The Gargle - Groceries | High rats | Exercise pill

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

Guest editors John Luke Roberts and Tom Neenan join host Alice Fraser for episode 150 of The Gargle - the sonic glossy magazine to The Bugle, with one rule: no politics!🛒 Grocery prices🐀 Marijuana rats👉 Facebook poke💊 Exercise pill🔤 ReviewsStory 1: https://uk.finance.yahoo.com/news/large-grocery-chains-took-advantage-220559321.htmlStory 2: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/rats-are-high-marijuana-stored-infested-new-orleans-police-evidence-ro-rcna143249Story 3: https://www.businessinsider.com/facebook-poke-feature-gen-z-2024-3Story 4: https://futurism.com/neoscope/exercise-pill-updatesHOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Another perfect dawn rises, sparkling in yellows and pinks over the land of the fairy unicorns. Princess Fairy Lalinda mounts her beloved friend and steed, the noble unicorn Strawberry Sprinkles, and they launch together over the waking kingdom, scattering fistfuls of glittering dew to lime the tender buds and leaves below. But lo, a shadow creeps in the corner of the kingdom, reaching dark fingers into the heart of the realm. Oh no!

Princess Fairy Lalinda's strong jaw clenches. She pulls on her diamond crown helmet and draws her delicate rainbow sword, bending low over the neck of strawberry sprinkles. Yes, mistress, murmurs the mighty pink unicorn, tossing his iridescent mane. I see it too. What does it mean? Princess Fairy Little Linda sinks white teeth into her rosebud pink lower lip.

It means it's going to be another c**t of a day. Yes, mistress, nods strawberry sprinkles, and I know what we need. We need the goggle. Hey! I'm sorry, it's been a rough couple of seven weeks of not sleep since my baby was born and i entered the world of newborn plus toddler i am not reaching far for any of my jokes this week like kaiser soze trying to write my jokes

but instead of a pinboard in a police station i'm sitting on a water waterproof playmat aka piss on proof playmat looking at a picture of what my daughter insists is a dragon pirate unicorn fairy. Unlike Kaiser Soze and the usual suspects, I'm not going to suddenly and horribly be revealed to have been Kevin Spacey all along. This is the podcast pull-out section to lay proudly

on the oral coffee table of your mind. The sonic, glossy magazine to the mules. Audio newspaper for a visual world. All of the news, none of the politics. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Neenan. Hello. You say that so gently, like, you know I can't take it.

I was so worried about, like, I just wanted it to be a definite greeting. That's what I was aiming for. No fanciness, just a hello. It was lovely. It sounded very gentle and calming it sounded like the hello you you say at the beginning of a hostage negotiation and john luke roberts salutations and felicitations to you alice fraser on this wonderful bright sunny morning i hesitate to ask since when did you become so noble? Oh, well, I've always been noble deep down.

I was just trying to act as a corrective to Tom's simplicity. The average would land somewhere in the middle. Yeah, we balance each other out. It's wonderful. Well, before we seat ourselves around this egalitarian round table and begin to talk about the rules of chivalry that is this week's Top Stories. Let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine this week. The front cover model this week is Scott Swift who is Taylor Swift's dad and a man with a alliterative name most likely indicate he has a secret identity as a superhero and he's posing provocatively with an Australian police statement saying they

will not be pursuing the matter further after he was recorded punching a paparazzo in defence of his daughter. Apparently his excuse was, but come on. Come on. I'm so torn about this story. Like I'm torn between revelling in the satisfaction of a man defending his daughter against some creepy dude who was hassling her. And then also understanding that like civilization means abdicating the right

to enact violence in pursuit of vengeance in favor of the state, having a monopoly on due process, but also, you know, come on. It's fun. When Bjork did it, that it was a lot of fun when Bjork did it, that felt like it was very uh equitable in some way because we just love seeing Bjork throwing throwing hands yeah yeah I mean it's not really Bjorkish unless she's throwing a swan though is it yeah I feel Alice like there is an alternative to having a complex and sort of conflicted opinion on this which is just having no opinion at all. You should try it. It's great. Look, I didn't have an opinion until I sat down and had to have a front cover. And then I thought,

