The Gargle - China gaming | Joe Rogan | Bell End

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

James Colley and James Nokise join host Alice Fraser for episode 27 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🎮 China limits children's gaming🦠 Joe Rogan fights Covid with horse dewormers🥊 Jake Paul fights for pugilism parity🏍 Moped tour Bell End climaxThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he'd gone 84 days now without taking a fish. But what he did take weekly was the gargle, a dose of satirical news politics freshly filleted and deboned of all the politics. The sonic glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper for a visual magazine, the updated earworm for an outdated art form. I'm your

host Alice Fraser. Remember, it's only a Comedienne if it's from the Comedienne region of France, otherwise it's just a sparkling wit. And your guest editors for this week's edition are James Colley and James Nokise. Welcome. Thank you. Hello. It's a delight to have you here. What have you been up to, James and James?okise. Welcome. Thank you. Hello. It's a delight to have you here. What have you been up to, James and James? James first. Well, after you, James.

No, please, after James. James before James. Well, except after James. Oh, of course. I'm so sorry. I haven't been doing anything, Alice. I'm still in lockdown. James? I am trapped away from my home, but in a surprise twist, Alice, I've changed countries. So, I'm now away from my home, but in a surprise twist Alice, I've changed countries.

I'm now trapped in Australia, which is exciting. It's fun. We all have something in common. Yeah, I've done it like a good Kiwi. I've done it in Perth because Kiwis still like to roam free. We'll get into the inside of this magazine in just a minute, but first let's have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week is An Influencer You Don't Recognise From A Platform You've Never Heard Of Dressed In Fashion You Don't Understand. The title reads, New Season Trends You'll Resent Even Having To Imagine On Your Body. Other headlines read, Sexy Ways To Smash The express yourself with indoor plants, top nine deadly weapons you can build out of succulents and the black market

organ economy. What can you get for a kidney these days? The satirical cartoon this week is the great state of Texas lounging loosely on a pile of torn up voting rights. And let's get into the magazine. Our top section this week is a tech family section. China has limited gaming for under 18s. What this is going to do for the Fagan industry is just absolutely devastating. James Nokise, have you been following this story? I have. As a keen late-night gamer, in a non-creepy sense, it's of particular interest.

In a non-creepy sense, it's of particular interest. What they've done, Alice, is China's limited gaming to just one hour a day for children, which sounds responsible in light of all of the young people who may be subject to online addiction to gaming. Except the more you learn, the creepier it gets because they used to know that children were gaming for up to 90 minutes and sometimes three hours in the weekend. But they've trimmed that all down now. And one of the big tech companies is using face recognition technology to check if you're a child or an adult. And they haven't told us how they know that. Because moisturiser exists. We can't all have baby faces, James Nwokise.

Also, I think we all know how this happened. It was the trend for those de-aging pictures that people put up of themselves, which was slowly training AIs to be able to distinguish what age people were. By the way, backing up, when I said it was bad for the Fagan industry, that was because my brain just said, when I read that headline, even though I've written jokes on this particular story, I read it as children aren't allowed to gamble anymore. A ban on child gambling. And I thought, that's very sad for all the Fagins. And then I said that, and then I realized that that had nothing to do with the story. So it was a very good joke about a completely different thing. I feel like your whole childhood, though, is gambling

because you're just constantly doing situations going, what are the odds my parents beat me up for this? It's really interesting because there's pushback. It's China, so the numbers are huge when it comes to online gaming. But I feel like they can just, you know, there's a whole bunch of young Chinese people who are about to discover the joys of Skyrim and Dragon Age and just gaming by yourself. Oh, welcome to cold, lonely nights where you hope your character has a better social life and the imaginary world than you do.

