The Gargle - Deer Hunt | Eel Drugs | Cumming

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

Alice is with James Colley and Alison Spittle to discuss a list of highly important news stories, with zero politics...🦌 Urban deer hunting🦹‍♀️ Possum theft💊 Eels high on drugs 💦 Adult-only hotel in Cumming, Georgia🦍 Gorillas at Bronx zoo, getting downThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by, Ross Ramsey Golding, Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. It was a dark and stormy night and the captain said to his men, men, I'll tell you a story. And that story got made fun of on The Gargle. The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. Welcome to the show, all of the news, none of the politics. Your guest editors for this week are James Colley.

Hello. And Alison Spittel. Hey, hey, hey, hey. We will plunge into the news of the week, but let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine first. The front cover is Tom Hardy making out with Venom. If that's not a controversy that you've been exposed to, I highly suggest looking it up on Twitter.

The satirical cartoon this week is Greta Thunberg saying blah, blah, blah, which you can read either as supportive of or a condemnation of, Greta Thunberg, depending on where you sit on the political spectrum. And other headlines are, how weird is it that women in razor commercials don't have hair on their legs? They're just rubbing their already hairless legs with a razor. I don't know. I want to see the impact.

I want to see a swathe cut like a rainforest getting logged. Our first section this week is our animal section. A rare white stag was killed by police in Merseyside after running through the Merseyside streets. And I have listened to this particular folk ballad a number of times. And I just feel sorry for the person who had to euthanise the stag's girlfriend who's waiting at home probably weaving something. Or the stag was her or he comes home and she's embracing

a swooning naked young man with a wound in his flank and then he kills her in revenge and jealousy and then the mother comes in and he finds out the naked young man was the stag and also her brother and then there's like 10 verses on what he saw on the way home all of which reminded him of her like eyes and hair anyway yeah alison spittle have you heard this yeah i've been from m Ireland. I've heard that folk song, but also with British soldiers being involved somehow. But in this story, it's an incredible story because the police generally in the UK, I've never, like, they're not great when it comes to animals at all.

My dad's from Reading and last month or the month before there was a cow that was loose in reading and for some reason the police thought the best way of dealing with this cow was to intentionally run it down i swear like like they were in grand theft auto like you wouldn't even do that in grand theft auto if you did that grand theft auto you'd feel bad about yourself you're like should i run down this sentient being yes the police did thames valley police like my my dad is like uh very pro police and very right wing but even he at that stage was like this is a bit much so this uh the liverpool police doing this to a white stag is a disgrace because the only

type of white stag i would like to see is the white stag if i said i would feel safer with a white stag on the street than a white stag party like if they if i mean thank goodness for the second half of that sentence can i say james do you have strong feelings about this poor white stag i absolutely do i have a few strong feelings on it like firstly a white stag was on the loose on bertel in merseyside definitely adds to my belief that england is a made-up place from a children's book but uh also i i agree with you your assessment the police here because the police quoted as saying they were left with no option. What do you mean you were left with no...

Did the stag pull a gun on you? Like, what? What do you mean, here's an option? Don't shoot it. That's a perfectly reasonable option to play out here. Also, in the reporting of this story, an NHS worker says she spotted the stagag and then, as the article puts it, quote, fleeing a police officer. And once again, I'm kind of sick of this propaganda from the press, inoculating the police and insinuating wrongdoing by the stag.

Was the stag fleeing a police officer or was the stag being a deer? Fleeing a police officer? Or what's the stag? Being a deer. In Birmingham animal news, photographer and social media star Matt Matthews has had his possum taken away by the state. James Colley, you're an opossum fan. What have you got to say about this story? Yes, firstly, sorry, what is going on?

Do authorities not have enough to do right now with everyone stuck inside their homes? Have we decided animals are the biggest threat left? But this was disturbing to read at the start, and it was only made more disturbing by this line. Matthew said wildlife officers who took Donovan, which is the name of the opossum, said the state biologist would call and update him on the opossum and that Donovan will be put in an educational facility.

