The Gargle - Deepfakes | NFTs | Seal sex spying

Episode Date: March 9, 2021

Alice Fraser is joined by Tiff Stevenson and Hari Kondabolu on the third episode of The Gargle - the new weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. Featuring:🎭 Deepfake Tom Cruise🤑 NFT FTW WTF?☢️ Nuclear-testing justice dust 🐎 Sexy chariot news🕶 Seal sex spying news🐰 Lola Rabbit news🤭 Stink newsThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. ACAST.com a gender reveal party gone wrong. In an environment of political discourse laden with so many straw men, it's got to be a fire hazard. We are the orally penetrative glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World. This is The Gargle. Your guests in this week's edition of Apolitical Satire are Tiff Stevenson. Hello. Hi. I'm not in my book nook today.

I'm just in the corner with a lonely guitar and an old poster of Ocean's Eleven. An Italian poster of Ocean's Eleven. What a delight. And also welcome to the show, brunette father of one, Harry Kondabolu. Hello, Alice. I am in a room with a poster of myself behind me because that's how I like to do it. behind me because that's how I like to do it. On the front cover of the magazine this week is Musk, Bezos and Gates posed as the three Graces,

all nude but for being strategically draped in gauzy white cloth with the title untouchable. With a subtitle, Bill Gates has said we need hundreds of Elon Musks to combat climate change, open brackets, presumably for fuel, close brackets. And NFT? Question mark. GTFO.

Top story technology news. And our first story is about Tom Cruise. Or is it? Hari Kondabolu, you are our Tom Cruise correspondent. He does all his own stunts and you do all the stories about him. What's happening in the world of Tom Cruise right now? Well, apparently there was several deep fake videos that were released of Tom Cruise saying things and doing things, like performing a magic trick.

These are things that he did not do, but it looks incredibly realistic as if he actually did this. Now, deep fake technology, for those of you who don't know, is made with witchcraft. It's a technology I don't quite understand, but nerdy scientists are able to take an image of someone's face, apply it to someone else's body, and using algorithms, which I don't quite understand either, are able to get the person using like a library of every word they've ever said to get them to say things and do things that are very much like the actual person. So Tom Cruise sounds like Tom Cruise, even though it's a

Tom Cruise's face on someone else's body and he does a magic trick in one of them where I think he pulls a coin out or something like that which honestly is the best thing he's done in years. I feel like that's the tip off that it's a fake because we know that Tom Cruz like royalty never touches money. Oh that's good.

That's good. I'm going to add that to the Reddit forums. I mean we've already been deep faked by Tom Cruise for many years now because none of us know he's 4'10". The camera tricks have done that for years. And ageless. How old is he? He seems to be eternally about 37. Correct. Correct.

But a very upsetting 37. Right. If I was Tom Cruise, I'd be thrilled. Correct, correct. But a very upsetting 37. Right. Like, if I was Tom Cruise, I'd be thrilled. So you're telling me I can make Mission Impossibles until, like, until I'm 90 years old just by, like, whereas women or women in entertainment know it exists because as everything, it starts in porn first. So I've already had my head superimposed on bodies of someone's done like a bunch of female comedians. And it's just like, they're really badly done.

They're not kind of like deep fake, but they are like photoshopped. Shallow fakes. It's true of some people in the comedy industry but yeah our heads have been so i've sort of known this technology or this ability to to be able to do this has has been around but i have two schools of thought i don't know what your school of thought is alice um firstly it's frustrating that the technology is there to have tom cruise do magic tricks but we can't produce an effective track and trace app like how can this level of technology exist over here yet something that's actually helpful to the vast uh majority of the population in the uk is not possible apparently and like i can't be on stage telling jokes like tom cruise is telling

jokes on a golf course because we can't deep fake an effective leader, apparently. But I have two schools of thought. Part of me thinks it's necessary to march against this and go full Sarah Connor. Like this is the future that we should be worried about. Like, you know how like the Luddites were arrested for like smashing looms? They were? Yeah, yeah. The Luddites were like they tried to destroy looms because

they saw it as this kind of advancing technology like so there's this thing before um we blame the immigrants for taking all of the jobs we blame technology so that might come full circle again like when all of us in the performing arts are like oh like they can have an old version of me do my job so part of me thinks that like it thinks that like it's a really bad and dangerous thing. And then the other part of me thinks, does it, will it cancel out all the other videos? Because as a teenager, I don't know about you two, I think we're all sort of in the same sort of age group. Like all of our teenage mistakes weren't filmed. Correct.

