The Gargle - Animal anomalies | Interplanetary news | Horny news

Episode Date: March 16, 2021

Alice Fraser is joined by James Nokise and James Colley on the fourth episode of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🐌 Sea snails taking own heads off🐀 Rat Island recovery🦈 Glow-in-the-dark sharks🐳 Clubhouse whale moan room🌝 Moon shooting salty beams 📱 Facial scans for pornThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

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Acast.com. Call me Ishmael and you'd be wrong. Call me Ishmael and I'll f*** you up. ACAST.com is The Gargle. Forged in the heat of the bugle, where a refreshing earful of news without the sharp atonal notes of partisan political punditry, where the glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. All the satire, none of the politics. Welcome to The Gargle.

Your guests today put the James into James Colley and James Nokise. Hello, James, and hello, James. Wrong James, just kidding. Go ahead, Jimbo, I don't call either of you that. James Nokise. Hello, James, and hello, James. Wrong James, just kidding. Go ahead, Jimbo, I don't call either of you that. James Nokise, how's New Zealand? It's still open, unless you're outside, then it's shut. James Colley, how is Melbourne? It is also still open, but that could change at any moment.

I think I'll call you either by your last names or by your full names, as though we were in a private boys' school, which in England is known as a public boys' school. Our top section this week is animal anomalies, but before we get into that, let's have a look at the front cover of this week's magazine. This week's cover model is Oprah, caught in a moment of intent empathy with the camera lens,

and that moment is being sold as a non-fungible token with the headline, and you get a care, and you get a care, and you get a care. Or was that Ellen? I never watch daytime TV. Which one gave away the cars? I should have researched this joke. It was Oprah, and the car recipients had to pay a $7,000 gift tax on their free cars. Of course I do my f***ing research. Front cover subheadings include Tokyo Olympics long jumps the shark!

Inside Burger King sexist torment, and flashy tips for pimping your ride when you catch public transport. The satirical cartoon for this week is a picture that isn't of Piers Morgan, but he somehow, despite that, made it about himself. Now it's time for your top section. Section one, animal anomalies. In the world of horrifying animal anomalies, sea snails, a particular breed of sea snails,

can apparently, if they have a disease in their body, detach their own head and regrow their own body from the neck down. James Nokise, you're our horrifying things that look like penises correspondent. What's going on here? Well, I mean, in New Zealand, we just call it a hangover. But it's great to see that evolution has shown us that again, that there is nothing too horrific that cannot be practical. Who amongst us hasn't wanted to remove their own head and just start again, mainly after asking someone out on a date during a comedy festival, but as a random example. See, the question is whether if you lost your head, you would want to regrow from the head down or get rid of your head and all of the horrifying memories that it contains and regrow from the neck up, maintaining your hot young bod. James Colley, have you been following this sea snail news? Of course, all my sea snail Google alerts went off at once this week when this story came up. This is my ideal system.

I think every year I would love to get my beach body by removing my current body and regrowing one in a more appealing form. But the thing I loved about this study was they specified that the heads may be irreplaceable. And their reason for the heads being irreplaceable is that the heads have the brain and teeth. And I thought it was very nice to give teeth billing in that sentence because usually you never heard that at the guillotine, off with his head, which includes the teeth, by the way, which makes it very hard to eat. Yeah, we definitely want to destroy this person's brain

but also their teeth. Our next story in Animal Anomalies news is Rat Island's miraculous ecological recovery. In Alaska, there is an archipelago once known as Rat Island that apparently was being eaten by rats. It was known as Rat Island. It wasn't originally a rat island. The rats came in and sort of ruined it and stole the name and made it their own. But apparently they've removed the rats and nature is healing.

James Colley, you're our rat king. What's happening here? Well, it feels like it's about two thirds of the way through the story of Australia. We just haven't gotten to the whole removal part. It's the introduced species comes, he makes it their own. It's obviously just a terrible name for a travel agent to have to sell. And I think it is a good idea in general, if we're trying to boost the economy post-covid that they remove the rat island name even if they still have quite a number of rats there it's probably good to more be

surprised and say like how how was your trip to pleasure island oh well there was a surprising number of rats much better than rat island was surprisingly pleasurable that's i think this could be a wonderful tourist destination now because I saw a little documentary called Ratatouille. And if what happens in that picture is true, the cuisine here could be marvellous. Well, as far as I can tell, rats are on the other islands of the archipelago and they've only cleaned up one island. And the ecosystem has recovered, starting with with the birds ending with the kelp the kelp seems to be the ultimate victory the kelp returning seems to be the ultimate victory

