The Gargle - Cicada butts | Chicken kissing | Organised crime

Episode Date: May 27, 2021

Matthew Crosby and Ben Clark from Pappy's join host Alice Fraser for episode 13 of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🦟 Cicada butt fungus 🐔 Chicken kissing💉 Vaccine lottery📸 Yearbook censorship✡️ Rabbi gang🧀 Cheese dealerCatch Tiff's Stevenson's Tiny Revolutions in your pod feed now.This is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from the Bugle. by the government. They survive as soldiers of fortune, slinging satire, avoiding politics, bringing you the audio glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. We are The Gargle. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them,

maybe you can hire the A-Team. If you can't find the A-Team and what you need instead of soldiers is satirical comedians, maybe you can hire The Gargle. Our contributors to this week's edition, their headshots enshrined on the inside of the front cover alongside an anodyne chatty piece by me, the editor, are our special guest editors, Pappies.

I'll let you introduce yourselves as you turn sassily to the camera because all British male comedians look the same to me. Hello, I'm Matthew Crosby. I am the short one in Pappies with glasses and a beard. And I am Ben Clark. I'm the devastating good-looking one in Pappy's with glasses and a beard. And I am Ben Clark. I'm the devastating good-looking one from Pappy's. On the front cover of the magazine this week, we have Kim Kardashian sexily stacking legal papers

as she prepares a defence against accusations of wage theft and illegal work conditions. What could be a bad look for the billionaire-ess has been smoothed out with the application of editing software. The sheaf of paper has clearly been photoshopped to look more buxom and poreless. Other headlines on the front cover include BUT FUNGUS! CHECK YOUR CICADA TODAY!

and HOW TO RESCHEDULE YOUR HOLIDAY IN BELARUS as well as UFOs, which is your favourite unlikely theory to argue in the absence of either data or the education to interpret that data if you did have access to it, which let us repeat, you don't. Inside the satirical cartoon this week is a magic eye picture of the old lady that's a young lady, but it's the Queen and Princess Diana. And depending on how you look at it, you see each one's different point of view and how it has anything to do with megan markle that brings us to section one of this magazine uh animals section now our first story has to do with uh cicada butt stuff

matthew you know about cicada butt stuff what's happening with this story well this is a story about a a fungus that uh these now i i was gonna say cicada is it a cicada is it cicada as in like like john cicada who recorded just another day just another day without you so this would be just another day without my butt in the uh from one butt stuff to another you say cicada i say cicada i don't i don't know which is correct, but it probably says something about which class you come from. Well, I mean, they're not native to the UK, so I think anything we are saying is going to be cultural appropriation.

So let's just go with cicada. And this fungus inhabits their body, and the end effect of it is it makes their butts turn white and drop off. And there's nothing less funky than a white butt. We all know that, especially one that's dropped off. But before all of that, some amazing stuff happens. They get incredibly horny. They start giving out mating signals for both males and both for males and females so they're basically that they want to shag anything and it also apparently it puts them on a sort of psychedelic

trip so this sounds like my weekend by the way i've still got your butt i need to give it back to you clark oh yeah thank you for that thank you but yeah so it's it's it's an amazing story but i mean what what we're sort of you know we're burying the lead slightly it also kills them but what a way to go i mean yeah yeah of all of the sexy ways to die your butt falling off has got to be number one it's pretty good isn't it it's pretty it's i mean it's almost to the point where i feel like if we could harness this for humans there must be people who are like well you know i'm 97 i've had a good innings why don't i just go i just bow out on one big bisexual psychedelic shag fest you know i could do it

for a really brilliant 48 hours you know it's uh it's a mix a lot sequel to uh big butts i've got no butt and now i can die one butt can only lie and one butt can only tell the truth this reminds me i was writing jokes about this story and it just reminded me of when i went i lived in new york for a year and i was like more than once i was followed with the refrain of what's a butt like that doing on a white girl and I feel like somehow these two stories are linked but I don't know how what you really need is for that to have a detachable butt that they can can then like emit mace or something like that so the butt drops off it distracts the guys like oh there's

