The Gargle - Legislating LOLs | Enhanced Games | Child labour

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

Siân Docksey and Tom Neenan join host Alice Fraser for episode 166 of The Gargle. All of the news, with none of the politics.😂 Legislating LOLs💉 Enhanced Olympics🤖 Security robot🤳 Child labour👩‍❤️‍👩 ReviewsWatch on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@BuglePodcastWritten by Alice Fraser, Siân Docksey and Tom NeenanProduced by Ped Hunter, with executive production from Chris SkinnerHOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a podcast from The Bugle. leg breaking. So you made a deal, you'd work off the debt, just a few hits, some light arse and problem solved. Then you fell in love with the Don, borrowed more money to buy him flowers. Then you got scared like you always do, broke his heart, ran away, went on the run, laid low, you thought you were safe, and then you woke up and saw it. No, not the horse's head you sleep with every night. Behind that, the thing that everyone dreads finding in their bed. The Gargle. This is the gargle. Welcome to the gargle of Sonic Glossier Magazine, to the Mugles Audio Newspaper for a visual world,

all of the news, none of the politics. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors. This week's edition of the magazine are Sean Doxie. Hello, lovely to be here. Lovely to have you, and Tom Neiman. Hello, even lovelier to be here. Oh, it's competitive now. Yeah.

A throwdown. Speaking of throwdowns, before we go all in on the WWE monster match that is this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of this week's magazine. The front cover this week is a naked paparazzo horrified to be photographed unaware by a series of celebrities. Turnabout is fair play.

And the satirical cartoon is two people who represent cartoon opposites of the political spectrum and they're both saying, no, it's only raising the political temperature when they do it. Satire. And that brings us to this week's top story. This is the news that laughing may be compulsory at least once a day in a Japanese prefecture. Shan, you laugh at least once a day. Can you unpack this story for us?

I try. So this story is about how the local government in an area of Japan has identified that laughter is good for long-term health. So they're passing an ordinance. I had to look this up because that doesn't mean law or is it like a full law or a low key law or a legally loaded request? I'm not sure, but essentially, I mean, Alice, ideal. Is it a law? What is an ordinance? An ordinance is like a local rule. It's like a low. It's not necessarily like raising to the level of a law, but it's something that can be, you could probably get fined.

Oh, so like a regional law, like outside zone nine kind of vibe law. Okay. I get it. Yeah. It's like parking, parking rules, parking ordinances. Got it. Cool. Okay, so they're asking people to laugh at least once a day for health reasons. Local residents are being encouraged to snigger, chortle or guffaw so many options daily and business operators should develop a workplace environment that is filled with laughter. They don't seem

to be doing anything to actively encourage laughter as a spontaneous response. They're just saying that people should laugh with no context. And there's been some resistance to this on the basis of the human right to not laugh. I don't know, I mean, I felt like this is quite an exposing story for a group of people who try to make people laugh for a living. I thought, hey, this could be great for gigs. Maybe we don't need to write better shows. We should just remove the human right not to laugh. There we go. So much easier. Yeah, I don't know, it's a weird one. The thing that I zoned in on is they've decided to declare the eighth day of every month is laughing day. Why the eighth day, you might ask? Well, I looked up what the number eight looks like in ancient Japanese and it does look like

a little penis, which is pretty funny. Also, this is cool. So in Hiragana, the old Japanese, number eight looks like a penis, but in Kanji, the modern Japanese, it looks like a pussy. So they're already way ahead of the game for women in comedy. It's great. Well, it's sort of an amazing, it's an amazing thing to think that you should be encouraged by the government to laugh because governments of necessity are humorless places. But the government of Yamagata Prefecture is interested in the health of its people, which apparently and unfortunately and inconveniently involves having a nice time. I wonder if there is infrastructure that you could block in though, like having a clown

on every street corner, finally a career after going to Goliath, like maybe on public transport. Instead of people speaking into the microphone to make an announcement, the drivers could spend 20 minutes maybe teasing the audience about whether they're going to talk into the microphone or whether like it's just a bit, yeah. It can be dangerous though, because if you have a clown on every street corner, then they get very territorial and then there can be violence if someone invades someone else's patch Adams. So that can be violence if someone invades someone else's patch Adams So that can be quite

