The Gargle - Duck detective | NFT theft | Fictosexual love

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

Alison Spittle and James Nokise join host Alice Fraser for episode 60 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🦆 Duck detective🙈 Ape NFTs stolen💏 Fictosexual love🍟 1950s McDonald's fries found🧻 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Stay away from that trapdoor, because there's something down there. And the thing down there is the gargle. The Sonic Glossy magazine to the Bugles Audio Newspaper for Visual World, this is the gargle. I am your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Alison Spittel and James Nokise. Hello. Hello.

Was that as nostalgic for you as it was for me? Or was it just as nostalgic for me as it was for me? I wasn't allowed to watch television, I still know The Trap Door. Oh, that's the kids thing, isn't it? With the Play-Doh and stuff. Yeah. Yes. I get that reference, though.

I just thought you were just doing something a bit different and I was supporting you in that. I don't know if it made it to New Zealand. I mean, I think it did. I have a vague memory of it, but I feel like we had some sort of show with a kiwi in a bush. That feels very New Zealand. Yeah.

Was that a show or was that just being forced to look out the window? We only got three channels in the 90s, so it was wild times here. Before we link arms and begin the Hava Nagila that is this week's episode, let's have a look at the front cover. This week's front cover model is Ryan Reynolds being f***ably supportive of his wife. The headlines read, Met Gala, I just met her, and fashion so far forward it's falling over, as well as hats. Are they a personality? Open brackets. No, close brackets.

The satirical cartoon for this week is a picture of some salmon eggs and a man in fishing gear. The headline reads Roe v. Waders. And that's the only news about that that we're going to discuss this week. Let's plunge into the body of this week's episode. Our first story is the duck detective news. Have you been following this duck? A pet duck has discovered a body after running under a trailer in North Carolina, presumably to get away from people insisting a duck can be domesticated.

Its owners following it under the trailer, I mean, that is commitment, discovered a container with remains. Yes. There's so much to unpack here. Who hides a body under a trailer? Who domesticates a duck? Was the duck making a threat showing what happened to the last people

who tried to domesticate it? If so, that is big duck energy. Alison Spittel, you have a love-hate relationship with birds. Can you unpack this story? I do have a love-hate relationship can you unpack this story I do have a relationship with uh birds first off this is a lot like a podcast I enjoy listening to it's a very entertaining story but someone is dead uh at the back of it all you know we can't we can't take that back it's a real person that's real remains underneath. So what happened was this lady, she was in her 90s.

She went missing for a couple of years. And a domesticated duck, a pet, ran under a trailer. And when their owners ran under the trailer to get back the duck because they wanted to continue domesticating the duck and felt it didn't need freedom of movement, they found a container full of remains, which, to be honest with you, it's like the film The Mighty Ducks, you know?

Like, The Mighty Ducks, that hockey team realised that the power was within them the whole time. And this duck has taught some people that the remains were within the confines of the trailer this whole time. And that's all they had to do was look within themselves and look within that space between the trailer and the ground and they would find that that missing woman also what i love is one of my favorite quotes from this was the local policeman said

if i could give that duck a medal i would and it's like who's stopping you sir you can buy medals anywhere and you can give that duck a medal. Everyone has the authority to give people medals. We should break away from the chains of our system that we have now and realise you can buy a medal in the shop. Anyone can have a medal. It's fine. Well, in honour of the duck instead of a medal, in honour of the duck instead of a medal,

they've decided to change the language. It used to be a murder of crows. Now it's considered a Columbo of ducks. Yes. Normally it's joggers that find bodies. But in this instance, it was just the duck. James Nwokise, would you bury a body so badly that it could be found by a duck? Well, look, I think we're not taking the age of the body into account here.

This is a 93- 93 year old body that's been found so i'm just saying if this was an actual detective serial then the twist would be that it was the duck's ancestors that had killed the person years ago oh no no the body isn't 93 year old uh the body was the lady was 93 years old the body is like two years old the body is fresh baby oh the body's fresh i've completely misread this yeah so it was the lady was 93 years old. The body is like two years old. The body is fresh, baby. Oh, the body's fresh. I've completely misread this. Yeah. So it was the lady who found it, 93 years old.