the butt I was talking about and then straight in in his face. That's what you need. If only I could have said, it's a horrible fungal situation that will kill you. What you don't realise is, this white butt is symptomatic of all of my internal organs calcifying. So it gives with one hand, it takes away with the other. It would make for a more exciting ending to the movie A Bug's Life, wouldn't it? It really would. Instead of Flick getting credit for his wonderful inventions and waving farewell to the movie A Bug's Life, wouldn't it? You know, instead of Flick, you know, getting credit for his wonderful inventions

and waving farewell to the circus bugs, he goes on a 48-hour shag fest. I don't think it would have got its U certification, but still, I'd watch it. I'd be more inclined to watch it, yeah. Three people sent this in on Twitter. Dario Landizzuri, Radomio and DrCrazyCatLady all sent this in via our account at HelloGogglers.

Our next story is about ants, ageless vampire ants. Ben Clark, you're an ageless vampire ant. Can you tell us about this story? I am. Thank you for noticing. yeah so again it this this is a parasite that gets into uh a temino thorax ant we all know and love and uh it's it lives in them it's this tapeworm and when it makes it it bizarrely it makes them live longer and also they kind of uh release a different kind of sense so all the worker ants it would normally be a work rant but all the worker ants just kind of work for them they carry them around they look after them and they kind of stay in this youthful state and they actually like outlive their normal um normal other work ants by like three times the amount.

Yeah, there's a character in Star Trek that does that. Oh, really? Yeah, Dax. Never mind, don't worry about it. Here's the thing, Alice, we just look like nerds. We've just got the look and the voices of nerds, but unfortunately you can talk to us about your Doctor Whos or your Harry Potters.

We don't know. We've got no clue. You just look like a nerd, but it's actually a horrible fungal infection yeah i've got to go my butt's just dropped off all the bigger guys can carry us around and pamper us yeah well yeah that's that's the thing isn't it it's that they get treated like they get treated like kings you know yeah it reminded me of when my brothers uh and i go back for christmas and we just like lie on the sofa just lie on the sofa and my mum is working like really really hard to make sure christmas is wonderful bringing us all these well you know she's having to work double time in order for us to have the christmas we want which is to be total lazy bastards.

And you're just reverting back to your younger self. Exactly, yeah. I take on a youthful glow because I'm just, you know, lying on the sofa eating tiramisu. And in other horrible animal parasite news, now we have a chicken kissing story. I'm going to open this to the floor. Which of you is most passionate about chicken kissing? Absolutely me. As you all know, I'm completely foul.

Is that what this is? Come on, just a peck, just a peck. Just a peck. Follow it up. So, yes, in America, they have warned people not to kiss your chicken because of a salmonella outbreak so do not kiss or kind of snuggle if that's something people do with their chickens because you can get salmonella off the so you've got to go straight to the shagging. But where's the romance in that?

Come on. It's true. This is such an odd story to me because it's one of those things that I don't think one would do unless it had been suggested to you that you shouldn't. And now you've got the tickle, haven't you, Alice? Now you're thinking, oh, next time I'm walking past a coop, you've been kicked out of the co-op for that reason haven't you?

It's like when you do a corporate gig and they say just don't make jokes about X and then all of a sudden that's all you want to do and you don't even have a joke but then you write that joke and then it's on the tip of your tongue the whole gig but it's apparently because a lot of millennials have bought chickens during the lockdowns around the world

during the coronavirus because of a sort of a desire for companionship slash prepper for the apocalypse situation and then of course these are people who are equipped with instagram and therefore feel obliged to display extravagantly their affection for their chickens there's not just an exploitative food source that they have a relationship with this chicken and and and it's now they're having to warn people. Don't get off with your chickens. Oh, mate. Where do you stand, Alice, on the...

