The Gargle - eBay | Succulents | Chipmunks

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

Alison Spittle and James Colley join host Alice Fraser for episode 23 of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🐷 eBay terror campaign🖐 Amazon palm biometrics🌵 Poached succulents🗽 Crypto libertarian paradise🐦 Bottle cap bird feeder🐿 Chipmunk plagueThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. with a fewer or greater number of sons, you might enjoy doing the thing you're doing right now, which is listening to The Gargle, a news-based satirical rag to press to your fevered brow in these troubled times. The Gargle is the satirical glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper of a very visual world. It is all the latest news without the politics,

and I'm your host, Alice Fraser. Your guest editors for this week's edition of the podcast are movies and technology expert, if licking batteries counts as technology, Alison Spittel. Yes, it most definitely does. I have it on my CV now. I mean... I'll lick them again.

I would have let you live it down, except you were literally late to this recording because you had to go and get more batteries, which I assume is for an afternoon snack. Yeah, I forgot you don't swallow them. I'm like, you know, I had to go down to the corner shop and get more. They're like palm bears to me now. And science and Australian culture expert, if managing to position yourself as the person all major

figures in the Australian chattering classes feel comfortable and friendly enough with to relentlessly bully online counts as Australian culture, James Colley. Why won't they leave me alone? It's a remarkable feat, James Colley. Why won't they leave me alone? It's a remarkable feat, James. Genuinely, just the amount of trolling that you get

from very famous people. Sometimes I look at you and wish people liked me enough to treat me like shit. It is a lovely, like, you come through high school and you think the speed at which people are comfortable bullying you is going to be a disadvantage in your life, but then it turns around around all of a sudden it's your biggest selling point the front page of the magazine this week is a topless matt damon heavily photoshopped to look

like he's growing and learning the problem with having a perennially open and friendly baby face is people find it difficult to really internalise the reality that you're a middle-aged multimillionaire who has like five people in the world he can actually talk to. You know, he got stuck in Ireland at the first lockdown and Ireland treated him like their new patron saint. Like he walked outside of a plastic bag and people were like, he's a man of

the people he's an incredible down-to-earth man because he put his towel in a plastic bag when going to the beach that's worrying because from what i've read if he's stuck on you he's going to say some awful slurs the satirical cartoon this week is da baby getting cancelled by lollapalooza and anyone over the age of consent being cast into serious doubt about their literacy when they read that sentence. It's one of those stories that I haven't investigated because I find every headline just makes me feel old. I was worried because I'm a fan of Da Baby,

but then I realised I'm actually a fan of Lil Baby and DaBaby can go. This is too many babies Muppet babies, they're all there. We should just get them to differentiate themselves right now. Get the Muppet babies at Lollapalooza, I'm pretty sure they're not homophobic. We can test them, we can find out Now our first section of the magazine opening up the magazine we have our corporate terrorism section uh this is this is the story of an ebay terror campaign alison spittle uh you've just bought some batteries can you tell us about this story well i can tell you it wasn't off ebay

um so ebay is a company that i haven't thought about in years, to be honest with you. And I didn't think that the next time I would hear about eBay is when they literally terrorized a couple. Like this story reads out like a film. I can imagine Russell Crowe just playing eBay itself, like as an entity, just terrorizing a couple. Let's say Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield will play the Steiners, even though they're in their mid-60s. you know it's Hollywood baby and these people are they're suing eBay because apparently back in the day before the internet was a big thing newsletters were a big thing

and this couple they got into um going to different auctions and picking up stuff and and then they kind of got into ebay and what was so cute about it was they did an ebay newsletter that was physical and not on the internet before and then they eventually put it on the internet and these are people who were like the original ebay people you know what i mean the people that sold roman coins uh online or or a beanie what was it what were those babies they're not that baby it's like a beanie baby the beanie baby beanie baby the original the baby without the homophobia they're very ashamed of them at the moment but yeah they they you know it's not just people who sold beanie babies uh

these were people that made money off ebay uh in the in the mid 2000s little bits of money but then kind of ebay got taken over by bigger shops, and the little guy got pushed out. So there's been a bit of pushback from the Steiners website and the people that comment on the website. There's a lot of news about eBay, and they're not happy with the way eBay is going. eBay have noticed this and have decided terrorism

was the right point of action against these people who are bad-mouthing them. I swear, do not go out with eBay. I can say now, if you ever pursued a romantic relationship with eBay, you only have yourself to blame at this point. Look at what they've done. They've sent stuff like... So the campaign of terror that was brought upon them, they had pizzas delivered at four in the morning to their house.

