The Gargle - Animals | Explosions | Junk

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

Charlie George and Fin Taylor join host Alice Fraser for episode nine of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy show from The Bugle.🐴 Digital horses🐛 Deep-fried Colin🐢 Flying turtle🐟 Future of salmon💥 Gender reveal explosion🛰 Space junk🦦 Beavers chomp on internetCatch Tiff's Tiny Revolutions in your pod feed now.This is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from the Bugle. The 21st century. Mankind has colonised the last unexplored region on Earth. Satire. As captain of the gargle and its crew, we are its guardians, for beneath the surface lies the future. The glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.

This is the Gargle. Your guests today on the podcast are the magnificent Charlie George. How are you? I'm good, thank you. I'm very excited to be here. Thank you for having me. And the excellent Finn Taylor. Welcome to the show for the first time. Hello, thanks for having me. I'm not stressed at all. I'm so relaxed.

Thanks for having me. I'm not stressed at all. I'm so relaxed. Well, we're going to get into the breaking news of today, everything but the politics. But first, our front cover today is the pink supermoon, heavily photoshopped for maximum sexiness. And the headline reads, Unveil my sexy space secrets, 10 lunar diet tricks that really work. The satirical cartoon this week is Oscars winners from all the major categories posing in a way that indicates what the Academy wanted to say about itself this year by choosing them. And other headlines on the front cover, questions about the vaccine answered with the same answer, I'm not an epidemiologist and I don't need to pretend to know.

Also inside this week's edition, the popular review site Rotten Tomatoes has dropped in rankings after Citizen Kane lost its 100% approval score, proving either that art is subjective, that people are savages with no taste, or that the internet can't be trusted. Fill out our online voting form to decide which. Now we open the magazine to our section number one,

our first section, Animals with an Unnatural Vibe. And our first story is about digital horses. Once more we thunder into the existential whirlpool that is cryptocurrency and what in a previous life we would have called second life with virtual horse racing. An Australian company has launched called Zed Run. It's fake horses that you can buy for fake money that you buy with real money. Finn Taylor, you know horses, I assume. What's happening here? So what's happening here, Alice, is that I've been alive too long and this story made me want to die. People have got too much real money and are using the real money to buy fake money and the fake

money to buy fake horses to give them real emotions in their sad lives. This whole world, there's quite a lot of existential issues, as always happens when you, you know, you create a game like this. I remember the, you know, we used to play The Sims, if you're of my generation, and the eternal question of whether you should put them in the pool and delete the stairs. But what's happened is that people are now questioning whether the horses should be able to die, whether there should be jockeys at all in the world. I personally, I mean, you don't even have to race the horses.

You just own a horse in this virtual world. So I would buy a horse and then just try and run down jockeys and f*** them with the horse. Be like a sort of rogue chaos agent. You know, some kind of weird revenge. Going, who's the rider now, you little Irish midget? That's what I'd do. But obviously I have no money to play this game.

It's only for the Saudis and the Russians, I imagine. Well, as with so many of these kind of Silicon Valley inventions, it's a solution to a problem that only exists if you have a very particular set of needs and skills, which is that the animated horse racing terminals found in some casinos and bars for horse racing tragics are apparently very stupid, according to this guy, Zed Run investor and spokesman Rahul Sood and so he

says that the thing about these horses is that ownership changes the dynamic of pretending the horses are real I assume like they've just invented like they've just invented My Little Ponies like they really have just invented a thing that six-year-old girls have been doing for decades oh for me it's more like the four horsemen of the apocalypse have gone digital. Like, it's very, like, it feels much darker than that. Like, I think one of the horses sold for $125,000, which, by the way, I think one of the guys who is,

sounds very odd the way that he... You don't know what a mint condition unboxed Twilight Sparkle goes for, Charlie. I just like, that's insane. But he referred to it as like hockey stick growth. And I was like, sorry, what? What are you talking about? Is that a term we're using now? Like what happened to the yardstick?

