The Gargle - AI punk | Emmys | Cycling wangs

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

Alison Spittle and John Robertson join host Alice Fraser for episode 20 of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🎸 AI punk band releasing NFTs💰 Stolen crypto seized🐟 Massive goldfish🐶 Pet influencers🏆 Emmys surprises and snubs🚀 Space billionaires🚴🏻‍♂️ Tour de France wang graffitiThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from the Bugle. He which hath no stomach to this fight, let him depart. His passport shall be made and crowns for convoy put into his purse. We would not die in that man's company that fears his fellowship to die with us. This day is called The Gargle. The sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle Audio Newspaper for Visual World. Welcome to this week's show.

Your guest editors in the edition are John Robertson. Hello. Thank you. And Alison Spittel. Huzzah! Ah, that's me. Sorry, I shouldn't have talked while John Robertson was talking, but I wanted him to get a pass. That's okay.

Oh, here we go. There. Yay. Good for us. I'm pretty proud of us. We'll get into this week's edition, but first let's have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week is Lil Nas X making out with a sexy,

blonde, blue-eyed Jesus with a six-pack. The headline reads, what a weird coincidence. He's outraged the conservative Midwest of America again. Other headlines include Euro Championship madness, England lost final to Italy in a penalty shootout leading idiots to attack black people in the street, which is a completely absurd way to wreak vengeance on the black players who missed the goals though basically the same impulse as dudes who treat women badly because they think they hate women when actually they just feel sad that their wife left them like it's such a bad way to get revenge because you can immediately tell that you're not punching a football player because the moment you even look like you're about to punch a football player they fall over dramatically and demand a penalty. Wait.

I did go to sleep that night. As soon as the penalty was saved, I was like, there's an Italian deli on my road. And I was like, I worry for that deli. Like, I hope it's there. Out of selfish reasons, it does very good focaccia. Like, that's the most middle class problem to have. Where am I going to get my focaccia from? Well, I mean, if they had burnt the place to the ground,

at least the focaccia would have been toasted in the morning. Oh, it would have smelled amazing. I would have thought I was having a stroke, but, you know. Well, yeah, you would have wept. There would have been a bit of grief you would have lent over. Delicious, though. Yes. The satirical cartoon this week is Sir Richard Branson

at a party trying to lure people into a virgin galactic cupboard to play Four Minutes in Heaven. And now into the magazine. Our section number one this week is a fake money section. It's a recurring section in our magazine. A girl group is releasing NFTs, but they're a unique girl group. John Robertson, have you been following this story? After I got the brief for this episode, I suddenly dipped my head into this idea.

I would hate to think I was going to take this seriously. Imagine if someone had created gorillas, but it's 25 years later and now it's extremely tedious. That's what we have here. A group of people have put together a digital punk band which will be creating songs through AI, which learns about how to deal with people by dealing with its fans, who it's been advertised can pick boyfriends for members of the group, just in case you thought this was in any way a unique idea

and not a sad reflection of the idol industry in Japan for the last 30 years. Yeah. It's so weird because I remember loving the gorillas when I was younger but not worrying for their personal safety from the people that created them. Like it just feels very odd, doesn't it? It really does. And look, even though the money goes to an anti-bullying charity,

that's very nice, okay? But there's something intensely cynical about going, well, I'm sick of the music industry, so I'm just going to produce musicians that we've actually generated and can control and then we're going to say that they're a punk band because that's in there yes fight the power but don't unplug us yeah but yeah their exact line is they play punky rock to get around the algorithm sort of pop that's popular on spotify i'm like you've literally made what are you talking about

oh my god yeah and like uh i listened to a few minutes of the interview with the creators they're kind of basically saying that this band is great because they don't take toilet breaks or they don't have breakdowns and stuff like that and it's just it's just what happens if like uh some malware gets in you know what i mean is that the equivalent of the 27 club or something like that like what's gonna 20 years from now they're gonna be suing their owners for the breakdown of the conservatorship that owns them yes yes look to me if you go i really like them because we can work them forever it's like all right we'll just go and get a directorship at amazon if that's how you're going to be that's the truth that's the truth well i i think it's

sort of uh it's nice that they're giving money to an anti-bullying charity because of course the people who are going to get bullied are the people who are desperately in love with a made-up punk propaganda machine. Everything we're talking about could be summarised with the phrase this reeks of body pillow. Body pillows generally reek as well, don't they? Yes, they do.

