The Gargle - Internet Explorer | Sexy bins | Headstone

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Alison Spittle and James Nokise join host Alice Fraser for episode 67 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast - with no politics! RIP Internet Explorer Mummified cockroach Sexy talking bins Headstone profanity ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. To whoever reads this message, greetings. It's our seventh day trapped in this cursed pyramid, alone with our thoughts and vague colonial regrets for messing with powers man what not of, or at least powers that man ought not what of, as we're discovering.

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This is The Gargle, the audio-sonic glossy magazines, the Bugles audio newspaper for Visual World. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and these are your guest editors, Alison Spittel and James Nokise. Welcome. Oh, wow, I'm feeling very glossy today. Oh. It's quite hot.

Oh, yes, yeah, that'll bring up a right gloss. James, you're wearing a high necked, high collar. You're in somewhere cold. I'm wearing a scarf, actually. Wow. The portable collar. I thought he was going to launch a new iPod or something. Well, thank you.

It feels very good. Well, before we practice our lockstep and march into the future, that is the stories for this week, let's have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week is the Kardashian sisters appearing ensemble, newly shorn of buttocks, launching a new and different set of unattainable beauty standards. Commentators fear they will relaunch a resurgence of the orange juice approach to the female body, which is the more condensed you become, the more powerful you are. The satirical cartoon this week is a diagram of your feelings when you do support collective action and workers' rights,

but also there's a rail strike on and you need to get somewhere. Well, that brings us to our top story this week, tech news. And sadly, we're all going to say goodbye to a dear friend of ours in the tech world internet explorer james nookise you're old can you unpack this story for us thank you alice it's just going to take me a while to read beloved fellow fans of internet explorer whose privacy settings have got many of us through a breakup in the 21st century. Sadly, they are shutting it down and moving us towards their new Internet Explorer that's not called Internet Explorer, but is called Edge, named, of course, after the famous Internet Edgelords of the second decade of the 21st century.

of the second decade of the 21st century. Microsoft seemed to have done this because they felt they were getting behind in pointless updates. Apple, of course, had cornered this market, consistently updating your computer software, even when you weren't sure what was happening. And Microsoft said, no more, no more. Will we just not update anything.

A lot of people don't realize that Chrome is still existing, which is what most people still use. And they're going to keep Chrome. I think that's important to point out, even though it has exactly the same flaws as Internet Explorer. But I think the main problem with Internet Explorer, as I understand it, is there was just one word too many. It's two words. That's too much for the 21st century. Well, I think the real problem here is that the reasoning they're giving for defuncting their Internet Explorer, if that's a word,

which it isn't, but I'm saying it is, so now it is, is that people are not making things compatible with Internet Explorer. And you know, the thing that you're meant to do as a web developer on your end is then maybe update what your compatibilities are. You know, these things develop and grow, but oh, I'm sorry, it can't, it doesn't work anymore. My thing, the irony, Alice, is that most people who use Internet Explorer have always struggled with compatibility just in life.

I find it kind of like really nice that the Internet Explorer has died but the Internet has chosen to dispose of the body by cremation. Like the absolute roasts that this Internet Explorer browser

was getting someone had built a gravestone in south korea it read on the graves and the gravestone it was a good browser to download other browsers and i think to have that on to having your incompetence written on your own gravestone you must have been quite bad as a product to be a piece of technology that's got a shitty enough personality that you uh weren't a gravestone i feel like all technology shouldn't have a personality that's when you know that it's good is when you don't notice that you're using it specifically that's true yeah i used to use the internet explorer a lot when i was a teenager going into chat rooms where i would talk to adult men and then tell them I was a teenager and tell them I was calling the police.

And that was my favorite thing to do. I thought by typing the word police into a chat room that it would automatically call the police right there and then to the man on the other side. So, you know, I'm glad the Internet Explorer is out of my life for most of my trolling days. I associate it with the website rotten.com. Do you remember that? No, alas. It was a website where you could look at autopsies and stuff

in the late 90s, early 2000s. And it was the first website I looked at as a child. And I feel it's definitely shaped me into the person I am today. No, I'm sure I was sent links by that by my brother's awful friends in my teen years, but it was not my go-to website. I would go to chat rooms or live journal. I was a big live journal person. I remember the first time someone showed me the internet, it was on a desktop on their

parents' dining room table. And they said, here, look at this thing. It's called the internet. You can call someone a prick online. And that's what we did. I mean, if we have a gravestone for the internet when it finally goes the way of the fishes, that will be on the gravestone. It allowed you to call someone a prick.

