The Gargle - Elderly Japan | Peletons | Kanye school

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Alison Spittle and debutant Andrew O'Neill join host Alice Fraser for episode 80 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics! Japan feels its age Peletons for sale Kanye's new school Uber hacked ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from the Bugle. A battered old space hopper descends onto a backwater planet of the Galactic Federation in the year 4235. The old ship won't make another flight and even this landing is fraught with danger as warning lights flash and radiation shields rattle. It comes into the port. Only one being on this planet knows the importance of the news the old ship carries with it, but if that news does not reach them, the Federation will fall. The sights and sounds and colours of this den of pirates, hookers, musicians and other unsavoury

types is an assault on all your senses as you walk through crooked streets towards the pre-arranged meeting point. A kaleidoscope of characters from a hundred different alien races, all spaced out of their minds on drugs beyond human comprehension, nod their heads in time with the music you can't hear as you stumble into the bar where you're supposed to meet your contact. The last of the hybrids. Once so important in exploring the galaxy and paving the way for the Federation. The hybrid sees you before you see them,

and it can see the news you carry in your eyes before you say a word. You take a deep breath and speak. This is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper of the visual world. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Alison Spittel and Andrew O'Neill. Welcome. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Hello. Very, very excited to be here.

Which of you is the hybrid in this scenario, by the way? I've got a contraceptive bar in me, so technically I'm a hybrid. I was once very heavily pierced and now I'm not. Oh, very nice. I say heavily, like on my face and that. Just one kettlebell through the nose. Through the head, from side to side, through the ears, yeah. Well, we're going to take hands and leap together into this week's news stories.

But first, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover of this week is The Q, capital T, capital Q, queuing in the capital to celebrate a capital lady, the Queen, capital T, capital Q. Myths circulate wildly about the Q. So then on the front cover of the magazine, we have some headlines about the Q. Do the first 10 people to die in the Q get buried with the Queen? Question mark.

If you sprinkle chili powder across the Q, do they lose their way and not be able to find their way back to the nest? You can see the Q from space if you have a good enough telescope. The queue can see space if they look up and someone switches off the London Eye. The queue is about the journey, not the destination. The destination of the queue is a metaphor. The destination of the queue is death. All queues lead to death. All roads lead to Rome. Rome wasn't built in a day. The queue wasn't built in a week. The queue is peopled by the strong. David Beckham was in the queue and a lot of people are saying,

ah, he's just like us, and I cannot believe that it took him being in a queue to realise that he was just like us. I saw the queue in real life, like from a train in Blackfriars. Not from space? No, no, no, no. My boyfriend wouldn't let me leave the train to go look at the queue. And he said, that's not the point of this whole endeavor. And I was like, I just want to see the queue.

You can't look at the queue. You're either in the queue or you're not allowed to engage with the queue, I feel. It's like a harem. The queue is like the harem. You can either be in it or not look at it. Those are the options. Yeah, I found it like uh disturbing uh but also like that did you see that couple that met in the queue that is kind of cute there are two people that

have bonded over their love of the queen and uh misery and pain and uh they're gonna watch the they're gonna watch the funeral together and, it felt like I was watching the end of Take Me Out, where you just see two very English people in a grim location, like Fernando's was, and this is the cue. And it's the most heterosexual thing I've ever seen in my life. And it's great. I mean, normally you have to go onto an app or a website in order to find another delusional masochist.

You need to type that into your bio. It's a Richard Curtis film, straight away. It doesn't even need writing. No, no. your bio but it's a richard curtis film straight away it doesn't even need writing no no yeah and it's just white people so it's an incredible very white very very white the satirical cartoon this week is the cube which has stepped out past the front page and has covered the first 10 pages of the magazine in other sort of tangential news that we're not going to cover in the magazine, did you know that rates of syphilis have surged 26% between 2020 and 2021, proving that vaccines aren't all they were cracked up to be?

Sure, it protects you against COVID, but if you're like f***ing around, you've got to use other forms of protection. Is this to do with the queue or not? Sorry, Anne. This is and isn't to do with the queue. OK, right, cool. Scientists have calculated that there are 20 quadrillion ants on the planet. That's 20,000

trillion individual ants in case that helps your nightmares later. The scientists, while telling us that there are 20 quadrillion ants, have also told us that maybe there are too few ants. Whoa. Too few ants for what, though? What's their scenario that's too few for?

