The Gargle - Lonely Ape | Penis plant | Scallops disco

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

Josh Gondelman and Alison Spittle join host Alice Fraser for episode 63 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast - with no politics! Lonely Ape dating app Seth Green's NFT stolen Penis plant TikTok forest fire Scallops disco Ghostly mirror universe ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. spike straps. It's better than being in the wilderness, surviving on the merest scraps of boot leather and witchety grubs. Sure, the world isn't what it was, but at least here you have The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine, the Bugle's audio newspaper for visual world. Hello, this is The Gargle. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Josh Gondelman and Alison Spittel. Welcome to the show. Hello, how you doing? Hello, thank you for having us.

Oh, it's a delight. We'll snuggle up for the giggly sleepover and braid each other's hair in a circle of this week's stories. But first, let's have a peep at the front cover. The front cover this week is Alex Honnold, the greatest free solo climber in history, posing with his new baby and a sudden shocking awareness

of his own mortality creeping into the grey spaces behind his eyes. That's going to be a fun thing to watch. I just don't, you know, halfway up a mountain thinking, I have responsibilities. The satirical cartoon this week is a picture of a gun looking depressed and saying, won't anyone think about my feelings? Our top story for this week's edition of the magazine is sausage news. A lonely ape dating club app has turned into a sausage fest

and been cancelled because not enough women are into cryptocurrency, at least not in a dating sort of way. Alison Spittel, you've seen a lonely, bored ape. Can you unpack this story for us? Yes, so this is a story basically about a horny apiot club dating app, right, that has had too many men subscribe to it and not enough women. And they have shut down the website, which i think shows a great lot of integrity um which are words i thought would never pass my mouth when talking about cryptocurrency dude bros but like they're

already better morally than ashley madison who you know when other dating apps have had too many men they they've had bots to pretend that they're women. At least with this, they're being honest with their customers. It's quite sweet, actually. It's quite sweet. And yeah, it's weird because you can look at, you can't really meet the people in real life. You could show them your different types of NFTs and tell them how long you've, is it diamond handed?

This is all like new language that I've learned. Apparently like diamond hands is to say like how long you've had the NFT for. It's very, very niche and I'm not going to kink shame anybody except crypto dude bros. The thing about diamond handing is that there's part of this internal culture where so much of it is sort of a pyramid scheme that relies on other people also investing their hopes and dreams into this thing that only exists if you all agree to believe in it forever. That the thing that makes you rely on somebody else is basically how hard they have committed to ongoing gullibility. Yeah, that's what the diamond is. You hold on to it really hard and you because you know that's what um diamonds are known for it's for continued

uh continued ownership even as value dips and dips and dips like diamonds do you know how diamonds are always losing their value uh causing people's like self-esteem and sense of worth to plummet and and causing their financial portfolio to go into disarray so this is like diamonds totally isn't like dating itself like the ultimate pyramid scheme like you know when you buy in too late you're kind of like i don't know maybe it's because i'm in a very long-term relationship and i'm holding on to him for dear life and every day i get get more and more afraid. Diamond hands in that investment. I mean, that's what an engagement ring is, right?

It's love's diamond hands. Yeah, it is. I don't know. Is it an abomination in a way to, like, it feels like we're trying to set up women with apes. And, like, this has been done for nearly 100 years. Look at King Kong. You know what I mean? Like, this is. for nearly 100 years.

Look at King Kong. You know what I mean? Like, this is... I feel like we're fae-raying these women of going, like, here's an ape. Here's some money. Have a good time.

And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. Josh, have you ever bought an NFT? I haven't. You know, because, like, I like to waste my money on things I can eat or touch. And if I'm going to waste my money, it's going to be, uh, I look,

and I have no high ground to stand on. I have so many pairs of sneakers in my house, but at least when worst comes to worst and like my, my, uh, life collapses, I can put on those sneakers and run away, which is not something that NFTs afford you. This is, this whole dating thing is so funny to me because not only right. Does it mean that that there were too many men and this doesn't appeal to women? And so it couldn't be a viable dating app. It means that there are no gay men were into it either, because if it was like a lonely

gay ape yacht club and all the people that subscribed were men, it'd be like, hell yeah, we're in a thriving fraud art community. And that's a basis of our relationships. But it's like the straightest thing. And as a straight guy, I say this, that like a mediocre picture of an ape is like a very straight guy concept of art. It's like a Pulp Fiction poster in a frame without there having been the movie Pulp Fiction for it to be based on. And like, just on a practical level, if everybody here owns those bored apes, you can't have a dating app where everyone's picture is basically the same. That's not what a dating app is. So like, of course, it was mostly dudes.

