The Gargle - Elvis weddings | Penis pendant | Ryanair quiz

Episode Date: June 9, 2022

Nabil Abdulrashid and Neil Delamere join host Alice Fraser for episode 65 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics! Elvis leaves the chapel  Ancient penis pendant Ryanair country quiz France bans English jargon Chimp fake death ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. voyages. Now the wind howls and the waves break against the prow of your own ship as you hurl yourself into the unknown, fueled only by your hunger for revenge. Reason, like your crew, has abandoned you. Captain Ahab seems calm and absent-minded by comparison. You spent all your money on old maps, not even treasure maps, just maps of places, and toilet paper, which is a waste because your ship's toilet apparently doesn't take toilet paper, which is gross. Your voyage is unending. You're ranting in couplets at whoever will listen on the way to a wedding, and then you see it, the source of the legend,

insatiable in its hunger for ships. It's not a triangle after all. It's not even aliens. It's the gargle. The sonic, glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World. This is the gargle, the only podcast that eats ships like chips and then burps and asks for more ships. All the news, none of the politics.

I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week, Neil and Nabil, welcome. Hi, good to be here. I didn't realise you were going to go with a nautical theme, but I appear to have dressed perfectly adequately for us. You have. You've got a sideways stripy shirt for our listeners who are not watching in the audio world.

I'm actually on a ship. Well, a boat. It's a boat. At what point does a boat transition into a ship? It has to have a flag. It has to have a flag. Interesting. This is a kayak with a flag. I don't think. Oh, yeah, it has to be hoistable. I get. OK. That makes sense. If it's a hoistable flag, hoistable, I get. Okay, that makes sense. If it's a hoistable flag, if any garglers have any more knowledge about what it takes for a boat to be promoted to a ship, please tweet us at HelloGarglers on Twitter. In just a minute, we're going to sit together quietly in the

waiting room that is this week's stories. But first, let's have a look at the front page. The front page this week of the magazine is a picture of the Queen looking longingly off into the distance, a place where nobody's running motorised corgi robots around the streets because you said you liked them once. The Jubilee is just the weirdest stalker you ever had. Imagine we all celebrated the anniversary of us getting a job with this level of intensity.

What would they be sending motorized through the streets for you neil oh god the first uh i my first ever job was uh a software engineer so what would they do just but it was a long time ago so just floppy disks on tiny casters i suppose nabil i was a nightclub bouncer man that was my first proper job like i was while i was at college everyone else was working at blockbuster video but i thought no I want to grapple with drunks on the weekend so I reckon we'd have like really angry people with inadequate footwear um the drug people that don't realize they're drunk just walking outside my window swearing at me um not too different from living in South London, to be honest.

So I reckon, yeah, I already have my jubilee. You sound like the politest bouncer I've ever encountered. That footwear is frankly inadequate. See, I absolutely agree with you, Nabil. I go, you know, obviously go home late at night from these gigs and I see these ladies in, and it's not slut shaming. I just think they're not wearing enough clothes. Like particularly if it's winter, it's like 4% clothes, 96% goosebumps. And I just think print out a nude selfie and staple it to a warm jumper

and then we'll all be happy. I just want to know how they avoid frostbite at this point because that's what they're playing with. I don't know what it is they do. Have they discovered some new form of tantric self-warming? I mean, there's a cost of living crisis here. They need to let all of us know the secret. What kind of meditation are you doing to generate that much heat?

Cast your mind back, though. I know these are sensible things, but when we were 20 none of us thought like this nobody looked at somebody scantily clad of the sex that you were attracted to and went do you know something my main concern there is the ratio of goose pump to warmth covered flesh we were raging hormones yeah yeah we're not going oh are are they doing the Wim Hof breathing method to get through the cold? I bet their lungs are toasty. The satirical

cartoon this week is a picture of a Tory in a psychiatrist's office. His head is in his hands. His speech bubble is going, I just don't know. And the psychiatrist's speech bubble is saying, what does confidence mean to you? And now it's time for our top stories. Wedding news up first. The king is dead and so is the Elvis-officiated wedding.

