The Gargle - Asteroid | T-Rex | Heli-saw

Episode Date: March 4, 2022

James Colley and Pippa Evans join host Alice Fraser for episode 51 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!☄️ Asteroid not going to hit Earth🌝 Nanobot...s to explore Moon🦖 T-Rex may have been three species🚁 Helicopter saw🐝 Bee jizz 🥞 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels
Starting point is 00:00:22 or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. This is a podcast from The Bugle. This is crowdsourced comedy. A compilation of bits that various Uber drivers and, in one instance, a bus driver have told me that I can use in my comedy. What you get when the chicken crosses the road but also cancel culture.
Starting point is 00:00:48 Can't say anything these days. I guess you're going to cancel the chicken now, aren't you? Because actually it's insensitive to victims of road accidents or soup accidents or horrible chicken accidents. Or chickens that identify as ducks. Also known as the male chicken. I don't make the rules. I just pretend there are rules and then complain about them. Why don't you put that in your little skit?
Starting point is 00:01:04 To which I say, no thank you. It's not called a skit, it's called stand-up comedy. To which they say, don't you usually do that internet radio instead of the real actual comedy? To which I say, there's been a pandemic and also it's not called internet radio, it's called the gargle. Audio glossy magazine and beloved platonic companion to the Bugle's audio newspaper for visual world. All of the news, a proportion of the satire and none of the politics. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and let's take a peep inside the front cover at your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine. First of all, the recently anointed patriarch of a small family of women,
Starting point is 00:01:36 James Colley. How's your baby? My baby's doing very well, hopefully sleeping throughout the entirety of this record. But if she has something to say, she is actually just starting gargling so it would be very appropriate that she joins in. And new to the gargle, Pippa Evans, how does it feel to never have been on this podcast before? Intimidating, frightening, but very
Starting point is 00:01:57 welcoming to be on a screen with such legends. Let's take hands and as an ensemble trust exercise plunge naked into the freezing cold body of the magazine. Before we do, let's have a quick look at the front page. The front page of the magazine this week is Robert Pattinson, the new Batman, formerly of Twilight fame, posed in an ambiguous position that says
Starting point is 00:02:20 both serious emo crime fighter and also timeless immortal vampire with a penchant for insecure teenage girls. Hmm, provocative. Sorry, I've only just put together that he played both a vampire and a bat now. He's done both sides of the Dracula, which so few artists can do. The satirical cartoon this week is the haggard reflection of your own face reading the news, but filtered through the lens of social media. So you're not just finding out about the next big war, you're finding out about it by someone who's trying to use it to sell you a cryptocurrency. And then by someone who can't resist a dream casting Vladimir Putin as a sexy Emperor Palpatine
Starting point is 00:02:58 in their real life Star Wars fan fiction crossover. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has...
Starting point is 00:03:28 Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Broomgate. Available now. ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com This is our space section, our first section of the magazine. An asteroid four times as big as the shard is set to cross paths
Starting point is 00:04:06 with earth according to the metro uh pippa you live near the shard nearer to the shard than any of us can you unpack this story for us the shard is essentially imagine a toblerone but made of sadness and capitalism and it's huge it's a huge building and that if if there was something bigger than that even just the shard hitting the earth would be quite scary so something bigger than that would be even scarier but this story is one of those classic there's no news stories because the first line of the article is nasa classifies asteroids that come within less than 7.5 million kilometers of earth as potentially hazardous which really is mr that's that's quite far you know i'm 400 miles from london uh so that and that feels potentially like i i'm i'm really far away from something so that's quite a lot further
Starting point is 00:04:58 but experts are sure that there's nothing to worry about with this one so why are you telling us it's just like you're telling us so that we almost worry and then we have the feeling of then not worrying. It sort of reminds me of when I went to Chertsey. I don't know if you've heard of Chertsey. It's a tiny little village place just outside of London where I went to the museum and essentially nothing's ever happened in Chertsey.
