The Gargle - Grave recipes | AI porn | Radioactive capsule

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

Joz Norris and Cerys Bradley join host Alice Fraser for episode 98 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast - with no politics!⚰️ Gravestone recipes 🤖 AI the future of porn?☢️ Missing radioactive capsule🐜 Cancer ants📝 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. You fill a basket with everything a sick grandma needs. Some mushrooms you found in the forest, some water from the well next to the outhouse, leeches. Then you're off, skipping merrily through the forest. All that green really makes your riding hood pop. But when you arrive, there's something wrong. Grandma, you say. What non-existent ears you have. All the better to recover in peace, she says.

And what eyes you don't have. All the better to avoid in peace, she says. And what eyes you don't have. All the better to avoid tiring out my eyelids. And I'm pretty sure you used to have teeth. By the time you realise it's too late, that's not your grandma, it's the gargle. Welcome to the gargle, a sonic glossy magazine, to the Bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World, all of the news, none of your politics. I am your host, Alice Fraser,

and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Keris Bradley and Joss Norris. Hello. Hello. The front cover this week is King Charles looking sad as he poses with an Australian $5 note that does not have his face on it, which is the unfortunate reality for him and the fortunate reality for us is that we are... Is that true? Yep, the new notes don't have King Charles on it.

Who's on them? We're going to have a series of prominent Indigenous historical figures in Australia. Wow, nice. Yeah, fair enough. But the not having the new king on the note is, I think, the SMS breakup text of Republican moon hoovers. Sad. Sad. Yeah.

The other headlines on the front cover include, Off With His Head, Why King Charles Didn't Make the Cut for Australian's New Bills, and Rebounding, How Long Should You Wait Before Getting Onto Someone Else's Money, if you know what I mean. I don't. And Who Wore It Best? We take a look at some of money's best outfits, paper or coin. Which denomination is right for your face?

And the satirical cartoon this week is Cardinal Pell surprised by a surprise welcome party in hell. And now let's jump into our top stories this week. Our top story for the top story is food news. this week our top story for the top story is food news and this is a human interest story following the long-standing trend of etching recipes on gravestones. Joss Norris you love to etch something onto a gravestone can you unpack this story for us? I do all the time I'd never thought about doing it with recipes before I normally just tend to go around and do like an artist's impression of what I think the person looked like just based on the vibe of their grave that's what I tend to like to etch on

gravestones and then people can find my doodles and then they can do their own versions alongside them I think it's a nice tradition which I have been told I need to stop because it's disrespectful but uh it turns out more recently people have been etching family members beloved recipes there was also a thing in this story that said that because it talks about how we're using food as the way that we remember loved ones that have gone like it's so caught up with the memory of like oh they cooked this to be fair it's how we remember Jesus you're right bread and fish not an amazing signature dish but like i was thinking wine and crackers yeah i was gonna say water into wine oh yeah he did a lot i think that was his

party trick if he was gonna pick one and then the bread and the fishes was like oh there's no wine so i'll just fall back on like get a loaf get fish the bread and the fishes are just replicating themselves but the crackers and the wine are the body yeah that's really hit oh yeah he is food the more of him you eat the more of him there Yeah, that's really... Oh, yeah, he is food. The more of him you eat, the more of him there is. It's a homeopathic thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The more diluted Jesus becomes, the more powerful he is. You'd think we'd have run out of him by now,

but I guess he was a big guy. It's the magic of homeopathy. Smart. Sorry, the science of homeopathy. Apparently, during... There was some data in this story that said between march 2020 and october 2021 mention of casseroles in obituaries increased by 43 percent which i became really fascinated by because that's almost exactly like the lockdowns that's like

that that kind of maps on to like when covid started being a thing onto like when we were sort of starting to come back to normal. And I haven't really got any conclusions on that other than that. That's why they picked those dates, Joss. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. The story I found fascinating because it's a ridiculousness. Casseroles, the world's worst food. Why would you want that to be your legacy? But I think they were looking for a thing that they could claim a statistic about.

