The Gargle - Lego guns | Sex | Mummified pig

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

James Nokise and John-Luke Roberts join host Alice Fraser for episode 21 of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🧱 Lego handguns🚀 Space billionaires👶🏻 Tech firm fertility boost🌿 Three sex algae 🔄 Roundabout sex🔑 Swingers tips🐖 Mummified pig foetusThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Give me the satire. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the goblin city, for my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom is as great. This is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper. For a visual world, your guest editors on this week's edition are James Nokise and John Luke Roberts.

Welcome. Hello, thank you. Hello. And welcome to you, to your podcast too, Alice. Let's get into the magazine. On the front cover, the Tokyo Olympics sprawled lewdly on a cardboard chastity bed, winking. The headline reads, the perfect woman is both happening and not happening at the same time. The satirical cartoon is Jeff Bezos launching himself briefly into space in a machine perfectly

evolved for scraping Richard Branson's sperm out of the stratosphere. With all these billionaires going to space, I dread what will happen now that they realise that it didn't fix whatever they thought it would fix inside them. Now our section one of the magazine as we open up is toys and games section. This is this is our Lego handgun story. James Nokesa have you been following this one? Yeah, I'm a big fan of toys, as you know, Alice, and of guns, when they're toys. So what's happened is a Utah company has stopped selling Lego sets that were for Glock handguns in particular.

The Danish toy maker, Lego, very upset by this. They're not big on guns, and they don't think that's what Lego should be used for. And so the kits were actually quite expensive. They were about 550, 750 US, which is a real investment. You could probably just buy a gun for cheaper. But this is the thing. So somebody who is completely off the planet enough to want to dress up their Glock as Lego is probably off the planet enough not to balk at the ticket price. I mean, there should be some barrier to entry.

I feel like they've misunderstood, like, American police. Like, if you have a stick that looks like a gun, they're probably going to shoot you. Like, I think if you've got a gun, you're like, oh, no, it's Lego. They're still going to shoot you. That's not really... They're not renowned for being tactful.

So you think it's a matter of disguise. I think it's a matter of, like, flashiness. I think this is like putting diamonds on your teeth. You're not trying to pretend that they're not teeth. You're just trying to jazz them up. I mean, the problem with most guns is that when... Sorry. Is that why people put diamonds on their teeth?

I thought it was a sort of... I thought it was a medical thing. Carry on. Sorry, I didn't know. The problem with most guns, most guns, obviously, is that when you run out of bullets, there's not much that the weapon can do as a weapon after that, in the absence of a bayonet.

This is the solution. Fire the gun and then leave it on the floor at midnight There's not much that the weapon can do as a weapon after that in the absence of a bayonet. This is the solution. Fire the gun and then leave it on the floor at midnight for someone to stab the shit out of their feet on. It's a deadly weapon and a minor inconvenience. What more could you want? I think this is the difference between our two upbringings, Alice, is that there was no way that I was seeing the story and going, oh, they're trying to be more gangster. But then when you present it like that, I go, no, it isn't Utah. I mean, if anyone's going to go, let's make it more jazzy, Lego, it's the Mormons. John Liu?

Something about this story just really clicked for me. You know, that's basically what I have. I thought I'd do the clip. I think it's a reasonable start, which I'm prepared to build on and able to of course because of the interlocking block system that Lego presents It's a model problem with a model solution You do wonder if you spend

Are people buying this for themselves or is it a gift? Would you buy this as what you get for your gun toting friend who has everything a Lego kit to cover it up for your gun-toting friend who has everything? A Lego kit to cover it up in a thing. Yeah, your gun-toting friend who had everything except a childhood.

Except a childhood, yeah. And then you spend $550 to $750 on it. And all they want to do is play with the box. It's awful. I did wonder, actually, whether there are other toys you could disguise as a gun as. And my favourite ones were Sylvanian Family's Rabbit Mother or Pogs. I thought if you could disguise it as Pogs, that would be really, you know... That's what I'd be after. Yeah, I feel like any kind of doll is inherently creepy.