A catastrophic insect die-off is what they're worried about. Oh, crap, OK. At the same time, as the head scientist, the lead scientist, said this is unimaginably many ants. This is the man whose job it is to imagine how many ants there are, has said officially unimaginably too many ants. Two things here. First of all, I'm not entirely happy with the scientist imagining how many ants there are has said officially, unimaginably, too many ants. Two things here. First of all, I'm not entirely happy with the scientist

imagining how many ants there are. I think I want more rigour in this process. And secondly, do you think the ants know how many of us there are? That's true. Do they quantify us? And are there too few of us, according to the ants, because of their plans for us? Well, speaking of how many of us there are,

this brings us to our top story this week, which is population news in Japan. Apparently now Japan has 20 million people who are over 75. Alison Spittel, you're feeling the cold hand of ageing. Can you tell us your story for us? So Japan is a country that has an aging population less people are getting married and producing babies uh which

for me is it's very interesting because i like i don't know like in in japan there's definitely alternative relationships that people have i've seen a a man get married to his own mouse pad. So for me, this is a new story that was always going to come to fruition. I love it in a way because one of the most popular TV shows in Japan is Old Enough, which is a TV show. It's an incredible show on Netflix. You can watch it where a child gets to do an errand

and cameras follow them. And Old Enough is one of Japan's biggest TV shows and it's also now the country's reason for its economy being destroyed and I think it's a beautiful full circle moment. It's children doing an errand to prove that they're now old enough

to be respected. They're coming of age but the age is four or whatever. Yeah, that's it that's it they can buy like a shoe or something like that so it's really genuinely whenever you can i just say unless you unless you don't have two legs buying a shoe is the wrong quite literally baby steps yeah but then yeah it's a they have the oldest they have the world's oldest man he's 112 it's a country that's had quite a lot of old people anyway and and this is just a a new story with statistics so i'm excited i know it seems like a bad news story but

i love old people so i'm excited for japan i know it's going to cripple their economy and stuff but like uh you know i want wisdom do you know what i mean well i mean this is the thing right this is one of those stories that has been coming for a long time very slowly uh ironically like uh such a high proportion of japan's population um but uh it is one of those news stories which is is sort of not news except now they have tipped over that mysterious number which means that if you're in Japan I would be investing in old people's homes. Andrew O'Neill

what do you feel about this? I think the Japanese suit being old very well. I've seen Tokyo Story, I've seen when I was a child I was obsessed with Pat Morita who played Mr Miyagi that was my first. I was obsessed with Pat Morita, who played Mr Miyagi. You know, that was my first.

I think they look good as old people. So if anyone is going to be the first ageing population, I say congratulations to the Japanese. Well done. You know, had it been us or the Germans, you know, sort of flabby North European, Western, you know, sort of flabby, North European, Western, you know, that's awful. I think, fair play to the Japanese.

If we can get some ants together to train them in, you know, sort of elder care and that sort of thing, then, you know, I say well done. And they, you know, the cliche, you know, as Alison said,

the cliché is that the Japanese are wise already. I mean, Japanese children look wise to my prejudiced, uneducated European eyes. I think it's great. I think also it suggests that Japan's going to be empty quite soon. Yes. Very picturesque. And what a playground, I mean, exactly, what better post-apocalyptic playground than Tokyo?

So this is, I think this is excellent news. The Japanese will die off naturally, leaving behind their picturesque future apocalypse hellscape. Congratulations. Well, it's sort of also one of those stories where you half feel sorry for them, but also there are deep, deep cultural prejudice reasons why this situation has taken place.

Number one being the prejudice against married women remaining in the workforce. So if you want to have a career, you can't also get married and have children. And then also incredible xenophobia, which means that they can't repopulate by immigration as so many other countries are doing. So on one hand, it's a sad thing to be facing,

the possible decline of your national spirit and also sucks to be you. Maybe we should get helicopters. 10, 20 years time, you know, when they're really dying out. Just fly across the major cities to share. And you've only got yourselves to blame.

The megaphone. You know, that would be an enjoyable activity. I was looking at this news story and I was thinking like, how did they know what the tipping point was? Did someone just step outside and smell a load of Murray Mints and go, Christ, the population has got too old? What was the amazing tipping point?

