The Gargle - Brain chip | Sandwich | Vulva

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Tiff Stevenson and Charlie George join host Alice Fraser for episode 14 of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🧠 Elon Musk brain chip🥪 Stupid massive sandwich({}) Unidentified vulva parts 🎨 Invisible sculpture sold☀️ Sun's return reviewedCatch Tiff's Stevenson's Tiny Revolutions in your pod feed now.This is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. nine rings were gifted to the race of man who, above all else, desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for another thing was made. Deep in the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, this is the gargle. The glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper of visual world, the spin-off nobody asked for, all the news, none of the politics. Welcome to the show. Your guests this week are both regular contributors and favourites of the show.

Tiff Stevenson, welcome. Hello, hi. Buongiorno. Buongiorno. You're in Italy, are you? Scotland via Italy with Scottish Italians. Odd mixes of identity and ethnicity make me feel like we live in the future. Oh my god you're gonna love me then. Speaking of people I love welcome to the show Charlie George. Hello all right I'm

staring in awe at the juice that I've got on my side. I'm very excited about being energised and pepped for the gargle today. On the front page of this week's edition of The Gargle is Boris Johnson's marriage to Carrie Simmons, all the behind-the-scenes news of the wedding from Flower Crown to Power Clown, and why she's decided to change her name to Carrie Johnson, which just sounds like a euphemism for a sex thing. It's like a penis in a sedan chair. Like, that's how you would carry Johnson.

And the satirical cartoon this week is a picture of Naomi Osaka not doing any press, which is to say it's just a picture of a lonely tennis racket being insulted by middle-aged bloggers who couldn't hit a ball if it insulted their wife in a fancy restaurant. Also inside this week's magazine, the Catholic Church has just criminalised the sexual abuse of adults and the other things that are more than a thousand years overdue. As well as NASA to launch baby squid to International Space Station. What did the squid do? We speculate. That brings us to section one of the magazine, our science section. And this is our story, which is Elon Musk has

announced that his Neuralink brain chip will end language in five to 10 years which is just such great news because then in five to ten years we won't have to hear Elon Musk saying things like this anymore. Musk's been on the reefer again because did he say this on was it on Joe Rogan I think that mentioned that in the article right and I just find it so weird like the certainty that these men have of their hypothesis of the future. Like, you know, I used to make up a language, me and my sister at Bible study, to covertly communicate our rebellious desires. And like, just because I don't have the money to throw behind that, you know, I'll never know if it has any legs behind Swindon's Kingdom Hall. You know, like I just it just has to stop there. But he gets to try all this stuff out. Did you have a secret language as a kid, you you know where you kind of would hide the words yeah backslang

but it was just like a verger so it would be like of a guy of a gams but the geek of a gang but the gags of a gang and it was great because if you didn't tell anyone how it worked you'd just split the words and uh stick it in the middle and I mean I think it's pretty easy to work out but you know look we needed a way to communicate with each other it was either that or handwritten notes of who we fancied so yeah I appreciate any made-up language the great thing about Elon Musk is that he will consistently say these kind of things and then continue to say them despite the fact that he's said things like this before that haven't come true like he promised that at this point we would all be

going around in driverless cars for example or that we would be on mars or that you know again i really want to just like get inside the head of the dude bro phenomenon where you're like imagine feeling that the answers to life are being funneled to you directly because you're a wealthy entrepreneur or you do martial arts. Like, it's just, like, maybe, like, you're just like, yes, everything that's coming. And also it's like, do we need this, like, you know, it's like we don't want to speak anymore using traditional languages.

I'm like, I love traditional languages, you know. I enjoy shouting at Duolingo or, like, pacing up and down outside a cafe in Paris, like, panicking about how to say croissant, which I still don't think I can say. You know, like I enjoy that. I don't want like a single language. It's saying it will end language in five to 10 years. Just try living with someone for 10 years. Language will disappear and just be replaced by a series of grunts. That's what happens sometimes in the morning with me and Paul. By a series of grunts.