The licensing company that controls the Elvis Presley name and image have sent out cease and desist letters across Vegas calling for a halt to now what we now know are illegal Elvis-themed weddings. For those who are looking to make a terrible mistake or a great decision, this is really bad news. Although I guess Winnie the Pooh has now entered the public domain, so maybe there's a niche in the market. Nabil, can you unpack this Elvis-themed story?

I mean, there's so many angles. Of all the immoral stuff people have used this likeness for, I don't understand why people are so upset. But I am getting people married. That's an amazing thing. And also, you know, a lot of people want, like, they're still huge fans for the life of me. I don't know why.

But there are still huge fans of Elvis who want to do this. And, you know, one bride was really upset. She had a nervous breakdown because of this, you know, news. Apparently, she was all shook up. Boo! Boo, I boo you like Boris Johnson going up the steps of the Queen's Jubilee. I'm sorry, I had to. You did have to.

I mean, come on now. With all the stuff we've seen people do with his likeness, this is what you're clamping down on? Really? Like, does anybody remember the old Eminem videos? Does anybody remember, you know, the episodes of The Simpsons, Family Guy? It's weddings you have smoke for. I think priorities are a strange thing.

Maybe I'm getting old old i don't know um you know i i see the price of uh blue suede shoes dropping i don't know man i just sorry i did it again did it again it's elvis man he's that's what he exists for cheesy humor are you podcasting from heartbreak hotel is that where we're doing this why is it always marriage with elvis presley this is what i want to know and people who Are you podcasting from Heartbreak Hotel? Is that where we're doing this from? Why is it always marriage with Elvis Presley? This is what I want to know on people who are dressed up as Elvis Presley. It is the only sacrament that they go for. You never see somebody dressed as Elvis down the hospice,

giving last rites to anybody, or hearing a confession, or sacrament of the sick. They only want the glamorous ones. That's my issue with this. and my other issue with this is there must be a point if you're in las vegas right and you're an elvis impersonator and you don't get a letter like that's a real insult shirley isn't it oh yeah oh yes like like like there must be one sweater going did you get a letter barry yeah yeah you you got a letter you got a letter as well. They just don't think I look like Elvis, isn't it?

That's what it is, isn't it? And they're trying to console the dude. No, Kevin, I mean, traditionally he's had the two eyes, but I mean, from a certain angle, I think you look fine. They've got something against the other people. No, it could just be as straightforward as anti-ginger bias. We don't know what the reason is, Kevin. We don't know the reason.

I'm stuck on the image of an Elvis sitting, like an old, like a late stage Elvis sitting on a toilet eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and like baptizing a baby with a water gun. Yeah. Somebody just holds up a baby from a distance and he gives the full pump action job yeah what i really want to see is um you know elvis themed exorcisms should i mean like ladies and gentlemen satan has left the building you know i mean be creative with you're right why just marriages man why just marriages well i mean does this have anything to do with the new Elvis movie coming out? Do you think that's what it is?

Ooh, Baz Luhrmann's one. Oh, wow. Yeah, I mean, that would have surely caused a big boom in business. Such terrible timing for an Elvis impersonator. Who are you going to move to next? James Brown? Maybe not a good idea. I'm sort of interested by this Elvis situation because he was not a very longly married man.

Like he wasn't known for marital fidelity. So it doesn't seem like, you know, an auspicious beginning to a match. Or is that why you're doing it? Like, are you going to an Elvis chapel for your marriage because you know in your heart of hearts that it's sort of a, it's a practice wedding? Well, if you're going to an Elvis chapel for your marriage because you know in your heart of hearts that it's sort of a it's a practice wedding

well if you're going to do that why don't you go the whole hog and I would have like Henry VIII conduct my wedding I mean what a stark message you sent to your spouse you sat there with your new wife going well listen you better keep yourself in line or you don't want it to happen.

Prenup sign. Do you reckon in the future it'll be like Will Smith and Jada weddings? Because, I mean... I mean, that's true. That's very true. It's okay for you to say that. You were a former bouncer. I reckon Will Smith could take me,

so I'm saying nothing on that. Well, that's all the time we have for our wedding news because now it's time for your ads. you were a former bouncer. I reckon Will Smith could take me, so I'm saying nothing on that. Well, that's all the time we have for our wedding news because now it's time for your ads. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. You love a horse, but it's too noble, too fine, too well-bred, too unwilling to leave you in the middle of the desert to die.