Because it has been coming a while. I wonder what the Japanese old person boiled sweet of choice is. Is it the Murray Mint, the Werther's? Is there a Japanese equivalent to the Werther's original? And as you suggested, should we invest heavily in that? I think it's the pickled plum. I think it's the ume. Is that right?

I had a pickled plum, but I went to the doctor and he gave me a cream for it. Sorry, that was my 1970s comedy podcast. I do apologise. Have you tasted... There's nothing I can say now that's not going to sound like a double entendre. Have you tasted pickled plum? We're running out of time for this story.

Ironically, this story has reached its tipping point and now it's time for our ads. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. Are you finding it difficult to process the grim realities of life and death? The age of empires ending,

the beginning of a new grimmer era, counterpoint to cultural narratives about forward progress through history. Are you full of angst about the uncontrollability of the numinous? Try the Q. Yeah, it's still going. It's still here.

It's gone all the way through the magazine and it's appeared in the ad section. Is your floor lava? Do you have to make your way precariously from sofa to chair in order to get to the toilet without stepping in the lava? Try cooling the lava by pouring in an ocean, as represented in this imaginary scenario by half a glass of water. Half a glass of water, the only cure for your floor being lava.

Terms and conditions apply. This doesn't work if the floor is actually lava. Do not use more than half a glass of water or your mum will be upset. Please avoid if you have an expensive carpet. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by The Book. The Book. A pamphlet with ambitions. Ha!

Ha! ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has...

Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships houses divided corporate rivalry and a performance enhancing broom it was a year i'd like to forget broom gate available now a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Now it's time for exercise news. This is the news that people who invested heavily across the population in Peloton are now trying to on sale their Pelotons, which they are no longer using. As we all know, the Peloton is

the human embodiment of the New Year's resolution. And by human, I mean, the exercise bike embodiment of the New Year's resolution. I think people really leapt into it when they couldn't go anywhere. And now they can go places they don't want a bike that won't go anywhere. Andrew O'Neill, you're a bikist. Yeah. Can you unpack this story for us? So basically people wanted to show off, you know, buying a status symbol that essentially only they're going to see.

So something that they're investing a ton of money, way, way more money than you need to. Cheap exercise bikes are available. And the thing that has always struck me about the exercise bike compared to any of the other simulated exercises just just get a bike if you spend that much you're spending what is it like three grand or something that's you can get really you can in fact you can get bikes for your whole street and then you can have a mini tour de france i could i could understand maybe simulating skiing or scuba diving.

So I have very little sympathy for these people. Very, very little sympathy. But I mean, can you get a normal bike that screams at you? That's the real question. Can you get a normal bike that abuses you for being too fat? Just put a playing card in the back wheel

and then, you know, it sounds like a motorbike. Oh yeah, I've put a playing card in the back wheel and I'm like, fat bitch! Exactly right. Not going faster. You can just imagine it. So, you know, the human pattern recognition will do it. People are saying that they're using them as clothes horses.

They've just become expensive, expensive clothes horses. Why not get a real horse? Get a real horse. I mean, due to an eBay error, I once bought a horse made entirely out of clothes. I mean, a real horse will dry your clothes as well as a clothes horse. You just peg your shirt to a horse and slap it on the arse and when it comes back, your shirt is dry.

You could also actually buy a horse for the price of a peloton. True. And if it's Mr Ed, you can train it to call you a fat bitch. Exactly. Apparently the thing with the peloton that puts people off is it's they've got clipless pedals so you need to

clip into the exercise bike so you need to buy specialist shoes that cost a certain amount to clip into the exercise bike to do the I mean these they transfer very little extra energy on normal bikes anyway. Basically, I've got absolutely zero sympathy for these people.

And once we've finished telling off Japan for it being their own fault, I'll use that helicopter and go to the home of everybody who can't sell a Peloton and just go, you've only got yourself to blame. Now, this is the thing. Everyone who's bought a Peloton has waxed lyrical to me about, and this is why I was talking about it, the levels of abuse that you can uh acquire so you don't have to have someone who shouts at you angrily you can have someone who's like benevolently encouraging and so basically the selling point of this bike is that there's a slider for how uh how much

sadomasochism you want in your exercise program you can have a a nice trainer or a nasty trainer or these kind of and presumably a range of saddles. Yes, presumably a range of increasingly pointy and uncomfortable saddles. Yeah, OK. But again, I just feel like, don't you have an internal monologue? Can't you tell yourself that you're a piece of shit? Or parents. You know?