oh God, I have to formulate an opinion on this. See, I quite like to present myself as being like, you know, quite a well-balanced person, seeing both sides of the equation, trying to understand even people who I sort of viscerally feel opposed to and like trying to see their point of view. But also that could be considered a very lazy way of going about things. Like I'll think about a thing, but not enough to actually really decide how I feel about it. Yeah, it is one of those that you can either engage with it philosophically for a long time and come to basically the same thing of just, I'm not going to engage with this at all.

The satirical cartoon this week is the Ladies' Lounge exhibit in Australia's Mona Art Museum, which is dressed up like a gentleman's club, has a lot of the museum's most sort of sought-after artworks and only allows women in as a commentary on centuries of exclusion from such spaces. And they're being sued by a dude for illegal discrimination that is less of a satirical cartoon and more a thing that actually happened in australia this week but sometimes you know something that's just satires itself but they've kind of turned the trial into a an art piece haven't they like there's groups of women turning up who turned up and then move in unison and all this stuff. It seems quite fun.

Yeah. Well then, you know, what happens next is the guy who's suing it says that he's suing it as an art piece and applies for a grant. And that brings us to our top story. Big business is the baddies again news now. This really feels like, you know, dog bites man. How is this still news? The question is, did grocery stores take advantage of COVID shortages to raise prices? Is part of the cost of living crisis just false inflation driven by companies trying to scrape more money because they know people believe that inflation is happening. So they think, well, why don't we force the prices up? The answer is yes. The FTC says yes, certainly when it comes to America.

John Luke Roberts, you've gone to the grocery store before. Can you unpack this story for us? I have. I will unpack it and then give them the bags back so they can put them in a van and drive them off after the delivery. Very nice. Thank you. I thought it was quite neat, but not funny as such. Satisfying.

Yeah, it had a certain elegance. Takes the comedy out of observational comedy, just some observations. It sounds a bit creepy, doesn't it? No, I just look at things. I don't tell anyone about them in a funny way i'm a student of human existence um yeah the federal trade commission has published a report called feeding america in a time of crisis which sounds pleasingly like a kind of lesser gabriel garcia marquez book um all food delivery chains and logistic reports broken up by shared shareholders mothers

turning into a flock of birds um yeah they found that like the big old the big old what they call grocery giants which to me sounds too much like the jolly green giant and he is honestly the only grocery giant i care about took advantage of covid to artificially inflate their prices rather than just covering the increased costs of COVID, which is one of those things where it's like, well, we knew this, right? It's not a surprise that Walmart didn't really love us, that this was some sort of trick. I also found out the names of the major American groceries,

which are Walmart, Kroger, Kroger, I also found out the names of the major American groceries, which are Walmart, Kroger. Kroger, which sounds so much like a villain. You really would. Kroger. Kroger loves you. Kroger wants you to get your food at a reasonable price. Kroger.

Yeah, and they did it by tracking meat, milk, and toilet paper. And I don't know what meat paper or milk paper is, but apparently people buy them quite a lot in America. We don't know whether the paper is made out of meat or it's to clean meat, or indeed it's just toilet paper made out of meat, which I guess is prosciutto. Two-ply prosciutto. I think that the problem here is that what we have in the UK, you'd never expect that in the UK because all of our places, they're not called like Kroger and stuff. They're called Lidl. Oh, and they're called Aldi.

And they all have these little like cutesy little names that make it sound like they don't, you know, they don't hold the monopoly over anything. And they'd never hurt you. You'd never have anything going wrong at Aldi. going wrong at Aldi. And I think that we, I think they should actually introduce the kind of US naming system, which is, you know, we're almost there with things like, what ones have we got?

Well, actually, so we've got Waitrose, which just sounds weird. Sounds like a butler. Yeah, exactly. I don't like it. I think we should just call it like Food Max and really embrace the fact that it is a terrifying corporation that tomorrow could decide aubergines are £40,000 and we can never eat them again.