That's what happens. Sometimes in the morning with me and Paul, our butts have a conversation before we do. Like we can communicate in farts before we even get to that. This is what I found interesting, that the Neuralink chip acts like a Fitbit in the skull. So if this happens, people are obsessively going to be counting how many words they've said in a day.

Like I've got to do 10,000. Who's going to start getting into overly verbose arguments to get your word count up like oh you're overconfident vulgar with an irritating voice that sounds like a cat shitting needles whilst on steroids i wouldn't touch that blamonji carcass with a shit covered barge pole which is a long response to someone telling you to smile but you get my point i'm gonna be working on it you're making it sound good now I mean this is the thing about about Elon Musk and this type of entrepreneur is that they have achieved some incredible things in the world it's just they're constantly compelled to big up the stuff that they haven't done and I

feel like that's a that's a very frustrating place to be I feel like it's a you know being incapable of accepting your own actual achievements because you're constantly reaching for really dumb sci-fi achievements that are never going to happen. Yeah, because like, no offence to Mr. Musk, but he's not known for his brilliant communication skills. Unless, of course, you know, he's trying to track down an actress he wants to marry in which case I think he's got like really, really great success in that. But like they are what I like to say kind of didn't they like try this? It was published on like, what was it? A YouTube channel called Monkey Mind Pong. Sounds amazing.

And I mean like if a monkey playing ping pong is the benchmark for success of something, which I think it should be, I think like, you know, maybe we should refer to that when measuring like all communication, if it goes well. Like, yeah, we were like two monkeys playing ping pong, you know, there's a real flow to it, you know, good, good back and forth, bit of a rally, you know. It's yeah, but like, like Charlie says, that's what makes life fun. We don't want everyone to

get each other all the time. What fun would that be? I like the miscommunications that can happen when you're badly interpreting language, or shouting at someone in a restaurant, chorizo, rather than chorizo. But yeah, there's something exciting and wonderful about travel and language. If I were not able to interpret the letter of the law against the spirit of the law, my life would be a lot less interesting than it is. I just want to be able to pretend

that I don't understand stuff sometimes. And I think that that's really useful. You know, it's like someone's telling me about their personal history I see all the red flags but I'm just I'm just gonna have a good time anyway like you know that for me is a lot of what communication is isn't it but I'm like I was saying the wrong thing and like you know so like if there could be a filter in the chip to sort of protect you from saying embarrassing things in front of your family sort of like exercising a ping a ping pong paddle of self-restraint. Like that would be good if they could add that bit.

But like actually isn't the attentions for this like connected to like dementia and... A foot in mouth clause. A foot in mouth clause would be great. But like I think the attentions are like quite sweet, aren't they? But again, it's totally what you're saying, Alice. It's like that overreaching of like, I can cure Alzheimer's with this chip. And I'm like, what do the scientists who aren't high on a podcast have to say about this like have you asked them like it is that beautiful thing of of a human overreach when actually

engineering and science is the process of very small incremental studies no one likes gradual improvement Alice that's true it doesn't work very well at those kind of like um apple launch presentations where you're in a roll neck and you have to sort of like oh like drop bombs in your kind of dad sneakers like you have to kind of impress everybody don't you have to say something mega like I can help really awkward it's socially inept people stop clamming up in conversations how am I going to do that I'm going to put a chip inside their brain who knew that it would come from Elon Musk though rather than Bill Gates we all thought the brain chip was going to come from Bill Gates so in some ways this is surprising news it's a curveball yeah I mean it would be

weird to go for a divorce and then bring out a chip for good communication. Actually, maybe that would be perfect. I mean, yeah, that'd be a real long game if he and Melinda Gates were only breaking up in order to synthesise their new communication brain chip. Your ad section now, because none of us really know whether the market tells us what we want or whether consumer demand really is to blame for all of the ills created by capitalism. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by advertising. Advertising, an industry full of people whose kink is faking their own orgasms. And the gargle is brought to you by electrolyte sports drinks. Essentially, we've sugared up your own sweat and suspended it in half a glass of