Like, but it's apparently like it's a really growing industry of people buying these, yeah, concept ownership horses. Well, I mean, it raises the essential question of whether it is worse for the environment to shoot a horse that breaks its leg in a race it didn't need to run, or whether it's worse for the environment to mint an NFT of a horse with a broken leg. I don't know. I don't know. But co-founder Chris Ebeling talks about the invention with that sort of mixture of utopian nonsense and moonshot self-congratulatory masturbation that is so iconic in Silicon Valley. He says, in my world, Zed is real. It exists on a parallel timeline to ours. It's quantum physics. It isn't. It's 2050 on a planet called Novus Earth. On this earth, digital horse racing

reigns supreme. It's been put in place to balance out wealth, which is such an astonishing claim i find this quite triggering because i don't really you wouldn't call him my brother-in-law because he's polyamorous and my sister-in-law is just he's one of one of his you know he's californian i love that disclaimer he invented the facebook like button and um he's he's one of these people. And he speaks in this sort of mad, higher plane way. Wow, how does he justify it, Finn? Like what's his logic for this, for like incentivising stuff in that way?

I would tell you, but he speaks in a language I don't understand. He speaks in crypto English. It's like, it's blockchain communication. I can't, I cannot understand what he speaks in um crypto english it's like it's blockchain communication i can't i cannot understand what he's talking about you have to mint a non-fungible thesaurus in order to decrypt anything any of these people are saying it's such a strange logic because one of the things i found funny is they're racing these horses and they were saying that like factors like weather conditions and track location impacts the results of the race and i'm like you

control that it's just code like what are you talking about like the weather's off so we've had to call off the race i'm like this is next level stuff that would be great to invest that much money and then your first race go sorry we've um we've coded the weather wrong so it's it's too dangerous for the fake horses to race on this fake turf. Also, surely, did they have a fake Cheltenham that was a super spreader event? Or is that too much like real news for this world? I'm not sure if it counts as escapism if it's that real.

In other animal news, a latest in an ongoing saga of Colin the Caterpillar, which is that there's a small fish and chip shop that is selling battered and fried Colin the Caterpillar cakes. What indignity will not the noble corpse of an imaginary caterpillar suffer next? The money at least made from these battered treats will go to the Teenage Cancer Trust. But what team could rest happily cancer free knowing that this kind of animal experimentation had gone into their treatment or that this was the kind of world into which they'd grow into adulthood? Charlie George?

I like that the justification behind this story was that they wanted to stand in solidarity with Aldi. A cause, I think that's like the deeper level of it, as well as the Teenage Cancer Trust, which is great, but it was also like they were very proud that they were standing in solidarity with Aldi and I'm just like, what is great. But it was also like they were very proud that they were standing in solidarity with Aldi. And I'm just like, what a cause. But yeah, their owner Dino said it's a bit of fun and a great way to raise money for charity and give everyone heart disease with a battered cake.

But I just think it's really insane. Like even the original fight for me is like, imagine thinking that you own the copyright of the shape of a caterpillar. Like surely people have been making shit caterpillar cakes for years at children's birthday parties up and down the country like does it really matter if one's called Colin and one's called Kuffa and why is no one more upset that there isn't a Cassandra do you know what I mean like where's the where's the lady version of the of the, also, I just find the idea that you're siding with Aldi

as the working man's representative over M&S because M&S sells more expensive... I mean, Aldi has more money than M&S. It's a bigger company. I don't know why you think that they represent the working man over M&S, in which actually they have quite good work practices and give their workers a share in what they do. Anyway, I'm not going to get into that.

I found that out on the internet in five seconds, you whimsical c***s. Don't pretend that you couldn't have looked that up. I was just surprised that the kind of town that would sell battered cakes had an M&S. Like, where are they getting the cakes from? I think it must be going to a nicer town nearby to buy the cakes to do this with you're so right and also like i love that you picked up on like the working class sort of front

narrative alice because like they actually did um like they did like some twitter stuff as a campaign around this battered um cake situation and the hashtag was hashtag snitches get battered and i was like sorry sorry, what? Like, that was just like co-opting this really aggressive, violent language to sell your battered cake. Like, it's just so weird. And that story was sent in by Stefan Chilcott or at Chilcott under dash Stefan on Twitter. But in other more hopeful internet news,