Starting point is 00:05:19 So they had a display of what might have happened if the Vikings had have invaded. So it's literally that thing of uh there's nothing to tell anyone let's tell them there's an asteroid that's not going to hit us i mean that's pretty amazing look i think that that is the best kind of news the news of news that didn't happen news dog didn't bite man news is much relieving compared to actual news where depressing things are happening all over the place. Yeah, if it doesn't bleed, it leads. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:49 It's like we could just sit quietly, but instead we have to fill up time with stories that aren't even stories. Exactly as you say, man was not bitten by dog. Neighbour did not be rude to me. Bus stopped when I requested it to. No, no, no, no, no. This is exactly like when you're preparing for a meeting that you don't really want to go to and then they cancel ah yes okay okay but in light years but then you have to have the build-up you have to have the three weeks of a
Starting point is 00:06:17 girl that build that meeting's coming so we actually to play that game the scientists have to go there's an asteroid coming you're all going coming. You're all going to die. We're all going to die. Oh, actually, it's fine. Yeah, true. That would have such horror. The number of payday loans and horrible life decisions I would make. By the time they told me, oh, by the way, we were just trying to give you that relief.
Starting point is 00:06:37 I would be so chock-a-block full of heroin, it would not be an issue. And you'd never learn, James, either. It would happen the next time you'd be like i've got to get that heroin again like your wife's going no they'll cancel it again i'll just do this one thing and then i'll nap for 18 hours and then i'll be ready for whatever the next bit of news is james are you worried about asteroids i am worried about asteroids uh so the same as you i was worried about this when i first read it. And it's very strange that this is the kind of news that they put on when they're like, do you know what? There's not enough worrying happening on our front page. Let's just add this one in just in case. of the earth to the moon which is not close it's the closeness you'd describe if someone would like how close are you to your dad like technically close comparatively speaking compared to how
Starting point is 00:07:31 close i am to other dads but still not objectively close i find it odd like how romantically they were these things this line is the asteroid will cross paths with earth you know like the asteroid and earth are going to furtively look at each other from across a coffee shop you know i think at this point we have to assume the asteroids are just choosing not to come here because frankly why would you come here with everything going on so it's not that we narrowly avoided an asteroid that an asteroid crossed the street so it didn't have to deal with us. I think of asteroids all as fans of Earth and they're coming close but then they don't have the courage
Starting point is 00:08:09 to really encounter us and like the last asteroid that did actually make it through was a big fan of the dinosaurs and ruined what it loved as we do so often by trying to come too close. Never meet your heroes.
Starting point is 00:08:20 Never meet them. I actually really appreciate people taking us through what the Shard is because I got that it was a building in london but this asteroid was described as four times as big as the shard which is not a useful unit of measurement so i looked up how big is the shard and it's 300 meters high so what you could have said is it's 1.2 kilometers were you worried i wouldn't understand 1.2 kilometers so you think do know what? You're not going to get what one and a bit Ks are.
