The Gargle - Fish | Sex | Cryptoland

Episode Date: January 14, 2022

Alison Spittle and debutant Neil Delamere join host Alice Fraser for episode 44 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🐟 Oldest fish in the world🚗 Goldfish are driving now👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨 People are having less sex🏝 Cryptoland: the new Fyre Festival?🐔 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. and you'd probably better be a fishmonger. Moreover, what's the deal with giving a man a fish anyway? Is it a thought experiment or a real experiment? What's your control or placebo? Are there men who think they're being given a fish but aren't? I'll tell you what's better than a fish, if what you want is podcast satirical news content with none of the politics.

The gargle. The sonic glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper visual world. This is the gargle. All of the fun, none of the guns. I'm your host, Alice Fraser. Your guest editors for this week are Alison Spittel and Neil Delamere. Welcome to the show. Woo!

Delighted to be on. It's like the downstairs of the Titanic this episode. That's what I would call a nightclub if I was ever opening a nightclub. You and me, Alison, are going into partnership downstairs at the Titanic. Titanic. There'll be a Kayleigh. There'll be nothing else. Well, actually,

you're a great guest, Neil, because you've recently become famous on the television. Yes. Yes, I have. I like the way you said that as if I had just recently released my first

gramophone record. Indeed. The wax cylinders are flying out the door. The vicarage has been overcome with telephone calls from all around the empire. Yeah, I'm doing a thing called Dance with the Stars, strictly as it would be called in the UK. So it is incredible fun at the moment. What's your new nickname, Neil? King of the Paso Doble? King of the Paso Doble is a suite. That's a VIP area in downstairs of the Titanic.

Right. I told my mother-in-law, and I thought she'd be really excited, and she looked at me with, like, cold, dead eyes of a shark and went, do not have an affair. Yes! I was thinking that, Neil, because I really love your wife. So, like, I am like...

Well, that's something we have in common, thank God. And I said to my mother-in-law, I'm not going to have an affair. What she doesn't know is I've already been having an affair. So this won't make any difference whatsoever to my past life. I am joking. I love my wife with wild abandon.

Of course, of course abandon of course of course you must get asked that a lot going on like dance with the stars it must be like almost like a sports injury where they're like

look after your calves and your marriage yeah it's the only it's the only television show that you have that like if you go on the antique show nobody goes

don't steal a vase now you know what you're like there'll be vases in front of you I know you love the vases you have at home, but like, it'll be right there in front of you and you'll feel good about yourself. You'll be in a different shape.

Like, you're going embarrassing bodies. Don't stick your finger up anybody's bottom because the doctors will be doing it. You're not an expert. Please don't do it. I bet you 10 quid, like the antique throat. So they're rather like rabbits like there's just keys

going into an antique fishbowl oh yeah just they're checking rings they're seeing how old stuff is but you know they're holding other people up to the light

yeah yeah I believe this is 1975 it's in good nick yeah they're deliberately trying wild sexual positions so they can check the mark on the bottom of somebody.

Yeah. Oh, my grandmother had one of these. Yes. Oh, this isn't your grandmother. This is a reproduction of your grandmother. Aw. Well, as I said, this isn't that kind of podcast. We're going to plunge into the magazine.

But first, of course, let's have a look at the cover. This week, your cover model is Novak Djokovic. Unflappable on the court and off the court, the human personification of an unforced error. He's posing like a cross between Betty Boop and a young up-and-coming male comedian on a poster, one hand going over his mouth while the other one is scratching the back

of his head with an adorably befuddled look on his face like, me? I can't even spell dangerous misinformation daddy other headlines on the front cover include second week of the new year new week new you old last week you was the week you be the strong new new week you this week strong new you news weekly the satirical cartoon for this week's edition is the pope in his annual speech telling people that not having children is selfish that's it that's the satirical cartoon now let's get into the edition our first segment of this magazine is our fish segment