That you can ring... That seems like the obvious solution, just ring parents or a friend, you know. I'm always scared of it for my health because I've watched And Just Like That, which is the Sex and the City sequel, and they killed Mr. Big with a Peloton. I know he was smoking. They just dropped it on his head. It was funny to me because he was smoking a cigar

and then doing the Peloton and had a heart attack. And for me, I associated the Peloton with his death and not the cigar. I was like, well, this is obviously a very dangerous piece of equipment and I'll never use it. It's scary. And then they had an advertisement campaign with the actor from that and then he got Me Too two days later.

It's not been Peloton's year. They've had a bad financial year. He's the same actor yeah he ruined the peloton industry to go no no honestly it's for i'm still is that the idea they're proving that the actor's still alive yeah and then they had to do an advert a week later saying that peloton doesn't cause you to sexually assault people and the actor had to go no no it wasn't that's not the fault of peloton i am a broken man that's all the time we have for our exercise news we're all tuck it out because now it's time for

your reviews your reviews section now as you know each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars alisonittel, what have you brought in for us this week? I'm reviewing asking people for recommendations for podcasts on Twitter. I did it yesterday and I said specifically no murders and no comedians. And people still suggested stuff of murder and comedians in it. Because I've got a lot of ptsd from uh comedians so i don't want to listen to that at first it was very helpful but then it became overwhelming and also people kept recommending maintenance phase to me which is an amazing podcast about

diet culture and i'm like i am a fat woman of course i've listened to maintenance phase. It's like recommending the news to someone. Have you tried listening to the news? But yeah, I'm going to give it a 2.5 out of 5 because I brought it on myself. It was very helpful. People are great. But it has become overwhelming. So I'm taking 2.5 off.

That's an excellent thing. Did you get any good recommendations? I'm taking 2.5 off. That's an excellent thing. Did you get any good recommendations? I'm now using you to filter. You're wrong about, which I listened to already. Do you know what? It's been so vast. The people that recommend their own podcasts, they're a special type of person.

Oh, my God. If you like Wow and Gasp moment, I've really been enjoying Life Ch by jane garvey so i'll probably give that a listen yeah there's been there's absolutely been loads i think several you're wrong abouts which uh like i'm a patron of you're wrong about but yeah there's quite a lot of replies that reminds me for whatever reason of when i was i was being about 14 and was like just desperately repressed and i told my brother's friend that I just wanted to make out with someone. And my brother's friend said, I'll make out with you.

And even though I wanted to make out with him, I was like, oh, no, that doesn't sound like a good idea. And then I had to face the reality that the problem was me. It was me and my internal issues. Andrew, what have you brought in for us to review? I've reviewed my cat. Eight-year-old, short-haired, tuxedo cat in a classic monochrome, 80% black, 20% white, pleasingly asymmetric face, looks modern and distinctive,

a satisfying heft while maintaining a structural integrity, increasingly friendly, lap time continues to increase year on year recharge time remains something of a problem often requiring most of the day predatory skills unparalleled with the very latest auditory and ocular system evolution has to offer overall solid workmanship excellent shape 100 furry uh when he's got his eyes closed. I'll give him a solid five out of five. Oh, five out of five for the cat. Education news now, and this is the news that Kanye West has a mysterious new private school.

Now, I'm always wary about Kanye West's stories because I do not want to tip into making fun of somebody's mental illness just because they happen to be a billionaire. So, Alison Spittel, you've been to to school can you unpack this story for us yes so I am a massive massive Kanye West fan so anytime a story comes up for him I'm very very torn but like I think this is kind of like a fun story he's creating a school an academy it will have all the subjects of maths and languages and and stuff but it also has instead of PE he's teaching parkour which is imagine being a kid being taught parkour that's amazing there's choir as well and the choir Academy has like an element of like if you're if you're a kid and you