Starting point is 00:08:46 So how about a building in London and just four times of that? Like, why don't you think about that while you're going for a 17.5 shard run while you train for the shard-a-thon later this month? I just don't think it's a good unit of measurement. I imagine also because the, I mean, it's very, first of all, hugely arrogant arrogant isn't it to assume
Starting point is 00:09:05 everybody knows what the shard is but also the shard it adds to the the fear and the danger of the story the four times the size of the shard what is and the shard it really it does look a little bit like a razor or something so um so it's like a massive razor coming towards earth whereas if it was you know 55 times the size of your average bouncy castle, that's not going to have quite the same impact as a story, I imagine. That's all the time we have for that story because there's more space news. Tiny Mexican robots are going to blast off for the moon later this year. James Colley, you've got a moustache mustache can you unpack this story yes i can uh
Starting point is 00:09:46 five nanobots are being sent to the moon now what you need to know about this is it's another case of robots taking out jobs first it was self-serve checkouts now it's astronauts if you thought that one job was probably safe absolutely firstly take that nerd i always knew you thought you were better than me but they haven't replaced comedians yet. So I've got about three weeks on you. I think it's interesting that our grand endeavor of discovery now has turned from, like, we were promised, you know, about this time when we were kids, we were promised we would be exploring the moon and we would be spending weekends on Mars. But instead, we're sending tiny robots for the purpose of
Starting point is 00:10:25 mining on asteroids. That's right, they're not taking any astronaut's job, they're taking Bruce Willis in Armageddon's job specifically. The big advance of these very little robots is that they can communicate with each other. So unlike previous rovers who were forced to sadly wander the moon studying rocks alone until their batteries run out, these robots will be forced to sadly wander the moon studying rocks alone until their batteries run out these robots will be able to sadly wander about the moon studying rocks together saying things like christ this is dull do you think our batteries will run out soon and i would rather be dead how do you take out these batteries seriously 60 years ago we were putting people on these things and now we're just going to send some Lego techniques to some asteroids
Starting point is 00:11:07 for ways to improve the mining industry while it chokes our planet on pollution from that same mining industry. They're very sad robots, I think, is my main takeaway from this. I choose to believe that robots are happy on no evidence, but no robot is ever going to contradict me. Pippa. The thing that surprised me is how they're really tiny. They're like the size of an Oreo.
Starting point is 00:11:27 So if you can imagine lots of Oreos like driving along. Can you put that in shards for me? Sorry, in shards, it's sort of like 0.004 of a shard. So it's a tiny robot. And I just find it really amazing how we're so obsessed with the moon and going to the moon. So, you know, James, you feel like they're taking our jobs. I'm like, oh, thank God they're just sending robots.
Starting point is 00:11:50 Why are we sending people to the moon? Because this is a good use of the robot. And you say the nerds' jobs are being taken by robots, but the comedians' jobs are just being cancelled. So it depends which you would rather. Would you prefer there were no comedians or robot comedians? The thing I found disturbing about this as well was, again, the little line in the article about this, which said they're equipped to gather lunar minerals that could be useful in future space mining. And there's something just sort of it's sort of written as kind of a quaint, quaint idea that these little robots are gathering little minerals.
Starting point is 00:12:24 idea that these little robots are gathering little minerals but it means that they are planning to go up there and just drill into the thing that controls the sea and the thing that controls our menstrual cycles and and just that but it's all right because it might be titanium in there and we need that for our smartphones yeah i cannot wait for my ovaries to twinge and know that elon musk has landed on the dark side. What would happen when we're all in sync? And then how does that affect space mining? Because suddenly they'll be like, let's send all the women to the moon and our menstrual cycles will be used in the mining process.
Starting point is 00:12:59 Then we'll be like, did we want people to be this interested in our menstrual cycles? I don't know. I don't think it's a two-way street. I don't think our menstrual cycles also control the moon. Have you ever put that many women on the moon, though, Alice? Oh, that's true. Imagine if they sent a million women to stand on the moon all in sync. I reckon there'd be some kind of impact.
Starting point is 00:13:21 At the very least, emotionally. That's all the time we have for our space section, because now it's time for your ads. Your ad section now, because enough is never enough. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by a mustachioed villain tying you to some train tracks for an obscure reason of his own. Is dating getting you down? Is work getting you down?
