The Gargle - Free billionaire jizz | InfoWars | Celebrity boxing

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

James Nokise and Tom Neenan join host Alice Fraser for episode 183 of The Gargle.💦 Free billionaire jizz🧅 The Onion buys InfoWars🥊 Jake Paul v Mike Tyson🥩 Steakhouse chain ruse🇳🇿 ReviewsWatch on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@BuglePodcastSupport Bugle podcasts here https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateWritten by Alice Fraser, James Nokise and Tom NeenanProduced by Ped Hunter, with executive production from Chris SkinnerHOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a podcast from The Bugle. He taps out his vape pipe and then wipes up the puddle of vape fluid from the battered wooden table. Everyone in Seaside Cove loves Christmas. Except me. Christmas and I, let's just say, we've had our differences. Ever since I took over as the harbour's water patrol, my job's been pretty straightforward, actually. Arresting illegal fishermen, kicking pervert dolphins out of the women's change rooms, swearing off love after my heartbreaking divorce, and jailing the occasional underworld cracker who's got his innumerable tentacles right up the ass of government corruption.

It's a life keeping things running smoothly, but this Christmas call it an old seaman's instinct but I can feel something coming, something stirring in the deep. My guess, harpoon to my head, it's a mermaid coming to teach me to love Christmas, a mafia Kraken coming for revenge, or coming to teach me to love Christmas. A mafia kraken coming for revenge. Or it's the gargle. Welcome to the gargle. The Sonic Blossom Magazine to the Bugles audio newspaper for a visual world.

I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine that brings you all of the news and none of the politics. Our James Nockise. Hello. Hello, how are you? I'm so cold.

And Tom Neenan. Hello. Hello, why are you, can I ask why are you cold? Where are you based currently? I'm in Edinburgh, Tom, and I'm meant to be in the South Pacific and it's minus one, which is not traditional Pacific temperatures. I'm so sorry yes fair enough very cold. Oh dear yeah that's not ideal at all. I was hoping we'd get global warming like if we're gonna have this kind of disaster can it just be you know warmer somewhere but no. No. It's snowing in November. Before we rug up and charge into the snowstorm that is this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine.

The front cover this week is the new Gladiator sequel, the entire cast of the new Gladiator sequel in an arena being forced to kill one another. And that is also the satirical cartoon for this week. Doing double duty. Which brings us to this week's top story. Top story this week is that telegram billionaire Pavel Durov, the extremely interesting character is giving free sperm and IVF to women who want it. He's paying women to take his sperm. Tom Neenan, you're our semen correspondent.

Can you unpack this story for us? I've somehow found myself with that role and I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not sure what to complain yet. First of all, I'm gonna blow your mind. All sperm is free. That is my economic advice for you straight off the top. But yes, in billionaires can't be normal news,

this is the fact that Pavel Durov, who made all his money off Telegram, I love it when I see someone who's become incredibly rich by making something that I have, I mean, I know what Telegram is, but I've never interacted with it in my entire life. In my opinion if you're gonna be a billionaire you have to have created something like Oxygen, Water or Amazon, anything else I don't understand how you've done that. But yeah he's um he's offering women, basically I think what he did

is he went hmm paying for sex is too normal what what can I do to sort of take that sort of interaction and make it stranger? So what he's doing is he's offering free IVF for women, but only if they will sire his children because all billionaires are narcissists and believe that the world would be a better place if it was populated mainly by sort of mini versions of them. It's sort of a fun little pocket eugenics, isn't it? Exactly. The idea that their genetic capacity is sufficiently supreme that it will overcome, for example, not having a loving father in the picture.

He has six children already, doesn't he? So is it five or six children? So he's already sort of on, oh, five children. He's already on his way to sort of repopulate the world. Him and Elon Musk, I'm pretty sure, could start a football team now. So yeah, I don't know why that isn't enough for him. Then again, a billionaire not thinking that, you know,

five is enough is hardly surprising. Maybe he's trying to get a von Trapp family's worth. Yeah. That's the dream. Maybe it's just the worth. musical theater. Yeah. James, I think if Elon Musk started singing in German, no one would be surprised.

