The Gargle - KFC bust | Teletubbies | Butt jizz

Episode Date: September 23, 2021

Dan Ilic and Anuvab Pal join host Alice Fraser for episode 30 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast - with no politics!🐔 KFC smuggled into locked-down city🐝 Bees vs penguins 📺 Teletubbies 'little gay demons' 🇫🇷 Arc de Triomphe wrapped💦 Man ejaculates out of anusThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. There once was a man from Nantucket who kept his crown jewels in a bucket. He didn't like waste and displayed his good taste by listening to The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. This is The Gargle. I am your host, Alice Fraser. Your guest editors for this week are Dan Illich. Hello, good to be with you.

And Annabelle Powell. Alice Fraser, always wonderful to be here. We're about to plunge into the shiny pages of this magnificent magazine, but let's first have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week is Korean boy band BTS opening the UN general debate. And the satirical cartoon this week is Korean boy band BTS opening the UN general debate because that happened and sometimes you just can't write satire. The alternative satirical cartoon this week is God sitting on a cloud looking disgruntled and saying,

Hey, I was the first man who had everything to decide to fire myself into space. saying, hey, I was the first man who had everything to decide to fire myself into space. Let's go into our opening section, lockdown latest, which is not political because, of course, we don't do politics on this show. But the latest coming out of politics. Daniel, it's your with me in Sydney in Australia. So we've been in lockdown for a while.

Do you want to unpack this story? So out of New Zealand, interesting story. A lot of cities in the Antipodes are in lockdown, including Auckland, and a stack of cash has been discovered in a car going from Hamilton to Auckland, but more than that,

it was also filled with incredible amounts of KFC takeaway, and the police decided to display it like they displayed a drug bust on the front of their car. So instead of seeing bricks of cocaine, you saw buckets of KFC. I'm sure it was Zinger-quality KFC too. So it was pretty amazing stuff there.

But what they discovered also was there was this $100,000 worth of cash and as well as that, little empty ounce bags as well. So this is quite a nefarious KFC heist probably underway. Though it was $100,000 New Zealand money, so that's about $35 Australian money, which is about the normal price for a family meal in Australia at KFC. It's about three pounds in UK money. About three pounds in UK money.

The thing that does concern me is the empty ounce bags. What are these people doing? Were they selling nuggets on the side individually? Were they taking full chickens, chopping them up and cutting them with washing detergent to make their own nuggets to sell at a higher value on the street? These people are going to ruin the street nugget trade for the rest of us, let me tell you. There's nothing worse than buying a six pack of bagged nuggets from your local dealer. You know, back in my day, nuggets were pure uncut chicken. Now you don't know what you're going to get.

To clarify for the listener, Auckland is under a very high level of lockdown where all of their restaurants are closed. The only things that are open are supermarkets. So I can understand the black market rise in KFC smuggling. Anuvab? Look, Dan, Alice, I have to tell you this. A little bit of contemporary Indian history. Till the 1990s, McDonald's, KFC, all these things were banned in India.

When I read this news story, you know, I didn't see any satire in it. Because if you were coming through customs and immigration in India in the 1980s, they would search you for Big Macs and Coca-Cola, because none of this was available. And we had a guy who was arrested with 14 Wimpy's burgers. Do you remember Wimpy's? That used to be a company. And he spent six months in jail. So all this brought back for me were memories of my childhood where Coke and McDonald's were banded in there

and you'd have to smuggle it in your pants and then get it into the country and eat it. Oh, my goodness. And, you know, Oporto in Australia is renowned for its chilli chicken burgers. I can't imagine women secreting those in their cavities on their way back into India. That's a tragedy waiting to happen.

I mean, the nature of fast food is that it tastes horrendous any more than like 45 seconds after it's served. So I don't really understand this like day two fast food situation. Yeah, I can imagine walking it across the border. Like I can imagine buying it in Pakistan, putting it under each armpit, keep it nice and warm, nice and sweaty, and you're crossing the border and that's how you can get it in and still be delicious. Absolutely correct. It's only an hour from Lahore to Delhi.

You could serve it hot. Yeah. Oh, this smells so delicious. And is that Rexona Sport? Sensibly, we've ruined the relationship between the two countries. So now it takes nine days to get from Pakistan to India with a Big Mac. So when I read this story, I didn't even laugh. I just thought, oh, 1987.

