The Gargle - Cartel king reviews | Tardigrade | Mouse genitals leg

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

Comedy duo Egg (Anna Leong Brophy and Emily Lloyd-Saini) join host Alice Fraser for episode 152 of The Gargle - the sonic glossy magazine to The Bugle, with one rule: no politics!✈️ Cartel king reviews🧫 Tardigrade humans🐟 Salmon truck crash🐁 Mouse genitals leg📱 ReviewsStory 1: https://www.bellingcat.com/news/2024/04/06/cartel-king-kinahans-google-reviews-expose-travel-partnersStory 2: https://futurism.com/neoscope/scientists-splice-tardigrade-human-cellsStory 3: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/apr/05/thousands-young-salmon-survive-oregon-truck-crashStory 4: https://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-accidentally-made-a-mouse-grow-legs-in-place-of-genitalsHOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. arms reach forward, draw the slippery length of the snake-like body forward, up, up, out of the water. The witch queen presses her cold cheek against his colder one, whispering quietly in a language only he can understand. Ruler to ruler, they say, this is the gargle. Welcome to the gargle, the sonic glossy magazine, to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.

All of the news, none of the politics. Your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Anna Leong Brophy and Emily Lloyd-Saney. Welcome. Hi, thanks for having us. It's a delight to have you. Together you form Egg, which is a comedy double act. How do you feel about only being half as good as one comedian?

Yeah, I mean, it's a daily struggle that we just have to accept. Well, you know, we see each other so often that together we make a whole one, and that's fighting us. Our true aim is to eventually be as good as one mediocre white man. Yeah. We can't be just crossed.

You're actually way better than almost everyone else I've seen doing comedy, so well done you. Before we garb ourselves in the protective heatproof clothing and cast ourselves into the active volcano that is this week's top stories, we'll have a quick look at the cover

of this week's magazine. The front cover model this week is the sun posing provocatively with the moon just covering its rude bits. The headline reads, Hot goss, the sun god hides his face in shame. A source close to his illegitimate child spills all. So that's exciting. Yeah, really shocking stuff.

Visions in America recently. I had the approach of refusing to look at any images of the eclipse, but asking everyone who had seen it to describe it to me, so I feel like I have a better picture in my head. And how did they describe it? Mostly they described it as the people around them were very impressed and there was a kind of a... Everybody thinks somebody else liked it.

Yeah, everyone's like, oh, well, everyone was making gasping. It was sort of like this really beautiful communal experience slash mob mentality that you can see why people would have, you know, sacrificed their maidens to the sun or whatever. Yeah. It's quite a quick thing in Eclipse. So you'd have to be quite quick, quite fast off the gun in your sacrificing. Thank God for cloud cover here,

or we all might have been at that too. Yeah. I don't think you can claim maiden status anymore, you two. What? How dare you? You're mothers. I'm pure. Oh, okay.

Well, you're going to be sacrificed. Well, is it I'm pure or is it pronounced impure? Bit of both. Well, is it I'm pure or is it pronounced impure? Bit of both. The satirical cartoon this week is the Tesla Cybertruck marketing team brainstorming how to pitch the vehicle to its target market. On the whiteboard behind them, it says, it's good for the environment, but in a bad for the environment kind of way. Which is the best kind to be good for the environment, isn't it?

Yeah, absolutely. It's the fun one. It's the edgy one. Well, in Berlin, apparently, the Tesla, the Cybertruck factories had to be closed down because they're polluting the groundwater quite intensely. But, you know, saving on petrol. But they're so fun. They drive themselves. Alice, don't forget, please. once Anna and I were in a situation where someone wanted to show us their Tesla driving itself the problem was they couldn't find their Tesla and it took them so long to make the feature work that we realized we were in a car park in America and no one knew where we were. But we made it out. It was like a Fargo episode. It was great. Had the Tesla driven itself away is the real question.

It made its way to us very slowly. I think it was trying to make a break for it, ultimately. Yeah. Because it felt shame, probably. I mean, driving itself off the edge. That brings us to our top story for today. Top story today is Google Reviews news. And this is the news that a cartel king was a cartel boss,

Christopher Kinahan Sr., had unwittingly revealed himself to investigators by posting Google Reviews for a variety of restaurants. Emily, you've got a mob mentality. Can you unpack this story for us? I certainly do have a mob mentality, which is why I'm actually half listening to you and half just watching the Eclipse reruns. Clips reruns. But yeah, so Christopher Kinahan, cartel boss. He is so committed to people being accountable for their behaviour that he has left Google reviews under a pseudonym, Christopher Vincent.