water for your consumption. Electrolyte sports drinks, better than a glass of chocolate milk, despite studies showing that a glass of chocolate milk is as effective for muscle recovery and rehydration, purely because after a long run, I would rather drink sweat than milk. Ha ha ha ha! Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. has its steroid era curling has broom gate it's a story of broken relationships houses divided corporate rivalry and a performance enhancing broom it was a year i'd like to forget broom gate available now a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com now it's time for your food section your food section this week is about a massive pointless

philadelphia cheese steak uh tiff you're the one of us who's most recently been in america can you This week is about a massive, pointless Philadelphia cheesesteak. Tiff, you're the one of us who's most recently been in America. Can you explain this story? Well, is the pandemic over then? That could be the only reason that this shit is happening again. Coming out of lockdown is going to be amazing for this year's edition of Ripley's Believe It or Not. Someone in Philadelphia, Rene, owner of Rim Cafe, has made the longest Philly cheesesteak in the world, breaking the previous record of 480 feet.

So he's done a 510-foot-long cheesesteak. Okay, what is a cheesesteak, first out of the gate, Tiff? I think it's steak with cheese on top of it. And I think a Philly cheesesteak has some kind of bell pepper and onion. I'm not sure. I can't be certain. All I know is I looked at the photos and it's just foot-long subs laid end to end, which I think is just,

it would have been more impressive if they'd have rolled out dough and blow torched like a massive long, it's just a bunch of sandwiches it's like somebody saying they have a 12 inch penis when they've just stuck a dildo on their at the end of their own penis yeah yeah quite the same hey don't knock that that's a fine thing to do when they bake the world's biggest cookie it wasn't a bunch of small cookies tipped out on the floor it was one cookie the size of a football pitch and using this metric I've done the longest gig in the world by counting my Edinburgh shows

back to back I may be overly concerned about all of this but it feels right to get this annoyed about a cheesesteak I don't know well so this is the other thing that is confronting to me is that it's not even a consistent thing they haven't made it from the same batch they've brought in chefs from all around the world the chef who was in charge renee said we had brazilian we had australian we had chinese they made ravioli cheesesteak i never saw it in my life so it's not even one batch that has been laid end to end it's just a bunch of people who've put their sandwiches close to each other yeah from a cafe called rim which is just worrying isn't it so like i mean it's a cute story of like breaking bread post-isolation i think by

the end isn't it but i've personally always hated sandwiches like i associate them with church and death like they're just like so i genuinely thought it was a steak i was really excited and then because you know and then it's just sandwiches plus that you know they're always like really dry or moist and this is going to be like what left out for ages on a massive trestle table like the only thing worse than a sandwich i think is a volavant like that's the only thing drier i basically just don't trust stuff with a filling like i'm like what are you hiding just get it open out in the open like a pizza or something i feel like there is such a thing as a good sandwich, but most sandwiches are just trying to solve a Rubik's Cube

of three competing textures, one of which is wet lettuce. Yeah, it's either too dry or too damp, which is not what you want. Guys, guys, you've got to just have it fresh. That's the main thing. You can't, no sandwich is good once it's been in sweaty cling film. Yes, but that defeats the point of the sandwich. That's the main thing. You can't, no sandwich is good once it's been in sweaty cling film. Yes, but that defeats the point of the sandwich. Like if you have to have it fresh, then it loses the point of the sandwiches,

which is that you can have it later. If you're going to have it fresh, you might as well just have a real meal, you know? Well, I don't know. I kind of enjoy the idea of the sandwich. I just don't like the microclimate of the sweaty piece of cling film that goes around it. That just, you know, I'm a tinfoil wrapper for sandwiches, actually. I find that that keeps the air out, but also stops them getting soggy. So that's my preferred. Getting very specific now into my sandwich likes.