They would have reefs delivered to them. Also, a pig's head, but with the flesh cut out. And taxidermists would call them and say, are you sure you want this stuffed animal? And they're like, no, no, it's our ex-boyfriend, eBay, who's been constantly terrorizing us. So it's very scary. And even some people that worked for eBay have gone to jail for what they've done.

And now the signers are bringing a lawsuit, which I really hope, you know, maybe this is their ultimate investment in eBay. Well, I mean, the dead pig's head gets me because traditionally, obviously, the menacing head is the dead horse's head in the bed. But I guess when you order things online, you never know how they're going to show up. Yeah, I suppose like any dead head, like, you know, a person that's a fan of the Grateful Dead, if they were sent to your house and they're like, I don't know what I'm doing here, that would be scary too. I think any dead thing of a head is, you know, I'd describe it as a red flag, James. What would you like to get in a campaign of terror against you from ebay oh well it's a very hard choice like that's that's

part of the problem with ebay though like firstly i don't understand why you go on this campaign of harassment after a negative review like i do think it really understands it's a corporate entity understanding the user experience you get one negative review and you absolutely lose your mind about it but like you're ebay you you're literally ebay i'm not coming to you for quality products this is a website designed for men going through a divorce to buy an ill-advised guitar offer men a bit further down the line of a divorce who need the money for child support that's ebay's business model it's a natural circle yeah and that's what they were harassed with. So the list, a dead pig head, pornographic materials,

delivery of live cockroaches, a book called Grief Diaries, The Loss of a Spouse, but in eBay's defence, they were delivered promptly and in good condition, just like they were in the photo. Carrying on with delivering things news in this corporate section, this story where Amazon wants your palm print. James Colley, you have a palm. High five and tell us about this story.

Well, Amazon wants to pay you $10 for your palm print. And if that doesn't send a chill down your spine in general, then at the very least, you need to value yourself more. Because without knowing a single thing about what Amazon wants to do with your palm print, at least let's love ourselves enough to push for $20. It's Amazon. It's the richest man ever.

Just love yourself that extra step for me. Just to be clear, it is not $10. It is $10 in Amazon store credit. Oh! Because I was literally thinking, Just to be clear, it is not $10. It is $10 in Amazon store credit. Because I was literally thinking, Alice, that's kind of a good deal. Like, you know, a man once offered me 20 pounds to have a foot selfie, and I did consider it. So I'm like, I don't know what he's going to do with that after.

I'm going to presume it's for, like, stamp collecting or something like that. You know? Maybe Amazon are palm fetishists. Jeff Bezos has been to space and now he's like, I need more. $10 in Amazon store credit, let us be very, very clear, is not enough to buy back your information. Yeah, absolutely. If anyone was like, hey, can't tell you why I need your fingerprints,

just trust me. it's too suspicious. I would trust them less if they offered me money. What, if they were just like, out of kindness of your heart, Alice? Yeah, if someone was like, hey, can I have your fingerprints for a thing? I'd be like, sure, fine. And if they were like, I'll give you $10, I'd be like, absolutely f***ing not. 100%. And even if it's your part, even if they're like, you you know i look i want to do a palm reading can i

can i have your head for a second like your lifeline is rapidly reducing if you're agreeing to that setup yeah they really are doing the palm readers out of business as well like they're making it into a gig economy where it's like you know instead of crossing their palm with silver for them to read your palm they have to give you a tenner in amazon credit like that's no good deal for palm readers at all so apparently the system here is supposed to be to pay for your item with your palm as well which i imagine like when it's fully in firstly i can do it with my phone which is already in my palm it's actually one step further to have to expose my palm to you but it feels so weird for someone on zoom to say it just takes one step further for me to expose my palm to you like i'm on omegle or something like that like get out your dick