Is that what a pseudonym is? It's just his first two names. His first name and his middle name. It's so lazy. No, Anna. It's his alias. Nobody will be able to know who he is. Get yourself a good mob name, bro.

You're a cartel boss. Step up your... Like, you could have, you know, Six Finger Harry. It could be anything. No. Christopher Vincent. Christopher Vincent. Chrissy V. you know six finger harry it could be it could be anything no christopher vincent christopher chrissy v anyway so he leaves a load of reviews for places that he's been he really shouldn't been and under his alias which is his name getting pictures of himself in reflections accidentally

because not only is he leaving reviews of the places that he really probably shouldn't have been, he's adding the user pictures, which I always think is a certain type of reviewer that adds a traveller's picture. Yeah. And there's one journalist, I mean, really extremely following him around a lot of the places and has documented all of his moves through Google reviews.

I mean, you can see pictures of himself and also some of the people he was with who were not even necessarily going to be arrested for crimes but are now seriously going to be arrested for crimes because they happen to go to the same restaurant with him to do crime chat over a three-star burger or whatever. Yeah, a five-star acai bowl. And sometimes a belly dancer. dancer yeah he's implicated

at least two other shady characters um but you know when you've had a bad experience people need to know well what what i love about his work here is that he is uh implicated in more than 18, 20 murders. He's a cartel boss. He's a narco boss. He's hidden away in the UAE. But his commitment to an online presence, when his existence really depends on him not having an online presence, is so strong. Whereas I have the complete opposite thing.

My career kind of depends on an online presence. And I refuse, refuse to engage with it. So I'm thinking maybe we should talk to his people and get them on board. Maybe you need to lean in on the Google reviews comedy. Maybe that's where your big break is in Yelp reviewing restaurants. I feel like this is a sign of degenerate times, you know. In the olden days, if a mob boss had a cold soup, he would have brought the cook out and broken both his knees

with a baseball bat. And now it's just passive aggressive. Yeah, strongly worded. Soup could have been warmer. Sad face. This secretive, shady mansion in Zimbabwe where we gathered to talk about trading arms to Egypt. Great kitchen.

Loved the staff. Very family-friendly. Tried to hide from the government in this apparently safe house, but they found us. 2.5. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. Are you sick of seeing things with the naked

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nine is spelled out in full and the second seven is spelled out with a capital v in the middle and the s in the seven is a five that's your ad section for today run don't walk for a limited time only. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong.

Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now.

ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com And that brings us to our splicing material news now, which is that scientists have now spliced a tardigrade into another creature. Anna, you are another creature. Can you unpack this story for us? Thank you, Alice, I am.

Yes, this is the story of scientists taking a protein, I believe, from a tardigrade. We all know what a tardigrade is. Well, a tardigrade is a half a... It's where you get marked down for being late. It's a half millimetre size little kind of creature. There's sometimes affectionately called a water bear or a moss piglet very cute yeah or uh i i like to call them a stay puffed butthole affectionately i am looking at a picture of one as you say these and before you said i was like

they are actually quite cute and now you've said your names you said i was like they are actually quite cute and now you've said your names for them i'm like no you're absolutely right that's a safer puff butthole that's what i like to affectionately call them so they've spliced these proteins into human cells and when they have done they found that by subjecting because tardigrades can like live in really difficult conditions like really really hot really really cold they've gone to space and most of them have come back okay the ones that haven't are unnamed unfortunately yeah yeah they don't they don't gel with the story and speaking of gel um when you splice these proteins into a human cell they become much more hardy to stresses so sorry what's the word if they are presented in a girl's school yeah yeah they're in a girl's

school or they have to give a presentation at very short notice or the tubes are all cancelled but they have to get across town uh they then have to, they kind of turn into a gel. They become, the cell becomes very gel-like, which I'm quite confused by because I never considered, I'm quite an anxious person, and I never considered just being more sticky as a solution to my stresses. But apparently that's what the these scientists have discovered

so yeah so does that make people more chill in those stress environments too apparently potentially if we were all getting more sticky and apparently it says that we would age slower if we had these spliced into us we'd be able to deal with the stresses more we'd age slower and it sounds like we'd all have lovely naps as well they go into a kind of biostasis when they're stressed so i would i go into a kind of i have already been spliced yeah you guys are actually two of the subjects of the experiment aren't you yes yeah i've become extremely gelatinous when confronted with conflict you also do both have um quite a sphincter rhino look thank you for not saying stay puffed butthole look i am interested in when they've spliced it with human proteins like who are who are these people that have been spliced. I'm going to wager Nicole Kidman. Got to be. Got to be. You heard it here first.