Or one rich person can and we'd all watch him or her, probably him, and be incredibly jealous. We'd be jealous of the moment where he burns his tongue because aubergines are always too hot. Yeah. And they're slimy in the middle so it sticks as well we'd watch and we'd laugh and that it won't be quite like the french revolution but if it's an aubergine to be our guillotine then so be it i can't remember what i was saying to be honest i think this i think this refers to the to the the issue yes in this non-political podcast, we have found out that big corporations do not have our best interests at heart.

I, for one, am shocked. Waitrose could also be an instruction to a girl in a finishing school. Waitrose? And now you may place the book on your head. Waitrose and your prince will come. Don't be forward.

Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by two-year-olds. Would you like to have to tell someone you suspect is smarter than you not to lick rainwater off a bench? Try having a two-year-old. The scary smart sociopath whose public behavior reflects directly on you. Sorry, the rest of this ad's been dropped in the kitchen somewhere. I told you it was being brought to you by two-year-olds. And are you looking for something new but also familiar? Something that's simultaneously a

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Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com And that brings us to our high rats news now, and not in the high hello rats, but the like rats that are high news now and not in the high hello rats but the like rats that are high news now uh apparently in new orleans there is a police evidence room that is so infested with vermin that all of the vermin are high rats cockroaches men named steve uh tom you've been submitted

in evidence before can you unpack this story? Of course. Police were first tipped off when a Parisian chef started cooking exclusively hobnobs. And they wondered what was happening. And it turned out that the rats are getting high. Rats, as we know, will, if there's something humans enjoy, a rat will enjoy it soon after. Humans enjoy pizza. Then we had pizza rat. Humans enjoy smoking a fat bifter. And now rats are doing the same thing. I don't think they're smoking it though, are they?

They're just eating it. They're just getting into evidence lockers. They're ransacking and they are eating the marijuana. At least that's the story. They're ransacking and they are eating the marijuana. At least that's the story. All we probably know for sure is that drugs are going missing from evidence lockers. And someone has come up with the rather sort of Pixar-esque image of rats all gathering and eating. Is Pixar-esque the modern take on picturesque? And picaresque. It's a combination of all of them.

And yeah, they're all going and eating their marijuana and then sitting around talking about like, what if, hey, what if things were different? And what if we're all in a simulation? And actually that maze that I was in quite recently was actually designed by like scientists to check my brain or something. And they're all like freaking themselves out about that. Yeah, I love it. I like the fact that the chief administrative officer was a guy called Gilbert Montano, which if I've got a...

That's who I wanted my police for, someone called Gilbert Montano. He just sounds very in control, even though all of his evidence is going missing. It's a charming wee story. There's no victims, I don't think. I don't think it's going to harm the rats too much, is it? Hey, rats, stay in school. That is what I have to say. The New Orleans Police Department.

There's no victims. Yeah. Please don't clip that out of context. The New Orleans Police Department. There's no victims. Yeah. Please don't clip that out of context. John Luke Roberts. Have you ever got any cockroaches high? I've never, not to my knowledge, have I ever had any, have I ever got any cockroaches high?

Yeah, they did lead with the rats in this story, didn't they? The cockroaches were sort of, it's obviously easier to anthropomorphise a rat than a cockroach. And I wonder whether that's... I wonder whether that's because of Pixar and Ratatouille. Although now I think about it, there is a cockroach in Wall-E, which is fairly successfully anthropomorphised. But there we go. Well, I also think that part of the relevant factor here

is that rats are at least comparable to people in terms of their responses to drugs. Some of the people I know. Otherwise, why would there be so many rat trials? I mean, the amount of rat cancer we've cured wouldn't be relevant to us at all, but certainly good for the rats. But I'm not sure what getting high would do to a cockroach. I mean, cockroaches kind of look like they're high all the time. Maybe eating weed would make cockroaches like brutally sober and you just see them in the corner twiddling their thumbs