It's a beautiful language. James, I don't know what you're. It's a controversial language for Sam once, but we don't have time to get into that right now. I believe he's under a duro of just to not confuse our billionaire creeps. He's under arrest in France right now, I believe, because Telegram is an incredibly toxic communication system that seems to be used a lot by white supremacists and terrorists. And he's gone, well, if I'm under arrest, I might as well get breeding.

I'm just envisioning him in a prison cell out the window throwing what appears to be a white dog, but it's just a fistful of gum. He's really gone for the monkey see monkey do impregnating style there. Just throw your jizz at women. It's always suspect when someone's trying to create Horcruxes on the fly. I had no idea that the telegram was used by white supremacists and I'm feeling very smug right now that I said I'd never used it earlier. You passed Tom, you passed the test. We didn't want to tell you before the podcast started but you've passed.

Thank goodness. Telegram sort of styles itself as the Switzerland of apps of just going look we don't take any sides, we don't show anything to police. It's just, we're not doing it like we're just keeping our hands off everything. And we just happen to be accumulating vast quantities of, of liberated art from people that we're not asking any questions about. Uh, I think is the outcome. I, you know, it's a matter of principle. These are libertarians.

They believe you should be able to have free speech, even if the free speech is planning out a bomber restroom. It's a delightful place. And now there's going to be more of him or not, depending on whether you believe in nature or nurture. Can I send a message to Pavel Durov in the manner of a telegram? Can I send him a message just saying, please stop? That's my little bit of telegram thing before you there.

They'll be talking about you on telegram now. Oh, damn it. They'll be talking about all of you on telegram now. There'll be a big message list. And they'll be like, we've got to get him. We've got to get Tom. And they'll be like, what does he look like? They'll be like, he's a white Englishman

with glasses and a cardigan and then half of Cambridge is going to be wiped out. The collateral damage will be worth it if I'm still standing. I mean, at least he's not as bad as the YouTuber Jonathan Major, who was a Dutch crypto investor, who was suspected of fathering more than 550 children and was ordered by the courts to stop donating sperm. So, you know, he's got a long way to go there. When you have the sperm donation, you know, there's a little, from what I understand, anyway, there's a small description that they give of, you know, of the person. Does that

include the word billionaire? Because, and do people see that as a positive thing? Because do people know that wealth cannot be genetically passed down, unless you know a lot of good tax loopholes and sort of are in direct contact with the person who's donating the sperm? Or were born in the Middle Ages. Ah, very true. I don't think billionaires use sperm banks. I think it's just sperm crypto. They just jack off onto the screen and it just absorbs. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. And this section of the podcast is brought to you by Windows at Night. Night Windows.

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and rich that you can afford a barely tolerable experience of the media they're serving you. Yep that's what this section of the podcast is brought to you by. And that brings us to our meta commentary section now. This is the news that satirical news outlet The Onion has won an auction in the bankruptcy proceedings of Alex Jones to buy Infowars, the website that Alex Jones has been using to perpetrate his whatever it is that he's perpetrating for the last way too long. James Nookise, you understand nonsense when you hear it. Can you unpack this story for us?

Well, I must admit, Alice, I was a little bit confused at first, because up until this point, I had assumed that this was like a Marvel team up between satirical websites. I didn't realize that Alex Jones was not in fact, I have been operating this whole time thinking that, like Al Murray's, the pub landlord, Alex Jones is one of the great satirical characters of our, our time a Southern Baptist Sasha Barrett Cohen, if you will, who'd set up this wonderfully deranged website info wars is like a mocking and then to realize it's it's real was quite a shock. But then to discover that it was both bankrupt and had been bought by the onion that's the America's Satirical website, leading to Alex Jones having meltdowns, which I'm just

going to read a couple of quotes in his style. You tell me truth or satire. Because since the onion has purchased this Jones has gone online and said at any time they could literally just shut us off any minute poof now that is that's the rhythm there is so beautiful there's a backup studio in the Alex Jones network we think ahead this will have a giant Streisand effect they think we're defeated defeated. We're not defeated. I mean, that's four stars, Edinburgh straight away. I like how you put on the voice, but not the accent. It's one or the other with me.

