The Gargle - Hired goons | Porn disposal | Hero dog

Episode Date: February 21, 2025

Siân Docksey and Alice Tovey join host Alice Fraser for episode 194 of The Gargle - all of the news, and none of the politics.💪 Hired goon app📬 Porn disposal box🐕 Hero dog🐄 Bird flu mk 2🙏 Tech bro religionWritten by Alice Fraser, Siân Docksey and Alice ToveyProduced by Ped Hunter, with executive production from Chris SkinnerWatch on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@BuglePodcastSubscribe to Realms Unknown - a brand-new fantasy, sci-fi and speculative fiction podcast from Alice Fraser and The Bugle!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/news/realms-unknownYou fund what we do!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a podcast from The Bugle. the final issue of season one of The Gargle, the last dance until someone asks us to dance again the end of an era unless we decide like every single piece of modern intellectual property to reboot the franchise with more money and less heart. The walls have been breached, everything's political now so we're retreating for now to the other podcast I host in the Bugleverse which is called Realms Unknown. You can sign up to that in your podcasting app. We could sit here and wax poetic about how much this magazine has meant to us so far, but it's not adieu, it's merely au revoir and let's be real, you're probably reading this while doomscrolling or wondering if you should get bangs again, or get banged again. We're flatteringly suggesting here that our listeners have sex. That's us!

Wear the goggle, the Sonic glossy magazine, Magazine to the Mugles Audio Newspaper for a visual world. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Alice Tovey. Hello Alice on Alice. Let's go. Yeah, let's Alice this to the end.

And Sian Doxie, how are you? I'm good. Happy to be the non-Alice representation for this episode with good DEI policies. For now, for now. It's needed. Look, we're getting rid of DEI, eventually this will be all Alice's all the way, top to bottom, Alice, Alice, Alice.

I'm delighted to have you both on board for this, the last episode of Season 1 of The Gargle, before we go on a little hiatus. Let's have a look at the front cover this week. The front cover this week is comedian Peter Kay at an arena show murdering a heckler with his bare hands. Oh wait, sorry, that's asking a heckler to leave. Sorry, the reaction from the public made me think he was murdering a heckler with his bare hands. Have you been following this news? Has it made it all the way out to Australia, Alice? No. So what happened with the murder?

Well, he didn't murder someone. He asked them politely to leave after they'd been heckling for the entire first half of the show. And people are very upset about it. Oh, wow. He waited until the entire first half was done. That is willpower unknown. I would have been an asshole from the jump. I walked, I walked a lady out by her beer once in Adelaide. I just took her beer and she followed her beer. And then I stood with my back to the door as she tried to get back in for the next 20 minutes and did the show from there.

By her beer, it's like one of those cartoon pies with the scent just wafting in her face as she lifts off the ground. This is a new standard for crowd work videos to share on Instagram. We've achieved actual deaths for engagement stats. Comedian destroys heckler. Ruins hecklers butthole. No wait, that's pornographic. Death by butthole though, like what a way to go.

The satirical cartoon this week is a crypto bro trader on a psychotherapist couch. The psychotherapist is saying the most insider of insider trading is insider your heart. And that brings us to our top story this week. Well wait a minute breaking news a new app has launched for Deliru type, Uber type service bringing you on-demand armed men. If you've ever wanted a bunch of massive men with massive guns to come rescue you from a bad date or a mob or if you've got a bunch of golden jewels to escort from one place to another but would really like a bunch of men with guns to come rescue you from a bad date or a mob or if you've got a bunch of golden jewels to escort from one place to another but would really like a bunch of men with guns to know exactly where all your golden jewels are most unprotected.

You can try this new app. Alice Tovey, you've got a bunch of golden jewels. Can you unpack this story for us? Why, I need some big men. It's quite wild. This is kind of like, like you said, it's Uber, but forgetting some fellas over. It's starting out in New York. This is how I learnt out, is Gotham a real city in New York? It's not just where Batman's from.