classic glamorous magazine segment fish segment this first story is about the oldest fish in the world my mum always used to say three days is long enough for fish or friends what about this old fish Alison Spittel you look like you've met an old fish before can you tell us about this story so this is about Mephuselah the lungfish she's the oldest fish ever in captivity she's in the San Francisco aquarium at the time that Al Capone was in prison so she's been in for a long stretch a very long stretch and she didn't even do tax avoidance

so good for her they say that Mifusina enjoys fresh figs and doesn't like frozen ones she knows the difference and belly rubs as well and she also likes to trick people and pretend that she's dead and have them mourn her

and then she'll be like, oh, I'm alive. Which sounds exactly like what I'm going to do when I retire. Just constantly pretend to be dead. Drape yourself over some strawberry. Yeah, someone feed me figs, rub my belly and tell me they'll miss me when I

die. Like, that's all I need in life. That is essentially your eulogy, isn't it? Alison, she could tell the difference between fresh figs and frozen and loved an old belly rub checked her coffin because we're not sure if she's dead you know what she's like peekaboo then i run out unfortunately she did do tax evasion and that's where the similarities i want to know about the fish's memory span because you know goldfish have a memory of activation and that's where the similarities between her and Methuselah end. I want to know about the fish's memory span, because you know goldfish have a memory of like two seconds. Does Methuselah know that she's this old or does she just feel like a new but creaky fish?

That would be terrible though, that every so often she caught her reflection in the mirror over and over again and it was a shock that she was 90 years old. We do have to say this is the oldest fish in captivity and this is a paltry cut at 90 odd years. Oldest fish in the world Greenland sharks five, six hundred years old. Just think about that.

That's a fish older than even the idea of a Protestant. What is the fish practicing would you say Neil? Like what's its... I don't know but I reckon a Greenland shark would have stories, wouldn't it?

They would have, oh, it's all built up coral around here now. But when I was young, this was all kelp. Kelp as far as the eyes can see. Which isn't that far for a Greenland shark, to be fair. Not great on the vision. As far as I can roughly kind of feel. So this is a lungfish. This is a lungfish.

Yeah, a lungfish. Apparently it says it's a living fossil, which I think is just a very rude way to describe Mephuselah. Like, you know, she can't hear.

It's like, to say someone's a living fossil is quite rude, I think. But like, Mephuselah's a lungfish. They're in between,

they have lungs lungs which is crazy but they live underwater neil can you explain this to me like yes yes they live underwater they have a friend they uh a starfish called patrick and they have a song and so basically it has a lung and it has gills. Alison, it's a Toyota Prius. That's what it is. It can run off one or the other. It's been around about 90 years. He was only Corporal Birdseye when she met him first.

Right, a young whippersnapper. A whippersnapper. What I was trying to figure out, apparently it's kind of like the link between amphibians and fish. So is it probably the Ray of Light album for Madonna between like a virgin and how she is now? It was a kind of, it's a transitional period. It's like Heidi out of Sugar Babes. Do you know what I mean? She was only meant to be temporary.

Yeah. You know, she's still there hanging on. We are calling her her and they don't know oh she's a her come on your lovely belly rubs figs and also attention that's a woman like i just imagined mifusela with a fag in her mouth you know just gone like uh trying to pick pollock i haven't heard that name in years. You know, I just, I've put our personality on her as well. Like, and trauma. Like, I think Methusa's had four divorces.

No, if she's a she, surely all her husbands just die. Her lungfish husbands just die. No, that's spiders. You just swim through the sperm. That's hell. That's the title of her book. Isn't it? By the way, all of this assumes there's more than one species of fish.

I'm not sure. Really? I personally believe there's only one species of fish. What's that? I think it's catfish are pretending to be other fish. With like little moustaches and stuff. I just think there's only catfish in the world and everything else is a really elaborate prank

that's all the time we have for that fish story because there's more fish stories in the fish section this is the story of goldfish who have learned to drive Neil Delamere can you unpack this clown car of not clown fish for us this is the university in Israel I think it's in Negev um uh which i love

the fact that it's in israel uh like the really really clever people have just looked out the window and thought this conflict seems intractable let's teach fish how to drive so so they got goldfish and i think the justification for this is something i read the app actually read the kind of the justification for this is something i read the app actually read the kind of abstract from the experiment and it seemed to be navigation is important in animals so we talk all fish out the drive i mean that was pretty much it so they put them in tanks and um uh basically there was a reward at some point wait wait wait this is israel specifically fish tanks fish tanks ah Fish tanks. Fish tanks. Ah, right, right, right. The American support for Israel has really, really been extensive throughout the years.