i'm being turbaned out of this i'm sorry i would cover my mouth in shock but unfortunately that would expose my palm I'm a little dirt pig I'm sorry I always bring it to that but I'm now going to stop making eye contact

and let you continue talking I feel I've overstepped the line I think it was the part where I said let me see your dick where've overstepped the line. We're going to skip it. I think it was the part where I said, let me see your dick, where I shouted, that's the line. And I went over it. But it's actually quite a fine tribute to Jeff Bezos'

history. Alice, that's all the time we have for our corporate section, because now it's time for your ads. Your ad section now because if life is an adventure, someone has to sell the souvenir T-shirts and unsolicited Polaroids of your face in an unexpected moment. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by social media. Social media, the not real place that encourages you to go

from sharing your condolences with the mother of a dead stranger to immediately retweeting an hilarious medieval wooden carving of a comical monk with his dick and balls out without noticing the chasm you've created in the fabric of human decency. Social media, get off on it today. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by fresh punctuation tips for the stylish. Grammar doesn't just aid clarity, it also denotes class. That's why there's such a thing as an Oxford comma. But what is your punctuation saying about you? Find out in fresh punctuation tips for the stylish. Available comma now.

a cast powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has the the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com And now it's time for our flora and fauna section.

Succulents are being poached and not in a delicious sauce. Alison Spittel, you have a home garden. Can you tell us about this story? Yeah, so apparently in South Africa, poachers are now trafficking tiny succulent plants, which I think is so, so cute. And basically, police have searched the desert trying to track down the poachers selling now you'll have to help me with my pronunciation here but

confitums i gotta say it's called or confitums that confitums sounds like a a lovely new teddy bear so let's call it confitums sounds like a drug that makes you confident yeah yeah i think they do have that don't they in a plant i think i think it's illegal as well uh um it's threatening to wipe out rare plants in the wild so basically the police are trying to stop people from basically from picking up succulents that they find pretty because it will destroy uh wildlife in other parts of the world which is very very cute yeah i think this is the most adorable kind of poaching and it makes me want to let them off the hook it's not sort of killing an elephant and just taking the tasks it feels much more benevolent than that though

obviously i understand degrading the natural environment is probably way worse than killing an elephant because who needs an elephant um yeah when you compare stuff to killing an elephant it isn't so bad i'm gonna think about that next time i double power have i killed an elephant. Yeah, when you compare stuff to killing an elephant, it isn't so bad. I'm going to think about that next time I double power. Have I killed an elephant and stole his ivory, sir? No. Well, then I'm on these yellow lines. Everything really is a matter of perspective.

Yes. I'm kicking against this. We are dealing with the world's laziest poachers here, you know. It is cowardly to shoot a rhino, but aino can move a rhino has a horn this is a plant and it's not even a cool dangerous plant like a fly trap or a triffid no yeah you're right if it's the triffid it's fair game yeah i want to see big game hunters in africa going after triffids i want to see a trump son kneeling over the dead body of a Triffid that they've had an attendant shoot for them. I want to see a dentist get cancelled for taking a picture near a Triffid.

That's all the time we have for our flora and fauna section now because now it's time for our reviews. Every week our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars. James Colley, what have you brought us in today? This week I thought I would review having a moustache, which has been a new acquisition of mine and one I think it's particularly fun to announce in an audio format because as a listener, didn't it just change your opinion slightly?

You didn't know that was coming. That all those jokes were coming through a moustache. You could hear the slight pop filter that was coming from over my lip. Yeah, it's nature's pop filter. It was actually also part of the motivation behind getting a moustache because I thought in these modern times, what is the most upsetting thing I could reveal while taking off a mask? When you take off a mask and reveal a mustache like the ph level in the room changes

like everything is just a little bit different there it's like a drag queen taking off her wig and then there's a smaller wig underneath and you're like yes queen in many ways isn't a mustache really just the original mask you wore underneath your nose? Exactly. It's why the Groucho Marx mask is the most famous mask. It is a mask that comes with a moustache attached. I thought the other reason I really liked it is that you can't be shy when you have a moustache or someone is calling the federal police, they're kicking down your door and they're searching your hard drive.