It's a nickname for New York. Oh, right. Never believe what you see in the New York Post, everyone. Batman's not real. Women aren't real. All these things they report on are not real. Is it actually a big apple? How do the doctors survive? But yes, and they say that you can get the guards to dress however you want. You can set their dress code if you want them to be incognito or you want them to be armed up.

Frankly, I'm looking forward to visiting New York and having an army of Austin Powers impersonators following me around keeping me safe. People will oh behave. Lae-Anne Bannister The dress up thing is pretty crazy because the people who seem to be using this app are 25 year old influencers. It's like when the oldest child is allowed to dress they're like baby brother or babysitter, baby sister, but the person they're dressing up like is a gun wielder in Kosovo. Look, I just think this is only a matter of time before someone runs short of strippers at a hen's

night and brings in a bunch of armed men with orders to come locked and loaded for lab dance. It just seems, you know, very much a sign of the apocalypse when we're getting on demand armed men, but maybe it's a beautiful sign of the democratization of access to armed men. I don't know. That brings us to this week's top story, thinking outside the porn disposal box news now, which is the news that in Japan traditionally utilized porn disposal boxes to keep people from just flinging away their old hentai tentacle porn on the streets when they were done with it, I assume.

They're being phased out because the internet lets you hurl your magazine out of the window in a metaphorical way just by Xing out the window. Sian, you are au fait with all of the ins and outs of ins and outing. Can you unpack this for us? Oh, the backstory of that is, so I've been a copywriter for a gay sex shop

for a number of months. So that has been my day job. So this city in Japan has specific bin boxes for people to drop their pornography into. So the kids don't find it and it doesn't litter the streets like MILF confetti. I'm gonna be totally honest. When I saw a picture of these boxes,

the first thing I thought was, somebody is gonna stick their dick in that. It is a very sexy bin. Hoh, it's a kind of bullet shape with a lovely slit entry point that just screams, feed me daddy and feed them they do. And so historically, people have gone in to drop off their unwanted pornographic material. These people are mostly men. That is what the journalists said. That's

not me projecting my correct assumptions. And the other interesting backstory is that it was mothers who campaigned to have these special bins installed in the sixties to protect children from finding daddy's favorite copy of tentacle babes. Also, even sexier aspect of the bins, they also have messages promoting children's wellbeing on them. Messages like feed them, remember to pick up the kids. The bar for fatherhood is extremely low. But there is an issue because most pornography consumption has now moved

online, so the bins are being phased out. People get their pornography digitally, and you can't just drop off an OnlyFans clip of Lily Adam's feet anymore because society's morals have crumbled. So many of these porn bins from magazines, DVDs, whatever, they're being removed from public settings, but there is a pushback.

Older Japanese men still make use of the bins as they prefer analogue porn, which does not mean wanking off into a cassette tape, but also, why not? If she didn't like the mixtape, you might as well find another way to enjoy it. And if your penis is pointy enough, you can rewind the cassette tape.

Deep cut for the millennials out there. So we're caught between Japan's local councils not wanting to spend money on maintaining the porno bins and angry old Japanese guys who want to keep them and obey the recycling rules like it's the law. They simply refuse to compost a horny DVD. I've thought about this disagreement and where I've landed is I am pro-bin because if there is a physical point that men can go to to dispose of this pornography could this be the solution to the male loneliness epidemic these old school porn guys are just like vinyl people they're choosing to ignore technological advancements

in their favorite media to consume and vinyl is basically music you can stick your dick into so everybody wins yeah I mean who needs a water cooler conversation when you can have a slowly cooling gizz conversation over the porn disposal pumps? Evie- I don't know though, Sian. I think I might be landing, I don't know if I'm anti-bin, but I'm skeptical of the bins because the article that we saw, it was from a Fukuoka in Japan, a 73 year old guy, he was tending to the bins. That just sounds like a guy who's too cheap to get his own porno mags. And I thought it was very interesting.