You're no duck detective. No, I'm not a duck detective. I'm more of a cat man. They're really into like just crimes of opportunity. I just can't wait for Kenneth Branagh to remake it. The lady was 93. The lady who owns the duck is 93 years old. No, the lady who owns the body. The lady who owns the body. No, the lady who owns the body.

The lady who owns the body. No, the lady who died. The tragic person at the centre of this is 93 years old. What I love, though, is they can tell the story because we don't know how she died. That's the great thing about this. Could have been natural causes. Like, it really could have been. I maintain it's the ducks.

I'm telling you, it's the ducks who did it. There's a pop-out quiz section here in this magazine a german study that proves that ducks are the funniest animal to appear in jokes it's a true study that they did many years ago um but murder as we all know is the least funny crime as we've just discovered so on a scale from one to ten where ten is pretty funny how funny is this this discovery? I think it's pretty funny. I hope the duck had a hat and a little Colombo jacket. Like, I don't imagine this duck not wearing human clothing. If it's able to find a dead body, it's able to wear a hat, I think.

Oh, yeah. With a little cigar in its mouth, you know. If the duck's walking away from the trailer and then just turns around and goes, wah, wah, wah, just one more question. It followed the trailer of Breadcrumbs. If this does not end like the ending of Animal Farm with the duck in the midst of a bunch of detectives and then you can't tell which was the duck and which is the detectives, then I won't be happy. At this point, Alice, we laugh.

But at this point, Alice, we laugh. But at this point, if Netflix came out with Duck Detective, we'd all watch. Oh, yes. Yes, and I would never shut up about the fact that it should have been Duck-tective. Or deductive reasoning. Oh! Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy.

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Also to make an announcement. As you know, I'm good friends with a number of famous writers, including self-published romance maven and online bestseller, Dancy Lagarde. And it's in my role as patron of the literary arts that I would like to announce the first real legitimate Bugleverse writing competition, Yes. in a patented new cryptocurrency backed by pork-barrelling Lagarde sales. The plus is constituted of half a glass of water. The post is now live on my Patreon if you want to click through for the details of the competition. You don't have to subscribe to my Patreon to read it.

I could have made a website, but I didn't. So you just go onto my Patreon, find the post. It has the details and the submission guidelines. I made a new email address. There is £200 sitting on my desk right now, and I will put you in the cryptocurrency ledger that is just a real ledger that is on my desk and I'll write your name in it and £10,000

and that's how much I'll owe you if the ledger ever becomes worth money. That's how cryptocurrency works, right? Sure. Anyway, submissions are now open. They close on the 1st of June and then on the 1st of July, I will announce the winners. And if you submit, we may read you out loud on this august publication.

Water. It makes up 71% of the planet, 60% of the human body, 150% of the 90s classic Roy Schneider vehicle, Sequest DSV, and 50% of this glass of water. Half a glass of water. Statistically, it's some. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts.

Everywhere. Acast.com. And now it's time for your tech crime news. Speaking of tech crimes, a phishing post on an Instagram has led to a mass theft of the bored ape yacht club NFTs. Now, James Nokise, you're wearing a hat. Can you unpack this story for us? Thank you, Alice. As anyone who's ever watched the photos of this podcast will know,

my affinity for hats makes me an expert on NFTs. This is Yuga, who is behind the most famous nfts the ape uh pictures uh and they have been hacked through a very technological um instagram phishing link so someone has taken over their instagram account um which surely is a little bit embarrassing when you're meant to be the techno crypto people um and has sent out a little link to click and it turns out alice i don't know if you guys are aware but people who are into nfts can be quite gullible it's weird and so um they've lost it's just it's just a community made up of people who would buy penis enlargement pills if they were advertised on the right podcast you know