against the rats uh james have you been following this story i think it's great to see nature applying the nightclub rules of once you get rid of the rats the birds will return taking that joke straight out of the 90s you are welcome to it it is kind of weird that they've gone it merely 11 years later nature has healed because that's i feel like that's quite an accomplishment but like 11 is a weird number because it's not quite short enough that you feel they've done something really good really quickly but it's also like long enough where you go i don't i mean there are a lot of islands with rats they've got to get through i'm not sure they is this like a warning shot to the

are they expecting the other islands the rats to just see what's happened here and go you know what it's not worth it mate and then just bugger off well i don't know what i do know is that researchers have discovered that three of the deep sea shark species that we know of are glow in the dark they're bioluminescence and try saying three of the deep sea shark species that we know of are glow-in-the-dark. They're bioluminescence. And try saying three of the deep sea shark species and not stumbling over that. First, who's doing this research? Who's blacklighting sharks that they discovered all this

at once, that there's a whole three of them? And also, I feel like this is a new realm for tongue twisters or children's rhymes. Three glow-in-the-dark sharks on a lark in the park. They left six stacked snacks by the black tracks but they can't track back to the shop by the by if they stop then they die james collie you love a shark a glow-in-the-dark shark would be easier for you to find at night

how do you feel about this research you think i don't know a trap when i can see one when it's glowing right in front of me i'm not i've been enticed by anglerfish before i know when something's glowing because it means to harm me I think this is fascinating to me I also love what you said about a black light on a glow-in-the-dark shark because it just reminds me of like the most amazing CSI opening that could ever happen they'd run the blue light over the shark like well something has happened with this shark and we are someone's been sleeping with the fishes, if you know what I mean. It's a fantastic situation.

What I love about this shark story is the researchers involved said, many people say the deep sea is less known than the surface of the moon. And I think part of that is because there aren't monsters on the moon to eat those who try and check it out that we know of. If I'm wrong about this i will retract it but to my knowledge they're not there they also describe these people as the macgyver users of light which is a fantastic description of any kind of shark that's the richard dean anderson of sharks if i've ever seen one that's absolutely what what that is. And also MacGyver used quite a few lights.

There were very few all-dark episodes of MacGyver, so I would say MacGyver is the MacGyver of light. Well, this is an amazing thing, a feature about sharks, which is that there are 540 shark species that we know of in the ocean and 57 of those species are able to produce light, which is more than 10% of all shark species that we know of. This is a quote from Jerome Malafet, who's a marine biologist in Belgium. And he said, people don't seem to know that sharks are able to produce light, which I think is like an incredible thing. I feel like

we should know this. A, it'll give you like 3D glow-in-the-dark jaws. And B, if your child is having nightmares, you can give them a glow-in-the-dark shark as a nightlight unless the thing they're having nightmares about is a shark, in which case you've just created an infinite loop of horror in which the only thing to fear is fear itself and the shark. I get that the kite fin shark, I get that you'd be surprised. It's the largest one, it glows, you'd be shocked. But the lantern sharks, the black belly and the southern lantern shark, surely you were suspicious

when you named it and then like if it starts going to be like i actually know that makes sense why would we call a shark a lantern shark like did it look like a lantern was it a spiral like a lantern no it glows in the damn dark i mean knowing the history of colonial naming of things they probably used it to make lanterns with the fat of it until we fished it into near extinction or that's the one that um jonah like the maker of pinocchio joni got stuck in uh which is explains why they could just see the little lantern inside and like oh there he is well we have to get him out of there i feel this is a pixar film waiting to be made but surely if it is a pixar film our tagline would have to be what you said earlier, which was that even the meter sharks can glow in the dark, which sounds like the kind of heartwarming scribble you find at the bottom of a Pixar poster. There is a light in all of our lives.