Do you have any pets? I do not have any pets. Where do you stand on the kissing your pets, you know, your domesticated pets? Because I have a little cat, Cosmo, and I've definitely kissed Cosmo. I mean, it's fine. Cosmo's an indoor cat. You know, I know where she's been. She's not going out.

You know, she's certainly not getting off with any chickens. I know that much. But cats do kind of get off with parts of themselves, though, don't they? They do lick their own parts. Yes. Yeah, you make a very good point. But then again, so do you. I think I'd be better off pecking a chicken.

Six of one and half a dozen of the other. I get the feeling, though, that a cat's tongue is self-cleansing you know telling yourself that's wrong i'm sure that's wrong anyway i'm not i'm not getting off with it with tongues but you know i'm the cat's tongue is self-cleansing because she's you know right if for example you rubbed right say for example you had a piece of toilet paper and you rubbed it on your butt. You wouldn't then go, well, this is good for my armpits as well, would you? No. But the cat is doing the butt, but it's also doing the paws. It's also doing, you know, it's licking its paws and doing the face as well.

So it must be all right. I feel there's a hierarchy of licking things and touching things, you know, sort of top down. So I feel like it's not dirty for your cat to lick you but it is dirty for you to lick your cat yeah that seems fair okay all right I'll stop licking I'll stop licking my cat and I say this as someone who's had to make this very uh decision where my brother's ex-girlfriend hit on me and so uh I and it was too haunted for me wait too haunted wait she too haunted. Wait, she was a cat? Your brother's ex-girlfriend was a cat,

and you almost got off with your brother. This is... I never expected the story was going to go this turn. Now I know you brought this up. Well, this is the thing. I didn't. For me, I didn't, because there was too much ghost. You drew the line.

I drew the line. I drew the line. It's like you wouldn't use a secondhand dildo. Most likely of all household appliances to be haunted. That's true. There's too much. Even if you put a prophylactic over the top of it, it's the memories, isn't it?

It's the memories. You can never scrub off the memories. They say an elephant never forgets. That was sent in by Josh Clasco, at Josh Clasco on Twitter. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. Do you need someone to take you in hand and secretary your life, you procrastinating f**khead? Try the Mariah Poplins Robot Assistant. Halfway between a Siri strapped to a Roomba and the interfering spirit of a long dead Victorian nanny, the Mariah Poplin's Robot Assistant uses decommissioned Russian military

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Available now from all unlicensed retailers. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has...

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Ohio is offering a lottery vaccine. Matthew, have you got opinions about this? Well, I'm a bit disappointed. Basically, it's the second, because a lot of people went for the first vaccine. That was really, really popular. But that's the thing with sequels. Never quite as popular,

are they? Harder to get people into the hospitals to get vaxxed, into the clinics. So people aren't going for the second vax. So if you've had your first vax and you go for your second one and you're within the age bracket, then you can win a million dollars if you live in Ohio. And I can't get behind this story because I've had my second one already because I'm an old man. It's a $5 million packet you can win from.

Five people are going to win. It's a very Willy Wonka golden ticket kind of thing. But it's only got one million people to actually enter. If only it were the Willy Wonka golden ticket, though, and you could go in and get jabbed and then watch other people suffer from the consequences of their own arrogance and stupidity. Well, if you win, you get to meet Bill Gates and he shows you the little microchip he's putting in your body. That's why they can't show it to you.

But yeah, I feel like they could have just given everyone a fiver. I reckon that would have worked just as well, right? Say maths. If you're going to get a million people taking it up, just say everyone gets a fiver i reckon that would have worked just as well right say say maths if you're gonna get a million people taking it up just say everyone gets a fiver yeah i'd do that pay for a drink on the way home yeah would work right a little bonus it doesn't need to be a million dollars or give or give 5 000 people five grand or 5g wait oh no oh hang on a sec 5g have you been vaxxed clark i don't i don't even think i've asked you have you been vaxxed i haven't actually no i've got my appointments how are you feeling about it i'm excited yeah