This episode of the podcast, in conjunction with the gritty reboot of the Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, brings you Camels. Camels, the upsetting horse that wants to spit on you and are you sad are you moved are you cutting an onion why not drip water out of your eyes crying the most socially accepted leakage and in a world where cinema is dominated by fresh original ideas finally there's someone brave enough to make the sequel we've all been waiting for from the producers of the cult hit film that

got everyone talking and the company that's kept you relatively hydrated over the last few years two girls half a glass of water acas powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era.

Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. available now. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Now it's time for our archaeology news.

Neil Delamere, you're our archaeology correspondence. A metal detectorist has unearthed a 2,000-year-old penis pendant. Can you unpack this story for us? This is fantastic. I'll be honest with you. When I saw the headline, this is the headline, metal detectorist unearths 2,000-year-old penis pendant, I genuinely thought, there's no way they can know that's how it was worn i genuinely thought that it turns out it's a it's a pendant like and not for a penis but line after

line gives pause for thought in this article this estate agent was out and she was uh with her metal detector and it was on new year's eve and she found this thing and the lines in it roman parents would kit their children out with penis shaped pendants to protect them from the evil eye which i would have thought was kind of the same thing fighting fire with fire i would have thought if penis is protected from evil well then no hen party would ever be thrown out of a comedy club and we all know that that is wrong Pliny attributed the phallus

to the embodiment of Phasinus the guardian of infants and generals how does someone end up with infants and generals

how late was the god to that queue of stuff to protect like what's left we've got road killer microwaves nettles and printer ink or generals and babies.

I'll go for generals and babies. I don't want to sort of shit on your parade, but St. Valentine is lavas, epilepsy, and bees. I mean, that's a pretty eclectic group. I mean, he was multi-skilled, clearly. And his bones are in Dublin, are in Anger Street in Dublin, apparently,

Valentine's bones. That's very nice. Or possibly the Irish tourism industry may have made stuff up to attract American tourists. I mean, it's one of the two of those things. Allegedly, Oliver Cromwell's head's somewhere on the grounds of my college in Cambridge. Good. Yeah, I had an Irish housemate who used to just go and pee

in random corners of the college hoping at some point to get Oliver Cromwell's head. No, that's a cat thing. We're like, we're just marking territory. That's what that is.

I, I want to see this penis-shaped pendant. What I want to see, right, is, as the archaeological correspondence of the gargle, I want to see

an old lady turn up with this on the Antiques Roadshow and then go for it, but like only in the most graphic terms imaginable. I want all of them to lean in. I want like, oh, this is a lovely piece. How did you come by it? Well, my father was a cockmonger

and his grandfather was a cockmonger before him. I come from a long line of cockmongers. We had a cockmonger shop his grandfather was a cockmonger before him. I come from a long line of cockmongers. We had a cockmonger shop in the high street. Well it's a magnificent dong. Look at the exquisite detailing on the bell end. Look at the quality of the silver. It's like Wally's flute. Shorter than the golden phallus I saw in Rome that could have been the very schlong of C3PO himself. This is wonderful. Look at the tautness of the banjo string, perfectly in keeping with the time.

A lot of these now are mass produced by the Victorians, but if we turn it over, there will be a little stamp on the taint just towards the rectum. And there it is. This is worth a fortune. And then like, I wouldn't be parted from it. I want to just lean in please

I mean I love the penis fact that actually apparently the shape of the penis is to get out previous sperms from anyone who might have been in a vagina before you so it's like an evolutionary thing and sometimes I think well with frenulums

like these who needs enemas? Sorry, if we just turn off our microphones now, I know the gargle is short if we do it like that, but I mean, what's the podcast equivalent of mic drop? Or mickey drop, as we call it in Ireland, given the subject matter. I just don't understand the connection between a penis and the evil eye i mean surely that would attract it i mean you've been in have you ever been in the urinal and the guy next to you is leaning over and looking i mean like for me that happens all the time because they they want to know if it's true right awkward really awkward uh but yeah i wonder like what what's what's the the amount of luck to size of

