

It's something that you can only be around over 21 and then shouldn't be around when you get a few years older. It all adds up. Oh, my God. This goes right the way to the top, or at least up to 25. So they started dating in 2005, but sadly there was another man in her life. That's right, Kronos himself.

And she succumbs to the inexorable force and they broke up in 2010. Four and a half stars. Blake Lively, they only dated for one and a half years, meaning her age did not change during that time, which must have been a bonus. So she gets five stars. Similarly, Erin Heatherton, who wouldn't have had a birthday. So Leo wouldn't have had to acknowledge that time is passing around her. And his last girlfriend was Camilla Moroni, as you say, who looked like she might escape the pool of entropy. But during that time together, she did that sadly aged five years. And at which point Leo DiCaprio did the decent thing and set her free four stars. I understand

he's now dating a black hole, which itself sort of changes the path of time. So maybe they'll be happy together. So three collapsing stars for that. I think that Leo... So I think my new theory is that Leo is one of a two lion pair. There is Leo on one side and there is Aslan on the other. And Aslan grows with you as you age. And Leo absolutely does not.

It's so true. It's like Toy Story 3, isn't it? He just leaves them all out on the curb and is like, you're for someone else now, goodbye. I mean, maybe Leonardo is the White Witch, you know. Always, always spring, never winter. All right, now it's time for our feather boa news this is the news of feather boas being used for a deep fake scam at james collick can you unpack this story yeah so feather boas are being used in australia to entice feral cats and things onto our camera traps so it turns

out that native animals and feral cats have the same sexual proclivities of a sad man at a vaudeville show around the turn of a century they just cannot resist a feather boa enticingly draped so this this is kind of like our french pool This is one of those discoveries that is equal parts remarkable and proof that scientists were absolutely screwing about the whole time before stumbling upon this. Like, you publish two days later, and this is about how feral cats actually like fruit bowl-based headwear and hip-heavy dance moves.

I can't help but think cat food would have worked. They're cats. they probably like cat food But there was one quote from this story about the camera traps being used that I love Which was from a PhD student, University of Tasmania And it says, camera traps are the bomb diggity And it's very rare that you hear bomb diggity in any scientific discovery I would have liked to hear it once at the detonation of the first atomic bomb diggity in any scientific discovery. I would have liked to hear it once at the detonation of the first atomic bomb diggity to hear Oppenheimer say

in his grim way, I have become death destroyer of the world. Unfortunately, this is the bomb diggity. Well, I mean, I think the research of the PhD student who discovered this is sort of an odd one because they've compared uh 64 camera traps with four different lures one food a cage of meat uh two smell tuna oil uh three visual the feather boa and four null just a post and nothing else to see which would lure the people into into um when i say the people I mean feral cats and wild animals, lure the speciesies around to the post. But it feels like that's a fairly random assortment of things. It could just be, you know, feather boas, a g-string, tit-ays,

and like some nice metal polish. Like how many iterations are we through? It feels like cats just have the same instinct that we do which is when you see a bit of mead or something with a strange smell or whatever fine leave it be but if you see a feather boa in the forest you say okay now what the f**k is that what are you doing coincidentally as well a meat cage is uh is what i call my corporeal form uh so i'm just a soul trapped in a meat cage and uh one day i'll be free um did you hear the uh the phd student actually um got uh she's been given the mark for a phd uh her supervisor apparently said um i like the way you

worked it bomb diggity i'd like to bag it up um I just had to get that out I had to void it We can move on now, don't worry I just think this is terrible that they call it a camera trap Rather than what we call it, which is Instagram This is so close to my heart Because my hometown, as Alice has endured before Has a very big thing about

A feral cat The Penrith Panther is our local cryptid. We are very, very fond of the panther whose origin story is apparently a panther escaped from a circus 80 years ago and is still out there, fine, alone, unaging. And every so often,

you get a photo from the distance of a cat on a post that if you don't know anything about how scale works, just might be the panther. Fine, alone, unaging, Leonardo DiCaprio's perfect girlfriend is the Penrith panther. Most shocky of all, apparently a lot of feral cats secretly have pools as well that no one knew about, so that is...