On a recent haul, he said that he found 16 books and 81 DVDs. Who has 81 DVDs now? That's so much porno. The great library of Alexandras burned down. There's a bunch of burning bushes. I won't stand for it. It's telling that he refers to them as a whole as well. This man is not committed to the disposing of these materials. It's very much a grim upcycling situation. That is good short-circuiting the recycling process, I think.

Porn should be used as many times as possible, is that what we're going for? I don't know. Reduce, re-wank, recycle. And that brings us to our ad section for today, because you can't be what you can't buy. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by Urban Canals. It's like if roads were made of water and you couldn't cross them. If rivers were made of concrete and full of shit. Canals, a taste of nature in a bucket of nurture. Now with added ducks.

And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by Realms Unknown. If this podcast is the glossy magazine to the Bugles Audio newspaper for Visual World, Realms Unknown is the inexplicable half-price book rack behind the newspaper stand at the newsagent's shelf. And my book is out.plicable half-priced book rack behind the newspaper stand at the newsagent's shelf. My book is out. It's called A Passion for Passion. I've done a show about the book because I don't know how else to publicize the book.

There are two more tour dates in the UK. I'll be in Leeds on the 24th of February. My final show of the tour is in London on the 1st of March at the Omnibus Theatre in Clapham. Tickets are available over at thebulepodcast.com and alisfrazer.com. Clapham, that's a available over at thebuelepodcast.com and alisfrazer.com. Clapham, that's the sexy name for a city, Clapham Peaks. Yeah. I was so thrilled that the theater is called the Omnibus Theater in Clapham because of the,

if you've ever studied law, you'll know about the reasonable man who sits on the Clapham Omnibus. Oh my god, Alice, that's so nerdy! I know. Is this man in front of a bin where you can, if you choose, donate any of your unwanted well-loved materials just for his academic interests? Almost certainly the man on the Clapham omnibus would have reasonable opinions about porn disposal. That's his only defining feature is his reasonableness. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by one of our medieval sponsors. In the wake of increasingly anti-expert sentiment in medical field, try the plague-proof big hood.

Protect thyself from foul miasmas with this innovative hood filled with aromatic herbs. Not at all cursed by the village crone.ards off disease bad smells unwanted goats bonus stylish crow-like appearance will strike fear into the hearts of the enemies why trust your so-called physicians and their potions of science when you can trust this natural remedy instead side effects may include boobos fever and a sudden unexpected death but fear not if symptoms persist simply apply more cast out demons of disease by occasionally wiping your face and body with up to half a glass of water. No more water than that as more water can contain niads and who wants those horny bitches all

over one's face? And expressions of interest for my writer's retreat in Switzerland are open now over on the link tree. Linktr.ee-alicefrazer. They'll be closing in about a month. So if you'd like to come to Switzerland and write something with me, published author Alice Fraser, it's a very chill, fun time. And we have lots of testimonials of people whose lives have been completely improved by coming along.

If you can't commit to the writer's retreat, try rocking along to my Sunday's writers meetings over at the patreon, patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. You get the links to the Zoom meetings where we write together for an hour and then have a workshop where you can get feedback on your work from me, publisher, author, Alice Fraser and also the other writers. If you're shy, you can just come and sit in on a Zoom session.

And that's the ad section for today. And heartwarming Runaway Dog being the hero, the people need news now. And this is the news of Runaway Dog Scrim, New Orleans unsung or very sung hero, Alice Tovey, you're a good boy. Can you unpack this story for us? Oh, say it again. Am I a good boy? Do I get a scratch on my soft tum tum?

