The Gargle - Delivery standoff | Dad jokes | Nickel bags

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

Eleanor Morton and Tom Neenan join host Alice Fraser for episode 105 of The Gargle - the glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.All of the news, none of the politics. ���� Parcel delivery standoff😂 Dad jokes🪨 $1.3m nickel bags📱 Quit-Tok👜 Reviews Produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. The distant future, one of the few remaining humans. You live as scavengers, a forgotten species from a forgotten civilization. You were overthrown by your own robot slaves, who were then overthrown by their robot slaves, who were then overthrown by a popular app that became sentient. If you're wondering which app, it's the one you thought of when I said a popular app, and then you thought, not that app.

That app is what made you think the second thing. In two hours, the sun will be extinguished to reduce screen glare. In one hour, the time machine will be completed. You will only have one trip, one chance to change everything. But some of the records are missing. You know exactly what you need to change, but you don't know whether it could have prevented your future or whether it caused your future.

Do you protect or do you destroy the gargle? The Sonic Glossy Magazine, the Bugles Audio Newspaper of the Visual World. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and this is The Gargle. All of the news, none of the politics. Your guest hosts for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Neenan and Eleanor Morton. Hello.

Hello. We sound like children's TV presenters. of the magazine are Tom Neenan and Eleanor Morton. Hello. Hello. We sound like children's TV presenters. Hi, everyone. I never know what I'm expecting when I introduce people as a pair because then I feel like there's an inherent social awkwardness that I have just created out of nothing, which is that you are two separate people in two separate houses. I think we nailed it.

And then I sort of cast you as an ensemble. I should introduce you one at a time, but then I'd have to figure out precedence orders, and I'm not good at that kind of aristocratic shit. Well, it'd be me first, wouldn't it? Fair enough. And then you might have to say something like, last but not least,

which is my least favourite phrase of all time, because it means nothing. I do know. But why would you... It's last, but why would you think it meant least? It's just... Exactly. It implies and then retracts the least.

It's a sort of a leasty residue. It just keeps you on your toes. It reminds you that you could be least. So be grateful. One day you'll be least. One day they'll just say and last and you'll go, oh God, I am leased. And then you never get rid of that once you're leased. You get a leased infection and it's very hard to put it around.

Before we clink mics and drink to the top stories of this week, let's have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week of the magazine is a topless beach photo of a diagram of global economic inflation. Where does it end? Headlines say, inflation, the hot new trend, why being able to afford rent is so last season, how you can perform your own plastic surgery, and rich parents and other tips for staying fabulous.

The satirical cartoon is a bunch of US politicians looking at a wall of televisions, each reporting on a different school shooting. One politician says, I've got it What if we ban children? That one was quite good That one was quite good Are they allowed to be good, political cartoons? No, they're not allowed to be good

I retracted immediately It was powerful and amusing The satirical cartoons are sort of meant to be satire about satirical cartoons as much as they're meant to be satirical cartoons, so they serve a double function, which is that if they're good, that's nice, but if they're bad, they're meant to be. Right, yeah, perfect. You got your get-out clause right there.

Yeah, exactly. Speaking of getting out of stuff, this is our top story for this week. The story that a US Amazon driver was caught in the midst of a police standoff delivering a package. Tom Neenan, you've knocked on the door and said, I have a package for you. Can you unpack this story for us? Allegedly. Sorry, can you unbox this story for us? Oh, very nice.

Hi, everyone. So I've ordered this off of, yeah. Is that what unboxers do? I assume so. I'm going to take you to Cary, North Carolina, where amidst a standoff, an Amazon driver delivered a package, which is commitments I've never had. I mean, my Amazon driver will not, my Amazon driver, I don't own them.

But the one who frequents my house uh would put in you know a uh a missed delivery if it's drizzling so this is impressive i'm really impressed by this um fortunately the thing that was being ordered off uh amazon was a book called how to stop armed standoffs uh so as soon as that arrived everything was wrapped up immediately but no i just think this is it just shows that people who work in the you know the hustle industry and the people who work for sort of you know very low wages but still really commit to stuff and it's maybe an indictment of our current society that people are willing to risk their lives in order to get people their sort of packaging and things like you know their tupperware

that they need this chap was collared by the police on his way to the door and the police confiscated his parcel. And he did that thing that Amazon drivers do, which is took a photo of the parcel before he left. Which is incredible, which is like, yeah, basically left a note saying your package is beneath a sniper rifle somewhere. You have to go and find it. But it got there in the end which i guess is good but um basically this is all of these jobs are things that they now say can be done by drones right armed standoffs and delivering amazon packages are both things that could have been done by drones so we could have had a very fun situation where two different sets of drones met and i don't know maybe became friends fell in love let's be, it's three things that drones could possibly do in the near future,

at least according to a lot of very hysterical tweets. One is police enforcement, the other is delivering packages, and the third is taking hostages. All three. That is a Pixar film that I'm writing at the minute. That is my idea and you can't have it. Eleanor? People keep saying, oh, you know, drones are...