it looks like nature is healing itself. Beavers in Canada are eating the internet cables. Charlie, George, you know beavers. What's happening here? I do know beavers and I know that they get all the blame, Alice. They do. The hairier the beaver, the bigger the blame. But these beavers are basically in Canada and they're like the sort of national animal of Canada. I imagine them having like the accent and everything and saying a boot. But yeah, they basically,

because they're such sociable creatures, they're sick of everyone being on the Wi-Fi all the time and they've decided to use their never-ending growing teeth to bite through these cables. And when I was looking at this article, I looked up some beaver facts for fun because why not? And I found out some amazing stuff. Pull-out section. Pull-out factoid box in our magazine. Charlie George bringing you beaver facts for fun because why not and I found out some amazing stuff. Pull out section, pull out factoid box in our magazine, Charlie George bringing you beaver facts. Yes so beavers naturally very sociable creatures when they're not

beavering away of course. Beavers teeth never stop growing, their tails they use them to steer balance and warn others. Beaver tail was actually a delicacy in Canada for a while um they're very house proud hospitable hosts obviously terrible wi-fi but other than that very hospitable hosts and this was my favorite beaver dams both cause and prevent floods oh my god i can really relate to this way of helping people out like because sometimes beavers are considered as environmental engineers because of what they do for the environment like they can be really good at like um eating things that are sort of overgrowing in areas that's my contribution to the environment mostly eating things eating

things but 50 50 chance that they will also ruin everything and and beavers cause a hundred million dollars worth of damage every year apparently through stuff that they do that's really bad so it's kind of like they might help you but they also might cost you really really severe damage that's basically their vibe uh thin taylor have you been following this story yep and uh not the first time the internet's dropped because of too many beavers am i right lads but um oh you got a bit of blue for the dads listening in. In their Japanese estate cars, I see you at the tip. But what I find endlessly fascinating about Canadian news, I mean, it's just so shit, isn't it?

It's the second largest country in the world, but the news that comes out of there would not make local news at a county level in this country. Hey, Marge, Bieber has been eating their internet again. It's just so parochial and nothing. Yeah, it feels like they might secretly be like a fascist dystopia propagating disinformation of themselves as these sort of harmless creatures because how can they be that big and that boring?

No offence to our Canadian listeners out there. Actually, I have a lot of sympathy for this. This happened in Australia with cockatoos eating our uh fiber to the node cables for our fast internet when we tried to put in fast internet and somehow that became political because you don't want people thinking too fast you do think that it was a slow news week for that to be the biggest thing but i am very grateful to them because now next time i don't want to do an online gig i think can i blame the reintroduction of beavers for my internet outage because beavers i've got one more fact actually it's really fun like they they were nearly hunted to extinction basically um for

their fur meat and scent glands which i think is really weird it's like like scent glands of a beaver like odor beaver is the scent that you're really after but they've been being reintroduced back into this country so especially in wales there's a little video on that um on that article um about hashtag welsh beaver everyone that's that's where it's at um but they're being reintroduced to try and sort of help out with the environment here so that's going to be my new excuse i'll be like it's the reintroduction of beavers sorry my internet's just really slow i don't want to do this gig is that why we can't roll out broadband into some areas of the country?

Because some areas are too, what, sheep are nibbling away at the cables or some weird... Is that what's happening? They need to stop making these internet cables out of Colin the Caterpillar cakes, is what I think. Deep fry the internet cables. In other animals doing wrong news, a 71-year-old woman riding with her daughter on Florida's Interstate 95

suffered a head injury when a turtle smashed to the windshield of their car and smacked her in the head. The turtle was unharmed. The lady was moderately harmed. And her daughter called 911. Finn, do you have sympathy for this terrible incident? I do. Poor woman.

Nature's 9-11. What a time we're living in. ISIS have claimed responsibility. The turtle was radicalised at a swamp. Also, the video I watched said that the turtle was not all right and that it had to have a leg removed, and then sadly has died since. So the article said turtle was fine.