An NFT dating website is only going to attract lonely guys. You might as well have said it was for fans of Joe Rogan who think cargo shorts are both functionally and aesthetically ideal and who think they're clever for listing the pronouns in their bio as Rick slash Morty. So like, yeah, that's who's going to come to this. Well, in other NFT news, somebody has stolen Seth Green's Bored Ape, which he was planning to have star in his new show.

Josh Gondelman, you've written on a show. Can you unpack this story? Well, you know, I've had a little trouble catching up with this, the intricacies of the story as it unfolds, because since I read the initial headline, I have been holding a candlelight vigil for Seth Green. It's been kind of a big thing, probably a few hundred people have shown up outside my apartment, just praying for his ape to return. We've been chanting, singing. People have been donating blood. Nobody asked them to do that. I don't think that's even necessary. But such is the

commitment of the public to Seth Green's financial investment in a picture of an ape. So what happened was he bought this NFT, Seth Green, and then it was stolen from him. And then now a new owner purchased it you know fraudulently but that now they are the owner of this essentially intellectual property so he can no longer base his tv show uh on this ape because someone else stole the ip which is like if in national treasure nicholas cage stole the declaration of independence now he's like, I own America. This story is so funny and stupid. And I hope everyone's NFTs get stolen and then everyone else bases TV shows on other people's NFTs that they've taken.

I've seen people refer to stealing an NFT or stealing Bitcoin as a heist. And I just have to say the word heist used to mean something. I don't mean to sound like an old man, but you needed a getaway driver, a diversion, whatever Bernie Mac did. And now you just email someone and they're like, give me your password. I'm the password guy. And they do. That's not a heist. It's a scam. What's the ballistics guy going to even do? Thank you. Just stand behind you. Right. I mean, I guess you can explode something,

but it seems like more of an unnecessary arousing of attention than anything else. I mean, yeah, the only thing you're going to explode is the inherent value of a valueless product. Apparently, overall, NFTs have dropped 96% in value over the last very short period, which is good to know. That's the downside. The upside is that they're still worth 4% more than their actual value. This is such a sad story because Seth Green has put out a public call for the person who stole his ape and then sold it on to the person

who bought it to please return it. And they'll have a conversation in private about him buying it back, presumably. And this is what happens every time someone still gets an ape stolen, is they go on Twitter and they say, please give me back my ape in this very sad way. It's such a brief and concise cry from the heart that simultaneously reveals why you have regulation in the first place. Like you can't enthusiastically buy into a system in part because it's lack of regulation.

And then the moment you lose your board ape, like call out for some some higher power. I love when people go to the authorities for it. It's like you can't do that. authorities for it it's like you can't do that you're right you're saying it's like an unregulated completely you know anonymous currency or for a form of ownership of art and then the second that it goes wrong they're like uh-uh police it's like if someone stole a bunch of your heroin and you immediately went to the cops and were like help me recover my heroin and like you realize that's not our job like i mean usually we don't do our job either, but that's especially not our job. It's like Friar Tuck going to HR because little John is bullying him.

It's like, come on, man. You're an outlaw. Suck it up an outlaw. If someone steals your NFT, you should have to find a guy with an eyepatch and a sword made of glowing numbers named Continuum to get it back for you. And if he double crosses you, you should have to chase him into a computer screen. I love the way NFT people are very libertarian about the age of consent. But like as we've seen where they've made their own private island. But when it comes to copyright law, they're like, no, Ient yeah yeah yeah they're sticklers that's so funny also um josh could

i talk to you about that idea about the guy with the sword made out of numbers called continue i think seth green is looking for a new concept television show yeah i'll sell it to him for twice whatever he was gonna pay for his eight back now it's time for your ads because you can't be what you can't buy but what you can buy is ad space on the gargle yes this the gargle the gargle that i'm talking through now contact us at hello buglers at the bugle podcast.com if you would like me to say your words with my mouth oh what an offer and this episode of the podcast is brought to you by london yes the london the london of the millennium dome the tate modern or as those who are in the no-no you're not meant to

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that somehow still makes you want to punch them. Really, I'm genuinely sorry for the hurt I've caused you. It must have felt like your trust was being betrayed and like you couldn't count on me. Oof! ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy.

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Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. That's all the time we have for our ads section because now it's time for our government announcements about penis plants news now. The Cambodian government has been forced to make an announcement asking the public to stop picking the carnivorous penis plant over fears that it may be wiped out.

