The Gargle - Flapjack tax | Kindergarten tequila | Porn sold

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

John Robertson and Charlie George join host Alice Fraser for episode 58 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🍰 Flapjack tax🍹 Kindergarten tequila�� Parents sell porn collection🐦 'First tweet' NFT❤️ ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. It's past midnight in the bad part of town and you're wearing a suit made entirely of diamonds. Why not walk down a dark alley? But something's wrong. Why are all these people here? Why do they have so many knives? Is that one carrying a chain? Suddenly you're surrounded.

They want your diamond suit even though it wouldn't fit any of them. Surely they don't expect you to walk home naked. They do. You're beginning to panic until you look up and see the silhouette perfectly framed by the full moon. A second later, there's a cry of pain. And then another, a flurry of justice or extreme violence. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

You're safe. Thanks to your hero. Thanks to the gargle. The Sonic Glossy Magazine. To the Bugles Audio Newspaper for Visual World, all of the news, none of the politics. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Charlie George and John Robertson. Welcome to the show. Hey! Hi!

How are you? I've just survived a little exercise in noir. Thank you for that there, Alice. That was a delight. little exercise in noir. Thank you for that there, Alice. That was a delight. I'm thinking about getting some diamonds on my new suit because that sounds great. I want to be bejewelled as I run away from strangers down the street. Yeah, I'm thinking about snapping my fingers

and being scared of shadows and mist. It's working for me. Oh, that's exciting. I like that. Let's take hands and leap together into the trust exercise that is this week's edition. But first, let's have a pe leap together into the trust exercise that is this week's edition but first let's have a peep at the front page front cover this week is invictus games athletes posing for a photo barely visible behind megan

markle hysterical cartoon this week is the netflix board in a crisis meeting executive one saying our subscriber numbers have gone down for the first time in 10 years we need to do something to get people back the executive two says what if we add ads it's fun i am one of the 200 000 people who have uh gotten rid of my netflix subscription this quarter in q1 either view netflixionados. Well, I just got rid of mine as well. And I think what tipped me over the edge was the show Is It A Cake? I watched that and I felt so disturbed and enraged at the same time. Like it was such an intense feeling that I was like, no, it has to stop now.

Yeah, did you feel like you could just do that at home, just like with any item? Because that's what I did. I just went, oh, I can just bite the television. Is it cake? No, it isn't. I feel like I figured this out when I was two. Well, it was just a meme, wasn't it?

It was a meme that went around with cake-making people who did things on Instagram and stuff. And so it's just been lifted wholesale because nobody owns anything on the internet. And as people who create things and put them on the internet i think it's sort of inherently structurally frustrating to see somebody just lift something and be like why not i make money out of it yeah it's like watching a meme into a tv show was was what was excruciating excruciatingly painful also there was a moment

where he just got out a sword and was too proud of himself you know like stuff like that that really upset me yeah i think what gets me is you'll see content stolen from the internet and sometimes they're like, oh, but it's never mine. You know, come on. Give me some of this sweet dollar dollar or more to the point. Give me at least the chance to put out one bitter tweet because I invented the idea of comedians sitting

in a car talking to each other. Well, let's jump into our top section for this week. Our top section is, speaking of cake, cake tax news. Is it cake tax? It is. The UK courts have once again, all law students will remember fondly the Jaffa Cakes scandal slash legal ruling. UK courts have once again had to answer the question what is a cake

the answer not a flapjack like religion cakes bring joy and meaning to people's lives are better with cream and are tax exempt in the uk thanks to this ruling sellers of flapjacks will now have to pay taxes perversion of justice or time to redefine flapjacks as a religion. John Robertson, you are familiar with religion. How do you feel about flapjacks? I would gladly redefine flapjacks as a religion for you because let's put it this way, I've bitten into a few where I was like, this might actually be a relic of the true cross. This is just some dry, hideous sawdust.

What I need right here is just a bit of meat on the front of it to give it some actual moisture. And if that meat happens to be the king of the Jews, well, that's just what's happening. I mean, after Easter, come on. Yeah, well, he's back now. Get some Christ jerky up here. Charlie George?

I love flapjack. I'm a huge fan. But then I am also a huge fan of dry sponge. So I don't know that I should be trusted to like I like my cake dry and this makes me think of the great Lent scone debate do you remember that one there was one where like this woman had given up cake for Lent and then they they um they had a whole debate about whether scones were cake or or bread I mean that really would be is this cake that that show it shouldn't just be illusory boxes and shoes and things that turn out to be cake on the inside.