Any kind of gun doll. of doll is inherently creepy any kind of gun doll like now you like a small victorian child where you the leg is the is the handle and the arm sticking out is where the bullet comes out yes the only kind of worst form of inappropriate accessorization is eyelashes on a car that's the only thing that would frighten me more about somebody's character than dressing up their gun as a toy. What about eyelashes on a gun? Oh, yeah. Well, there is that school of feminism that treats guns as the great equaliser,

the great equaliser of violence, because they erase the physical differences. Your last thought before you get blasted away is, how do they get so thick? It's so flirty. Wait, is that gun winking at me well it's like those old uh looney tunes cartoons where you fall in love with the gun because it blinks its lady eyelashes at you yeah turns out to be tricking you the whole time but your heart's already leapt out of your chest and gone awooka sorry i just i i was i was completely lost in reverie for a second just think about an ex

that's all the time we have for section one because now it's time for your ads your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy fresh fruits and vegetables animal products all of these are getting between you and your nutrition mere vessels for the essential stuff that's buried in the dirt being ignored and trodden on in favor of more flashy delivery mechanisms but you don't need that waste of time do you optimize your wellness cut out the aggregator middleman and just eat dirt dirt all the nutrients you need. Disclaimer, some people may lack the ability to extract everything they need from raw soil. Dirtitarianism may also cause disease, death, mud mouth and pregnancy.

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Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere.

Acast.com. everywhere. AKS.com Now it's time for your tech section. A billionaire space race. The latest in the billionaire space race. John Luke Roberts, I know you're a big space fan. Have you been following the latest? I have. It is a truth universally

acknowledged that a man in possession of a fortune must be in want of a rocket. And all these bloody billionaires keep going to space and then coming back, which seems to me to be, you know, you get so excited. So yeah, who's gone up? Branson went up last week in one that looks like a plane. And then this week, I was going to call him Elon Musk.

He's not Elon. What is he? He's the Zed one. He's the old Zed. No, he's Bezos. He's not that Zed one. He's the other Zed one. He's the old... No, he's Bezos. He's not that Zed one. He's the other Zed one. There's a Zed in the middle.

That's what I... I remember names from the middle and then I work my way up. Z-O-S-B. Bezos, yes. So he went to space in a one that looked so much like a penis. I didn't realise.

I know rockets look like penises, but really, honestly, they're going to be that on the nose with it they might as well have painted it pink and put one of those you know a smiley face and two eyes on it like wicked willie from the 1990s maybe they were books we just had here i'm um trying to forget them but yeah he went to space and uh took uh wally funk who seems nice an 18 year old also taken up who seems spoiled and then they took Jeff Bezos' brother because you've got to get some nepotism in there

somewhere. Yeah, that's it. They went up they came down. It's a huge news story and they're going to sell it to other people for £250,000. That's more or less it. I mean you're never winning a brotherly fight ever again after that, are you? I know. Remember when I took you to space?

I took you to f***ing space these billionaires keep on going on this journey you know this journey into space they want to make you cross the threshold you come back

but they come back unchanged that's not how story structure is meant to work we should send them up in a rocket with three ghosts you know who can teach them

a moral lesson while they're doing it and come back down that's where they should be putting their money in do you think that's what he was trying with the 18 year old as the ghost who can teach them a moral lesson while they're doing it and come back down. That's where they should be putting their money in. Do you think that's what he was trying with the 18-year-old as the ghost of Christmas future? Oh, and then Wally Funk as the ghost of Christmas past

and his brother as the ghost of Christmas present, maybe? I mean, the ghost of Christmas present stolen, I assume. This is one of the fascinating things about this story. He came down from space and then he gave $100 million to two men who he sees as doing unifying discourse. So Van Jones and somebody else as a way of sort of counterbalancing the billions and billions of dollars he spent on the space race.

James? Isn't that like literally the start of a James Bond film though? Like the billionaire comes down from space and then gives $100 million to charity and is like advancing the human cause but then while they were in space haha invisible space station yeah I feel like this is a this is a tale as old as time and by time I mean James Bond movies I do think we're not giving enough praise to the science team because they they got away with a giant penis they were paid millions and they looked them for months straight in the eye no one cracked a smile and they were like this is the best because it could have looked like a plane couldn't it it could have looked like anything but they went let's

send them in a cock well that's not the only tech news that's happening at the moment. Apparently, tech firms in China are trying to boost fertility by curbing overtime. They've banned overtime on weekends in order to encourage people to go home and bone, which seems to me counterintuitive. They don't need to curb overtime. They just need to have lots of private office spaces and willingness to overlook lengthy two-person meetings. Also, more women in tech. Forget it.