I don't know if that was Pixar or Christian church heritage. I'm not sure where I was going there. I don't know if that was Pixar or Christian Church Heritage. I'm not sure where I was going there. In other underwater anomaly animal news, there is a whale moan room on Clubhouse. Yeah, there is. So I feel like many of the terms in this sentence need a little bit of explanation. James Nokesa, would you like to give a primer for our people here? What is a clubhouse and what is a whale moan room?

is a whale moan room clubhouse is a app that people can go into when they're tired of screaming at each other on twitter and it was invented by a very lonely man who was hoping to talk to people and it got twisted into something horrific. But then, as can happen sometimes with the internet, it got twisted again into something less horrific with whales moaning. This is one of the features of Clubhouse, which is a new social media app where people are all in the same place at the same time. And it sort of cultivates extremely niche conversation group interests, including ASMR groups. For example, there's one where there's a thousand people eating ice cubes at the same time, which is apparently relaxing and not, again, a nightmare. James Colley, have you been in a whale

moan room? No, I respect a whale's privacy. If I want to, I would go to PornPod, but no, I let the whales moan of their own accord and I try not to interfere. I'm concerned about having whales on Clubhouse because I know Clubhouse has the app where the worst, worst, worst corners of Twitter head off to. And I'm worried that these whales are going to be a little too fond of the white whale. I'm not even sure they're damn whales. All right. Like who amongst us are actually experts in whale moans? Alright, I can't tell the difference between a whale moaning and a 45-year-old stand-up comic who's just lonely

on tour. Okay, I don't know what's the more organic animalistic moan. Well, so unfortunately, as with all things on the internet, it has immediately broken down into internecine warfare, where various whale moaners have broken off into splinter groups and sub-splinter groups of various kinds, including some very passive-aggressive conversation, talking about people's whale moan privilege and microaggressions in the whale chat forum. I'm not sure how I feel about this co-opting of the discourse of the left. James Nokise, are you pro or anti whale moan appropriation of leftist discourse? Look, Alice, I didn't expect to be put in this position when I came on today. You know, I think it's a complicated area of underwater moaning. On both sides, I think you can see there's room for moaning, but not much discussion. I miss the heady days when we could all just be racist to each other in a language we can understand. Now someone moans at me, and I don't know whether it's a friendly moan or whether they've just told me to get back in the ocean. I have to say politically I'm a whale libertarian.

It's not really a social or economic thing. I believe in free willies. As do so many men on the internet. Now it's time for our ad section because you can't be what you can't buy. The great thing about getting older is that as you get more blotchy and worn, your eyes get worse, so you have a built-in beauty filter when you look in the mirror. The only problem is you can't be sure the rest of the world will look at you so kindly. Introducing the Blurr-tiful Acid Mist, an algorithmically intelligent decommissioned Russian chemical nanoweapon

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everywhere. Acast.com Now it's time for section two. Section two. Interplanetary news. Interplanetary news. Interplanetary News. We all live on this big rock in the whatever it is that space is today. But there are other rocks in this whatever it is that space is. And one of them is the moon.

And we've discovered that the moon has a tail made out of salt. And every month it shoots a beam around the Earth. A salty beam being shot around the Earth. James Nokise, you've been looking at the moon and you, a salty beam being shot around the earth. James Nokise, you've been looking at the moon and you love a salty beam. What's happening here? Look, I like to consider myself an expert in shooting salty beams at night. And my first question, I think, upon seeing it, and even now just rechecking, is how do we know it's salt? Who's tasted it?

is how do we know it's salt? Who's tasted it? I've actually, I'm quite happy to tell you I've been commissioned to come up with a way of measuring the amount of salt. It's called a James Incredible Salt Scope or Giz Scope for short. And I think what I'm really worried about when I look at this is the velocity.

It's so powerful. I'm just worried people, if they stare too much, they're going to go blind. One of the astronomers who was involved in studying this phenomenon has said, it almost seems like a magical thing, which I feel casts into question his qualification as an astronomer. I'm pretty sure if you're a scientist, you're not meant to look at something scientific happening and being like it's magic. It's moondust. It's magic. James Colley, how are you waxing or waning

on this? Well, I think technically speaking I believe this is called amore. But I think if the moon is if the moon is shooting at us we came in peace for all mankind. We wrote that on the moon is shooting at us, we came in peace for all mankind. We wrote that on the moon and we left it a note saying specifically that if the moon is shooting at us, it is time to fire back. We can't be ruled by the moon.

