The Gargle - Burglar bear | HAGOW | Farting Teslas

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

Tiff Stevenson and Nabil Abdulrashid join host Alice Fraser for episode 50 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🐻 Big burglar bear🚔 Prison audition🚰 HAGOW news💨 Farting Teslas👰🏼 Reviews📖 Plus a little something... Produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. before the flood. He went on a long journey, was weary, worn out with labour. Returning, he rested and listened to The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugles audio newspaper for a visual world. Welcome to The Gargle. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition are Nabil Abdul-Rashid and Tiff Stevenson. Welcome. Hello. I'm waving. Oh, I wish I'd have done that. The bill showed guns and I just waved. Here's my guns. This is an audio podcast. I know, but that's why I'm describing it,

for what they're missing out on. There's no show like this gun show, honestly. It's the NRA right now. We're overjoyed. Mine's less of a gun show and more of a bingo wing exhibition. You're wearing animal print, so I feel like that's its own form of aggression. We're going to plunge into the magazine, but first let's have a look at the front cover.

The front cover model this week is Millie Bobby Brown, celebrating her 18th birthday by making an ew face at all the dudes celebrating her 18th birthday. Seriously, what is that weird shit? I think it makes you seem more creepy to time your permission to masturbate over a young woman until she's quote unquote legal. Tiff, how do you feel about that? How do I feel? You know how I feel. You know how I feel about things like Barely Legal, about things like barely legal barely legal magazine barely legal strip club call them what they actually are almost pedo if you called them that they'd think twice before going in and i've always said look if you're necrophiliac you don't get to have a magazine called nearly cadaver hanging on by a thread

weekly i don't understand what this nearly barely is i don't like it i'm not into it you should not want to be like on the edge of is this league is it legal like that shouldn't be a that shouldn't be a question yeah yeah i just don't i just don't get that particular vibe nabil do you understand the counting down till someone turns 18 other than as a way to make yourself throw up if you've just eaten poison i will say i mean i just don't get it i remember there was a time when there was this fetish for the catholic school uniform i mean i always thought that was a bit of a red flag you know i think a lot of that came over from japan i didn't even know catholicism was big in japan but that's a discussion for another day um you know I find the barely legal thing just...

I think the only reason barely legal should exist is for police to monitor the people that consume barely legal content of any sort, like most likely to settle out of court. That's what it says. Barely legal is if I did want to kill someone, where could I buy a gun from? That's what it says. I don't understand. Like, they're not even pretending to be normal.

How does it exist? How? What's more is this? Like, I mean, some people make the argument for like, oh, well, is it 18 or 21? Because years ago it was. I don't know. Whatever country you're in, stay away from the barely legal age. I think I think consent should be relative, right?

I think it should be like, if you're 21, then 19. If you're 25, then she has to be 22. I think having just one size fits all legal age is creepy because dudes could be 45 and they're like, hey, she's legal. It doesn't compute. I think the official what guys say the official calculation is half your age plus seven and even then the half your age makes it sound

wrong till you add the seven i ramble because i have daughters and they're gonna look old for their age so it's something i'm very sensitive about very sensitive fairly legal is only good if it's on your tax return. Anyone else's tax return a problem. The satirical cartoon this week is a swathe of people who've spent weeks having opinions about Russia invading Ukraine completely revising their opinions without backing down from their previous contradictory opinions.

The energy created by the cognitive dissonance is fuelling a clean energy power plant, so that's nice. previous contradictory opinions. The energy created by the cognitive dissonance is fueling a clean energy power plant, so that's nice. Now into the magazine, we begin with a crime section, Big Burglar Bear News. This is the story of Hank the Tank, a bear in Lake Tahoe who's been breaking into houses. All of the ingredients for a fairy tale. Tiff Stevenson, can you unpack this story yeah we have to be more specific because i have some friends who wear leather and are very hirsute and they would never break into someone's house those bears are not burglars but hank hank the

tank as he's named is a huge uh i believe brown bear who's broken into dozens of homes near lake tahoe good on him hulking his way through fences and breaking in windows. Like he's a bear. He's not going through the trash. This is sophisticated B&E business. So breaking and entering. So Hank the Bear, a huge, huge bear. Never have you sounded more like your Cockney roots, Tiff,