I've cuddled up with my waifu. On the other hand, this is the only way they've discovered to make sure that celebrities don't abuse their power of the fans. Yeah, that is one thing. That is the one thing. But what if, given that their behaviour is meant to be, you know, it's meant to be deep learning, what if it eventually just comes out that they do?

That's true. Inviting teenage girls backstage to look at the motherboard. Ooh. Rub the screen. Rub the screen. No, only the roadies screen. Yes. The next story in our fake money section of course is that police have seized

some cryptocurrency in a raid uh allison spittle you know all about imaginary money have you been following this yeah so the met police have seized the record 180 million of cryptocurrency in london uh their 39 year old woman has been arrested on suspicion of money laundering on the 24th of june and has been interviewed over the new seizure right um the and she's since been bailed as well which i find very interesting because i want to know how did she pay for her bail like was it cryptocurrency um the mex economic crime command made the seizure after following up intelligence uh received about the transfer of criminal assets and the investigation is continuing now they did not say by the way what cryptocurrencies they seized and i looked up a cryptocurrency because it's been something it's

quite like prosecco right as in like i hear wankers talk about it and i want to keep as far away as possible from it so i've never explored Prosecco and I've never explored cryptocurrency. But I've been looking up different types of cryptocurrency. Generally, there's been like Trump coin, Putin coin, which must be the same coin, to be honest with you. They got a coin called Coinier West as well. Garlic coin is my favorite though. And that buys you garlic bread like people have made

specific cryptocurrency to buy garlic bread and i was thinking like we can make up our own cryptocurrency like as a as a as a podcast i mean we certainly can sell ourselves as an nft yeah i would like uh some crypto credit uh for not making a joke about coinier West going up and down a lot with the market. Woke points for resisting that joke. Well done. Can we also give you points for still making the joke while saying you weren't doing it? That's very good. It's called meta-commentary.

It sure is. And so is me pointing it out. I just think the idea of cryptocurrency that can be seized at all defeats one of the main purposes of cryptocurrency, which is to make the people who buy it feel like cool off-grid rebels who might one day do something so interesting and disruptive that they might need a secret, untouchable stash of funds. That lovely dream shared by so many people that it sort of makes you less James Bond rebel outlier and more a cut cookie from the factory-sized cookie production line for podcast bro-normativity.

Microdosing psychedelics and trying intermittent fasting is all well and good, but your critical reasoning for choosing that path is not much better and no more indicative of specialness than my teenage girlfriends deciding which boy band member was really speaking to them i'm talking to someone who's currently wearing vibrant barefoot shoes so i know whereof i speak i just felt like that that was a boil that was being lanced there and i was like let alice say her piece. Like, this felt like the end of an 80s film where I should do a slow clap now and go. We have just watched an empire where only tangentially where existed burned to the ground.

Finally. John Robertson, how do you feel about this cryptocurrency seizure? Well, if anything, I feel moderately reassured because in order to go and seize the cryptocurrencies, that would essentially just mean that the police had shown up to grab some hard drives. And so part of me goes, well, nice that it's just fake money

and not actually, yeah, you know, child pornography. So nice to know we finally found a way of having an almost innocent internet crime. I feel so very weird for it cheering for child pornography, though. Like I was like, yes. And then I was like, oh, wait, it's child pornography. But Alison, it's not like you just went, oh, like back in the good old days. God, things were simpler then.

It's all right. I'm just saying, okay, how nice that this is just a bit of wholesome money laundry yes yeah definitely definitely it's a joy yeah by comparison in the rankings of crimes that's how i feel when my bike gets robbed and i'm like well at least it wasn't child pornography i'm always doing that. It doesn't matter. It's your new range of merch, Alison. Alison Spittel, at least it's not child pornography. We'll make that a coin as well.