I see what's going on here. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. Are you always forgetting your keys? Are you sick of not being able to go into other people's locked homes? Then you need Battering Rams. Battering Rams, your invitation to everywhere. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by armadillos answering the question what if a bowling ball had legs

if you're into ivermectin as a cure for covid it's time to ask what else have horses been hiding at big farm pharmaceuticals we've got anti-aging horseshoes saddles that cure cancer and jockeys that raise the dead it's not real medicine unless it's also used by horses. I'm so thrilled that there are going to be so many people who don't have horse worms. That's the real miracle of this pandemic. The thing about ivermectin is it is also used for humans, and that is, I think, one of the points that these people make,

people who believe in ivermectin. It is used for humans, but it is very importantly used by humans for a completely different purpose. And all of the evidence that indicates it should be used for humans regarding COVID has been either debunked or non-existent so far. I know this podcast is not political, but I saw a comment today on Facebook. It was so mind-meltingly dumb. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before we do any politics, we have to have Ped have the politics button on hand. So if he strays into politics, Ped can hit the politics button. And it was something along the lines of, well, they give all the unvaccinated people in hospital ventilators. And we all know that's the wrong treatment. All those people who are unvaccinated are dying and it's because they're being put on ventilators. It's like, oh, my God,

there's a reason why the vaccinated people aren't on ventilators. God, help me. It's very frustrating. Can I just quickly say, sorry, Alice, that the reason I love your ad section of this wonderful podcast is that sometimes I have no way to describe my friends. Yesterday I had dinner with someone and if only I had these words. Now I was telling someone this man is kind of stupid, but I think the right word is he's a bowling ball with legs. I just didn't have the words.

Maybe English is my second language. That's why I need to listen to your ads. I mean, the question that a bowling ball with legs raises is which holes and which fingers? Yeah. I don't know him all that well, Alice, so I couldn't prove that. That was a strike. Acast powers the world's best podcasts.

Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom.

It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com It's time to get into our animals section now. As you know, at The Gogglele, we love an animal story. And this indeed is an animal story. This is a story about multiple animals at the same time.

Bees and penguins. Dozens of endangered penguins have been killed by bees in South Africa. A story of epic tragedy. Anuvab, pal, you know animals. Can you unpack this story for us a little? Obsessed. I'm obsessed with animals. I often see myself as South Asia's small brown David Attenborough in my spare time.

I don't know if it's inappropriate to say that, but look, I think I've seen enough wildlife documentaries where crazy fierce creatures go after each other. We've all seen it. Hyenas versus lions. You know, I mean, that's pretty much how I managed to spend the pandemic. But I think it's time now for harmless creatures to go after each other. You know, you'd often associate penguins with what? Cartoons, funny films, documentaries about fathers going out and fishing and coming back and feeding the family.

But a full scale bee versus penguin war. That's really what we want to see. You know, and it opens the door to so much peacocks versus cows. You know, there's a large range of animals that need to go after each other that haven't gone after each other in the past. It would have to be peacocks versus giraffes because I feel like the underlying conflict here is a competition between the nattiest dressers of the animal kingdom, given that both bees and penguins have extremely snazzy uniforms. Maybe it's not, you know, I don't know, maybe climate change forcing them into one another's habitats in a way that is ecologically unsustainable. Possibly it's just a competition of sartorial splendour. Dan?

Yeah, it's a real sad story in many respects. 63 penguins died after a swarm of bees killed them all in Cape Town. Is it a sad story or is it the victory of the underdogs? No-one thought the bees could take the penguins down. Well, I'm not feeling terribly sorry for these penguins. The breed name of the penguin, I don't know if you read this story, it's called the jackass penguin. So I think for a breed of penguin who is completely famous

for their cruel and ridiculous daredevil pranks, they really had this coming. I once saw a jackass penguin slide down a glacier of solid ice at about 100 kilometres an hour and headbutt its own father square in the cloaca. I mean, this is the kind of jackass kind of behaviour we're expecting from this kind of penguin. Perhaps it was just a jackass penguin stunt gone wrong.

One jackass penguin says, hey, first one to headbutt bees gets two tickets to the Super Bowl and then all of a sudden you've got a whole colony of jackass penguins trying to headbutt bees. But I've actually done some digging. I went to the Cape Town Chronicles and I came across a letter to the editor that suggested these bees were actually robot bees

trained to kill penguins. Now, these investigators worked out these mechanical bees were built by Wayne Enterprises, of course, owned by eccentric billionaire Bruce Wayne. But it is a bit of a mystery as to what he wanted to kill penguins for. No one knows what Bruce Wayne has against penguins or if he has something against one particular penguin in particular. We don't know.