than having the slang for breaking and entering. It's sophisticated B&e business that's what i'm saying um and and so the the full story is and and it sounds like nabil has has more detail on it but um i i only saw the outcome the outcome was that we would need to trap this bear or possibly euthanize him and which i say that this f*** that. This bear is an outlaw. You cannot do that. We need wanted posters. We need to have him in a shootout with Sam Elliott. We need him to win and head into the sunset

on horseback gripping a salmon steak. I'm for this bear. He needs catchphrases. Like if they surround him, he can say bear with me or he can be toting a gun and say, I have the right to bear arms. I'm into this bear I think we definitely they cannot they absolutely cannot kill this bear I mean maybe you guys can

make the case for it but I just think let him live yeah I mean I think this bear is clearly a political activist and revolutionary getting reparations for Goldilocks took from his people, and I cannot order the death of a revolutionary. I stand in solidarity. He's a bear of colour. He's a brown one as well. They wouldn't try to kill a polar bear, so I'm sorry, I can't have it. Solidarity.

I feel like the untold hero of the Goldilocks story is Mama Bear, who presumably had to make a porridge at three different temperatures because of her ungrateful family. The intersectionality of all the issues when it comes to Goldilocks and the three bears, you know. Patriarchy in there, colonialism. You see, this is why democracy doesn't work.

This is why democracy doesn't work. This is why democracy doesn't work because all of us agree that Hank the Tank should not be punished for his breaking and entering and stealing and things, and he's a 300-pound bear, he's breaking into people's homes. Democracy doesn't work because we would all vote for Hank the Tank to be able to continue his activities unchecked.

But the moment he broke into our house, I think we'd be all for euthanizing the bear give him a room give him let him have a room i mean come on i'm just trying to imagine calling the police and telling them that you're being robbed by a bear like you don't be robbed by a bear man or you'll be robbed by a bear man how many no no no not this time a bear you idiot I'm being robbed by a bear man you know he's a bear thief that's so London yeah he's you can't believe it he's a bear thief imagine if there was three or four then there would be bear bears at your house bear squared Bear squared. He literally smashed in a window, though. That is, it's not, because my friend Steve,

who does listen to the podcast, at his place out in Connecticut, they sometimes, like, will get a bear in the yard, in the garden, and it's like, that's why if you barbecue or whatever, the smell of fish, like, wafting on the wind, they come out from the woods. So they can

make their way around but this is the very specific thing of this story is this is someone who's not afraid of people and just connects people to food so he's this bear has come to trust people and that's why i feel like we can't you can't take this bear out this bear is like you know he sees us as being not as people as the food source but just like our fridges yeah probably people feed him yeah have you seen that picture of the bear there's a really cute picture of a bear again this is in connecticut if you go and look online for this it's amazing and and again my friend steve sent it to me there's a picture of a bear up on its little tiny teeny tippy toes it looks like a ballerina a terrifying ballerina

up on his tippy toes on a fence banging on a window because it smelt someone making brownies like how is that not the cutest thing you've ever seen just like a bear at the window going something smells nice hello there neighbor Hello there, neighbour. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. Do you think you know how much you know? What about how much they know? Surely you're capable of determining an expert opinion from a hole in the ground. Good God, the man's a doctor, according to his LinkedIn profile. I think you'll find I do know what I know about what he knows.

I don't think so. Bringing you the double Dunning-Kruger effect effect where not only do you not know how little you know, you're also falsely confident about how much you know about how much other people know about any given subject. Double Dunning-Kruger effect effect. Question the guy who told you to question everything. And are you a parent trying to entertain your infant?

Try doing less than you'd think. Seriously, they don't need a bingity-bangity-jingle-jangle entertainment machine. They're not a jaded New York socialite. They've just got a face. Like, they've just got a face for the first time. Try introducing them to basic things like texture and temperature. Put their little feet on a warm rug. Dip one of their fat hands into half a glass of water. Half a glass of water. It's pretty exciting if you've never seen one before. And a new novel is out by self-published romance maven and online bestseller, Dancy Lagarde.

Big Seal Little Sister is the third in the 13-part modern military masculinity series of sexy seal rescues. Not the animal, the state-sanctioned soldiers. Dunk is an American seal, part of the Alpha Seal Squad of Maximum Mased soldiers. Dunk is an American SEAL, part of the Alpha SEAL squad of Maximum Masculinity. Dunk is short for Duncan, which in turn is short for Dunkin' Donuts. He's returned from war with huge abs and a thirst for justice, and some PTSD but only the charming kind that will prompt him to leap protectively on top of ladies.