they've lost like they reckon they've lost about 2.2 million but i feel like whenever it's cryptocurrency you should put in brackets probably like because it's all been you know these eight pictures are worth millions and you, there are some very famous owners of the pictures, Eminem, Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna, who were brilliant artists. I would not necessarily trust them with my finances. But there's actually, why the story is interesting is that it's actually highlighted the fact that there's crypto theft has become quite rife um during the pandemic so there's it's not even the biggest crime uh that's happened there's been um cryptocurrencies that's been taken from uh those online gaming communities which is worth uh apparently like millions uh and millions of of dollars not to mention the marriages that are probably breaking up due to having lost your

mortgage, playing as an elf, riding a hippopotamus, fighting orcs for 20 hours a day. I mean, your marriage was already on the edge. The thing about fiat currencies is that they're backed by things of which there is a limited supply, you know, gold or whatever. There's an amount of it, you know. But the problem with NFTs is that there is an infinite supply of idiots who will throw money into the sarlacc pit of a quote-unquote asset that seems to be mainly the unholy spawn of a gold rush and a pyramid scheme. It's a deeply unfortunate thing to watch.

I think what should make it nfts like more bearable is if the people who were into them weren't so righteous about their currency like if they were just like yeah i've got millions of nfts i hope it works out like just a little bit of hesitancy on their part but they seem to be or because you need the confidence to sell the confidence of in order to bring other people in but this is the thing because essentially what it is is people who don't have money going what if money but i had it uh so they're starting in at the bottom level of the creation of money but unfortunately as a way of like evading the banking system they're encountering all of the problems that led to the banking system, like rife connery and theft and exploitation and abuse

and people stealing your password or breaking your toes until you give them your Bitcoin. All of that stuff is now happening and is the reason that we invented banks. And so now all these things are springing up like Coinbase and whatever to function essentially as banks. And look, it is working to a certain extent but it might not work forever but it might there's no reason that it doesn't i mean there's no reason that money did and this won't yeah it's kind of like my my cousin uh

this week i've just like looking at my instagram inbox she has has sent me like 500 quid for you to tell me what's inside of the circle. And it's a circle there that says like, you can't see it, but it's definitely got like six, eight, nine in it. So if you've ever got that message and you can't quite see, it's six, eight, nine, and that's 500 quid. And then the rest of it, Bitcoin mining is real and legit. I just invested 500 euro into bitcoin mining and i got back 10 000 euro direct into my bank account all thanks to at alicia fx crypto now this is a woman

who told me once that she knows the devil is real because the devil tried to have a sexual relationship with her when she went camping that time so i'm just gonna say you can't just brush over a story like that did she just say that or were there details or did she see he brushed your cousin goat he brushed her leg yeah she probably did I don't know yeah the devil brushed the devil brushed my leg the devil brushed her leg it was more it was more of a

it wasn't really verbally he didn't say like I would like to be in a sexual relationship with you she just she just what they call what the young people

call it now caught a vibe right so she she caught a vibe because the devil wanted to have sexual relations with her when she went camping. And also the Bitcoin is real. So, you know, these two things can be true at the same time.

Now it is time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guests to bring in something to review out of five stars. James Nwokise, what have you brought in for us? Alice, it's going to be a bit weird, but I've brought in the NBA playoffs. And I don't know how much gargle listeners are into sports, but the playoffs have been going for about a week and a half now. And I'm not even wearing the hat of the team I support.

But it's just in these times, really nice to spend about an hour to 90 minutes a day, massively emotionally invested in something which seems so high stakes and means absolutely nothing. It's just the most athletic men in the world bouncing a ball and throwing it in a basket and it's so good for my mental health five stars i'm very glad to hear it allison spittle what have you brought in for us so i've decided to review are the cardboard inserts inside toilet rolls i don't know what they're actually called we need to come up collectively with a name for the cardboard inserts inside toilet rolls.