At least it's not child pornography coin. Oh, my God. Hang on. In that case, we've become as altruistic as the AI band people. There we are. Yes. Just donate that money to charity. You're just making a sick joke, but the money's going to charity.

Well done. That makes you good. Now it's time for your ad section. Ad section now because selfhood is a fragile construct and it's definitely buttressed by a hat that tells people at first glance what demographic class you fall into. Are you a terrible person? Are you just wandering through the world,

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Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts.

Everywhere. Acast.com. Now it's time for our second section in this magazine, our pet section. And this is our goldfish story. They say size doesn't matter, but when they said that, they weren't talking about fish or sucking chest wounds. They were talking about penises. When it comes to fish, some over-large fish are causing trouble. John Robertson, have you been following this fish story?

I certainly have, and it's just, look, there's an old saying that I saw once referred to as an old saying and I've never heard anyone actually say, but you put a flea in a container with a lid, the flea will half a man and just as as with anything becomes an invasive species and destroys the natural population much bigger and way more forgetful weirdly yeah yes well what what what i what i find kind of beautiful is that if you go if you want to go with the idea that your goldfish has a two-minute memory that goldfish that's in the river living this life of extreme consequence, now the largest thing there, has no memory of when little Timmy little poured the pellets in the bowl, no memory of its previous life.

It has always been a massive warrior and in that way is like every pissed man I've met in a pub who's seen UFC and thinks he isn't. I think it's a great mascot for body positivity. The bigger you get, the more you feel I've always been this way. Exactly, exactly. And now you can go to the bottom of the river and eat all of the plants that the other fish would.

Perfect. Actually, my favourite thing about the article, though, is that right down the bottom of it there is an apology. Yes! Yep, Alison, do you want to take it? No, you take it, please. Please read it. No, no, no, please, please, please.

Get amongst it. It's so lovely. No, I want to laugh at this. No, you go. I just remember I noticed that too, but I feel. All right. It's just them saying, look, you know, they're just walking back some retraction.

The river was in a different place and, you know, this has actually happened earlier. And then they've just said, also, we have changed it. The original headline did include a reference to the fish being monstrous. Yes. And it was lovely. Just gorgeous.

I just love the idea that the Goldfish Anti-Defamation League has had a quiet word with them. Someone has. Someone messaged them. Like, definitely. I maintain it was the goldfish did you see it it was massive it was deeply frightening well the good thing about that goldfish though is after two minutes they won't remember that they were referred to as monstrous and they can be fine

that that stuff sticks with you yeah yes this has all come from an awareness raising announcement about not releasing your goldfish into lakes and bodies of water uh which brings up a very odd kind of character to me the person who has bought a goldfish and not accidentally killed it but sort of acquired a conscience that means that they need to release it into the wild and yeah i don't like they tried to create their own free willy kind of thing yes being under a goldfish you know what it is it's somebody trying to make a wholesome tiktok video with their kid go over there stand on the rocks hold the camera i'm gonna throw this fish over you oh oh you're meant to catch it you fool it really is like the picture of the fish. If listeners could look at it at home,

I would describe it as a chode size fish. Like it is just massive. It is just so big. And I've been thinking about like my, did you have any goldfish when you were younger? That was my first pet. And my first fish was called Brett. And I named him after my dad's friend who he worked with.

And I thought he was my best friend. So I named my fishes after people I liked. So I had one fish called Brett and one called Mummy and I named it after my mum. And she told me one day that she was cleaning out the fishbowl and the fish jumped into the toilet and she flushed it by accident. And like, because she didn't have the heart to tell me that the fish died and then she disposed of it in the toilet but i did go around for about like 22 years thinking my mom was very stupid that she flushed a live fish down a toilet i was like

how did this happen but uh yeah that's the way i feel about fish it's better than my grandmother who told my father that the greeks at the milk bar had eaten his rabbit. No way. What? In vengeance for, so she came over sort of sneakily and illegally on a boat and she wasn't allowed to have her dog with her, but she would walk it at night. And there was a Greek lady who also walked her dog at night. And then the Greek lady's dog got caught and thrown overboard. And the Greek lady dobbed Granny in. So forever after she had this vengeance streak, which meant that my dad would just give the dirty eye