Yes. Well, Scrim, Scrim is the ultimate good boy. They're a West Highland Terrier mix. I know a West Highland Terrier. Shout out to Wallace, he's my guy, and they are ungovernable. He is an absolute hero. You know this, in Australia, Alice, the worst thing you can call someone is a dog c***, but this dog c*** is officially a hard c*** and probably the sickest cest I've ever seen, which is the Australian

equivalent of me nighting him like well done. But the thing is about Scrim, you just can't nail him down. He keeps escaping. He's been adopted and he crawls out a window. There was a great quote that I saw in the article on Scrim that he stayed in with a volunteer for a while and they went home to adopt him, he went home with someone in April, and on the first night he bolted. And then in November, when he was with a new family, Scrim went upstairs to the daughter's

bedroom, scratched off the window cover and jumped down on the roof to the porch and was gone. Evie- I just love it. Tilda- This guy, he's fabulous! I mean, I have nothing to say except I love this dog's wild adventures. Another quote that I saw that I loved was a woman, she bought out her son's motorized scooter one night to chase Scrim, but that's why you can't get Scrim. Motorized technology is not getting my boy Scrim because the scooter only went for 15

miles and that was all that it had in its tank and Scrim got away. It outran the Lime Bike equivalent. I don't know what you guys have in the UK. Are Lime Bikes terrorizing you guys too? I assume they are also terrorizing New Orleans. I think people are heartened by the go-gettiveness of Scrim who was slated to be killed by the shelter and decided, no, he wanted to live. He's been shot at, he's been battered, he's been beaten. There's graffiti, there are poems written in honor of Scrim.

He's just got the resilience that we all wish we had. This is not a dog who succumbs to his clearly many mental illnesses. This is a dog that goes out and applies them to the public. I mean, you've got to ask him though, Alice, what is Scrim really running from? What's Scrim short for? Is it short for I won't tolerate discrimination and he's running away from the homes of all these well-meaning white gentrifying leftists? I get that.

Jess They treated me like a dog! Evie This story was so stressful because now this animal is at the point where he actively won't accept any help, like attempts to house him in a supportive home environment have just activated this like, also, this, this dog's only like three years old, right? He's not been around for very long. I think he's the Werner Herzog of dogs. Like the more you try to kill him, the more he rises. Like there was the scooter thing, but also they now suspect that he's I cannot wait to see the Werner Herzog's Grimm documentary. Werner Herzog.

People have got the tattoo of my 30 belly on to their ass. That's the temp. Don't put that in. Oh my God, I'm going to get cancelled for a bad word of hers. People have turned me into a candle. They set me on fire. It just keeps me going. It's awful. The thing with the motorbikes is horrifying. The dog has figured out that actually, if he swims upstream, if he runs against the direction of the cars, they'll be less effective at catching him. I'm very stressed.

I find this dog so sad and traumatized and I don't want him to be a candle. Evie- Grim's good though. He's great because like he's in, I want to say captivity now, he's with a nice lady and people are bringing him gifts like he's the baby Jesus and they're the three wise men. He's got a cult of personality, a scruffy hairstyle and he just won't f***ing die. This is the Rasputin of dogs. I cannot wait to see what happens next in the adventures of Scrim. Monie M, get on the recording studio. We need Russ Butin to the Scrim remix.

That brings us to our reviews section. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to review something out of five stars. Sian, what have you brought in for us this week? I would like to review my endless spiral of self-doubt, but in the style of an Amazon review of a low budget blender. Here we go. Ha ha ha ha. Three stars, does a good enough job,

would not recommend to a friend. Mechanism has reasonable power, crushing all ingredients, achievements, and sense of hope into a lumpy goo of uncertainty. Easily blends all positive and negative experiences into the same self-flagellating slop. Settings can be adjusted according to mood, ticket sales, number of podcast downloads,

or how many people responded to an Instagram poll. Awful, but reliable and effective, three stars. Beautiful work, beautiful work. How are you at crushing ice into self-loathing? The ice cools it down. Yeah, I'll take my self-loathing on ice, just so there's like a summer variation that I can enjoy in the park on Little Walkabout. How high is your self-loathing in protein? Can I add that to my workout smoothie? Yeah, I mean, it's bad for your mental health, but amazing for cardio.