I haven't had anything delivered by a drone. I would love to have something delivered by a drone. That would be great. That would be very useful. I'm in a top floor flat. It could just come to the window. I think if you looked up the phrase late-stage capitalism in a dictionary, this would be the picture that accompanied it.

What does that say about the world more than the fact that the Amazon package, you know, God knows what Amazon are going to do to that guy if he doesn't deliver it. It's sort of like maybe they would end up in an arm standoff. So I get it. You know, we're all people who've had jobs we know what it's like you've got to deliver literally in his case and um you don't want to get in trouble for not not doing that i do wonder was it a package for the guy in the standoff or was it a

package for someone in the building because i think it was a package for the guy in the standoff this is sort of a typical of these stories they They look very funny on the surface, and the deeper you dig, the more tragic they get. The chap said that a number of Amazon employees commented on this story and said that if he hadn't delivered the package, he might have gotten fired, which you think there would be a clause of like, sorry, I'm late, I didn't deliver the package

because there were men with guns pointed in both directions that I was meant to go towards. Yeah, one of the boxes because there were men with guns pointed in both directions that i was meant to go towards yeah one of the boxes to tick you know you were out no one answered there was some police with rifles nowadays people are so you know we've become so used to the idea that you have to get stuff immediately when you want it and there can be nothing to stop it that you know people will people will order things in the middle of a standoff and go, I can't believe this guy's late. What an inconvenience for me. And I kind of miss when you would order something

and you didn't get a choice about how quickly it came. You just had to wait until it did. I think that taught us a bit of patience and self-control. Oh, this instant gratification culture is awful now. People get married, they expect to begin the rest of their lives together immediately. It used to be you'd get married, he'd go off to sea for 16 years and come back.

You'd have a child, was it his? You don't know. You'd be in different wings of the house as well. Yeah. You didn't have to see each other all the time. Well, I guess this is the other crossover between hostages and Amazon workers is they both wee in bottles.

So, you know, proper late-stage capitalism. Very similar warehouse conditions. I also think that if drones were doing these jobs, much easier for them to organise a union strikes and things. You wouldn't want to come up against the drones if they decided their working conditions weren't good enough.

Maybe they need to get some more drones in the unions. Good point. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. You're cultured, you're polite, you take your hat off when you go indoors, so why do you leave your hair on? Stop being rude, get rid

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Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. Now it's time for your child development news story, which is the news that dad jokes may help with child development. Eleanor Morton, you've met a dad. Can you unpack this story? Yeah, I have to say first of all that the articles about this were all definitely

written by dads and that there's no way the researcher is not also a dad. So apparently according to this research it's all very may and possibly so it's nothing concrete but the theory is that dad jokes it's mud right now

sorry yeah yeah yeah dad jokes like that um like that i love it hey i'm not gonna stop i'm not gonna stop hello i'm not gonna stop i'm dad call me an ambulance. Apparently they're good. An ambulance. They're good for your development. An ambulance call. Your phone is running. What?

Dad, I don't want to talk to you anymore, dad. Like emancipation, please. The theory is that they are good for your development because they sort of challenge children to um they give you a sense of you know there's a bit of embarrassment there there's a bit of discomfort and they kind of help children to develop the idea that it's okay to be a bit embarrassed or have a bit of discomfort um which i think is an incredible way for dads to centre themselves in child rearing now the idea that dad jokes might make your children better somehow is is is incredibly confident given that the

majority of child rearing and house labour is still done by women but someone's written a whole paper about maybe your terrible jokes might be like the key to that child's confidence and resilience later in life. When I first read this, I thought it was maybe that the kind of the use of puns or word trickery would teach children to think more laterally and to kind of, but it's just that being mean and tricking your children allegedly makes them stronger. I think they called it an aggressive parenting style, which I thought was funny. Yeah,eter gray says ideally father's rougher style of joking fulfills a function teasingly striking at their children's egos and emotions without

teetering over into bullying fathers build their children's resilience and teach them to withstand minor attacks and bouts of negative emotion teaching them impulse control and emotional regulation, I go f*** yourself. Well, I mean, to be fair, my dad loves a dad joke. I am now a comedian. What does that say? You know, was he wrong? Did that not work? That wasn't his intention. But they become ingrained in quite a lot. Like in the previous story, when you said I've never had anything delivered by a drone. In my head, I immediately thought, apart from a speech by a politician.