See that's what we should do every day a mandatory oh That's what we have Clown on clown violence as they fight for the clown crown I mean it would be quite sweet to add like Christmas cracker jokes in parking tickets maybe, every time you get a parking ticket a little like joke comes out with it so you get your little chuckle. Look, I just don't know if this is the right way to go about inducing laughter in the people. I have to say maybe you want to just make things a little bit less stressful in life,

but... Well in the UK we have mandatory crying, don't we? Because that's basically whenever England sort of compete in any kind of sporting fixture, the day after is a mandatory day of crying, which I participated in and I'm very proud of that. I was slightly distracted, like we were discussing, about the idea of a prefecture. So does that mean that if you are in Japan, then you are in a sort of a position of government

that you're a prefect? Because in our school, that meant that you were lame. So I think that we should just discount this and bully them. If that is an option. Were you a prefect Tom? I was. Yeah, that's how I know. That's how I know. Well, Japan also had an anti dancing law. But that was lifted

in 2014 when Kevin Bacon arrived in the country. swept everyone off their feet. But yeah, I think it's it's it is a nice I think the nice part of this story is that we know that laughter is a good for you. Even if it's not technically the best medicine, it is a legally advisable medicine but if you are the kind of person who wants to maintain their right to be a miserable f***head you can probably get a certificate or something. An exemption. Yeah I didn't realize that there was a legal basis to be bad vibes and I feel relieved that this exists in the world.

I feel like what you should have is like maybe like those, you know how they're like Brazilian restaurants where you get, I've been told that you turn over a little thing that is like green, bring more meat and then you flip it over to be like, stop, stop the meat. I feel like you should have that for laughter of just like a little pin that's like, I'm willing to be amused. Or go f*** yourself. Go through something, you know, don't try to lift my mood. I'd encourage everyone as well to watch the classic Doctor Who Seventh Doctor story for the Happiness Patrol, which tells of a dystopia where this very thing happens. And it doesn't end up well. And I don't mean the actual dystopia. I mean thing happens and it doesn't end up well. And I don't mean the actual dystopia.

I mean the story. It's not very well done. And also this has been suggested by the liberal democratic party, which is one of those parties that has too many words that mean everything's fair and democratic. That makes me think that they are in fact the absolute opposite. But I've got no basis for facts in that other than the fact that it feels like they're protesting too much with that name. Yeah. Yeah like the People's Party is never really the People's Party, it's only some People's Party. Like as all parties are only some People's Party, let's be fair,

you go to a party and there's only some people there who are having a party and the rest of the people are there on sufferance. That's certainly how I've experienced parties. I don't really understand how authoritarian Japan is, because I've never been, but they did say like, they were clear that there's going to be no penalty for anyone who is unable to raise at least one laugh a day, which is a sad situation. Like if you can't claw one laugh from like the bottom drawer of your soul, you're probably quite unwell. But on the basis of this conversation, maybe we should distrust that maybe the penalty will be severe.

It's a more speak less truth kind of situation. I mean, maybe if you if you can't laugh, and you refuse to laugh, then you can figure out an elaborate ruse by which you tick off your laughing past for the day and then you walk away. But then how would you not cackle in delight at having fooled the government? I don't know. I do feel like sometimes people like if they know they're going to come to a show, they will tell me quite sincerely like if I'm not laughing, it's because I don't like it's just a thing they don't do, which I think sometimes is a very kind way of saying they hate my stuff, which is absolutely fine. But maybe there are people who are just physiologically not able to have

the mechanical components to generate a laugh who are being unfairly discriminated against with this ordinance. Does that mean I need to tweet everyone in Japan if I'm thinking of heading there and going, by the way, guys, if I'm not laughing, it's not you. It's like just how I process things. I mean, I wonder if this will spread beyond Yamagata prefecture and into the rest of Japan, because it's like they're quite fact based, I think, as a society. So if it works, if it increases the lifespan, Yamagata might become the new location of work in progress shows, because people

are not really obliged to laugh at something. When you need that self-esteem boost two weeks before Edinburgh, that's where you go is like the pit stop. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I do occasionally, I do consultations with people who are like running their shows in and I have to remember not to have my like, huh, what are you trying to do their face on? I have to have like an open audience face because otherwise one-on-one in a Zoom call