Very specific kind of impression there. At this, you get the voice or you get the accent or you basically get my Samoan father trying to do both. This right? This is the range I'm working in here. Tom, will you be volunteering to work at the new Infowars? I think it sounds reliable. At first I was going to say, I think you've sent me the wrong link because this is good news. And that's quite strange to receive. And I kept on scanning the article being like, oh no, something like, it's going to be bad, like, because obviously this is because the families who were defamed by Alex Jones, and I was like, oh, somehow they won't have agreed to this, or it would be taking money away from them,

and I looked into it and actually they're fully behind the onion buying info wars as well, and I was like, oh, okay, no, I think this is just a net positive piece of news, and that feels fair, in this day and age, in the year of our Lord 2024, that does feel quite odd. I guess the only bad news is that this is such bad news for Alex Jones and I always thought that he looked like a man who it would take one bit of devastating news and he would literally explode.

Like he looks like he's been on the verge of exploding for about four years and I thought we're gonna see it. It's gonna be like when people put elastic bands around a melon and like as you put more and more on you're just waiting for that glorious moment and sadly he is still in one piece but for how long? That's what we've got to ask ourselves. I want to be there when he finally blows. You know as a side note I know exactly what it feels like to be that watermelon. Of course, twice. I was getting a photo shoot done for my for the passion for passion my book and the

associated show and tour and I was wearing a red corset which was about three sizes too large. So the lady who was very who's fashionable and helpful wrapped elastic bands around my waist to wow. And it was very stylish and fashionable sort of Vivian Westwood, very compressed corset thing. And they're like, wow, your waist goes so tiny. But they failed to remember that the thing about elastic is that it just keeps getting tighter. Like it doesn't stay at the size you put it, it's elastic.

And after about 15 minutes, I was like, oh, I think I'm gonna pop like a watermelon. Oh my god. So there was me thinking you were talking about pregnancy, the the other the only other watermelon comparison, but no, you've actually you've lived the elastic band nightmare of a proper watermelon. I've lived both ends of the watermelon. Just for any of our younger male listeners, pregnancy is not like having a watermelon

inside you. You just want to clear that up for our younger male gargoyle listeners who are going, oh, yeah, it's just like getting a watermelon up there. Don't. Do you know, and just for anyone unfamiliar, as Americans will know the term. Alex Jones is a piece of shit. Just in case people are like, who is this Alex Jones guy? He sounds comical. He is comical, but he's also a piece of shit. And he's mainly known for spreading the lie on Infra Wars that the Sandy Hook massacre of children was staged. And that's part of why so many people

genuinely hate him. It's also why when he was looking for financial support to save Infowars, no one really turned up. Whereas the billionaire who recently purchased the onion was more than happy to finance grabbing Infowars. And my favorite part in all of this is that so many of Alex Jones listeners are so like set up to buy conspiracy theories that I generally believe a lot of them won't notice that a satirical website now owns Infowars. And I think the onion are good enough that they're going to be running stories just close

enough that it seems like Infowars is still going. And I think I'm hoping to start a conspiracy that Alex Jones has set this all up and is still secretly in charge just to keep the listener base going. They're going to get their best Alex Jones impressionist to do an Alex Jones impression, which is basically the voice, but not the accent.

It will just be James Nockise. I'd like to announce my new job. As you're currently in the UK. The ambassador to Infowars. We do have our own Alex Jones as well, so it is important that you did clarify. There is a Welsh presenter of The One Show, which is a very popular BBC One show, which sort of is a magazine program called Alex Jones, who's a lady from Wales and he's very nice and very charming. So thank you for clarifying because there

could be some people here thinking we're being very nasty about a very lovely lady who mainly just presents a magazine show about like fundraisers for your cats and things. So that's good. I wonder what Alex Jones, the Welshwoman would sound like. I wonder what Alex Jones, the Welsh woman would sound like. When you say something like that, James, it sounds like you're winding up to do an impression of Alex Jones doing Alex Jones, but I know you. At any time, they could literally just shut us off any minute.