to the Greek chocolate milk bar down the road for like 20 years until she was like, wait a minute, my mum talked a lot of nonsense. I wonder if this was some of that. And it was. There's two dog deaths in that story, but yet the hatred of the greek is the saddest thing in the world you know there's quite a lot of hurt two dog deaths and one persistent hate crime this is amazing is that a new richard curtis film yeah yes it is they brought they

brought simon callow back into play the voice of the dog. Two dog deaths and a hate crime. It's been updated. Oh, dear. Oh, oh. Oh, the Greeks. Oh, yes. I could see it.

Quickly license the sad covers of Beatles music. It's coming. And in other pet news, pet influencers are surging in popularity thanks to a rise in animal adoptions during the pandemic. And I've always said a dog is for life, not just for the pandemic. But who knew that the future would contain an overfed pug teaching me how to do a cut crease while selling me weight loss tea?

John Robertson, you're an influencer. How do you feel competing with the birds and beasts? Nothing more shameful than I've done in 19 years of stand-up comedy. This is fine. When you realise that you can't win a fight because the football's on the television next to the stage, it's okay. I don't mind being outperformed by an animal. To be fair, what I really enjoy about this story is just that it's

been written as though this is all contemporary information and it hasn't been researched particularly well because it says this this brand has started working with grumpy cat on a range of shoes forgetting that grumpy cat has been dead for two years which prompted me prompted me to have to question my own values as i realized that i had paid attention to the life and death of a celebrity animal not for the first time followed then by realizing oh no they've started a licensing deal with the family who owned the animal that is dead that would have had no conception that it was famous or what fame was or what shoes are. Beautiful.

With animals becoming influencers, what I would love to see is the use of the notes app for an apology and what an animal would apologize for, you know? So, yeah, a big long apology going i didn't know the stuffing in the couch wasn't food and as i ate and ate the couch and the vet bills cost a lot but i've learned a lot you know that kind of thing we all make mistakes but we all need space to learn and grow and i hope that you're with me i i just I just want you to know there's a lot of rumours on the timeline that I ate Alice's dad's rabbit and that is very hurtful. The Greek people are amazing people.

It's not even based on like a damaging stereotype of Greek people. It's not, you know, like Greeks love a love a wild pet rabbit you know she just made up a new thing but that's how they all start though there's like one person gets affronted and then pretends that's the whole you know representation of whatever country it is well we're australian we know a thing or two about that happening yes as with all influencer culture though it's a lot more difficult than it looks at first glance and many fewer people are very successful at it than you would think uh because there's no reason that is apparent for

any of them becoming successful a lot of people think that they can become an influencer quite easily imagine being like a third tier pet influencer manager my my sister is one alice genuinely she has a dog called rio and if anyone wants to follow it i think it's called rio the pug on instagram she's been trying for years to get that instagram off the ground she keeps like adding pet food pet food shops to go oh rio really enjoyed her lovely cereal mix today and it's like rio didn't give a shit, mate. By the way, Rio's farts smell disgusting. So I think she needs to change, you know, the dog food thing.

But it's very, because I think that dog is very cute. And I'm like, what does Grumpy Cat have that Rio doesn't? Like, that's what I want to know. A genetic abnormality. Yeah, a legit deformity that people were able to put a personality on. Isn't that stand-up comedy? Is that not stand-up comedy? Yeah, the difference is the cat was able to monetize it.

I feel so attacked. Well, I don't want you to feel attacked because I've just looked at Rio the Pug's Instagram and oi, oi. I think every podcast is'm gonna go on I'm not gonna promote my podcast I'm just gonna promote Rio the Pug's Instagram that's all the time we have for our pet section because now it's time for your reviews as always our guest editors have brought in something to review each week. Alison Spittel, what have you brought us in? So the last time I've been on the Gargoyle, I don't think I'll ever beat the review I did, which was the sensation of batteries in your mouth, generally.