I didn't see any foil or cling film on this sandwich and it was left out there but apparently it didn't last very long so you know we're talking about it you know going dodgy like it was taking a journey on a bus but i think it just went from the rim cafe to the table right and apparently they said didn't they say less than one hour it got eaten which is insane considering how long it was i like to think that they all just went to the table put their hands behind their back and just ate it like they were a trough that i would find at least that would be an event that would be a spectacle competitive eating they're good at that and that brings us to the end of our section two which means it's time for our reviews so each of our esteemed guests has brought in

something to review out of five stars tiffiff Stevenson, what have you brought in? Well, I've had many teenage awakenings. So I'm going to, when I say teenage awakenings, I mean sexual awakenings. So I'm going to review one of them here. And it is the Jean-Claude Van Damme dance scene from the movie Kickboxer. Yes. It's a big one. Now, for those that haven't seen this, who've not had the pleasure of seeing this,

the film Kickboxer is essentially where Jean-Claude Van Damme is on a mission to avenge his brother's broken back. He stepped on a crack. Something bad happened. Anyway, so this scene happens midway through sort of training. Jean-Claude Van Damme is going to fight this geezer called Tong Po, who's a Muay Thai champ and the owner of a solo man plait. All shaved off, just one long plait down the back of his head. And the guy's pretty hard. I would say harder than Charles Bronson under a pile of Sudoku.

He's hard. He's hard, yeah. He's hard. He's hard. Yeah, he's hard. So Jean-Claude Van Damme has to go through a series of like training montages. We've already had those. They're pretty exciting. To avenge his brother. And his brother is straight up awful in this film.

So he gets binned off after like 10 minutes. And we get to focus on the Belgian buns for the rest of the film. So it's very, very exciting. So yeah, Belgian buns for the rest of the film so it's very very exciting so yeah we're about two thirds of the way in and the dance fight happens so everything about this sequence is glorious from the outfit to the execution we've got

he's in he's wearing chinos and cowboy boots which are smashing together of styles but up top it's not just the bottom half up top something spectacular is happening it's a vest which at the back is shaped like a thong i don't know if there's any other way to describe it so she knows cowboy boots thong vest um like a racer racer back yeah it's a racer back but it it's thinner. It's so thin.

It's like the birth of like back arse. I don't know. It's like, it's awesome. And then at the front, like it's very low. It's like more man cleavage on display than an episode of Love Island, right? So, oh, that's not to mention the front of the vest also has braces on it to hold up the chinos. So it's a vest braces chinos cowboy boots

and and the chinos are so high there's a strong possibility he may cause infertility so high in time so basically that's the outfit right so i'm setting the scene they're in a bar he's out with his trainer they start downinging shots. And then the guy who's training him asks if he likes to dance American disco. Right. This is in 1989. So it just goes to show how far behind Thailand was in 1989 that they're doing American disco almost into the 90s. But then the music accompanying this sequence is like pure early 80s so it's not 70s it's not american disco but they're gonna dance american disco it's kind of more like it's sort of mid 80s you know like dave coverdale having sex with a pair of leg warmers in the back of a ford escort that kind of 80s right and i feel like mere words can't do this scene justice. But what happens next is his hips are like grinding harder than a barista on a zero hours contract.

Like imagine your dad at a wedding after a couple of shandies, but with more confidence. There's clapping, there's spinning, there's winking. And finally the splits. Yes. Like he does the splits. Yes. The famous Jean-Claude van damme splits there is nothing harder than a man who can kick himself in his own head

if you could just do that after sex and then that would be great we don't have to have that awkward conversation that elon musk is trying to get rid of he's doing the splits it's good times it's good times. It's good times. In spite of being super drunk, he's got like the strength and focus of a Geordie Shore girl who wants a kebab at 3am. It's, you know, he's in it. He's having a great time. And then he begins to fight drunken guys in the bar, incorporating the dance moves. It's the best fight dancing since West Side Story. Why we're denied this art form it's the fusion of disco and muay thai incredible it was wrong but it was also right and i'm giving it a full teenage sexual awakening of four horns out of five if you've not seen it go watch it

and charlie what have you brought in? Hot, hard and infertile. Yeah, my favourite. My favourite. That's what I look for. Okay, so today I'm reviewing The Sun. Oh, yeah. The near-perfect sphere of hot plasm has decided to return after its extended holiday to the dark side of the moon.

Some say it's never out when we want it to be. Others say it's always late. Some haters question, why does it take so many holidays in a year, getting its shit supply teacher, the rain cloud, to cover for it. Many display more gratitude for this approximately 4.6 billion-year-old star, known for being hot and dense, which is also the most popular search term on the dating app Hinge. Our love of being burned knows no bounds.