Right, that lockdown made us all more nostalgic for our grandparents' casseroles. I mean, casseroles really are just formal slop. It's just slop in a bow tie, right? It's food with some water on it. Don't understand why you would want to eat it. If anything, I think it does say a lot about the national the global mood at that time that during those months all we could really think to say about our kind of loved ones that were no longer with us were like oh they used to

pour water on top of food and i guess that was night like there was just there just wasn't much to say about anything that was going on it's probably got to do with the statistical likelihood of like 75 plus year old people dying during that window and them being a prime casserole market would like to go further and say that they died because what they ate was casseroles yeah i'm not gonna be anything cooked from a recipe on a gravestone until i know how that person died uh like aunt linda's perfect roast chicken scribed on the gravestone of aunt linda who died age 34 from salmonella no thank you probably not this is a terrible tradition and we should we should not be supporting it and writing articles about it stop writing terrible

recipes on your gravestones i was thinking what if you make one of these gravestone recipes and it's not very nice well i was thinking if it was me and i i think they all do this because it seems to me the obvious thing to do but i would leave out a key ingredient when i when i passed it on and i said put this on my gravestone this was my amazing recipe that you always loved i would want them always to be sitting around and eating it and going it's just not the same as when he used to do it so i think all these recipes have something amiss with them but then what i would also do is i would set up a kind of like, you know, the Da Vinci Code or National Treasure

or one of those things where there's like clues in the monuments and maybe there'd be something in the gravestone that led you like around the globe and there'd be clues on all the, like on the top of the Eiffel Tower or whatever. And eventually you find a little piece of microfilm that says like add garlic or whatever. And then they go, oh, great.

Now we can do it. You could get cremated and have your ashes scattered in different places and turn the recipe into a treasure hunt that's a good idea the final ingredient is your ashes i thought you were going to say was love but ashes is even better ashes is even better well you know i think my grandmother used to do that my jewish grandmother she when she showed you her family recipes, she would always leave out one ingredient, but she would forget which ingredient she'd left out the last time she showed you how to do the recipe,

so you could triangulate. I thought you were going to say my grandmother always used to do that when she used to make these recipes, she'd sprinkle a little bit of ashes. Of ashes. I think I'm very cynical about this new story because all of the people in my family are terrible cooks. So when my nan passes away, we don't need her to write the secret recipe of how to overcook a roast dinner on her grave. Just her cooking process was always whatever it is, put it in the oven for several hours.

So there's no secrets in the the bradley edwards family surely the number of hours is is crucial right that's the the longer the better as long as you get over three you're fine okay the blogger that has been cooking a lot of it she's been going around and finding these recipes on gravestones and then trying them out online uh and apparently she had to try one twice because she used the wrong kind of cheese and she heated up what was supposed to be a cold dip and I just think if you're going to make that something you're doing online you've got to have more respect for the dead than that

you've got to make sure that what you're doing is legit dip like revenge is best served cold her take was as I made more of the recipes and got more feedback from everyone I began to understand how important cooking is for people and for family histories. If your entire brand is that you are a grave recipe TikToker, first of all, get the recipes right. But second of all, like, how have you not thought more about this so that your commentary when you're interviewed by an online newspaper is not just, oh yeah, people like food, don't they?

And they like it enough to put it on their gravestones. Yeah, you'd think you'd know that at the start of the project. I'm not on TikTok. If this is the quality of the analysis, I don't see that I'm missing anything. It's all grave robbers. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy are you looking to get fit but can't bring yourself to remove either your monocle or your tuxedo bringing you the james the gym but more formal are you struggling to open a jar do you

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Introducing the new Hubble Walkie Talkie, the telescope that talks back. Alonzo Hayes only ever wanted one thing, to win the lottery. There's just one problem. He's married to the lottery commissioner's daughter. Bringing you this summer's hit of the summer, the true story of how one man won the very thing he was disqualified from entering. Margaret, I want a divorce and two tickets for the Powerball, only in cinemas. The sun is beaming, the pavement is melting,

the bush is on fire. Did it just say something? That's not the bush, it's God. When you really need to cool down, sometimes even a glass of water isn't enough. But maybe half a glass of water is. It depends on the size of the glass. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has the mike tyson ear bite cycling has lance armstrong baseball has its steroid era curling has broom gate it's a story of broken relationships houses divided corporate rivalry and a performance-enhancing broom.