Yeah, it will be her. I think Kylie Jenner's definitely going through some of the spicing stages. They're doing her one part at a time just to see which sticky one sticks best. I don't have very strong opinions about the Kardashians, but I can't wait for them to reach their final form. Moss piglets.

And that brings us to our reviews section. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring something to review out of five styles. Emily, what have you brought in for us today? Well, I have brought in my review of sending messages on iPhones. She's got a lot to say about this. First of all, when you send a message on an iPhone, as we all know, it's a QWERTY keyboard, as with a lot of the phones.

My first observation is that QWERTY is spelt with a W, not a U, which is not a good start for grammar. And what is good about it is my English teacher at school challenged us to find a Q word that didn't have a U after it. And Alan Thurman said QWERTY, which was quite astute for a 10 year old. And Miss Collins thought she looked like she might cry, which I am not going to take a point away for it because I do remember that very fondly. Although it won't even autocorrect QWERTY to having a U, it doesn't even think grammatically correctly. It thinks QWERTY is fine. It does change it to capitals on an iPhone, assuming it's an acronym, which with absolutely no research at all, I've taken to mean quick,

write everything right today. Yes, keyboard. That's the QWERTY. However, although it won't autocorrect QWERTY, what it will do is assume I want to say foot worry take case instead of don't worry take care, or that I am spelling that with an S instead of an A. It's perfectly happy with that. Also, the autocorrect feature, sending messages on iPhones, used to correct you if you tried to say an expletive. I don't know, there are children present, pure children. But when you tried to say f***, it would change it to duck.

And it doesn't do that anymore. It didn't tell people it wasn't going to do that anymore, but it lets people say expletives. But as an avid f*** watcher, that really ducks me up in WhatsApp groups. Now, my last thing on the QWERTY keyboard and sending messages on iPhones is whenever I try to send anything, and I know this is, is I know the support groups out there for people like this um whenever I try and send a serious message or one with any depth I will accidentally send a picture of a unicorn now if I try to send you a picture of a unicorn I won't be able to do it but if I'm trying to say something something compassionate or something a bit arsey I'll send you a unicorn usually with a bleeped out expletive coming out of its mouth so for that

reason I give sending messages on iPhones with a keyboard that is designed for tiny fingers by the way which I think does buy into making women feel bad about themselves especially because even in keyboard we're expected to be skinny. So for that reason, I'm giving the QWERTY keyboard and iPhones 2.5 starships. And that has been autocorrected. I love that. I always thought QWERTY was just quirky, pronounced by someone who was so quirky they had a speech impediment no one else had. Well, now I feel bad. Anna, what have you brought in for us today well I wanted to uh you know I've got my finger on the pulse so I wanted to do a review on cloaks

we're all thinking about them we're all talking about them cloaks okay obviously we should start with the positives they are extremely body In fact, you can have several bodies under your cloak at any one time. Very welcoming, very, very body positive. Goes with any look. with your shorts, throw on a cloak with some sweats. Very, very versatile look, which does lead to another positive, which is cloak and dagger behaviour. Very useful when you come into some spying, some lying, some stealing or some daggering, you know. Cloak's very handy for all of those things. I i mean cartel king wouldn't have been caught if

he'd been in a cloak well he'd have probably reviewed it yeah this is actually written by christopher vincent who i'm not guys so don't look any further into that but i am not he another great thing about cloaks they're very tent like you know I personally am pro-camping and pro-camp so if you can get a camp cloak and enjoy their tent-like qualities then I think you're bringing the spirit of the festival with you at all times and you're also bringing a real sense of the outdoors into your busy day to day. Also sorry to chip in here Anna but festivals do get quite cold at night, so that's quite handy. Exactly.