The sun's also known for its great mood-boosting properties, causing people to spontaneously take their shoes off and declare, I have a life outside of work! Only a fraction of society's most unsatisfied beings still find a way to complain about the sun, calling it too hot, a narcissist that demands nudity, and an ice cream melting productivity killer. I'm actually a big fan of the sun's searing campaign to slow the means of production. Also, stop whining and find some shade. If you can't stand

the heat, get out of the garden. If you don't have a garden, what are you doing in my garden? It feels weird giving a giant star a star rating, so I'd say 4.8 suns for the sun. Hey. Now, of course, it is time for our vagina section, or flap chat, as I like to call it. Oh, yes. A survey of patients in hospital waiting rooms was directed in order to try and understand the concerns and needs of patients, but discovered that nearly 40% of people have no idea what bits are what and where they're meant to be.

Tiff Stevenson, I'm so glad that you are here. Charlie George, I'm so glad that you are here. Would you like to explain this story? Okay. Well, apparently, according to The the guardian this is where the piece appeared most britons cannot name all parts of the vulva the survey reveals and apparently neither could the guardian who put up a picture of the female reproductive system which is not definitely not the vulva i think they changed the picture later on but apparently nearly 40 of people mislabeled the clitoris regardless of their gender um so it was just

40 of people couldn't find the clitoris the search for the clitoris is it's kind of like the search for the weapons of mass destruction men are certain it exists but they're angry that they can't find it and innocent people will die. So I feel like this is not surprising to me. This is in no way surprising. Here's the main thing, I think. I'll express this. I don't think the names we have are very sexy. You know, like we need better names for female body parts

because Mons Pubis sounds like a french restaurant that moira rose would go to or someone in the star wars galactic senate like here's mons pubis and like it's labia minora labia majora labia sifri perineum perineum perineum perineum perineum and vagina so uh urethra i've missed out the urethra i think that's covered the entire isn't urethra what you say missed out the urethra. I think that's covered the entire... Isn't urethra what you say when you get into a bath and suddenly understand the displacement of water? Yeah, they're not great names. It does have to do with the displacement of water, I'm pretty sure. It does, it does. But when they attempted the labelling, I like that they commented that like almost half left, just left the section blank. I mean, at least like at least have a go.

Like you could always make something up like kids do in exams, you know, like the eye of Sauron, the tunnel of love, you know, like just get creative, you know, make something up. And also one of the things I found quite weird was it said white ethnicity. I mean, this is such a annoying thing to say. White ethnicity and higher levels of education were also associated with greater anatomical knowledge and i'm like are we sure white dudes doing phds aren't just learning this from going out with women of color and not crediting them like is that i mean this raises the question of what this is what this kind of survey is going to look like in 10 years when the neural link chip has replaced all language It'll just be point the bit.

You can't figure out where you're meant to touch. I think you have to just get a little map out. Like it's basically the diagrams are wrong, isn't it? What we need is more like sort of like a map, you know, like Pirates of the Perineum, like, you know, and it's all kind of tea stained and brilliant. And it's got like all the little tributaries and journeys to the, I don't know, to the holes, I guess, the three holes.

The three holes. I mean, when we go the three holes I mean then when we describe it like that you're like okay now I've just totally dehumanized myself there's got to be something nicer like the three holes like the three sisters the three weird sisters the journey to the holes it's just so great but because of my religious upbringing right i wasn't allowed to stay in the it was really poor i don't know about your sex education but it's really poor at our school anyway but i wasn't allowed to stay in the room because of our religious upbringing so there was a rumor going around bible study that masturbation was rubbing your inner ear at one point like i could have done with a diagram because i used to get a lot of cotton buds stuck