You have to be forward, you have to be outgoing. it's a real putting an ultimatum on myself we cannot be shy and hiding anymore you're out here or else so i'd say so far mustache four stars do you know what i would like if i had the ability to wear a mustache is uh the feeling of you know having a soup at 12 o'clock in the day but then getting a gentle reminder of it at 4 p.m. in the afternoon when you need that afternoon kick and you have that sweet center soup coming in to your mouth. It's a flavor saver. It's a little bento box for food particles.

Of course, with the Beyond Blue initiative for men's depression, it's always really nice to see someone who cares about male mental health all year round. Yeah. And it is actually a fun, particularly as it's very new to me, it's a fun surprise anytime I go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. I'm like, oh, oh, wow.

Yeah, okay, that's still on my head. Highly recommend Four Stars. Alison Spittel, what have you got to review? I've reviewed cat sitting, Alice. I've reviewed cat sitting uh alice i've reviewed cat sitting for friends i'm a person that was never i think i've probably said this on a podcast before not into cats generally uh but i've been cat sitting for about four days uh i've gained their trust yesterday and by god it felt earned before i didn't give a shit about cats i thought they were aloof. I thought they were emotionally cold.

But now I realize that I just wasn't putting enough effort into getting to know the cats. And now I feel incredible. I'm giving it three and a half. We'll see how the rest of the week goes on. But at the moment, loving it. I feel like three and a half stars is an appropriate level of ambivalence for a cat.

Like if you gave cats five stars, they wouldn't respect you for that yeah no i'm i'm diane keaton three quarters of the way into baby boom like you know i'm seeing the advantages i'm softening a bit there's going to be a montage of me and the cats uh working together uh to fix something up in the house and then i'll get that man in the end and uh yeah that's that's my that's my plan so the cats are good they've all got different personalities as well one is like a really really scratchy but confident and uh another one is old i would describe that as a personality trait and he looks the wisest as well he's just He just constantly looks like he's sneering.

But yeah, three and a half stars. We'll keep this short. It's no licking batteries. Oh, I bought batteries. I was going to review going to a corner shop, but I feel the cats deserve the actual review. Corner shop, two and a half stars. I feel like you've just been accepted into the click of jerks in high school.

You're like, okay, so at first they were all aloof and if you go individually they're all kind of awful but now that they like me i found out they're actually great that's genuinely it that's it genuinely feels like i've made friends with celebrities do you know what i mean and i'm just happy to be around them i want to get into the corner of their selfies or whatever just go i'm here i'm accepted uh it will go terribly wrong you know i will make a mistake and they will chew on my face and kill me uh but at the moment i'm loving life i think too few tinder bios are honest enough about the fact that the thing that they're attracted to is people who like them it feels needy it's one of my favorite facts in someone's personality that they like me is one of my favourite things about them.

Yeah, it's my number one thing. They have to, you know, if they dislike me, no bueno. Do you know? This is why I got a dog. That's all the time we have for our reviews section, of course, because now it's time for our cryptocurrency section, my favorite of all sections of all time. This is the story of a libertarian Bitcoin economy

in a small New Hampshire town. James Colley, you've got a mustache. Can you explain this story? Damn it. Yeah, so some of the biggest names in crypto have been arrested and not for the crime of boring the absolute life out of me. So you might be wondering what the actual crime is. It apparently seems to be laundering millions of dollars through crypto

so it can be used for illegal activity. And I agree it's outrageous that such activities should be happening outside of a major international bank. This group has set up a libertarian paradise, or as it's known to anyone who isn't a billionaire already, hell, because you never hear about the workers setting up a libertarian paradise, do you? You never hear like a group of people at Amazon being like, we've banded together to demand fewer rights and take away that social safety net.