This will be relevant later. Pinned down by enemy fire, holding his best friend's dying hand in an opening preamble chapter set in an undefined but vaguely racist war zone location, he is left his teammate's slash best friend's younger sister in a gasped out final wish that's probably not legally binding. He promises he will take care of her until she dies. Cut to him moving in next door, taking on the post-war duty of looking after his dead best friend's kid sister, whom he remembers as an awkward teen. Bliana is a graphic designer studying art at an art school.

She's got a lean gammon beauty and a smudge of pigment on her cheek. She's also receiving mysterious death threats. Dunk remembers her as underage, but now, somehow, 15 years later, she's got adult opinions, tits and a paintbrush in her hair. He can't help but constantly notice she's all grown up, and that's creepy, but in a sexy way because of how many abs he has. He's constantly swabbing the front deck of his new house with his shirt off, and Bliana brings him iced tea and watches as moisture beads on his pecs. Bliana must recruit Dunk to help her solve the mysterious art heist at

her workplace. They fight their mutual attraction while also doing lots of things that involve accidentally ruining items of clothing and having to take showers near each other. And sometimes loud noises that make him leap protectively on top of her, abs first. Until Blianna is kidnapped by a villainous art thief slash ex-boyfriend who wants to sell her to the highest bidder in an auction for secret billionaire connoisseurs of art and perversion. Dunk must call on all of his SEAL skills to rescue and then finger Blianna. Dunk must call on all of his seal skills to rescue and then finger Liana. Will they overcome all obstacles and realize her dead brother's secret wish could be interpreted not as his best friend having to protect his sister from banging, but perhaps protect her from not being banged by the man she loves by banging her himself?

Find out in Big Seal, Little Sister, available now in all military surplus stores. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a

performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Now it's time for our prison audition section. This is a story of crime and not punishment, or not crime and possibly punishment. This is a story of a jail in Zurich,

which is asking for volunteers to take part in a process of testing their jail, which is either the best trick for catching criminals that I've ever heard of, or possibly the worst holiday you've ever had. I mean, I've had some tenancy experiences that are probably worse than anything that a prison in Zurich can offer. So as long as there's no mould, I'd give it a go, to be honest. Do I have to pay while I'm there? Honestly, have you lived in a flat in Croydon before? Because I could tell you some

horror stories that's a long way from like nelly bly part of what they're trying to do is like quote unquote clear up misconceptions about how bad jail is but i feel like part of jail is that you have to like it has to work partially as a disincentive you know it can't be super great tiff well i think i think i can't believe people actually want to do this. I can't believe they're volunteering after two years of being in lockdown. What they're saying is you go in, right? And so people are volunteering. Strip searches at entry, however, will be optional. The volunteers will also receive a safe word. They can give the staff to bail out immediately if they get cold feet or start to crack. So not like prison at all. Like it's just a weird

experiment when like when rich kids used to go on poverty safaris. Do you remember this? Like, you know, where they would go and they would go, we're going to do a poverty safari. It's exact. It's, you know, so they can come out and go, I know what it's like, man. I've been there. Death row. I mean, if this is a thing that people can do now, I think I need to know what it's like to spend an entire summer on a super yacht so if someone can hook that up for me that would work then I can relate to super rich people at a party and be like I know what it's like man I've been there Codrow I'll happily take that challenge on I did buy some yacht wax last week so hopefully you know I'll get there but it does it does it reminds me of when

that you know sometimes you know and i know people who've done it and i get the idea of it if people go i'm going to sleep outside for a night so i know what it's like to sleep rough but can you truly know can you truly know what it's like to sleep rough if you have the option of the next night a warm bed knowing that that's there can you truly know what it's like to be in a prison what the conditions are like when in the back of your mind you're going i leave tomorrow i've also got a safe word where I just say, mummy. The spokeswoman for Zurich's Corrections and Rehabilitation Services Department is called Elena Tankovsky,

which is also the name of any Russian villain that you would like to write into a film. She says, a lot of our wardens have a lot of social skills. They're actually more like a carer than a guard. Yeah, that's why we call them warmdens rather our wardens have a lot of social skills. They are actually more like a carer than a guard. Yeah, that's why we call them warmdens rather than wardens. Like, what is this trying to pitch prison? I don't know. Maybe it is super warm and cuddly in Zurich.

I reckon this is going to make the crime rate go up. This sounds amazing. What I can opt in and out of strip searches, human contact, naked, I get to have that, and live rent-free, and have free food, and possibly gym and no mold. Once again, no mold. According to council, if you're listening to this, I hope you hear me.

