The Gargle - Family show!

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

Andy Zaltzman and James Nokise join host Alice Fraser for a special family-themed collector's edition of The Gargle. 🐟 The origins of sex💖 Childminders vs parents🏳️‍🌈 Pope vs modern families💔 How to do divorce🌳 Heaven is a place in earthThis episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. This is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World. This week's edition of Topical Satirical Non-Politics is a limited edition, collected edition, family edition of the show. Our guest editors for this week are both good, solid family men. Mr. Andrew Zaltzman. Hello. Welcome. And Mr. James Nokise. Welcome.

They're not my kids. Let's plunge into this week's magazine, having a quick look at the front cover. Front cover this week is a picture of a YouTube family blogging celebrity who you don't recognise this week, but you will soon because it's only a matter of time before one of them is accused of a crime. The satirical cartoon this week is a family playing monopoly all of whom are holding large weapons behind their backs subtitled by the

Tolstoy quote happy families are all alike every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way and that brings us into the body of the magazine our section one is the origins of family, a.k.a. the origins of sex. Sex apparently began in a lake in Scotland. Andrew Zaltzman, you've been in a lake in Scotland. Can you tell us about this? I began in a lake in Scotland and I was hauled out by an ancient king that proved his destiny, I think. Well, I mean, the thing is, you know, in a Scottish lake, as Robert Burns, the famous Scottish poet, wrote,

bagpipes can do funny things to a fish. He might have written that. It's very hard to tell with Burns. He could have written anything. But they found this 385-million-year-old fossil, or pair of fossils, that they think were at it hammer and tongs and possibly the first ever fossils to

do the dirty deed Microbrachius Dicci I mean really whoever named that fossil really needs to grow up and apparently they had little arms that would link the male and the female together the male had a large

L-shaped prongulum, which would then dock in what is described as the female's genital plates, who I think was also a British rapper in the 1980s. And these plates are described as rough like cheese graters. And this surely just shows the miracle of evolution. The evolution didn't think, obviously, this has to f***ing stop. Now, let's stick with spawning. It's in everyone's best interest. Evolution instead thought, oh, k kinky let's run with it and now just 385 million years later there's a thriving bulgarian fetish scene so you know that's just

the way the world has evolved i mean it's truly astonishing i mean i know plenty of people who think of themselves as open-minded and experimental but are you open-minded and experimental enough to try a whole new vector of copulation can you imagine being the first person to suggest this in a world of spawners you suggest docking docking with someone's genital plates yes well if they're like like cheese graters like cheese how much do you like i mean i love parmesan as much as the next person i think there's a time and a place for it who and i mean i've seen this fossil. They are sort of linked, but they're arm in arm sideways.

They've come inside. It's like a line dancing bag. Which is the whitest of all sexual positions. I think what we've established here is that sex came before foreplay because, of course, in modern times, if it's dry like a cheese grater, you're doing something wrong. And it's dry like a cheese grater you're doing something wrong and it's probably a sign to stop it's under water nothing's dry they're big well and yet look i'm just saying if you're in water and it's like a cheese grater you need to

re-evaluate your game fish well apparently these are common fossils but no one noticed the sexual organs until now which again not a compliment to the microbrachial stick eye. Also not a compliment to the scientists studying these fossils, that you can see two fossils who died in flagrante and not even spot it. But it's not quite as sexy as the Bible story, is it? In terms of the origin of life, the Bible gives us a hot naked dude and a

hot naked babe it involves a snake and some fruit and an unseen controlling power manipulating their behavior i mean that's basically everything that's good about 21st century reality tv rolled into one but more so well they don't say that adam and eve were wandering in the garden of eden and then eve ate the fruit of forbidden knowledge and suddenly noticed her docking plates and was ashamed. I mean, we've got to give some credit to Scotland where you wouldn't necessarily have thought that the many and varied possibilities

of sexual congress would have begun in Scotland. But Scotland's always been a hotbed of visionary innovation, road surfacing, telephones, economics, passing football and haggis. It's amazing how inventive the mind can be when there's no real incentive to go outside, kick back and catch some rays. So I think it's a great place for copulation to have begun. The lead author of the report from Flinders University in Australia, Professor John Long, made the discovery he was looking through a box of ancient fish fossils.

As you do. Was this professionally or recreationally? We all get our kicks in different ways, but he saw it and thought, hang on. But then the fish didn't stick with this. They then reverted back to spawning rather than docking on cheese grater genitals. But that's sensible isn't it? I mean you try something out

you realise it's more trouble than it's worth and you move on. And you know if only the rest of evolution had taken that lesson. Imagine how much more efficient we humans would be as a species if we jettisoned all the various forms of humpage and conflagroining that have proved such a distraction to us over the millennia.