We want to feel the blood rushing every hour of this 17-hour shift. Yeah, yeah, I'm the maintenance guy in a libertarian paradise. F***. This is a man who decided he wanted to shit on a statue because he can do whatever the f*** he wants. As soon as I can afford clean water, this is going to be an amazing society. The reason they set up this town is,

it seems to be like distinct, like almost activism. They genuinely believe Bitcoin is the next step towards human liberation. And since the energy used to mine Bitcoin is about the same as the nation of Finland, which is somewhat of an intractable problem of Bitcoin. They will be liberating us from pesky things like drinkable water and habitable or arable lands because Mad Max was really the main libertarian paradise of our time.

I just keep having images of a man trying to shit on a statue now. And I'm like, what type of statue is it it's and how did he perch up there i can understand a pigeon but if a man has that sense of balance that he can do that on top of it like a statue i think he deserves to shit on that statue if it's um a libertarian paradise i'm going to assume it is a statue of an anime girl been spending most my life living in a libertarian paradise. This is the new, that's their national anthem.

I'll show you the fountainhead, he says as he unzips his pants. That sounds like a thing out of the book, the Dancy... Dancy Lagarde. Yeah, yeah. You're quoting Dancy Lagarde now. I am.

In other economy news, a man has built a bird feeder that accepts bottle caps as payment for food. And the birds are making great use of it in their own little libertarian paradise. Alison Spittel, you have pigeon nemeses. Can you tell us about this story? I do, I do. Many of them. And I'll get to the pigeons, but can tell us about this story i do i do many of them and i'll get i'll get you the pigeons but let's get to this story first so a man has built a bird feeder right that accepts bottle caps as payment for food and the birds have figured it out like i i've been saying it before and i'll say it again uh birds are cleverer than we let on and ultimately evil and uh i'm afraid

about what our new magpie overlords will do. But they've started to understand about currency. And this man, Hans Forsberg, works with industrial applications of artificial intelligence. And the idea of the bottle cap feeder occurred to him when he noticed a pair of magpies that just decided to reside in his backyard. And he often catches them trying to pick a lock on his outdoor lanterns so he gave him a proper challenge he was like I need to bring commerce into these wild birds lives and yeah they figured out how to get food out by exchanging it it's a for bottle caps so the bottle cap

bird feeder relies on a mechanical design and yeah he'd come up it's it's it's very it's a very he's a very very clever man and uh a clever man with a lot of time on his hands i would say but i'm happy he's done this i i love it i'm thrilled with it because i've always thought birds should get a bloody job like why why should they have to suffer like the rest of us i'm sick of birds strutting about in the street while i'm breaking my back doing 12-hour shifts in the comedy mine. This is for the janitor in our libertarian paradise. Why should the birds get to shit on statues for free

while he's breaking his back? Yeah, someone did break their back trying to shit on a statue. That was a terrible incident. To be fair, so much of scientists who work with animals is very smart people trying to outwit really dumb things and failing. I think you missed the lead on this story, which is that the idea for this bottle cap situation occurred to him when he found the magpies continually trying to pick a lock

on his outdoor lanterns in order to steal the candles inside. This is Prometheus stealing flames for the gods why he has not nailed up one of these birds to a rock to have its liver eaten out by presumably another kind of bird it escapes me he's actually doing the birds a favor there because if birds find out how delicious it is when you cook birds that's the end of birds what do you think that's the only thing keeping them down is that we haven't we haven't taught them the wonders of rotisserie chicken oh yeah i think they presume kfc is made of cow although to be honest if there was meat made of human and people were eating it around me i wouldn't want to know either do you know what i mean and it's funny you should say that because i've burnt

myself before and i think i'm delicious i smell really good is that what you tell people it's like a chat applied like i think i am delicious i reckon i would be if you uncovered the mystery behind soil and green you'd keep it to yourself spittleittle. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Some of these secrets you keep to yourself. I mean, this man has already said too much about the magpies. Like, this man is like... I can only see bad things happening in the future when we have a war against the magpies.