It should just be actual baked goods and questioning the existential categorisation of various forms of confectionery. Yeah, you just want some sort of wry British barrister who this is clearly the finest day of their lives. They're about 65. Well, I think you'll find I've got the most marvellous notion for an argument. Marie Antoinette said, let them eat brioche. It's been often translated as let them eat cake, but is brioche a cake?

Yeah, I would watch that Netflix show. I submit to you this evidence. It's all delicious. Well, I loved that, like, some of the responses to this debate were hilarious. It was like, in the dictionary to this debate were hilarious it was like in the dictionary it says it's a cake google says it's a bread i would believe the dictionary because it's been around longer than google there was also someone else who was like uh to me it's like saying quiche is a pie or a pizza it's neither a quiche is a quiche and a scone is a scone this

is so reassuring to me as somebody who's been witnessing the what is a woman debate for the last four years. At least people are this passionate about every irrelevant categorisation debate. And also the answer is the same. It doesn't matter as long as you're delicious. Exactly. You know, and a quiche is a quiche. I just love saying that. That's just so nice.

But I thought it was quite harsh that they were like, cakes are typically eaten at celebratory functions. No one eats a quiche for a celebration. No, no, they eat it to be like disappointed, don't they? But I thought it was quite harsh on flapjack because I love a flapjack and I thought about some celebrations where you could have a flapjack and where it would be good. And I thought like a barn dance, finding a jumper that doesn't scratch, successfully avoiding a wasp at a picnic.

I mean, yes. Maybe like finding you've got wipes in your bag on a coach trip stuff like this this is where you would celebrate with a with a flapjack you know like i know it's not proper party food but i'm open to it i mean we're going to return to the fact that in australia a flapjack is a kind of a pancake and what you call a flapjack we call sort of maybe a muesli bar but it's not quite a muesli bar it's sort of a less healthy muesli bar what you have it's an oat bar i guess a porridge bar a flapjack is a porridge bar which isn't an exciting thing is it but can that be porridge if it's now a geometric shape that isn't round in a bowl these are the things we must consider well i mean this is also the problem is I don't celebrate by eating cake. I celebrate by flinging myself into the ocean.

That's what I do. They're putting a tax on it. I have a friend who learned how to make quiche. It's a slightly older friend with now grown adult children. And she said, I learned to make quiche in the 80s and then all my children got fat. It was cake the whole time. It was cake.

She was perfecting her quiche recipe on her children and then she realised that they'd all just, having quiche every night is not exactly the most wholesome exercise. I hate to say this to your friend, but the trick is not to add chocolate to the quiche. This has been cake, cake, damn it. But were any of her children called Lorraine, which is also a good way to celebrate someone with the quiche. This has been cake. Cake, damn it. But were any of her children called Lorraine, which is also a good way to celebrate someone with a quiche.

That is true. The only person who can have a birthday quiche is someone whose name is Lorraine. Can we put that into law? Yeah, I'm determined to have my new catchphrase be, well, a quiche is a quiche. You know, just say that randomly at different places. Get the merch printed. Quiche, sirrah, sirrah.

Whatever will be, will be. No, it won't. It'll be quiche. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. But what you can buy is ad space on the gargle. Email us at hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com. You love doing the dishes but hate that you can't eat the sponge. Satiate your relatable cravings with Swiss cheese.

Swiss cheese, the sponge you can eat. Oh, my gosh. From the people who brought you masculinity, bromance, toxic masculinity, and homosocial bonding over heterosexual urges in locker rooms everywhere because there's nothing more manly than sharing a boner over a nice lady, this year's gritty reboot of manhood, the new new man's man's man masculinity, it's bromeopathy. Dilute your masculinity with a couple of centuries of increasingly effective technology to replace your biological advantages in strength and aggression, and then express an exaggerated

sense of masculinity in the form of angry memes and extremely hardcore podcast listening about the nature of man. Rise with your brothers in arms and insist on your man-won right to watch YouTube videos about how society is becoming increasingly feminized. And that's a bad thing because you don't just get to be the CEO by arm-wrestling the other dude to death anymore. Not since the 80s. Bromiopathy. Less manly is more manly. A piece of space debris just pierced the International Space Station. Now you're hurtling through space. But you're no fancy astronaut with a fancy space suit. You're a rapidly suffocating competition winner. You need half a glass of air. Half a glass of air. Get one free with every half glass of water.

Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has broom gate. It's a story of broken relationships,

houses divided corporate rivalry and a performance enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com. Now it's time for our drunk kindergartners section a kindergarten in michigan got wild after one of the kids accidentally brought in a bottle of tequila this is a true story thankfully no serious damage was done that was difficult to tell exactly how drunk the children were because all children behave like they are very drunk at all times how do you get someone to say the alphabet backwards when they haven't learned it forwards yet?

How do you get someone to touch their nose if they don't know where their nose is and they think you're trying to steal it? Charlie George, you've been tricked as a child. Can you unpack this story? Well, yeah, basically some kindergartners, which I looked up and I thought it might be slightly older than this, but no, it's ages 3.5 to 6.

Brought some mum juice in, that's what I'm calling it, mum juice, and yeah, were caught drinking it in school. What I want to know is where was the kindergarten cop when this happened? You know, are you telling me the school doesn't have like an Arnold Schwarzenegger type as an undercover cop subbing for his partner with a stomach flu as a level of security? They don't, apparently. It as a level of security they don't apparently it was in their backpack and they didn't check they kept referring to it in this story as liquor they found liquor on the children and i love how they use the word liquor in america

like it always makes me feel like they're in some kind of old fussy musical like i was in the first grade prepping for my spelling bee when i fell hard for the jazz and liquor don't blame me blame my mother's unlocked cabinet and those pesky palindromes that drove me to the stars but my favorite bit of the story is in a statement the school said that the faculty called poison control when they learned that the children had been drinking margaritas and I want to know what like like what a unit what is their vehicle gonna be like whatgaritas. And I want to know, like, what a unit. What is their vehicle going to be like? What's their theme tune?

I want to see their documentary series. Next time on Poison Control, we prize paracetamol from the paws of preschoolers. John Robertson, have you ever tried to get a bunch of kindergartners drunk? I know you've tried to get them high on your show. No, I've never once managed to try to get them drunk. I know why the kindergarten cop wasn't there. I can tell you exactly why the kindergarten cop wasn't there, because it was a tumour.

There we go. There's a terrible old callback. My favourite part of the story is where one of the parents says, oh, the kids just got a little dizzy and they got a little, like got a little dizzy and got a little woozy. And I'm like, which dad did you interview who went, I'm going to tell you how much my son can hold his liquor at five. He was just a little dizzy.

He was just a little woozy. Yeah, I mean, I feel like this is sort of one of those no harm done situations except that no one wants to know that their child got drunk at school. situations except that no one wants to know that their child got drunk at school uh but also i mean who lets children serve each other drinks even if it's not alcohol like even if it's not alcohol it's going to be something that i found in a cupboard like they're just lucky it wasn't drano you know yeah and you know you know what as well that's probably how poison control felt they must have been overjoyed like they show up and of course they're thinking to themselves oh here it comes here comes the fatality of the children like they're just a little sleepy one of them's trying to sing karaoke but he doesn't know what it is

this is the best day we've ever had there's one of them that didn't even drink any of the liquor just drank some apple juice and he's like i feel so drunk yeah there's one of them crying about his ex-wife but he's five. They're always making up and breaking up those relationships in the playground, aren't they? I remember when that happened. Yes, I had a girlfriend at the start of lunchtime and by the end of lunchtime we hadn't seen each other so we weren't holding hands anymore.

It was a great day and entirely my fault. Anyway. Also the idea that marriage is just holding hands the whole time and the moment you stop holding hands you're not married anymore that i think would make for a more interesting world it works for otters i mean that's how kardashians do it to be fair that's all the time we have for our junk kindergartners news because now it's time for our reviews section as you know each week our guest editors bring in something to review out of five stars john robertson what have you brought in for us? Well, about half an hour ago, I went to the shops

to buy a number of cleaning products and some thrilling deionized water for my Venus flytrap. And I don't know what it was that was apparently an 18 plus thing that I'd gotten. You know, perhaps you can't have too pure a water, you know, if you're a child. Well, especially in Michigan, as it turns out. And what happened was I was carded twice. The guy asked me to remove my mask and looked at me and I put it back. And then he asked me to do it again. And at the age of 36, literally double the age of consent, literally two, two teenagers

having a great night out in one body, being carded twice by the same man to buy things that i use to do boring activities five stars everybody five stars makes you feel young young and boring just like i was charlie george what have you brought in for us to review I am going to review being in love yeah um I recently fell in love with someone I've known for eight years who came back into my life and I hit the jackpot when they said they love me too which really makes up for all those unrequited years pining for people I never had the courage to speak to due to my social anxiety um neuroscientists argue that human brains are wired for love the brain's 86 billion neurons are involved in the experience. It has profound physical and mental health benefits, such as sleeping better at night, having better blood pressure.