Starting point is 00:13:42 Is consumer capitalism-induced choice paralysis getting you down? Is doom-scrolling social media for the newest apocalypse getting you down? Is work getting you down? Is consumer capitalism-induced choice paralysis getting you down? Is doom-scrolling social media for the newest apocalypse getting you down? Try finding a mustachioed villain to tie you to some train tracks for an obscure reason of his own. Stop worrying about things you can't fix by worrying only about the oncoming train and whether your prince will come. Replace all of your problems with one extremely immediate and urgent problem. Terms and conditions apply problems with one extremely immediate and urgent problem. Terms and conditions apply. Train timetables subject to discretion. If your rainforest terrarium is looking a little too desertified, try adding half a glass of water. Half a glass of water, keeping the depredations of climate change from the small enclosed garden in the jar in the bedroom of your life. Look, it's not much, but we have to have some small
Starting point is 00:14:22 ways to push back against the relentless onslaught of depression, and if it's not much, but we have to have some small ways to push back against the relentless onslaught of depression. And if it's tiny plants in a bowl, you're looking at needing half a glass of water on the reg. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era.
Starting point is 00:14:54 Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com Now it's time for existential animal news.
Starting point is 00:15:35 My favorite kind of story. A sad story about a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Which is to say, Tyrannosaurus Rex may not have just been Tyrannosaurus Rex. He may not have been the king he may have been a triumvirate Pippa Evans you can stand like a dinosaur with tiny arms can you unpack this story well funny enough Alex I just have to say that it would actually be
Starting point is 00:15:58 impossible for me to do that because there's a syndrome that runs through my family called Marfan syndrome where bits of our body grow too much. And the bit of my body that grew too much is my arms. So I have actually arms that are too long for my body, which you can't really tell if you meet me. But if you see me on film, I'd look like some sort of strange cartoon character because my arms are like ba-dang, ba-dang, ba-dang. So I'm the least likely person to be asked to do an impression of a T-Rex, which isn't something a lot of people use, you know, as their byline. But you should put that on your poster in case anyone's really afraid of Tyrannosaurus Rexes and doesn't want to be triggered by an impression. You can almost guarantee that even if you do do an impression, it will be a bad one.
Starting point is 00:16:40 If you've ever wondered what a T-Rx would look like with long arms so anyway so the story again i was reading this story going is this a story because essentially the story is t-rexes may have been three different species and this has come from exploring the different levels of fossilization so um you know you've got a million years worth of fossilization it's quite quite a long time i think we can agree that's quite a long time. And so during that time, there's been evolution. How much is that in asteroid distances? In asteroid distances, it's 75 shards, I believe, because you can use the shard also to do the digging. So the study shows, oh, well, actually, T-Rexes look different at different periods.
Starting point is 00:17:21 Some of the scientists are saying this is absolutely true. There must have been different species. And other scientists are saying this is absolutely true, there must have been different species, and other scientists are saying this is just life, life people just evolve a little bit, you know. So there's a sort of West Side Story situation we've got going on between the different dinosaur specialists having little jets versus the sharks or T-Rex versus the... Yes, but they're clicking way closer to your body than you would imagine.
Starting point is 00:17:47 Right by your face. What I liked about this as well is that the key credit for the author of the research, Gregory Paul, is that he was a dinosaur specialist on the film Jurassic Park. And I love that that, like how are we going to get your average Joe
Starting point is 00:18:04 to be interested in this story? The only dinosaur thing that everybody has some kind of relationship to is that he was a specialist on Jurassic Park. And he said that the findings have multiple implications. There's an implication here. My nephew, as all small children do, is obsessed with dinosaurs. But he's one and he doesn't know the difference between what is a dinosaur and what is not a dinosaur so he knows cats and dogs and various things but he is convinced that every animal that he doesn't recognize is some form of dinosaur so the other
Starting point is 00:18:37 day he saw a sheep and was screaming that it was a dinosaur there is that research says that says dinosaurs once were covered in feathers, isn't it? Yeah. Which again, I imagine Gregory might have something to say about that. I don't know what his opinion is on that. So maybe once upon a time sheep weren't. Maybe your nephew is actually prolific and a knowledgeable scientist.
Starting point is 00:18:59 Maybe one day he too can be on Jurassic Park. I actually, finding out that this study, the heart of this study is Gregory Paul, the dinosaur specialist at Jurassic Park, made me so much less inclined to believe this study because I've watched that documentary and that park was an absolute disaster. The dinosaur specialist should have seen it coming.