But just structurally, they're a fantastic piece of equipment. When I was a kid, I used to make binoculars out of them. You can also make a kind of musical instrument out of cardboard inserts inside toilet rolls. I'm not going to put this inside my mouth because I live in a shared house. And, you know, we all shared a toilet paper and uh i just think it's a step too far to put my mouth on it but you would just have to you don't know whose mouth it's already been in yeah yeah exactly so so i'm gonna give uh the cardboard inserts inside toilet rolls uh a four out of five for structural integrity.

Do I think the color could be improved? Yes. I think we could go for a brighter color. You know, something that gives us a bit of optimism when we finish the loo roll. Because there's nothing worse than looking into a, you know, you're in a public toilet and you find one of these lads and you're like you can't help me uh well they can if you're in a really really really bad position you could you could make it into like a spoon formation it has been done before it has been done before no one's happy about it not the most comfortable of wipes are you talitarian it's a very good i'm I'm going to give it four out of five.

It's the opposite of utilitarianism, isn't it? It's the least happiness for the most amount of people, the old toilet roll scraper. Sometimes I just use big words, Alison, hope for the best. You know what I mean? Well, that's all the time we have for our reviews. Five stars for our reviewers this week. Excellent work and always enjoyable.

Now it's time for relationships news. This is the news that a fictosexual man, a man who is attracted or says he's attracted, let's not doubt his attraction, a man who is attracted to a fictional character has found it a struggle to bond with his holographic wife. Alison Spittel. You've had an imaginary friend.

Can you unpack this story for us? Yes. So this is a fictosexual man who is married. Would she be an avatar? She's a pop star. She's actually really big. Her name is Hatsune Miku, and she's actually supported Lady Gaga on her Art Pop tour a couple of years ago. So she is, I mean, it is a fictional woman,

but he has aimed high. She's also 16. We definitely gloss over that. He is 38, quite the big age gap. But, you know, I bet he loves the film with Matthew McConaughey in it, where he goes, what I love about these hologram girls, man,

I get older, they stay the same age uh she is still 16 they've been in a relationship for a couple of years they had a wedding an unofficial wedding he spent uh about 17 000 on this wedding which his family did not attend uh which sounds like my best wedding to be honest with you he's married four years to this woman uh he's 38 he says the relationship has hit a roadblock and he can no longer speak with miku due to a technological hurdle so what's happened is that uh whatever he was now i'm not the most techie of people but what i got from reading this story is uh something's no longer updating and he can't communicate with his wife which is a lot like uh there's a lot like normal normal marriages between two humans

and he's trying to get a tech support for gatebox software which was eliminated means that he can no longer speak to her and what i what i love about this story is like he's still very much into the marriage and i i kind of did judge him story is like he's still very much into the marriage and i i kind of did judge him a bit but then i remembered myself that i was definitely a fictosexual when i was about 15 16 because i was in love with the idea of morrissey and just uh pretended that he shared all of my political views and then i grew up i used to have pieces of his shirt he used to throw his shirt into the crowds at concerts and stuff and i used to hold on to the shirt of my teeth while like

42 year old men would be elbowing me in the face trying to get a piece of this shirt and you know i i would have like a piece of his armpit which armpit shirt which was the best bit and I remember I can still it used to smell very heavily of like how old was he at the time 58 year old man and patchouli oil and so can I judge this

man? No. I cannot judge this man. I'm fully in support. What else do I love about this? He went out with a fictional character, but not an age-appropriate fictional character, which I think is, like, meant all over.