We can't live in fear at night because the moon is watching us. And if it's using these sodium streams, which I believe is one of those devices that fizzes up water, then we have plenty of those and we can fire back as soon as we can the part of this study i did really love though was um the study's lead author who said this is a real quote does this have a practical application probably not and i highly appreciate that level of honesty i feel like that i myself as someone with no practical application, appreciate a study that also has no practical application. Well, again, the language that these scientists are using,

I assume in order to sound relatable to their audience, is so vague and colloquial that it makes me doubt their credentials. As you say, Baumgartner, who's the senior research scientist at Boston University, and he's at the Center for Space Physics. So again, Baumgartner, who's the senior research scientist at Boston University, and he's at the Center for Space Physics. So again, deeply legitimate man described this as saying it makes the moon look sort of like a comet, and it has a stream of stuff coming off it, which doesn't seem like the kind of scientific language. No, Alice, I applaud it. That is exactly how my mate Louis, who's now an auto mechanic that I went to high school with, he would, if I asked him about this whole situation, he'd be like, bro, it makes the moon

look like a comet and it's got a stream of stuff coming off it. And so I applaud these scientists just speaking in language that just anyone can understand. I feel like spraying out this salt at all times and hovering as it is over the earth, it makes me wonder what we're being seasoned up for and whether the moon is in fact going to eat us. Maybe the sea is just a freshwater lake that's been shot by the moon. That's why they pay me the big bucks to research this stuff, Alice. Hashtag Giscope. In other interplanetary news, in this instance from planet Earth, but also from planet sport, Japan has decided that it will be running the Tokyo Olympics this year in 2021, but it will

not be allowing foreigners in, which is Japan's favourite thing to do, is not allow foreigners in. And in this instance, due to concerns about COVID-19, James Nukise, are you worried that the athletes will not be able to jump higher and run faster and whatever else the other one is that due to concerns about COVID-19. James Nukise, are you worried that the athletes will not be able to jump higher and run faster and whatever else the other one is that they're meant to do at the Olympics in the absence of cheering home crowds? Well, at first when I saw this,

I thought this was a genius move by Japan to win the Olympics by not letting any foreigners in because the easiest way to win a competition is to make sure no one else can come and compete with it but uh now that's it's seeing it's just the um the audiences i i think we underestimate how good japan is at cheering on random strangers like no country has been able to make a mascot on anything than japan so i'm not, I think people will still be able to get the spectacle of the Olympics.

They just might be not necessarily mascots that they're used to seeing for their countries. James Colley, you're a big sport aficionado. How do you feel about this, being banned from your favorite Olympics? Four years, every four years, I get a chance to see a discus being thrown as far as it can.

And I go to the park every saturday and i watch the frisbees and it's just not the same japan have done some incredible things to shore up a couple of golds at this olympics and i think this is the next in a great move that started with adding break dancing as an olympic sport which is a brilliant thing to do it's the same as when aust had the Olympics, when Sydney had the Olympics, we added beach volleyball because who the hell else has a beach? Eat it, every other country.

Like, I think we should add more and more specific sports specifically to shore up the home crowd advantage. If we ever get it back, I want a 100 metre things James can remember from his childhood specifically, which I think both of us today would have a pretty good shot at well they're citing this statistic that it won't make such an impact on the crowds because in the last Olympic Games which was the 2018 Winter Games in Pyeongchang

in South Korea local fans accounted for 80% of all ticket fans and international fans only bought 20% but that discounts the fact that this was the Winter Olympics and no one gives a shit. The Winter Olympics is useful purely for spy recruitment, I believe. If you can get through the snow very fast, you have some weapon work, you know, that's enough. That's all, it's all a front. I always maintained the Winter Olympics would make more sense if you could actually see the athletes

getting drunk before they do the things because the luge and just ice skating all of it even like i mean they let weed in with the half pipe but i just feel like if the winter olympics were also the illicit olympics the audience numbers will begin to match summer yeah i definitely think there's room for a fully drugged up olymp some point where it's just like car racing, where it's all about the team that you've brought on board and what they're willing to do to your human body. I believe that's the Tour de France. And in other interplanetary news that makes me question why I called this segment interplanetary news from planet journalism, BuzzFeed founder Jonah Peretti has fired 47

of the staff of the US Huffington Post, including eight managers, in order to drive, quote, long-term sustainability. James Colley, James Nokesi, I'm going to let you race to this one because you're both in the media industry. How do you feel about this? I've actually already sent in my CV to HuffPost. Seems like there's a lot of good job vacancies going on there. Not necessarily stability, but it's a cutthroat world out there in left-wing journalism. James Colley? I do like how quickly we went from BuzzFeed's destroying journalism to, oh, actually, BuzzFeed's quite good, to no, no, no, no, no, BuzzFeed's destroying journalism. It's just happening at a higher level than we thought i mean i love this idea that you constantly get uh told and fed which is that the the hollywood is left wing or

the the journalists uh on a particular paper are left wing when in fact that is just the uh the front facing client facing talent whereas everyone behind the scenes is as ruthless a capitalist as you've ever seen in any other industry ever ever ever sorry rupert murdoch isn't left-wing he lied to me in a drumming circle the fact that the huffpost was begun in part by what's his head bright but should not be an indicator that maybe they're trying to do that thing where coca-cola owns both coca-cola and mount franklin water bottles and they're trying to corner the market at both ends hey i mean, I'd love to see Breitbart's reporting on the HuffPost cutting jobs so, like, ruthlessly in a capitalist way. I feel like that's going to break them slightly.