Is Eureka tax haven as well? I believe it is. In fact, I'm about to move now or commit some crime. This is amazing. I mean, if it's not a tax haven, you can just not pay your or commit some crime. This is amazing. I mean, if it's not a tax haven, you can just not pay your taxes and then go to prison. Exactly. Like, where can you go wrong?

What are you going to do if I don't pay taxes? I'm going to send you to jail. What if I do tax fraud? I'm going to send you to jail. Okay. And I mean, the cells look gorgeous as well. You know, very minimalist chic. You know, a lot like... Honestly, do a split screen of the cells

and the modern flats in Tokyo right now. It's the same thing. I say they have more stuff in there than the flats in Japan. I'm all for it. If you're in Zurich, commit crime. Life is grand, honestly. Send Hank the Tank to Zurich.

Now, that would be interesting. I don't know if he'd fit in those cells. They are kind of small. But that aside, Zurich prisons look a lot better than some of the flats I've looked at recently. So, you know, I'm helping someone move and they're looking for a studio.

This might be an idea. I'm still putting out that I would do the summer on a yacht because I don't know what it's like to spend a summer on a yacht. An entire summer. An entire summer on a yacht because I don't know what it's like to spend a summer on a yacht an entire summer an entire summer on a yacht so if anyone wants to send that I'll take that option you guys can take this one and I'll happily well based on all the people I follow on Instagram if you want to end up on a yacht or anywhere exotic all you have to do is think positive take selfies and

leave inspirational quotes underneath and your life will be brilliant. So I'm going to try that. I'm sure I'm going to end up on a yacht. Keep your chin up. Well, that's all the time we have for our voluntary prison news. I mean, it's called going to Australia, guys. The English invented it

right about the time that they invented Australia. Now it's time for your review section. As you know, each week week our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars. Tiff, what have you brought in for us this week? I'm going to do a review of a fiancé. Because I have had a boyfriend for 11 years and for the last three years I've had a fiancé.

So what is that like? Is it any different? Well, yes, because now I can threaten to divorce him even though we aren't married yet, which is actually more of a threat. I will marry you just so I can divorce you the next day out of like pure spitefulness. So let me think. Benefits of a fiance. Well, you can just use the word fiance. You can sound French. That's the etymology. It's old French for they'll do. It's actually mid 19th century from actually Latin fidier to trust French fiance a promise. So I have a trust, which is nice. And a fiance, much like a boyfriend, is a pleasing male presence to have around who is a very good

cook and all around good bean. So I would say five stars or triple five stars like those pointless Vegas hotel rating systems, you know, where everywhere else says five and they go, we're doing triple five. So triple five stars for a fiance. I mean, Tiff, this sounds dangerously like you're trying to apologize for something you did wrong. Just out of nowhere. I just want to talk about how great, how great it is to have a fiance no I'm genuinely I'm genuinely pleased with my model I went to the fiance shop and uh I think I got one of the last good models and I think there's just shittens left now sorry for anyone that was hoping to get a good one there might be a couple on sale but I don't know if they're

going to be great bargain bin boys uh nabil what have you brought in for us well she's not present but actually i was going to do a review of a three-year-old now um the current model i have is different from the previous one that is now seven that's the problem they tend to grow if you feed them it's uh one of the things with these three-year-olds now um if you're looking for someone that you can have logical conversations with that won't take your stuff and destroy it three-year-olds might not be for you however if you like cleaning pointlessly while someone continues to soil your house if you like spending money on people that don't understand the concept of money and if you want to get into arguments with people that are not even sure what they're arguing with you about, but are very passionate about it until something floats. Three-year-olds are brilliant. Now, they don't have a lot of practical

uses. They don't pay rent. They don't work. And they tend to wake you up at night singing, Daddy, Daddy, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala, Poho. They're not ninjas, but I can run. And honestly, it's for you. It's better than drugs. The sleep deprivation will cause you the same hallucinations, the same irrational thoughts, but you pass blood tests. So it's fantastic. You get to keep your job and still be insane. Honestly, it's, I mean, you need to forget about all the other stages of childhood where they're young and cute or when they're like 18 months

where they try to run away with you, but they're not that fast. That's no fun. Have a three-year-oldold let them run onto the main road and you have to run and catch them it's an amazing cardio workout having them make you throw them in the air and catch them is a brilliant strength training routine um in terms of your overall mental health i would say uh not the best but for physical mental physical health and Reflexes catching things that they knock over which could kill them amazing. I am much faster Much more reflex than I ever was before I had a three-year-old but quite frankly I'm about one last late-night brawl between my kids and going insane. I can't take anymore Do you want to buy a three-year-old

if i don't buy it just take it please please take it please honestly there's so much fun did i mention they were fun i don't know but i love my kids how many out of five five out of five i give my three-year-old a five out of five because like she always says, Daddy, Daddy, it's effort that counts. So this beautiful painting she did, unfortunately it wasn't on the fridge. It was on the wall. It was just painted white. That's all the time we have for our review section because now it's time for our business section.