want to be in the music industry, he'll help you with connections. One of the great details slash horrible details though about the story is that a dude came in from a basketball team to teach the kids how to play basketball. And three of the children gave him their autograph because they said that they'll be famous in a couple of years. him their autograph because they said that they'll be famous in a couple of years so it's the donda academy which is named after his mother yeah it's i'm very afraid for kanye

though i mean like his brand is his life you know he has he's he's and he's he's this thing with gap a school that's gonna be hard for your brand i know this because I went to Catholic school and I can tell you like you know with a school you've got a danger of you've got a danger of kids being messed up basically I know because I've been to a Catholic school and it destroys the brand

it destroys the brand so yeah I wonder though when he does his exams right instead of saying pencils down does he go, I'm going to let you finish, but Beyonce had the best exam of all time. For me, that would be the greatest ending. I mean, one of the problems is, of course, that some people who visited the school call the attendees parishioners,

which I feel is always a little bit of a red flag when you have a school that defines its students as worshipful. Andrew O'Neill, you've joined a cult. Can you unpack this story for us? It's 100% red flag cult. I was reading the story, the alarms were going off. There are a few details in this that I found quite interesting. The first is that students' daily schedule includes full school worship. I know. Which is presumably bowing to the building

and full, full school worship. The parkour thing slightly strikes me as a kind of recipe for a Great Escape style narrative in which after lunchtime, all of the students have gone.

They need really extra high walls. Unless they think they're going to be famous for being there, in which case they'll stay. And the spokesperson said, I want to be emphatic that there's never been a time that Kanye West did not want to do this. Right. Which is a very, very bold statement statement presumably including the early bronze age you know

including Kanye West's pre-verbal era between the age of zero and two absolutely I mean you think if if there's never surely this should have been the first thing has Kanye's entire career been building up to I just want to get famous enough to starting a school all of his albums are named after education his first album was college dropout and then he got late registration and graduation and stuff so like he has been obsessed with education but he's been saying that education is terrible uh as a you know he said that it never kind of suited him so i don't know if what i want from my uh principal is someone who doesn't really believe in education to be to be uh doing a school but uh yeah in the age of the disruptor uh alison spittle in the age

of the people revising your very concepts of what education will be sure some schools teach you to read and write and other schools teach you full school worship and parkour and what is going to be more useful in the post-apocalyptic era i ask you i'm just saying there's there was also definitely a hint in this article that this school doesn't exist because they couldn't find anyone from the school to interview so that's, so maybe that's his plan. He's so fundamentally against education, he's going to flood America with schools that don't exist. It does sort of smack a little bit of, like,

entrepreneurial, big-up talking-ness, you know, where they say, we've got a business and they don't have a business. One of the scenes in which they discuss is that they saw a picture of children in an empty warehouse eating lunch and you think okay does this school exist or is this just a photo opportunity that is sort of pre-empting investment into this concept of a school and then you pivot and pivot and pivot until eventually what you have is a farm you know do you think kanye just doesn't like school at once in ireland we call it

mitching i don't know what you call it in the uk to to bunking off yeah yeah yeah do you think he's just doing an industrial bunking off kind of session because when i used to bunk off or mitch from school i used to end up in a warehouse eating my packed lunch. You know, it was always a grim time. I never bunked off to go to the cinema. It was always like spending eight hours in some industrial estate hiding from teachers. I'll tell you, I used to go across. I used to go to Sydney Girls High School in Sydney and I would go across to Fox Studios where they had a bookshop

and I would read books all day. Biggest nerd you could possibly imagine. I'm going to do me some learning. Your way of rebellion was more learning. I love this. What I love from a school as well is a strong NDA agreement. That's no red flags at all, but they insist that the children and the parents do an NDA.

It can only end well. That's parents do an NDA it can only end well that's all I'm saying it can only end well when you go to a job interview after finishing school and they say what did you learn at school and you say I can't tell you that's all the time we have for Kanye news because now it's time for our Uber hack news uh this is the news that uh Uber the rideshare giant slash ethically dubious company, has slowly been revealing how badly it was hacked. It began by revealing that it had a quote unquote cyber security incident. And now basically an 18 year old hacker has come out and just posted screenshots of essentially

rampaging through the backwoods of the behind-the-scenes uberness and just posting screenshots of going on a bit of a rampage. Andrew O'Neill, you look like you know hackers. Can you unpack this story? Yeah, they're always 18, aren't they? They're always really young, which is great. I mean, that's, you know, that's, I mean, I'll tell you what, you don't get any hackers in Japan anymore.