I've got to say, the Leonardo DiCaprio news is just so delightful because it's it's creepy enough to make fun of without being deeply upsetting you know a hollywood sort of uh you know sort of relationship breakdown that doesn't leave you with a horrible taste in your mouth is a real treat isn't it it's a real thing to say though and it's also like the kind of obscene movie star crap that has gone out of favor like this is marlon brando coming back a whole pant size bigger than he left for lunch And it's also like the kind of obscene movie star crap that has gone out of favor. Like this is Marlon Brando coming back a whole pant size bigger than he left for lunch. Like this is the kind of thing that you should be doing if you're this kind of weird ultra star. Now it's time for our VMA fashion section.

The VMA awards are always the funnest fashion on the red carpet because it's sort of the dress code seems to be, eh? Tom Neenan, what's your favourite look for the VMA red carpet this year? And what's the story behind it? Right, yeah. So I'm fascinated by the VMAs, as you say. I think there's some beautiful stuff going on there. I've chosen the very funny lady, Chloe Fineman, from Saturday Night Live.

She, I very much liked her piece, which is apparently from Instacart. I don't know how to pronounce anything to do with fashion, so I'm going to say Instacart. And what she's chosen to go with is like a half spacesuit,

half sleeping bag, which sort of looks like she's trying to sort of fight climate change by not intonating her home, but intonating herself, which I think is really progressive. It's described as a chrome puffer,

which I think lives somewhere in the North Sea. And also a chrome puffer, I think, sounds like someone who can't speak English describing a spoon. And yeah, it's reflective, which I think is paying homage to the artemis mission which was sadly cancelled um but yeah environmentally conscious uh i i'm very sexy i i i love it i did like i also flagged this look i think this is a great one it looks a bit like the mattress you keep around for your guests that inflates but doesn't really inflate yeah you're lying on hard floor by

the morning aren't you i found lizzo's Lizzo's outfit this year a little bit traumatic because I've been in Edinburgh where they've currently got a bin strike and she looks like she's sort of rising sexily like a Venus but out of a pile of possibly garbage bag which is probably I'm getting sort of psychological flashbacks to the smell of a big pile of 11-day-old garbage. Oh, my goodness. Despite the fact that Lizzo looks amazing, it's just too close to the feral scuttling noises I heard coming out of a pile of rubbish the other day.

I had a few here that I loved, and I have to preface this by saying I am at this moment wearing socks and sandals, so my judgment is final on all of these beautiful rich people Colton Hayes was the dastardly riddler, Jack Harlow dressed in a body bag but my favourites so far were the

swashbuckling theme that seemed to happen so Conan Gray who is a singer I've definitely heard of had a bit of a ghost of the helmsman who died on this very ship on this very night 20 years ago about him. Very like withery, puffy, nothing's gone well there. And he happened to be there around the same time

as Taylor Swift, who came dressed as someone midway through swinging on a chandelier. And I thought together, they really brought back a piratey vibe that I had been missing. I very much enjoyed Lil Nas' look, which sort of looked like a bird was exploding behind him. Lil Nas is the only person that these awards are worthwhile for, like both performance, fashion statement,

and also for me personally to get away from the idea that I am old and out of touch because he's someone whom I know, I have heard of. And I can say that's who that person is when they're on the red carpet. And that makes me feel like I could still date Leonardo DiCaprio. I believe in you. That's all the time we have for this week's episode of the podcast i'm flipping through the ads at the back uh tom nina have you got anything to plug um i do uh my uh radio four show the haunting uh is being the series three is being repeated i can say this on the seventh of what month is it september starts on the 7th of september 11 o'clock on radio four so check that

out with a brand new series hot on its heels in October. I think it begins October 4th. Yes, I'm pretty sure October 4th. So check those out if you live in the UK or have access to any kind of BBC outlet. James. For those of you inside Australia, a show called Question Everything is coming back.

I believe it's around the end of the month. So check that out if you are in the geo-blocked region of Australia where we put on this show. If you're not, check out our flights to Australia. It is well worth your time. Other than that, yeah, it's my birthday in a week. Just send me something. Oh, I will be back in the geo-blocked region of Australia

if you could mention that to the bookers. I'm filming my show Kronos on the 11th of September in London. Find me online at patreon.com slash alisfraser at one-stop shop for all of my snap specials, podcasts and blogs. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'm Alice Fraser.

I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.