What is going on here? This is Kafkaesque, except in this case you wake up as a bug and then you're on trial because you don't have a permit to have a bug in your house. There's so much that is surreal about this story. First of all, that he is not just a photographer, but he's a boudoir photographer. He's a sexy photographer and a multiple-time world-qualifying barrel racer, but he also seems to collect animals, including horses, dogs, cats, and this opossum.

I just don't want to... I mean, if I'm having a boudoir shoot done i'm not sure that i want a possum perving in the window but what if the possum is in lingerie too like surely would that be better can i say though one thing i really like that we have all agreed on in this story is that this is a possum they call it an opossum and i do not know what that means and i refuse to look it up because i presume it's the it's the disappointment that you feel when you think you're about to find a cooler animal and you're like oh it's a possum or perhaps it's what dame edna average says on the brink of

orgasm those are my only guesses at what an opossum might be in other animal news perhaps the previous two animal stories were just a dream in the mind of a drugged-up eel because scientists have discovered damaging levels of illicit drugs in a river that runs through the Glastonbury Festival site. Alison Spittel, I've heard you use the phrase, as high as an eel before. Can you unpack this story for us a little? Yeah, this is beautiful, Sade.

The environmental agency did some testing on a river that runs through glastonbury uh a week after the festival had happened and they had found uh very very high amounts of mgma which and now we have spoken before i think about london eels being full of cocaine and the effect that that would have on the eels such as probably getting into forex trading and other types of stuff but with uh with mdma eels that sounds fantastic right up my street could you imagine getting a hug off an mdma filled eel it would feel disgusting at first but then life-affirming i feel i'm i'm entirely behind this as well because i reckon an eel's life is pretty miserable like i think let them let them get into the md this is the same logic behind why i should be allowed to have

performance enhancing drugs i'm not about to play competitive sport just let me carry more shopping bags also it's a sort of a two-in-one for a cockney an eel pie situation yeah yeah it would make me it would make me feel a lot better about eating that have you had eel liquor and stuff i have not i have not had any of those things we need tiff stevenson on this podcast i would for reference i'd have it look i would eat it again if it had mdma in it that's all i said like i would deal there's a lot of there's a lot of stuff that people deal with when consuming drugs and i think maybe the next step should be eating eel pies. Like, could you imagine someone having an eel pie off the back of a toilet?

I could if it had MDMA in it. I feel all eel pies are spiritually on the back of a toilet. If you are able to put the MDMA in the pie, that really bookends my Friday night nicely and gets it all out of the way. Well, that's all the time we have for our animal section because now it's time for your ads. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy.

Are you trying to sabotage the meringue of your nemesis? As you know, you can beat your egg whites as much as you want, but if someone's introduced half a glass of water while your back was turned, you're in for bake-offoff shame are you worried that masks are for pussies you're wrong masks for pussies are known as underwear my mum my mum was a very big anti-masker back in the day and that really did me wrong at sleepovers but but if you're a mask seeking mask drop by matt's masculine mask shop for the manliest means of infection control keep your droplets to yourself with studded camo man mask a mask that looks like a pair of testicles or a mask that looks like it's hiding your deep vulnerabilities matt's

masculine mask shop drop by today i've put so much energy into denying the sunk cost fallacy i've printed out this banner saying the sunk cost fallacy is a lie. What am I supposed to do with this banner now? Bringing you cognitive dissonance, the necessary precondition to reject new science in favour of not science and put anecdote on the same pedestal you just used to beat a science paper to death. That's all the time we have for your ad section now

because now it's time for your sex section. Sex section now. An adults-only hotel has caused a controversy. James Colley, you're an adult only. Can you unpack this story for us? Yes, this is a wonderful bit of marketing, a plan to build an adults-only hotel in the town of Cumming, to each their own eyes say,

I tend to check out early on these things, so I don't think I would be visiting. But the problem with it is that it's opposite a church, which is causing a lot of offense, because as if Jesus would hang out with a sex worker. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy.

Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has...Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance enhancing broom.

It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. What bothers me with this is where is the sense of healthy competition? Where is your free market enterprise? If there's one thing I know about a church church they love a billboard out the front so why not something like next time you say oh god i'm

coming mean it or got wood and want to be nailed have we got the religion for you alison spittle you're still shaking off the remnants of your religious upbringing do you have an opinion on whether this should be near a church yeah look i don't see what the problem is with this hotel in regard the church are the church as what i love about the church is the church should be worried about other stuff but they are actually worrying about consenting adults from each other but that's genuinely the number one concern of of the church and they shouldn't be worried because my experiences of going to hotels with partners is you know you talk a good game like you are gonna have the ride but you end up just

watching the different tv channels they have on on availability or looking at the individually wrapped biscuits and then you say i know i wanted to but now i'm too tired and that you know which is this which the church should be happy about. Is it really a problem for a church if from your mentality you're like, oh, no, there's going to be a whole bunch of sinners moving in? Surely that's good. Surely if you run a Weight Watchers and a McDonald's moves across the road, you're like, goddamn, here we go.

Like, this is supposed to be your core business. Oh, if they don't call this hotel Come to Jesus, then they're missing a trick. That would be amazing. And then the sequel, Come to Jesus. Come to Jesus. To Come to Jesus. This time it's biblical.

Now, in other sex news, gorillas have shocked onlookers at the Bronx Zoo after months of lockdown, I assume, with an oral sex show or what is being referred to by the New York Post as an oral sex show. Apparently there's a clip of this circulating online, but animal experts report that it is not something to be worried about. James Colley, you're known as the silverback gorilla of the Australianralian comedy writing scene can you unpack this story for us why thank you i love a king dong film uh this

was this is an incredible story first the first thing that caught my attention about this was when the new york post broke this story at the bronx zoo their first line was turns out humans aren't the only ones who get down and dirty for sexual pleasure. And I mean, sorry, did you think they were? What's the scenario here? Did you think sex was invented by humans? Like we made fire and we had a bearskin rug, so why not? For me, the headline of this story should be,

something interesting happened at the zoo. Because usually they are very boring like a third of the animals are good and the rest are padding they're just like six different kinds of goats with strange horns they're all essentially the same uninteresting goat though i do have to question one witness's description which is i was in the gorilla exhibit with my four-year-old daughter and niece my wife had to stay outside the exhibit with my sleeping son so i wanted to capture a lot of video then this magic magic i don't think it's fair to call this a mind freak

well that's all the time we have for our animal sex section because now it's time for your reviews as you know every week our correspondents bring in something to review out of five stars james collie what have you well in order of appearing with alison again i thought i'd try putting a battery in my mouth so uh i gave it a shot uh first things first it finally lit up the light bulb in my head and i have my first idea uh which was that joke and i don't think i'll try it again uh otherwise fairly flavorless could have used perhaps a salt and battery uh but while the package might say triple a the portion size b minus at best so eating batteries three stars 30 stars all Spittel, what have you brought in for us to review?

So I've reviewed a water pick. It's a type of way of flossing your teeth using a machine that pushes water between your gums and teeth and is supposed to push out dirt. Sounds horrifying. It does sound like that sort of labour-saving device that might not necessarily be the best use of your time, like the leaf blower of oral hygiene.