But anyway, who knows? And we may never know. This is tremendous research, Dan, tremendous. I often wonder if Bruce Wayne has something against jackasses more than he does penguins. Well, a spokeswoman for the South African Nature Conservation Authority, Lauren Howard Clayton, told the DPA news agency on Monday that authorities are now searching for the beehive in order to find out what may have triggered the bee attack.

And I don't know how you go about interrogating a hive of bees but please let that be live streamed. We've got to think this happened in South Africa and a group of American penguins didn't get attacked because it'd just be a drone strike on any beehive that Joe Biden can find. Press the politics bell, Ped. No! No, sorry, Ped.

I'm so sorry for soiling your podcast. That's all right. That's all the time we have for our animal section anyway because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, every week we ask our guest editors to bring something in to review out of five stars. Dan Illich, what have you brought us today? I've gone a bit old-fashioned.

You know, they're not very popular anymore, but I've really gone for the collateralised debt obligation. It's a, you know, people haven't really got into it since about 2008. But if you do have a bunch of mortgages with different credit ratings and you really want to confuse, you know, a merchant banker to buy it, then you can just kind of bundle it up, you know, put a good one in there, put a couple of other bad ones in there. It's not unlike cutting perfectly good chicken breast with washing powder to create street nuggets.

But, you know, I've done the wide, tired, expired. So, look, wide as lockdown store, a CDO filled with mortgages for Airbnb apartments. That's wide. Tired, a CDO of mortgages filled with apartments owned by families who have one child they don't like but they're expecting another child. And expired, a CDO filled with mortgages of circus tents because no one is going

to the circus anymore. It's all online these days. This is absolutely brilliant. Dan, you were needed in 2008, meeting with the Federal Reserve when the world economy was collapsing with this financial advice. My memory of collateralized debt obligations from like a Planet Money episode in 2009. And I think about collateralised debt obligations about six times a year. So because of that one episode. How many stars is that, Dan? Out of five, look, I'll give it three.

Valid. Anuvab, what have you brought in to review for us today? I mean, Dan has really sort of, you know, summarised the entire mutual fund industry and combined two worlds I never thought possible, daily comedy and, you know, high debt finance. So I just want to contrast that by reviewing something completely different. I'd like to review, and I can't bring it from the bathroom, my electric toothbrush. I mean, if you were a teenage girl, this would be a different

kind of show. But carry on. Well, in the pandemic, I have been going in that direction, Alice, I do, I do identify more as a teenage girl than as a middle aged Bengali man. But my dentist happened to tell me that I have dubious gums. I didn't want to explore that further. She said to get rid of your dubious gums, you need an electric toothbrush. And I think the electric toothbrush really summarizes the world post-pandemic, which is it does the thing for you. You feel like you're doing work, but it does the work for you. So you feel like a productive member of society, but there's a battery-operated thing that's doing the thing for you. So you feel like a productive member of society, but there's a battery operated thing that's doing the thing for you. So you're essentially a vegetable, but you feel good about yourself.

And I think in the post-pandemic world, that's all of us, you know, with just stuff, you know, Netflix, Amazon all coming to us. We're sitting there with our dubious gums, unsure of our future, but still with clean teeth. So I'm going with the electric toothbrush. You don't even have to move it from side to side. It just does everything. It swirls around. It can even sort of do a little flip in your mouth. There's an entire Russian gymnast at work on your canines. So for a man with dubious gums, I'm giving it three and a half stars

because it's probably going to outlast my life partner. Three and a half stars because it's probably going to outlast, you know, my life partner. If it's got like a little Russian gymnast inside, I also would love like an add-on attachment, like a little Russian gymnast coach that you can put on the vanity to yell at the Russian gymnast in your mouth. I think that's a necessary next step. That's all the time we have for our review section because now it's time for our children's section. Our children's section is the news that Teletubbies have been accused of being little gay demons for their support of Lil Nas X,

which is shocking to me because I thought that the whole point of the Teletubbies and the reason that anyone ever watched them was that they were little gay demons. That was the plus point. Dan, you know all about Teletubbies and the reason that anyone ever watched them was that they were little gay demons. That was the plus point. Dan, you know all about Teletubbies. You're in television. Can you explain this story? I am in television. So let me just make that clear. Sometimes I'm in television. When they let me be in television, I'm in television. Speaking of in television, the Teletubbies are in television. Now, if you don't know the Teletubbies... Television is in them. It's a recursive inception situation.