really excited it's great i've got mine so early that i went along and it was literally me and octogenarians there was some sort of like some sort of i was i was apparently in cohort six and i was trying to work out what you know how i managed to get into that elite group of cohort six i don't know what i've never not met you just look a bit weak they just see me wheezing around beckoning and going oh god he's not got long has he poor poor old kaja it's he looks a bit geek he must be vulnerable in some way the problem is uh that in a very small case of vaccinations there is the side effect of um you're getting a really hot butt and then dying of a

fungal infection that's it that's it my butts i mean i've i've now been two weeks since i had my second vax and my butt is is intact it's slowly sliding down my legs, but that's just age. That's got nothing to do with it. That's just life, baby. That's just gravity. Well, that brings us to our review section. Both of our guests have brought in things to review. Ben Clark, what have you brought in to review? I have brought in a coffee that I had yesterday. I was on my way to a job. I stopped it on the the service station and went to one of those drive-in coffee places I don't know why but I that wasn't that wasn't even a sarcastic reaction I was like I think it's because it's been so long since i've done any of that kind of stuff it just seems really enticing it seems really exciting yeah

well that was it i was quite excited by it to me it seems like a really admirable act of self-care to just go and get yourself a coffee like that thank you good on you you've got to look after you've got to look it's all about it's all about wellness that's what you've got to know about clark he's all about wellness if he needs a if he needs a little pick me up he will get in his car runs on petrol he'll drive for miles unnecessarily miles away from the kettle he has in his house miles away and he'll get himself a coffee he's a good he's a good bloke it's all about number one man you just got to look after yourself and no one else. But when I got there, I asked for a large coffee, and I had no idea just the size the coffee would be.

It was absolutely vast. So it's still going. It's absolutely vented. It's still on the go, and I've got to say it was terrible. Coffee shouldn't be that big. So wait, you bought it yesterday and you're still, you haven't just... It's still on the go, yeah. It is still on the go. What are you doing? Just like reheating it in the microwave or just sipping away on this like...

I guess after a while it becomes iced coffee, doesn't it? At what point on the linear time graph did you assess this not very good coffee? Because if it was like day two, I feel like that's understandable and not really a coffee isn't necessarily to blame. It's not like a fine wine. It doesn't get better with age. You know, you can't put it in your cellar and come back in three years' time and go, oh, yeah, this was a good vintage.

Oh, no, does it not? I thought it was like buying Bitcoin or something. It's just going to go up in value. Oh, I have some news about Bitcoin that you are not going to want to hear. Oh, dear. Yeah, well, if anyone wants to buy some coffee, I've still got a couple of litres of the stuff left, I think. Good luck with the eBay sale.

Thanks, man. So out of five, how many stars would you rank this? Two. Two stars out of five. And yet, this is the testament to the fortitude of the British spirit that you're still going with it. Oh, yeah. Well, one star for yesterday's coffee and one star for today's.

And who knows? If it makes it onto a third day, it could go up. Matthew, what have you brought in to review? I've actually got it here. I've realised I've balanced my laptop on it, but it is, it's this. Now, I'll show you this. Now, this is something like...

Such a visual medium, the podcast. But I'll talk you through it for the listener at home. Now, this, I'm holding up here a William Morris print, which is, you know, like a kind of gorgeous uh foliage and leaves and flowers all all interlocking here it's got a uh it's got a wooden frame around it but underneath it it's got the same print but it's a bean bag right that's right you can eat your dinner off a william morris print now basically here's thing. We've got, we recently moved house. We've recently moved house

and my wife and I have basically realised that we've got no need for a dining table. We just don't bother with a dining table. We never eat. We always eat in front of the telly. You know, that's the couple. That's the kind of couple we are. This feels like the beginning of three conversations

where you end up living in a caravan. As long as I got my William Morris print dinner tray and I'll end up living in a caravan as long as i got my william morris print uh dinner tray and i'll be very happy in that caravan but yeah basically this i bought this and when they arrived it was only when we unwrapped them that my wife and i realized we might have given up on life i know it's i know it's a william morris print so it's quite fancy but basically it's it is you know i think it might have actually this might have been the reason i got the vac so early someone saw it through someone watched me watch me through my window eating dinner he went oh my god look at