Yes, they get the joyful world where a sim is allowed to online game for two hours and they can experience that for one hour at double speed. I was shocked by this story, Alice. I thought it was very unlike China to have a repressive policy about controlling its people's habits. And I was going to say I thought it was cruel to limit screen time in the age of lockdowns. But luckily, China's coronavirus numbers have remained suspiciously low for ages, even while the rest of the world has had spikes here and there. They've kept theirs really suspiciously down. It's like how Australia keeps meeting its climate targets

and very carefully reporting climate targets in a very particular way. And it's a weight off my shoulders because we can't do international travel before and now I definitely can't do international travel to Beijing. So it just takes a whole area off the map for me to worry about. You wouldn't think the state would have to step in because you figure if you've had a one-child policy for this long,

you can probably get the parents to control that one child. You know, if you have eight children, there's going to be some gaming in the household. but the problem is when you have one child it is so much more important that you don't raise a virgin like it's just for the sheer population economics you need that kid to yeah you're supposed to build the ipad not play on it come on mate get with the program the bit i don't understand about this is that they called online games spiritual they called online games spiritual opium which sounds amazing someone's like don't do this thing it's like opium but on a spiritual level like that just sounds like a better opium i

definitely want to try that opium though i i have to say, I've only really gotten into gaming during the pandemic and anything that stops 13-year-olds from calling me gay online is a policy I support. So I'm hugely behind this. They can only call you gay online for an hour a day. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by Champagne. Champagne of champions who are also men champ main it was that or man pain which is the very thing we're trying to alleviate champ main is the most masculine delicate alcoholic beverage with gentle sparkles you

can slam down after a hard day of hunting or flexing or whatever it is the men do the shape of the champ main glass is not based on marieoinette's weird bosoms, but instead on the weird penis of a fever dream. Champagne, slam some down today. If you can't stomach the intensity of Champagne, try alternating each phallic flute with half a glass of water. ACAST powers the world's

best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate.

It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com

Breaking news, which in the context of a glossy magazine, I assume, is a piece of A4 paper stapled in to the magazine. Breaking news, Joe Rogan has come out on Instagram to say that he has coronavirus. Joe Rogan famously having said that masks are for pussies and that perhaps the coronavirus can be fended off by having a good immune system, has announced on his Instagram

that he is treating his coronavirus with a combination of prednisone steroids, ivermectin and monoclonal antibodies, which is the highest tech thing you can get combined with the thing that people say you should definitely, definitely, definitely not use because it has zero data about it. And all the data that has been put out about it has been debunked fairly thoroughly. James Colley, have you been following this story? I have. I was, again,

I was shocked to my core. How did a man whose job it is to sit in a small room exactly opposite the weirdest freaks he can possibly find for hours just spinning into each other's face catch COVID? I don't get how this happened. I did find it very interesting. Like I've been following the Ivermectin story in quite some detail. It's remarkable to me, as you mentioned, studies being removed for just the level of dodgy data. according to their data, on the 31st of June, which is a date that is not real and has never happened, which feels like even if you're trying to fake data, pick a day that exists at least.

Come on. I don't understand being mad at Joe Rogan for this, though, because he's saying he'll take ivermectin, but I don't think we can rule out the possibility that Joe Rogan just also has worms. That is a separate matter. He has COVID. He's taking some treatments for COVID. He just also has worms. That is a separate matter. He has COVID. He's taking some treatments for COVID. He just also has a parasitic roundworm,

possibly the kind found in livestock. The good news though for this is that the only podcasts nearly as popular as Joe Rogan are the ones that meticulously unpack a grisly death. So either way here, we get content. So the consumer is the winner. I just think it's sort of fascinating. I used to tutor someone when they were in year 12 and i was in university who's now a doctor a research doctor and his sideline hobby is to is debunking ivermectin papers and

he recently had a very public exchange on twitter in which somebody cited a study at him showing the death rates were very very very, very small. And he said, well, according to your reading of this statistic, 20 billion people would have had to have COVID for the death rate to be this low. And the man said, I don't think you know how to understand this research. And he said, it's my paper. So that's always fun. Most satisfying thing you can do online.

Most satisfying thing. Normally only women get to do that you know so it's nice that men are getting in on that action i think we're missing like this is joe rogan this is captain conspiracy you know what if he is the worm boom he's got the look honestly he's got it does He looks like a worm that's found a bodysuit. And is just kind of like... That's why he's always sitting down. Anything he does, he's always sitting there.