A tent within a tent, perfect. And, you know, an obvious one is that they are, they're endlessly customisable, much like a tent, really. However, I think we're all as a society really overlooking some obvious cons when it comes to cloaks i'm just going to be brave guys and say them out loud one no arm holes people have had arms for hundreds of years how is someone meant to stay warm and for example eat soup or play a hand of gin rummy no one's talking about that but i think the big issue is that cloaks are political i think that that has been cloaked oh yeah oh yeah yeah think okay think of any nefarious white dude throughout history

okay there's only a few aren't there at least there's at least three think of them now they are wearing cloaks they are cloaked to the hilt wake up sheeple cloaks are a symbol of our oppressive colonial overlords when we finally find the lizard people they will be cloaked so for that reason and that reason alone they're getting a one star from me wow that's low

but Anna you've mentioned the lizard people there but what you haven't taken into account is that when you stick your hands out of a cloak with no arms you do look like you're doing an impression of a little dinosaur that's why there's no arm holes it's just proof on proof thank you emily we are cracking this wide open uh one star out of five for cloaks uh write in to us at a email address that i'll make up if you disagree. Fish escape news now, and this is the news that thousands of young salmon have been dropped into a nearby creek from a truck that was taking them away from water.

So they didn't just drop in from a slightly higher creek. They were doomed. And then they found freedom. About 102,000 Chinook salmon smolts that were being transported by a tanker from a hatchery to the Imnaha River. The truck crashed and they escaped. Emily, you're free. Can you unpack this story for us? So a creek in Oregon was inadvertently restocked

with lots of young salmon so they were heading somewhere else when the driver decided to hang a sharp left or a or a sharp right we'll never know and the the truck spilled over and all of the salmon all of the salmon fell out and these are salmon I think what are smolts are they eggs that is my main takeaway from today is that smolt is a word and it's not just some kind of fun combination of like malt milkshake and sugary treats you know that would be really upsetting wouldn't it if you went into a place and they said because you used to get malts you know would you like a would you like a chocolate malt and it turns out they said smalt and what you've ordered is a cod

row yes a tiny baby salmon yeah yeah tiny baby salmon found on the banks of a river from an upturned truck. With Oreos on top and some whipped cream. My main problem with the story is that they really missed the chance for a joke when they said that a lot of the salmon hit the ground running, whereas they could have said hit the river swimming and that would have been one more acumen and two, we'd have seen what they did and would have appreciated it. But they didn't choose to do that. And that's that's the Guardian's fault, really. But the surviving fish, they will now apparently consider this river in Oregon their spawning ground and they'll go away and they will come back there to die,

which is essentially what all of their family did on the banks of that river. So it's quite romantic, quite dark and quite sad and quite joyful. I feel like this is an obvious miss on the part of the journalist because they're just taking it face value that this truck had a convenient accident that accidentally tipped all these salmon conveniently into a river. What has happened here is a very successful salmon jailbreak. I think these salmon have crept up behind the man, knocked him on the head.

I think actually the driver was in cahoots. I think the driver was a fully grown salmon breaking their 200,000 babies out into the Oregon River. Well, actually, I mean, it's a good guess guys but you're both actually wrong what had happened is um you might remember when you used to book quite cheap package holidays and when the bus would take you you would choose well you'd end up at the one that you'd booked but it was a mystery you didn't know which one you were going to end at so every time you came across a really nice hotel you thought is this us is this us and what happened was uh mummy salmon

got hold of the picture of where they were going where they were headed to and it was really it was badly reviewed probably by a cartel boss it was badly reviewed and they said look this is looking good let's just all say that we've booked this place. And they jumped, they left. I do now think that your childhood holidays were just kidnappings. So that's something you should discuss with your parents. Kidnappings where we dropped people off at very nice places along the way. It's Christopher Vincent's new venture, actually. it's Christopher Vincent's new venture actually um yeah I think there's also a possible explanation here that Uber is kind of going now having kind of dominated the mammal world

is evolving backwards and finally it's getting to a stage where it's transporting fish. So ultimately, I think this is a poor review for the Uber driver. But also I think by the time the grown-up salmon get back, because there's again an assumption from the journalists that they're going to consider this Lookingglass Creek, which is where they very picturesquely named where they fell in as their as their spawning ground. But could they not consider the back of a taxi? Because it is referred to in the article as a salmon taxi as their spawning ground.

So they'll all be getting back there and then just jamming the lines for the local taxi firm, all trying to order Ubers. And because they're going to need one each. They're going to need one each. That's too big. That's a way to tank your Uber rating. Am I right? Hey, I will just point out as well that where they were being dropped off is a popular destination for sport fishing and I think the driver may have been talking about that a bit too loudly.