And I watched the video because I thought, well, I hope someone filmed this. How I spend my days is hoping someone's filmed an animal doing something wacky. And they said, oh, yeah, turtle. The guy, the woman was fine, but the turtle lost a leg and has since died. Oh, that's very sad because I was trusting the article. Yeah, real disconnect. I also looked at that because it had a proper clickbait image on the video. Yeah. Of the turtle sort of half stuffed in the windshield, which seems brutal.

But I guess that's how it works. Clickbait. It worked. I watched the video. When I was about 10 years ago, in the early days of my stand up career, I was on a mega bus from Cardiff to London and a pheasant flew through the windshield and hit a woman that was sat at the front of the bus. And we had to pull over and we had to get loaded onto passing megaby. What's the plural? That's such a posh word for a megabus as well. Pheasant. I know. I got hit by a pheasant on the megabus.

I know. Real class war, isn't it, from above? That's sort of upper class drone strikes. But I have a lot of sympathy because it was fairly brutal. I mean, that does sound pretty brutal. Was the lady all right? I've no idea, Alice. It was 10 years ago.

But I just got on the next bus. Didn't think about it. 10 years ago before you developed empathy. That's right. Pheasant in the face will really slow you down. But I think the article was misleading. They kept kind of talking about, like, how this flying turtle... I was like, the turtle wasn't flying.

Like, it had been clipped and was therefore moving through the air. They made it sound like it had wings. Sorry, when you say the turtle was clipped, that implies that it was already moving at quite a good speed. But obviously this is a turtle, isn't it? You know, famous, if anything, for moving quite... I think if you clip a turtle, it doesn't really do anything. So I think something's amiss here.

I think maybe there was some kind of launch, dropkick. Conspiracy. It's giving more sort of discus vibes, isn't it? Like that someone... Yeah, yeah. Well, I assumed drops. How do you get... How does a turtle get big air? Well, eagles will drop them to try and crack them open. That's a thing.

What? Predatory birds will drop a turtle from quite a high height. That's what I assumed had happened. I didn't realise that it had been clipped. But if we flip over the page of the magazine, we can see an extensive diagram showing how the turtle achieved this high velocity. That might enlighten you a little bit. In other animals out of place news, also in Florida,

a facility called the Blue House, which opened last year for what it's ominously calling its first phase, intends to be the world's largest land-based fish farm, very much in the way in which I'm the world's premier female alternate universe satirical comedian. This fish farm has refrigerated tanks in which farmed salmon thrash about for the whole of their deeply disoriented lives, protected from the searing desert heat

before they're murdered by the biggest bear of all people. Charlie George, what have you got to say about this salmon situation? I mean, Florida is really appearing a lot in the news, is my first point. I was just like, classic Florida craziness. But then it actually does have roots in like um Norway and they're basically taking these kind of cold cold water fish and putting them in an air-conditioned room in Florida it's it's basically a giant washing machine of fish on a permanent spin cycle and I feel very upset about it it's concerning me and then and then guy, when he was talking about it,

he was just like, when we started exploring the concept of a land-based indoor aquaculture, that's what they're calling it, people thought we were crazy. And I was just like, yeah, I think they would. He's like, no one would recognise that raising salmon on land

would ever become financially viable or doable. And I love that financially viable was first you know just so that we're all clear but basically they kind of go round and round in a circle in this cold room um and it all kind of sounds like the point of it is that they would save money and there is this thing about it being a closed loop system so basically they don't but they don't get kind of diseases in the water and so that was kind of one of the positives that these guys were talking about about it is that the fish don't get diseases so they don't have to inject them with pesticides and antibiotics. But then you read a little bit further and find out that actually workers and other people in the facility have gone to hospital because of the release of an unknown gas.

I like to think that the fish are emitting f*** you fumes and they're just like stop this now um but yeah yeah i mean this is classic frankenstein's monster situation where we are meddling with what man what not of ought to um and uh the the outcomes are unpredictable as ever i just think james bond has never been more relevant or needed because the environmental leaders of the world are just Bond villains farming fish in a desert is the plot of a 70s Roger Moore film you have to go out

and stop some German maniac from growing fish obviously we know whenever anyone tries to do anything with farming animal rights people get involved I've got a quote here Petter's director of vegan corporate projects You know, whenever anyone tries to do anything with farming, animal rights people get involved. I've got a quote here. Petter's director of vegan corporate projects.