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out if they really are your friends. And the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, which raises two questions. are your friends. and Christopher Walken in Good Guy with an Army of Dinosaurs. Only in cinema. Now it's time for the Enhanced Olympics, which is a thing that we've all joked about while watching the Olympics, which is the joke that they're all on drugs but they have to pretend they're not. Why don't they all just go on drugs and pretend they are? Which is this story. Tom Neenan, you're enhanced. Can you unpack this story for us? Yes, thank you. Welcome to the banter timeline that everything seems to exist on now, where tech bro Peter Thiel is getting people excited about his enhanced Olympics. So basically, yes, the idea is,

as you sort of stated, is that this is a competition where all the competitors will be encouraged to take performance-enhancing drugs. I'm assuming every single event will absolutely smash all existing records, but also every single event will have to have one of those asterisks next to all the results because everyone's on performance enhancing drugs But it is one of those tech bro ideas, which is just like one of those pub conversations We all have that means we're about I don't know two weeks away from them suggesting the other quite, you know tedious Conversations that usually happen around the Olympics one. They should have a normal bloke compete in every single

Competition just to see how difficult it is. That always comes up as like, oh, and then you could see how really good they are. And the other one being maybe they should also have animals competing, like you have a cheetah in the hundred meters or you have a shark in the swimming competitions and stuff. And so we all have to sort of, you know, because tech people are always about disrupting and they go, hey, the Olympics is a format that's existed, you know, completely fine and perfectly happily for hundreds of years. Let us try and change it and disrupt it.

Sigh, okay. And then that means that we're also about a hundred years away from cybernetically enhanced Olympics where people can attach springs to their legs and sort of go, go gadget their way into incredible, unbeatable records. I can't be the only one who reads this and just gives a bit of an eye roll at the idea

because, like you say, now the whole sort of trend is raw dogging. It's all about raw dogging things. And so shouldn't we be encouraging the fact that there is no drugs taking place? There's no enhancement. It's just people sort of doing their work, you know, the best work that they can. It's the 14 year olds doing gymnastics at the peak of their ability.

Exactly. Running their lives real early. Yeah, because they've been tied into knots since they were two. I love it. Obviously there is a real risk with this competition that someone's urine does come back clean. And what are the disciplines for that? What do you do when you find out that actually someone hasn't been taking performance enhancing drugs and should they be banned from the Enhanced Olympics? I'll leave that up to the governing body

to decide. That's beyond my payroll. Well, if you ask the kinky man that used to come to my bus stop, all urine is dirty. And that's a good thing. I totally disagree with the eye roll. I think this sounds so fun. And I think it's not going far enough. Why stop at performance enhancing substances? Why not introduce all my daltering substances? I want to watch the javelin on magic mushrooms, but by force. I want to watch the 200 meters on MDMA. And I like sport. I do now. It seems a lot more fun. What do you mean? Just randomly just spiking various athletes drinks with various substances? Yeah. Well, it's also so it's funded by a drug trial, right? So Tom, kind of going back to your point of we need the normal bloke control system, this

enhanced Olympics, it feels more like a competition for the drugs competing against each other. And really, it's testing whether the drug could win a gold medal for getting, you know, normal mom of three Pamela who does Zumba maybe once a year. If she can win the 200 meter sprint with your drug, then the drug gets her gold, right? Like it's a drug Olympics for the drugs, not people. I honestly think this sounds dope. Sorry for the pun, but I want it. It could be fun, I guess. But yeah, will the Olympic rings have to be replaced by like the Olympic lines? That's more of a...

Well I mean, if we're taking Sean's approach to this, what all athletes should be equipped with is like a blowgun with darts and they can crank up other athletes as they go. Isn't there also a thing that- Making full hunger games. There is no actual raw dog version of sports because an athlete who is competing, the 14 year old gymnast we were talking about, their advantage is wealth, right?