We've given you lots of money for weapons, but we think maybe we need to go species down. So yes, they put them in fish tanks and there was a reward at one part of the room and basically they trained the fish and the fish, if they swam in that direction, the motorized tank moved in that direction, and they could maneuver around the room.

It's not that impressive because the tank is automatic. If the fish was full on changing gears, I would be very impressed with that. I don't know how they thought of this. I don't know how. Like, there's two scientists going, well, I love the Fast and the Furious, and he loves Finding Nemo, so we combined our passions and came up with this fish experiment but it means

that they have some sort of spatial awareness and um until you've seen like a carp parallel park on youtube yeah i think science has gone too far to to be honest with you. I think they haven't even really perfected boiling the bag fish. So why are they making fish drive? You know, boiling the bag fish is bad fish to eat. And why are you teaching them how to drive unless you know how to cook them properly in quick circumstances? You raise a good point. This is the beginning of a long, long reputation to the old adage, you you know a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle the first in eight experiments which end with him riding up to a front door and going madam

i did read this story and go great now i'm jealous of a goldfish like because i can't drive and like you know it's just another thing that i might have to give a hand job to once to get a lift is like how do you do that with fish stroke that fin stroke it yeah i'm allison i like belly rubes what do you like that's fine about the okay the fish can drive but back to alice's point about memory they can't remember where they park if they can ever actually drive that three second memory thing it's going to be

difficult surely isn't it? They're going to have a terrible time in Ikea. It's just going to be loads of stressed fish flapping about in the car park. Stressed fish is a

type of bookcase in Ikea. Yes. Yeah. Your ad section now because the alternative is facing a bleak and empty world free of commercial publicity

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Whey! ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has...

Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. That's all the time we have for our ad section because now it's time for our relationships section.

Breaking news in relationships. People are having less sex. Neil Delamere, you're on Strictly slash Dancing with the Stars. Can you unpack this story for us? You're a sex correspondent yes you're trading so much you're having less sex than ever please talk about that situation yes so there's various surveys all across the world that suggest that people are having less less sex and they are having less sex in all ways essentially they are having less partnered sex they are having uh and this is

the weird one for me the most concerning finding from a comedian's point of view there's a huge drop-off in teenage masturbation now this is one of the great comedy tropes if teenage boys don't fiddle with themselves what are we going to talk about my mother-in-law is already making life difficult by being a lovely person like what is next will they improve airline food i have already noticed that my dog and cat have largely similar personalities so i would be slightly worried about what way this is going so apparently all across the across the world, people are having less sex. I think it's something like 50% of adolescent males now

are saying that they don't masturbate and it's something like well over 70% of adolescent females. The thing about this is, what is going to be interesting is the advertising industry, what are they going to do? Because they use sex to sell

every single product. So if we're no longer interested in sex, what is going to happen because they use sex to sell every single product so if we're no longer interested in sex what is going to happen every every perfume ad next year will have to imply that you have some something else attractive some other uh attractive quality imbued into your personality by using like punctuality by calvin klein or table manners a scent for a man or a woman we don't know what is going to happen. The world is going to change. There's various explanations for video games, social media, and people having just less time, I suppose.

And I think that it's amazing that posting on social media has made masturbation go down. Because I feel like reading most of my Twitter timeline, it is people just essentially wanking on about stuff. Yeah. You know, it does feel like that. We need to make masturbation

a TikTok craze. That's the only way it will increase. Oh, do you want to start a new dance, Neil? I think you will get done. Like, you know, that would be a very controversial way for you as a comedian to go down. Maybe a few years ago,

but I think there's people who have done that. I think I've actually, now that I say it, I think if I did that I'd be accused of not being weird but being derivative. Oh it's very hack nowadays to be sexually weird.