And just for completion's sake, so we've done the other version as well. I'll go, welcome to the one show. Oh my God, we had a great show for you tonight. You won't believe what's going to happen. We're going to see an ill cat. It's going to be brilliant. And then we're going to talk to Charles Brandreth who goes to a teddy bear museum. So that's how do you do the voice and the accent at the same time? So good combination. same time. So good. Combination. And that brings us to our reviews section. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to review something out. Five stars. James Nokesi, what have you brought in for us today? I've bought I've bought in New Zealand. Just because you know, it's always sitting there on the shelf looking nice and clean,

but it's always good to just pick it up and shake it around and see what's going on at the moment. New Zealand's been in the international news for a couple of reasons, primarily because a young woman did a haka. I do politics. It's not politics, it's culture. Okay, I'll skip around, I'll skip around anything that could be politics in reviewing New Zealand. Tragically, we lost to France in the rugby in in the weekend, which of

course, brought back memories for many of the 1985 bombing of the Rainbow Warrior by the French government. And then of course there's been a march in New Zealand, which is a hikoi. Now that's where local people get quite agitated and walk a long distance to have a discussion. And that's a very non-political walk. It's one of the grand traditions of New Zealand. When you get angry, you just get your friends and family and you walk it off collectively. And then you go to Wellington, not because that's where

Parliament is, but because that's where the best coffee is, and you drink coffee, and you talk through all of your issues. And it's not that it's near Parliament, it's that it's a very small city, as you know, Alice, and they've got Parliament and then really nothing, and then Peter Jackson. Those are the two main things in Wellington. So they've been very busy and without getting into any details about cultural practices in New Zealand, I'm going to give them three stars for being active, but not necessarily effective. There is my very non-political review of Aotearoa New Zealand. Not that that name is political either. It's cultural. Well negotiated. That's wonderfully done. I give your delicate dance through the minefield that the gargle has set you of talking about New Zealand without talking about politics. Five stars out of five stars. Tom, Neenan, what have you brought in for us this week? I'm going to review Middle Earth, the least political bit of New Zealand. I'm going to

say first of all, Middle Earth is divided into two main sections, which is the good section, which is sort of, there's a lot of, certainly in the films, Caucasian people live in the good section. I've noticed that, that's sort of unfortunate. certainly in the films, Caucasian people live in the good section. I've noticed that, that's sort of unfortunate. And then over here, we've got, over here, the bad section of Middle Earth, and a lot of the people there have darker skin. So once again, not ideal for this.

And I think that that is troublesome. We don't know what happens over far, far, far. In the West, is that? Is it the West of Middle Earth? That's never mentioned. That must be very boring indeed. I think that's where the elves go when they want to do voluntary euthanasia, I'm pretty sure.

Right. In that case, that's really bad. We don't want that at all. Basically, yeah, I've started by saying Middle Earth is not political, and I've realized it's the most, it's even more political than New Zealand. It's even more concerning

Uh, I am going to give Middle Earth, uh, two out of five while I love the films It is unfortunate that you know the the bit where the like the elephants and things come from Um, that's that that's all quite bad and quite scary and then the bits where the cows And the lovely blue-eyed children come from, that's supposedly the lovely bit that everyone wants to protect. Yeah, I'd never really thought about this before, but I just realised I had this map on my shelf of my wall and I thought I'd bring it out and I've realised that Tolkien's got some issues.

Anyway, there you go, two out of five. It's the gollywog of cartography, my friend. And that brings us to our creator economy section, beginning with the news apparently that people are dropping out of the creator economy like flies. Within the creator economy, there is a reflection of the greater economy at large as the people up at the top are sucking up all of the brand deals and the people down the bottom must humbly beg to advertise even a smidgen of pie. Please sir, may I have another mattress advertisement, they say, pleadingly to

their superiors. Tom Neenan, you're a creator. Can you unpack this story for us? Not only will I unpack it, I'm going to tell you a story. It's of a young man. Him and his brother came from nothing. They worked hard, they created things, and they built up this empire, and like I say, from absolutely nothing. And they were two of the best people, morally absolutely upstanding people. And they became creators, but then the creator economy turned on them, turned

on them to such an extent that one of the brothers was forced for money to fight old men for the attention of the world. Those men are the Paul brothers. And that fighter was Jake Paul, who recently, because there's no money in the creator space anymore, and what a creator, by the way, who can forget some of his best videos such as, I don't know, I'm guessing like, Fart in Lift.

