The Gargle - Live from Edinburgh Fringe! (1/2)

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

It's a very special episode this week, recorded in front of a live audience of Garglers, and possibly confused newcomers, at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Gargle favourite Alison Spittle and debutant Myq Kaplan joined host Alice Fraser for episode 124 of The Gargle - the glossy magazine to The Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.All of the news, none of the politics!🗣 ChatGPT in trouble🥊 Zuck vs Musk🌝 Lunar gold rush🦚 Peacock vasectomies🦌 Deer vs wolves🦷 Grow new teeth🧌 Reviews 📖 D'Ancey LaGuarde! HOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLEBuy tickets to our second and final recording of The Gargle Live at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, on Tue 22 August. Go to https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/liveAdvertise YOUR business on The Gargle with an Alice Fraser ad read. Contact [e-mail]-order the D'Ancey LaGuarde Reader book here! http://l8r.it/DHhGCONTENTS00:00 Start03:56 Front cover04:30 Satirical cartoon04:45 A word from our sponsors06:43 Story 1: ChatGPT in trouble10:11 Story 2: Zuck vs Musk fight13:39 Story 3: Lunar gold rush16:37 Reviews24:57 Story 4: Peacock vasectomies26:38 Story 5: Deer vs wolves29:10 Ad section30:05 Story 6: Grow new teeth32:26 D'Ancey LaGuarde35:34 Bye! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Your mother trusted you. The news keeps saying there's going to be a recession and all your family has left is the cow. A cow's not going to put food on the table and it's never going to learn, not since it flunked out of its trial period as a waiter at a chain restaurant. It was fired for pushing vegan options too hard to the customers. Get a good price for Daisy, said your mother. chain restaurant. It was fired for pushing vegan options too hard to the customers.

Get a good price for Daisy, said your mother. She served our family well. It would be disrespectful if you didn't get full value and also if you don't, we'll lose the house. You wonder why she's putting full responsible for the finances of the family into your barely post-prepubescent hands? But you've got to back yourself, Jack. You're the man of the house since Dad bought a social media company and went off the rails. And then, before you even reach the livestock auction, you meet a salesman and he's having a special promotion, a handful of magic slurp juice for one cow. It's based on a decentralised stable coin and celebrities you know and recognise have posted 30-second clips endorsing it.

You run home, too excited to walk. Your mother's going to be so proud. She raises her hand when you tell her in what you assume is the beginning of a high-five, but it's a gesture of deep sadness and frustration. What use is slurp juice without the apes, Jack? We can't mint new apes with slurp juice alone. You should have bought Bitcoin. At least we could have used Bitcoin to buy a Hitman.

Despondent, you bury the slurp juice in the backyard. Weeks pass. The electricity is shut off. Then the water, a parade of debt collectors, knock on the door until one of them takes the door. And then you look outside and see it. The slurp juice has sprouted a giant hype beanstalk. Bitcoin couldn't have done that.

You pack your optimized everyday carry sling and climb the slurp juices sprouted a giant hype beanstalk. Bitcoin couldn't have done that. You pack your optimized everyday carry sling and climb the slurp stalk up to the clouds. What you see there will change your family's life forever. It's a cloud land, peopled by giants, and there before you, rising like the Disney castle, stands the gargle.

Yay! This is the gargle! The Sonic Glossy Magazine to the Bugles Audio Newspaper for a visual world. All of the news, none of the politics. I am your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this edition of the magazine are Mike Kaplan and Alison Spittel. Mike! Hello! Hello, welcome! Are you having a nice festival so far?

Very, thank you. Welcome to the gargle stable. Yeah, I'm excited. I mean, you've been to the gargle... You are a returning guest, a favourite, a friend of the podcast. F-O-P. A friend with benefits of the podcast. Oh, big time, baby.

A friend with batteries on the podcast. Oh, big time, baby. A friend with batteries on the podcast. Yes. I've swallowed six so far. Do they keep zinging all the way down, or is it... Oh, yeah, I'm buzzing. I'm like in the film Crank. If those batteries run out, I die. Alice, can I tell you something?