Yes. In front of a camera. I think the amazing thing is that for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years they've been trying to get young men to stop wanking. I mean they tried cornflakes, they tried shame, and all they needed was unlimited porn and like complicated sexual politics. Well, speaking as somebody who has been a teenage boy, they're still going to have the same number of erections. Now, what are they going to do with them?

Because I don't know if you know, but like literally when you're a teenager anything can set it off a pleasant bus journey the curvature of a sparrow's wing i mean at any moment do you know what i mean like shapely cheese anything at all anything at all so i don't know what those poor young lads are going to do. The other weird, that weird, listen, whatever you're into yourself, but I found an odd finding was that the majority of college students, I think this is in the US, are into rough sex specifically. Oh yeah, it's sort of ruffly sex, you know, just sort of. Yeah, it's always ruffly.

You realise how vanilla you are, though. I would like to see somebody go, I'm into rough sex, but it's just you and your missus dresses up in Elizabethan collars. Pigeonhole me now, motherfucker. Pigeonhole me not being a so weird euphemism. Isn't there some sort of law on the internet that if you can think of it, they've that if you can think of it

they've made a porno out of it yeah i would watch that that rough the elizabethan porn that would be like be watching it'd be like watching two dogs with uh safety cones around their necks trying to go at it you know although sorry i have to say one thing. Over Christmas, my sister has a dog called Rio who was absolutely relentlessly humping this Lilo and Stitch doll. Which was it, Lilo or Stitch? Oh, the blue one. No, not the little girl. The blue one.

I would have stopped. But he was shagging this blue doll and do you know what was weird at one point he stopped and he got his paw and he turned around the teddy so the teddy was looking at him and then he started humping it again and that's when I that's when I was like this is unnatural

this needs to stop I felt sick it was the eye contact that made it it was yeah which goes to show my list it was the kissing that made it. It was? Yeah. Which goes to show my list. No, no kidding. It was the kissing that made it.

When he sang her a song that was just weird. I had a dog once who got an operation and didn't realise that that would have an echo effect. So barked

and the bark in his ears because he was wearing a cone was much louder than he expected and he scared himself it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen oh that's so cute I'm glad we've ended this on cuteness yes I'm also very glad

it's a palate cleanser for us all well that is all the time that we have for our relationships section unless any of you have any relationship advice for young people out there don't don there don't don't

don't don't you want me baby yeah there we go don't don't work as a waitress in a cocktail bar you know and then

expect someone to save you because they won't they'll sing a song about you and be an absolute prick for the next 30 years that's my relationship

I mean it wouldn't really fit on a tea towel Alison but it's good advice. It is good advice. I've got an advice tea towel for you. It says, not all good advice can fit on a tea towel. But no, whether it fits on a tea towel or not

has nothing to do with how good it is as advice. Yeah, sometimes you need nuance. And, you know, nuance doesn't fit on a tea towel. I don't know if you've been paying attention to the world for the last 30 years, but nuance is not something we're interested in. It's very unfashionable, isn't it? Like missionary. It's just something that we should bring back.

Turns out that's what teenage boys erections needed was nuance all along. It's the spine of each boner this subtle bit of ambiguity nuance the new calvin klein smells like loads of different things it's complicated won't fit on the label of the perfume bottle make up your own minds yeah that's great that's good i'm And just someone shrugging at the end. I don't know. You don't know. Nuance.

What do you think it means? Your review section. Now every week, our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars. Neil Delamere, what have you brought in to review? I, in an act of narcissism,

I'm going to review Dancing with the Stars, Ireland. Yes, yes, yes. I'm going to give it five stars. It has been the most enjoyable thing I've done in ages. I dressed in, you should have seen the outfit for the first one, doing the Paso Doble. I was dressed with epaulets and sequins. A look I would describe as half John Collins, half Colonel Gaddafi.