of pendant like is it the bigger it is the less lucky you are because people get jealous and it tracks the evil eye i mean is this why the romans always made the penises on statues much smaller because they thought that the big ones were troubled there's so much to unpack here i want to know like what were they flaccid were they turgid were they circumcised is that like no oh they weren't i think that genuine dependent i don't think was oh because it's from 2000 years so that's probably pre-christian then isn't it well that's all the time we have for our ancient penis news, because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors

to bring in something to review out of five stars. Nabil Abdul Rashid, what have you brought in for us? Right. So today I would like to review my blender, right? It's amazing. Chopping things, pounding things, grinding things. When you're as lazy as me, you don't have the strength to do all of that. When you want to make a soup, you know, like why would I like soups and things I've eaten for thousands of years, but we know better than

them. We need something that mashes things instantly. It takes away the love and the care from cooking and it makes cooking a quickie it makes cooking casual i'm a casual cook i like my cooking i love my cooking fast i like it fast and loose i like it i like it technologically just you know i like it to be technologically advanced i'm tired of the old ways i want to find a new way to do everything i look for reasons to blend stuff okay and sometimes yes all my previous smoothies taste like things i've made before but i blend everything now because apparently when you blend stuff it becomes good for you they tell you you shouldn't eat too many fruits a day because the sugar is bad for you but when

you blend them it's absolutely fine um apparently lentils and stuff not good for you but when you blend them it's absolutely fine and the same thing with my tax return apparently i think i might be going to prison is what i'm saying but blenders guys they make everything better move with the times how many out of five well depending on whether or not hr hr hr mercy comes for me after wire blending, I would give it a sliding 2.5 to 3 for blenders but yeah, try juicing guys it's good. Neil Delamere, what have you brought in for us to review? I

have reviewed the Champions League final because I went to Paris last week for the Liverpool-Real Madrid Champions League final and how many stars would I give it? Well, when I go to Paris, particularly Paris or anywhere in France, I like to try new food salads and new drinks his league final and um how many stars would i give it well when i go to paris particularly paris or anywhere in france i like to try new food salads and new drinks uh uh but i found something

that didn't agree with me a tear gas never really got the taste for it um i didn't like how it was presented i didn't like i prefer the sweeter gases like oxygen and air. Air would be a big one for me. It wasn't very pleasant trying to get into the match at all. What the French police didn't expect, I think, is that when they fired tear gas at the crowd that I was in, that my friend Tim would react in quite the way he did because Tim was raised in Belfast in the 70s. So when they fired the tear gas gas he walked towards the tear gas

and they were not expecting this level of kind of unaffectedness he was just like oh it's just a bit of atmosphere come on it's no difference between tear gas and dry ice come on and it was really bizarre because we saw this French cop like with a little kind of mortar thing for firing the tear gas and he just went and Tim just Tim just started shouting at him and he's like what are you doing what are you doing and your man is looking at it was like keep your elbow in and angle it up a bit more what an amateur so that was very peculiar part of it the match itself was good but overall I think mmm streaming your eyes while being unprovoked unprovokedly

attacked by the French police gotta give it one and a half stars I have to say one and a half stars it's actually just one star but

the half star is just the blurring at the edge of your currently damaged vision and that's all the time we have for our review section

now it is time for our travel news Irish airline Ryan Air has finally stepped up to do something about the real pandemic. People pretending to be South African so they can get on planes. Passengers flying with a South African passport will now have to complete a quiz to prove that they are really genuinely South African. And just to be extra safe, the quiz is in Afrikaans,

a language known only by 14% of the South African population. Nabil, can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, I mean, reading that, like, you know, I mean, I hate to use the term racist because obviously Ryanair has never been embroiled in any racism scandals. But I mean, I would put it forth that the person who suggested it should probably answer a questionnaire about South Africa themselves. suggested it should probably answer a questionnaire about South Africa themselves because uh seriously Afrikaans not Zulu not Xhosa or any other languages the people like indigency of South African that's like Afrikaans is basically like for for lack of a better description morphed Dutch so it's like you know that's the equivalent of making people flying from England answer questionnaires