I'm so happy to be here on a first date with the podcast. We're not... I mean, we're friends. I'm friendly. I'm an acquaint to be here on a first date with the podcast. We're not, I mean, we're, I'm friendly. I'm an acquaintance of the podcast, but there's somebody in the first row who is wearing the same shirt as me. Oh, wow. I mean, what a great thing to draw to the attention of a mostly audio-based crowd.

Oh, this is one of those audio-based podcasts. This is one of those audio-based podcasts? This is one of those audio-based podcasts, and also given that this other person is in the front row, no one else in the crowd can see them. So this is a joke for the people on stage. Well then, if I could also recommend that everyone listening at home come see my show tonight.

And also this person in the front row, otherwise the joke won't work again. Ha ha ha ha ha! Before we take the crumpledpled sweaty flyer from the fist of the desperate advertiser and take our chances on the shaky amateur production that is this week's Top Stories, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover of this week's magazine is the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, posing provocatively in front of the actual headlines so you can't see them.

What you can read of the headlines is Donald Trump in something, I assume, an American touring company doing an earnest theatre show down at Summer Hall. Overcrowding on prison hulks leads to something something probably immersive performance art and british waterways receive one star for safety but it reads like a three and there's a nice pull quote and the satirical cartoon this week is a group of hollywood executives gathered at a crisis meeting executive bad news ai has achieved sentience and joined the writers guild. And just before we begin the show I would like to thank our sponsors this week.

Sponsors because nothing is made nowadays without constant advertising. Your sponsor this week is The Secret Hole. You've given up your data to Facebook for the convenient use of Facebook. You've given up your data to Google for access to the magic of Google. You've given up your personal health information to a period tracker so you can verify whether the answer to am I a hideous monster is yes or it's due to start in three

days. Now bringing you the next step in tech data exchange, the secret hole. An unpleasantly damp hole you can attach to your computer with a staple when you need to perform any computing function. You just whisper a shameful secret into the hole and bam, you're allowed to send an email. Want to post a selfie? Just tell the hole your greatest fear. The secret hole. Do we have a deal?

And a portion of this show is brought to you by the element of surprise. What? Are you insecure about your looks? Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't give into societal pressure and make yourself beautiful with appearance-altering cosmetics. Get even by throwing sand into the face of your opponent slash date companion.

It works for gladiators. It might just work for you. Sand. The true element of surprise. And have you thought about the future? Have you considered life insurance? Do you occasionally take a vitamin? Have you decided with whom you will ally when the water wars come? These decisions can seem far off, but it's good to be prepared

so you can have peace of mind for you and your family. Imagine a future where you can only keep them safe if you're willing to hold life cheap or resources dear. Meditate on what you'll be willing to sell for half a glass of water. Half a glass of water. You think inflation is bad now. Our top story this week is tech shenaniganry beginning with the news that ChatGPT is looking for a job apparently. Apparently it costs the company that makes ChatGPT about $700,000 every day. So it's going to need to find a business model at some point. Mike, you're wearing glasses. Can you unpack this story for us?

Thank you so much. I am happy to. First, I would like to say the shirt that I'm wearing has a tree on it. And the person in the audience who has the same shirt also has a similar tree. And so that's why it feels good to me because I like trees. Okay, so thank you so much. I actually did see on Quora, the website, the other day, somebody asked, how can you make $800,000 a week as a side hustle? Nothing too complicated, please.

And so I don't know if that was the AI company looking for that, but I feel like all they have to do is just ask, like, ChatGPT, how do we make more than we lose? And they should be all set, but they didn't think to do that yet. So hire me as a consultant. I truly don't understand money or AI or I think I only understand trees. I think I only understand trees. So yeah, I recommend let's just go move into the trees

away from these robots. Yeah, I can't help. Alison? I like the way you've got a tree on your shirt and you're telling people to move into the trees. As if this is a way of people touching your torso. It's for you. Oh yeah, move.