So I thought I'd go more in this world. And yeah, I've got a plan for the next time. Next time I'm on the show, I am going to go to a naturist spa on my road it's not open yet we have to wait until freedom day but i am going to go and review it because i've read some of the google reviews for that naturist spa and it's hilarious one has got one this is the kind of commitment to work that keeps you coming back again and again. Tax deductible, baby. But this place, this spa, has a one-star review. And with the saddest ever review line I've ever read, which was, they would not let me in, which I was just like, that is a great review.

But the thing I'm reviewing today is a book called A Matter of Facts by Sean Williamson, who plays Barry out of EastEnders. It's a journey. It came out last year. I listened to it on audiobook. And it's about his journey into quizzing. So if you haven't heard of Sean Williamson or the concept of Barry from EastEnders, Barry from EastEnders, he from EastEnders was a, he was a,

he was an unlucky and loved car salesman who was the comedic foil of a soap for about six years, right? And then he got really into quizzing, like, and he's just, he also sang Something Inside So Strong at the National Bowls competition. And what I love about- Wait, wait, wait, the character or the actor? The actor, but like, wait, wait. The character or the actor? The actor, but really it's the character. He's never been referred to anything other than Barry from EastEnders. Okay. But he is an amazing quizzer

and I'm quite inspired by him because he's one of these people... And this is not a personal attack or anything like this, and I say this with absolute love. He's not particularly good at the stuff he does, but he just does it with a passion, with a lack of self-awareness and awareness at the same time.

And he's an inspiration to me. And I listen to him at night instead of Malcolm Gladwell because I'm trying to like inspire myself uh to do better and to be more like Sean Williamson from EastEnders or Barry from EastEnders yeah and also it's very padded out like he got this book and there's quite a lot of trivia in it you know and I feel like he was hitting the deadline and it really helps me sleep I love it I love it because I'm like I feel like he was hitting the deadline and it really helps me sleep. I love it. I love it because I'm like, he got a book deal.

Anyone could get a book deal. But it's a good book. It is a good book. How many stars out of five? Three? Three stars? Three stars but five for personality and trying. And anything he does, I love. It's that kind of thing. Yeah, five for like personality and trying. And Anna Fitty does I love, you know.

It's that kind of thing. Yeah, five for him, but three in real life. Excellent. John Robertson, what have you brought us into review? Well, I hesitate to show it to you in any way. So I'll gladly describe it. It caught my eye in the shower earlier, and it was not entirely wonderful or salubrious, but here we go. So I have really bad toe fungus just down to my right.

And yesterday I became aware that at some point, apparently the actual nail trimmers had exploded in some bizarre circumstance some time ago. So I had to sort of break it open um just with any sort of sharp object that's not going to go anywhere near my mouth so having done that and then and then eventually repurposed some scissors to trim it back I looked down today and I thought what a well-groomed fungal nail and in that moment I became aware that this has become a terrible metaphor for most of my life. As I look down and go, ah, how neat, how toxic. So for presentation, I'm going to give that a five and for actual content, a one.

Look, you're making the best out of a bad situation. This is literally putting glitter on a turd. A bad situation that I caused and could solve. Yes. That's all the time we have for our review section because now it's time for entertainment news. Our Emmy section, Surprises and Snubs, opening up with Emmy victories.

MJ Rodriguez, the first transgender woman, taking a nomination for Outstanding Lead Actress in the series Pose. Amazon Prime's drama The Boys, nominated for Best Drama. Of course, some classic snubs, the Japanese epic The Tale of Genji, groundbreaking in its field, snubbed again for the thousandth year in a row. And outrage as F9 from the Fast and the Furious saga fails to win most ludicrous in a car scene despite there being literally a scene with celebrity, is it rapper, ludicrous in a car.