Ah, the left with their authoritarian job cuts. Look, everyone in the Bugle stable of shows whose front-facing is basically left-wing, but look at Ped right now smoking his massive cigar with his hat made out of dollar signs. And now we have a pull-out section in the magazine, a women getting home safe late at night pull-out advice section. For all those women who are worried about getting home late at night, we have the foolproof fail-safe advice for you. anything. Walk with a friend but not a creepy friend. Don't judge a book by its cover. Carry a rape whistle. Don't draw attention to yourself. Cover yourself in mud so they lose your scent.

Walk upstream in shallow water. A gunman can't track zigzag running. Lay a false trail by pissing on a fox and let it run in the opposite direction. If you do stay home, look into the eyes of the man you love most in the world and really viscerally understand that if you are ever the victim of a violent crime, he is statistically most likely to be the perpetrator. And that's the end of your Pull Out Women Getting Home home safe advice section. Royalty update, breaking news. What will Piers Morgan wear to match his broken heart after his ex-girlfriend called the family slash employees of his current mistress racist? Now it's time for your reviews. James Colley, have you got any reviews for us this week? Yes, I do. Have you ever wondered what 5am is like are you curious how

many tissues there are in the gutters of your neighborhood may i recommend following my lead and getting a puppy it is a wonderful place to put your leftover chicken though if you put two leftover chicken it's a bigger problem than you really want to deal with and it takes a lot of heat off you for the random puddles of urine left around the home. They become much easier to explain. So please, if you're thinking about it, get a puppy. And honestly, stay up all night thinking about how happy you are to hear the whining of its screech. How many stars out of five?

I've got to give this puppy five stars. He is as adorable as he is deeply stupid. I'm raising a himbo and I love him. James Colley, himbo is ableism. James Nwokise, have you brought in anything to review? Yes, it's something for the secure person in their mid-30s who's stabilised their career and their own sense of self. Try moving back in with your parents.

It's become all the rage in 2020, particularly with the pandemic. It's been a furrow among the arts community, I can tell you now. You'll learn a whole bunch of things like disturbing facts from your family relatives you never thought that you'd be told. The economic state of your parents you'd never assumed you'd want to know. The sexual history of your parents for when they've drunk too many drinks around you and you're still in the house, oh God, you've got nowhere else to sleep. And finally, you'll find out just how far the gap

between you and your stably employed siblings is in the eyes of your parents. I was gonna give it three stars, and I've realized that I'm within earshot of the person I'm currently in the house of. So let's say four and a half. Reads like a two. Reads like a two, but four and a half.

Speaking of your parents, James Nokesia, that brings us to our next section, horny news. Who are? This story is, I'm just going to read the headline, which is, Religious education teacher faces the sack after simulating sex with cardboard cut out of the Pope. There's a story in the Metro in the UK. And I feel like faces sack is pretty epic language in context here for what's happened. James, you had a religious upbringing. Can you explain this story?

this story? Yeah, as a fellow descendant of the Welsh, such as our teacher here, Mr. Andrew Jones, which is an old Welsh name for John Smith. I think it all comes down to consent. And has the Pope consented to having his image sexually gratified to a class? And that's quite actually a gray area for a Catholic college, because obviously the kids are all like, what is sex? The teacher's like, I can show you this. And the Pope has kind of agreed for the college to exist. So you can read that as consent, but it really depends on what actions he was filmed doing to the Pope, because I'm guessing the Pope's more of a missionary kind of person, maybe doggy. I don't know if 69ing the Pope is really what you should be teaching at high school. That seems more like a university level. I mean, it's Catholic, so obviously no foreplay was done to the Pope

more like a university level. I mean, it's Catholic, so obviously no foreplay was done to the Pope before they began the sexual stimulation. But as I said, the very issue is consent. I did not realize that this was going to slide into a real-person Pope fan fiction, James Nucky says, speculating. What? No.