And left on the internet to be viewed forever and shamed about forever. So I just kind of liked the idea, if every video is suspect, then no video counts. Oh, so Michael Richards is off the hook for that rant from like 15 years ago. We all knew that was a fake when we saw his massive tits in that video. Yeah, I was gonna say

from the sort of revenge porn side of of things there was that girl who was filmed at a festival uh doing a sex act and that was like she was like 17 or something like and that's around so i just think like in some ways it may actually help people take the power back by going well we never know if anything's fake now and um any kind of video evidence just has to like disappear when we go back to to not videoing each other relentlessly all the time when you were talking about how like in the uk like british female comics or you know are having deep fakes down to them there was a part of me obviously that was like this is horrible right that's the human part but the comic part

was thinking wow the uk comedy scene is big enough where people know all the comics and will actually put work in to harm them you get that much respect where that will happen well yeah if you don't have one you're gonna be like oh i'm like not famous enough to have a deep fake porn head attached to a body. I'll be slightly hurt. Saucy lingerie. Is this feminism? I don't know anymore.

I want one because it says that, you know, like if I can go to a TV channel and prove I've got my own deep fake. Do you know who I am? Like, can I have my own show now, please? Look, I've seen amongst the greats. Yeah, it's like breaking into fame with a sex tape, but you don't have to do the sex tape. You're like, hey, look at my sex tape.

It's not just Tom Cruise who's getting deepfaked, and nor is it just us. Apparently history is getting deepfaked as well. People are going back into historical photographs and getting them deepfaked, which I think is a bad thing, unless you're talking about Stalin, because young Stalin was a bit of a hottie. I don't choose who you're attracted to,

but I can guarantee you're attracted to Stalin when he was young. Thoughty Stalin. That hoe over there's Stalin. That is, that's quite the image. They did the nostalgic, it's a company called Deep Nostalgia, which does sound like sex with your ex. There was one that Kim Kardashian

had at that awful, like, read the room party on a private island. Kanye, like now I think now they're getting divorced I think he was trolling because he wasn't there but he did pay for like a kind of which I believe was like a deep fake hologram of her dead dad to appear at the party and say OJ's guilty I just want to get it off my conscience but uh anyone with enough money can like kind of use this technology which is also scary i suppose does rest in peace not mean anything anymore i mean implied in the idea of rest in peace certainly must be do not reanimate me from the dead with future technology like they

didn't like include speech to avoid like, deep faking people. That's what they said. Like, you know, you're allowed to put an image in and deep fake historic figures, but you can't put audio in. Too bad there's no way to download the video and then add the audio later. And then add the audio later. So now you can download it, add your audio, and your E Frankenstein can say all sorts of creepy things. So virtual zombie Gandhi can now order a cheeseburger.

They've got a fake Lincoln on there. Flinken. Fake Lincoln. Flinken. But they've sort of colorized the picture and made it. They did one with the, did you see the one with the queen they did a deep fake on channel four at christmas they did an alternative queen speech and she made jokes about prince andrew and stuff but it was like a big you know because i'm sure there'll be people who watch it who just think it's the queen and

that's the problem i think like the fact that we like have a queen didn't there used to be like a clause in like film or tv of like any likeness to living or dead persons is purely coincidental like what I know that you're a bit more on the law side of things Alice like what are the legal you are certainly less convincing when they're puppeting the two-dimensional remnants of your long dead corpse surely like like Hari's saying, are people going to have to put it in the wills? I'm already thinking there's future technology that you've got to leave some on your files in your will now.

So maybe you have to kind of state in your will, I do not consent. Well, you need executor number one to get rid of your material goods and executor number two to delete your browsing history. And executor number three to delete your browsing history. And executor number three to put in the trash bin without opening the file labeled taxes 2009.

I mean, this is just going to end up with people having sex with historical figures. I mean, that's just what this is going to be. Like, what is the point of this? People wanted to have sex with Lincoln and now they get their chance. That just what this is going to be. Like, what is the point of this? People wanted to have sex with Lincoln, and now they get their chance. That's what this is.