Because somebody who can just do athletics and that's it. There's someone who comes from a position of privilege, presumably, where they're able to do all these things and do the proper training. So there is absolutely no fairness in sports anyway, people who can compete without any chemical enhancement, or people who presumably had access to family support wealth, mom driving you to like training every Saturday. So I don't know, I feel like give the normos a chance and some free drugs. It sounds great. I mean, what we should do is the old fashioned kind of thing where you put a bean in someone's

soup and they become the king. You just put a lot of steroids in somebody's chicken and they were all of a sudden the new champion. And that brings us to our review section. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to review something out of five stars. Tom, what have you brought in for us this week? So today I basically went into my kitchen and I decided to review different

types of knife. So these are my knives reviews. Literally just the first thing I saw and thought, okay, knife reviews. Here we go. Bread knife, three out of five. Bowie knife, one out of five. Looks nothing like him. Butter knife, two out of five. Is butter that really that dangerous? Do we need a butter knife? Fish knife, five out of five. Is butter really that dangerous? Do we need a butter knife? Fish knife, five out of five, no explanation. Cutting knife, two out of five. Stay in your lane, cutting knife. All knives are cutting knives, chill out.

Boning knife, one out of five. If anything, it makes that process more painful. And throwing knife, two out of five. Any knife is a throwing knife if you don't care about your kitchen enough. So an aggregate of that is 3.2 out of five for knives. Thank you. Do you think throwing knife could be maybe improved

in the enhanced Olympics by some chemical addition? If you, yeah, if everything you think you're throwing at is like a swirly meadow, then, yeah, then I think that we could have a lot of fun. Well, I mean, I feel like the enhanced Olympics is not looking far enough ahead if it's only looking at drugs because it's lacking motivational elements as well. So for example, if you've got like dog racing, they put a pretend rabbit in front of them to motivate them.

Which I always thought was sort of unfair if the dog doesn't have the intrinsic motivation, why are you trying to fool him into believing he's going to get a rabbit? But I mean, what if you had like the hundred meters, but there's a zombie behind you kind of thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sean, what have you brought in to review for us? I would like to review meddling, and I mean specifically romantic matchmaking. And like Tom, this is a multi-tiered complex review, but I've been a bit on a bit of a journey with it. So I will give you some context. So I love to meddle, but I had sudden doubts about meddling because I baseline love to interfere in other people's lives because I am the extrovert

organizer in friendship groups usually. But more specifically, I love to introduce people who I think should hook up. Why not? Everyone I know who's single complains about dating app, fatigue, loneliness, yada, yada, yada, yada, get some meddling witch to sort things out for you. But then I suddenly felt a little bit uneasy about romantic meddling because I was starting to question my own intentions. I was thinking like, okay, does this actually come from a place of goodwill, genuine belief

that these people might have a connection? Or am I sociopathically playing the Sims with my friend's hearts for my own entertainment? But then I brought this up with my dear friend, Jo and she won me background to meddling because she thinks it's excellent. Her and her long-term girlfriend were meddled together and it's been wonderful.

They've been together for about eight years. So the meddling is back on, but it has been revised. Meddling has to be subtle. The thing is people cannot know that they are being meddled together. And also I don't think that meddling has to be subtle. The thing is, people cannot know that they are being meddled together. And also, I don't think that meddling can happen on request. Like if someone just calls you out of the blue, for example, and is like,

oh, hey, Shan, we used to hang out all the time at uni. I haven't talked to you for five years. How are you? And within two minutes, they're like, do you know any single women who I could be matched up with because I'm really sad? That's not meddling. That's just like a strange business transaction version of the medal. So meddling has to be prompted by an authentic desire by the meddler,

me, to meddle people together, founded on a true belief that the meddling might be effective. And then you have to subtly create the circumstances where people are being meddled together but they are not aware that meddling is happening so then they hang out they connect they fall in love you get invited to the wedding it's glorious so this is a multi-tiered review of meddling good thoughtful well-executed meddling five stars careless lackadaisical or explicit meddling, two stars. Usually doesn't work if you give the game away or mess it up. Being requested to meddle, minus five stars. Terrible. A violation of the rules of love and meddling. So meddle away, but with fine

craft attached to it, and authentic intentions. And how do we feel about the addition of drugs? Ten stars. Enhanced meddling. Oh my god, so fun. I mean, that is kind of how the majority of relationships happen, right? That brings us to our next story, which is the news that Amazon's security guard robot, a much lauded launch of Amazon's proprietary technology, will now become a useless brick after just 10 months.