Starting point is 00:19:20 And if I were the dinosaur specialist at Jurassic Park and I allowed the events of that documentary to occur, I would be ashamed of myself. It was worse than the Fyre Festival or Woodstock 99. It was incompetence top to bottom. Also, I wonder if it's frustrating because I reckon maybe Gregory Paul has done loads of other things. He's probably written loads of amazing papers.
Starting point is 00:19:41 He's been really, really wise about the old dinosaur world and yet the only thing people ever say is he was a specialist on Jurassic Park actually so because how long ago was that now 30 years how old is that film yeah about that yeah that means he had to consult on the likelihood of a Tyrannosaurus rex eating someone out of a port-a-potty and that's the pinnacle of his career or also what what this what the shape of the water would be how that how heavy would the footprint have been to make that's what he was consulting on wasn't about levels of fossilization like he probably also did some very deep work in
Starting point is 00:20:16 dinotopia like really about the politics systems that dinosaurs could have put together sorry i when i see the opportunity for dinotopia gear i I've got to go for it. How often does it come across? Valid, valid and valuable. That's all the time we have for our dinosaur news. But dinosaurs are evergreen material, I feel. A quick apology section, the Gargle family would like to extend a sincere apology to Hank the Tank, the thieving bear who's recently been exonerated for the crime of breaking and entering near Lake Tahoe on DNA evidence. Despite having previously indeed been the fat bastard who stole all the pies in previous incidents, he is in this instance not guilty. Let it not be said this publication is anything but a mouthpiece for truth.
Starting point is 00:20:58 As atonement, I will be reading extracts from Chortle's three-and-a-half-star review of Vladimir Zelensky's Edinburgh Fringe show. And now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars. James Colley, what have you brought in for us? My review this week is on sobriety. Such is my dedication to this show. To prepare for this week's episode,
Starting point is 00:21:21 I've had no drinks or anything other of the sort in about 50 days and i have to say going completely sober raw dogging reality if you will gives you an entirely new outlook you can look at life a lot clearer a lot less bleary and having done that i've come to this conclusion things are really quite bad hey like they're really very very bad aren't they like i can understand now with clarity why I was drinking so much. Who would want to be alert for this? Right now I'm high on life, but I have to say it's a bad trip
Starting point is 00:21:51 and I do not think I'll be doing it again. So I give sobriety zero stars. Zero stars. Pippa Evans, what have you brought in to review for us? I brought in pancakes. I'm going to just assume that pancakes are the same in the UK as they are in Australia. They're upside down here.
Starting point is 00:22:06 I know in America, pancakes sometimes are called flapjacks. And it could get like, there can be confusion. But yeah. And what you call flapjacks, we call muesli bars. Yes. Although, again, then you get into a deep discussion about what goes into a muesli bar, what goes to a flapjack. Oh, oh, you could have chats for hours.
Starting point is 00:22:24 But the pancake, it was just Pancake Day here in the UK. Do you have Pancake Day the same day? Did we force that upon you? No. What the hell? I've heard about this so much. You have a day where you're allowed to have, please explain this to me.
Starting point is 00:22:36 Take as much of the show as you need. Finally, this is what the show is for. It's all about getting rid of misinformation. The Pancake day is what used to be called shrove tuesday so it used to be the day before lent where you used up the last of the stuff in your cupboard before you went on your wonderful pious 40 days and 40 nights before easter slowly it became pancake day which was a move i believe by a company called Jif Lemon, which is like a lemon juice, long life lemon juice, basically.
Starting point is 00:23:11 And so you would have a pancake with sugar and lemon on the Tuesday and then you were supposed to go into Lent on the 40 days. Nutella did try and make it, turn it into Nutella Day, actually, for a while. But they haven't been as successful. Probably because of the orangutans.