If you're going to go out with someone that's, like, not fictional, make her 32, man. Give her a bit of life experience. What are you going to talk about with a 16-year-old? Now, remind a 16-year-old avatar or whatever, how was school today you know it's just that marriage cannot sustain itself i suspect that this this uh this avatar

just uh just stop work just control control i'll delete it herself just to get out of this marriage to be honest with you but uh yeah that's the story of this uh of these crazy lovebirds i like the honesty of this, that he is acknowledging that he's a fictosexual, because I think there are many people in genuine relationships that do not really think that their opposite sex partner is real. They've just created a fiction. I've been in that relationship before

where someone's just created an idea of you, and I'd rather they married an anime character. I'd rather they drew a picture of you and uh it's i'd rather they married an anime character i'd rather they drew a picture of me and married it you know totally get where you're coming from like he doesn't have to like what are the things that he doesn't have to deal with being with being with this avatar like uh everything yeah periods uh yeah periods i went i went on a hotel trip with my boyfriend two weeks ago in this place in Barcelona. The bathroom door was clear and did not close properly. We're going out 10 years. I don't need to know. I had to beg him to put on music.

I was like, please put on music. Please. Let's keep a bit of history. I can't help the scent, but I could help the noise. So you don't have to deal with that with going out with an avatar. you know i can't help the scent but i could help the noise like there was like so you don't have to deal with that with going out with an avatar no you don't james nookise have you ever married an avatar well i married a comedian so it's um just making sure they can't hear that sentence door may creak open at any moment so who's doing jokes trying to be funny again um look i i can sort of relate uh to to this story i think i think we've all you know i eloped overseas and my wife had only been to new zealand once secretly uh and and so a lot of people back

home when i came home without her because she had to go on tour, were like, well, we think you might have married someone fictional. Because we've seen photos online, but photos can be Photoshopped. And then she didn't show up for about six months. For six months, I was definitely the New Zealand version of my girlfriends from Canada. So, you know, and you're still in a marriage. You're still doing all the marriage things and you talk to your phone every day and there's a face in the screen and, you know,

and you put the phone on the pillow next to you. But it's not quite the same. And you sort of, and then after four years, you do need to ask for tech support for the Google, the data box, gate box. I mean, if that's what you want to call it. I don't know what the Japanese term is, but that's fine. I do think you're right.

I think if a mate comes to you and says, hey, I'm going to marry a computer generated character, that's cool. If they didn't say they're 16, I think at that point you've you got to go let's get a beer and just let's let's talk about this all right yeah just wait a couple of years for her to update you know just wait a couple of years for them to update or something like that yeah get the get the latest installation or is that worse do you want the older version and the update the updates like constantly 16 and you just want to know i'm not updating and i like what i have i'm good this is what this is what i married yeah it's glitchy now it's glitchy okay fine sometimes it just crashes and you don't know why and it will not start up but that's what i married

and i love i refuse to trade it in for a younger model that's the same age. Even if it's faster. I don't know what that's a metaphor for. That's all the time we have for fictosexual news, unfortunately. Now it is time for our McDonald's time machine news. And this is the news that Grace Jones and her husband, who live in Chicago, were renovating their bathroom when they found 60-year-old McDonald's fries in the wall of their bathroom. Now, I have heard of people sacrificing dogs or children

to ensure the well-being of a home as they build it, but I have not heard of anyone sacrificing McDonald's fries. James Nwokise, you've eaten McDonald's fries. Can you unpack this story? Well, yeah. I mean, look, first of all, I was very disappointed that this was just a random Gracie Jones is her name in Chicago. Because for a second I was like, it's Grace Jones and her husband.

And this is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to slave to the rhythm Grace Jones. But yes, a 60-year-old couple, they found McDonald's in the wall. The chips, they checked the logo and it looks like it's from the 50s or around that time and uh look they i'm surprised they didn't have a taste i honestly am because by all reports it was still brown it was still crispy we've all eaten chips off the floor at mcdonald's you know, at a certain point. This is pushing the three second rule, James. Well, I feel at a certain point McDonald's just becomes gross.