Lovely to see vegan corporate projects just spelled out like that. Fish are not fish fingers with fins waiting to be cut apart, but feeling, thinking individuals capable of joy and pain. The truth is they don't have eyebrows, so... I can't care about something that doesn't have an eyebrow Oh, I wouldn't watch RuPaul's Drag Race then Oh, the lovable queens Your ad section now because without the vicious acquisitiveness

that lifts us above animal kind how will we ever know the actualised selfhood brought to being by the ownership of a handbag or some shit This week's episode is sponsored by the groundbreaking autobiography of a sports star, ghostwritten by a talented but unsuccessful professional writer and then not paid for, so released with the sports star's name, image and identifying details redacted. Want a few generic anecdotes from a sepia-toned childhood?

A story about the importance of grit? Some fun boys on a night out revelations that stop short of confessing to any one of the several crimes and misdemeanors of which this anonymous star has probably been accused? Of course you do. Get The Groundbreaking Autobiography of a Sports Star, ghostwritten by a talented but unsuccessful professional writer and then not paid for, so released with the sports star's name, image and identifying details redacted. Available now from all participating bookstores. image and identifying details redacted. Available now from all participating bookstores. And as a bonus edition if you buy it,

The Hunter's Guide to Thirst Traps, Humble Brags and Horrifying Flexes that make everyone hate-follow you until your capacity to distinguish negative attention from popularity evaporates completely and you find yourself posting a three-image screen-capped notes apology bonus with every purchase of the groundbreaking autobiography of a sports star ghostwritten

by a talented but unsuccessful professional writer and then not paid for so released with the sports star's name, image and identifying details redacted. Out now. And do you not have many sorrows? Half a glass of water, the perfect amount of water to drown not very many sorrows. Available now wherever mild sadness is felt. wherever mild sadness is felt.

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts.

Everywhere. Acast.com Now it's time for section two. Explosive section. section, explosive news. The first story in this section is a gender reveal explosion, as every week we seem to find a bigger and worse way of announcing that your child has a penis. In this instance, it's in New Hampshire.

Charlie George, you look boggled. My God, do you know when the moon was pink, I thought this better not be a gender reveal. Do you know what I mean? I was at this better not be a gender reveal do you know what i mean i was at that level because the more and more you're hearing about this shit it's crazy basically there was this family they thought a quarry would be the safest spot to light the explosive classic first line thought um and what they chose like over the counter target firearms practice level explosives it's like how much do you care that

you're having a boy that you're like the response to that is we must explode stuff like i just i can't make the connection in my mind but what i found insane and really funny about it is just like the residents were like i'm up for silliness but you know some pictures fell off our walls we've actually got cracks in the foundation of our home now that's the line the line is an actual crack in the foundations of our homes but yeah it went a bit mad i mean i keep imagining the dad so apparently like the person who bought and detonated these explosives he did end up turning himself into the police and they saw a video and they could confirm that the child was a boy. Unlike most violent criminals in America who end up turning themselves into the police.

Into, I love that. That was a bit too satirical for a pull-out magazine, Alice. I think that was a bit too sharp. Sorry. That was reminding me of some bad things in the world. Yes, no politics. Please, thank you. Digital horses, please.

Thank you. Not police violence. Glossy magazine. Thanks for the reminder, Piers. Keep the sheen. But yeah, I just keep imagining this dad turning himself in and he's like weeping and he's like in the interview room and they're like, what were you thinking?

He was like, I just wanted to do something special for my son. I just wanted to explode something. And it's just like, is that what being a good dad is? Is that what a son would look up to? I'm like, you know, there's other options. You know, you can like take him fishing when he's a grown up or like talk to him about his feelings. You don't have to like light a massive fire in a quarry.