He's sitting down because he's over-invested in his masculinity and he happens to be 5'7". Which isn't a matter of shame for anyone except if you're over-invested in your masculinity. But is he 5'7"? The only problem is if he literally is a worm it's the only way ivermectin could be more dangerous for him to take it's a worst decision to make if you are physically a worm but that's such a joe rogan move

look statistically he's likely to be okay you know he's not in a hugely dangerous demographic group and eventually we will discover the answer to the ongoing question. Is the pleasantly open-minded, ineffably gullible, performatively masculine, audio everyman superstar actually the human version of an NFT? And if so, how much will he sell himself for online? Alice, can I tell you who I really feel for in this story? Yes. In this whole problem problem I think the real victim in this are the itchy arsed horses of the world like they've already got it tough it's

difficult to scratch with a hoof it's bordering on impossible but where there's a will there's an a but now all of their medical supplies are being taken away and if I was a horse I would be looking to strike back and you know what I would do I'd'd take all the asthma puffers. Is it fair? No. But it's a strong opening offer for an eventual horse negotiation. And as for when peace will occur, don't hold your breath because they have all the asthma puffers.

So wait, now we're going to war with the horses? This is a great Joe Rogan episode. Now it's time for your Equality in Sport section. An unlikely champion has emerged from the sinks of the internet. Jake Paul, previously known for monetizing the desire you have to watch him get punched in the face, has come out in defense of women's sports pay. James Nwokise, you like men punching each other in the face.

Can you explain this story to us? I just want to clarify that remark, Alice. I like seeing Jake Paul getting punched in the face. It's a very different niche of spiritual opium, I think you'd call it. What's happened here is that a YouTube star who became really unliked decided that if he could punch people and people could punch him, everyone would watch. And now he has a platform and now he's talking and people are taking what he's saying seriously. So thankfully, he's chosen women's rights. He's chosen women's rights. Everyone agrees with him, but is very confused.

Because for our listeners who don't know Jake Paul, for the love of God, don't Google him. James Colley, have you been following this? Yeah, I frankly resent being given any reason to think positively about Jake Paul. about Jake Paul. Like, obviously this story is absolute baby steps, but in a sport that's usual history, let's say with women in general, will put in the section of

criminally bad? Even this is somewhat light years ahead. Like, he is... This is essentially a new wave of feminism as far as the boxing world is concerned. This is huge. I just wish, my only hope is that Joe Rogan could have lived to see this.

It is such a shame. He wouldn't love this moment as a combat sports fan. My worry with the Joe Rogan thing is I think he's probably going to be fine. He's a healthy dude in a fairly safe demographic. If he doesn't get long COVID covid he'll be back on the misinformation bandwagon but my problem is the people who like believe joe rogan well on that though like ivermectin barely cracks the top 10 of worrying drugs joe rogan has endorsed like if you're if you're already listening to joe rogan and you're on a cocktail of ayahuasca and lsd

and you wander into a horse supply store, that just sounds hilarious to me. That's like a Hunter S. Thompson fever dream where suddenly everyone's a horse around you and those horses have worms coming out of them. Well this is like, I mean I guess this is the equivalent of like if you found out

that fleshlights might make your kidneys fail. Wait, that's not a thing? That's a Joe Rogan inside joke. He was touting fleshlights for years and kidneys fail. Wait, that's not a thing? That's a Joe Rogan inside joke. He was touting fleshlights for years. But now he's on Spotify and apparently his reach has gone down. Well, when your reach goes down, that's usually because you're using a fleshlight.

I will say, Alice, my concern with Jake Paul's stance is that they're originally pranksters, the Paul brothers. And I have a deep concern that this is all just a ploy. And in one year, we're going to be watching Jake Paul go, what? Why can't I fight a woman? I used to have that joke. You don't look like a feminist to me. I bet you wouldn't even hit a woman. That's a blast from the past. Your joke has something that Jake Paul

would not understand. and that is irony. That's all the time we have for that because now it is time for your reviews section. As ever each week we ask our guest editors to come in and review something out of five stars. James Colley what have you brought in for us? Well I thought it was as is the legal determination in my

area, best for me to review a five kilometkilometer circle in any direction from where I currently am because anyone who is not in our current situation might not know this, but the only place we are allowed to visit, specifically in my area, is a five-kilometer circle around where I am.