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with memories of a really heavy yoga retreat, but the kinds of emotional battle scars your HR manager will be seriously incapable of processing. That's our dissatisfaction guarantee. Shoot camp. Never take your functioning limbs or half a glass of water for granted again. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has the mike tyson ear bite cycling has lance armstrong baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate.

It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Broomgate. Available now. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com Now it's time for your 18th century cockroach found in a slave trading ship ledger news. I feel like the headline sort of bespeaks the content of the headline.

Alison Spittel, you've seen a cockroach before. Can you unpack this story? Yes, this 18th century cockroach was found in a slave trading ship ledger. This was found in Britain where most of the slave trading ship ledgers end up at some point. It's like the natural circle of life it's where they go back and then it began in west africa on a ship that sailed from la rochelle um in 1743 to guinea and when the when the book was closed it created a perfect microclimate for the for the cockroach to become mummified um and isn't it so strange like this

perfect all you need for the perfect conditions is to be on a ship that's uh you know uh like a ship that's full of horrible bad things that are happening into it and everyone's like oh look a cockroach has been mummified that's the worst thing in that ledger yeah ew a cockroach amongst all of this horrible horrible stuff written in it so it says here that like the ship's papers probably haven't been opened or looked at since the mid-18th century their first concern was do they have cockroaches right but this cockroach wasn't uh wasn't native at all to the uk so what they did then was they tried to use some radio radiocarbon dating and it failed as a technique because it wasn't accurate enough for that period right but i love this quote but using historical knowledge we are able to say it

seems pretty old and i'm like what give me more context for that. I can use historical knowledge and say that seems pretty old. But it's incredible. They've named him Perry. The cockroach is called Perry. And they've put him in his own little perspex. They've put him in his own little box now with a perspex lid. Oh, like Snow White. I know, with his own reference number and everything.

I'm sure she had that too. Snow White. I know, with his own reference number and everything. I'm sure she had that too. And he'll be kept in a drawer and available to order up for anyone who wishes to inspect him further in his special room in the National Archives. That's what they don't say about Snow White. She was part of a whole library full of ladies in glass boxes

and the prince just took her out using the Dewey Decimal System. And he's like, look, she's got her own microclimate here. Amazing. I'm just saying have they tried kissing the cockroach this might be someone do you know what they say that's available for someone anyone to inspect them in a further special room if any gargoyle listeners are listening and they they're at they're at the national archives if they want to kiss that cockroach for us to see whether perry will come back to life uh

i'd be very up for that um also it's just weird that like i'm i'm like the cockroach was on the slave ship i'm like do i like this perry like i don't i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel about this cockroach it seems like he was uh he had some company around some among some very shady characters you know allison um this is, I think, one of the most terrible things about the modern world is that you reading this article feel like you have to have feelings about this cockroach. I did.

I did. That's so true. I was like, probably was like, f*** that guy. I think you are not obliged to formulate an opinion about the cockroach it's fine okay i did feel like i was i was like trying to like give him context and go like you know perry didn't want to be there i'm sure like that was the way that was the way i was so that this story to me is very interesting that they they've basically found a cockroach between two pages, like you'd find in a used school book,

except this was in the book of a slave trader. And it's kind of nice, though, that it hasn't been opened in years. I don't know, it feels like you don't want to look through the cursed slave trading book. And then eventually someone's like, I'll open it. I'll have a look. Well, I mean, did you know that that hot flush feeling you get where you feel like that specific cockroach is crawling all over you,

that's what's called perimenopause. What? Oh, you're joking. This is like when you get me with a half a glass of water. Genuinely. James Nokise, how do you feel about the cockroach? This is like when you get me with a half a glass of water. James, how do you feel about the cockroach? Remember, you don't have to. No, look, I mean, I did my research.

I just wanted to be sure. And it's definitely from Africa originally. So that cockroach is on the right side of history. Okay, cool. It's called an American cockroach, but it originates from africa and i'll be honest guys this close to juneteenth that's as that's as deep as i want to dive on this one this is just the pacific islander backing away from the africa conversation this close to juneteenth that cockroach i think it is a bit weird that their their first instinct as an old imperial

nation was to register and confine it straight away. I think that's a little bit, you know, that's just the old instincts popping up. They were like, give it a number, put it in a box. It's like, oh, easy, easy Britannia. That's all the time we have for our history news now, because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. James and Okise, what have you brought in to review?