It was amazing. It was like Elton John half Colonel Gaddafi. It was amazing. It was like Elton John at an Orange Order parade. It was fantastic. Some of the Latin dances are very old fashioned in terms of, it's quite hard to argue against the patriarchy when your dancer says now in this dance, the man is the matador and the woman is the cape. Not even the bull. not even the bull not even the bull

it's hard to argue against the patriarchy when there's two of you in the dance and only one of you is human so i would suggest that they have a bit of a way to go but it's it's it's been brilliant crack so far i have to say uh so i would give it five stars. Yeah, I'd give you five stars, Neil. Do it for team comedy. Team comedy. I'm doing it for team dance. Team dance? Yeah. Oh, I've changed since we spoke last, Alison. I am hardcore

into this. Well, you see, people don't notice I've studied the three major forms of dance. Contemporary, river and flash. So yeah, I'm all over this. I'm getting on well with my dancer. She's brilliant.

She listens to her voicemails at double speed, which I think is... That's interesting, isn't it? She's so little time in her life. So I deliberately, when I ring her and leave her voicemail message,

I speak at half speed to annoy her. At least you know if you have an affair with her it'll be over quickly that goes for any affair I've ever had or indeed encounter Alison of all the men you know would you say I am the least likely

to have ever had a fake spray tan applied before dancing with the Stars. Genuinely, Neil, I thought you were going to say a fair, and I was like, yes, Neil, you're the least nice. That's good. But spray tan as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I've had one. I've had one. You've had one? Yeah. Well, once you're standing there in your jocks and a woman... Do you have to wear paper knickers? No, but I do anyway. Okay.

Fair enough. She just sprays you like a kind of battered Ford Transit and you just have a chat and it's like she's tagging a wall with graffiti. I thought that, yeah. She signed her name on my bum,

which I thought was weird. But it's weird because you just kind of get used to anything and you just have to surrender yourself to the whole process. But it's very enjoyable. So five stars from me. Oh, beautiful. My review today, Alice, is Eating Pink Chicken.

I'm reviewing Eating Pink Chicken. It happened to me yesterday. I went to a place that did a meal deal for 20 quid. I was listening to a very horrible audio book about the patriarchy and decided you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go and get myself a 20 quid meal deal in this shop. And I went in

and I had a chicken soup which was fine. There was white chicken in that with like noodles and stuff like that. And then I ordered chicken thighs on roasted vegetables and I could see it was not cooked properly. But I didn't want to be rude to the waiter. So I just ate the pink chicken.

And I swear to God, I am going to make tea towels that say, it's not polite to eat pink chicken. Don't do it. I mean, who was I trying to save? Whose feelings was I trying to... I looked at it it was uh it was that weird thing of like um i would describe it as a sunset over a misty moor do you know it was pink and gray at the same time uh which is a beautiful image for a landscape but not so good

for cooked chicken that should have been a there should be a like you, you know, that old saying, Red Sky at night, shepherd's delight. Pink chicken in the evening. You're going to be very unwell in the morning. And I'm going to give it one star out of five. One star out of five. Pink chicken in the evening, you're going to be heaving. There we go. There we go.

I wish it was just heaving, though, Neil. Like, we need to add a bit more nuance to that. Okay, okay. I've got this, I've got this. Pink chicken in the evening, you're going to be heaving and then PTO on the bottom of the tea towel,

out of your arse. That's my PTO on everything, is out of your arse. If the chicken is pink, you'll shit in the sink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If the chicken is pink, you'll shit in the sink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If the chicken is pink, it's going to be stink.

You know, it's not going to happen. So pink chicken, one star. One star. But I would give the restaurant three stars. I shouldn't have went in. It was empty. Why did I think it?

I was like, oh, this is going to be a cool new spot that no one knows about. And it's just genuinely because their food hygiene is very bad. I like the way you said it happened to me. That was the phrase you used. I let it happen to you. It happened to me.

Let's discuss this. You actively did this to yourself. Somebody held you down a chicken ran over plucked itself killed itself in front of you but made sure it was far enough away from a heat source to not cook itself.