Four score and seven years indeed. Well, in other technology news, it's not just people who aren't real that you can buy. It's now stuff that isn't real. NFTs are on the front page. Non-fungible tokens are now being sold online. The most recently, sort of scandalously, a 10-second video clip sold for $6.6 million. And if you don't know what non-fungible tokens are, Tiff, you're our fungible explainer. What is this new economy? New fungible tokens, non-fungible tokens it just

sounds like an unpleasant foot condition that was my first thought i was like what is this so i asked online and no one seemed to be able to have any more information for me it's blockchain technology which is apparently something to do with prime numbers being mined i have no idea i'm just imagining a super mario brother digging down and numbers popping up there's an online artist called people who sold some art in the in the form of a non-fungible token which is an item the items can't be exchanged or funged as we call it in the biz um it's a it's a it's a it's a type of crypto asset so you can download this file but you're the only one who ever gets to have that file and see that file and it can't be replicated apparently so they've got these pieces of art what's quite upsetting in the video that i watched was that a guy a people had done this piece of art with uh donald trump with slogans

all over him a naked donald trump in a kind of um in a park scenario with all these slogans all over him and then he sold it to a collector for something like 67 000 and that collector then just sold it for like six million pounds so um this is the kind of technology that's again right for people to come in and kind of scalp, like, you know, at low end and then sell on. The idea that you can do it with, like, basketball and stuff, so you can own, like, a Kobe dunk or something, and you go, you're the only person that's ever allowed to see this.

Well, yeah. Because you have the original file. But it's the same as, you know, it's the same as money. You know how we say that money is when this stuff is stuff and then we agree that it's worth something. In the same way, you know, it's same as money. You know, how we say that money is when this stuff is stuff and then we agree that it's worth something. In the same way, you know, if we say this seashell is worth something and then we say, you know, your punchlines are worth something. So basically anything is for sale in the art realm if you can blockchain it.

So what are you going to sell first, Harry? Oh, my God. I mean, it can be anything, right? It can be any recorded or moment that can be put in the digital sphere. So any private or personal or deeply, deeply personal moment that you can just sell to a stranger for money. I mean, there's no video of me urinating anywhere on anyone's phones, on any computer. It feels like that would be something of value. But the thing is...

That you know of. That I know of. Honestly, that's not too far. I've had several pic... Back in the old days when we traveled on trains and whatnot, subways, I've had several pictures of me taken asleep on the subway train in New York by random people, like by fans who thought that was acceptable to just take a picture of me asleep.

Because I'm always asleep on the train, but it's weird. It's a weird thing to do. Multiple times. And then to post it on the internet and to tag me. It's a little bizarre. Well, now they can make six million

for these photos of you on the train. Apparently. They don't even have to tag you. They can just sell that piece of art. But it's kind of the debate around art, isn't it? Like buying works of art. Can one own art? Yes.

You can own art, yes. And it's not just art that they're talking about. It's sort of records of things. It's like crafting yourself a beautiful name tag that says, I own this and then trying to pin it to an elephant. Like it's not how it works. Well, I think it's fine because none of the things that are being saved have any value whatsoever they're we're pretending they have value none

of us want to see any of the i'm not going to show you my thing none of us want to see your thing no one is interested in seeing this lebron james dunk or anything else that you have this the saddest thing the set this is is a quote from the article I read about it. If you spend, this is from OpenSea, which is the market, the people that have the market for non-fungible tokens. This is from OpenSea's co-founder, Alex Atala. If you spend 10 hours a day on the computer or eight hours a day in the digital realm, then art in the digital realm makes tons of sense because it's the world. That's the saddest shit I have ever heard in my life. It's also the beginning of like a middle school essay where you're bending the definition of terms extremely hard in order to fit your thesis.

Well, it's like nerds have put in a lot of, like, well, it's the world. I don't go outside, so this is valid. My world on my computer is valid, and this piece of art is valid, and I have millions of dollars, so this is valid. And it's like, no, man. I have sex in a token. I have sex in token form. It's like, no, man. I have sex in a token.

I have sex in token form. It's non-fungible. I can't catch anything because it's non-fungible. Your ad section now because you can't buy happiness but you can buy ads and they will promise you happiness.

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and replaced with 2021 and a question mark. Ha, ha, ha. a cast powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has the mike t Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a

performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetise their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com Now it's time for story number two of the gargle this week. Things coming back news.