How much more... I reckon the environment would be fine and we'd probably all be living in floating space pods. It would be awesome. I do worry, Andy, that if we did that we would have run out of porn about a decade ago. Well, I mean, what's spawning porn be? People just dropping deposits on the forest ago. Well, I mean, what's spawning porn be?

People just like dropping deposits on the forest floor. Andy, you asked that question, but I guarantee you there is an answer. Spornography. The Pornhub creators are just looking at this story going, yes, I see at least three new categories coming out of this news.

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that rages on today in the night. Apparently, parents can't decide how much they want their childminders to love the children that they are themselves neglecting. James Nwokise, have you been following this story? I have, but not in a creepy way, even though this story originates on Mumsnet, not necessarily the usual hanging place for male comedians. I mean, there's a couple. There's a couple. We're trying to get them out of the industry. The gig's a gig. The gig's a gig.

What's happened is there's been a research into childminders saying they love you to the children who they are minding. So they say the child sometimes goes, I love you. The childminder says, I love you back. And this has been noted. And mums have come hard and said this is the creepiest thing that ever heard in their life You shouldn't tell a child. That's not your child. They struggle themselves to love the child Why should someone else be able to love their child more than them? I think it has a lot of tones I would say Alice of parents worried that pedophilia may be involved because once you tell a child that you love them, obviously there's some commitments that these mums are expecting to go along with that. Really just a lot of self-projection onto innocent childminders.

I mean, Andy, have you been following this story? Well, yes. When I saw Child Minders vs. Parents, I thought finally one of my TV ideas has been picked up and the future of pugilism was in safe hands because mixed martial arts has really run its course and there needs to be some element of child custody involved in professional

fight sports. To me, is it appropriate for a child minded to tell a child in their care that they love I think it very much depends on a number of things tone of voice is one I mean it's not ideal if it is

either loaded with sarcasm or threateningly gruff or ear bleedingly loud I think that is going to scar a child it depends on context. It depends whether they add anything to the sentence. If they say, I love you, dot, dot, dot, more than your parents do, you can understand why the parents might get a bit upset about that.

I love you, or at least I will love you, when you tell me where Daddy keeps his secret stash of Krugerrands. I love you so it's with great regret that I'm leaving you in the woods to find your own way home as an ancient Sparta inspired child toughening exercise that will be for your own long term benefit. So I mean it does depend on various things but also to me it seems

like a fairly unlikely scenario. I mean it's just one of the things where we're getting worried about something that doesn't really happen because let's face it other people's children are mostly annoying. So it just seems a very unlikely scenario that a childminder would say this. I think we're dealing with hypotheticals here. I think the childminder should say it to the children, but only if they really mean it. And I feel like that could lead

to inequalities in the schoolyard, because as we all know, some children are more lovable than others. You know, it's a very inconvenient truth for everyone. And I'm afraid that, you know, obviously your own children are much more adorable than other people's children. I don't understand this outrage. I feel like children should be told that they are loved as much as possible by as many people as possible. That goes very, very much against British

tradition, Alice. And, you know, we voted for Brexit really to get away from this slightly European attitude that children are things to be cherished and incorporated into your life and society and back to the proper British way of really just ignoring them until they become human beings at the age of 18 or 21. I think the true crime that's being committed here, Alice, is that the editor has forced a reporter to use the handles of the mothers on Mumnet. Because as a serious journalist, they probably say,

could I just say a mother? And they've got no. You have to write crazy guinea pig lady. You have to write Mary had a little ram. You've got to write take a letter Miss Jones. And it really undercuts the years spent in journalism school to then be reporting on children being told that they are loved. I have to absolutely disagree with you James because I feel like attaching these handles

to these statements gives you some idea of the weight of seriousness with which you should treat their opinions. But surely also it depends you know at what point is this expression of love being offered you know it surely depends whether it's acceptable or not on how long the child has been left with the child minder you know on day one of a new child minder if it's within the first 10 minutes that does seem you know a bit hasty on the part of the child mind because like i said most children turn out to be really irritating you want to build up your evidence before diving in. But say, if the childminder has had the child for six months after mum and dad have FRO'd around the world on a cruise ship,

it's probably good for the child just to hear something positive. So, again, it all depends. I think that's wise advice just for adult relationships as well. Yes. Andy, I remember the awkwardness when we first met, and I was like, I love you. And you were like, oh, it's the green room. Just wait until I finish my set, James.