Oh, I just want a thick ass. I don't need a good brain, just juicy bum. Alice, what have you brought in to review for us this week? Yes, so today I will be reviewing baby showers. Now, I really love babies. Babies love me. I've got a big silly face, so I'm their Beyonce. And a lot of my beautiful friends, they're having babies this year. So I've been showered with babies. Like forecast is cloudy with a chance of my beautiful friends, they're having babies this year. So I've been showered with babies.

Like forecast is cloudy with a chance of placenta. And the showers that I've gone to, I want to stress, they're great. They're fabulous. Nothing weird, but I'm starting to learn that my weird freak friends aren't the weird ones because some other moms at the showers told me about ones that they've been to and they are foul. It makes the Saw franchise look like going to a petting zoo. Like, heteronormative couples, are they okay? Do they experience human joy in the way that it's designed to be experienced by adults?

One month she told me that she went to an eating race at a baby shower where the guests had to feed each other baby food as fast as they could. No one wants that. I want to savor each bite of the baby food. That's my little mushy treat. That's my Shann's self-esteem smoothie. Yum, yum, yum. There was another game that they played called My Water Broke. Not even babies want to eat baby food. Have you seen anyone try to feed baby food to a baby? They're like, get the f*** out of my face and give me milk.

Another month, she told me about this game called where they ask the father questions. It's called Ask Dad. They ask him basic baby questions about parenting and they laugh when he says that the baby only needs 30 nappies a week. It's funny because he's incompetent. And one mum told me she went to a shower where they had to eat melted chocolate bars out of a nappy and guess the chocolate bar. I know people who have gone to hardcore

kink parties who would think that is shameful. So baby showers, I'm going to give you two stars, one for each of the showers I've attended recently, which may be my last, judging by the rest of these reviews from mums. But yeah, I hope that mums and dads are okay. All the best to those babies. And that brings us to our bird cow bird flu news now, which is there was an old lady who swallowed a flu. Oh God, who knew pandemic Mark two. This is the news that bird flu is spreading to infect dairy cows.

Alice Tovey, you understand virology. Can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, when one pathogen loves a pathogen very much. Look, I know very little about viruses, but this is the same version of bird flu that has caused the most serious human illnesses in North America. It's now turned up in dairy cows. Now, there's an expression that you'll only do something when pigs fly. Well, how about when cows fly? I don't know the symptoms of bird

flu. I don't know if it causes flight and I shan't be checking. One of my favorite quotes though, an epidemiologist, Megan Davis, she said, what experts are concerned about with the spread of this virus is that it could indicate another independent spillover into dairy cows, to which I say there is no use crying over spilt pathogens. Most of the human infections you'll be glad to know, they've been in farm workers and they've presented mild symptoms such as fever, cough and pink eye. And look, I don't want to judge but the pink eye sounds like it was chucked in there so the farmer could get away from having a torrid affair with the cows. Evie So I think so firstly it is offensive that we

haven't renamed bird flu for the cows. Like first they're infected and then they don't even get their own named flu, that is gas lighting. Also causes potential risk in the cow community to not call it cow flu, keep calling it bird flu, because the cows will be like, well, it's for birds, I can't get it. And then we have a generation of cow anti-vaxxers that keep the disease spreading. That sounds like the worst possible outcome. Basically, I think if you are not a farm worker, this is not a thing that need concern you yet. keep the disease spreading. That sounds like the worst possible outcome. Basically, I think if you are not a farm worker, this is not a thing that need concern you yet,

but if you do see a cow lying on a couch, watching DVDs of used Japanese pornography and sneezing a lot, steer clear, Hong Kong, steer clear. And that brings us to our final story clear, Hong Kong steer clear. That brings us to our final story of this week's episode of The Gargle, which is also the final story of this season of The Gargle, season one of The Gargle now over, going on a brief hiatus. What is the difference between a tech bro and God news now?