It's such a weird thing that the Teletubbies are making headlines in 2021, full stop. And it's also such a weird thing that strange conservative voices are complaining about it and then it's a weird thing that people are writing about it and then it's a weird thing that we're talking about it on a podcast. Like, it's so strange that someone has cared enough that a woman with 11,000 followers on Instagram

had an opinion enough to write about an article about it in the first place. It's so bizarre that this has happened. Here's what I think. The Teletubbies in their own right, they've only got like 52,000 followers on Twitter. And here's the thing. Now, I've added up Anauvab, Alice, mine,

and producer Chris's Twitter followers. Between us, we've got 99,000 followers. We should be doing a collab with Lil Nas X. You know, Andy Zaltzman, the owner of this podcast, alone has 132,000 followers. And he is a man that could easily fit into the Teletubby universe. Not as an actual Teletubby, maybe like a side character, like a disgruntled postman or a guy that hides under the bridge

that demands money before you cross it. You know, he could do a Lil Nas collab. I want to see the Lil Nas X Zaltz Cricket crossover, Old Trafford Road. That's what I want to see. Dan, if I could just add, I've always seen Andy Zaltzman as the Lil Nas X, Zaltz Cricket crossover, Old Trafford Road. That's what I want to see. Dan, if I could just add, I've always seen Andy Zaltzman as the Lil Nas X of cricket. I agree, yeah. He's got a little belly with a little TV on it

and little aerials beaming obscure cricket statistics to his head. I have a quick question for the both of you. I've been following this story, and is the issue with Lil Nas X that in the sort of toxic masculinity world of rap there is actually one person who's living in 2021 so they don't like him because

Lil Nas X. Also I love that Dan Illich's metric for fame is number of Twitter followers. I think the target audience for the Teletubbies is probably not on Twitter yet. I know I'm not allowed to do politics, Alice, but that's also Prime Minister Modi's gauge for how

to run the country. How many Twitter followers? Hit the bell! Hit the bell! Here's the thing, Sebastian Gorka gets a run in this article, in several articles I've read about this story. Sebastian Gorka, former aide to Donald Trump and conservative talkback person, and he said that the Teletubbies started the trans movement

because one of them wore a dress once. Them, by the way, a Teletubby, a benign, colourful, genderless, alien character with a TV on their belly and an aerial in their head. Like, this is what he's talking about here. Can someone please send Sebastian Gorka a copy of Monty Python? Or the Australian footy show where rugby league players sought to negate their masculinity by dressing up as women.

It just ignores me that these idiots can say things and their media industrial complex then reports on it and then we have to make jokes about it. Well, when people who are otherwise, I mean, at least theoretically being taken seriously, concentrate all of their ire and criticism on children's content, I always find it amusing because the point of children's content is to slowly wean children onto the idea that the world

is a bleak and meaningless place. And whether they do that through surrealism or through Postman Pat or through locking up pat like or through locking up one of the trains behind behind a brick wall in thomas the tank engine forever as punishment for bad behavior like i think a lot of children's content doesn't bear great scrutiny and and the more that important people pay attention to it the more confused i am and if the teletubbies were true to form they'd unplugged, just like every other free-to-air television network around the world is being unplugged.

That's all the time we have for our children's section now. It's breaking news, by the way. Breaking news. Earthquakes in Melbourne have caused damage to buildings. A friend of mine is offended I didn't tell her about my pregnancy and won't return my calls. And my nephew has learned how to throw fragile shit. That's your breaking news section.

Now it's time for your art section. This is, as you know, at the Gargoyle, we have a love of art. And the big question mark of art is what is art and is this art? And in this instance, the question mark hangs over the Arc de Triomphe, which has been wrapped by Christo and his wife and collaborator, who's often left out of applause for his work. This is the Arc de Triomphe. Anna-Babio, the closest of the bunch of us to the Arc de Triomphe, can you unpack this story a bit? Closest, can I just clarify, geographically or romantically?