That sounds too difficult. People in tech firms are problem solvers. Just tell them there's a bug in the baby-making algorithm and watch them hammer away relentlessly at the problem for 46 hours without pause. With enough lube, it will work. So you just need to gamify banging. So basically, if you could set it up so there is a winner of sex, you'd you'd be all the way i don't know how much more gamified

banging could get there is a winner of sex i don't know how you play sex i don't know how you play sex hang on i don't understand there's not a high five and a well played at the end if there's a if there's a winner that means there's a loser and that's awful. Yeah, but that's what you want. You want the challenge of having to return to win back their title. It's just when you have an orgasm, just scream out, achievement unlocked. That's what you've got to do. I've got a joke here that's something, something Mountain Dew flavoured condoms,

but this is about making babies. So I thought I wouldn't do that joke. But on the other hand, I imagine Mountain Dew flavour would eat holes in condoms but this is about making babies so i i thought i wouldn't do that joke but on the other hand i imagine mountain dew flavor would eat holes in condoms so maybe i stand by the initial joke impulse i stand by the initial joke impulse yes and it's that kind of language that is making it difficult for fertility rates to rise in the tech industry i don't know it depends how much how much JavaScript turns you on. Do you think it's their first instinct to go, look, we need to raise productivity. Let's just have more banging.

Or is this like they went through giving them better health care or raising their pay and they're like, let's just do a survey. Everyone wants to have more sex. OK, let's figure this out. Let's workshop it no i think i think it's it's patriotism in that the tech firms are taking these people away from their lives and the birth rates are declining so china has just gone to a three-child policy i feel like this is all an extension that's too much pressure for sex though like you can't be thinking about your entire country when you're in the bed or wherever you are oh wait all right so in this in my country we we don't just think of our entire country we think of our queen as well well that's all the time we have

for our tech section because now it's time for our reviews each of our guest editors has brought in a thing to review out of five stars james nookie say what have you brought in to review well it might seem strange but i'm reviewing the NBA Finals that have just happened because the player who got the best player in the world, the Finals MVP, is a Greek Nigerian. And that's a great day for anywhere in sports. The best basketball player in the world is a man called Giannis Antetokounmpo. I may have said that wrong, but as someone who has a last name, which is difficult to say, I respect a man who takes that name into the public view and then decides he's just going to become the best in the world.

So people have to learn to say it on podcasts and newsreels. I give the finals an A. An A out of five stars. Yes. It's Greek. John Luke Roberts. Yes. I would like to review opinions for you today i'm giving a review of opinions opinions are like arseholes emperor moths don't have them opinions are like arseholes they've touched almost everything you can think of from monetary policy

to any celebrity to the cool of your kitchen work surface, opinions have been lightly or firmly touched upon just about everything. I think opinions are rubbish, but unfortunately that's a hypocritical standpoint to hold. Opinions are like arseholes. Everybody should be allowed one each. This will improve the general quality of opinions, because you're going to have to think really hard about it and go, right, that's the one I'm having, that's the one, and all the rest are gone. So, in conclusion, I give having opinions two stars that's all the time we have for reviews because now it's time for our banging section our lead story in our banging

section is about algae with three sexes which can all have sex with each other john luke roberts oh it's not natural. Oh, wait, no, it is. It's natural. It's, yeah, they discovered these algae. There's three different sexes, proper sexes. They're not like, and through chromosomes, they're meant to have three sexes.

They can all have sex with each other. It's great. I think it's fantastic. I'm glad there are finally more queer role models for our youth. It's great. Good for you, algae. I'm glad you're having a nice time.

Well, nobody else is. James? J.K. Rowling's already announced it as the next villain in the Harry Potter series. Absolutely unbelievable. The shenanigans going on in the Algie world, just making a mockery of humans who have spent a lot of hard time

and possible thinking getting really annoyed about this kind of stuff. Well, so this story was reported in Pink News as a kind of a, I imagine a contribution of relevance to the gender debate that's currently raging out of control in so many places on the internet. But it seems to me to be sort of a complete, what do they call it, a red herring. I mean, first of all all we're not algae and secondly i don't know that algae identify as anything to algae have gender is this relevant surely it's all about you know expression of selfhood don't all you're doing is uh all you're

doing is is setting up a new gender debate um that jk rowling will take a horrible opinion on i don't think we need to, let's not drag the algae into this, let's just let the algae be algae. That's what I'm saying, biological essentialism has no place in the gender debate, let alone algae essentialism. Oh right, so Pink News

seem to be taking a biologically essentialist view by publishing this story which is the view that they wouldn't want. Yet, it's a real own goal, but only if you think about it essentialist view by publishing this story which is the view that they wouldn't want yet they've it's a real own goal but only if you think about it very hard so probably i think it'll be fine which no one will i do like how they've gone the third gender is bisexual and they've put it in quotation marks as if to say look it's just a placeholder don't come at us all right we're not this is very new to all of us we're figuring it out it's weird isn't it because presumably that means they've decided that the