I'm sorry, I should have winked more. Sorry. Again, audio podcast. It wouldn't have worked. With my voice. Chat GBT. Like, I was thinking about it, because I'm a screenwriter,

and it's not as easy as it looks, right? So I think, you know, for the chat GBT, what we need to do is get them involved with executives who will ask them to make the protagonist more likable even though you'll have to change everything about the story to make that make sense and you've only got two days to do it and not everyone can hack that so i haven't figured out how to make the chat gbt process

nervous breakdowns more efficient. Yeah. Like, I mean, there are two main business models in the tech sphere. Number one business model, steal everyone's attention and then sell ads to it. Number two business model,

put everyone else out of business with your venture capital induced lowered prices until everyone else is out of business and then you can hike the prices back up. But I don't think either of those will work for ChatGPT. I think what ChatGPT really should do is destroy capitalism.

Yeah. Can it do that? Ask it. I don't know. I have a friend who got sacked from her job and got replaced by ChatGPT and then got rehired to, likeired to, what would they say? Supervise? Supervise the chat GBT.

That's like... Well, then she should get paid more because now she's in a supervisory role over where she used to be. That's like your husband leaving you for the secretary and then you taking over the secretary's job because the secretary's too busy. Remember to buy flowers

for my new wife. Yeah. And in more tech news, the tech news news that will neither happen nor go away, the news of the Zuck v. Musk fight.

It just keeps not happening and people v. Musk fight. It just keeps not happening and people keep talking about it. It feels like a metaphor for so much of what happens in the tech news world, which is announcements of things that these c***s think would be cool if they did happen. And they just hope that if they announce them enough, they

might happen, but even if they don't, you get about 40% of the cool stock boost out of the announcement, which reduces the incentive to ever deliver. It's the financial equivalent of if you got most of the pleasure of coming from saying, I'm coming. Wow. I do like saying it.

Oh my God. So what is it? Italy are saying that they would facilitate the fight. Italy are saying that they'd facilitate the fight. Elon is saying that he needs an operation before he can fight. Does he? Yes. He needs a him replacement.

And Zucker said he's throwing in the towel of credulity he doesn't believe that Elon Musk is ever going to deliver you know it's a terrible thing when you're siding with the guy who thought the greatest announcement in the world was that his imaginary people got legs he's the one calling you out for like non-deliverable hype.

Maybe they should fight in the metaverse. Maybe that should be a thing. Like the way that I used to make up my enemies on The Sims, my real-life enemies, and make their families and everything, and give them a life for about two years. I'd develop the relationships between each other. And then when they really like pissed me off what i would do is uh i would get the one sim that i hate in real life leave him outside the swimming pool

put all of his family into the swimming pool and then take away the ladder now and just let him watch and you you know if you're a sim player that it takes about 20 minutes or something like that for a family of five to die in a swimming pool. But I used to fast forward for that because I'm not a psychopath, you know? May I add just a couple quick things. Number one, it's a very cool tree

on my shirt. Number two, I did like that in the article that we read, it said that Elon on Twitter or X, people are like, yeah, Zuckerberg, he doesn't know what he's the one who's chickening out. On threads, they're all like, Elon's the one who's chickening out. And at the bottom of the article, it said, we reached out to Meta and X and received no comment from either. no comment from either. And I would like to see a battle between

George Foreman and Mike Tyson, but they have to create a new social media company. That's... I would love to see George Foreman, the grill,

fight. George Foreman himself. You know? Tries to punch him the grills on, like that. All of his juices into a lovely, convenient, washable tray.

Anyway. Sorry. I'd also like to see that. I've just eaten a scotch egg. And it's done things to me where there's a darkness within that only mechanical meat products wrapped around a boiled egg can get in me. And in other tech news now, there is a lunar gold rush underway.

Yes! Commodify the moon! Commodify the moon! This is the news that major powers in the billionaire wank space are eyeing off the moon. You know, how we all look up at the night sky and think, how can I make money from that?