Tom, you're very secure in yourself. Can you unpack this story for us? Of course. So basically, this is the incredibly bizarre decision for Amazon to announce that a security feature which they have sold now won't exist. That's what businesses want, isn't it? They want really publicly people to know that a security feature which they have paid a lot of money for isn't there anymore. Sort of like Introducing the Purge, but sort of by stealth. So what Amazon done is they've had this little security robot little droid thing, which is a bit like one of the sort of box droids from the Death Star. And they cost, what is it, $2,350. And I'm not quite sure what they did but they won't be doing it anymore because they've stopped.

So the announcement came from Amazon Devices president Lindoson Angel, that's a very religious name, that's almost the most religious, if his name was Christ St Angel that's the most religious name you could have. He has said that yeah yeah, they won't be re-upping this little gizmo. I think they're called Astros. So basically anyone that bought an Astro, if you've seen a little Astro trundling around the business, that won't be working anymore.

So have at it and next stuff, I guess. Well, so this was one of those like absolute tech world nonsense bullshit products in the first place. And it's essentially being bricked because not enough people want a thing that you have to pay $2,350 for and then also have a subscription service for video storage and patrol route programming. So you can have it. If you don't pay the subscription, it just won't store any of the video it records as a security robot, and it won't know where it's going.

So you then have to continue to pay for it. And I think basically, not enough people wanted it and so they're going to try and figure out something else. Possibly nobody bought it, which would be the best case scenario for this product. But I think unfortunately, there's probably about 12 people who've bought it, who are going to be really miserable now that they've probably attributed human-like qualities to their little astro, put it in a wig and a French maid's outfit. Also, it is so sad, this story. Also, it is so violent, the expression will be bricked. Like, what does that actually mean? Is it like in Minority Report where it just has a halo put around on it and it's deactivated and sent into gadget hell? It's so sad. I felt like this story is sort of

robots having the experience of Disney child star career pipelines. There's like a Quarly Culkin trajectory with this one. It had a real flash in the pan, promised the Earth, but then it had a nervous breakdown and died and in the end not enough people were interested. Whereas other robots did a bit more of a Justin Timberlake, like they had a kind of little star period, but then branched out into acting, got recognized as a serious artist and developed some longevity. I feel so sad for this little robot that had so much promise and backing behind it and now it's bricked like a horse taken for a gluing. It's awful.

Now I feel really sad for this robot. Me too. Rather than laughing at Amazon for making a bad business bet, now I'm like emotionally invested in the decline of this poor robot. Should we all get together and write the Pixar screenplay that this will inevitably become about a lonely robot patrolling a business that is no longer there because they forgot to cancel the subscription? Yes.

You need a sort of drama teacher with a kimono and bangles that collects all the misfit robots that don't make it, that gets them to form drama classes and an acapella club. The worst Fagin gang. Street kid robots who just want to put on a production of Oliver. Fagin is the old mini disc player, like I thought I was gonna have my time. Fagin is the old mini disc player. Like I thought I was going to have my time. And that brings us to our final story of this week's episode of The Gargle. And this is, I would say a victory for this podcast because it is the execution of a

thing that we have said on this podcast should happen, which is in Illinois and presumably and hopefully soon elsewhere, a law has come into place that was intends to protect the children of influencers who are now going to have to be paid for being used in their parents desperate money grubbing online life performances. And Sean, you're a meddler and one of influence. Can you unpack this story for us? Love to meddle with low to no influence. This new law in Illinois requires parents who are influencers to set up a trust fund for their child if they earn income from their child's likeness, because the kid be technically working so it should get a share of the pie. So this law feels like it only applies to parents who put their child's face online. So it's the likeness that is generating income. And that feels