This is our half a glass of water news section. This is pretty exciting business news. Tiff, do you want to unpack this news? Sure. I know a little something about glass half empty and full. I did a show called Optimist.

But this is a story about how the cup being half empty, how the cup half empty rule eliminates stress, reduces burnout and makes you a more effective leader. So if you wanna be less stressed, create margin in your life. I mean, basically I read this and went,

okay, Microsoft paperclip, it appears you're attempting philosophy, can I help? What's meaningful about the cup half empty rule? So we see the cup half full as being someone who's an optimist, a positive outlook on life. And we see the cup half empty as pessimistic. And you see the cup of half a glass of water as being a long running ad on your podcast because you're in with big water, as we know. So they said, what's meaningful about the cup half empty rule is having...

Well, I mean, with not that big water. Not that big water. Moderate amount of water. Half a glass very specifically. So in the article, it says, what's so meaningful about having the cup half empty? Having room in your cup means you have margin. Margin is breathing room.

It gives you space to think and focus, gives you the ability to be intentional about what you're doing. It gives you a chance to do more, to do something new. This is just a very long-winded way of making the glass half empty as half full. It's still optimism. You're basically applying the glass half full principle to the glass half empty. And I just like to think most acts are optimistic anyway, like in our lives,

this is all optimism. It's born out of the idea. We'll still be here tomorrow. This is all optimistic. We're doing this podcast. Isn't that optimism? I think, I don't know. This is all optimistic. We're doing this podcast. Isn't that optimism? I think. I don't know. No one's more optimistic than me at 2 a.m. drunk on Groupon because then I will buy falconry lessons at a 54 point car service in Milton Keynes. I don't live in Milton Keynes. What's more optimistic than thinking I'm going to go to Milton Keynes and get my car serviced? So it's it's it's trying to flip this idea of the glass half empty on its head. Nabil, I think that sounds like reluctant optimism. I like it. I am a proud pessimist.

I believe in glass half empty. I think that creates the need for further work. I believe that gives you a goal. I think you should be driven. If we didn't have goals and drive, then we wouldn't be able to live. If everything was perfect, then there'd be nothing to do, and then that would be boring. I often look forward to spats with my neighbor over the garbage. That's what

makes life interesting. If, you know, the glass half empty is the human race. The glass was half empty. So we discovered fire, we discovered electricity, we created the phone to talk to people that weren't even there, because we felt them not being there, hence us creating the phone. I think optimism is oversold. I think sometimes, I mean, do you really want to be an optimist? Look at America. They're optimistic people. Do you want that for you?

I don't. I think pessimism is beautiful. I think there's something to be said about pessimism and skepticism and sarcasm and all the beautiful things that negativity brings okay what good art has ever been born from a happy person i like all my musicians to be depressed they give us the best music i like my artists to be weird and socially awkward why one day someone came up to me and said nabil you're a good comedian i want to be just like you i said so does everyone else anyway nabil tell, you're a good comedian. I want to be just like you. I said, so does everyone else. And they were like, Nabil, tell me, what makes a good comedian?

And I said, trauma. Lots of it. That is glass half empty. I like the emptiness. Void creates opportunity. It's true of the difference between America and the UK, because I always say about audiences

in America kind of going, this is going to be awesome. America kind of going going this is going to be awesome and British audiences going going this is going to be shit but if you think it's going to be shit then you could be pleasantly surprised when it's not exactly you're like often people will be like oh that wasn't shit I like expected shit so now I feel happy because I got more than what I expected no No such thing as a disappointed pessimist. I don't know if the glass is half empty or half full, but I do know that I am a fool for half a glass of water.