There is a rare... I mean, for background noise, I assume, for background information, I will assume that you know that there is a carnivorous penis plant over fears that it may be wiped out. There is a rare, I mean, for background noise, I assume, for background information, I will assume that you know that there is a carnivorous penis plant in Cambodia and that people are taking photographs of themselves picking and licking this plant, presumably for slightly sexy Instagram, which is like Instagram, but more so. Alison Spittel, have you seen these horrifying pictures? Unfortunately, not up close. I've seen the pictures of this plant.

It's a bit of a mouthful, this plant. It's called Nepenthes buccarensis, and it's vulnerable to extinction. So basically it's a plant that is a, apparently it smells like candy, and it's got a long shaft. And how would we describe the tip? I mean, who's saying it smells like candy. And it's got a long shaft. And how would we describe the tip? I mean, who's saying it smells like candy? Big, big penis, like Big Pharma. They're just pushing through that narrative all the time.

So this is like, to describe it for listeners that are listening, which you will be, it does look like a penis. It does look like a penis. There's no other way of saying it. It looks like a penis. It's a carnivorous plant, which is exciting. I think one of my favorite ever puns that has been mentioned in this article, they describe this as a, because it's a carnivorous plant that looks like a penis,

they've named it the penis fly trap. Do you know what? Who knew penises are a big hit? And people have been picking them and doing TikToks with them and taking pictures with them. And the Cambodian government are saying please stop picking the flowers they're becoming extinct we must treat these penises with respect and you know they should follow my rule generally which is my rule for penis plants is very much the same as penises in general if you see one out in the wild leave it be right that's

my rules and if you are going to pick one uh leave the seeds in the ground so a new one grows yes absolutely well you know that these plants kill ants like that's what they do and like i've been thinking about this like uh imagine if a guy brought you home and his chat applied was like hey babe want to come back and see me kill some ants like that's I think it would be better than come and see my lonely ape NFTs but I'm just very very

very very kind of like charmed by the idea of these penis shaped plants killing ants and destroying life as it is. It's quite interesting to me. Also, there's a Nepenthe, which is the kind of plant that it is, and they have what's called a passive pitfall trap,

and I've definitely met that guy. That's what I called my apartment when I was in my 20s. I want to reiterate what Alison said, that they do look like dicks like it's not how ursa major kind of looks like a bear if you draw a bear around it like these look like dicks yeah if you were trying to send an unsolicited dick pic and didn't have confidence in your own work you could definitely grow one of these in your backyard if say um mark walberg needed a stunt penis for a film in the 90s this would adequately function and then he would apologize to god for it i think i have a uh a slogan for the cambodian government that they could use

they should put up little signs that say take dick pics don't pick dicks. Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is so funny that you made, like, air leave my lungs in, like, a euphoric, yeah! Where I didn't even laugh. I was like, yes! Agreed!

Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I was like, yes! Agreed! Correct. Hear, hear. That's, when I perform live, what I want is the whole audience in unison going, I second that. Motion carried. And the plants, this is what I think is tough. The plants are picked by women who kind of laugh at the appearance and post it online, right? And they're laughing at these penises.

And in the plant's defense, it was chilly that day. People are plucking these for TikToks and they might send the plant to extinction, which is intense. Previously, the only thing that TikTok has caused to go extinct is the world's overall sense of shame. If you can't pull off the choreography, you don't have to post a picture of yourself doing the dance. But yet we do. We persevere. And it is, it's a carnivorous plant. So picking it is kind of a low key way to get back at phallic predators when our society doesn't uh offer that option in many cases yep yeah we're doing more

news on tiktok soon uh so save your tiktok jokes for later because now it's time for your reviews your reviews section now as you know each week we ask our guest editors come in and review something out of five stars josh guman, what have you got to review? I've got two reviews. They're kind of short and they work in tandem. My first review is for the experience of eating fettuccine Alfredo. Incredible sensory experience, thick and hearty pasta, a rich and delicious sauce that tastes like it was either cooked by an expert

chef or came straightly from God's balls. Five out of five. Five out of five stars for eating fettuccine Alfredo. The experience of having eaten fettuccine Alfredo, it's like your stomach is losing a boxing match to itself. It's gut-wrenching, heart-stopping, butt-crushing, I dare say. Zero out of five stars so a total review for the experience of consuming and having consumed fettuccine alfredo 2.5 out of 5 stars not too bad that's