It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. Now it's time for your weird science news. So this is AI pornography news, right? Recently, a picture went viral of four apparently women who looked like they were being sexy,

but were in fact neither women nor sexy they were imaginary if the imagination being used was the imagination of a robot and it was heralded as the future of pornography by the kind of people who love looking at women but hate the women they're looking at so keris you understand robots can you unpack this story for us? Yes. So OnlyFans, but with fake pictures that have been generated by AI, which is bad because AI in general generating fake art has lots and lots of problems. But if we just sidestep the fact that probably the way that they've generated this woman is by stealing loads and loads and loads and loads of images of real women without their permission and are now actually making money off their bodies, but it doesn't feel like it is because they've made a new woman. If we just ignore that problem, then I actually don't see what the...

Well, to be fair, if you steal a kilo of apples and then make an apple pie out of it, when you've chopped up the apples and put it in the pie, they're longer the apples that you stole so it's like you didn't steal them at all yeah that makes sense yeah okay if we take the apple analogy and therefore are comfortable with the the use of loads of people's images without their consent to create a new woman who can't consent because she's not real i think there's actually not a problem because i don't think there's a problem with being attracted to fake things and I think anybody from my generation who also had a sexual awakening to the fox from Disney's Robin Hood will agree with that statement and so potentially this is fine and this is the future of pornography because it's kind of

okay to be attracted to to things that aren't real and sometimes it's it is better because there's no mess and uh they can't hurt your feelings so i recently asked the actor who played prince caspian to come onto my podcast and i had to tell him that he was my first crush that wasn't a cartoon um Wow. Because there were at least four before that who were. It was the forearms, right, on the fox? He had, like, sturdy forearms. I think it was the lack of trousers for me. Ah, yeah, OK. Maybe that's what.

Different strokes for different folks. For me, it was the laissez-faire, debonair, devil-may-care sort of foxy attitude. Yeah. He was just a cool guy. Yeah. And playing with gender norms as well, because normally it's ladies who are considered foxy ladies yeah my favorite tweet in this thread because there was somebody who was sharing all these ai images of uh of sexy women that he'd made or that he'd found i don't know if he made the images but uh there was one tweet

where he said by the way guys the point is not to zoom in and find tiny pixel details that prove that it's not real the point is how convincing it is at first glance and like this will fool 80 of people but the picture he'd attached to that tweet one of the women had like tiny dolls hands growing out of her head where like bunches would be and i felt that that was a really nice like to use that one because ai has a massive problem with fingers i think i did not notice that it's incredible if you don't even need to zoom in you just need to kind of like look at it twice and then you go oh she's got hands on her head and i think because like you know ai is it's it's like a learning

thing where each time it absorbs new information it then builds that into the next thing it does i think ai has learned the fact that it's bad at fingers and it now can't stop thinking about it i feel like it's kind of like that thing where you know when you're ice skating and then as soon as you think about ice skating you're suddenly bad at ice skating but if you don't think about it you can kind of go i think ai when it sets out to do a thing must be going remember you're not good at fingers so like work on the fingers work on the fingers work on the fingers and then it looks at what it's done and it goes i've done five million fingers again i always get it wrong because i checked all of the hands i checked all of the hands to see if they had extra hands growing out of them and all the hands that are meant to be hands are hands

it's now just putting hands where there shouldn't be hands didn't check anywhere else for any additional hands. He's putting hands on eggs. Hands on fish. No, it's a match made in heaven. AI is very bad at knowing where the fingers should be. So is pornography. And in more terrifying AI porn news, this is somewhat more disturbing. This week, Twitch streamer Brandon Atriuk Ewing,