in my ears trying to come okay the most disturbing part of this story for me was Dina El-Hammamsi, who is a senior obstetrics and gynecology registrar who works at Addenbrookes Hospital in Cambridge, saying a lot of women don't understand the difference between urinary incontinence and a prolapse. and a prolapse. If there are any men or women listening to this, or anybody who happens to ever need to know this, the difference is, urinary incontinence is when a bit of wee comes out, and a prolapse is where a bit of you comes out. It's where you go inside out. It is a terrifyingly large difference between those two things. Yes. I guess it just shows how much there's a lack of research around all of this stuff like I do think it's off-putting when we um I think the latin terms for things are confusing I I used to I could share this with you I used to do like role play for the institute of uh gynecology and obstetricians as in they got actors in to act out scenarios where they would come and do their

exams and basically you were given a sheet with a bunch of symptoms so like you're pregnant with twins or you know you can't get pregnant a lot of it was around pregnancy and they had to ask you questions and but you get people from around the world so obviously there's the medical terms for things and then there's like colloquialisms and people are trying to do sort of bedside manner but one man just ended up shouting at me you have a broken pussy over and over again and I was like I cannot possibly pass you in this exam like you may have all of the knowledge but I just don't know that any woman wants that shouted at her oh my god that's amazing and one of those things where you have to you have to play parts I thought you were going to say you had to dress as a massive you know vagina or something but yeah that would have been fun like a tickle tickle me Elmo but tickle me clitoris so like a giant you

got to find it it's like where's Wally I don't know role play more like whole play am I right very wrong I apologize it's just upsetting isn't it that they're all about reproductive stuff and I think that's the issue isn't it my friend's like retrained as like a doula and she's like really into like birth stuff and I've been learning things from her of like you know just how bad like reproductive health care and women's health care in general is in terms of like you know people's understanding or care about it but it seems that it's all focused on like your reproductive stuff but nothing about the you know the pleasure organs which is what I think we should just call them let's just group them together and then like come up with like really pleasurable

fun names for the bits you know because I guess we're just not looking at them in like a sexual context but then i don't think we do that with dudes bits either on the diagram which i also wasn't allowed to look at you know first time i saw first time i saw a penis was i was playing video games with my friend and he just opened his trousers and i was like what do you think again the necessity to just whop it out and then like get people's opinions on it that's a very male like it just seems like a very male thing to do just i've got a friend that we we we called uh one one step one step 10 gaffs because he would like he didn't know the steps in between so he was on a date with a girl once. And it's awful now.

I'm saying it now like laughing. But she was like, was talking about the fact that her father had recently died. And they were having like this very, like it was a first date. Like they were having this very kind of deep conversation. I think it was at his house. And she turned around to get a tissue out the bag. And then turned back. He just had it out. She turned back around like, and I don't know how you think that is the moment when someone has emotionally made themselves open. And it's like kind of in the middle of grief to just go, what about this now?

This is, so that's why we call it step one, step 10. There's no in between steps. There's just no dick out to dick out. Incredible. Well, my sex ed was a CD-ROM called Encarta 2000 that had a diagram of the female body and a diagram of the male body. And you could click on the bits and a voice would say the names of the bits.

So I spent many an entertaining hour with my brother and his friends listening to the sweet, sweet sounds of penis, penis, vagina, vagina. That sounds really fun. It was great fun. Hours of entertainment. That's all the time we have for Flap Chat because now it's time for our final section of this week's magazine,

Art News. And this is my favorite kind of art news made up art for fake money or real money in this instance an italian artist has sold an invisible sculpture for real money so this is sort of the opposite of an nft but also definitely exactly what an nft is uh an artist called salvatore garao has sold his latest invisible sculpture for 18 000 you get a certification that this is a sculpture that you have bought charlie george you understand nonsense what's happening here i do but like you know 18 grand for a certificate i mean that's pretty steep it's basically like it's better than a university degree. Am I right? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

I just kind of, I don't know, my first thoughts were like, oh, you know, it's like Lionel Richie's head, but in your dreams, you know. And if anyone would like to buy my dream drawings, they're really good. I mean, they don't exist, but, you know, you can buy them. I just think it's the wankiest thing imaginable. I think the last time I was on, we were talking about imaginary horse racing, and now we've got imaginary art that you can have I mean I've got quite bare walls in my place and I'm always talking about getting art but I do think that buying art is really expensive so maybe if I just spoke about the concept I've bought the concept of an art piece that's really great and just described it to people you know I don't exist therefore I am