But it's also, it's an incredibly loud way to announce that your child has a very small penis. In this instance, it was a boy. But it sort of seems like an exception. We don't know how small the child's dick was. I mean, it has to be very small. It's in utero. We don't know how small the child's dick was. I mean, it has to be very small. It's in utero. We don't know. You never know. That is the problem about gender reveals in quarries with massive explosions,

is it puts a lot of pressure on that child to be vaguely interesting. I mean, what if they come out and they're just really dull? And the highlight of their personality was an explosive flare being let off after they were five months old in the womb this trend of explosive gender reveals is making me re-evaluate every major conflict i've witnessed globally i think perhaps the syrian crisis has its root to misunderstanding and that bashar al-assad's wife had just come back from a 20-week scan and wanted to share the good news. I think perhaps we've totally misread every ominous dictator. I feel like the devastating understory of this is that by the time

your foetus is old enough to know what the sex is going to be, it's old enough to hear things that are happening outside of the womb. So all of these little proto children are going to know, know what assholes their parents are before they're even born. I just started, I got into like a wormhole looking at other ones because I was so like, I couldn't believe this phenomenon was a thing. And then I, and then you kind of start to reveal, like realize,

oh, it's caused these fires. People have actually died. Like two people were killed in a plane crash in the caribbean whilst carrying a trailing sign that read it's a girl and then it's like it should have had at the end no way it's an orphan like this is bad this is really bad like and people are always talking about how dangerous trans people are like what the f**k about these people you're more afraid of a hypothetical bathroom situation than actual explosives being set off in the name of gender like why is no one talking about that i mean most most fetuses only kill their twin in utero and these these little

ones are racking up a body count pre-birth it would be especially satisfying if that little boy grew up to be transgender just because of the amount of investment their parents had made in announcing it was a boy. Well, you know, there was one, I think there was a woman. She said that basically she'd gone to this really intense effort. And basically now, yeah, now her child is questioning their gender and wants to be non-binary. It's like, ha! That was the woman, I think, who basically started the trend. She trend she started the kind of 10 years ago she wrote a blog about gender reveal parties and they became sort of a thing and now she's got children that are real they're like

mum please please don't do that that's a lot of sort of expectation to put on a young mind this is the thing i think for everybody and maybe we shouldn't talk about this, but I think for everyone gender is like a massively confusing thing and the only way to make it more massively confusing is to talk about it at all times, which is what I imagine this woman did to her children, who then began to like, you know, it's like when you say the word tree too many times, it starts to make no sense at all.

If you start to think too much about what it is to be a man or a woman, the whole thing collapses fairly quickly. Yeah, I mean, we were actually, my wife's pregnant at the moment. We were trying to work out whether we wanted to know the sex. And I think we decided we wanted to know, not because of, you know, outdated, not because we wanted to paint the nursery pink or anything like that, but just obviously it would be good to know if we were having a girl. We'd have to keep trying until she gave me a male area the bloodline was secure you know

we're quite progressive people at heart for our gender reveal we just um we just did whatsapp whatsapp thread that's what we did just went by the way having a girl so uh that's it set fire to nothing but that was mainly because of covid restrictions i would like to have set fire to something yeah i agree if you overthink it it's like looking at your face too long in a mirror like because i've always been someone who feels like i think if i'd grew up with more of the lingo and i felt more secure in other areas of my fluidity i would probably be more non-binary because i think my my um gender adjective preference would be feral, rather than male or female. It would just be feral.

My nickname growing up was actually Charlie the Barbarian, and I grew up in a single white parent household, so the racial connotations of that are not great. It's true, it's true. Well, this gender reveal story was suggested to us by Mildly Interested at mild-est on Twitter. If you have a story that you would like to send in to the gargle, tweet us using our Twitter handle, which is at HelloGogglers. And that's all the time we have for Section 2, because now it's time for our reviews section.