That's for sure. That's the thing. I mean, 18 is the perfect age for a hacker because it's when you have skills but no ethics yet. Yeah, and no friends. No friends. It's very much a basement dwelling kind of an activity. And no one will make out with you,

and if they would, you wouldn't make out with them even if you wanted to. Alice, I just want to hug the teenage you. No, she won't hug you back. We've been over this. My brain immediately goes to, rather than accessing the account details of customers

or things like that, just can you control the cars? Can you make them all go to the same place? Can you hack into the sat-nav and just make every Uber in the world drive to Bromley? I mean, all roads definitely lead to Bromley. Oh roads lead to bromley yeah i mean i'm fully excited by the idea of just of just congregating every uber in one place like the queue if i was to hack i'd love to find out why i got less than a five star off a taxi driver i've been nothing but polite every time, but I do not have a perfect

five star rating. And I just want to know when it was. So you can find them, track them down. Yeah, and then I don't know, beg them? Would that give me more stars? What could I do? I'm a people pleaser.

I really like the idea of a lifelong vendetta against someone that finally, when you finally track them down, you just go on a total charm offensive, like giving them bottles of water, helping them with their cases. The thing that I find interesting about this is the hack, which was done by sending multi-factor authentication

login notifications to one employee just repeatedly for an hour, just like, hey, log in, log in, log in, log in, and then contacting them on what's happened, saying, you've got to log in, man, you've got to log in, which apparently none of us can resist multi-factor authentication login notifications. I mean, no one can resist torture for more than, say, two days, but no one can resist multi-factor authentication login notifications for more than about 45 minutes, let's be honest.

I think that's how some men seduce people, isn't it? Please, please. Log in? Yeah. Log in? Hacking is often like magic tricks. When you find out how a magic trick is done, it's incredibly disappointing. You find out how hacking is often like magic tricks when you find out how a magic trick is done it's incredibly disappointing you find out how hacking is done

did they build this incredible program and was it this kind of no they just were like can you let me in can you let me in can you let me in can you let me in it's very disappointing

yeah exactly you look at all the movie depictions of hacking and it's like streams of code and like four screens and they're typing typing typing typing typing while making sassy quips and the four screens and they're typing typing typing typing typing typing typing while making sassy quips and the reason they can make

sassy quips while typing is because all they're typing is log in hello it's yeah it's very similar hacking is very similar to magic it's in a way if a man comes up to you in a smoking area and says I'm a magician or I'm a hacker,

you would get onto Uber straight away and go home. That's all the time we have for our Uber stories. And that's all the time we have for the show. We've reached the end of the magazine. I'm flipping through the ad sections at the back. Ooh, a perfume ad. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug? Oh, I'm going to plug Wet.

It's going to be on a tour soon. I'm just organising the dates and all that stuff. But look on my Instagram, Alison Spittel, or Twitter, and it'll come up. I'm also doing a gig on the 5th of November in Dublin. It's going to be Wet, and the show is called Wet as well. So please come to that. Andrew and Neil, have you got anything to plug

yeah i've got all social media stuff and also come to my patreon uh patreon.com slash andrew o'neill and there's loads of videos and sketches and songs and and essays and there's i'm starting to do an entire novel um about a a detective who not only doesn't play by the rules but breaks every rule that he finds, called Inspector Bastard. Excellent. That sounds delightful. Also, you've got a radio show that is now probably out on the app. That's very true.

Damned Andrew is out on BBC Sounds, Radio 4. It's a four-part sitcom and I'm very proud of it. Yeah, it's excellent. No roving reporters this week, but if you would like to send in a story to at HelloGogglers on Twitter, you could become one of our roving reporters and get credited in this section of the magazine. I'm Alice Fraser.

You can find me online at at alliterative, A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E, on Twitter and Instagram, or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. It's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs, including Kronos, which I've just filmed and will be coming out in a couple of weeks. And we'll be going out to my Patreons first. I also do a weekly Tea with Alice salon where we sit in a Zoom room and have a chat. It's a lot like this, but there's less script. This is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production.

Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.