You know, running on stage like that. And, you know, there's a time and a place. A gig's a gig, mate. I feel like as with all Mumsnet scandals, that there's a lot too many of them saying trust your gut. And I feel that perhaps they have untrustworthy guts and maybe a slightly higher proportion of untrustworthy guts on Mumsnet than in other places on the internet.

But that carries us on into our section of adversarial family stories because Pope Francis, speaking of people with opinions that he's not afraid to put out there, very outspoken man, Pope Francis, keeps having opinions about things. He has shut down what is called... Yeah, but Alice, if you give someone their own special balcony, they're going to think their opinion's worth sharing.

I mean, true. Any time I'm in a hotel room that has a balcony, I have got some strong opinions. And in this instance, strong opinions on same-sex marriage in the Catholic Church. He has said that the church does not have the power to change sacraments, apparently closing the door for the Catholic Church on the possibility of same-sex marriage. James Nokise, you're the son of a preacher man. Can you tell us a bit more

about this story? No, actually, I'm the son of a Presbyterian. He's been married three times. He's having a great life. Have any of those marriages been to men is the question relevant no but he's still kicking so you know we never know we live in hope uh but the pope obviously renowned family man and commentator um he has said that sacraments are made by god uh not by the church which has got to be one of the bigger cop-outs in biblical history because the entire catholic church if he actually read the bible is built by man to represent god it's it's it's right there i mean i'm just a humble presbyterian and who made god in the first place arguably a bush look why would i rip the piss out of the Catholic leader? There was a whole reformation

fought over this kind of stuff. It's a very, very famous Lutheran. I think it is Martin, some English guy. The point is that the Catholic church has said there's not gonna be any gay marriage. There's already legal precedent for it. It doesn't have to be seen under God, almost as though God doesn't want to see that kind of stuff,

which, as per the normal jokes, is probably not top of God's top five list on things he doesn't want to see from the Catholic Church. Also, the Vatican's argued for not giving blessings, which seems a lot. You know, blessings are a dime a dozen. Blessings are more common than childcare minders saying, I love you.

They bless ships. If you bless a ship, and if there's a more unholy creature than a ship, I get to meet it. Andy, what's your take on this story? Well, firstly, just on Martin Luther, I think slightly, I'm not sure, I think he was German.

His full name was Martin Luther Blissett. And he wrote a load of stuff and he played football for Watford and AC Milan. But it's very confusing. It's mired in the depths of history. Yes, I mean, to be honest, you know, if everything has to be as the Lord established, then the Catholic Church should be banning all Twitter messages that are not carved into stone tablets. Because that was very much how God liked it. I think what's really ironic is that the Catholic Church

as Jewish people will know, Alice, Andy, is the remix. It's the Anglo remix of Judaism. So it turns out you can actually rewrite them in English. There was a few

curious things in March of this year. Apparently the Vatican ruled that the church would not bless these same-sex unions because, quotes, it does not and cannot bless sin. Now, I mean, it can't bless sin. It can overlook, tolerate, institutionalise, camouflage and whitewash sin for a decade after an abusive decade, but it cannot bless it. Each of them, I'm not going to tell them how to live their lives. I mean, it can and has blessed setting people on fire in the past,

stretching people on racks and other activities, which to our non-expert, non-Catholic eyes, might look a bit on the sinny side of life. But interestingly, here's a bit of etymology for you. Vatican is actually an abbreviation for the phrase, that I can do, but you cannot, because I have a big hat and shitloads of bling. So that's the

origin well I just I just want to put it out there for any gay couples listening who would like to be married under or blessed under the sacraments of the the catholic church um if you want to be blessed uh have you thought of pretending to be a sneeze because that seems to work if you want to trick a trick a blessing out of someone. Also, they've said that blessings for same-sex couples would be an affront to God. And I do worry about the amount of time God must spend being affronted. And it's no wonder that he's exhausted. Because being affronted burns off a lot of calories for a start.

But also, I mean, he must be knackered. There's no wonder he's so shit at his job these days, just spending all his time affronted by stuff. Now, obviously, we know that the Catholic Church don't want to say or do anything. When it comes to same-sex relationships, they've got to be careful. They've got to cover that.