Anyone who's had a Catholic school upbringing just has that kind of stuff, just buried deep in the psyche. It can explode at any moment like moon jizz. James Colley, how do you feel about this two-dimensional cutout of the Pope, which A, why is it in a classroom, and B, why is it being used in a demonstration of the Harlem Shake? Yeah, firstly, you should be sacked for doing the Harlem Shake

in the year of our Lord, 2021. But also, the Pope should face the sack here, and I'm not talking about the teacher. I'm saying you can't do that and still be the Pope. It's firstly very hard to explain in confession. And, you know, the Pope has needs. I understand the Pope has needs, but this is a major part of being Pope.

This can't happen. And I know we have all made some toast in the morning and you see an image of Christ in there and you think about it for a second, but you don't do it. You simply have to resist, go about your day, put some peanut butter on there and munch up. I think it's important to note that just because the Pope's wearing the gown doesn't mean it was asking for it. I mean that's really, that's a fundamental lesson to get across. I hope the Pope wore a condom though. I mean, oof.

And in continuing horny news, some proposed Australian technology to regulate who accesses pornography may be being sneaked in. People are worried. It's about a year ago the Australian government floated the idea of using what they are calling a face scan to verify the identity of persons who would be accessing pornography, which people obviously strenuously objected to.

This is the answer to the perennial question, who watches the watchers? We need to invent an AI that has watching people watch porn as its kink because I don't think it's humane to expose anything sentient or non-sentient to the mid-sex faces of millions of people unless it's aroused at the time. We all know that sex is entirely horrifying as a spectator sport unless you're spectating is also, how to put it, being a solo participant. James Colley, who's watching you while you watch porn? So I got a puppy and... LAUGHTER

So this is Australian legislation and they said it came in a year ago. OK, I am going to need to explain a few things i like that most most other nations if they were trying to get technology like this through they would sneak it sneak it really really quietly like it's going to start in like shops or cctv and we'll build up from here and we'll slowly grow the police state. But the Australian government is instantly like, we're going to watch you wank. That's the first and only purpose of this technology.

We're firing it up. You're going to love it. Please don't think about this when you vote for us, but maybe think about it while you're doing it. I think it's Rupert Murdoch. I'm just going to say it. I don't care who you say it. I think this is conspiracy by Rupert Murdoch to I'm just going to say it. I don't care who you say it. I think this is conspiracy by Rupert Murdoch to get everyone back to print media. Okay.

Gone are the days when you could just sneak a magazine at high school from one mate to another and you open it up and sure, there's some soulless eyes staring back at you. But, and sure, all your mates knew that you were wanking with the magazine, but it wasn't the government unless, you know, I mean, years later when your mates are working in the government. Sure. Technically, the government knows you wanked in the magazine.

But, you know, time, time is the great healer of horniness. Well, I feel like this is the next step, of course, in technology replacing God in every facet of our lives. Who else is going to watch you wank? Santa Claus. But why? Why do they want to watch? They don't want to watch the whole thing. They just want to watch you begin.

They just want to make sure that you have an identifiable face. But then doesn't technology always then evolve? So aren't we just going to end up getting masks of, like you're just going to have kids with masks of their parents, like when you used to forge a signature for a school report, as you know. Which is going to lead to some disastrous paraphilias. Yeah. Sorry.

This is the same government that earlier this year was completely unable. So we rolled out an app for COVID and it didn't pick up a single person that regular contact tracing didn't do. It did nothing. What were they doing in that time? Making sure they had a detailed list of everyone making their way through lockdown. That's a wonderful use of resource. And in other horny news, the horniest television show of 2020 is about to become the horniest stage show of 2000 and whenever they get it done. The Queen's Gambit, which is a show about a lady who does chess, is about to be made into a musical. It's going to be headed to Broadway, or at least that is the rumor after production company

obtained the stage rights to the novel on which the Netflix show is based. James Colley, you play four-dimensional chess. What's all this about? Is this a musical you'll be watching? Yeah, imagine that. Chess, the musical. What a wonderful idea. I already have beef with The Queen's Gambit

because I am a chess player, I'm a childhood chess champion and I hated The Queen's Gambit for making chess interesting and making people actually want to get involved with it, which is why I'm thrilled it's becoming a musical and slowly moving back the other way. I think it's great for Netflix shows to become musicals.

It's a real move-back-home thing from a Netflix show. It's been like, oh, how did it go on Netflix? Oh, you know, I tried a bit. It's not for me. Everyone's just so fake. I'm going to come back here, and you know what? I'm just going to keep working at for me. Everyone's just so fake. I'm going to come back here and you know what? I'm just going to keep working at the local theater. I think that's where we're going to go.