and reflecting on life. They wake up on their way to an office job and find themselves transformed into a man. Aren't they the only thing that can survive a nuclear apocalypse a cockroach the only sort of living creature i think that's just good cockroach pr i think if you have a nuclear bomb on a cockroach it's not okay yeah come to think of it a foot will do a lot of damage to a cockroach so a nuclear bomb probably will do the same. I just, you know, because then you can imagine a wonderful world

where it's literally just, you know, nature has taken over and it's just very high cockroaches and nothing else. Would they be happy then? Probably. And that brings us to our reviews section. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors

to bring in something to review out of five stars. What have you brought in for us this week, Tom Neenan? I'm reviewing sections of the alphabet. So very similar, you know, it's on brand, unknowingly, for your sort of two-year-old. Is your two-year-old doing the alphabet at the minute? Yes. There you go.

Well, okay, so maybe record this, play this okay i'm gonna go you through abc solid start four stars um it's it's a classic defg is a letdown on the start which is really strong abc so defg i'm gonna give three stars to because it doesn't quite live up to the hype hijk i don't like giving that one star because written down it looks like someone's greeting you and then immediately telling you that that greeting was secretly a joke and i think that's offensive um lmnop is the mvp of the alphabet not literally the mvp of the alphabet of the letters M, V, and P, but LMNOP is incredibly strong. I love it. I'm going to give that five stars. It rolls off the tongue. It's almost its own letter, LMNOP. Wonderful. QRSTUV, sort of the middle eight of the alphabet, is solid. Structurally,

it's solid. There's a lot of core letters there. Q sneaks in quite early, I think you'd agree, but I'm going to give that four stars as well. And then W, X, Y, Z, all the spiky letters at the end. So it goes out on a bit of a sour note, and I'm going to give that two stars, which averages out, I've worked out, I think, at 3.5 stars for the various sections of the alphabets thank you wonderful work uh on the alphabet there 3.5 stars and john luke what have you brought in for us um i'm going to review the new ghostbusters movie which i haven't seen but i'm going to imagine that i have seen it and discover to my surprise that it doesn't have any ghosts or ghost busting in it i went to see the new ghostbusters movie because I wanted to see some ghosts and ghost busting.

Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of this 174 minute film and there was not a single ghost or ghost busting in it. None of that had occurred. What a swizz. I went there because I wanted to see ghosts and ghostbusting, but they weren't there. Then I thought, actually, I'd be happy to see just some ghostbusting. I'm not really here for the ghosts at all. But my friend who was with me pointed out to me that you can't have ghostbusting without ghosts because

ghostbusting is the solution to the problem of ghosts. And then I thought, actually for the people in this movie, it was probably nice not to have to come up with a solution to the problems of ghosts by coming up with ghostbusting. And instead, they had lots of time to just get on with doing things that they liked and spending time with loved ones.

So I give the new Ghostbusters movie, which I'm imagining I've seen but I haven't seen, five stars out of five, because I believe that the serenity offered to its characters is a moral good. Wonderful. Imagine you thought you were seeing Ghostbusters, but in fact you were seeing Dune 2.

And at no point did you fully clock that you weren't seeing Ghostbusters. Yeah. Could you show the process of Ghostbusting without ghosts? For instance, could you, you can learn to drive a car but not be in a car so could you sort of show them ghost busting as in here's what we would do if there was a ghost we'd get our proton packs and things and do that literally everyone who claims to be busting ghosts in the real world is doing that, because ghosts are real. Oh, yes.

Alice, prove it. Because there's these people who are going around ghostbusting and I don't see any ghosts. It seems that that ghostbusting has been successful. And that brings us to poking news now. If you were on the internet back when social media was beginning,

you were familiar with the incredibly nuanced use of the Facebook poke. It has gone in and out of fashion. It has become useful and then cringe and then useful again. And now it is being brought back to the forefront of the Facebook interface. John Luke, you've got a face on you right now. Can you unpack this story? Well, it's not a huge amount to unpack, is there? The poke was one of the first.