Atriuk is his fake name. He was caught looking at non-consensually deepfaked sexual material of fellow streamers who were his friends. He had to make a public apology on YouTube, which he did with his wife sitting next to him, which was sort of a weird politician's apology for having an affair. She didn't look particularly happy about it. The audience bombarded the chat with Pepe the Frog emojis

while this poor gamer guy desperately tried to explain that he accidentally stumbled upon this material specifically of his friends, their faces deep-faked onto a pornographic scene. How dystopian is this, Joss? I think it looks horrible in a way, but what it reminded me of was, do you remember Neil Parrish, the Tory MP who was caught looking at pornography in the Houses of Commons? And his excuse was that he was researching tractors.

He was looking up tractors online and then ended up watching porn in the Houses of Commons, as you do. This guy said that he was researching uh ai and deep fakes he says he became obsessed with ai and was just reading loads of blogs about ai and then ended up innocently purchasing some deep fake porn of his friends and colleagues um so i think it seems like if you look at the the patterns it seems like the real problem is researching stuff it seems that like when people set out to try and gain knowledge or learn about things the inevitable outcome is that you end up looking at porn in a place that you shouldn't be or with your friends in it so i think really what

we need to do is ban research and knowledge i think we need to shut down all kind of scientific research programs and close all libraries because it seems like otherwise these these poor innocent men who are just being curious about stuff are then going to have to deal with the consequences of being um being caught out and i think it's not their fault really i don't actually believe any of this i just like that that's always the excuse they give is i was just researching things really i Really? I'm so glad that you put that disclaimer, Joss. Otherwise, I definitely would have thought that you wanted to ban all research and knowledge. Yeah, I hoped that it was clear, but I just thought, actually, it would be terrible if anybody... And I would have thought that Keris actually thought that you thought that,

because none of us here can understand sarcasm. On the bright side, this is a labour-saving device. All of those poor men who've been putting hard work in the content mind sending dick pics can now outsource that to ai and send pictures of penises finger with little fingers and hands coming out of them which to be fair might be intriguing i i know that this is not how um deep fake porn works but the thing that i couldn't get out of my head is the the photo that the telegraph did of prince andrew and when they had like the bathtub and they were trying to prove that they couldn't have had sex in the bathtub and

so they got two telegraph staff to sit in the bathtub with just a mask on each of their faces and i know that that's that's probably not what it looks like but i'm also um i don't know not curious enough to go and check that this is not what it looks like but when you're talking about deep fake porn that is what i'm imagining i'm imagining two people having sex with masks of other people over their faces that's as sophisticated as I will accept that deep fake pornography has become. But I really like the fact that this guy is a streamer and his entire job is sharing his screen with people

and the way that he was caught out was that he left the tab open so that people could see it on his screen when he was doing something. That's your whole job. That's your whole job. Yeah, whole job yeah hire a tab checking assistant part of his excuse was um that he kept seeing this ad for this deepfake porn come up so the fact that he kept seeing it must mean other people are clicking it he said other people are going to be clicking this ad it can't just be me, which, I don't know, feels a bit mealy-mouthed.

That's very, when politicians say, it's disgusting that Twitter is advertising me all of these sexually graphic and pornographic things, and then someone has to explain to them what targeted advertisements mean. Like when they say, if your friends all walked off a bridge, would you do it? And it would depend if I were a bridge builder and there was a strike action to play because if my friends all walked off the bridge I would probably follow them in solidarity.

Now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. Keris, what have you brought in for us this week? I would like to preemptively review something, if this week? I would like to preemptively review something, if I may. I would like to review Wales' performance in the Six Nations, but not specifically Wales' performance as a team, because I think that will make us all sad.