not too bad it's fine you wouldn't you wouldn't turn your nose up at it no alison spittle so what i'm reviewing today is the experience of putting bicarbonate of soda on your two-year-old birkenstocks and i i've been at birkenstocks where a converter during a converted during lockdown i was like now is the time for me to break in birkenstocks and i've been wearing them uh nearly every day since uh about a week ago i thought i smelled uh cinema nachos uh in my sitting room and i was like am i having a stroke is someone brought back a treat no it was the smell of my birkenstocks and it's a very scary thing to feel that the you know the smell is coming from when it's with inside the shoes and uh i i looked up i looked up how to make your uh birkenstocks not smell of

feet and it's uh putting bicarbonate of soda on it so i did it and then i then i also brushed it like like teeth right there's a there's a very there's a very like very human feeling about brushing your shoes like teeth and seeing the dirt come from within the pores and then leaving it out on the balcony for it to kind of like get rid of its odor. And I'm like, where does the odor go? I don't know. I don't know and I don't care. And I smelled them the next day. It smelled of nothing. It smelled like void.

And I felt amazing. Like I've never felt so powerful in my life and uh so i'm given the experience of bicarbing i'm gonna call it bicarbing uh 4.5 out of 5 and give it a 4.5 out of 5 i feel like a responsible adult like it feels like recycling as in like i i do it to make myself feel good, but it's not going to stop us all dying. And that's how I feel about bicarbing my Birkenstocks. That's beautiful. Now it's time for social media news. This is the news that a TikTok influencer has been alleged

to have started a forest fire in order to film a dance video in front of the forest fire alison spittle you're a big tiktok fanatic can you unpack this story i'm a big tiktok fanatic as in like i go on it but i'm afraid all of the time so this happened in pakistan and pakistan is like one of the most um affected countries by uh forest fires and by kind of like uh yeah by forest fires and apparently this lady took a uh tiktok of herself and said like fires just happened where i am and um and people are people are asking for her to be arrested they say that she set the fire itself another man got arrested for setting a fire uh in another part of pakistan

for tiktok so there is like a a bit of a kind of like a pattern of behavior um but setting a forest fire for me is like the fifth most environmentally bad thing that's been done for tiktok if we all remember that man who put orbeez down his sink and toilet and destroyed a whole sewage system in France. It's like, why are we shocked that people are doing environmentally bad things for clout at all? Yeah, so this is what's happened. That there's a new craze of forest fires, which I think has a bit more dignity than getting your grandma to do a dance. Like, that's how I feel about it. Josh?

I think this story is a sad comment on the state of society. Because, like, in previous times, if you wanted to seem decadent and indifferent while the world burned behind you, you at least had to learn how to play the fiddle. And I feel like that's a big improvement. to learn how to play the fiddle and i feel like that's a big improvement she did deny setting the fire and i believe her because normally on tiktok you never deny your bad behavior straight out you simply justify it with your zodiac sign right like if you can't handle me at my forest fires i guess you just don't deserve a Scorpio in your life. It feels like such Scorpio behavior. Big Scorpio behavior, right? Set in a fire.

And honestly, when I heard that someone had caused a forest fire just to film a TikTok, I was shocked that it wasn't a gender reveal. Blown away. Yeah, don't waste a forest fire on a mere glamour shot Right Tell me if your baby has a penis Yeah, just pick a few of these penis plants Set them on fire Pick the last ones

Destroy an ecosystem during a heatwave Guess which species has just gone extinct and you have a Venus flytrap on one shoulder and then a penis plant over the other shoulder. And then you say, which carnivorous species have I just made extinct? You know, I read that Georgia O'Keeffe once painted a portrait of one of those penis plants and it just neutralized itself. It came out as no picture.

It's going to be like one of those Robert Reimans. That's all the time we have for our social media news because now it's time for our science news. Science news now. And scientists have made the accidental discovery that scallops love disco lights. Now, I'm going to unpack this story because I found it deeply upsetting.

It was one of those misleading headlines, which is that scallops love disco lights, but there is no doof-doof music. There are no puppy piles of octopuses on MDMA in the corner. It's just that if you put a pot light in your net, it will attract scallops. Alison Spittel, would you go fishing for scallops in this way? Genuinely, last week I went to Borough Market and I ate a scallop. attract scallops alison spittle would you go fishing for scallops in this way genuinely last week i went to uh borough market and i and i ate a scallop and it was beautiful and then when i read this new story it's genuinely made me feel more guilt than babe the pig i don't know why a love of

disco lights and just general kind of like it's made me so guilty about these scallops having like a joy for life they're dressed for the occasion though I think they're the most like flamboyant looking of all shellfish you know if a scallop came out

on RuPaul's Drag Race I would be like slay that's incredible look at that shell. Like, genuinely. So, like, yeah, it's, will I eat another scallop? Yes, probably. I can't. I'm just gutted that there are no crustaceans on pingas in this story.