You know what a sad letdown. For all that work that goes into building a TV show, all the months of writing and rewriting and getting through to commissioning to end up with a musical. At least we know that the music of the night is always going to be weird L shapes that don't make sense. Oh, double nerd joke.

Come on, come on, come on. Well, that's all the time we have for our horny section because we don't want you to get too het up. Now it's time for our final section of this magazine. We're coming towards the end and this is food, food section. Burger King has recently been in trouble after it published an ad campaign on both social media and in print media called Women Belong in the Kitchen. It was one of those ones like, sex, now I've got your attention,

and they were talking about the underrepresentation of women in the industry of chefing, but they've received a lot of backlash. James Nukise, you know women. What's happening here? Well, first of all, it's a pandemic, Burger King. We're all in the f***ing kitchen. Like, there's nowhere to go, mate. Right? We're in the kitchen or we're in the lounge or we're just trying to avoid looking at Dad as he looks at us with shame, going, why couldn't you have stuck with law?

All right? But women, sorry, women. Look, I think women can be in the kitchen. I think it's the 21st century. We should let them in. It can't just be guys in there. I think there's space for all people to be in the kitchen. I feel like it's similar to many other sentences that have been happening this year where the silent part of the sentence is often being left out. I think often when men particularly say women belong in the kitchen, they mean open brackets unless they're getting paid to be in that kitchen,

closed brackets, open second pair of brackets, in which case it should always be men, closed brackets again. And I feel like Burger King was doing its best to counteract this. But as with many instances of corporate people trying to co-opt activism, it has gone horrifyingly wrong for their brand. James Colley, you've eaten a Burger King. What's happening here? I think this is the kind of behavior we would expect from the patriarchal feudalism of the burger universe. If the Burger King rules like this, it is why we signed the Burger Magna Carta or the McCarta.

like this it is why we signed the burger magna carta or the mccarter it's exactly why the mcdonald's land changed to being a democracy where man mccheese rules it's not even ronald mcdonald i presume ronald mcdonald is a kind of george washington figure that won the burger wars and then stepped aside but this this burger hierarchy it's a terrible whopper it is a a shocking move from them and i think I think it is time for a burger Republican movement. It is time we... An Australian burger deserves an Australian head of state. The burger mayor needs to hand power to the burger burgers in a committee. But also you're Burger King. Like you employ women and men equally. The thing is you don't pay them well. That's the problem. Any of them.

You equally represent your underpaid workers very well. Yeah, I feel like as with much identitarian modern discourse, often the underlying issue here is class and that is much ignored in a lot of these discussions. Of course, I'm noting here that we are all in the southern hemisphere and in fact we do not call it Burger King here. We're more egalitarian. We call it Hungry Jacks, who's the least of the royals. Oh you do in Australia in in New Zealand we call it we call it

Burger King. Monarchists. We didn't have some weirdo in Adelaide that sued. Weird specific Australian legal callbacks I love it. Our next story in the food section is a cafe nero based story in which a number of staff at a cafe nero have claimed uh scandalously that they switch the sell-by dates on food to make food appear more fresh in order to make people buy it and this was discovered after a man found a moldy raspberry and coconut crumble bar i don't know how you can tell whether anything that has coconut on it is moldy or not because it always looks and often tastes like mould. But this is apparently there's an investigation by the time and six people who said that they work at this specific Chesham branch in Buckinghamshire claim that they changed dates on the reg and another 17 said that they

knew of the practice. How do we how do we feel about this James Nokisi? You are in a Cafe Nero in Chesham. You don't know the difference between that food and moldy food. You're in a Cafe Nero. You're not in a cafe in Nero. You're in a Cafe Nero. You don't know what you're talking about. You can't give me a moldy muffin and a fresh muffin from cafe nero and honest to god tell me you know what the difference is james collie i think the crime

here is laziness so the way they were discovered is they peeled back the march 11 label and found a february 11 label underneath it now that is just purely if you are running this scheme surely you include the take off the old best before sticker part of your grand criminal mastermind unless you just keep them keep them all there and work on a sliding scale it's best before february 11th it's okay before march 11th it's technically a yogurt in april 11 and we move from there i think they should try and remarket it as some sort of prize. So if you can find the muffin with the oldest original 11th of the month sticker, then you get a fresh sandwich.