And our first story is Return of the nuclear testing dust, the gritty reboot. Dust from the Sahara Desert blown north by strong winds towards France is apparently carrying unusually high, though non-harmful doses of radiation. Ironically, these doses of radiation come from nuclear tests that were carried out by the French in the Algerian desert at the beginning of the 1960s, which is, I feel, what we call a nuclear own goal.

So we're talking about nuclear dust to Algerian drift. Is that the correct title of the sequel? So it's dust from the... It's something coming back from the 60s to cause us pain, not the rolling stones touring yet again like by the sounds of it it's got good stuff in it like potassium which you know i always need when i've got a hangover so i could just go outside and gulp some of that down i mean is it is it gonna hurt people is it gonna be you know the rate is is

there radiation in it what's the the radiation is present but apparently it's a non-harmful dose but then they would say that wouldn't they yes of course can we just give this a proper post-colonial laugh can we just it's like justice this is is justice dust. Justice dust. Justice dust. I mean, I love this. I love this for so many reasons. Also, I like the idea that France calls this by testing out nuclear weapons, right?

Why does France need nuclear weapons? Who is going after France? Like cheese, as much as I like cheese, it doesn't start a car. What value does this have? I think there's justice in this because who would be most protected in France from this justice

dust? It would be Muslim women in hijabs and in the cops who have been discriminated by the French government. Justice dust strikes again. I feel a movie coming on. Justice Dust. Justice Dust is amazing. It's going to cause mud rain

apparently. That sweet mud rain which we never hear about in love songs. It's not just Justice Dust returning to its homeland of France apparently. Other things are coming back. In Pompeii, some archaeologists have unearthed a f***ing chariot. It's not the technical term. It is what they're calling the Lamborghini of chariots.

It was used to chauffeur elites around during ancient festivals. And apparently this ride is pimpin'. It does not need to be pimped. It is pre-pimped. Apparently it's incredibly sexy. It's adorned with medallions picturing satyrs and nymphs in quote-unquote erotic scenes. There's a lot of pain on this chariot is what I'm saying. I cannot wait for Joe Rogan to buy this.

They haven't found the mummified corpse of the man who owned the chariot, but I think we can all assume he has a small penis. There's always been a first-class section on the train, hasn't there? Because they said it's to take about the elite. There's always been a first-class section on the train. This is the no-talking, f***ing only carriage. Yeah, but you don't want to be the teen child of the person who owns this chariot getting taken to school in this because the other chariots broken down you're

like oh please dad not the chariot again did they find an ancient condom made of donkey intestines by any chance no because the person who owned the chariot kept pretending he was allergic to it. Ooh, donkey. What's it just doesn't feel the same in Latin. I was just going to say, it sounds like the original dogging wagon. Like people are banging inside it, I imagine, and outside people are fluffing themselves to the sexy carvings, waiting, waiting for their turn.

Carpe falem, that's all i have to say seize the cock that is the correct tense you can look it up now it's time for our reviews section tiff have you got anything to review this week yes um a review of my cats i was denied a pet in my childhood and a lack of stability in my 20s i was in my 30s when my partner and I decided to take on the responsibility of looking after an animal due to the lack of garden we decided that cats was the ideal you know the ideal companion and semi sort of autonomous housemate and little did we know that our expectations of this little cuddly fluffball and loving child substitute would be dashed and replaced with a snarling men's rights

activist who attacks feet and ankles throughout the day and night they say cats are aloof and look after themselves uh ours shouts if we leave the house follows us down the street screaming for us to come home and then shepherds us back like literally like a collie dog a border collie would bring sheep in he like brings us back in he'll only eat if someone watches and praises him constantly what you do is you put food in the bowl he'll go to the bowl eat the food then shout at you like you haven't fed him so he basically gaslights us and like many cats he brings home gifts of wildlife um he doesn't kill them unfortunately he just brings live offerings releases them into the dead of night to fly around the room or scurry behind the wardrobe and then he leaves seeming to say

like he'll leave he'll drop it in the bedroom and then he goes well i'm not going to sleep in here i'm not sleeping with a rodent you peasants so he just leaves it for us um so you stroke him he scratches you he'll bite you to get you to stop when he's not trying draw blood, he's outright attempting to trip you down the stairs and murder you. If you've ever had a cat, this is important to go into the review of cats. They're constantly trying to kill you. If you have steps, they will go just in front of you just to try and trip you every time you go down them. The one thing he is really good at, though, one bonus of getting a cat, which I didn't realise, is that you also have an alarm clock because nothing will get you out of bed quicker than the sound of a cat retching in a