Because magpies are cleverer than pigeons, and people may know that I've had issues with pigeons in the past. Like, there's four nests in my in my uh balconina at this stage it has been fully they've fully taken it and and created families on it and there's nothing i could do about it i don't have the you know i threw water at one and i felt guilty and i just can't they knew it they knew i didn't have it in me to actually cause them pain i understand uh you're suffering alice and i grew up in a buddhist household on the waterfront of sydney harbour and why can't i just murder a

sentient being alice like i feel it would help me a lot in life there is nothing more arrogant than a cockroach that knows you're not going to kill it just have to say that thing has a attitude i've never felt more cooked by an animal in my life. Like, it literally, it felt like the animal was Chad. Do you know what I mean? And I feel like I'd be on Reddit boards about, you know, the virgin Alison Spittel and the Chad pigeon who just goes around muscling. To be fair, all pigeons have a Chad attitude.

But this bird feeder man has missed a trick here because he's just trained all of the neighbourhood birds to bring him bottle caps when he could have been training them to bring him heirloom jewellery. Or maybe there's a competition in his state or something. Like if you get so many bottle caps, you might win a beanie baby. Like this man is investing.

Or he's collecting cool facts from the underside of the bottle cap and soon he'll be the most knowledgeable man on earth. Imagine if that's how you got educated. I got educated at the school of Snapple baby. What's two plus two? I'm still waiting for that

cap but it's coming. Well that's all the time we have for that section because now it is or isn't time for our quantum pullout section. James, in your role as science correspondent, can you explain how Google's quantum computer has now built what is called a time crystal? Yeah, of course. So we know one of the big problems with the modern technological world is that computers have granted us floods of information. problems with the modern technological world is that computers have granted us floods of information it can be incredibly divisive it can lead to hate violence radicalization all of these things which leads us to the obvious question what if we made those computers faster that's

where quantum computing comes in so the basic principle of quantum computing is as we know computers at its core is a collection of ones and zeros so what if each was one and zero at the same time now the downside of this of course is if you look up a cat video the cat will probably die but google has built what is called a time crystal which yes sounds like something the avengers have to destroy before it can rip apart the fabric of our universe but this means you don't have to use energy to change the number from one to a zero or vice versa which breaks the second law of thermodynamics and as we all know breaking laws is cool therefore this is cool now this would also signify the creation of a new state of matter and perhaps even more troubling it would mean the physics degree i

got a decade ago is even more useless than it currently is and i work as a comedy writer full-time so it was already i don't understand half of what you said james but i was very scared you know as soon as i heard energy and matter and crystals i was like blank out just to ask about my going to die it's actually really nice that like science is getting to the real crystal phase because it means that people can now have new age conversations and science conversations at the same time and almost understand each other the crystal phase as well that sounds like a lovely game show yeah or or a sentence that is cited in

divorce papers yes that's a better one i like that one she was going through her blue period he was going through his crystal phase just was never gonna walk out and also it does feel like a crystal phase is what people use to kind of like i feel that like a lot of women get into crystals when like a terrible thing has happened to them and it's like a woman's version of a ferrari you know that type of way where they're like i'm gonna sort out my life of crystals i know guys who fix their lives by getting into crystals and they have 20 of the best awake hours of their lives followed by 40 of the saddest guys who fix their lives by getting into crystals and they have 20 of the best awake hours of their lives followed by 40 of the saddest asleep hours of their lives.

That's all the time we have for our quantum pull out section. Let's flip that back to closed or open or both at the same time without creating or reducing energy. Now it's time for our plague news section. This is a story of chipmunks in areas of South Tahoe, which have been now closed down because of the chipmunks having the plague.

Presumably they'll now be doing anti-lockdown chipmunk demonstrations and we'll have to watch a f***ing cop mace a cute alt-right chipmunk. I'm not sure what that's going to do to my psychology. Alison Spittel, you like cute creatures. Have you been following this plague tale? Yeah, this is not your average Alvin and the Chipmunks the squeakquel tale. This is like starring David Cross, do you remember that?