I would like to specifically review Tommy Rethel and Taloupe Faletel. I would like to give them both five stars out of five stars, because they're both going to be excellent, and it's going to be really fun to watch them. And then i'll spend the rest of the competition probably crying so 10 stars out of five stars for the stars of the welsh rugby team joss what have you brought in for us yes i wanted to review my new daily planner notebook if that's okay um i bought it for myself in the new year in the january sales it has a sort of a pre-printed template of a to-do list that you can then tick things off on each day and i really like kind of organizing my life and my work into lists so i thought it would be perfect for me

i love it but i also i get quite kind of obsessive compulsive uh tendencies with things like this so that uh it has now ruined my life and it kind of uh rules my time completely so now as well as ticking off the things that i actually need to do i now kind of like obsessively need to add things to the list just to tick them off so i started putting things like uh eat or have a shower or wake up or breathe or or exist or be or think or tick this off list, which it's actually impossible to tick off a list because if you tick it off, it means that you have ticked it off, which you haven't done yet.

So these kind of logic loops are things that I've been getting stuck in. I love it, but it does now mean that I use all my time just to kind of manage my time on the list. So I love my new notebook, but I also hate my new notebook. So I give it one out of five and five out of five at the same time. It's a kind of a quantum review, really.

Thank you, Joss. Do you put writing something on the list and crossing writing the list off the list on the list? I suppose I'll have to now. I'm going to have to start breaking things down item by item. Yeah, so I suppose. But then writing things on the list, I can't write that in there because that is doing it. And I need to write it before I've ticked it.

So I can't put write things on list onto the list because that is writing things onto the list. You see what I mean? When you start, it's hard to stop. Now it's time for our radioactive capsule news. And this is the news that the radioactive capsule, which you probably didn't hear about, but now are hearing about, is safe. It was lost.

I once was lost, but now I'm found. If you came anywhere near me, you might be blind. Jaws, you're a hotspot in the desert. Can you unpack this story for us? This is the story that some sort of radioactive convoy, I don't know what it was really or where it was going. Presumably it was going from one nuclear-related place to another, but it was transporting radioactive materials

and it lost a pellet the size of a pea, eight millimetres in size. It lost it somewhere on the road of a pea, 8mm in size. It lost it somewhere on the road. I don't know how they realised it was gone. I guess you have to have quite a kind of intense inventory of those kind of things, right? It's quite important. Oh, yes. I'm pretty sure they went, oh, how many of these are we meant to have?

One. One tiny one. Is it in the box? No, it's not in the box. It got unbolted from the thing. So I think they had a track. But, of course, the Australian desert, I don't know if you've heard of it. One tiny one. Is it in the box? No, it's not in the box. It got unbolted from the thing. So I think they had a track. But of course, the Australian desert, I don't know if you've heard of it,

is f***ing massive. It's pretty big. They said the search area was the same size as Land's End to John O'Groats, which is the entire length of Britain. And they were looking for this eight millimetre thing. And the thing that's really annoyed me about this story is obviously there was great celebration that they managed to find it after not too long nobody was hurt it's been taken off and sealed in the way that it's supposed to but the person who who led the search and found the thing has said uh we have literally found the needle in a haystack which is incorrect they

didn't literally find a needle in a haystack they literally found an eight millimeter radioactive pellet in an area of western australia the size of britain which is more impressive i think there's no point to do an grammatically incorrect analogy that actually reduces the scale of your achievement you should say we found an eight millimeter pellet in an area of desert the size of britain and i don't need an analogy for that because it sounds great it's not that hard to find a needle in a haystack anyway all you need is either a big magnet or be a fire yeah or just shove your hand in until you go out and it'll turn out which is i guess is similar to the radioactive pellet just wander around until you notice that you feel quite sick and burned and then you go oh it's probably near here i mean if you're in the middle of the australian desert wandering around fair point i'm very impressed by the fact that they found it uh the measurement instrument that

they found it with was in a car traveling at 70 kilometers an hour so either that means the measuring instrument is incredibly good or the radioactivity was very strong you're just driving and then you start to melt a bit and then you hit the brakes and go back literally warmer warmer keris my favorite part of the story is that after they found it they said we checked the serial number to make sure that it was the one that we were looking for so how many have they lost and not told us about? Their current theory is they basically they got to the place where they were meant to be going. And then they like opened up the truck and then they opened up the casing and then they opened up the box.