him he's eating fish cakes he's eating fish cakes and mashed potato off a william morris print dinner tray i mean that's upset me more than the tray. There's mash in a fish cake, mate. You're double mashing. Oh, no, listen. If you're having, the fish cake I was eating was a sweet potato mash inside that. So it's a double,

yeah, it's a double mash situation, but two very distinct veg, I would say. You can have two types of mash i don't know if that's two year five a day though mate no no i also had mash carrots and mash swedes i should tell you i can't eat solid fruits the thing about multiple mashers if you put them close enough to one another they become one mash well this is they've all got in the neutral bullet first alice they'd all got in the neutral bullet um i pureed everything and then i can remember you were william morris straw next They'd all gone in the Nutribullet first, Alice. They'd all gone in the Nutribullet. I puree everything.

Can I reveal you a William Morris straw next? I've got a William Morris drip, is what I've got. And we just sit there, we pop on a box set, and it just drips through. And by 9pm, the hunger's gone. I feel like this is such a perfect fusion of giving up and trying too hard. This is like diamond encrusted, elasticated waist tracksuit pants.

You know, like this. The upmarket pensioner. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Really. I think you're right. I could see this as being something that Kim Kardashian's mum called.

You know, she's got that sort of, I'm a pensioner i'm quite groovy it's that kind of thing that's that's me chris jenner chris jenner that's it of course chris jenner uh yeah i see myself as beckoning was answered to chris jenner in only that respect you know i've also given up a bit but um but yeah but you know what we've got we've got we've got one each uh charlie's one is is not a william morris print it's a lovely kind of peacock feather print it looks absolutely gorgeous five stars well that is the end of our review section now it's time for section three of this magazine high school photo prudes section now uh this of course is a story in america about 80 students in a florida high school have had their photos edited to be more modest. Ben Clark, you're showing a bit of cleavage right now.

How do you feel about this? Thank you for noticing. Yeah, well, obviously it's mad. And also they have pointed out that the swim team, the male swim team, have got photos in the same album of them just in you know they're kind of the tiny we call them budgie smugglers and that's fine they've not been edited in any way i should point out the the photos of the girls that they've edited they're not they're not in any way like plunging necklines or anything no one's wearing like a like like the mankini or anything like that it's not like you know it's not like someone's just showed up to school with with you know like braces and

nothing else yeah it's just they're very ordinary photographs in the first place so it's absolutely mad behavior i'd say yeah not not to strawman the people doing this but it feels like the people doing this are the people who make fun of trigger warnings yeah yes absolutely yeah when in fact this is exactly what they needed. In the front of the yearbook, they should have gone trigger warning, some mild cleavage. Parental guidance recommended. That's, I mean, that would, you're exactly right.

That's exactly what they're doing. But that would be so outrageous. Imagine putting that on the front. By the way, if you are reading this watch out some of our students are absolute stonkers that would be like that would be you just imagine that the school would be shut down it would make your head spin so you know like everything's r-rated if you're filthy enough minded exactly as i prove often on this podcast. It reminded me of my school photographs when we had our school photographs. Now, they didn't do, it was an all boys school,

but they did actually have our photos taken in sixth form after our swimming lesson. They allowed us to get dressed after it, but everybody in their photo had wet hair. It was just, it was like, it was mad. I don't know why they scheduled it that way. They hadn't gone, well, we'll just do the photos first and you'll move the swimming lesson into hair it was just it was like it was it was mad i don't know why they'd scheduled it that way they hadn't they hadn't gone well we'll just do the photos first you'll move the swimming lesson into when it was so and i i've always had long hair i had long hair at school as well so it just looks like it looked really it was really really straggly the only person who um who managed to get around it was tim jenner um you don't know he went to my school but jenna's oldest child one of the kardashians um but he um he his hair couldn't couldn't get wet what i beg your pardon