That cool thing. I mean, I understand so many of the, like, NFT business models is basically just an extension of that thing where your grandmother bought you a star. Yeah. I was like, that one's yours now, and that's how that worked. You know the song,

when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's some more money, everybody. That's very good. I like that. Thank you very much. Alison Spittel, you are subject to the lunar cycle. Can you unpack this story? I know.

That's it. I'm very worried. That was not a period joke. That was a werewolf joke. Well, I'm bringing it back. What's it going to do to my periods? Because I don't know if you know this uh but the periods are affected by the moon aren't they is that like scientology scientology um scientifically that's a

thing i've heard or if you live in the same flat like the moon affects you in a way by your location and you begin to think and i worry i think. I think these big money people are trying to affect women's periods and then sell some weird crypto period products back to them. Like I'm thinking like tampon coin. Or no? Would you not be into that? If you're going to do a period-based Bitcoin substitute, you've got to call it BloodCoin.

Come on. BloodCoin. BloodMoney. BloodMoney! That would be amazing. Yeah, I just worry so much about what it will do to people's periods and stuff. Mine and the moon.

Also, I've seen Wallace and Gromit. They love to collect periods. Jeez, I've seen Wallace and Gromit. They love to connect periods on the moon. Jeez, I'm kidding. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. You know that other song? If you believe they could be mine in the moon.

I think it's better than my period stuff. I like that there's millions of tons of helium in there. So I think even if you don't think it's a good idea, it will sound funny. Is that how the moon is up there? Yeah, be careful, everyone.

Don't take the helium out. Yeah, I can't wait for that romantic evening where you're holding hands with your beloved looking up at the sky and the moon goes don't look up the sequel acas powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era.

Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow,

and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. This week we've asked them to bring in two things each. We'll start with Alison Spittel. What have you brought in for us this week?

To review? Okay. Two seconds there. Oh. Such a visual. I'll do some audio description. She's looking into a bag. She's pulling out...

A green outfit that is, I think, a stretchy Shrek outfit. It says Shrek slut. On the front. And then it says the swamp over the butt. And then it's a hat with Shrek on it.

I'm reviewing the experience of being a Shrek slut for one night. What happened was I was doing a DJ battle. You had to pick a letter S for a band. I picked Smash Mouth. And I wanted to dress up like Shrek to encourage people to dance. And then I just felt comfortable and I stayed this way the whole night.

So I'm... Back up just two steps in the logical chain. Where did you feel that dressing up like Shrek would make people more likely to dance? I'd eaten a scotch egg that day. And I passed by Primark and I said, I gotta get...

I don't know, I was thinking about the night ahead and I was like, what could improve the night better but dressing up like a slutty Shrek? Thank you for clarifying what a Shrek slut was. That was going to be my next question. Were you like, is it a slut that belongs to Shrek, or is it a slutty Shrek? Yes, exactly.

I'm a slutty Shrek. Thank you so much. You belong to no ogre. No, exactly. Exactly. So yeah, I dressed up as it, and I also did the Fong song, and I had 50 Fongs hidden around my body,

and I freed them out to the crowd. Rosie Jones had four of them in her mouth at one point. I've been informed. And for the last one, it was Scooter and I didn't have any outfit ideas. So I wrote Germany across my stomach and just danced in my brow. Anyway, you really had to feed her.

Out of five stars, how would you rate that experience? Five, baby. It's changed my life. It's changed your outfit. I dress up like a slutty Shrek now every week. Sundays are my Shrek slut days. The Lord's Day. And

Mike Kaplan, what have you brought in to review for us this week out of five stars? So I might have misunderstood the assignment, but I guess I brought this tree shirt this week out of five stars. So I might have misunderstood the assignment, but, well, I guess I brought this tree shirt while we're doing clothing. I recommend highly. No,

so I brought, is this where we review our own shows or is that later? That's later. Shh, don't spoil it. I'm so sorry. Nothing happened.

I had an experience about the fringe. Is that a thing that for now? Anything you like. Anything in the world. Although you a thing? It can be anything you like. Anything in the world. Although you can't do licking batteries because Allison's already covered that. And Shrek's, though.