And in fact, it's maybe Mark Zuckerberg's only true innovation was the poke button on Facebook, which was this thing which it wasn't quite clear what it did. But it said poke on it, which, of course, is vaguely suggestive. And it sort of alerted someone that you wanted to speak to them without you having to use, you know, words or just nodding them in the street. It was also one of those like virtualizations or something which in the real world you got someone's attention by poking them would definitely be rude but somehow by moving this to the virtual sphere becomes i don't know playful always had an air of creepiness anyway but now they then hid the button but you could still find it if you knew the precise url and then recently being the person who had that bookmarked

imagine having to give it to someone over the phone right so sorry what that's facebook.com forward slash okay yeah well I'll poke you next I think next Wednesday but maybe on Thursday we'll see when I have a have a space yeah they brought back the button

so the button is now more obvious. And now Gen Z are using the button, which is meant to be surprising. And in fact, I think it's just because they haven't got bored of it from those. I remember like a chain of back and forth poking somebody as some kind of in-joke in the first two weeks of Facebook being made.

When I say back and forth, I do mean on Facebook. Yeah, that's back. And in a world where anything new is shunned and then stolen, it's nice to have something very old reappear for absolutely no purpose Tom would you use the Facebook poke button now that you know that it's been revived run away zoomers run away I'm not on Facebook

and I would encourage them all to avoid this like then who have I been poking it's the early naughty social media whimsy that none of us want to see brought back what people do we really want to be back to a period of like throwing sheep at each other do you remember that when people i mean in news obviously your your neighboring uh new zealand that is something you can do literally. And that is a way of getting someone's attention that is legitimate, I believe.

But do we actually think that like... Every New Zealander I've ever spoken to has somehow brought up in conversation that Australia has more sheep per capita than New Zealand. Is that right? Even when I'm not bringing it up. They just like jump out. It's a bit like poking.

There's a new button, if you know the IRL to just tell you that Australia has more sheep for capital than New Zealand. I like the idea of the IRL rather than the URL. Oh yeah. That would be the opposite in real life versus. Wow. Okay. I think it's just where you tell someone the longitude and latitude of

where they stand. What's my IRL? Is that like the three words, my three words, where you have to like, if you get lost in the woods and then you call someone up and say like cabbage, sausage, sock, and then they can find you. Is that what that would be? Or have I just made that up? You've lost an owl, now that you're lost lost you don't want to tip the owl off and i believe you're talking about spells tom that's a spell oh yeah okay witchcraft we love it uh what three words is what it's called thank you if you're lost in the woods call someone up just say random three words and no a specific three

words and they'll come and get you that's not what we're discussing we're discussing poking don't do it young people you were doing so well with your voice notes and your whatever whatever young people are doing now um snap i don't want to be one of these people who's like on the snapchat because that's just i don't know that's i can't imagine snapchat as young people anymore i feel like snapchat was young people 10 years ago. What's the new one? It's poking. It's one round in a circle.

We're not meant to know. Oh, yeah, that's good, actually. I don't know. If I knew immediately, if I was like, oh, it's this, you'd all be like, okay. Okay, Tom, what are you up to? No, I don't know what young people do nowadays. I will say, just then is the first time I have acknowledged to myself that I am no longer young.

Well, comparatively, we're all very young still compared to, you know, mountains and trees. Yeah. So you should be very happy about that. I'm quite enjoying not being a young lady anymore. I thought I wouldn't like it, but I'm not an old lady. I'm not a young lady. I'm just a lady. It's quite nice.'t like it but I'm not an old lady I'm not a young lady I'm just a lady it's quite nice I like it yeah it does it also it's quite a good tagline for a movie not a young lady not an old lady just a lady she's no lady yeah she's a dame she's no lady She's a podcast host. And that brings us to our final story of today, which is that scientists allegedly are working on a pill that you can take instead of exercising. I can see no potential problems with this. Tom Neenan, you know how to swallow a pill. Can you unpack this story?