yeah this is amazing he used to he'd go watch this was he he'd go on i don't know what it was he'd go under the water he would he'd come up out of the water and that it would just that the water would run off the hair and it would be it would be bone dry immediately after this i mean the natural oils yeah like that sand you can buy that you know the kids play with you put it in the water it does stuff and you bring it out and it's dry it was like this sounds like a prince andrew excuse or something no because i saw it with my own eyes i was in the swimming lesson with him he was the only one who had a good photograph because he he could duck his head under bring it up dry hair

i don't know what i mean i mean i the government should have been testing him they should have been using you know he could have been you know he could have been working for north face or something they could have been weaving you, weaving jackets out of his pew. Oh, no. Are you sure Tim Jenner wasn't the ghost of, like, a long-abandoned Victorian schoolboy? He was pale,

but he just spent a lot of time on his computer. I don't think he was actually a ghost. No, I think... He was... I mean, I've touched his hair and it was dry as a bone. That's mad.

I wonder what he's up to now. I mean, if he's listening, Tim, if you're listening, get in touch. That's mad. I wonder what he's up to now. I mean, if he's listening, Tim, if you're listening, get in touch. He's 100% still at that school pretending to be a school child. He's clearly a ghost. Let's not pretend he's not a ghost.

He's a magical goblin who's, like, he wished for superpowers but just didn't really think it through when he made his wish. What do you want your wish to be? Well, I'd love it for my hair to never get wet. Well, all right, if you want that.

You could have had laser beams that killed people, but no, all right, fine, great. Alakazam. That's all the time we have for Section 3. Now it's time for our final section in this glossy magazine. This is organised crime news. This is one of my favourite kinds of story. A set of Long Island rabbis.

Is it a set? A gang of Long Island rabbis. A collective of Long Island... All I know is Long Island rabbi is my favourite cocktail. A bunch of Long Island rabbis have been accused of using mafia-like tactics in a battle over turf regarding kosher food. Matthew, you're part of a gang. Can you

tell me more about this kosher love story? So basically, there are two factions who will come to your restaurant and determine whether or not you're keeping good kosher conditions, which now I am I'm not of the Jewish persuasionasion i have no i do not i'm not a kosher man myself so i don't know all of the rules but i know there's certainly it's it's definitely about keeping certain foods apart it's also about keeping certain cutlery uh apart you know that all has to be separated so anyway someone will come around and check and they'll give you the you know i guess it's a bit it's all i imagine it's a little bit like the food hygiene thing they can give you the the approval on the outside of the restaurant that says, this is a kosher place as approved by our particular company.

Now there's one that has been doing it for ages and there's a new one that's come along that is apparently a little bit cheaper, but every bit is thorough. And so loads of people, you know, that's the nature of capitalism, is that loads of people have gone to the cheaper guys, but the slightly more expensive guys, they've decided to sort of take, like you say, a mafia approach and start intimidating the people who aren't using them. And I don't know, like, I don't know what that,

I don't know what that entails. It can't, I mean, surely a horse's head is not kosher. You can't be leaving that in people's beds. Well, also, the other thing is, it's not a great marketing tactic to get people to buy from you. I feel like, well, maybe it is the inevitable end of all advertising is for someone to come and say, buy my product or else. Yeah, shop at McDonald's or I'll beat the f*** out of you.

would come and say buy my product or else yeah shop at mcdonald's or i'll beat the well i mean at the moment it's all just psychological abuse buy our product or you'll be as uncool as you are or whatever it is yeah that really works in me actually now you say that advertising is absolutely abuse isn't it look at you you're miserable you're unhappy your life is a total mess if you had this you know gillette razor shave away all your problems exactly yeah maybe it's because of the the you know the the uniforms everything i could imagine rabbis being quite quite intimidating i could imagine that when i i I was raised Catholic and the closest we ever came to this was they announced that they were going to open shops on Good Friday, the day they crucified