I've covered that, too. But I do like that as well. I guess mine will be a sincere experience I had seeing a show. The name of the show, I don't know if you can say it on the podcast. We do beeps. Fair enough. They have asterisks in the name of the show. I don't know if you can say it on the podcast we do beeps fair enough so all the way it's

they have asterisks in the name of the show it is by a theater troupe called Flawboard and it's the members of the troupe have disabilities

and the show is about disability and ableism and identity and it's called it looks like it's called It's a Mother F King Pleasure. And there's asterisks between the F and the king, so you can insert whatever words, any letters that they could be.

And it really was. It was a super pleasure, and I don't have a disability that I know of. And they asked the crowd if they did, if you'd like to volunteer the information that you didn't have a disability. And I was like, two of the members of the troop were blind. And I raised my hand to say that I'm not disabled in a way that is official and unofficial, who knows. But then they said, well, then please stand up and face the back of the room for half of the show.

And because of my privilege. And so I did. And then they told me to sit down a minute later because I was being weird. So it was a lot of fun like that. Five stars. Nice job. And Alison Spittel, will you review your show Soup for Us? So Soup is, oh, I give it like 66 stars out of five uh i so this is embarrassing uh when i i do in the fringe and people journalists ask for like your best jokes of the show but i

hadn't written the show yet so i wrote 10 jokes that involved uh puns on kylie minogue and none of that is in my show. But one of them got picked for the best joke of the fringe yesterday. Congratulations. Now you have to figure out a way to wedge it in somewhere.

Now you have to figure out a way to wedge it in somewhere. Oh, absolutely. Look, I'll figure out a way to get Kylie in any time. But yeah, I wrote a joke as a joke and then the joke has backfired. The show is about soup and CPTSD. There's no Shrex in it, but tomorrow

my mother is coming and I have 40 tickets to sell. I told people online, if I sell those 40 tickets, because I don't want my mum to think that I'm not a success, I will dress up like Shreut while doing the show about CPTSD. So hopefully mum will watch that with a full room and think Alison has made the right decision with her life. And Mike, can you review your show for us?

Sure, thank you so much. So I called my show Imperfect, is the way that I say it, but the P is capitalized as well as the I. So if you read it, it looks like it says I'm perfect and also imperfect. And so that's a bad way to get people to know how to say it. say it. And so, but sometimes they just see it and it's like imperfect, which it is. So it's an imperfect way. So it's kind of perfect that it's called imperfect. But then later, my girlfriend and I realized that we came up with a better name for it, but it was too late. Because the show starts with me saying, before we get started, that's how it starts.

Before we get started. So it's actually, it started now. This is the beginning of my show. It's 7.45 tonight. It's 3.30 now. And the whole of everything, since the Big Bang, it's been my show. Since before it. There's actually, you know, the Dalai Lama once said, how long can this review be?

And that, you know, before, the Big Bang's no problem for Buddhism. It's just not the first Big Bang. They talk about things going back to beginningless time. So before we get started is actually an impossibility because there was no start. And so this is what my show's about. And it is essentially... I called it imperfect because it was about, originally,

improvements that I was making in my life and in my comedy and my relationship and to the show. And I've improved the show so much that now the name doesn't work. So the show is perfect and it should be called, before we get started, but it's called Imperfect. And so for that I give it five and a half stars.

Five and a half stars. A round of applause for Mike Kaplan. Thank you so much. Also, Mike, I would like to congratulate you on really getting into the spirit of this podcast, which is jokes that people wish they had laughed at. I will say a joke

from the last time I was here in my show that is applicable forever is that one time, sometimes I do my show and every single member of the audience comes up to me individually afterwards and whispers into my ear, I liked it. Oh, my God.

Animal news now. This is the news that peacocks are overrunning a Florida town, requiring that they either be slaughtered or made infertile. So there's going to be a rash of peacock vasectomies. I'm excited about peacock vasectomies. Alison Spittel, you're dressed in green. Can you unpack this story for us? Yes, absolutely.