People in love tend to have better immune systems. So basically, you know, it's a biological necessity. Just as we need clean water or nutritious food, we need love. You know, being lonely activates the same areas of the brain that register physical deprivation like hunger or thirst so essentially yes love lifts us up where we belong where the eagles cry on a mountain high but there is nothing more complex than love because it also makes you feel physically sick and anxious about what there is to lose so you may find yourself spontaneously singing and feeling overwhelming feelings of joy but you may also wake in the night and look at them whilst they're sleeping in terror crying that one day they will inevitably die or worse leave you for someone who doesn't have your specific character

flaws so i have to give love a 4.8 out of 5 it's pretty life-affirming but also terrifying sickening to those around you and and at times too intense to be enjoyable. 4.8 out of 5 stars for love and also congratulations. Thank you. It's very lovely. That makes me feel happy and positive about the world, which I guess is what it's meant to do. I don't want to sound cynical, but if I was that person,

part of me would be going, what is this, 0.2? What have I done? How have I failed you? Well well this obviously can't work i thought this was a five out of it for a man who speaks a lot of nonsense john robertson the idea that you don't want to appear cynical is the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard you say it was good wasn't it goal in life is trying to appear cynical yeah and actually being quite nice secretly on the inside, but wearing black. I am facile as all hell.

You have been read to filth there, but all I can say to both of you is, you know, a quiche is a quiche, Lorraine. Well, that's all the time we have for our beautiful reviews. Now it's time for our porn collection news. What is the worst thing about your parents finding your porn collection having to sue them afterwards an indiana man is suing his parents after they destroyed his quote-unquote very expensive and rare porn collection which

he values at between ten thousand and thirty thousand dollars factoring in emotional attachment his parents claim that they were saving him from a life-destroying addiction. He claims he only bought the porn for the articles. How much is your porn collection worth, Charlie George? Oh my God. Like, does he not know that you can get porn for free? I'm wondering if all of that is the emotional attachment fee.

Because I just feel like, dude, you know, like it's so accessible now. Like, I was thinking about this. I was like, if my parents got rid of my sex toys and I mean obviously I'm admitting that I get my porn for free because I don't want to store it um I would be annoyed but like embarrassed and ashamed enough to just buy more and maybe bigger and better like sex toys and for my new place you know I wouldn't publicly sue them or send 44 emails to the police

detailing the nature of the items. I kept thinking, like, what would those emails be like? Just like a list of films, Grinding Nemo, Turner and Cooch. Like, just really awful porn names. Like, I just love it so much. I have to tell you that the one with the dog features the original animal. Sorry, anyway, there we go. That was my contribution to that.

Sorry. I mean, yeah, obviously, you know, published pornography is a thing with a history and people like collecting old things usually. I'm assuming this is all like vintage porn because the only other option is that it's like too bad for the internet. You are giving that man too much credit. You have presumed art where there is

nothing but hideousness um like this this isn't even someone who is committed to buying a real doll because that would have been the story you know it would have been strange man who has giant barbie doll that he thinks is a real lover angry right this is someone who at some point or another has gone no no no it's not enough to see it on the computer i simply need to get it in periodical format i'm essentially i'm essentially the manga reader of an anime fan i get the impulse though you know it's the same as the impulse to buy and collect stamps because in both instances you can actually lick them yeah i was thinking like vinyl or something. Like I wonder if they're all in like sort of order,

like you have that kind of feeling towards it. But it doesn't specify what they are. Like, you know, are they DVDs? I've got a feeling a lot of it is vinyl but a lot more of it is latex, yeah. You don't want to shame, you know, like really, really anybody if they're doing something that's entirely harmless. But this is such a profoundly silly want to shame, you know, like really, really anybody if they're doing something that's entirely harmless. But this is such a profoundly silly thing to do, especially since what happened was the parents sent a note saying,

this is destroying your life, so we've gotten rid of it. And the sons just proved it by going, no, it isn't. Look at my beautiful pornography, everyone. Yes. And it's just after a divorce. I'm like, oh, gee, I wonder why she left, mate. What do you reckon happened if she turns around

and goes no no you keep the sex toys and the $30,000 worth of pornography I wonder who oh that's unfortunately all the time we have for our porn collection news because it's time for our NFT news an NFTft of twitter founder jack dorsey's first tweet sold last year for 2.9 million dollars which is almost the saddest news

except for the new news uh which is that on resale the original highest bid was 277 dollars or 138 after the donation. The current owner tried to sell it and pledged to give half of the money to charity, so now he can only give $138 to charity. I mean, this is really heartbreaking news. John Robertson, you exist online and have some value there. Can you unpack this story for us? I certainly can.