They don't want to say or do anything that results in a massive increase in the number of volcanoes going off, earthquakes juddering out, or tsunamis splashing in, because God, obviously, is legally contracted to punish acts of same-sex biblical infraction with natural disasters. So they do have to be careful but even so I think it is time for them to move on and accept modern society

as it is. I think as with so much disapproval this is just jealousy because they're aware that if you allow Catholic gay weddings the priest will not be the one wearing the best dress. True. I think we should be fair to the Catholic Church. They're still cool with the sex.

They're still fine with the marriage. They're still out there getting to frock up and having a great time. They're still Raphael-ing the shit out of it. Did I get a reference? Raphael died in a Nauji, was the painter for the Pope, and died in a Nauji. He's one of my favourite Renaissance painters. There does seem to be a direct correlation

between people who get most upset about same-sex marriage and the people least likely ever to be invited to a same-sex wedding. But I think it is essential cake jealousy. Oh, for f***'s sake, who invited the Pope?

I think it is essential cake jealousy. Oh, for f***'s sake, who invited the Pope? And that's all the time we have for our Family Vendettas section. Because now it's time for your reviews. As with every week, our correspondents bring in a thing to review out of five stars. James Nukise, what have you brought in for us? Well, due to being still stuck in a different country to my parents, I've bought in for family theme, text messages between me and my parents. So very quickly, mum on Friday, really loved your latest newspaper article. Thanks, mum. Thought you'd enjoy it.

Shall we have a bit of a catch up later? I'm just watching the news in Melbourne. Looks a bit funny. It is. Let's do that. Maybe after dinner? Sounds good. All right. Talk to you then. I give it a four out of five. She could have been funnier. She is my mum. Dad, son, can you send through the thing you mentioned in your last call? Sure, dad. What's your email address? It is the one you have. Okay, dad. I don't think you've emailed me from it. I might have for your birthday. I didn't. Love you.

So I'm going to give that a four as well because that's pretty good for my dad. Good comedy, bad parenting, I think. That exchange. I didn't email you for your birthday. The best birthday present of all. My dad, I don't know if you guys have encountered this. He has a PhD. He is very very intelligent he's a gifted orator he is useless at the written like it's

amazing to me how he can write thesis and check thesis and be so bad in texting and emails and he's ultimately what have you brought in to review uh Well, I've got some of my old relatives that I've reviewed. Great Uncle Herbert never really found true happiness, personally in a joyless marriage or professionally in a career in car park management. Herbert allowed a sense of generational bitterness to fuse with his personal lack of fulfilment, creating a distant, intermittently resentful elderly relative whom children beg not to sit next to at Christmas,

despite his oft-repeated claim that he once ran over a corgi dog that he thinks might have belonged to the Queen. Two stars. Great Aunt Grenavieve, frightfully tedious obsession with minor medical ailments, could be leavened by entertaining outbursts of irascibility about unwanted insects and underbrewed tea. An obsessional stickler for the rules when playing board

games, Great Aunt Grenavieve lacked even a rudimentary humanity when dealing with anyone under the age of 40, frequently finishing conversations with the words, well you wouldn't have been allowed to cry about something like this in the war, young lady stroke gentleman. Unverifiable rumours about a wartime incident with an American GI and the wreckage of a crashed Messerschmitt

added to her otherwise minimal mystique she would blush crimson whenever a war film was on. Enough said. Two stars as well. And Ian, second cousin once removed, age age seven soul-breakingly irritating a one-child argument in favor of armageddon so those are reviews of my clearly fictional relatives now in the family game of family life uh we've come to the divorce section which is a story that's come out recently about Melinda Gates and her dealing.

A lot of stories have come out about Melinda Gates and her dealing with divorce with Bill. But apparently she has thrown an extravagant bridal shower for her daughter at the Sprawling Lakefront estate that was previously shared with her and Bill Gates. And apparently they look like they're having a grand old time, which people are variously interpreting to mean that Melinda Gates is a heartless hussy or doing it right. Andy Zaltzman, you are happily married. Yes.

Can you give us your take on this divorce story? Well, I have mercifully zero first-hand experience of divorce. I mean, I was fascinated by what Melinda and Bill Gates said when they announced their split, that we no longer believe that we can grow together as a couple. And, you know, I've been married now for 17 years and growing together as a couple is absolutely not something that you should be aspiring to. You want to just gradually sink into the sofa, you know, watch increasing amounts of television. to just gradually sink into the sofa and watch increasing amounts of television. It's not about growing together, isn't it? It's just about ticking off the years until the merciful claw of the reaper

moves you on to a better realm. So the problem is they set their sights too high. That's also an odd thing because she's hosting this bridal shower for her daughter who's about to get married despite the example of her parents having been divorced after 17 years of happy and productive marriage that has literally changed the face of the world in a number of ways, which could arguably be seen as a success of a marriage and calling it quits at exactly the right time.