The answer is God doesn't think he understands the universe. This is the news of an up and coming Silicon Valley subsection of Christianity. This story is about a rising number of tech billionaires who are embracing religion as when you have everything you could possibly want. What more do you want other than to win the afterlife to at the occasion of the 40th birthday for Trey Stevens, who's Mr. Peter Thiel's venture capital partner. Peter Thiel gave a speech in which he spoke about his belief in Christianity,

confusing many of the attendees who said, he's gay and a billionaire, how can he be religious? And failing to notice that many people have been religious and hypocrites in the past. And also that, you know, Peter Thiel can do probably miniaturize some camels to get through the eye of the needle into heaven. Alice, have you embraced your Lord and billionaire saviour? I mean, Peter Thiel, that's, that's my Christian guy. That's a good Christian man there. I mean, let he who has not discriminated against Asian job applicants based on their race, said women shouldn't have the right to vote, called diversity initiatives evil and silly,

founded a company that paid $7.7 million to settle US Treasury Department debts for processing payments for individuals involved in selling black market nuclear weapons and saying I'd rather be seen as evil than incompetent cast the first stone. And, and, and, you know, you probably get an app where you can get a bunch of armed men to come cast stones on your behalf at that point. I think it's sort of all of a piece with this going back to conservative values situation that seems to be sweeping. with this going back to conservative values situation that seems to be sweeping. That's the newest fad. It's the hyper color high tops of tech bro billionaires is embracing

our Lord and savior. Alice, no, that isn't a fad. Come on. That's forever. I think it's going back even further than conservative values. I think we're in medieval saints period, because this PayPal guy now being hailed as a religious figure, let's have a patron saint of WeTransfer, let's have a patron saint of memes. People have historically always deified things that are useful to us like agriculture and fertility. Why stop? Let's have a patron saint of the protector app and scrim the dog. That's happened. To be fair, we are all sacrificing our lives in small incremental chunks to the god of reals content. I'm sorry, ladies, but I mean, not to mansplain as a she they but have you have you picked

up a Bible lately because I'm going to hit you with a verse. Now, I need some religious music underneath. I need some organs. Jesus went straight to the temple and threw out everyone who had set up shop, buying and selling. He kicked over the tables of loan sharks and the stalls of dove merchants. He quoted this text. My house was designated a house of prayer

and you have made it a hangout for c***s. Amen. And then he said, but if you're a tech bro, come on in. And then he said, like and subscribe, join the Age Masterclass. Premium religious services delivered to your doorstep by armed men in their spare time. Which you can dispose of in your local bin guarded by a Clapham lawyer. And that brings us to the end of this week's episode of The Gargle which is also the end of season one of The Gargle. We are going on hiatus. If you are missing us in your ears already please head over to Realms unknown and subscribe there but stay subscribed here because you never know when we'll be shooting back into your ear holes like some no we should know when we'll be

shooting back into into your ear holes put the joke together yourself because I'm done I'm flipping through the ad section at the back Alice Tovey have you got anything to plug? Yes, I'll be bringing shows to the Melbourne Comedy Festival and the Sydney Comedy Festival. You can go to alicetovey.com for tickets. That's Alice, like in Wonderland, or like Alice Fraser and Tovey. alicetovey.com. Sian, have you got anything to plug? You can watch my pole dancing comedy special, Pole Yourself Together on Go Faster Stripe. The link is on my Instagram and website. And subscribe to my newsletter for my current project,

which is Pole Dancing Spiders. And I will let people fill in the dots on that. And you can find me online at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. It's one stop shop for all of my stand out specials, podcasts and blogs, as well as my twice weekly writers meetings. You're welcome to join up there. The expressions of interest are open for my Swiss Writers Retreat. Realms Unknown is available. I have two more shows of my tour in the UK that is in Leeds and in London. Those are available at alicefraser.com and the buglepodcast.com. This is a bugle podcast and Alice Fraser

production, the editor is Ped Hunter, your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again soon. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.