The latter, the latter, always Dan, the latter. I roam around Champs-Élysées just like a sperm lover on a regular basis. Christo and Jean-Claude have both wrapped up the Arc de Triomphe, is the baseline of this story. If you remember, they do this with a lot of world landmarks. I think some years ago, Alice, if I'm not mistaken, they put yellow, orange flags all across Central Park in New York, and they covered all of Central Park with an orange sheet, which went down really well

with Hindu fascists, who looked back on that day as a sort of memorable starting point for their movement. So these artists, they tend to do this thing, they take big landmarks, and I think they're Belgians, they cover important landmarks with, you know, various kinds of cloth. And I can think of a couple of important landmarks, the Taj Mahal, for example, you know, if we covered it with the pride flag, that would be quite interesting. you know if we covered it with the pride flag that would be quite interesting I think they're not imaginative enough if you're asking me to review Christo and Jean-Claude I just think they're taking predictable monuments and covering them in predictable colors I mean an

important feature of this story is that they're both dead and they planned this about 60 years ago but this is the thing the juggernaut of art carries on. Jean-Claude died in 2009 and Christo almost lived to see this completed. He died in May last year in New York at the age of 84. But that did not stop him

or her, both dead, spending $16.6 million or 14 million euros wrapping the Arc de Triomphe in polypropylene cloth. Yeah, that's the thing. Now, Alice, I had forgotten that they were dead. That's how important they are as artists.

I didn't remember. And I think that that's the whole point of being artists nowadays, is that you should be alive to be discussed, cancelled, brought back, revived. Somebody told me that Caravaggio, the famous painter from the 14th century, he was a murderer. He had murdered a couple of people for unpaid debts. And even though his art hangs in every great museum of the world, his murder trial apparently is still open in the city of Florence. So they're still willing to listen to witnesses for that murder trial so i think you know in that same vein do artists really die or are they just living forever covering various shit with cloth

this goes to like you know i've got a system where i delete my tweets after 90 days um i you know i can't believe cristo hasn't managed to figure out a way to erase or cover up his own work after 90 days. This is one of those things. I didn't know also they didn't know that they had died, and I was getting really outraged that there wasn't a quote from Christo saying, well, since this is the last thing I'm going to do in my career, that's a wrap. I was really annoyed about that.

And I just think his shtick is so valuable, right? It's such a shame he's dead. You know, it costs $16 million, which is, I mean, I guess in one respects is good value. I asked him to wrap a book at Harrods once and it cost about the same. But the point is, it's really valuable. He's sitting on a gold

mine and a lot of red rope. He could, there's a whole dedicated channel, or many channels on YouTube, of people unboxing things. Correct. If Christo was alive today, he could start a whole YouTube channel of wrapping things.

Just, you know, things in his life. A PlayStation 2. Old copies of the National Geographic. He could wrap... He's wrapping, yes. Wrap 25,000 metres of polypropylene fabric. That'll be exciting. Wrap it, put it on YouTube. People will love to see it.

People will pay good money to see it. There's more to this than Christo just dying is. I'm going to become the Christo on YouTube. I'm going to become the rapper on YouTube. I'm just going to start wrapping things and raking up the millions of views that way.

We did do this as children's news and arts news following, but we could have just done this whole thing with a section on rapping news. And that would have been Lil Nas X plus Christo story. Yeah, exactly. And the thing, Alice, is the way Jean-Claude and Christo can be alive is if they just issue statements. So, you know, even though you're dead,

what's stopping you from supporting Lil Nas? You know, you set out a statement. At that point, you are alive, your art is alive, and the Arctic Triumph is wrapped in your nonsense. And, Avab, could you please, since I assume you're a little bit older than me, could you please put out some statements in your will for the next 20 years just about Alice and I?

Just, like, occasionally pop up. You know, to be released in, you know, 2060, 2070. Oh, 100%. I mean, I've already put down my grandmother's samosa recipes for you and Alice. It's been bequeathed. So that statement will come out next week. Excellent.

I mean, that's my version of Cameo. People keep asking me to sign up to Cameo, but I've signed up to Cameo Brooch, which is I'll give you messages to you and your loved ones for their birthdays, but long after I'm dead. Can't cancel me now, bitches. That's all the time we have for our arts section, because now we have one more piece of under-wraps news, or news that probably should have been kept under-wraps.

And remember, this is a family show. A team of doctors has documented what they've called a curious case of rectal ejaculation a 30 year three-year-old man sought medical attention and basically way too late um for years apparently he'd had problems in that general area including passing gas in his, urinating faecal matter and passing a substantial amount of urine and semen from his rectum, for which actually there is no medical terminology for that because it's so unusual. Anyway, basically all of his holes were going in the wrong directions. Dan, your mother wishes you were a doctor. Can you explain this story for us? Oh yeah, this is such a sad story, having a

gigantic hole in your abdomen where you are passing pretty much everything through. I think there are people watching this story closely going, oh that actually might be a good idea. Probably there are Apple engineers going, you know, if we built humans we'd only have one hole for everything. The new Apple cloaca I think would be a great addition to the human body. New Apple Cloaca, I think, would be a great addition to the human body. The thing is, he had this going for two years. Two years. So, yeah, this is the thing.