And yeah, exactly. And it's like, but you have to like crush it down. It's giving you this thing that you then need to. I read this story, which is from, will you say Aras University? Is that where it's from? The Dad Institute of Making Dads Look Cool. Yeah, which is literally, and I saw Aris and was like, that's a bit of a funny name.

Is that deliberate? Is that part of the dad joke? It's, they're infectious and they're bad and we shouldn't be, I agree with you both, we shouldn't be encouraging this. Having said that, I did come up with an amazing dad joke last night. Please tell. And I was so pleased with myself. Me and my friend Caitlin were walking along lothian road and the futon shop the burglar alarm was going off and i said quick as a flash guys this is years of training i said there's

been a burglary at the futon company police say the suspects are lying low yes thank you that's the reaction that's the reaction i'm so pleased with that i was gonna say uh police say the suspects didn't steal anything that mattress oh very nice that's not bad yeah i mean the groan is how you know it's good yeah i was um anytime i'm on the tube and i go through oval uh there will be announcement an announcement that says, this station is Oval. And I'll say, it looks more square to me. My dad's favourite thing, and it's not really a dad joke, it's just like a dad vibe,

is whenever you, like, a small injury, you stub your toe, you bite your tongue, and you go, oh, that really hurt. He goes, huh, we probably shouldn't do it then. It's the most... ..annoying... I'm so angry. But, Tom tom you're a dad are you you're a dad no no my god in joke to injury oh my god you just look like a dad i could i look so much like a dad but i can't but i've got dad joke like i've got that dad humor thing like um there's a very famous

is it a vine where there's a guy driving on the street uh is that his name yeah he's very funny and uh and he rolled work ahead i sure hope it does and that is like i hear that in my head every single day i think about it every single day and it makes me so happy um but no i'm not a dad i think we've learned from this article that you don't need to be a father to be a dad. You just need to be someone who feels like mild bullying is resilience building for the people around you. That is 100% me. That is my personality right there. Your reviews section now.

And as you know, each week our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars tom neenan what have you brought in for us this week hello today i am reviewing uh celebrities that you've forgotten about but are still great so i'll be reviewing some celebrities you've forgotten about but are still great uh number one calista flockhart uh this unproblematic star of early noughties uh stayed out of theelight, but remains an absolute delight. Four out of five. One for the Brits here, Anthony Worrell Thompson. The kitchen maestro hasn't been seen a lot recently, but he remains a delightful presence and a short-necked foodie.

So he gets three stars out of five. Anastasia, the specs-wearing warbler, still has a great voice and is still knocking out the hits. Five out of five. Bubba Sparks, I hope he's well, four out of five. And finally, Preston from The Ordinary Boys, now living in LA, no longer married to Chantel,

four out of five. Those were your celebrities you'd forgotten about. Someone mentioned Preston the other day. I'm just saying it's like a confirmation, was it confirmation bias? I've heard about Prestston twice this week and i think that's is it barda meinhoff complex but for preston from the ordinary boys yes you just you keep remembering people yeah well there you go he doesn't like preston yeah yeah i have barda meinhoff meinhoff complex where i keep hearing about Bader-Meinhof complex.

Eleanor, what have you brought in for us? Today I'm reviewing bags. And I want to start with top tier, which is, just because I use them a lot, top tier is definitely going to be a canvas tote. Versatile, good for shopping, good for for anything really you put loads of stuff in there i put i put all sorts of things five out of five and then you get to mid-tier mid-tier bags that's that's a plastic bag uh you know a nog of the environment but durable you can have it forever again put all sorts of stuff in that swim costumes food swim costumes and food um but the one i

really want to talk about three out of five but the one i really want to talk about three out of five but the one i want to really talk about is is tiny tiny little bags because tiny little bags are back and i'm very upset about this i don't know alice uh how much of a fashionista you are i you know i assume tom is um do you remember the mid-2000s remember the tiny little pochette bags the baguettes as they were called the the tiny shoulder bags where the strap and the bag were the same size do you remember this i do i do remember cast your mind back yeah it's a terrible time so they're back in fashion it was a terrible time and now they're back again and everyone's got a tiny bag with nothing in it and um it just angers me to see i never thought i'd

become that person who was angry about fashion trends reoccurring like but you know uh meme from um meme from the last crusade me looking old and saying you've chosen poorly because uh they're back and i want to go up to the young women i see who look very stylish but i want to go up and be like, that bag is, you're going to regret that bag. You're going to look back in 10 years and think, I could have been carrying around so much more stuff than this. And what a fool I was. And I'm just too wise now.