And then they found the thing that the pellet was being transported in was broken and there was no pellets. Because and that's what they told us after they found it. Because when I read the original news story, I was like, how? How do you misplace it did you like stop for a break and then you were like oh just uh i'll just show my mates this cool radioactive pedal that we have in the back of the van um but apparently the casing broke and then it fell through the pellet sized hole that they built they built into the box that they built to protect the pellet and then in the pellet size hole in the truck that they built into the box that they built to protect the pellet and then in the pellet size hole in the truck that they built to transport the pellet like it's like the death star this is literally an episode of house there was an episode of house where someone found a guy found like a

radioactive pellet in his junkyard and he gave it to his son as like a token to go on his rucksack and then his son got leukemia from exposure to this pellet thing and so when they were putting out a thing like if you see the pellet tell us don't pick it up and carry it around with your because they'd watched that episode of house and that's why they knew that this was bad because they clearly didn't know that it was bad when it actually happened. If they hadn't watched an American television show because they built they built a pellet box with a pellet sized hole in it so that a pellet could fall out of a moving truck and they could lose it in the Australian desert. I don't think they deserve any praise for finding this pellet. How did they lose it in the first place? Yeah.

If you can have a pellet sized hole in the pellet transporting box put the pelt size hole on the top of the box yes that is smart that's how you do it unless the the vibrations of the truck are so much that then the pellet can jump through and that would i think that would be a fun thing to watch on a webcam radio pellet jumping out of box or the truck swings by a monster truck valley and does some truck flips oh yeah yeah classic i don't know i feel quite bad for them i lost a football boot once when i was uh in school in second my mama bought me football boots for games and i lost one and i kept going to games and doing it in my trainers and then lying and coming home and going oh yeah everything's fine with my football boots and I felt sick about it for weeks and weeks and that wasn't even going to kill anyone so the idea of thinking oh I've lost that thing and

someone's probably going to die they must have felt awful absolutely terrible so by the way uh for the pedants I know uh it's not monster, it's the doctor is the monster because he created Einstein. Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is his son and therefore has the same last name as him. I was going to give them like another week and if they hadn't found it in another week, I was going to send my girlfriend to have a look for it because whenever I put like my glasses down

and then suddenly they've disappeared or my watch, I can't find my my watch in the morning she'll like walk into the room that i've been searching for like 20 minutes and she'll be like it's right there so uh i was going to deploy her if it got any more serious so it would have been fine in the end backup plan yeah i had that i had this covered uh but i'm glad that they they found it saves her the bother yeah it's quite far yeah yeah long way to go she would have had to take some time off work but yeah she would have walked into that desert and she would have been like it's right there mate there it is where you put it now in trained animals news this is the news of a series of ants who've been trained to use their smelling for good keris you love ants can you unpack this story for us i do actually i do actually love ants

and a study has shown that ants can be trained to distinguish between the pee of mice that have cancer and the pee of mice that don't and basically they've trained these poor ants to associate the smell of cancer pee with sugar and so when they smell that an animal is peeing who has cancer they think oh i'm gonna get a tasty treat and then they go into the pee to see if they can find the tasty tree which means a treat which means that the the um the future of medical care in this country is that you'll go to your gp and you'll say oh i think I've got a lump and then they'll put you in a box and they'll cover you with out and then they'll tell you whether or not you have cancer and then those ants will have to go home and their little ant families will be like