that two of the genders are male and female and then there's another gender they don't know too why how can they be sure any of those genders are male and female they should come up with new names for them well i mean one of the types of algae always takes the rubbish out and the other one always tries to buy shoes at you so that's how they know which one's a witch that is so hack the third algae is prince it's just a symbol going from too much sex to not enough sex upper secondary school students in norway have had to promise not to have sex on roundabouts this is a story coming out of norway it's a very norwegian story james nukisa have you been following this non non-sex on roundabout situation no but as someone who's had sex on this is a story coming out of Norway it's a very Norwegian story James Nukisa have you been

following this non-sex on roundabout situation no but as someone who's had sex on a roundabout I am offended that they were I mean where else uh I'm guessing it's teenagers this is a very teenage thing to do is you get you have a couple of woodstocks uh both of your parents are back at your respective houses uh there's nowhere to go. The bridge is already taken. The bush in the park is occupied. Roundabout. Where are people supposed to have sex? This would never happen in China, Alice. So this is a tradition apparently in the schools of a kind of an end of year scavenger hunt style thing, pre-graduation scavenger hunt that includes the achievement

of having sex on roundabouts. But they've decided to not do it in the interests of public safety, which I think is delightful. Okay, first of all, Norwegians, Norwegians, you've got to listen to me on this podcast. Sex should never be a hunt. All right, that's where you're falling down. That's first hurdle. You've fallen over there. Never treat sex as a hunt. Second, never scavenge for it. I mean, that's that's part two. All right. It's a two part lesson here. Well, the roads authority director has said that he doesn't mind that students making an announcement about about this roundabout situation because he hopes that the traffic safety element is included because that's a useful thing. traffic safety element is included because that's a useful thing he doesn't mind them public is wearing not to have sex on roundabouts as long as they draw attention to road traffic safety i will say previously i thought that uh this set this story the whole having sex and roundabout thing sounded you know a real turn off to me or like three to four turn offs actually on many

roundabouts but then i realized it's the perfect place to have group sex a threesome or above because there's no kind of ah should we everyone knows exactly who's meant to enter from where at which point just indicate first yeah just indicate that make sure that it's a very important part of all sexual intercourse is indicating first I feel like sex would be more enjoyable for everyone if we just all followed the giveaway rule cleanly signed and also uh always let a horse go first is that is that is that the highway code that's in the learner drivers test in australia you have to let you have to let a horse go first maybe that's you know i've never i've never come across uh well

i've never i've never come across a roundabout but um unlike james but i've never i'm sure nobody mentioned the priority for horses here but we have horses we do have horses in the uk i've seen them i've seen them so now but now i have to check the highway code for that oh that's a shame i wish it had come up in my multiple choice test you have to do because because then I'd know. Well, now we have our sex pull-out section. Closing out our sex section, a journalist from Denmark took Gonzo Reportage to another level while talking about the reopening of a swingers' club near Copenhagen. She went to the club to report on it

and ended up having sex with a man on tape. We're having a sex pull-out section, sex tips pull-out sections for swingers returning to the game after time off it's important because we've all been in isolation or various levels of lockdown it's important to brush off your skills before you re-enter the entering space so i have a few sex tips for swingers parties. First tip read through the program beforehand it's very rewarding. Bring a list of conversation starters slash mid sex exclamations if you're worried your social skills have atrophied during isolation. Positive

affirmations never go astray except with people who are into humiliation. Be careful of the lube you use it says a lot about who you are don't go with the house lube but also don't bring luxury lube lest you cause shame in your colleagues trim your toenails just important as a general rule get vaccinated no one's popular at a swingers party who's uncomfortable with the concept of being penetrated james or john luke do you have any tips to add to this pullout section keys in the bowl not keys in the hole. Always good to remember. I think I did have something, but I can't locate or remember it.

If you just had to come up with something off the top of your head, if someone said, I'm going to a swingers party, I haven't been one to one in 18 months, what's your suggestion? Wash your bum first. You don't know how long the queue for the loo will be, so make sure you carry out your hygiene before you get there very good that's that is good advice floss the dance or the dental hygiene practice well dental hygiene before you go very possibly floss once you're there but do be aware that if you floss while you're naked um there will be rhythms and pendulous movements going on

which may undercut the natural style of the dance because not everything will be moving at the same speed. I have a couple of friends who are very into the sort of swingers thing, the sort of sex party, sex nerd kind of culture, and it seems to be a lot of Excel spreadsheets, like a lot of admin. Populating columns isn't necessarily my approach to a sexy time but everyone needs a hobby i don't think a group email should be part of foreplay if you want that's breaking it a bit oh imagine if you sent try to invite try to set up an orgy but you clicked bcc instead of cc and

so one person ends up coming because nobody else got the message. That's all the time we have for our sex section because now it's time for our animal section. Australian biosecurity has intercepted an unusual object on its way into the country. James Nukise, you're close to Australia. Have you got this story? Yeah, the Department of Agriculture and Water, or DOOR, as it's known in Australia, what they've found is a mummified pig fetus which was mailed from overseas. I think we can all agree that's not a great birthday present.