Now, you can meet up with a friend in that area provided there's a little venn diagram program happening i did check with a friend over where our five kilometer circles overlap and the answer was a graveyard which didn't seem like the kind of thing that would really cheer you up in this kind of a time i mean covid times you've got to check into a graveyard always feels a little weird and you've got to scan in your qr code all i'm asking is if there's a qr code on a grave i want to see a highlight reel of that person's life which feels like a pretty great use for a grave site honestly but um i will say of of my five kilometers it starts off good and then you see it a second and a third and a fourth and a tenth and a twentieth time and do you know what

it never changes that is the best and worst thing i can say about it it never ever changes just like every day never ever changes right now i would like to give my five kilometre radius five stars, one for each kilometre. James, what have you brought in to review for us? What I've got is the All Blacks are in Western Australia this weekend. The All Blacks are playing in Perth. They're playing the Australian rugby team, which is proof that New Zealand is insane. Because what's happened is we've locked down our country and no one can go in or out but then Australia's asked New Zealand would you like to play rugby and we've gone hey what is a lockdown so the entire team have got vexed up and

they've flown over here and hopefully ticket sales are going to be okay because the australian rules which has none uh are playing their final uh in perth as well so all in all um i'm gonna give it five stars but only because my cousin just got named captain of the all blacks shout out arty uncle uncle james is proud but also uncle james will never do anything to please his dad as much as you've just done every game yeah oh my god yeah i read a study today that said the most prevalent conspiracy theory in new zealand is that the All Blacks were poisoned once. Can you take me through this? That's not a thing any of us believe. Basically what happened is, I don't know if you've seen the documentary on this,

but Morgan Freeman asked Matt Damon if he could win South Africa the Rugby World Cup and New Zealand was the team they had to beat in the final and the thing you have to understand about New Zealand James is that we don't lose rugby games because the other team is more inspired by a moment in history we lose We lose because a random cook poisoned the breakfast. And that is why we didn't win the World Cup in 1995. The other times, bad luck. But specifically, in New Zealand, we almost went to war. The country got split on whether apartheid was the right idea or not in the 80s. But in 1995, we were all united in believing that the South Africans had poisoned our rugby team.

And that's why we didn't win. So no. To be fair, if any country was going to poison any country, it would be the South Africans. You know what I mean? They make a good baddie in a movie. I just watched Elysium the other day great movie goes off the rails about halfway through where you can see the studio starting to make notes but the baddie in that such a good baddie South African oh five stars for the baddie South African in in the film Elysium with Matt Damon I would say

that luckily because no one not even a football star can afford a full breakfast in Perth, I think the All Blacks are going to win that game against the Wallabies. I hope so because otherwise what the hell are you doing here boys? Now it's time for your pull out section. Office efficiency tips on when to hold it in

and when to do a poo. Sometimes it's hard to know when to do a poo. Are you interrupting something delicate or important like a tennis match or the showdown at the end of an action movie or can you just pop out for a second and return to business as usual once relieved of your business as usual. Top tip! Always go to the toilet when you need to on a date. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you give them a chance to check their teeth in a mirror

and text their safety number and also if it happens later unexpectedly that's way worse than breaking the mood right now marathon runners often don't feel the need to even stop running in order to do a poo but if you're on a run around the block make the time in modern life we have zoom meetings and there's nothing to stop us from building in a commode to the office chair we sit on just carve a strategic sinkhole over the leg is it a leg on an office office chair we sit on. Just carve a strategic sinkhole over the leg. Is it a leg on an office chair or is it called a pole or a pile? I don't know. Anyway, that's a good tip, except that you have to remember not to pull the lever that sinks the chair down because everything in the stem of the chair will fountain back

up like the regrets you have about converting your office chair into a commode. And that's the end of our pull-out section. Now it's time for our travel section, our final travel section. This is a story out of Oxfordshire in England. A man touring places, deliberately touring places with rude names in the UK, has arrived at his final destination. First of all, gentlemen, what was his final destination called? And secondly, have you been following this story? This is Paul Taylor from Wantage in Oxfordshire, which is a very unrued name. He started off in Shitterton in Dorset. And he's reached Twat in Orkney, which is a very rude word from 1953.

Actually, Alice, my apologies. He didn't finish in twat. It is a problem for some men. He got stuck there and he ended up finishing in bellend. I mean, that is what happens. If you pull out of twat, you finish in bellend. That's a joke about masturbation and the pullout method which although much derided is actually 96 effective in preventing

pregnancy James Colley have you been following this adventure of course I've been following this adventure I have been a fan of rude place names all the way from Mount Buggery at the top of Australia to Cochington Green in Canberra, which is a miniature village, which is particularly adept considering how cold Canberra gets. I love when anyone goes through rude name towns. I'm a big fan of a rude name town. My only problem is all, and apologies, all British town names are weird.