Starting point is 00:23:27 Yeah, because of those orangutans that they put. There's two and a half hazelnuts and one and a half orangutans in every single jar. But James says, why do you have this day for pancakes? And that's kind of my review, is that pancakes, we in the UK do really save them for this one day. But pancakes, we in the UK do really save them for this one day. And every single pancake day, we all end up saying, pancakes are just the most delicious food that you could possibly have. Why do we only have these one day a year?
Starting point is 00:23:55 They are easy to make. They're cheap. They're tasty. They feel special. They feel kind of cool. Kids can enjoy making them. They can be sweet. They can be savoury.
Starting point is 00:24:06 Pancakes need to be celebrated every day. So I'm going to give pancakes five stars because we need to get more pancake in our days. Five stars and zero stars. I think this is the biggest spread that we've had across reviews. And I think it bespeaks an inherent personality differential between James Colley, the eternal pessimist, and Pippa Evans in eternal optimism. I would like to also note that
Starting point is 00:24:27 that large spread is sponsored by Nutella Enjoy Nutella If you've just tuned in this is the gargle where misinformation marries fun and becomes Mrs Information Now it's time for our helicopter saw section.
Starting point is 00:24:48 The story of your dreams slash childhood nightmares. There is a feud apparently in California about the use of a helicopter with a giant saw. James Colley, this sounds like an idea you would come up with in your most horrible dreams. Please explain. This would be the peak of my life if I had come up with this idea. So this is a feud about whether or not it is appropriate to cut down trees
Starting point is 00:25:12 using a chainsaw with eight circular blades suspended from a helicopter. To which I would say, who cares if it's appropriate? It is awesome. We are, as a society, now entering a space known as the cool zone where our actions clearly aren't for the good of the world but they are undeniably sick things
Starting point is 00:25:32 to do is it smart to dangle a chainsaw from a helicopter no of course it isn't but if you had the ability to dangle a chainsaw from a helicopter and you chose not to then you are the idiot now the rub here is that the company using the helicopter chainsaw was also reportedly responsible for the california wildfires so if anything this helicopter chainsaw is actually this company being more responsible than usual so it's next week they'll probably just be firing a gun indiscriminately from a billy cart going downhill into a penguin reserve it's not good but it's an improvement i think the the confronting thing to me is the imagery here because essentially the top of the helicopter is a chainsaw already so now you have a chainsaw sandwich with somebody precariously dangling between it's really the
Starting point is 00:26:21 world's most dangerous or a boris it's chainsaws all the way down what i really liked about again this story is everything you say is exactly right it sounds terrifying it sounds like something out of a transformer movie or something or uh and then the the main complaint made against them is they didn't have the right permits right so so it's not that it's really dangerous and terrifying it's the fact that they hadn't applied for the correct permits which really just shows you how far bureaucracy has come that that just saying it's it's really dangerous people might die isn't enough it has to have some kind of bureaucratic reason to be able to stop it it's called the hilly saw by the way because of
Starting point is 00:27:02 course it is and the hilly saw yeah it it's in trouble because they've been using it to chop trees and the California Fire says that falling limbs could hurt hikers. We're assuming they mean tree limbs rather than Texas Chainsaw Massacre limbs. James? The other massive problem with it is that what they seem to have forgotten as part of this plan is that when you cut the branches off the trees they fall to the ground and that causes a build-up of branches which means that this measure actually increased the fire risk so what they have done is not made the ground safer from fires
Starting point is 00:27:40 but made the sky much much more dangerous if that's how you were planning to flee the fires. Made the sky more dangerous. It's brilliant. Because weren't they really, they were really, that's right, they were sort of championing themselves by saying we can do in a day what a conventional crew can do in a month or more, which includes the amount of fires they can start.