Judges said that in their defence he wasn't being himself to the max and that they want to leave more room for the franchise to grow. Any notable snubs and victories from your end, John Robertson? Well, I've managed to accidentally snub apparently the entire television industry over the course of the last year having managed to watch none of the nominees uh despite whether they've been nominated for 24 or 20 or how many emmys i feel as though i've seen people post on social media that they enjoyed shows

and i've seen shows in gift form and now I feel like I've watched them. So that's been my experience of it. I've snubbed the entire Emmys and why not? They've snubbed me just because once again for the 20th year I haven't worked in television. Alison Spittel, snubs and victories. Well, Bridgerton got quite a lot of nominations, but they missed out on, I think, a number one nomination,

which is the most awkward time spent with your stepfather watching a TV show. My stepfather is legally blind, and he doesn't believe in the audio description model. He'll just ask you if he doesn't kind of understand what's going on and i remember spending one christmas uh telling my stepfather that that woman is interfering with herself but it'll be over soon and uh that really made my christmas uh so so for

that for that they should get nominated but they've also been nominated for other types of awards but yeah that's the number one award for me i will argue infinitely for the validity of bridgerton as as a making of a genre that has been historically ignored by the literary industry despite being one of the most popular genres in history with a huge number of readership it's not allowed on bestseller lists because they don't want to taint themselves with the fact that romances and sci-fi and fantasy outsell, quote unquote, real books by such a large margin. And anyone who claims to be into feminist literature but does not include romance novels,

the only genre that is written by women for women is really missing a trick in my book. So I'll defend Bridgerton to the hilt. I did not know that. Like I didn't go on this podcast expecting to learn. You've just triggered a little rant of mine defending unwanted genres. I didn't come onto this podcast expecting to hear the phrase that woman is interfering herself, but don't worry, it'll be over soon.

It's a very Catholic Irish word for wank. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, I understood. I understood exactly the work that had gone into it. There was a lot of cultural work behind it. Yes. There's also a lot of cultural assumptions. I would have gone with facilitating herself rather than interfering.

Pleasuring herself, it's somehow being an enjoyable activity rather than we don't understand why that's happening. She can't control the hand. That's interfering with her daily life. She just wants to pray. That's all she's trying to do. But, oh, the devil. Any predictions for emmy uh nominations

for next year 2022 uh shows that do not exist or have not been released yet oh look i strongly suspect that um amazon primes we've bought all of lord of the rings and you best believe that's going to be the longest adaptation of anything you can imagine. That had better be rolling in Emmys or so help me God, they will just buy the Emmys would be my feeling. I think there should be a new reality-based, like a reality competition for people that are rappers and also COVID aware. that is uh the lateral

flow test and we'll be you know that's very nice those words were certainly interfered with weren't they and of course uh the game of of Thrones prequel will be out, which raises questions in the minds of many as to whether, once they've jettisoned George R.R. Martin from the Fantastic franchise, whether there'll be less sibling rape. I'm very thankful I don't watch that with my stepfather. Could you imagine? That dragon is interfering with himself, you know?

That's the thing about Game of Thrones. You never have to imagine. No. And that's our Emmys section for today. Now it's time for Space News. With space tourism opening up off worlds of possibility to the fashion-forward billionaire, it's only a matter of time before we're all aspirationally imagining

what we'd wear for our own space selfie to make those TikTok bitches jealous. This is a pull-out section, a space pull-out section with advice for the fashion-forward space tourist. Do either of you have any tips or tricks for those who would like to imagine themselves going to space but will never be able to afford it well the the way i the the way i i purposely ignored uh both those absolute wank stains and their and their space endeavors for the past few weeks i've actually do you know the way people

go on about how they don't like three of them? Yep. Is that? Who's the third? It's Branson, Musk, and Bezos. They're sugar babes of absolute wank states. Absolute, the evil sugar babes. There's three of them. I genuinely think they can't control what happens

when they die, and I can't wait, because I think we should write on their gravestones like their worst um their worst product possible so richard branson we should never mention anything uh about space travel it should be virgin coke which was an endeavor he pursued in the mid 2000s and we should just go uh you know coke baron uh richard branson has died today and just keep you know just just keep talking about that um yeah i really do i have any advice for them uh don't come back yeah genuinely because you know the new york is flooding there's fire in the sea and then we have rich Branson going. He didn't even reach outer space.

You know what I mean? It's inner. It's inner space. So, like, you know, I don't know what he's showing off about. That is like someone getting a handjob and pretending they had a threesome. He's like a 14-year-old boy. That's exactly what he is. Just saying, at a time in my life with Rebecca,

Rebecca gave you a handjob out of pity. And you've changed this into like a threesome. Because that's the type of person that that person is. You should have been happy with the handjob and kept it secret. But no, you had to show off. Sorry, that's space. I'm talking to Richard Branson. Any space tips for the fashion forward traveller, John Robertson?