Yes. And with its dying breath, because it could still move around after it's headless, jumped into your waiting mouth. Yes. I can't believe that you were nodding along to a book about the oppressions that are put onto women to consent to things that they're not entirely comfortable with

while gagging down raw chicken. Inedible. The one thing that you are not meant to eat. Yes, because I wanted to be polite to the male waiter. Like, genuinely, I need to read that book more. There's a definite issue there. Now it's time for our festival section. This is the most exciting news all week.

You know I love my crypto stuff. This is a video that's gone out publicizing Cryptoland. This is a story that comes around again and again in which crypto utopians, crypto maximalists try to leap forth from the mainstream of society and create their own society of crypto bros and sisters and inevitably fall short at the feet of something like rubbish collection.

Neil Delamere, you've got crypto bros. What is this story about? Yes, some crypto bros are trying to buy an island in Fiji and set up crypto land. And you can use NFTs to buy parcels of land. It's about a square mile, I think it is. And this sounds like an absolutely disastrous idea. I'll be perfectly honest with you.

Some will argue that this is about the evolution of money. And we know that money was salt and it was gold. It was cattle in Ireland for a long time. Then coins, then notes. I'd argue notes are better than cattle. Have you ever tried to snort coke through a heifer? Very difficult. Very, very difficult.

It's got four stomachs. Oh, it's got four stomachs. I mean, she has a great time. But I mean, the stuff you get out the other end, not great. I would say it is harder to counterfeit cattle. So that is a plus for them. Like you can't walk into a shop and go, please. Oh, I like your goods.

Please accept this calf as payment. And they're like, that's not a calf. That's a dog in a leather jacket. You're fooling nobody. Actually, they're all just catfish. It's a cattle fish. Pretend the catfish have jumped or pretend to be other species it's evolution um but this sounds like it sounds like a ponzi scheme like you pay for

stuff in cryptocurrency and the the shortened version of the cryptocurrency like eth is ethereum and this is a con and And you're like, hmm. You can't say they weren't warned. You can't say. What's amazing about this place is that there's been some questions on Twitter. Somebody asked, what is the age of consent on Cryptoland? And Cryptoland replied from their

official Twitter account said, mental maturity should be more than enough uh winky winky smiley face which i like imagine imagine going to court and uh you know you're you're under the fence you're like excuse me your honor the mental maturity should be more than enough smiley winky face like and then they tried to say that uh that that what kind of island are they trying to build? I mean, this island's already been done. You know, a pioneer in that market would have been Epstein.

But it's just a very, very weird thing. It feels like Disneyland in a way, that it's really there for emotionally immature people and weird older people who should know better. You know, it feels like disneyland in that respect except in the way that it isn't like disneyland in that there aren't people who are going to think through the complex logistics of actually running a society these are people who will say the market will decide and the market will decide that nobody can have any milk the market will decide why hasn't it rained. Yeah. Good luck with that.

The Nasdaq has decided there's no food today. Well, the market does know best. Listen, that's going to turn into Lord of the Flies within about an hour, I'd say. Oh, definitely. Absolutely. These bros battering the shit out of each other with racquetball or squash

or whatever the fuck these people play in films. Listen, put down your... Strangling each other with red braces. That's how I imagine it in my head. Fantasising about an island like this is what young teenage boys do now instead of masturbating. Like, this is, unfortunately...

Did you guys actually watch the video? It's completely bananas. It's incredibly bananas. What's the name of that mascot? The coin thing? Number one, what's bananas about? They're all white people depicted in it. Did you notice that?

Like the island is filled with white people. There's no people of colour on their depiction of what this island is going to be. I really hope that this whole scheme is from somebody who is a person of colour. Yeah, just put them all on an island. Yeah, yeah. Ha ha.