like a very obvious safety thing because now children's likeness can be stolen for deep fakes. It's like a privacy thing. I know, you know, many opinions are available, but it does gross me out when public figures put their children's faces online, it feels like how is a child going to consent to being tied to your career and your interests? But I was wondering if there's a few like levels to it, like what if the influencer is talking about their kids, like the mummy bloggers, for example, who make entire careers on how to deal with difficult toddlers, and they're talking about the child's behavior that they respond to and stressful things that the kid does. What if the kid changes behavior or grows up or does normal

things like change from a toddler into a child into a teenager, but you have built up your income stream on a specific identity of that child? Does the kid get to claim any income from that as well? Because it's like visual physical likeness is not being used, but its identity is still being capitalized on them. I don't have any jokes there. That was just a thought. And my other thinking was, I feel like it is a sort of ancient thing with people having children for reasons that are to do with economics, where for a lot of people, children are your investment and being taken care of when you're old, right? Like it's part of your pension plan, there'll be these people who care about you. This feels like the digital version of that of influences have under the

control of creating a person. So in a way, maybe they should be entitled to profit from that a little bit because they're doing a lot of the parenting work. Well, I think you have two options. Either you treat your child well and have a good relationship with them and then they look after you when you're old, or you burn them out on influencer, YouTube, TikTok reels. And then at least the money you make will keep you warm in your aging declining years where you regret every decision you've ever made. So it is a win-win. To make them do a stilted dance in front of a bus.

Not in Japan. So doesn't this open up, if basically, if your child who is your content becomes your employee basically, and you then have to pay them and everything else. Doesn't that open up a whole load of other problems? Like, would Charlie bit my finger? Would that be a workplace injury? And in which case could then the child sue the parent for putting them in danger and not having safeguards in place? Could that kid be about to get richer is what I want to know. Do you think instead of siblings, there would be unions? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, collective bargaining.

Yeah, definitely. Particularly when you have these like family vlogging channels where they seem to make money by just having, you know, enormous quantities of children because they need a new child every couple of years to up the cute quotient. What happens if you have like 12 kids and then they unionise? I think I was quite a soulless business-like child. I would put on shows in my parents' bedroom and then charge my parents to attend like 50 francs. It was not a big deal. And they'd be like, but we sleep here. And I'd go, yo, I've got to pay my staff. So I

think kids would be probably very business-like about this. And I kind of support them. And that brings us to the end of this week's episode of The Gaggle. I'm flipping through the ads at the back. Tom, have you got anything to plug? As per, I am at TPNinen on Instagram. I'm slowly migrating off of the Demon Network for reasons, so don't bother following me on that one. But at TPNenan on there on Instagram

is probably a good place to go for things that I'm up to and also a Weezing Groaning Sound podcast if you like Doctor Who and Being Silly then why not listen to that as well. Hopefully I'll have more stuff to promote in the future but oh and I'm in a Doctor Who I'm in a Doctor Who called Swipe Right which is fun on on big finish. So why not give that a listen as well? It's really good. It's written by John Dorney, who's an excellent writer as well. So enjoy that. Wonderful. And Shan, have you got anything to plug? London people, I'm doing a couple of work in progress shows of my stand up

hour Meet Shapes with Feelings at the end of August. You can sign up to my newsletter shan.oxe.substack.com for all the details. I am also on Instagram which is where all my poll stuff and shows come up when Instagram decides to not automatically take down my poll videos which is fun. But yeah I'm on Instagram and newsletter and everything is also on my website shan.xe.com. And I'm running a workshop in Tokyo, a writer's workshop in Tokyo, if you're in Tokyo on the 12th of October at midday at the Fab Cafe. The application form is available on Patreon.com

slash Alice Fraser. It's first come, first served, numbers are very limited, so head over to Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser to go there if you're in Tokyo. If you're not in Tokyo, you can just join up and come to my twice weekly writers meetings which are the best value in the business. And I'm Alice Fraser and this is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production and our editor is Pedhunter, new executive producer is Chris Skinner so I'll talk to you again next week.

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