Look, absolutely, especially since these three billionaires have just in one fell swoop ripped the absolute heart out of whatever altruistic purpose the space programs of various countries had and the dreams of Gene Roddenberry in one go. So they've destroyed space travel and Star Trek in the one. My fashion advice for you, if you are to go into space, if at any point you feel as though you aren't actually a main character

in the show and you're only going to be there for the one episode, you might want to put some blue tack on your forehead and just dress as everyone else that you know. Just the same outfit for everybody. Please understand you're only a day player and have a problem that can be solved very easily by somebody saying, well, let's turn the chronotons around forward, backwardly. And anyway, in about 45 minutes, they'll solve the planet. So there we are. That's my advice. Yes. And never be the true love interest of the main character.

It's a recipe for death. If it's the main character, you're going to have a horrible time. If it's the guy with the beard, maybe. Maybe it'll be all right. If it's Wesley Crusher, what are you doing? A couple of tips and tricks for space decor. You like a throw rug? What about a throw rug that stays thrown?

Take gravity out of the equation with your design concept and just fling a cashmere blanket at the ceiling. Scented candles are a terrible idea in space and long baths are a good way to literally murder everyone on board. So make sure your self-care options are in sealed packages. Try classical music or an expendable pet. Do you enjoy an instructional plaque saying things like, live, laugh, love? Jazz up the meaningless

pap space style with wall-mounted sayings like breathe check for leaks and don't forget to fully seal your buttocks on the vacuum toilet so no poo gets loose darren do you feel like a billionaire yet his space sex tips space flirting is like regular flirting but you don't have to lie about being an astronaut you You're both astronauts. Though if you're on Richard Branson's space skimming flight, you'll have to move quickly. Make sure zero G sex isn't literally you ignoring the G spot. It's right there. And if you can't find it, you need to work on your mutual communication skills.

Space fashion. You might think you're limited to boring old space suits, and indeed you are. But space fashion is all about the accessories. Try a chunky necklace or diamond-encrusted oxygen tank to really express yourself into the searing vacuum remember in space no one can hear you scream but they can definitely see you work it queen so now you're set to fling yourself into the endless void you can answer the age-old question is firing our billionaires into space a punishment or a reward for successfully winning the game of money only to realize you're still not happy and conclude that the answer to your emotional emptiness is to hurl yourself from the face of the earth in an attempt to capture the

inspirational propaganda slash nostalgic futurism of the cold war rather than, for example, spending more time with your kids. Now it's time for our Tour de France Wang section. This is our Wang police section. John Robertson, you're Australian and therefore from a nation of narcs. What's happening here? Well, it turns out that the most interesting part about the Tour de France isn't the spirited athletes on their magical bicycles, clumping themselves together, getting mostly taken out by a happy person holding a street sign to impress their grandparents.

Well, it wasn't a street sign, but just a cardboard sign. It turns out that there is a group of people, let's just call them quick Stalinists, I'll call them, quick Stalinists out the front. Sort of light speed censors who go ahead of the race to make certain people haven't drawn dicks on the road so that people are defended on the television coverage. I'm obsessed with it.

It's beautiful. That's incredible. It's actually the backstory of that Beatles song. why don't we just do it in the road because these french blokes will stop us they've covered us with tarmac yes but they're not just they're not just erasing the dicks they're turning them into other things in the same way as my brother's school friends would turn anything in any of their school books into a penis. They're doing the reverse engineering of that. They're turning the penises into a beautiful butterfly or an abstract piece of art or a man with a big nose

and two very boggly eyes. Yeah, that are noticeably underneath the nose. Yeah, I remember that illustration. Alison? It's amazing that like you know people are kind of bored with the Tour de France that they've just added drawing dicks into it which I think

could be improved with so much sport in general I would love to see horses do dressage where they're doing it in the formation of a penis you know wouldn't that be brilliant Well who doesn't love a giant horse cock? So, yes.