Starting point is 00:28:00 I mean, I'm devastated that this has not yet been used in a bank robbery. I feel this kind of invention ought to be used in a bank robbery. You need a helicopter with the chainsaw to take the roof off and then a helicopter with like a big plumbing suction thing to lift the roof off. And then a third helicopter where people can rappel off down into the bank and then lift up the safe. That just that's just re-riffing that's just my first thought we could we could brainstorm this and do better i'm sure this is what makes me think there is a hidden legend in this story which is the person who had put eight circular
Starting point is 00:28:36 swords together and tied them to a helicopter and the boss of this company was like why in the good lord did you do that? And they said, it's for safety, and then decided to work it out from there. Also, why did they start with eight? You think they'd start with like one? Like one, they've gone, we're going to do it. If we're going to do it, we're going to do it proper. Let's get eight of these bastards.
Starting point is 00:29:01 I mean, it is a very American thing. Although, imagine how efficient the french revolution would have been if they had this kind of equipment just run it through a crowd of aristocrats instead of waving that flag about and singing all those songs yeah exactly now it's time for our bj's section james collie you're wearing a yellow shirt you're our bj's correspondent please tell us this story i told you i was that correspondent in confidence this is a sad example of life imitating art and by art i mean my fan fiction about jerry seinfeld's b movie so it turns out
Starting point is 00:29:38 that bees cannot sweat they are somewhat the prince and of the animal kingdom, claims to be royalty, deserves to die. And knowing that bees cannot sweat... Can you hit the politics bell on that, Ted? Knowing that they cannot sweat, a major problem in bee production now is that bees in heat waves die. And die is too generous a term they die in a way that i would say prince andrew deserves for example in which their reproductive organs exploded out their bodies and the article that describes this includes a photo of the scene to which i might ask if i am ever so lucky to die by having my reproductive organs explode out of my body please do not photograph
Starting point is 00:30:26 the scene just know i died happy this is terrible news because we need bees and bees are naturally nature's edges they should never orgasm at all they suffer what the french call the little death except the french say it in french because they're french and bees should never have this if bees are coming they're going that's what I always say I always say that no matter the situation but the question posed by this story is could styrofoam help could styrofoam help bees exploding out of their genitals in a heat wave which is the kind of question you ask when all you have is styrofoam and you'd love to offload some styrofoam. The whole world is a nail and all you have is styrofoam. I've done it
Starting point is 00:31:13 before. You unpack a few things and all of a sudden your house is filled with styrofoam and you want to be environmentally friendly. So you're saying, hey, maybe this will stop bees from jizzing themselves to death. And I have to say, no, it won't. You just need to find a new thing to do with your styrofoam. I'm very sorry to you and to the bees. That's all the time we have for that story. And it brings us to the end of the show. We're flipping through the ads at the back.
Starting point is 00:31:37 Pippa Evans, have you got anything to plug? Oh, gosh. Why don't you just follow me on Twitter? Because sometimes I say things on there. I am Pippa Evans, and then you might find something I'm doing. Brilliant. And James Colley, have you got anything to plug? If you're sick of your podcast not lasting for five hours,
Starting point is 00:31:54 check out my five-hour podcast, The Colley Problem, or if you would like one that does not last for five hours, we also do Vanity Project, where myself and comedian Bridie Connell review celebrity vanity albums. Excellent you can find me online at at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram that's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E
Starting point is 00:32:12 I've also got a Patreon, patreon.com slash Alice Fraser, it's a one stop shop for all of my standout specials, podcasts and blogs as well as my weekly Tea with Alice salons where we all sit in a Zoom room and have a chat like I'm doing now but you pay me. And I am on tour. I will be in Melbourne, Perth, and then in London in June and July and Edinburgh in
Starting point is 00:32:32 August. So if you're in any of those places, come and see me. Probably follow me on Twitter because I don't keep my website updated. A big thank you to our roving reporters this week. If you would like to send a story into the gargle, send it to us on Twitter at HelloGarglers. This is a Bugle Podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle,
Starting point is 00:32:59 including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.

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