Did you follow the Mike Tyson Jake Paul fight? I just looked at it and I thought that's too many first names. It's a lot going on there. I did. I'd say that it did. The human race was not covered in glory with that spectacle. And yeah, it's quite unfortunate. Do you think that the Paul brothers are upset that the one clip that went viral from that entire fight was Mike Tyson's bottom?

I think so. I think... What an extraordinary time in all of our lives. What a time when we can look at a fight between two men and root for the convicted rapist. What an absolute indictment of how we live our lives. Anyway, yes. I was rooting for nobody. I was quite pleased that there were two men punching each other in the head. Fair enough. Whoever wins, we lose, as they said in Alien vs Predator. But yeah, basically,

like all economies, basically the creator economy has got very bloated at the top with none of it trickling down to smaller creators. So you've got the mega, mega, mega rich people who have got all the brand deals and then the fewer and fewer brand deals anywhere else. Which as a podcaster, Alice, I'm sure you have no experience of that kind of structure of anything. Well, you know, not like the podcasting world is filled with like three giants and then everyone else kind of trying to make their way as everyone else gets all that sweet Casper mattress money. There is not a week that I don't wake up in a cold sweat thinking,

God, I wish I was more interested in murder. That's all you need. You just need to be more, or commit one. Those are your options. That could be the twist for the new gargle setup is that at the end of each episode, Alice has to guess which one of us has killed someone since the last episode. Be amazing. Sorry to clarify, this is not creators of stuff. This is creators of content. Influencers is another word for it, but they prefer to be called creators.

Because of course they do. It implies that they've created something other than content, which is arguably the opposite of creation. No, that's not true. Some people make some very beautiful videos. Well, create some content every time you go to the bathroom, don't you? I mean, it's a lot of interpretation. Content creation. Well, I mean, I's a lot of interpretation. Content creation.

Well, I mean, I think this story is telling us that there is a vast spectrum of content creation and some of the better ones rise up towards the top and some of the worst ones rise up towards the top. And, you know, obviously art is subjective, but what is not subjective is the amount of money you get paid by a coffee company for shilling its products. I think the saddest thing about the Mike Tyson Logan Paul fight, or the greatest thing, is the sheer disappointment of people who watched it. Who actually watched it and were like, wait a second, that was a content creator and a 58 year old man pushing each other around. That's not what I thought it would be. Even though that's exactly what it was advertised to be. I am enjoying that this story has become completely not about. Well, I did hear two men at the library talking about how it was like a

heartwarming heartwarming experience of tonic masculinity, positive masculinity, because Mike Tyson was clearly not well and Jake Paul only punched him less than he could have. Both of these men had a lot of neck tattoos, but they were taking it very seriously. And I thought it was beautiful how touched they were by the story they'd made up about what happened. how touched they were by the story they'd made up about what happened. It's always good when dude bro fan fiction comes to the fore. Yeah.

I just really wanted them to kiss. The only fan fiction we want about that night includes Mike Tyson's naked butt cheeks. chicks. And that brings us to good news and positive outcome to virality online as part of our influencer section. And this is the story of a restaurant that was made popular by social media. Beautiful, heartwarming story. James Nukise, you've eaten food before. Can you unpack this story for us? No Kese, you've eaten food before. Can you unpack this story for us? Thank you, Alice. This kicked off in October. It was about a sandwich cart in a small part of London known as Borough Market. And it had been

overrun by influencers and tourists and none of them were boxing each other. and tourists and none of them were boxing each other. So a small campaign was started, which was to tell everyone online about one of the best kept secrets in London with rave reviews and that shop that everyone must go and eat at was Angus Steakhouse, which really has both words in that name doing heavy lifting on what food you acquire there is. And this has led, funnily enough, to massive queues at Angus Steakhouse, followed by massive disappointing reviews from people absolutely