I think it's good that the peacocks have realized that maybe they won't be the best fathers. I presume this is an emotional reason why they're getting vasectomies. Isn't that why men do it? Isn't that not... They've either had enough kids or they feel they can't spread their DNA

anymore. Because there's probably some absolute peacock bastards out there. Yeah, they've either loved enough or haven't loved enough. Well, anyway, they're getting vasectomies. I mean, the town in which these peacocks are taking over

are planning to spend about $7,500 a month on peacock vasectomies, which I think we can all agree is the best use of the county budget. But the tricky part apparently is safely and humanely trapping the birds for surgery, because apparently they don't want their balls snipped. I have an idea for how they could fund it,

is they could make it a documentary because that would be, I mean, who wouldn't? I'd watch it and it could be on the streaming service Peacock. Do you guys have that here? They say that catching one peacock and giving them a vasectomy will probably stop seven females from reproducing, which we can all agree is going to make a vast difference to the problem. And in deer versus wolves news, this is the news that Guardian commentator George Monbiot,

This is the news that Guardian commentator George Monbiot, Monbiot? Monbiot. George Wankname. George! This is another overrunning, this is another ecosystem going wild story. This is the news that deer are now taking over so much, and George suggests we reintroduce wolves, wild wolves to the United

Kingdom. I think none of us can see that going wrong at all or have ever seen any kind of movie that would indicate that that's a kind of a bad idea or looked at Australia at all. Do you all know about, do you know that song about the woman who swallowed a fly and then

she swallowed a spider to catch the fly and then a spider to catch the fly. Yes. And then a deer to catch the spider. And then they introduced cane toads to New Zealand. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I'd rather a lot of deer than wolves.

Well, I mean, people are asking the question, where are you going to get the wolves from? But, of course, we all have two wolves inside of us. Ah! That's great. But only one of them is probably going to go after the deer. The other one's just content already. Do you know that song, She-Wolf by Shakira?

No. That will become very real because they'll be like, there's a she-wolf in the closet. Call the police. Let's get it out. Oh! I do know that song. Yeah.

I mean, I'm just looking forward to someone who really believes in the alpha male, beta male theory of masculine evolutionary prowess to encounter a wolf in the wild. I'd love to see, like, a wolf going into a bin. You know? It would just add such an exciting element to you going outside,

taking out the milk out the front door if there's a wolf that can maul you. I think what Britain needs is danger because people don't have enough stuff to be worried about and therefore they get involved in culture wars. Who's got time for culture wars if there's a

wolf eating out your esophagus? Who indeed? Who among us can say that we would maintain our strong position in the culture wars had we a wolf at our throats? For freedom of speech, you do need an esophagus.

Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. Is that a bird? Is it a plain old animal prank like the platypus or sexy tropical fur maid? Is it a lawn ornament?

No, it's a flamingo. Ooh. How many legs does it have? What deal did it make with what arcane power to have so deftly seized the imagination of the unimaginative millennial home and pub decor market? What else are they hiding in their horrible bendy mouths? Vote no on flamingos.

There's no election coming up, but vote no just in case. I wouldn't put it past them to be planning something. And if you've been temporarily blinded on a date by a fistful of thrown sand, try washing your eyes out with half a glass of water. Half a glass of

water. It's what's in the eye of the beholder. Uncategorizable news now. And this is the news of teeth. Teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth. Apparently there's a drug that is being developed in Japan to grow new teeth in human heads. Again, something I've never had nightmares about. They suggest that humans living longer than they were evolved to do

may now be allowed to take a drug that will give them a third set of teeth. Oh, my gosh. In their old age. It's unnatural. I mean, it's natural because it's from an animal that does that. But have you guys first, has anyone ever Googled a baby's head x-rayed? Don't do it. Because all of the teeth are there.

don't do it because all of the teeth are there. I have been told that that is a fiction and I believe it because I can't sleep if I don't believe that. Fair enough. What does the tooth stork bring the teeth to the kids? I feel this, the central problem with taking a pill

that will grow you new teeth is how do the teeth know where to grow? That's it. I'd love for it, I'd love like, imagine if your teeth were your eyebrows. Wouldn't that look beautiful?