room that is the best alarm clock you're out of bed and you're instantly hoping you know your senses just snap in because you're like i hope it's on a hard floor it's never on a hard floor like you're like carpet if you're lucky if you're not lucky on a bed and then you just have to find the effluent and get there they come out like fully formed sausages anyway or it's over your clothes i would still give my cat four stars he's very much like a cat but i'm knocking a star off for stuff like the vomit and um his general attitude his shitty attitude but then also like in spite of all of that i love him so so four stars four out of five stars is my amazon review of my cat there you go uh read like a three

but it's a four star harry kondabolu what have you brought us to review today i found a series on the internet that i'm surprised more people aren't talking about right now. It's a series called The Wire. I can't believe I haven't seen it. What an unbelievable series. I suggest you all watch it. It's about Baltimore, Maryland, and all the activities of the police, drug dealers, and dock workers there. It happens over five seasons,

and there's an actor by the name of Idris Elba, who is British, but doesn't sound it at all. He's fantastic. And also there's another guy whose name I forget who's British. And his character is a police officer who's British, but pretends he isn't. And somehow his ineffective accent fools everyone into thinking he's from Baltimore. It's a fantastic show. If you haven't seen this Wire, I strongly suggest you find it and watch it. See, the best thing about that for me, Hari, is that your review sort of heavily implies in a satirical vein

that everyone has seen the Wire and I haven't. I'm like, it sounds great. Well, now that's all the time we have for our reviews section. Now, of course, there's time for our quiz this week. Which cancel culture scandal of the week are you? Are you Mr. Potato Head? Are you Dr. Seuss getting cancelled? Are you banning some other thing that people don't care about

until they find out what other people care about? Do our quiz and find out. Now it's time for story three, animal behaviour, starting with our story about a seal in a road in Canada. And the introductory music for this story is Why don't we just do it in the road? Tim Stevenson, you're our sexy seal correspondent what's happened here i will kiss from a rose apparently so there was a seal arrested

in canada because the seal was like just going up the road just getting about his day and someone was like should that seal be on the road i mean it was a snow-covered road and uh the police came along and they made lots of jokes about the seal being arrested but i believe that and now i don't know if it was a male or female seal but apparently seals have been coming inland to give birth due to lack of ice and i too refuse to have a baby unless i have a suitable amount of bling so i appreciate appreciate the SEALs position on this. But there is genuinely, this is like a ecological problem that there's a lack of ice shelves.

So I'm thinking that there's the potential for me to become, as a career move, as we're constantly being told we need to retrain in this pandemic. So I'm thinking I might become a SEAL doula. I feel like there's a gap in the market for seal doula. I can coach through the birth, play some relaxing whale sounds.

Actually, no, they're a predator for seals. I need some time to think this through. Well, first things first, breaking the water is called breaking the seal. And once you've done it, you cannot stop. Yeah, I think we'd have a water birth, sardines for snacking. But I think being a pregnant seal would be great because it's 11 months.

So you get more maternity leave, I imagine. And after you've had the pups, there's no pressure to lose weight because you're expected to be majority blubber as a seal. That's like part of your job as a seal. You've got to keep as much on as you can to stay warm in the ice water. And also seal milk. I'm going to say this on here. You've got to keep this on the download. and also seal milk i'm gonna say this on here you gotta keep this on the download seal milk is up to 50 fat so apparently seals can really tack on mass

don't tell that to any of your friends down the gym i'm gonna get their hands on that sweet seal milk and that will be sold on the black market there will be bitcoin trading of seal milk for people getting hench i didn't trust the mainstream media's coverage of the seal story so i went a little deeper on the internet and found a site where they do animal translations and i had what the seal was saying translated. What he said once he was captured was, Unhand me. I have to find the witch who turned me into a seal. Do you realize how hard it was to get here? Getting all the way to the beach, to a side street, and then getting on a bus. to the beach, to a side street,

and then getting on a bus. So maybe we should hear the SEAL side of the story. The lady who caught him is a lady named Lillian Reynolds, and she said he was slipping and sliding off the blanket. It was just like a TV show. And that's after they captured him. They put him in a a blanket it makes you think about the quality of canadian television if this is something i mean oh it's like the seal sliders oh my god this is just like seal sliders speaking of slippery seals scientists of this week answered the eternal question of can we not just let seals f*** in peace?