I imagine therefore I am I mean and that's what the work was titled it was called I am and it doesn't exist except in the artist's imagination what I really liked about this is I think um I think the guy who was selling it or it was kind of someone who was reporting on it described um it works in any light and I was like yeah because it's not real sort of taking conceptual art to its ultimate logical conclusion in that it is art that is just a concept uh and i'm really annoyed about this because it's it's stymied my idea of just publishing a coffee table book which is just descriptions of pictures that aren't there on the other side it's very magrete isn't it i mean arguably all podcasting is just a description

of pictures that aren't there what's magrete tiff magrete is the artist who the surrealist who did the sunipan peep so it was a painting of of a pipe and then underneath it just said sunipan peep as in this is not a pipe this is a painting of a pipe so it's quite fun if you're in a gallery and you see someone looking at any of the magretes that uh that have the this is not underneath if you just lean in their ear and go this is not a magrete and it's a really fun joke that no one will get and people will look at you my favorite art experience is going to super modern art galleries and watching people look at things that are wall experience is going to super modern art galleries and watching people look at things that are wall fittings but they think they're art yeah that would happen all

the time in the tape I've definitely probably been staring at a wall fitting for too long but I just imagine the person who's bought this right and like they're the type of person that you know you probably end up accidentally going back to their place right and then they're like just showing you their certificate and then describing you their imagined artwork and you'd be really annoyed at them for that it's like the worst you know it'd be worse than if they serenaded you with guitar it's just like I'm going to talk to you about my imaginary sculpture now it's just so bright. I like the idea that there's just the certificate which was mentioned the owner of the invisible sculptures gets a certificate of the guarantee of the sculpture's authenticity and the buyer's stupidity like i get it like what is art worth apart from the value we put on it it's sort of satirizing that but also f**k off

yeah it's like would you like to see my certificate they're selling the space around the sculpture. That was what he said. He said he was, the successful outcome of the auction testifies to an irrefutable fact. The void is nothing but a space full of energy. And even if we empty it and nothing remains,

according to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, that nothingness has weight. It therefore has an energy that condenses and transforms itself into particles. In short, in us. Very existential. This is a language of a man who will be able to try and talk his way out of shitting in your kitchen sink. That brings us to the end of our show. And now we are flipping through the ads and classifieds

at the back of the magazine. A few singles advertisements here. Sexy boomer man who doesn't know how to use the internet seeks same for friendship and fun. No tire kickers. And lonely lady looking for a sugar patriarch. Much like a sugar daddy but more dignified and ideally in charge of a dynasty of warring siblings

she can manoeuvre out of the will later down the line with a well-placed sensual boob on the ageing head. Charlie, George, where can people find you online? You can find me online on Instagram and Facebook at CharlieGeorgeComedy and on Twitter at CGDoesComedy. I'm doing some work-in-progress triple bill shows called Funny Femmes. Three brown women for the price of one white man post a Me Too scandal over the summer.

And another classified ad, which is loose spirit looking for somebody to inhabit. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. And that Tiff, have you got anywhere that people should find you or hunt you down or see you in real life? Yeah, you can come find me on Twitter and I'm doing some tour shows. I'll be in Brighton in June and Newcastle, Edinburgh, Glasgow. Buy tickets.

I've done no, I don't have a tour promoter and I've done no PR because they were moved about three times and I just rescheduled them so I should this is my PR this is my PR buy tickets genuinely it's so hard to do PR because everything gets cancelled and you know people go into lockdown and it's very stressful so buy tickets to people's shows if you see anybody plugging anything like go out of your way to to hunt it down don't wait to hear about it three times as they say like just go and and go and see live comedy as much as you possibly can because comedians desperately need it speaking of which i will be doing the bondi festival at in sydney on the 9th and 10th of july i think probably that sounds about right. Google it. This is The Gargle. The editor of This Gargle is Ped Hunter.

The executive producer is Chris Skinner. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production, and I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.