All of them, everyone. Like, I can't tell what is a town name and what is a strange way of serving toast with egg. I genuinely think that the vaccine rollout went better in the UK because if people say, oh, we're worried about clotting, they think that's a town south of London, like clotting on Trent.

He went to different locations, not just towns, but also streets with names. So including the streets of his itinerary, he had The Knob, which was in King Sutton, Butthole Lane in Shepshed, and Titty Ho in Rawens, Northamptonshire. I think that's really wonderful. But this is the thing.

England used to be, I think, a little bit more bawdy, a little bit less up its own arse, don't you think? Well, up its own arse is actually south of Cambridge. And I've gigged there. I find this very strange because it was a tribute to a friend who passed away, which adds a bit of wholesomeness to it. Arse wholesomeness, of course. But, like, adds some wholesomeness to the story.

But also suggests, like, look, I know i'm not long for this world i want you to spend about six months of your life doing the most immature thing that you can as a tribute to me i start wondering what would my friends do for me in the same case because honestly i think for my own personal tribute it would be standing next to the weirdest icons in australia that you could find go go into other big things for me uh if you do not know this we have big prawns we have big pineapples darwin has a kangaroo wearing boxing gloves that's my kind of thing if you could if you could get yourself around there i think this is a sign of a truly good friendship friends aren't there for you when it matters they're there after you're

gone doing really dumb shit which is another town it's nice to bond with friends over things that you share even if what you share is a very silly sense of humor and speaking on the morning after completing the challenge uh mr taylor said i'm pleased to be going back to see my wife and my dogs presumably his wife and dogs being called uh fanny tits and butthole i don't know some of these feel like i don't understand like here's what i'm trying to get into not just this tour when you are founding this town it is whatever 10 56 and you are wandering through northampton sheer and you're like well this is titty ho for sure this is this is definitely a titty and

over here that's absolutely penis stone and if we keep going we're going to hit cockerfield and clitoro like are we falling for i think penis stone penis stone definitely has an arthurian kind of excalibur like theme going on there i think like what should we call that stone it look if like a penis penis i mean uh titty titty ho arse hill is just lazy that's just yeah what should we name it well it's 4 55 on a friday and i want to hit the pub so this is arse hill let's go ogle kind of speaks to the people who are founding the town more than to the location itself. Isn't Arse Hill one of those things that you can cure with ivermectin? And that brings us to the end of the show. Flipping through the ads section at the end,

a memorial for the death of Geronimo the alpaca will be attended by loving family and friends. Please send in tributes and tuberculosis. James Colley, have you got anything to plug? I always love plugging a quantum of science on Instagram if you're following this, which is a bunch of very silly science headlines that I like to put together.

And otherwise, you can find me at Jam Colley on social media. Drinking a gallon of milk while staring down an enemy is an effective intimidation tactic, according to the dairy industry of North Hampshire and James Nukise have you got anything to plug? I have a new season of my podcast Eating Fried Chicken in the Shower coming out at the end of September for New Zealand Mental Health Week which is at the very end and you can find me on Instagram because I'm actually taking some time off social media and I've found that's really good for my mental health

is not being on Twitter or Facebook and just using the Instagram story to put out easily deletable nuggets. Highly recommend. I mean, that's beautiful. If I had any mental health left, I would absolutely pick up that advice. Thanks to Megan Siller, our roving reporter

who sent in the silly place name story. If you have a story that you think would be suitable for the gargle, send it in to us on Twitter, at HelloGogglers. I'm your host, Alice Fraser. Please find me online at at Alliterative on Twitter and Instagram or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser, which is a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up comedy specials, podcasts and blogs, as well as my weekly Tea with Alice salons

where we have a chat about stuff. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. and blogs as well as my weekly tea with Alice salons where we have a chat about stuff your editor is Ped Hunter your executive producer is Chris Skinner this is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production I'll talk to you next week you can listen to other programs from the Bugle including the Bugle the Last Post Tiny Revolutions and the Gargle wherever you find your podcasts