Push it out to sea. I was watching it and going, this Ponzi scheme needs more representation. Like, I'm looking at this and I'm going like, where are the people of colour on this weird Ponzi island? Everybody should have a chance

to lose all their money and be bereft for the rest of their on this weird Ponzi island? Everybody should have a chance to lose all their money and be bereft for the rest of their lives. Absolutely. Absolutely. And the way they treat women on it, that whole video, what is it, like 12 minutes long? That they made? And they even have like a,

they have a behind the scenes kind of clip of like, we worked for years on this. And you're like, what? The bottom half of the helicopter isn't even animated properly like it's very don't tell me how much time you spent on this very very bad depiction it's like it's like a child bringing you up a macaroni picture and you know you're looking at it's like i took three years to make this and i'm like i'm now unimpressed i was impressed before but now you've told me how long it's taken you, and now I take back

my impressed. I love how specific that is. The bottom half of the helicopter was not animated properly. Please can we get rid of one judge from Dragon's Den and put Alison Spittel there. Some guy comes in with a new cryptocurrency that will actually probably

work and revolutionise the world, and Alison's like, your left shoe, the heel is slightly more scuffed than the right shoe. Africa will not get microfinance. Bye-bye. I was just looking at it going, this walking coin isn't walking properly. Like, that is not the natural movement

of a coin. What's this coin made out of? Is it meat or is it metal? Because it's moving like a meaty coin and that freaked me out. what's this coin made out of? Is it meat or is it metal? Because it's moving like a meaty coin and that freaked me out. The natural movement of a coin is rolling or at rest. Absolutely.

I would suggest walking in any way she... Absolutely. Being flicked by a referee. That's about it. Yeah. No, this walking coin with sunglasses on who's shouting memes. I was looking at that going, that's not realistic.

Being flicked by a lord to a peasant stable boy. Sorry, carry on. Yes, resting on a dead Greek's eyes. There we go. Not conning a young man out of his money by offering him the chance to look at three different women in the eye and eventually bring one to a boat. It was so weird.

The whole depiction, it was kind of going, please come to our island, you can f*** one of these three women that we have working in the service industry in the island, which is not weird at all. Like, it was just very odd. It was just... How did you feel about it, Alice?

I felt deeply awkward about it. As I said, I think this is an odd sort of teen boys fantasy slash advertisement for the new season of The Bachelor, which I, for one, will be watching. When they all turn in desperation to one another, you know, strange things happen at sea. International waters. International waters.

There's no way to consent. Smiley winky face. Well, mental maturity should be the measure in which case none of them get to f*** it all I know yeah that would be great

if they got to that island and you're like it's illegal to f*** like you cannot there's a 14 year old girl going sorry mate you're not mentally mature enough for me

I think any law that has a smiley winky face after is slightly worrying I know like if they went absolutely rob the bank we don't have the death penalty in this state I love that you think that's

the sound effects but it is I closed my eyes and I was like he's winking okay I'll tell you we're going to find out if I'm right or wrong. People are going to listen to this podcast and they're going to go,

what do they imagine in their head when I do this? Hmm. You sound like Elvis mid-coiffus. And then at the end, thank you very much. Elvis has left the building. Elvis has left the building. He's left the building.

And that's all the time we have for the magazine this week. We're flipping through the ads at the end of the magazine. Neil, do you have anything to plug other than yourself on Dancing with the Stars Ireland? No, I'm doing a tour, so they can check out the dates on neildellamere.com forward slash gigs

and that's it yeah I'll be around and about Alison have you got anything to plug yeah I'm gonna plug my podcast I got

Wheel of Misfortune on BBC Sounds we got some great guests coming up Mark Watson is gonna be on soon and we've had Neil Delamere on before

and I'd love to get you on Alice by the way that would be so freaking cool also I'm on social media at Alice and Spill and at Instagram as well but I am giving it up so you can go there and follow me and then just you know

know that I'm okay by not posting and when I do post you go Alison please stop posting on social media and eating pink chicken. You need to turn your life around. And yeah, so I'm asking the listeners to help me in my life and to keep me on the right path of, you know, white chicken. And it's fully cooked and a brain that's not destroyed by the discourse. Well, if you want to stay on the right path, I know some goldfish with an excellent sense of direction.

Go and seek out both of these guests. I'm Alice Fraser. You can find me online at at alliterative, A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E on Instagram and Twitter or look me up on patreon.com

slash alicefraser. It's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts, blogs and upcoming dates as well as my weekly tea with Alice salons. You're listening to The Gargle.

It is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Christopher Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.