If you can find the muffin that was eaten by the Emperor Nero, that is the golden ticker. And in our final food news story, some evolutionary theorists have come up with the idea that people like food because it's delicious. This is a discussion among currently applied ecologists which is talking about the ways in which we evolved a taste for delicious and nutritious food and saying that people who had more complex taste buds

that enjoyed complex flavours or particularly fats and sugars delicious and nutritious food and saying that people who had more complex taste buds that enjoyed complex flavors or particularly fats and sugars evolved better than people who I assume really enjoyed the taste of licking rocks. James Colley, what's happening in this story? Yes, this is remarkable. It turns out that much like I do on around 12.30 at night, anytime I've had a couple of too many glasses the early man wandered out in search of food and presumably made a horrible sandwich in the middle of the night a toasty that will absolutely have gone straight to their caveman thighs and then headed back up for another little bit of kip it's i think this is this is fantastic the idea that we were just wandering

hungry around the world and that's part of how like we were truly driven by our stomachs to conquer the world particularly because i i don't think it's like someone say like trying a bit of basil wild and being like oh that's quite nice i'll find something that goes with that i think it's more what just ran past me squealing and honking and oinking i'm going to chase it for the next four kilometers. Oh, look at that. This is a new continent. I love the idea that the early warfare happening with fire,

people were turning and going, we're kicking ass. How did you come up with this? It's like, have you tried bacon? It was so weird. We were eating ham and then we just applied fire and we were like wait a second what if we took the fork and the oh there's a whole thing going on i do wonder if that is particularly like when the first bushfires ripped through here and first nations people wandering around like in the very very early the first understanding of this there must

have been a just delicious, like, oh, someone has prepared quite a buffet for us. Everything else seems ruined. I'm not a huge fan of the decor, but this food is marvellous. A little char-grilled, but how else are you going to prepare a koala, frankly? It's really weird, though, because in the Pacific,

in Maori and Samoan culture, we do it differently. The Maori bury theirs for their hangi, and in Samoan we do a similar thing, but with rocks. It's called a umu. But the whole idea is because a lot of our diets were fish-based. So we're cooking fish with heat. But I like to think that we were applying the heat not just for taste, but because shitting yourself constantly in the village is a real downer.

I'm sure taste was involved, but I feel like dysentery is also a big motivator for evolution. Yeah, I feel like maybe this is a push and pull from both directions sort of situation where there's a dual benefit. James Colley? So my wife, Solarica, who we were with, she talks about the traditional hunting way of catching a turtle up in Darwin in Australia. It's very hot up there, so it does most of the fire for you and you turn the turtle upside down and that is

how it cooks which is great both for cooking turtle and discovering if any members around you were blade runners very hard to get away with being a Blade Runner in the Northern Territory about any time in the last 80,000 years. That brings us to the end of today's gargle. We're closing the magazine. We're moving towards the last pages, that weirdly big ad for a fashion brand you've never heard of, the extremely sexual classified ads and the ones that aren't sexual but probably if you show up to pick up that quote-unquote bookcase they will be uh before we get to the end let's classifieds yourselves

uh james no kisa have you got anything to plug i do actually surprisingly enough uh i am about to perform at the dunedin fringe festival dunedin is a city in new zealand uh that we built on the town plan of edinburgh and as we say in the industry, if you can't do the Edinburgh Festival, go to Dunedin. Oh, that's why they say that. Yeah, yeah. James Colley, have you got anything to plug? So if you are in Australia, please check out The Weekly on the ABC TV on Wednesday nights.

If you're not in Australia, we actually geo-block it. So not only can't you, we actively try and stop you from being able to see this in case our news jokes blow your mind too hard in which case I have a novelty comedy album called Rick Sexton Rocking the Boat on Spotify or Apple Music it was a show from last year's comedy festival

about a disease coming out on a cruise ship that became very relevant right up until the time that we had to stop the show because the world had shut down. Speaking of relevant shows, I wrote a show called Kronos which is about how the apocalypse is not going to look like the way you think it's going to

look like and I will rewrite that and have that on at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival from the 2nd to the 18th of April as well as at the Sydney Comedy Festival after that. I also have a show called The Last Post, which used to happen daily but is now happening monthly. And you can find all of that and all of my work on patreon.com

slash alisfraser, where you can support me generally and join up for my weekly tea salons where we have a little chat. That's all from us at The Gargle. The producer of this show is Chris Skinner and the editor is Ped Hunter. We are a Bugle Podcast production. I'm Alice Fraser. Bye.