So officials are closed in some areas in the south shore of Lake Tahoe after some chipmunks tested positive for plague. Like, plague. Number one, how did they test these chipmunks? Like, do you have a swab small enough? Like, what was the testing for them? According to El Dorado County Public Health,

plague is naturally present in some areas of California. Like grapes or something like that. It's crazy. People hiking and doing other outdoor activities should avoid contact with animals with the plague and they should do the same for their pets. So it's good that they're getting that information. I didn't know that plague was an actual disease. I thought it was like a category of disease.

But it's an infectious bacterial disease that tends to be spread by chipmunks, other wild rodents, and their fleas. And for humans, symptoms can show up within two weeks of exposure. And they include fever, nausea, weakness, and swollen lymph nodes, which, you know, you don't want to have. Then it ends the whole article going,

if caught early, it can be treated with antibiotics, which is, they're hiding the happy the happiness the happy end story there at the end but uh yeah you hear a plague i'm like that sounds scary but then i hear antibiotics and i'm like ah that's fine you know which is the great thing about current sort of anti-vax uh discussion is that people say well it's it's not the plague and you're like well the plague is actually really easily cured right now. So your chances of dying from the plague are actually way less than your chances of dying from COVID right now. I've exposed myself to antibiotics for a holiday romance.

Like, you know, this is nothing, you know? And Michael was worth it. It's cool. So get touching some chipmunks. I'm fine with if you solve it with antibiotics. I actually found this depressing because at least with our current plague, like if it did come from

pangolins, at least the pangolin has the decency to look like shy and apologetic at all times about unleashing a plague, whereas chipmunks have big puffy cheeks and they just look like they have the good sense to hold their breath while the rest of us succumb to an airborne disease and you can't be mad at a chipmunk i mean you know david cross tried it in chipmunks the squeakle when they crashed his car and still

you know he was like i love you guys at the end so it's beautiful i also did love what you mentioned about um hikers being advised not to approach wild animals because they might have the plague that should be about fourth on the list of why you shouldn't approach a wild animal if you're on a hike perhaps because it's a wild animal and you don't live in a Disney film

it's not your friend I would love to watch that Disney film though like Snow White and the Seven Plagues and it would just be her exposing her house to lots of different plagues, beautiful sleepy, sneezy what else do you get with COVID? Boils

non-tasty, dark buboes that's all the time we have for today's edition of the magazine now it's time for our classifieds and ads at the end of the episode. Having recently purged yourselves of stress via a cleanse, a retreat, a spa, massage, yoga, some bellinis, a mindfulness course, a series of daily affirmations and a comfortable bank balance provided by your parents,

you might be forgiven for thinking, I'm rich, I'm beautiful, I'm pampered, but I'm still tense. Why? Try heading to the Bugle podcast website and buying our merch. It's possible that money is the root of your problems and getting rid of some of it might help. If you don't have money, just drink half a glass of water and enjoy yourself thinking that it's our merch.

Unlicensed merch. That's so lovely that you've made water into merch. Truly, I will be the king of water in the Mad Max post-universe. This is me just getting an early in in the water wars. You're getting brand recognition. It's called the gargle for a reason. It is, actually. James Cooley, have you got anything to plug?

When I'm gone here, I always love to plug a quantum of science, which is an Instagram page that I only ever talk about on the gargle and it is a collection of what I feel are the silliest science headlines that I come across so check that out please It's all part of our process of grooming you to become part of the bugle stable with your own little science podcast

Alison Spittel, what have you got to plug? I've got an Irish tour coming up in October and going to Scotland and Wales in October. If you go to my website, alisonspittle.com, you will find that it hasn't been updated in years, but maybe this will make me updated now today. If I've told you that there is going to be information

on the gigs I'm doing, maybe finally I'll put it up there. I've done this on three other podcasts and it hasn't pushed me on, but I feel like the gargle deserves it so we're very motivating so yeah

that's about it I'm at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram that's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E follow me there even if you don't usually go on those websites

because those numbers count even though they probably shouldn't people pay attention to that shit also patreon.com slash Alice Fraser for one stop shop

for all of my blogs, specials, stand-up stuff, upcoming gigs and my weekly Tea with Alice salons and writers meetings. So that's patreon.com slash alicefraser. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is

Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.