written in patois, which I think would be brilliant. You know, like can you imagine having to fill out, we're really dealing with, what are you saying fam, as a Londoner? Can you imagine like Boris Johnson, well I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on, but me and my brethren here, the Tory

man them, are travelling to do some big things. It's insane! Like like who sits down and thinks of this shit what were they smoking when they thought of this like seriously i mean and also since when do people pretend to be south african like i i mind blown i my look i might have been born yesterday, but I was awake all night. Never in my life, I've heard people claim to be Italian. I've heard people claim to be American. I've heard people claim to be all sorts, but South Africa, that's not exactly one of the most historically popular countries in the world, as far as I remember. So why, why would they come up with this? Just, just say it, just admit it. You don like south africa why why africans is why

i want to know like like you said i think it's actually less than 14 percent of south africans that speak that language um i think uh it's probably near something like 10 and if you look at the linguistic history as well in south africa obviously with apartheid and stuff that there were times when um indigenous afric African languages were made illegal. So not only is this crazy and stupid, it's also highly insensitive. So unlike Ryanair, I'm deeply disappointed. I'm deeply, deeply disappointed. The combination of Ryanair and South Africa, I think,

is leading to a little bit less sensitivity than we'd like. Neil, your traditional languages have been banned before. Do you have a take on this story? Well, I don't know why Ryanair are doing this. I'm not even sure I believe this whole thing because it's not a UK mandate. It's not an Irish government mandate. I will not accept Ryanair establishing where I'm from.

I will not accept a company that thinks that Beauvais is anywhere near Paris or Charleroi is anywhere near Brussels accepting where I'm from I reckon if you could prove you were Zimbabwean they would go that's close enough it's South Africa North and you'd be grand any of these questions in any of these sorts of like British citizenship tests or irish citizenship tests you know to prove that you're you know enough about a country they're always bizarre i was looking at one yesterday actually this is this is one of the sample questions genuinely from the uk one and it's um what created the united kingdom of great britain and ireland and you're

meant to choose the active union and because the systematic rape of a country's natural resources and brute colonial subjugation of its people isn't one of the multiple choice options for some reason apparently. I just don't get half of this. I don't even like Ryanair do stuff for money why are they busy checking the bona fides of your passport? If this was in a situation where they said um listen you absolutely have to fill in this form you have to fill this form to get on this plane and you can rent this special pen for five euros i would believe if it

was a riot air policy at that stage like these are the people like they're not exactly known for their administration have you ever looked up a flight on Ryanair and not actually booked a flight? About two days later, you get an email from them. And it always says, still dreaming about Stansted. You're like, no one has ever dreamt about Stansted. We go there because we can't go to a better airport. You might as well say, still dreaming of the All Saints cover version of Under the Bridge. No.

It's not as good as the original. I think everyone who is in Stansted thinks they're having a nightmare about being in Stansted. But that's just what being in Stansted is like. Yeah, the sentence only makes sense as if like your wife, your husband is thrashing around in bed going, the queues are outrageous and I've just seen a baby with a face tattoo. Are you still dreaming about Stansted? That's the only way it makes sense. going, the queues are outrageous and I've just seen a baby with a face tattoo. Are you still dreaming about Stan's dead? That's the only way it makes sense.

Language news now. And after a long day of working for the government, who doesn't love to watch streamers and pro gamers play esports? The French is the answer to that question. L'Académie Française, ancient defenders of the French language, have banned a range of English language gamer slang for government workers. The ban is apparently binding and they are trying to encourage the use of real proper made-up French words instead of the improper, casual, made-up English words.

Neil, are you a gamer? I'm not a gamer. I don't speak French even though I have a French surname not only do I not speak French I actually don't look like I speak French right now you do now I do in my stripy top yes

if you go to Montreal if you go to a shop they'll go bonjour hello and if you say hello they'll continue in English and if you say bonjour they'll continue in French I walked into shops and they all just went hello because i clearly have such an irish head they went he has one language at best um so i don't speak uh speak french i i'm not a gamer i can't imagine the gamer world is massively influenced by Académie Française because I can't imagine any of them who you know are finishing a 27 hour marathon of Call of Duty off their faces

on Red Bull and they're like je suis un pro gamer and the rest are like oh no no no tu es de pro gamer and they're like oh no je suis des, je suis un joueur professionnel. Hooray! Like, I think it's a more kind of organic use of English that just happens, you know. I don't think they should be necessarily worried about these things coming in. Well, I mean, they have been worried about it for hundreds of years, them being French. They don't want any adulteration of their French language, although adultery is part of their process in all other forms of their life. Nabil, would you use government-mandated non-slang terms for esports? Hell no, man.