So zero out of 10 for tiny little bags. And I keep seeing them everywhere. I absolutely agree with this as somebody who has always been the carrier around of extremely large bags at all times with all sorts of equipment. If I'm not, you know, I don't know if this is like Holocaust genetics or just leaving the house very early and doing lots of activities when I was at university, but I just will not leave the house unless I have at least three carabiners.

Absolutely. And something with multiple pouches in it. We've definitely moved on as a society if you can mention a plastic bag and not immediately make a reference to American Beauty. And I'd like us all to be thankful that that didn't happen. Yeah, good point. Yeah, we're all moving forward and we need to leave that film behind in the rear view mirror. We really do.

Our nostalgia correspondent tom nina that's me now it's time for your finance news and this is the news that jp morgan chase has been the victim of a fairy tale they are the evil goblin in a fairy tale who got tricked by probably somebody morally better than them tom neenan you've stood on a bridge and forbidden people to pass unless they answered one of your three tricky riddles can you unpack this story for us yes of course uh i frequently do that uh only to billy goats nowadays um who do a lot of tramping over bridges but um always in height order as well if i were there

might mix it up anyway uh yes jp morgan uh have been uh they've been the victim of what i call um the uh the it's not like you to say sorry i'm always waiting on a different story because uh they thought they had nickelbacks no oh okay okay this is a very visual gag for a very audio magazine you've been predicted by ped our editor who had written on a piece of paper that tom neenan would make a nickelback joke that's incredible which i i feel so as the kids say, I feel seen. Thank you. So that's basically what's happened.

I was reading this story and I can't quite get to the bottom of when this happened. That basically JP Morgan assumed that they were in possession of basically a warehouse full of bags full of nickels. And actually every single one of those nickels, it turned out to be bags full of pebbles, which sounds a bit similar. So it could be that there was a phone conversation that somehow went awry. Or like you say, they didn't get the name right of some goblin. And so he cursed them. But either way, basically, J.P. Morgan are now in possession of a warehouse full of bags, which I think, what was it? I can't remember the percentage now, but they're worth about something like 0.01 percent of what they thought they were because pebbles are less valuable

than money that's basically why most rich people have a sand beach not a pebble beach because i mean also really if your sand castle is a castle it's not a beach stop pretending to be beaches you're just a shore yeah exactly that's all we've got in britain you can't take pebble beaches away from us alice it's our beach culture i just did but yeah as a spokesman from jp morgan said if i did nickel for every time i'd found a pebble that would really help us out right now um In this story, so they, I'm guessing they purchased it from an unscrupulous person who then just, they just assumed there was lots of money in there and it just had the same weight as the money. And now they're in possession of, like you say, basically a very underwhelming British seaside resort.

Well, I mean, this reflects on the London Metal Exchangers' veracity because they were the ones who verified that the bags were full of nickels. What are we going to do without our unwavering trust in the London Metal Exchange? I always prefer the London Jazz Exchange or the London Easy Listening Exchange, personally. I'll swap you a crooner for a lounge singer. So apparently they trade in hard metals, JPp morgan i don't know how this works but um i don't know if it was a mix-up or a trick i don't know who was someone was ordering like someone with a big um a big driveway was ordering a lot of stones for that but um i mean

i also don't know how much a lot of nickel is even worth. It's obviously, it's a low down denomination as far as metals go. Well, it's $1.3 million worth. Oh, no, okay, that's quite a lot of money, yeah. Of not nickel. Had it been nickel, it would have been worth $1.3 million. Unfortunately, the story doesn't tell us how much it was worth as stones. Presumably had some worth but probably not as much as if it were metal yeah and i you know i'm thinking like yeah money is useful now

but in the upcoming apocalypse will many many stones not be more useful you can build a shelter you can throw them at enemies you can make stone soup to bring it back to the fairy tale vibe and then you know live on that for months and months so don't look a gift stone in the mouth is what i say i think i have to figure out who switched it uh what magic spell was used who decided to check it because if you'd never checked it it would have been schrodinger's nickel and it would have kept being traded i don't think anyone would have taken the nickel out it would have just kept being in bags signifying value. Well, apparently this all happened in Rotterdam, which is also what JP Morgan said when they found out they'd been duped.