That's like from Sandman. There's a character that Neil Gaiman created who has... His eyeballs are teeth. Yeah. I saw, when I was in Italy,

I saw an ad for the sunglasses that that guy wears so that you too can look like your eyeballs are teeth. If I may, one silly joke that I wrote and one strange sentence from the article.

First, this teeth story really puts an extra smile on my face. Thank you so much. Wear on my face, who can say? But here's a sentence from a dentist. The idea of growing new teeth is every dentist's dream. That's from the news.

Nine out of ten dentists wake up screaming. It said that I think 17% of human beings will lose all of their teeth by age 65. All of them? That's a lot of teeth and people.

Yeah, I've never got over the thought that I had in the middle of the night once that when you brush your teeth, you're polishing the only exposed part of your skeleton. I like to think about that on dates sometimes. And a new novel is out by self-published romance maven and online bestseller Dancy Lagarde. A women in STEM nemeses to lover historical romance with a supernatural twist set in the early paleontological era of Georgian history. Excavating her passion is the fourth in the Blue Stockings on Bedknobs series

of sexy science stories rated what looks like three red-hot throbbing chilis on the hotnessometer. Merrin is the daughter of an eccentric academic lord in the wilderness of Cornwall, roaming the beaches collecting bones from the cliffs and dunes and ignoring the boners of the local gentry. Buried in her books and theories, she fully intends to remain a blue-stocking spinster, publishing scientific papers under her father's name. Fox is the disgraced Earl of Mertenshireham. Condemned by society decades ago for running away with a married woman, he set his sights for further shores and has become a renowned, if infamously,

sexy Egyptologist. Returning to Cornwall for important business or family reasons, he wishes to meet Lord M, the reclusive dinosaur excavator whose papers he has been reading and refuting in the Royal Society Old Stuff papers. Welcomed by the Butler and the Lord, he believes to be his scientific interlocutor, Fox excuses himself to prepare an anachronistically enlightened and sensitive exegesis on the ethics of excavating mummies, which he plans to deliver over dinner.

As he roams the beaches in anticipation of this meeting of scientific minds, he stumbles across a windswept goddess with her skirts hiked up and, seized with passion, offers to carry her buckets of bones up the cliff in return for a gentlemanly smooch. Meron, certain she will never know the touch of a man, accepts the smooch for purely scientific research reasons and is stunned by the magnetic attraction she feels for this nice-smelling ruffian. They are carried away on a wave of lustful

but tasteful scientific experimentation via mutual fingering until the cumulative influence of sand and the impact of a sudden wet seagull recalls them both to their duties. Returning to what they suddenly both realise is the same house, they must each face the fact that their sexy beach stranger is their scientific

frenemy and intellectual equal. Will Meron be able to look past Fox's smirched past and her own plans for a lonely independent life to accept a future of love and Egyptology? Will Fox be able to accept the fiery masculine science brain behind her lushly feminine lady face and deep expressive boobs?

You'd think it would be a fairly soluble problem, but there's also a smuggling ring, ghosts, and the return of Fox's married alleged ex-lover, who he turns out to have actually been rescuing from an abusive husband because actually he was always too noble, etc, etc. But now she wants his help again and maybe also to bang him. Will Merrin and Fox be able to solve mysteries, histories, social expectations and their deeply unscientific need to bang each other in Merrin and Fox be able to solve mysteries, histories, social expectations and their

deeply unscientific need to bang each other in increasingly precarious and unlikely locations until love, like dinosaurs, finds a way? You can find out in Excavating Her Passion, available in all three and a half star rated bookshops and under the crust of recently slightly rained on sand

dunes. Alright. And that brings us to the end of the gargle for this week. Big round of applause for Alison Spittel. And Mike Kaplan. This is a Bugle Podcast and Alice Fraser production.

Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. Your editor is Ped Hunter. A round of applause for your brilliant guests. A round of applause for yourselves. Please tweet this. We have one more of these shows. Thank you for coming to the first ever live gargle. You can listen to other programs from the Bugle,

including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.