I've bought Turning 40 to be reviewed. And so far, I've got a bacteria infection in my gut, which is requiring me to take two tablets three times a day with food. And I'm cold because I'm in New Zealand. So as you will notice, I've got a scarf around. So I just don't know why it's happened so quickly. But just creeping up on 40, I'm immediately dressed like my dad and taking the same amount of medication. So three stars, and I'm only giving it that extra star because the medication is readily available and new zealand has a fairly good public health care system allison spittle what have you brought

in for us to review i'm reviewing uh today a boob sweat uh it's a the thing that i've uh come upon a lot more since the heat wave um i think it's a different type of sweat to other sweat um i would describe it as like if you would describe sweat in food terms, general sweat is like stock or a broth. And I think boob sweat is more of a consummate. It's been boiled down a lot more. It's very, very odd. So I'm giving it a two out of five

because it's very unpleasant, but I figure I would die if i didn't sweat out of my boobs like there must be a reason but uh yeah quite quite uncomfortable i mean this is amazing because last week tiff reviewed having big boobs in the summer so we are getting increasingly granular reviews of the situation of hot boobs oh shit tiff i'm sorry yet, less and less sexy somehow. If there's one thing I can do is make anything less sexy by talking about it in my new detail. And that's all the time we have for our reviews, or is it? Because I've brought in something to review this week,

and this is breaking news that I am going to review because I wanted to put it in the gargle, but I didn't have time to send it out to you guys. The Bitcoin whale, Michael Saylor, has urged governments to step in and regulate crypto. Oh, yeah. Oh, the delicious, beautiful irony. He's saying that there's all these scammers and horrible people in the crypto space, which we all always knew, and that they need government regulation,

which was the thing that they were invented to not have and so uh i feel like this is a five out of five story i have no notes but i'm opening it to the floor if any of you have comments i just love the term bitcoin whale as well i wonder what it looks like because when you think of a sperm whale it's never what it it's never what you think it looks like. You know what I mean? So with this Bitcoin whale, I'm just trying to figure out what it looks like. But yeah, to me, what would it look like?

It would have a fedora, I think, actually, on its little blowhole. That's the only difference. We're trying to sell you an NFT of itself. I mean, all Bitcoin whales are sperm whales, let's be honest. Like 90% of them are sperm whales. I think this is one of those just beautiful stories that you could see coming a mile off. It's one of those stories that explains itself in the same way as you go,

why is Elon Musk buying Twitter? It's not a profitable enterprise. Oh, you want to use it to manipulate consumer investors and make a bunch of money? No, no, no, that makes sense. So I'm very much, as I said said five out of five enjoying this story uh do do some research in it if you want some pleasant schadenfreude i do i don't think i heard it's it's crashing or it's crashed by like 78 percent or something like that yes which is uh yeah bitcoin 72 percent i think crashed um

but all the other cryptocurrencies have lost about 90% of value and yet the amazing thing is people who are into Bitcoin will still take the moral high ground to patronize you when explaining the importance of Bitcoin to you like it's so like you are literally the meme of the child

standing outside the burning house going won't you invest in Bitcoin you know what that would need half a glass of water for the burning house going won't you invest in bitcoin you know what that would need half a glass of water for that burning house hey high five high five i think i've done my first ever half a glass of water thing you're welcome great i mean you could have just scraped a cup under one of your boobs on a hot summer's day. I probably am producing half a glass of water, I think. Yeah. That's all the time we have for our review section now

because now it's time for our Swedish trash news. And this is the story of passive-aggressive garbage bins. James Nukise, you've known some passive-aggressive garbage bins. Can you unpack this story for us? Well, that's very kind of you, Alice, but as we both know, I was a passive-aggressive garbage bins. Can you unpack this story for us? Well, that's very kind of you, Alice, but as we both know, I was a passive-aggressive garbage bin through most of my 20s. The Swedes, as they are wont to do,

are trying to get people to put rubbish in bins, presumably because the Swedes have been littering, which is just a shock to, I think, everyone who's not Swedish. I think we always think of them as at least being able to stick it up their incredibly tight asses. But in order to motivate the Swedes to do it, they have got their rubbish bins, or some of the rubbish bins,

in their third largest city, Malmo, to talk in a male voice a little bit dirty. No, no, no, no. They had 18 aggressive male talking trash cans, and now they have