We're now into our final motoring section. This is our car section. If you're a car buff, you'll be heartbroken by this news. If you know Harley-Davidson has patented its revving motor sound. There are car buffs that can tell a car from 400 meters away just by the sound of its engine. But Teslas have now been banned from making fart noises. Nabil, as somebody with a three-year-old, is this heartbreaking or is this devastating I mean you know as someone who was going to get a Tesla and and totally not for like the tax write-off

and stuff yeah completely for noble reasons like entertaining my kids I am heartbroken I think why why why am I supposed to be accustomed to hearing other forms of gases being released into the air by car exhausts but not the most harmless and beautiful sound of the ozone layer being destroyed, which is the organic methane released from our inner cavities. It's just not fair. It's cool that Teslas don't make a sound, although it kind of caused an embarrassing moment for me when I got into an electric Uber.

It was a Tesla. And the guy, like I was on my phone, and the guy started driving and I couldn't feel it or hear it. And then I tell him, come on, move already. And the guy was doing like 30. That was embarrassing. But I digress. I actually kind of feel saddened by the whole electric car thing because it takes away the manly part of cars I want the grease, I want the smell I want the sound, I want the revving I mean when I get to a traffic light and I see someone else who is just there how else can I challenge them to a race?

How do you do that with a Tesla? Do you have like a little light that you shine? Do you do jazz hands? Imagine grease lightning with a Tesla. What would it be called? Hydraulic electronic system lightning sort of static energy.

It's not the same. You youngsters don't get it, man. You're ruining the world. Caring about the environment. It's a dangerous tool to add to your car. This is the boombox, which has been banned by the NHTSA, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration in America,

which allowed you, instead of having a horn noise, you could make other noises with your car, like doorbells or a 64K modem or a bleating goat. But obviously that's not a feature that you could have in England because then instead of horn noises, you'd just have cars making polite coughing noises and apologising to each other all the way down the M5. Could you get a sound of foxes mating?

Now that is terrifying. That will make you get out of the way. The police should have that and not sirens. That is absolutely the most horrifying thing i've ever heard in my life foxes and what why are they why are they portrayed as sexy and cool have you heard those things it's horrible it is horrific i do i like the idea of a fart sound from a car because why must every bit of joy be squeezed from this world? Fart noises at all time. Like last week this happened. I just woken up. I did a fart and it set off Alexa. Amazing. And she actually went,

how can I help you? Wow. I should have been like, I should have been like, I don't know, some toilet paper on the shopping list, but it, it, it genuinely, I think farts and technology have gone hand in hand for a long time. And I like, I like the fact that you could have all these different noises. Like you were saying, I think you should have a recording of someone saying, I'm superior to you, I own a Tesla. Since the very first technology, in fact, since fire was invented,

farts and technology have interacted in interesting ways. I can attest to that. Shamefully. It's, why are the highways agency ruining the fun again? This is like the time I was told I couldn't have one of my headlamp eyelashes in a wink position because it was quote unquote dangerous. Well, that's all the time we have for our motoring news. We're flipping towards the end of the magazine.

Unfortunately, very sadly, I'm looking through the ads at the back. Nabil, have you got anything to plug? Yeah, I mean, now that you mention it, I'll be at the Soho Theatre from the 28th of Feb to the 5th of March doing my show called Nabil, N-A-B-I-L, which stands for Nobody Actually Believed I'd Lost. And yeah, anybody that wants to come

is more than welcome. The more the merrier. That's how these things go with comedy, you see. So yeah. Tiff, have you got anything to plug? Sure. I have an old rope coming up on March the 14th at the Comedy Store. I'll be on Guilty Feminist on the 30th of March in Bath.

I don't know how many tickets there are left for that and then I will be at the Edinburgh Fringe so I think tickets will be going up on sale for that soon so just join my mailing list and all of that so yeah get involved and find me online at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram that's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E or support me at patreon.com slash alicefraser it's one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials

podcasts and blogs. I will be in Adelaide from the 1st to the 5th of March directly competing with Nabil's show, unless you are in either Australia or England, in which case we're not competing with each other at all. I'd like to thank our roving reporters, Jeff Spakowski and Douglas Hirschman, who sent in the Big Bear story,

Miss Otis, who sent in the Prison Auditions story, Mort Subit, who sent in the Big Bear story, Miss Otis, who sent in the Prison Auditions story, Mort Subit, who sent in the Half a Glass of Water story, and Rick, who sent in the Farting Tesla story. If you'd like to send in a story to The Gargle, tweet us at HelloGarglers on Twitter. That's the place to do that. This is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser

production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.