Of course, you don't want to shame people for their medical issues. No, no, no, not at all. I think you do want to shame people for not seeing a doctor for something that is clearly a worry. Yeah, I mean, he's 33. I can only assume that this happened when he turned about 30. He was like, oh, well, I guess this is just what happens. You get married, buy a house, come out your bum hole. This is just what happens, Brian.

Get used to it. You're getting 30. You're getting older now. Yes, he should also get surgery, but he should also get a shrink because I think he's probably suffered some serious damage in those two years because it's not normal, Brian. It's not normal. You should never hold it does everything.

That's the thing. Of course, we want to embrace the full spectrum of human experience and there is no such thing as normal, but there is such a thing as not normal. You should never hold it as everything. That's the thing. Of course, we want to embrace the full spectrum of human experience and there is no such thing as normal, but there is such a thing as not normal. There is, yeah. But I would have loved to have been with him the day he was told that this is now how the rest of us do it. Are you trying to say that the cum doesn't go out the bum? But they rhyme?

That's not called a coming of age? Yeah, yeah. Just a 30 suddenly all your holes switch? I bet his first reaction was, that's impossible, no. And then he'd just walk away. Kind of like the vaccine debate. Well, if we can take a message from this, and we should all take a message from this,

is this could happen to any of us at any time and we should not wait years to get it sorted. Because it is something that you can get sorted. Can we make this a PSA from the gargle? Just check that your holes are doing what they should be. If you've got some semen in your poo, go see a doctor. And just in addition to that, just read more to know to know how bodily functions work this is kind of like prime of life stuff you know for this guy you know 30 years old

if he's trying for kids there's a good reason why it wasn't happening alternatively if they now want to try for kids i don't think people would be into that but this is the problem with the world if you spend all your day watching TikTok videos, you won't know what orifices you need. This is the thing. That's true. That's true. I think people who want to transition to a cloaca,

I think I support them. We should say a pro-cloaca movement. They need all the support that they can get, mainly pelvic floor support. Well, that brings us to the end of the show. We're flipping through the ads. When God closes a door, he opens a window. But what if you don't want to go outside?

This is our ad for a room without any kind of entry or exit. It's just a box. Just an ad for a box. Anuvab, have you got anything to plug? Well, I'm doing some shows in London around for the next month and our podcast, Our Last Week, which is a weekly update on

the general orgy that we refer to as the Republic of India continues. And I am going to now reinvest in CDOs after listening to Dan's brilliant summary of the subprime mortgage crisis. Flipping through some more ads, there's a little dinosaur that comes in a pill form

and you just drop it in half a glass of water and it turns into a little dinosaur toy. My niece has it and I was very impressed. Dan Illich, have you got anything to plug? Always got things to plug. Listen to my podcast, Arational Fear. Go to arationalfear.com and sign up. And we're doing fun, interesting things coming up to COP26. So one of the things we're doing is we are launching a crowdfunding campaign

to put some billboards in Glasgow to announce Australia's net zero emissions target, which is Australia is committed to net zero emissions by 2300. So please head on over to irrationalfear.com and chip in $10 to see that billboard in Glasgow for COP26. Irrational Fear has two notable things that are relating to me, Alice Fraser, which is that it shares my initials, Alice Rebecca Fraser. It's also the first place that I was ever asked to do satire.

So in many ways, Dan, you're very responsible for my entire career. So a big thank you to our roaming correspondents, Andrew, DC, Jim and BB, who all sent in the KFC story. So you're all special, but about a third as special as you could be. Thanks to

Roz Goff for the Bees Against Penguins story, and V, aka Antimatter Cheese, who sent in the telly tubby story if you have a story you would like us to explore on the gargles uh tweet us at hello garglers i'm alice fraser i'm your host find me online at at alliterative on twitter and instagram that's a-l-i-t-e-r-a-t-i-v-e or sign up on patreon.com slash alice fraser for a behind the scenes look at my podcast blogs and my weekly tea with alice salons where we have a chat about life your executive producer for this podcast is chris skinner your

magnificent editor is ped hunter this is a bugle podcast and alicefraser production i'll talk to you next week bye you can listen to other programs from the bugle including the bugle the last post tiny revolutions and the gargle wherever you find your podcasts.