two sexy female talking trash cans. Oh, is that? I thought it was, if I misread that that which is to say that the trash can situation in malmo is the same as a comedy lineup i thought there was the men that were talking sexy and then they added the women no the men bark orders at you the women are like yum put more in me genuinely i was like what is this irish comedy tv because that's what it felt like i felt some PTSD. We're just slowly, slowly putting all the ingredients in place

for someone to be arrested for a public order offense for trying to f*** a trash can. I mean, we talk like that hasn't happened. And I'm looking at you. I'm looking at you, Hull. Yeah, they didn't even need anyone to say elephant to them they just that trash can with silence you know i like a quiet woman yeah it's quite an interesting thing to try and seduce people into not littering i feel like it's it is in its own way innovative

i think we've we haven't you know we've tried things to make environmentalism sexy, but we've never just gone full innuendo. Yeah, I mean, PETA does that. PETA, the animal rights people, they'll often just have a nude thing being like, we don't need to wear furs. Look at my tits. That's their kind of thing. My favorite part of this is the section chief

of Malmo's roads department, whose name sounds like a made up name. Her name is Marie Person. And she's told a newspaper that the trash cans were meant to give positive reinforcement to people who do the right thing by giving them a laugh, which I don't think it would make me laugh if a trash can started talking sexually to me, like if it implied that me putting rubbish in it

was somehow giving it pleasure. I think that would be deeply disturbing and, if anything, encourage me to litter. I don't consent to giving it pleasure. I think that would be deeply disturbing and, if anything, encourage me to litter. I don't consent to giving you pleasure. The other thing that person revealed is that the voice belongs to a famous person, not her, not Marie Person, a famous person, who doesn't want their identity revealed. So they're an anonymous but famous talking trash can.

This is so weird to me because it makes me feel like uh i it makes me feel like if i put trash into it it'll like release my inner dom where i'd be like yeah eat that trash do you know what i mean i mean like wow this is what it's like to be in a sadist masochist relationship with a bin it's a new form of european tourism where people go to malmo and just stand there violently throwing trash into a bingo you like that you like that trash don't you you're a garbage person i love the way that sweden is dealing with litter in general like i saw in the article that there was a a reference also to another town that had uh that hired a company that trained crows to pick up cigarette butts and like i think number one the origin story i would love to know where this guy

was like going into dragon's den i go i need 150 000 pounds to invest in my crow cigarette eating company he would be sectioned there and then but in sweden like they're like not as viable and the other thing is i think that crows picking up cigarettes could be used for so many other kind of social problems you know along with littering if i went to a town and i saw a crow of a cigarette in its mouth i would turn around i would reverse i would be like this town i would i would not start anything in that town i mean i think it is the most crime noir thing if you walk into a dark alleyway and there are three crows that look at you and they've each got a sag butt hanging out their mouth and they're all just like tossing trash into a bin next to it that's making seductive noises and for some reason

has a jessica rabbit dress on now i walked in and there she was eating trash off the floor like a bin three Three co-smoking around her. It's so weird as well the sexy things that they say this bin says. It's a dirty city and it's only getting dirtier. Yeah. Here's one of their sexy phrases.

Come back soon and do it again. Can you imagine if you said that? That's not sexy. That's needy you know someone's just you've just finished sex and you're like come back soon and do it again please also implies they didn't do that good a job yeah no have a think about it and come back again try something a bit different you know seven out of ten next time do it right sitting in the bathroom having a crisis of confidence going what did i do wrong

yeah you know you've really thrown that trash away when the when the trash can immediately falls asleep or it needs a cigarette straight after and a crow comes over and they're a cigarette butt. We are about to create a horrifying symbiotic sexual relationship between crows with cigarette butts and sexy trash cans. And repressed people who've gone specifically to Malmo

to feed trash to talking pigs. We are ten years from being swarmed by wheelie bins with wings. Trying to f*** you. Well, I'll skin you for the end of your cigarette. That is horrific. That is horrific. They'll be like, no, finish that cigarette first.

I'll take it then. I only like the butts, you know. Are you going to finish that cock? I like cigarette butts and I cannot lie. Sure, but other crows can't deny. When a man walks in with a lot of waste and he puts it in your face, you get... That's all the time we have for our sexy rubbish bins news because now it is time for our final words news.

This is the news that somebody has written their own headstone in a way that is going to cause trouble forever. So a man has decided to memorialise himself or his family has decided to memorialise him in the form of an acrostic which reads, forever in our hearts until we meet again, cherished memories known as our son, brother, father, papa, uncle, friend and cousin. Which is f*** off.