Yep, not a great birthday present, not quite a pig. It's not a great birthday present. Yep, not a great birthday present. Not quite a pig. It's not quite a pig. It's definitely better. It's not the worst fetus you could be mailed. I think what's made this story very interesting, if you find a mummified pig fetus boring, is that it's led the departments to actually go into their archives and start looking at all the strange stuff that they've had to detain worms in the mail, which includes deer genitalia, monkey bones, skinned frogs, horse dung, which is a very unique thing to put in a post, a roasted otter which i i maintain is quite australian

and a taxidermied black bear which is gonna cost so much to post and also impossible to wrap and put under the christmas tree everyone can see what it is surely it's like it's like wrapping like wrapping a hammer everyone knows it's a mummified black bear no they know it's a mummified bear could be polar could be brown you just don't know till you open it up i think i think like sometimes you just got to let the child finish the sentence when they're telling you what they want for christmas because you've almost got it right you've got the bear part and you've got the stuffed part but you've missed something fundamental fundamental. Well, I have a genuine story about Australian biosecurity. When I was a teenager, I wrote letters to a friend of mine who was a crush of mine, and he wrote a letter to me saying that he had a crush on me,

and if I had the same crush, he was going to enclose a match, and if I had the feelings for him I should light the match and if I didn't I should enclose the match unlit and send it back to him and he would know and it would be very subtle way of refusing his his offer to love me forever I think I would have been about 14 at that time and Australian biosecurity had opened the envelope and removed the match. I don't know. It feels like a metaphor for something. So you didn't receive the match?

I didn't receive the match. I did receive the letter with a little note enclosed by Australian biosecurity saying, we hate young love. I feel like a customs officer opened that envelope, took a look and went, let's just save her some trouble here. Did you supply your own match? Did you go, oh, I'll light a different match then and put that in? Well, I'll leave the end of the story mysterious for our listeners.

They're welcome to write whatever fan fiction they like in their heads about it. Well, that brings us to the end of today's show. We're in our ads section at the back, flipping through the classifieds, looking at used book sale. It's just one used book, but you don't know until you go and pick it up, apparently. You have to go and pick it up to find out which used book it is.

And I'm not sure if you can really consider books used. At what point does a book become a used book? Once you lick it. Once you lick it. John, look, have you got anything to plug? My podcast, Sound Heap, is currently hitting the podwaves, airwaves, computer, the

internet. Every Wednesday there's a new one released. I think it's fun. And I'm doing the edinburgh festival for seven days this year for whoever may or may not be there i will be doing my show it is better at the monkey barrel uh every day at 4 15 p.m from the 5th to the 11th of august that's very good uh james no casey have you got anything to plug? My mental health podcast, Eating Fried Chicken in the Shower, which it seems gets more pertinent with every month.

It's doing our season four in a month, which means you've got one month to go through the back catalogue and find a whole bunch of helpful interviews. And in the spirit of camaraderie of performance, if you're in the UK, go to the Edinburgh Festival if you want to and go see John Luke Roberts. He's at the Monkey Barrel. He's an absolutely hilarious live performer.

You probably need some live comedy because Britain is horrific. That was very kind, James. I wish you hadn't emphasised live quite so much because it did sound a bit like, unlike in this podcast, he's a hilarious live i was meant to be doing the melbourne podcast festival which has now been cancelled at the end of this month uh but i had sold five tickets mainly because i was not very good at advertising it so i'm wondering they're going to reschedule till the 17th of september so if you're in Melbourne and want to see

that probably like try and tell me that because otherwise I might not do it. I'm not sure if I want to go all the way to Melbourne for five tickets at this point. I'm at Alliterative on Twitter and Instagram that's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E look me up there or on Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser which is

a one stop shop for all of my stand up specials, podcasts and blogs, as well as my weekly Tea with Alice salons. We have, of course, to thank our roving journalist, Wissam Hassan, who sent in the story about the journalist having sex on air, socially distanced kitten, who sent in the algae sex story,

Stefan Chilcott, who sent in the sex on roundabout story, and Paul Douglas, who sent in the mummified pig fetus and has the honor of being the only person who didn't send in a story about sex this week but all of them were having sex while they sent the stories in this podcast is a bugle podcast and alice fraser production the editor is ped hunter the executive producer is chris skinner and i'll talk to you again next week