Well, you have to feel for these men because, of course, the sign that they've done their job well is that no one notices that they've done their job, of course, as with, you know, the sound guy or many other of these sort of invisible workers. But it seems to be like an incredibly high stress job. I didn't know there were so many people who were desperately trying to deface the Tour de France, except for obviously the athletes who try to deface it with drugs. To be honest, I'm so contemptuous of organised sport at the best of times because, you know, I mean, we've just had the Euro finals over here,

which, as we discussed, has been an excuse for great violence and just lunacy. So I can see it happening because it's people emotionally over-investing in something and then just go, right, well, we're here. We've spent the money. We're here. We're here. It's like, why wouldn't you draw a dick on it at that point?

You've got to find something interesting in this otherwise sad activity. Oh, the bike people went by. Oh, good. Will we see them again? Oh, no. What a wonderful world that would be, actually, if less people fought and more people drew dicks. Yeah.

Yes, it would. Well, this is the thing. It makes me wonder, the existence of these men erasing the penises makes me wonder, you know, so much of historical and archaeological uncovering is just uncovering dicks on walls in ancient Rome or ancient Greek monuments. How many dicks have been erased from history? How much have we lost?

Oh, definitely. Definitely there's been some graffiti where it's like, for a good time, send a carrier pigeon to 214. You know what I mean? That type of graffiti gets covered up. There's got to be more graffiti. We're just not paying attention to it. You're right.

What other types of graffiti would there be? There's a great bit of Roman anti-Christian graffiti, but it's from a school. Have you ever seen it? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's incredible. It's a really piss-poor drawing of a crucifix,

but there's a donkey being crucified on it. And it's another one of the students praying to it. And they're like, get a load of Smith praying to his donkey God. Oh. You know, that classic bit of banter of, oh, I tell you what. Wow, the donkey God. Yeah. Donkey God seems like a good God to pray to though.

Absolutely. It's durable. Yeah. So it's a testament to the Jesus glow up. Yeah. Over the years. Yeah, back in the day they they were like that bloke's teeth are minging we're calling him donkey god jesus took up crossfit and then they were like wow he's looking great like you know donkey abs and everything like that well i mean with you know with um you know evangelical christians love of celibacy they

may you know might as well have just gone with the mule god. They might have felt more comfortable around that. You've got to hand it to it. At least it can't breed. Okay, with that little bit of blasphemy that brings us to the end of the show, I can watch Alison Spittel's Catholic guilt rising in her. Yes, I know. After time, genuinely, I've said this before and i'll say it again

i don't know what is residual catholicism what is mental illness like in my head i can never tell the difference i can never it's very hard to check if god responds it's both so and that brings us to the end of the show, flipping through the ad section. John Robertson, have you got anything to plug? I certainly do. I stream 10 times a week on www.twitch.tv slash Robotron, R-O-B-B-O-T-R-O-N. Twitter, it's the same thing, Robotron.

Pop on by, please. And here's an ad for anti-capitalism merch if you'd like to show that you're against the establishment. Buy our range of T-shirts, ethically sourced, and $12 a pop. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug? Yeah, I'd like to promote a film that I'm in called Bicycle Thieves Pumped Up and it's premiering at the Galway Film Fla next week on the Thursday 22nd of July. And it's going to be shown online at 8pm on Thursday 22nd of July.

I'm going to do a cool video party to watch along to it. And also I've got a podcast called Weed of Misfortune with Alison Spittel and Fern Brady on BBC Sounds. Yay! Those are the two things. Thank you for listening and thank you to our roaming correspondents who sent in stories, including Mike T. Cope, who sent in the Tour de France Wang story. If you have a story you'd like to send in,

tell us it at HelloGogglers on Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, I'm at Alliterative on Twitter and Instagram. That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. Or sign up on my Patreon, patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. It's a one-stop shop for all of my podcasts, specials, and my weekly Tea with Alice salons. Various things are for free or not for free. The editor of this podcast is the inimitable Ped Hunter.

The executive producer is Chris Skinner. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. I'll talk to you next week. You can listen to other programs from the Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.