And apparently the people who were in charge of the graveyard, which was a thing I didn't know really existed, they're like, nah, get this out. And the family are like, no, we want to keep it. And now it's in the news and we've got to see it. It's wonderful. I hope they get to keep it. They say they might offend people that have gone to the grave

to mourn their family members. But genuinely, I think seeing the words f*** off is not the worst thing to happen to you if you're going to a graveyard to mourn. So I think everyone should calm the f*** down and let these people have f*** off written on their gravestone. James, do you know what will be on your gravestone? No.

I don't know if there'll be any land left for me to be buried. So I'm just happy for anyone who can get a gravestone. I figure I'll just get cremated and thrown in a Swedish bin, as is in my will. Where do you go? Oh, yeah, right there. Right there while your family mourn you. It does give a different meaning to feed him to the crows. right there right there while your while your family mourn you it doesn't it doesn't do it

does give a different meaning to feed him to the crows yeah um it's so strange because like my experience with graves and graveyards there was a there was a grave in my village i used to play in a graveyard when i was a kid and um there was a grave with no playgrounds or anything like that and there was um a grave with like four big fists coming out of the corners of the grave and i thought i thought that was like someone had told me that muhammad ali was buried there now muhammad ali was not dead and had visited ireland like that year so it definitely wasn't him but in my head I was like oh that's his grave and I like gave it the respect it deserved by never going near it so I didn't discover until my mid-20s that in fact Muhammad Ali wasn't buried in the middle of Ireland when I saw that he had

died like that's when I found out he wasn't he wasn't buried in my village that's when you found out the grave was belonged to the local fisting fetishist do you know what's funny i think it's the ulster unionist which is like yeah you could say yeah big fisting fetishist allison can i just say on behalf of all the listeners right now that is the most Irish story I think I've heard in such a long time that a young girl playing in a graveyard confused an Ulster grave for Muhammad Ali's while he was still alive I look forward to seeing the film did you make a traditional Irish song of it? You know, oh, playing amongst the gravestones.

And that's what I did see. It was a grave they said that belonged to Muhammad Ali. Even though he was alive. You are nailing the musical song. And it was plain to see. Oh, that's the day that I left Muhammad Ali. Anyway, sorry. That's so good there's a hollywood producer listening to this right now going get ed sheeran to sing it get ed sheeran to

sing it well that's all the time we have for our end of life news because the end of the show now we are flipping through the ads at the back uh alison spittle have you got anything to plug oh yes i've got a show that's coming to Edinburgh. It is called What? I'm going to be previewing in Bath, Brighton and Leicester very soon. I've sold four tickets for Leicester. So if you're around Leicester, please God come because it would be worth me going. And yeah, come to see me in Edinburgh.

I'm on at 4.45 every day, apart from the night where I'm going to be a bridesmaid for my sister but come along every day it's going to be fun it's a show about well it was a show

about aqua aerobics but really that's decreasing decreasing decreasing and it's more about contraception at this point so enjoy

it'll still stand the name wet if you enjoyed this episode and would like to be one of our roving reporters you can be one of our roving reporters by tweeting any funny stories that you like at

at HelloGogglers on Twitter. And thank you to James VT, Fran Sarrell, Danny R. Blay and Modest Mole Rat for sending us in the sexy talking bins. It's almost like you knew we would like that. And Modest Mole Rat and Rod Funk for sending us the acrostic headstone story. James

Nukise, have you got anything to plug? Not really. I'm coming back to the UK for the first time in two and a half years. I'm looking forward to just seeing everyone, seeing what's going on. I'll be in Edinburgh. I'll be doing a show around four o'clock each day so you can come and

find me there. Otherwise, I'll just go and see Alison and Leicester for the love of God. Call your friends, call your family. Let's just accidentally sell out this Leicester gig for Alison. That's what I want to say.

It's my birthday next week, listeners. Give me a great birthday present and go sell out Alison's show in Leicester. Or at least more members than Blazing Squad. As an audience, if you could be bigger than Blazing Squad or S Club 7, I'd be quite happy. And I will also be in Edinburgh with my show Kronos,

which will be at 9.15 at the Gilded Balloon. I'll be there the whole month, and also up and down the country in various places as well. Look me up on Twitter at illiterateve, A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E, also the same on Instagram. Or find me on or find me on or find me on or find me on

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