our Lord. And myself and all the people from the church, I didn't organize it, you know, but I was only a little kid. But we all marched down the high street with like banners to say don't you know don't shop then you needed a snack didn't you we walked you know pret a manger was right there come on not made of stone um yeah that's no we uh no we were obviously we're all hopped up on the on the body of christ we were had our bellies full of that but um but yeah we just seemed i mean we didn't seem threatening we just seemed a little bit sad you know we were missing out on all the great bargains all the great easter easter weekend bargains but um i don't know the catholic church has a fine tradition of standover tactics and that that incense ball thing looks like a mason about to

happen that's true from high mass yeah. If you spun that round to your head and clocked someone at the top of it, they'd know about it. They really would. Yeah, also it's a bit like an Acme bomb, isn't it? Yeah. It's got all kinds of techniques. You just throw it at someone and boom.

I mean, you could absolutely offend a lot of people by having different vestment offs in the way that they have, you know, superheroes versus superheroes who'd win in a fight. You think about like the full vestments, whatever the kosher vestments that you have, who's going to beat whom if they've got all the equipment? Well, yeah. Rabbis versus Catholics. I mean, that's that's a movie that needs to be made in sort of alien versus predator style way. You don't know where they're going to put the shofar, though. And then you have, like, you know, those Mortal

Kombat kill lines of, like, shofar, show good. Oh, I love it. And the end would be like the end of Scarface, but instead of all the cocaine, it's just kosher salt on the table in front of him. No offence to any religion. Our next story in the organised crime news section has to do with cheese.

Ben Clark, you're a mature blue. Thank you very much. Yeah, it's mould. It's also the rating on your shows. It certainly is. Yeah, so a drug dealer has been caught due to his love of cheese. This is quite extraordinary. He was dealing drugs online and the police were trying to find him i mean how does this work he ate too much cheese got stuck in the toilet yeah he just you know when you have

a certain amount you just kind of enter a vegetative state and they're just able to catch you didn't that happen to um uh kim jong-un didn't he ate eat so much emmental that he broke both his ankles? Is it this? I think you're talking about Genghis Khan, maybe? His son's wedding feast? Ate so much cheese that he exploded? Is that how Genghis Khan died? He ate so much cheese he exploded?

Not so much cheese. I think he ate so much stuff that he had an incident. It's like Tico Brahe but the whole of him yeah didn't Kim Jong-un he was like a big fan of eating like like Emmental cheese and he used to wear

because he wears those Cuban heels doesn't he and they put on a bit of put on a bit of extra timber hopped into his Cuban heels and they flopped over and broke both his ankles

wait we're being hang on a second we've been sent an article here this is look Kim Jong-un is so fat from eating cheese he both his ankles. Wait, we're being... Hang on a second. We've been sent an article here. Look, Kim Jong is so fat from eating cheese that he broke his ankles. I tell you.

October 2014. This is straight out of today's papers. He's like our Brian Harvey. I feel this is one of those stories in which correlation and causation have definitely been mixed up. You might as well say he's so unstable from eating cheese and being a maniac

that he's hurt his ankle. Well, listen, the metro.co.uk does not lie. Yeah, that's true. They wouldn't print an article just for clickbait, all right? This is not how it works. Unbridled AD binger on Emmental in Portland, Switzerland believes he's responsible for the dictator's rapid weight gain. Yeah, you see?

And then, yeah, he's got two fractured ankles under the strain of expanding waistline. Oh my goodness. There we go. Wow. So, all right, I added the bit about his Cuban heels,

but apart from that... This has completely undermined everything that I've ever been told about calcium intake, strengthening your bones. Yeah, that's very true it's an unstoppable force versus an immovable object isn't it yeah it's like that thing with um you know like people people would always say well you can actually die from a potassium overdose if you eat too many

bananas it's the literal definition of too much of a good too much of a good thing everybody know you know no one's debating that an all cheese diet is good for you but that's not on trial but you do have to draw the line at some point you know you do have to you do have to make sure that for every for every baby bell you're eating you're having a little stroll around the block at the very least not the block of cheese the block of your house but yeah so it's it's you know it's done for poor old kim Jong and it's done for our drug dealing chum here. Well, yes. What actually happened with our drug dealing friend was he posted a photo online of him holding the cheese

and the police were able to identify his fingerprints from the photo. That's amazing. How hard was he holding that cheese for the fingerprints To be visible He's really gripping That cheese Well you've got