And the answer is no. A secret seal f***ing hideout has been discovered. Hari Kondabolu, you're our secret seal f***ing correspondent. Uncover this mystery for us. I mean, the scientists who found this secret cave where these seals have sex, They found this secret cave where these seals have sex. Apparently, there's just very few breeding grounds where these seals can recreate themselves. Is what I'm trying to say.

So they find this place, and they can't just let them have sex in peace. It's very perverse. So all of a sudden, they set up a monitoring system. This is the quote from the scientist. The team has now established long-term monitoring of the breeding caves aiming to determine the size of the seal population. Sure you are. That's what this is about. You f***ing seal perverts.

You literally say, we just wanted to watch. That's what this is. It's f***ing gross. If the current online discourse about the de-bubulation of Lola Rabbit has taught me nothing, it is that the things that people will imagine having sex with are unlimited. I don't know if you followed this story, but Space Jam 2 has launched with an unsexy Lola Rabbit, and people are furious that the cartoon rabbit about whom they sexually fantasized as children is no longer as sexy because she is wearing compression tights

and seems to have smaller boobs. Well, it's very frustrating because it's the same Lola Rabbit. Like, she just wore something different. And her beauty is from the inside and also her tantalizing eyes. She has the same eyes. What are you focused on? You fall in love with the eyes. It's all about the big lashes.

That's how we know the difference between Bugs Bunny and when he's dressed up. As a fellow big boobed, I support her decision to have a breast reduction because she's probably by this point got serious backache from those things. Speaking of Newtonian physics, a new state of active matter has been discovered, which is based on animal behavior. Animals moving in groups, fish in schools, insects in swarms, and birds in murmurations have now been revealed by research to be in a state of active matter called a swirlonic state, which is not, much though it sounds an infomercial for some kind of toilet cleaner, but is in fact kind of active matter moving under its own self-directed force and is being considered as now part of physics rather than just that annoying mass of cockroaches trying to crawl on my leg. In the article I read, they said that it only applies to living things that move in the world, right, not inanimate objects, which I immediately, I'm going to question because I've

had ice cream that seems to be in a swirly state. Well, I think that this is one of those things that everyone sort of, it's one of those scientific discoveries that everyone's sort of like, we knew that that happened. I didn't know that we had to find a scientific term for it or a word for it or mathematics for it. But I think everyone's bought into this new swirl on it matter mainly because of the name of the scientist mathematician at the University of Leicester who's called Nikolai brilliant oh my god sounds like the fake name of a 12 year old pretending to be a scientist it's a normative determinism right there wow I've come up with some brilliant stuff I like getting to grips with physics. And they were saying that this matter doesn't respond to Newton's law, which states that as force is applied to an object increases,

its acceleration increases. And that as the object's mass increases, its acceleration decreases. And you can apply this, as we've said, to passive non-living matter, ranging from atoms to planets. But much of the matter in the world is active and moves under its own self-directed force so basically what they're saying is uh newton is a bitch and i've known this for a long time like i think newton's a basic bitch listen he only discovered gravity after an apple dropped on his head that is so basic because

women we understand gravity because our bodies betray us with gravity from like this morning i got out of bed and kicked my tits around the room so women we just inherently understand the laws of physics i think better that i get them all i know heisenberg's uncertainty principle or do you so i'm keen yeah i do heisenberg's uncertainty principle i think anyone can understand I'll share this with you. You can understand it if you're over the age of 35, anyone over 35. Heisenberg's uncertainty principle states that the act of observing an event changes the very outcome of the event you're observing. So I believe you can understand this if you're over 35 and you've ever caught

yourself in the mirror during sex. The act of observing the event changes the outcome and by change i mean ruin forever as with understanding all scientific principles it needs to make sense in my life is the swallonic state what happens when i'm drunkenly dancing and could it genuinely have something to do with balance or as with all particle physics the main question is when can we utilize swirling for time travel that's all any of us want to know like whenever we find something new in the realm of physics can it be used for time travel that's all we give a shit about we don't care swirl ons unless you're like quantum foam well that's all the time we have for our animal behavior news section because now it's