Oh. Dad jokes. Now it's time for our TikTok terrible sad news. This is the news that it is now a trend among young workers to live talk if that is indeed the term and i'm pretty sure it isn't their resignations uh eleanor morton you're on the internet can you unpack this story for us hi yes i am on the internet i am on tiktok in fact not right now um you're all interesting enough that I haven't been distracted yet. So apparently a lot of Gen Z, I believe is the term, youngsters have been quitting their jobs

and sort of live streaming it while they do it, which I don't really know. I guess they were talking to psychologists about this, and the idea is that younger people are uh digital natives is the term so that you know they've they've grown up with the internet from from birth and social media from birth so they feel the need to share everything and kind of document everything including things like this which i certainly wouldn't do because i always cry when i quit or get fired because it's very stressful but they they seem i guess they find a comfort maybe in,

in sharing that moment with people. And also, you know, the idea of, of they're all getting very burnt out because, uh, again, capitalist nightmare.

So they're all sort of going, I'm done with this. I'm, I'm moving on. I mean, the problem is that if they will become full-time TikTokers, which is the phrase, um,

then, um, they'll overflood the market and then they'll have to quit tiktok live on another app when they're streaming themselves on tiktok and they're going it's time to leave tiktok for i don't know it's snapchat still a thing all i know is if you can't stop streaming you need to see a doctor part of me admires the kind of the chutzpah of you know being because I think uh generations above that are quite bad at quitting jobs when we should so uh not us not not comedians but you know other people sensible jobs are quite bad at sort of having boundaries so in a way I like the idea that they're kind of going um I'm done I'm out of here but we'll see

I don't know what we don't really know what the impact is going to be well i feel like what the thing is they have they don't have boundaries but in the other on the other angle the boundaries about work hours but not about sharing every minute detail of their personal lives uh yeah random strangers on the internet yeah i think it's mainly just a great story because of the phrase quit talk, which you couldn't, I've tried some other ones. Resign Instagram. Doesn't really work. I rest my case book,

barely even relevant to the story. And I don't need this job. I'm going to be vine like that. None of them have the same ring. What about quitter? Oh my God. I'm going to give up. I'll just give up.

Yeah. Yeah. Quitter. Definitely. Wow. Well, well we've done it so that's what they should be doing nailed it which is funny because twitter is actually quitting being a thing as well at the same time so it all works out and also no one's been able to quit twitter because they've all been fired um so so the irony is there one more dad joke just for this so if you work for a dentist surgery and you want to do this would you quit by on tiktok okay this is good this is gonna be good it lacks the brevity of a dad joke but i'm gonna saw my face just there working a dentist surgery right keep that in your head right you're gonna quit on tiktok right would you do that right keep all that by flossing there we go we got there guys and i'm really proud

of us all very good that was the most while trying to be relevant still dating yourself that i've heard all day now we're flipping through the ads at the back. It's the end of the show. Tom Neenan, have you got anything to plug? I'm at T Neenan on Twitter. I feel like I always plug things and then I get emails saying that has been delayed. So basically, I think the thing I plugged last time still doesn't come out. So basically, listen to that one and that will come out.

But follow me on Twitter. I will post when exciting things are happening also I'm going to plug I'm going to plug something I haven't been involved in like a film I've seen recently Scream 6, go and see Scream 6

in cinemas now because franchise cinema is an exciting thing and we should all support it, thank you Eleanor, what have you got to plug? If you're coming to MacAuliffe Festival at the end of April then there's still tickets for my ill-advised character show, it does what it

says on the tin and I'm also very excited, I'm going to be interviewing Josie Long about her new book, short stories book on the 22nd of May in Edinburgh so I have put details for that on my social memes if you'd like to come and do that I think it'd be a very

wholesome lovely event where we talk about books and stuff yeah that's me I'll tell you what speaking of books I'm going to recommend Such a Fun Age which is a book I've just finished which is very good and very funny and very timely there you go that's my plug for this week

You can find me online at patreon.com slash alicefraser it's a one stop shop full of my stand up specials podcasts and blogs as well as my weekly tea with Alice Sellons and my weekly writers meetings if you'd like to write with me or do a writers workshop, that's the place to go patreon.com slash alicefraser, I'm doing my new show

Twist at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival if you're in Melbourne, do come and see it, this is an Alice Fraser That's the place to go, patreon.com slash alicefraser. I'm doing my new show, Twist, at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. If you're in Melbourne, do come and see it. This is an Alice Fraser and Bugle podcast production. If you'd like to be a roving reporter for The Gargle, tweet us at HelloGarglers on Twitter. The roving reporters this week for this week's edition of The Gargle are Sealips, who sent in the Amazon standoff story, JamesVT, who sent in the dad joke story, and FiendishSkulled, who sent in the Amazon standoff story, James VT, who sent in the dad joke story, and Fiendish Skald, who sent in the Nickelbags story.

Your editor is Pet Hunter, your executive producer is Chris Skinner, and I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.