I'm a gamer and, you know, like most true gamers, I spend my time swearing at American teenagers online while we play Call of Duty. I think, you know, on so many levels as a person who's like from a formerly colonized country where I had to learn English, you know, and also as an English speaker as well, I find it annoying because we speak so much French in English. We use so many French words. I think, you know, we should take umbrage to this. You know, look, that sounds French. Listen, I think if they're gonna do that

then we might as well replace all the uh french words that we use with english ones we should instead of deja vu turn to seen it before night um we should have uh you know instead of garage it should be car hole and uh instead of garbage or garbage it should be Tory. You know, we need to replace everything. Hey, hit the politics bell, Ped. No politics here. But, you know, that being said, I mean, I speak a language other than English and French. I speak an African language called Hausa. And, like, with our language,

like, when new stuff comes up, I'm like, you know, like, my wife speaks Punjabi, right? So I'm like, oh, what's the Punjabi word for software processor she's like nabil shut up you're being annoying again um but like what we do is when there's a new word or a modern thing we just say the word in our accent and then it becomes a word in our language so for example air conditioner in my language air conditioner there you go there you go done so why why why change pro game to professional when you could just be the pro gamer why do you like why why do they have to be so some i mean i've seen some of the um french versions they made of things and it's damn

near an entire sentence to describe one word it's just so so extra and unneeded and petty and french to be fair very very french i'm not a nationalistic man but the only time um it comes out is over language when you're looking at a say european hotel website and say it's in german or french and you know i'm a reasonable human being but then i have to click on a little Union Jack to translate it into English. And a part of me goes, I'll give the French a go. I'm going to give the French a go. It's what Michael Collins would have wanted. And then I realized that all I know is cuisine de France and Renault Zoe.

And I go and I have to click on the little Union flag. Well, I mean, I think if you're going to be like the French and you're going to insist on French words, they need to be more fun than the English words. So, for example, in Welsh, the word for microwave is poptymicrodon, but the slang word for it is poptyping, which is way more fun to say than microwave. And so I feel like then in that way you will embrace the fun of the new word rather than feeling like resentful at having to say, you know, jouer professionnel, you know, e-sports or whatever it is.

Could you imagine a teenager saying that? Like, wow, about to play Street Fighter or Tekken. And also, what gamer is going to listen to this shit anyway? What gamer really cares what a bunch of adults that don't play video games have to say about it? And all gamers are like three steps away from libertarian crypto-fascists. That's all the time we have for our language news, because now it's time for our chimp fake death news. That's true.

That's a real thing. He's famous, beloved, and not as dead as he first appeared, news because now it's time for our chimp fake death news. That's true. That's a real thing. He's famous, beloved, and not as dead as he first appeared. Unlike Jesus Christ, he starred in George of the Jungle, celebrity chimpanzee and actor Tonka, who's known for such films as Buddy and George of the Jungle, was reported dead last year, tragically. But it's now come out that his owner faked his death to prevent Peter from taking him away. Peter, the animal rights people, not just a person called Peter.

Nabil, can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, I'm furious, man. Like, you know, this story gave me hope that Tupac is still alive, first of all. But that side, I hate Peter, man. I mean, first the Tiger King, now this. They're just taking away all the legends. Like, they found the chimpanzee, you know, in this woman's house. And he had an iPad and a flat screen TV, a 60-inch flat screen TV.

Why are they taking him away? He's living the same standard of life. The only difference between him and most men in America right now is that he doesn't have a podcast giving male dating advice apart from that he's pretty much you know tv it's just frustrating like this and also how do they know it's the same chimp did they ask him how do they know like if this woman to me did the wrong thing i say don't snitch on yourself say no this is a different chimp that I found somewhere else.