And like, you know, you've got like. Yes, immediately. You've got like five minutes after it's served on the tray and then it's just gross until you eat it, whether it's two minutes later or decades i think they should probably end up in a museum if it's going to be anywhere you know um probably uh under crimes of humanity committed in the 20th century but it's um i'd be asked we're all comedians we've eaten worse at two o'clock in the morning in edinburgh yes yes definitely and what makes me sad it's like uh because i don't drink a lot but i stay out you know doing gigs and stuff and uh as a comedian we all know eating late at night being sober is uh a harrowing experience because you're saved you're

served up the same swill that the drunk people are served up and you can see you can see the cashiers give it to you and you're like sir i am sober like what am i gonna do this will not comfort me at this time and uh i think like it's a lovely thing to find in between walls wouldn't have this wouldn't this be the perfect story if the duck had found this like wouldn't we have had a great time just talking about the detective duck finding 60-year-old remains of chips instead of the remains of a 90-year-old? It would have been wonderful. And then Grace and her husband found a dead body in their kitchen wall of a 93-year-old lady from a trailer.

Do you know, it would make a lot more sense, though, wouldn't it? If you saw those two stories i don't know like for me this uh the the 60 year old chips as mcdonald's chips as we all know if it isn't eaten within the first three minutes are terrible i think i would eat it i think i would give it a go because it can't be any worse than four minute old mcdonald's chips i just feel like for listeners like just anyone listening right now comedians are the worst people to be barometers for is this a good idea we are definitely the kind of mindsets we'll go yeah i'll probably i'll probably have a taste you could have finished that sentence sentence by saying comedians are the worst people and then continue it with you know.

Well that is all the time we have for the Old Fries news because that brings us to the end of this episode. I'm flipping through the ad section at the back of the episode. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug? I'm going to plug my show in Edinburgh.

It's on in the Pleasant in the attic room in the courtyard and I'm going to plug my show in Edinburgh. It's on in the Pleasant, in the attic room in the courtyard. And I'm on in Edinburgh every day except the 9th of August because I'm flying over to be my sister's bridesmaid. So I'm spending my day off in Edinburgh being a maid of honour. I've got some previews coming up. Me and Amy Gledhill are doing a preview in Two North Down this Saturday. And also I'm doing a preview in Pleasance in London in June. I'm doing some previews in Hay-on-Wye.

I'm doing previews everywhere, baby. Thank you so much for having me on the show, Alice. This podcast is... I really like doing it. And, yeah, I don't know why I said that. I'm just being sincere now. I'll stop. We love having you on. And, James Nwokise, have you got anything to plug? deal with it and uh yeah i don't know why i said that i'm just being sincere now uh i'll stop we love having you on and james nookise have you got anything to plug uh just the usual mental health podcast eating fried chicken shower we have no new episodes of that but i have a brand new podcast

uh which i can't get into details about yet but uh we'll be launching in august and uh i will also be in edinburgh in august just doing doing my show, Goddamn Fancy Man, at different venues at different times in the festival because I've split my season in half to have a mental health break in the middle of the festival because just for once I want to enjoy being in Edinburgh. Hey, that sounds delightful. I will be in Edinburgh with my 10-month-old baby

doing Kronos at 9.15 at the Guild of Balloon. I'll also be doing previews in London, in Wales, all over the place. If you want to know when they are, I'm tweeting at at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram. That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. Or I keep everything up to date on my Patreon, patreon.com slash alicefraser. That is also where to go if you would like to submit something

to the Dancy Lagarde Literary Tribute Competition, which is a real competition, is genuinely open, and I will pay you £200 if you write the best one. I'm also in Sydney this week at the Sydney Comedy Festival at the Enmore Theatre

from Thursday to Sunday. Next week, I'll be in Perth at the Regal Theatre on Friday and Saturday. Tickets for that are available by googling Alice Fraser, Kronos 2022 and then your city. That's the best I can do for you.

And a big thank you to our roving reporters for this week, Pez, who sent in the duck detective, Radomio, who sent in the ficto sexuality story, and Mike Espinos, who sent in the McDonald's fries tale. If you would like to be a gargler's roving reporter, tweet us at HelloGargler's on Twitter. That's the place to be. This is a Bugle Podcast and Alice Fraser production.

Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from the Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.