You've got to test it To see if it's right Don't you This has all of the Hallmarks of they Absolutely didn't do that They like Tracked his phone

But they're not That's not admissible In court And so they've just Drawn fingerprints On his fingers To text her Alice let's be a little

Bit life of pie About this Come on Let's enjoy let's enjoy the the the jolly falsehood rather than the the reality is if they could find out what pictures he was sending they could just find out who was sending them because he was using he was using this thing called encro chat encro which i hadn't heard of which is yeah it's one of those things like you know it's a bit like i mean i don't want to paint with too broad a brushstroke but it's one of those things like, you know, it's a bit like, I mean, I don't want to paint with too broad a brushstroke,

but it's one of those things where like, if you get run off of all the other things or it's a bit too, what you're doing is a bit too shaky to be on all the other, you know, if you're too shaky even for parlor, then you go over to EncroChat, you know, if Telegraph's getting a bit,

oh, you know, they're onto me. It's a dark web for people who aren't tech savvy enough to use the dark web. Exactly. But that's going to be my new thing now is going to be asking people if they're on encroach this is end a meeting this has been really great you know any of you guys i've done so many podcasts over the last year that i've stopped i've started ending real life conversations by saying and where can people find you online

well hopefully they can't. Yeah, you can't find us. We're all on EncroChat. But I mean, yeah, so they took a photo, he took a photo of, and he claims to be a cheese lover. I don't want to be a snob, but it was only M&S own brand Stilton.

I mean, that's, come on. Okay, well, that's. No, what was his next photo? A Dairy Lee Dunker, come on. That's already a few degrees above my cheese. I'm like Tesco's own brand at best. You've actually got a dangerous cheese addiction, aren't you? You were the one guy who was getting cheese off this guy.

You weren't going to. He was going, look, if you want some harder stuff, we've got a consignment of Gruyere coming in, all right? Listen, don't tell anyone about it. Might be a bit of Manchego. If you can handle it, all right? Just a little bit. Donyere coming in, all right? Listen, don't tell anyone about it. It might be a bit of Manchego. If you can handle it, all right, just a little bit. Don't do it all, all right? You know your drug habit has escalated

when you have to find a lump of Stilton just to get a usable vein. Oh, I mean, that's lovely stuff. Thanks, mate. And that brings us to the end of the show. We're flipping through the ad section at the back. Here is an ad for Clear Skin. Skin so clear you can see right through it.

Now, normally I would do you one at a time, but do you want to mutually share your details or your advertisements for yourself? Yeah, you can find us on EncroChat. Just type in cheese lovers into encro chat and it will pop up um now you you can you can find us on on all the usual places it's pappy's tweet on twitter or pappy's comedy on instagram um we have a podcast called pappy's flat share which is three podcasts in one it's our our um our panel show which is called flat

share slam down it's our little sort of conversationally chat thing which is called house meeting and beef brothers cold cuts where we solve people's flat share based problems they're all available from uh from a pappy's flat share if you go to wherever you get your podcast a cast or whatever brilliant as an ad here for well i'm not sure what it's a picture of an androgynous lounging youth so beautifully languid you can't tell whether they're recommending the handbag they're holding, the shoes they're wearing, or euthanasia. And that brings us

to the end of the show. The Bougel Podcast is brought to you by The Bougel Podcast and Alice Fraser. The executive producer of the podcast is Chris Skinner. Our brilliant editor is Ped Hunter. You can find me online at at alliterative on Instagram and Twitter.

That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser for all my stand-up specials, podcasts, and my weekly Tea with Alice salon chats. I'll talk to you again

next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.