What we've just discovered is, you know what's worth more than an NFT, everyone? Some pornography that you've got an emotional connection to. The idea of the pornography is worth less than the pornography itself. Yeah, this is absolutely incredible and lovely. Because of course, the idea of, you know, NFTs being produced as, oh, this is going to be a new currency. of course the idea of you know nfts being produced as oh this is going to be a new currency this is the forefront of the digital frontier look at what we're doing and of course it's a scam run by the sort of people who wish to feel important and then i don't have a lot of faith in the internet except occasionally the internet will go oh the joke's over now we've

actually had enough and it's usually around the time that you ask somebody to pay for something like oh hey we're doing this now for free on youtube but now it's a subscription service okay we're leaving thanks and in this case it went oh wow how exciting how exciting well this is just stupid and then what do you mean it's for charity so yeah the internet it hates altruism and after a while it just finds something else to be interested in. I just feel for, like, the bid caller. If they do have bid callers for this,

because it sounds like the worst auction chant ever, where, like, you know where they do that kind of cattle rattle, like auctioneering, and then they just have to slowly go down in numbers. It literally just said, just setting up my Twitter. And he didn't even spell, he spelt Twitter T-W-T-T-R. He couldn't even be bothered to spell the full Twitter. Well, he was starting out.

He couldn't afford a vowel yet. He couldn't afford to buy a vowel. He's got to buy that stuff. Instead of selling Jack Dorsey's tweet, he could have sold a bunch of much more interesting tweets. He could have gone for like one of my favourite tweets ever, which is a photo where it says, this is six bags of spinach,

and it's an image of a hilariously small amount of spinach. He could have gone for Mariah Carey screaming the lid off a bottle. Or one of my all-time favourite tweets from Britney Spears. Does anyone think global warming is a good thing? I love Lady Gaga. I think she's really interesting. And that is all the time we have for NFT News, as I call it, NFT, NFT, NFT, because now we are at the end of this magnificent show.

We're flipping through the ads at the back. Charlie George, have you got anything to plug? Yeah, come to some of my gigs. You can find me online at charliegeorgecomedy.com or on Instagram at charliegeorgecomedy. Excellent. John Robertson, have you got anything to plug other than that you've just bought

$30,000 worth of vintage porn? It's going so well. We're going to convert it to a non-fungible form. Yeah, you can come see me. I'm on twitch.tv slash robertron ten times a week. All of my live gigs are at thejohnrobertson.com Touring around the UK,

pop on by. And you think he's saying ten times a week in an exaggerated lol, who would be ten times a week? He's actually on ten times a week. This is one of the most productive men in comedy and I think you should support him very much. I'm your host Alice Fraser. Find me online at onalliterative on Twitter and Instagram.

It's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. Or support me on Patreon at patreon.com slash alicefraser. I am on tour at the moment at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. I will be in Sydney and then in Perth and then in London and then in London and then in Edinburgh thereafter. So follow me on Twitter and Instagram for updates about that. Thank you to our roving reporters as ever, Stefan Chilcott, who sent in the Flapjack Tax story,

Kyle, who sent in the Kindergarten Tequila story, Radomio, who sent in the Porn Collection story, David Webb, Kieran Lee, Weston, Richard Edlin, Max Kalika, Cyrus Farivar, GadgetGab, who all sent in the NFT devaluation story, presumably because they think that I've made a lot of fun of NFTs in my time and now I'm getting my comeuppance. The problem is now that they've failed, I feel sorry for them and it doesn't feel like punching up anymore. So that story made me sad. But also thank you. If you would like to be a roving reporter, tweet us at HelloGogglers and send us in a story that you think would be suitable for this august publication. This is a

Beagle Podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you all again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts. Thanks to Bella Hahn and his Texan ranch Magyar Tsarkatanya,

home of his business, HungarianGrey.com. This episode of the podcast is supported by a gargle listener. His family fled the Soviets and moved to America in the 1950s and now raise Hungarian Grey cattle under the principles of passion, excellence and tradition. Including

live animal and genetics on ice, they have the complete genetic profile of this Hungarian breed outside of Europe. They offer genetic material from their greys, including semen and embryos, bull leases and bull and heifer calves for sale. They have the ability to export genetic material and live animals out of the US.

Yes, garglers, Bella is your go-to contact for ethical animal semen purchases. This is a real ad. For more, go to hungariangray.com.