And that brings us to our next section, our travel section. Oh, don't we all miss travel? This is a story about a family who booked a Cornwall hotel only to have that booking swapped on them. James Collier, you're in Sydneydney with me in lockdown i'll let you explore this story as a kind of a vicarious getting outside the house oh my god so uh they wanted to end up in the cornwell hotel and they ended up in oxbridge uh which goes to prove my thesis that the uk is a made up place uh okay so i'm gonna unpack this the family booked into the cornwell hotel cornwall marks the place where the romans kept out anglo hordes by piling huge amounts of corn across the country when the anglos tried to burn it down it created popcorn which just smelled delicious and distracted

them oxbridge is of course the new usb system that all the latest macbooks have to real money grab i don't support it so um this family had some problems and uh you know what honestly alice i'm sure you can understand this as someone who hasn't been able to legally move more than five kilometers from my house in four months i couldn't give the slightest shit about these people oh bubby i'm sorry could you not attend the north warmsley spitting festival was the annual hamston onShire post-COVID saliva slip and slide not to your liking? Holidays do not exist anymore. Grow up.

Well, the reason he was switched, apparently, according to Booking.com, which managed the booking, was that the hotel had overbooked and the Booking.com offered to refund his costs, which is to say the travel to the venue, because he hadn't paid for the hotel already. But it said it would not provide compensation for upset children, which I think is a great move from booking.com because as we all know, children on holidays are always upset.

This is a real shame because, you know, like we said, we're about to have our first kids and I was just hoping it was a money grab thing that anytime they cried, I got some royalties somehow because I helped produce that cry. Well, that's all the time we have for our travel section because now it is time for our movies section. The James Bond movie has just launched in the UK to, I would say, disproportionate applause. I don't know how James Bond, an extremely successful Hollywood movie franchise, has become synonymous with British self-pride, but there is nonetheless a scandal as people are suggesting replacements

for Daniel Craig as James Bond, including women or people of colour. James Collier, are you a Bond fan? I'm male and in the age group, but not hugely. I can't get through a whole Bond film. I can certainly understand what's happening, though. So any point I get in on a Bond film when it's on TV, I'm like, yeah, sure, that's 15 minutes. I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. I was surprised.

But, like, firstly, sorry, Barbara Broccoli. Sorry, Barbara Broccoli, but I'll have you know I eat broccoli for dinner. And I know the phrase is breakfast, but that seems gross to me. It's an evening vegetable. Anyway, with all respect to Carol Cabbage, simply stop. Not before the sun's over the yard, Aham. Just simply stop making Bond films. We've covered it.

We've covered the topic. If you find yourself with a Bond hankering, watch an ad for an Aston Martin on repeat for two hours, then say something misogynistic. It's like the nicotine patch of a Bond hankering, watch an ad for an Aston Martin on repeat for two hours, then say something misogynistic. It's like the nicotine patch of a Bond film. But what this does do, opens the door for Octopussy the movie, not to mention the other seven movies that lead up to Octopussy, and I think that will be great.

Your pop-out section now. Facebook has announced that it will pause its plan to make an Instagram for kids because an Instagram for kids is a terrible f***ing idea. I mean, what does an Instagram for kids look like? Is it just thirst traps or pictures of red cordial? Brand sponsorships are all for red cordial. I don't know instagram is is so deeply psychologically damaging for adults and children alike rates of self-harm and suicide are so strongly associated with

apps like instagram and i think it has taken uh it has taken a hit from lawmakers and and users and people for its its plans and it's it's backed off slightly j Colley, you're about to have a kid. How do you feel about it? How do you feel in general? How do you feel in general? So this is, in general, is a darker question. This is probably bad on the fact that I am about to have a kid. But looking at this story, I presume, and sorry if I've been too conspiratorial i don't think this was ever

intended to exist i think this was all a feint to entrap a pedophile that they said hey did you hear they're making an instagram for kids oh looks like your heart rate just spiked you're going away for a long time i love this future uh crime thing you're doing here i will i will draw this to a close by saying i'm your host alice frazer find me online at at alliterative on twitter and instagram that's a-l-i-t-e-r-a-t-i-v-e or on patreon.com slash alice frazer for one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials podcasts blogs and my, and my weekly Tea with Alice salons. You've been listening to The Gargle.

Your editor is Pedhunter and Ros Golding, and your executive producer is Chris Skinner. This is a Bugle Podcast and Alice Fraser production. I'll talk to you next week.