confused about why everyone is raving about Angus Steakhouse. It is fundamentally one of the most glorious Londonite stories that we've had this year. Yeah, rather than feeling, you know, pleased that parts of your city are being represented well and enjoyed by tourists and overrun by tourists. Sure, perhaps, but that's the impact sometimes on the economy that too much success can have. No, instead, they are going to turn the entirety of the online reviewing trust-based ecosystem on its head and send people to what is happily known

to be one of the worst tourist traps in London, the Angus Steakhouse on Leicester Square, the place where you go because your feet are tired because you've been to too many museums and then you spend too much money on not enough and bad food. Tom, have you ever been in an Angus Steakhouse? I have been in that Angus Steakhouse. It's got a lovely, what people don't know about it is that the floor is slightly raised, so you go in there and it's higher up. So people walking past at street level, their eyes are exactly where your stomach are, which given that there's huge glass windows is absolute

primo atmosphere for eating food. I've been caught out by one of these scams before, one of these online scams, because there was genuinely genuinely there was this website that said in London I can't believe I fell for this that there's a whole shop a whole world dedicated to M&Ms and I like for a second I thought that might be real and then I was like that that would be nonsense that they're like an entire like multi-story like shop based on that. Anyway, so I've got my... Yeah, with all the different flavours and the people who think they're different flavours. I didn't, I don't, I haven't eaten M&M's. I didn't realise that basically unless it's either got a peanut on or it doesn't and those are the options that you get. So yeah, so just be very wary about what you read online because, yeah, you could end up there, you could end up at a TGI Fridays, which isn't too bad, but once again, another tourist trap.

If you want my advice for a little hidden gem in London, if you're out somewhere in London, then it's like a Scottish fusion restaurant and it's called, you know, you know where this is going. It's McDonald's. It's a beef and bread restaurant and I hardly recommend it. Not many people know it exists. You know, one of the great hidden gems of British culture that everyone should experience is a place called Wetter Spoons And they're renowned for loving foreigners. Especially, so if you go in there and saying your best Alex Jones accents, I've heard about the steak here, I'm here for the steak, you'll get extra premium service from your local Wetherspoons in London. Wetherspoons sort of flew under the radar, of course, until the end of the Matrix trilogy,

of course, because it answered the question of whether there was or was no spoon. Is it true that in New Zealand you have wetter spoon? Is that accurate? Wetter spoon. Wetter spoon. Yeah. It's an insect-based food chain where you show up and you go, I have a beggar, and they'll bring you a large wetter because they thought you were ordering a bigger one.

Nice. I can't believe I just saw a New Zealander do a bad New Zealand accent. Oh, I've just got an email. My passport has been revoked. And that's fair. You get the voice but not the accent. You could draw on your Welsh ancestry, but I think they'll kick you out too for the early Welsh compression. Yeah, we've heard what you said about Alex Jones, you're not coming in here.

It's getting worse. And that brings us to the end of this week's episode of The Gargoyle. I'm flipping through the ad section at the back. James, have you got anything to plug? Oh, look, I've got a new podcast series which just dropped called The Last Voyage of the Rainbow Warrior and it's available wherever you find podcasts and it's all about nuclear testing in the Pacific, which is something that a lot of people don't know about and everyone seems to enjoy it.

Sounds great. I have had a listen already and it's extremely good so I highly recommend Tom Neenan have you got anything to plug? I like all the other wet pinkos are now on blue sky so find me on blue sky at tpneenan.beesky.social. Also, I was lucky enough to contribute to a sort of comedy, sci-fi thriller, audible adventure from Mr David Reed. I wrote an episode of it and that should be out on the 28th of November and that is called Zeroes. So have a look for that on wherever you get. No, it's audible. Look out for an audible. There's one option, it's audible. I'm Alice Fraser, you can find me online

at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. That's a one stop shop for all of my stand up special podcasts and blogs. You can also buy my book, A Passion for Passion at unbound.com. If you are in the UK, there will be tour dates coming soon. I'm doing a little book tour in London in February of 2025. The book comes out on the 6th of February. So

pencil that date into your brain. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Pet Hunter, your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from the Bugle, including the Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.