Nonetheless, her daughter is marrying a horse guy, so we can all hope... What, a centaur? No, an Egyptian show jumper. Oh, right, sorry. Which sounds like a euphemism for someone whose parents also have a lot of money. I think you get an assessment of Jennifer's parents' wealth status by her bio, which is an equestrian aficionado and medical student.

Well, I think we've all been through breakups. It's just a part of adult life. And when you get your favorite CD or your favorite cushion and your ex doesn't take it, you feel pretty good. So I think if you just times that feeling by about 20 billion, you'll probably feel what Melinda Gates is feeling. Because I think any relationship you walk away from and you're one of the top five richest people of your gender in the world i think i think top top five women uh top 60 men i'm not sure what the inequality is up to at this point well apparently apparently there's some dispute as to whether she owns this lakefront estate or whether bill gates owns the lakefront estate it's called xanadu 2.0 which is

a reference to the coleridge poem kublai can and also his computer fortunes but apparently melinda is allowed to use it for for fun things as well such as throwing a party for her daughter if it's xanadu 2.0 then you can be guaranteed that the next update is probably going to be really irritating and not actually improve anything, but just decrease the overall functionality of things for reasons that are beyond comprehension. Isn't it strange? All the male billionaires are like,

we're going to get in rockets and go to space. And then the only female billionaire in the news is like, I'm throwing a nice party for my daughter. Well, and the other female billionaire in the news, which is to say Jeff Bezos' ex-wife, is giving away huge quantities of money to various charities, which, again, it's not shooting it into space, but it's still good.

Apparently, scientists have found the first divorced fossils just next to a lake in Scotland. Yeah, the reasons for divorce being he was into some weird shit. He was into some weird shit. And they also found a fossil of a slightly younger fish. You can draw your own conclusions on that. Well, the slightly younger fish was more willing

to experiment with her genital plates. You've got to wait till you're married before you start pitching line dancing style. It's a big leap from spawning to line dancing style, I think, for all of us. That's all the time we have for the divorce section. We've got to plunge into our pull-out section. Our pull-out section of the week five ways to survive lockdown with your family let's face it spending time with family just isn't natural if we were supposed to do it then children would stay on the inside where they belong but whether it's a birthday

a holiday or a global pandemic that just won't go away sometimes there's no avoiding family luckily we've come up with the perfect tips for you to survive your family if you happen to be trapped in the home with them. Tip one, convince dad he's in the matrix. All you need are two identical cats and an enigmatic pill pusher. Once dad is convinced tell him he has to practice karate in the garage indefinitely or hide from Hugo Weaving and you'll forget all about that noise he makes every time he sits down. Tip two, secretly hypnotise your mother. Hypnotism's easy, it's just eye contact in a cape. And the applications are endless.

You could help your mother stop smoking, ease her fears about the future or convince her that you didn't spend that last nine hours watching reruns of some terrible television show and eating ice cream out of the tub. Tip number three, invent mythical beings. You've already convinced the kids that a rabbit gives them chocolate once a year and a fairy wants out of the tub. Tip number three, invent mythical beings. You've already convinced the kids that a rabbit gives them chocolate once a year and a fairy wants to buy their teeth. Why stop now? Tell them if they don't speak for a week an owl will give them video games.

Or the etiquette ghost gives spiders to children with bad manners. Or a unicorn wants them to make you breakfast. All you have to lose is their trust in you when they inevitably discover your lies. Tip four, build a nursing home for grandpa. Sure, actual nursing homes have become COVID orgies, but that doesn't mean you have to spend quality time with grandpa. A nursing home is just a place you put old people so you can pretend they don't exist until they die. It doesn't have to be a building. A nursing home can be the attic or the linen closet or that box the fridge came in. So long as you can't see him him you don't have to feel guilty. Tip 5

convince the dog it's a cat cats don't bark that's our section of tips for surviving your family during lockdown. Alright that's all the time we have for our pullout section because now we're on to the end of all family. Our death section, our family death section, begins with green death. Apparently on sale now is the option to be buried in a sort of a pod and have a tree grow out of you, which is either something that you definitely want or something that you definitely do not want.