time for stink news our final section of the Gargle magazine begins with our top four tips for best stinks, including wet dirt, baby head, clean cotton and success. But there's stink news coming out of the UK right now. Tiff, you're our WIF correspondent in the UK. What's happening in the world of stink right there? Stink bugs are in the UK. And I'd never seen a stink bug until i was in la i was on a sun lounger and i panicked that it was a bed bug but it turns out it was

just david hasselhoff um the the stink bugs are an invasive species uh much like the cast of towie on every single panel show in the uk um they've come over they've come over here they're eating our fruits they're taking the job of good british stinkers basically that it's a bug that kind of like it leaves marks in fruit and stuff and makes it look less appealing i think you know i don't know how harmful they are in the wider sense they let off a smell so there's people worried about grapes and wine they let off a smell as a defense mechanism which is something i can really relate to like if i'm traveling alone at night i've started eating beans about three hours before i leave uh to ward off any predators the smell of fear shall protect

me um yeah so these are the these are the stink creepy-coolies. Is farting the smell of fear? Sometimes can be, yeah. For me, it's the smell of rage. Harry, what's your attitude on stink bugs? They're referred to as brown marmorated stink bugs. And my question is, why does color need to be brought into this? What does that have to do with their stinkiness? It seems irrelevant.

Have you ever thought that maybe the white stink bugs are causing the stink and blaming the brown ones? Have we thought about that? Could just be a cultural difference, you know? Perhaps. Difference in diet and approach. I mean, they apparently probably hitched a ride into Britain on packaging crates. Nigel Farage then responded, I told you this is why we needed Brexit.

Brown ones sneaking here with their stink. And then he was told that it was a story about bugs. And he said, yeah, I know. That's what he said. And he said, yeah, I know. That's what he said. One of the big fears is apparently that these stink bugs are going to destroy the British wine industry. Oh, no.

How will we be able to have the wines of a country I didn't know made wine until I read this article? Not fine British wine. Famous author Sir Kazuo Ishiguro has said that self-censorship among young authors is creating an atmosphere of fear, the worst stench of all. He won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 2017, and he's warned that this climate of fear is preventing some people from writing what they want. Hari Kondabolu, as somebody who stokes this climate of fear, what's your approach?

I just kind of, whenever the ice caps are melting, it jumps from 80 degrees Fahrenheit to 20 degrees Fahrenheit any given day in New York now. I'm not too worried about not being able to say what I want. I'm worried about breathing water. Not that concern. Night. As a 66-year-old knight, he's less worried about himself than he fears for the youth

that less established authors are going to be self-censoring by avoiding writing from certain viewpoints or including characters. I mean, why doesn't he fight some dragons or do real knight shit as opposed to complaining about words? Where's the real night anymore?

Or even just go to sleep for a thousand years. That's a classic night move. Also moving in L's. Only long L's. How many swords have you pulled from stones? Capital L shapes. It's hard to get around like that. He comes at things from oblique angles.

And that brings us to the end of the show. Tiff Stevenson, Harry Kondabolu, thank you for being our gargle guests for this week. Harry, have you got anything to plug? Yes, I do. I have a podcast that comes out every Thursday called Politically Reactive. I do it with my friend W. Kamau Bell.

And it's very funny. It's very thoughtful. We had Nikki Giovanni on the podcast if you all like poetry I do like poetry we also were having Alana Glazer and Miro from Jesus and Miro on soon but also we had Nikki Giovanni

if you like poetry I do like poetry and Tiff Stevenson thank you for coming on the show what have you got to plug I'm doing an online work in progress on the 28th of March. I'm doing it on the 28th because on the 29th, apparently we shall mix with no more than five other people outside. So I wanted to get it in before that huge freedom comes into play.

I did one for an American audience a little while back. So it's about 80% new material. Yeah, so come watch my work in progress. It's via NextUp, so you can find tickets at Eventbrite. Tiff Stevenson, Hari Kondabolu, go check them out online. What else are you going to do in these troubled times? I will be in Melbourne at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival from the 5th of April to the 18th of April at the Greek Centre doing my

show Kronos. There's also a podcast that's happening monthly called The Last Post that drops into my inbox now only once a month. It used to come in every day but that is available in your feed if you want to find it. And may I also recommend The Bugle. Pretty good podcast.

And that's all from us today at The gargle bye