how was work today and then that aunt will be like oh you know it was just you know another day in the in the cancer piss factory. And that is what the future looks like. They might not cover you with the ants. They might ask you to sort of straddle across a box of ants and then piss onto them, which would be in some ways more dignified and in some ways less. Well, I mean, if it was good enough for medieval doctors. It's good to have a return to that that style of medicine i think they'll do it like animals choosing the world cup

they'll get you to pee in a bucket and then they'll put a bucket of random pee presumably like another patient's or a doctor's pee in the other bucket and then you'll get to watch maybe they'll get everybody from the waiting room to come in as well because they'll be waiting there for a while like it's nice for them to have some entertainment and then they'll see which pee the ants go to and we'll all be like oh oh do a klaxon and go unleash the ants and then they'll go to the the bucket with the cancer in and that's going to be really awkward if it turns out the doctor is the one who has yeah what a way to find out can you wait until this becomes part of the gender reveal party

process presumably you've got to sort of maintain that pavlovian association for them by like rewarding them so every time they do it you've got to give them the reward which means that if you're sat there like anxious and out of your mind and worried about the results you first have to watch the doctors go yay well done ants and like feed them sugar before they eventually turn around and go yeah this is this is not good actually i'm sorry i just think it's not great from a patient perspective i can see why it's a step forward it's exciting in a way one small step for a man is many millions of steps for an ant. One of the tests for diabetes used to be if you tasted someone's pee and it tasted very sweet, that was an early test for diabetes before medicine evolved from the doctor's just put stuff in their mouths kind of process of evaluating stuff.

So I don't know whether or not like is that going to confuse the ants because they're going to think that's a tasty treat regardless of whether there's cancer in that peem oh what if somebody's diabetic and yeah yeah you're right yeah because this is the problem they think that it works with mice but humans have got a lot more going on so it might be more confusing for the ants my favorite so this isn't going to happen you know overnight more research is needed but that's been banned now so they can't do that is it they're not allowed to do research anymore josh that was your oh yes i remember i remember what i said there's a quote i really liked in this story which was there was a biomedical engineer said this is an exciting new direction was the quote but it then said that this biomedical engineer studies locusts and their ability to detect cancer in in urine and was not involved

in this research which feels to me just like the the journalist messed up and spoke to the wrong person that somebody calls up and goes hey have you heard these people that are researching quite similar stuff to what you're researching but you weren't involved in what do you think and you go yeah yeah i guess i guess it's all right yeah yeah i'm not the piss ants guy i'm the piss locusts guy if the locust descends on your farm and eats all your crop it's fatal that's bad news and that's all the time we have for this week's episode of the gargle i'm flipping through the ads at the back uh keris have you got anything to plug uh yes very important on the 23rd of feb i'm doing my show sports person at soho theater for one last time

it was directed by joss norris so even if you preferred his bits to my bits on the show you still enjoy sports person um please come see it. It's such a big theatre. I have to sell so many tickets. And everybody else is selling their shows and I'm really jealous, so you should come see my one. It's a great show. It is a great show.

I highly recommend it. It is not a competition. You are both my second favourite children. My real favourite child is my real child. Jaws. Makes sense. So tonight and tomorrow uh third and fourth february i'm doing my show blink uh for the last time at vault festival in london

so please come on down and then after that i don't know what i'm doing but i'll do something else so keep in touch please keep in touch i will be launching my new show twist at the adelaide comedy festival on the 28th of February. Find me online at patreon.com slash alicefraser. It's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs, as well as my Tea with Alice salons, which I run every week,

and my writing meetings. I'd like to say a big thank you to our roving reporters, Tilla Crown, who sent in the gravestone recipe stories, Miss Otis, Sea Lips, Deganta Das, Bella Hahn and Long Peter, who all sent in the radioactive pellet story and subsequent updates, and Sea Lips, who sent in the cancer ants story. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production.

Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. your editor is Ped Hunter your executive producer is Chris Skinner I'll talk to you again next week you can listen to

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