Andy, are you going to be buried in a compostable tree pod? Well, look, I don't know yet uh i mean it very much depends whether my um current expert experiments with the elixir of eternal life bear fruit um my current recipe is a couple of uh glasses of spanish vermouth a day and watching uh frankly heroic amount of live cricket. And it's working really well so far. But, you know, whether that results in eternal life, I guess time will tell. But, I mean, it's quite intriguing, this. I think it's really a demonstration of how f***ing incredible America is as a nation.

of how f***ing incredible America is as a nation. That basically what you've got here is a process that has really been perfected by sticking people in the ground, as humanity has done since the very dawn of time. And America has added to it a classic example of unnecessary technological advance that you can now do in a special rotating pod, and charging people ten thousand dollars for it so they've basically monetized something that was already done

perfectly well by the earth so it's heroic effort from america it's actually um founded by by three american italian families alice i don't know uh if you know it was uh the Donatello's, the Garibaldi's and the Pellicini's. And a spokesperson for them said, it was really easy. You know, you get a body, you put it in a little box, bing, bada, boom, you got a beautiful flower, no questions asked. Well. I mean, this is one of those stories which on the surface, it seems very simple, but as you dig into it,

it's incredibly complicated and annoying. There's a whole process to it. It's not just sticking you in the ground and waiting for a tree to grow out of you, which is the traditional way of doing it. But they put you in an insulated wooden box packed with wood chips and straw that for some reason has wheels on it so you can roll it around. So it's like if you have a compost bin so that you can agitate it sounds like what you do with a live hamster and then after about three months they open the vessel and then they filter out any medical prosthetics and then they pulverize the remaining bones and put them back in there's like a whole recipe and they pull out your teeth in case you have fillings that might poison the tree

and then they rebury you after they've kept you in 131 degrees Fahrenheit for up to 72 hours to kill any bacteria. See, that just seems like a very long way around to just chuck him in that ditch, you know? Yes. I mean, and also it says that you're presented with a cubic yard of soil. But, I mean, why do they need to give that up?

There's still body-shaming people who've popped their compostable wooden clogs. And you've got to be careful. What do you do with the soil? You don't want to put it in your garden, look it out the window and say, oh, shit, next door neighbour's bloody cat has just crapped on Aunty Mildred again. You don't want that, do you? and they're saying, oh shit, next door neighbour's bloody cat has just crapped on Aunty Mildred again. You don't want that, do you?

Well, you're not allowed to grow edible food because that would be immoral. Or what's the Catholic God intended? One of the two. I mean, you don't want a sort of human-tomato hybrid growing out of your vegetable patch, do you? You don't. No, I certainly don't. The Colorado

Catholic Conference, easily my favourite football competition, they've opposed the bill. I mean, the best of all of the clubs that can be pronounced ka-ka-ka. They've said that body composting quotes does not promote human dignity, but then

neither does dying in the first place. It's f***ing shit! Or getting old, getting decrepit, getting mad and confused. But they're all in favour of that, but not being turned into a bit of soil. It's hypocrisy. The only post-death service I would be interested in

would be if there was a company offering guaranteed hauntings that if you could pay people £5,000 before you die to guarantee that they would then dress up as you in a big white cloak and go and scare the shit out of you, people that have pissed you off during your life,

that I'd happily pay for that. That would be a great service. Do you know what doesn't promote human dignity is the Popemobile. I don't think the Catholic Church are the greatest barometers on what qualifies as human dignity. You can have too much transparency. But I feel like the problem with the Catholic Church is it's got transparency in all the wrong places. Like the worst Met Gala outfits. Alice, what vegetable, if you were to die in a plot, would you come back as? I'd be a

pumpkin patch, if I could be any. I really love pumpkin soup. I'd love to share that with people. James, let a girl preserve some mystery. That is the end of our family special edition of The Gargle. Now we're flipping through the ads at the back. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by pigeons. Rats you can throw. Andy, have you got anything to plug? Well, just the bugle, the sister, uncle

publication of the gargle. Do listen to that. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Philosophy. A question only as good as its lack of a definitive answer. James Nocuse, have you got anything to plug? Yes, my you by philosophy a question's only as good as its lack of a definitive answer james no kisei have you got anything to plug uh yes my uh new series of my podcast eating fried chicken in the shower uh is is up which uh has more mental health conversations uh with people who have been

uh in lockdown which is quite fun always fun uh thank you so much for listening to the show i'm your host alice fraser find me online at at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram. That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. Or find me at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser for a one-stop shop for all of my standout special podcasts and blogs, as well as my weekly Tea with Alice salons. This is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.