Our guests today have brought in their reviews out of five stars. Charlie, what have you brought in for us today? I'm reviewing Hot Nuts in Haringey Greenland. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, Finn. Hot Nuts in Haringey Greenland. It's a shop that exclusively sells hot nuts, not warm nuts, not room temperature nuts,

not cold nuts. What are you, an animal? This is hot nuts. It might be a front for money laundering, but my God, does it smell amazing. There's a chocolate fountain out front that I'm pretty sure has never been cleaned. It has a picture on it of a white woman who is advertising the beauty of the fountain in a full cabri space. Is it problematic? I don't know. I was too busy drooling. I love it so much. They have every single type of nut you

could ever need and several you can't even fathom. They're currently looking for staff. I actually thought about applying for a job there, but it turns out only men can apply for the job because the uniform is really similar to Hooters in America. Basically, you have to have your nuts hanging out and you wear these Y-front briefs with a picture of a Himalayan snowcock on the front,

which actually, Finn, is a type of pheasant that can't avert its gaze from a nearby nut. I'm going to give it four stars. It would have been five, but hygiene suspicions and potential criminal activity took it down. I highly recommend Hot Nuts in Haringey Green Lanes if you're in the area. Excellent. And Finn Taylor, what have you brought in for us? Well, seeing as cinemas are closed, the only film I can review was the 20-week ultrasound scan that my wife and I went to the other week. So picture quality was exceptional, arguably too exceptional.

I saw the child's spine. The baby itself was wriggly. A little bit too wriggly, I'd say showboating, quite its range of movement. The gender reveal was very underplayed. The doctor said, do you want to know the sex? We said, yes. They said, it's a girl.

And I said, how can you tell? And they said, can't see a penis. All right, fair enough. I would have thought it was more advanced than that. The cameraman, starting out as skilled, very clearly trained in and this sort of uh ultrasound dop uh he then said a comment that i took to be inappropriate he said that he liked the look of my daughter's kidneys i said that's a bit much mate he insisted he was talking in medical sense i said bloody hell women are never safe from leeches like you the soured, but ultimately the baby's developing well. Three on five.

And that's our review section for this week. Now it's time for our third section of the magazine. This is our Things in the Wrong Place section, which arguably many of our previous stories could have fitted into. This is about space junk in which many satellites, defunct pieces of technology and pieces of spaceship are orbiting the Earth in increasingly large numbers, creating both dangers and eyesores for space. There's belts of debris circulating the Earth, presumably defending us from aliens, but also causing trouble of all kinds. Finn Taylor, are you interested in this space junk? Yeah, I think it's unavoidable i think much like that continent continent-sized pile of rubbish that's in the pacific i think we just got to get it all in

one place i think we should turn the moon into landfill the last time i visited my parents my my dad's lockdown project uh has been to kind of organize his waste disposable uh sort of categorize it he's now got eight bins so i was thinking you'd turn all the planet you turn all the planets into um site-specific waste disposal so mars is your recycling because we we can we know we can get there and back uranus is food waste obs uh jupiter is big uh so that's like a sort of skip for old garden furniture and then i'd say pluto is like batteries and shit electronics fridges that kind of thing all the stuff that you sort of don't really know if you can throw away but you can't be bothered to sort of keep in a drawer so you

just put it in the bin anyway and just don't think about it just like how pluto may or may not be a planet i think that is a a genius plan uh finn taylor i. Also in Elon Musk's visualised future in which humanity has access to the stars and you can buy your way into space by promising to do jobs that doesn't sound like horrifying indentured servitude of the future at all, I feel that there will be people who are collecting space junk for ten cents a pop not too far from now. Yeah, it'll be like Glastonbury where you get a free ticket

if you pick up litter after it's finished. You get to go to space as long as you clean the place up on your way into re-entry. Yeah, exactly. Or just take the junk further away. Kick the can down the road, literally and metaphorically, what humanity is best at doing. A man stands accused of performing a sex act on himself outside a football stadium during the rangers title celebrations uh charlie have you been following this penis yeah so this guy he apparently performed a sex act on himself outside ibrox stadium at the rangers title celebrations i think he's so overcome by the unlikely prospect of a Rangers win. You told me to not say things like this so that I wouldn't get attacked on social media

while I'm going for it. That he decided to come. He was so overcome. But yeah, I mean, I just think it's just a weird moment that you'd be so overexcited that you wouldn't mind. Maybe that's something that he gets off on, on being around that amount of people and that kind of energy like the roar of the crowd like you just think like oh this

will be the moment but I just want to know what people's reactions were like that's what I feel about this story is like what did they do about it like did they just get their cameras out did they run and scream was it gross was it weird like I mean as somebody who has been exposed to men masturbating in public, you have three reactions. The first one is, is he? And the second one is, oh, he is. And the third one is, ugh. Okay, good.