Okay yeah you've convinced me it was a jailbreak Alice you're right. And horrible cock leg news now this is the news that scientists have accidentally made a mouse grow legs instead of genitals uh anna you've got legs can you unpack this story for us ah unfortunately now i can and that's your fault um they um some scientists uh turned off a gene early in the development of a mouse and it made them grow six legs. But what's the sort of science behind this, which hilariously one of the researchers has been quoted as saying, I didn't choose the project. The project chose me. Whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better, buddy. As they reluctantly gave a statement

about uh six-legged uh rodents but the part of the reason why is that the signal that is sent uh the neurological signal that is sent um when a fetus is being developed it sends a code that say that says like develop a leg here, an arm here, whatever. But apparently, and this is according to the article, that really shook me to my core is this quote. This early in the process, the hind limbs and genitals have more in common. So the hind limbs and genitals have more in common than the forelimbs and the hind limbs so it's starting to make a lot of sense considering some of the ball sacks i've seen

and how they could have crossed paths i mean i'd never i never thought there should have been toenails on them but that was explained away once i dated a guy who referred to his penis as his third leg oh and i never slept with him and now i'm glad i didn't because he may have been telling the truth exactly it's genetic he's a genetic freak and it's interesting that if the genitals don't get a signal to grow, then they're like, oh, I'll just grow an extra two legs to compensate. Just a couple of extra legs. I mean, it does give a different meaning to the sport of football. It does indeed yeah so i mean what does this what does this mean my biggest question is why aren't there better things to do babe as i said it didn't he didn't find the

the research the research found him yeah he was just turning off different genes in developing foetuses. As you do, just, oh, I'm going home for the night, switch off the lights, switch off the genes, see what happens in the morning. Yeah. So I'm not sure what this could lead to in the future. But maybe, I mean, it could ultimately lead to a new world order of peace and harmony, because if we could turn off men's dicks growing and instead just give them a couple of extra legs, I think we could cut out a lot of war, a lot of rivalry, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of toxicity from our society. Or we could f*** them a little bit more

and we can just turn i don't know how this gene turning off works but if we just turn the dial a different way maybe they'll just have a leg in the middle and they'll have to walk on two penises yeah that's how genes work they have a dial they have a diet well all right you don't know there's there's several male listeners now going this is what happens when you let three women talk to each other this is about dicks i mean you are all much more hopeful about the potential implications of this research than i am what i'm seeing is uh in my head is little rats with six legs, just terrifying spider rats leaping out at you from... Moss piglets, if you will. Yeah. Oh, do you think that's what they were doing? They were tardigrading. Yeah, they were secretly tardigrading. I actually am looking at the picture of the little

mouse with six legs. And again, that's that is your fault Alice so um thank you thank you that will haunt my dreams we like to give our listeners the gift of mental imagery to take them through the day if we're not going to talk about politics we need to talk about something that's going to haunt you and that brings us to the end of the show. I'm flipping through the ad section at the back. Emily, have you got anything to plug?

Yes, I've got something to plug that Anna might relate to. Anna and I are doing our show, Absolutely Fine, at the Soho Theatre April the 24th

to April the 27th, which is soon, so if you could book tickets. Anna, would you like to plug that with me? Yes, I do. If you plug something separately now, I'll be like, what a bitch. Yeah, it's funny enough.

And Anna, have you got anything to plug? Yes, I can only reiterate what Emily is saying. Our Soho show, end of April. If you go to sohotheatre.com and search for Egg, absolutely fine, you'll find us there. We'd love to see you. We also have our own podcast. It's called terribly famous.

It's on the wandering network. And we delve into the lives of British celebrities and kind of take an empathetic look at the juicy, juicy details behind their lives. So join us there. New episodes drop every week. We've got some corkers on there you've got Robbie Williams, George Michael, Lily Allen, Naomi Campbell uh yeah so if you like your

news uh politics free then join us on Terribly Famous too and together we think we are nearly as good as one mediocre white man. Thank you. And our ticket prices reflect that. And you can find me online at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. That's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs, as well as my weekly writers' meetings. If you're writing anything, feel free to join me there.

You get it for a dollar a month at the moment. You get access to one writer's meeting a week. This is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunt. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle, including The Bugle,

Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.