You have no proof. Like, what are they going to say? How can they prove it's not him? Do you think they broke it in and he's in front of the 60-inch TV screen and said, what are you doing? And he went, je suis un joueur professionnel. He's clearly playing Donkey Kong. As a chimp, it has to be donkey kong i have a slight uh problem

with this well i have a lot of problems with lots of this but the she didn't fake the chimps death she said the chimp was dead and the story said she faked the chimps death i just think that is disrespectful to people who've actually gone to the trouble to fake a death properly they've driven to a beach they've folded their clothes they've hired a canoe they've done all the stuff so unless his owner hired an especially hairy small stuntman to fall off a cliff this is just a lie with no skill that's what it is that's true i mean it's like putting a putting a message on your answering machine saying sorry i'm dead can't that's true i mean it's like putting a putting a message on your answering machine saying sorry i'm dead can't pick up the phone uh it's not as convincing as it

could be because you know somebody would take that job you know there's an agent out there who was wrong a small hairy stuntman or actor and said listen listen jobs beget jobs and who knows where this could lead you nail this role you could be in Planet of the Apes Mark Wahlberg was in that just take the paycheck but all she did was say all she did was say he's gone and he wasn't gone

yeah it was a lie it was a lie this is the saddest thing about the world nowadays we can we not believe

that all our heroes are dead yeah live in the brave new world of no heroes be your own hero but at least have a funeral. You know what I mean? Have a funeral.

Have, I don't know, people fire bananas over a coffin. I don't know what you do with a chimp funeral. She claimed he was cremated. Say something about monkey pox. I don't know. But just don't go, oh, he's dead. He can't come to the phone right now. Make a f***ing effort.

That's true. Also, I think they're burying the real lead here, which is that Peter was called to rescue this chimp from living in conditions that are not unlike what many Hollywood stars live in.

Sort of isolated luxury, watching television all day. And that's not considered abusive when we do it to people. So have a think about that. They'd have their hands busy during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival as well. Every comedian would have to be rescued from a 40 grand one month long lease.

That's all the time we have for our Animal News because that is the end of our show. I'm flipping through the ad section at the back. Nabil Abdul Rashid, have you got anything to plug? Surprisingly, no. Well, I've got some work in progress shows, which I will post up on my Twitter if anyone still uses that to do anything except for politicians. But outside of that, no, I have no plugging to do.

I'm just happy to be here. I'm just here for the culture. Thank you. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by the question Why is some hair good and not other hair good? Neil Delamere have you got anything to plug?

Yeah, I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival the assembly rooms in August and I also have a podcast that we just started called Why Would You Tell Me That? Myself and my co-host we look at things anything that interests us at all

so we had somebody an economist on talking about tulip mania last week you tell me that? Myself, my co-host, we look at things, anything that interests us at all. So we had somebody, an economist on talking about tulip mania last week. We had somebody on talking about the Scottish attempt at a colony in Panama. We had somebody talking about EPO. So anything that interests us in any field, you can look us up at why would you tell me that on Instagram.

I'm going to sign up for that actually I enjoy you on podcasts Neil as indicated by the fact that I have you on my podcast I am also on tour I'm in London at the moment on a boat but don't come to the boat, just come to my various gigs that are available on my website

or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser or Twitter or Instagram where I'm at alliterative A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. I'm judging the Dancy Lagarde Literary Tribute Competition and the prize will be out at the end of this month. £200 to the winner. £200 in real cash money and £1,000 in imaginary money that I make up. But £200 actual pounds. It's surprisingly good, a lot of the entries. I've had so many entries and it's ridiculous that a joke,

a whim I had about a joke has resulted in like 50 people sending me pornographic chapters of imaginary books. I'd like to say a big thank you to our roving reporters, Eson Linji, who sent us the Elvis wedding story, Belenthien, who sent us the penis pendant story, Abdel Rahman, who sent us the Ryanair story, and The Cricket List, who sent us the fake chimp death story. If you would like to be a roving reporter for The Gargle, tweet us with the stories

you think are funny at HelloGogglers on Twitter. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. Your editor is Ped Hunter. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.