That's the timeline. The real scale of gross. Okay, good to know that. Good to know that, Alice. Thanks for letting me know. I thought the main part of this story was that the trial has been fixed for October by Sheriff Gerard Boner. And if that's not cosmic justice.

Oh, yeah. Amazing. But also, right, because it's all very ambiguous, isn't it? He says he was performing a sex act on himself. Now, that could just be legal speak from masturbation, but performing a sex act on yourself, in my head, he's done the old... Do you think he's trying to reach with his mouth? Yeah, and if he's done the old do you think he's trying to reach he's really trying to reach with his mouth yeah and if he's done that i think i think let the man blow i think if you can't suck yourself off in a car after your team after your team that was relegated

four divisions in a go after financial difficulties has come back and won the league i don't know what this country is coming to. If they can do that, my ribs can bend. I remember when England won the World Cup in 66, there were people all over Wembley Way wanking themselves silly. The Queen was there. Prince Philip was there. He even looked old then, Prince Philip. Yeah, I mean, obviously it's not the right reaction,

even in your own home. Yeah, you don't want to encourage that. For every unexpected win, you start performing a sex act on yourself because it's like there's going to be times where it's like, yeah, what? Like when you, I don't know, when you get your trash in the bin, when you throw something, you're going to do it then. You're going to wear yourself out for practical, energetic reasons. Also, I think I may be wrong on this but

i have a feeling that rangers won the title even though they hadn't played that week i think it was because someone else lost which makes it even sadder in that you've not even watched your team play you've just other results have gone your way and then you start sucking yourself off in the car it's a new level of devotion isn't it yeah yeah next level i think you've made a good point here uh which is the definition of sex act if the internet has taught us nothing else it is that there is an incredibly wide range of things that can be considered arousing or sexual by uh the quirks in human nature so it's possible this man was doing something entirely harmless that somebody else read as very sexual.

Let's not kink shame the man. Could have just been eating a burger. You don't know. Yeah, licking an armpit, that must be a thing. It is now. Oh God. That story came in from Neil or at Pokey Lattice on Twitter. That brings us to the end of

today's show. We'll flip through the classified section at the end if anyone wants to buy a donkey lightly used. They're available here. An above ground pool heavily used? Question mark, question mark. Charlie George, have you got anything to plug? I am doing a work in progress show with two other female comedians at Top Secret on the 19th of July, Top Secret Comedy Club in real life in London. And you can find out more info if you follow me online at CGDoesComedy on Twitter and at CharlieGeorgeComedy on Instagram and Facebook.

Excellent. Flipping through, there are some birds for sale. Unspecified what species or where to get them, but just some birds for sale and finn taylor have you got anything to plug yes covid dependent i'm going on tour this autumn an actual tour leicester cambridge shrewsbury peter berbium nottingham west clipperight and cardiff dorking salford sheffield leeds banbury bristol newcastle glasgow edinburgh belfast liverpool at finn taylor comedy come out and see real live comedy in the flesh. I will fingers crossed against all of the variants for you, Finn Taylor.

Thank you. I'm also doing a tour in the autumn, I think, if that happens. And if I'm allowed to leave Australia, still illegal to leave Australia, but it's fine here. So, you know, you can't complain too much. I'm Alice Fraser. Find me online at at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram. That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E.

Or support all of my work on patreon.com slash alisfraser where you can find my stand-up specials, other podcasts, blogs, and my weekly Tea with Alice salons. This show is edited by Ped Hunter. It is produced by Chris Skinner. It is an Alice Fraser and the Bugle Podcasts production. We will be back next week with more from the gargle. Thank you for listening. Bye!

You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle wherever you find your podcasts.