Sure. It's exercise now in pill form. This is how we used to mark innovation and how innovation has been marked, I think, since the 1950s, which is one day something will be a pill. People used to say it about food. One day food will be a pill. I see at some point in the 18th century when people were like spooning paracetamol into their mouths huge mountains of paracetamol they were like one day

this will be just a pill that we can take but for now it's basically just like big mashed potato that we have to mash into our maws anyway exercise is now a pill they've uh they've isolated this specific is it a compound slu pp332 which just sounds like a futuristic horror pill thing is exercise and sorry guys exercise quite good and it doesn't have to be you know going to the gym and lifting heavy weights exercise can be walking something that you know you can you can use to get about Or if you don't have the ability to walk, you can push yourself around, and that's still exercise. Exercise is actually a beneficial thing. And I think that maybe putting it into a pill form is going to, it's not going to yield the results that people want, which is

that their mood improves and all these other things. I think something shouldn't be pills. That's what I'm going to say. I think we shouldn't have films in pills. I think we should just watch films at the cinema. Music in pills, I don't think is going to work. And exercise in pills. I'm drawing the line there.

I'm sorry. Well, I mean, apparently this mimics the physiological effects of exercise, which is the least fun part of exercise. The bit where you feel like shit. shit yeah it's a pill you take and it makes you tired and sweaty it's weird that you would uh there is one there is one way i would go for this which is if the pill would like weighed about 30 kilograms the way that you take it is by lifting it up like 10 times in a row taking a break for a minute going back back to lifting it up 10 times in a row, taking a break for another, and then finally, you know, 10 more pickups. I'm welcoming the fact that it might be smaller

because I don't know if you've ever taken a medicine ball. They're hard to swallow and extremely painful. So if they can make those smaller, I'll be happy. This is actually quite a sensitive subject for me because my friend overdosed on exercise pills and got jacked to death. I'm so sorry. A friend of mine got jacked to death.

It's a different... I won't go into it. At the Overlooked Hotel, wasn't it? Yeah. I don't know that reference, but I assume it's awful. It was actually, you took a rather awful image and made it quite sort of highbrow. I took a naughty image and made it sort of highbrow cinematics.

Yeah. The Shining takes place at the Overlooked Hotel where Jack Torrance, played by Jack Nicholson, got already overdoing the Jacks there. My friend overdid the Jacks, so he died. And we're back in the game. And that brings us to the end of this week's episode of The Gargle. I'm flipping through the ads at the back.

Tom Neenanan have you got anything to plug not yet i uh go on my instagram is usually where i sort of put things to app tp neenan uh got some paintings on there that i like painting and stuff um and yeah uh nothing sort of upcoming that is sort of urgent but i'll always put stuff on there on my stories or something if i've got things to promote john John Luke have you got anything to plug? Yes my podcast Soundheap with John Luke Roberts is back

and you're both in it and it's now on a different stream so if you were listening to it before it's now under Soundheap with John Luke Roberts and it's a podcast made up of loads of made up podcasts and it's fun and it's a podcast made up of loads of made-up podcasts. And it's fun. And it's out with maximum fun.

And this week is the MaxFunDrive, where it's a listener-supported network. And if you support them this week, you get prizes, basically. If you sign up to them this week, you get nice little things like our pin badge, which is an ear with teeth eating a sandwich with Sound Eat written on it.

It is very good and has been lovely to see you develop also as a comedian and artist. Thank you. Wow, this is lovely. I'm Alice Fraser. You can find me online at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser if you want to support the baby having that I do as well as the work that I do there. You can find me online at patreon.com slash alicefraser if you want to support the baby-having that I do as well as the work that I do there.

I do two writers' meetings every week, and I have a salon as well every week if you want to come in a room and chat about ideas with me. I also write articles there and do actually quite a lot of stuff there. It's really worth your time. Patreon.com slash alicefraser, or you can just go to alicefraser.com and look up all lot of stuff there. It's really worth your time. Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser or you can just go to AliceFraser.com and look up all of my stuff.

This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.