I have been waiting for a fish disco since they cut that scene in The Little Mermaid short, you know, before the fish disco. They shot that when they opened the seashell and everyone realizes simultaneously that Ariel didn't show up and that however good Under the Sea is, they haven't invented the concept of understudies in live performance yet. Don't tell me that that scene would be worse if the seashell opened up and there's a manatee in a red wig.

Come on. Come on, playing the part of the princess, just living its best life. I would love to see Prince Eric try and romance a manatee in a red wig as well. Like, oh, she can't speak. And also, she's a manatee in a red wig. They're like, Eric. Come on, Eric, you need to... Dude, come on, man.

You're too horny, my man. I think that's a problem for a lot of Disney princes. Just too horny, my man. I think that's a problem for a lot of Disney princes. Just too horny. You've been to sea too long. That's what they, that's Allison, right? Isn't that what they think mermaids are, right? Like in history, people would see manatees and be like, that's a sexy lady with a fishtail. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. The general facial structure and contours. It's just so funny to like look out and be like, I don't know what that is, but I'd f*** it for sure. Oh, it can sing as well. Wow. Tie me to the mask because I'm going to f*** that fish if you don't. God, sailors are too horny. It's true.

That's all the time we have for our Scallop Disco Horny Sailors News because now it's time for Space News. Space News is that there is possibly a ghostly mirror universe. So a scientist has posited a ghostly unseen mirror world that interacts with our own via gravity and apparently saying that solves the the maths josh gondelman can you unpack this story i feel the same all Allison. Look, I don't understand this story at all. I will say a couple things. If there is another universe that is like ours, that exists as kind of a spectral mirror, I would like to go there that's i would like to leave here and be there but my hope is that if there is a mirror universe it's one of those department store mirrors that makes you look good in everything and not one of those office bathroom mirrors that make you ask how you a ghostly pale slug with glasses opened the doorknob to get out of the house in the morning

we don't know We don't know. We don't know if it's a good mirror or if it's a bad mirror or if it's a fully black mirror universe where you get there and you're like, oh, all my social media followers actually follow me around all day. F*** me. Damn. Dystopia. Oh, yeah. If you go into the black mirror universe, everything is a heavy handed metaphor for

how bad things could get. Incredibly, yeah. I get that. So the problem is the Hubble constant problem, which is that the Hubble constant is the rate of expansion of the universe, which if you try and do the math to predict the rate of expansion of the universe, you're always wrong. So cosmologists have been trying to solve that problem by changing the model they gotta focus on doing people's hair dye like i'm not disrespecting them but they gotta

focus on perms and stuff this shouldn't be on their plate they're busy basically they they they're trying to predict the expansion of something that they don't know quite how big it is. And so if it's expanding at a slower or faster rate, then they think that they must be wrong about how big it is, which is also just a theory. It's deeply confusing unless you're a cosmologist and confusing if you are a cosmologist because whatever your prediction is, it's wrong. But apparently the proposition of a mirror universe

slows gravity down or speeds it up either one in the theory which means that it's not a problem sick allison spittle when you look at the stars and you wish upon a star do you wish that the hubble constant were not a problem i found this new story as confusing as everything everywhere all at once but way less enjoyable i hate any mention of anything that makes me feel small so any mention of space you know where brian cox have you ever watched him and his documentaries where he's like you know we are just a speck in in in time i'm like shut your mouth my problems are real like shut your mouth so uh so reading this story actually made me kind of, like, disassociate from my body.

I'm having a hard time, generally. Just even saying this sentence. So, there's a mirror world out. There's a mirror universe out there. And, you know, if they're that good, why don't they make contact with us i don't i don't give a shit unless they come to my balcony like this mirror universe like like the pigeons are at the moment like uh that's the only way i will acknowledge uh the mirror universe

or gravity what to make it stronger or or or less strong i i didn't know there was a strength level of gravity. I don't know anything. Oh, there's definitely a strength level of gravity. Like when you're walking up a hill. There's less on the moon. Yeah, that's true. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right, actually.

Okay. Okay, I understand now. Thank you. You see, that's all I need is for someone. Alison, I know just one thing and you happen to walk towards the one thing that i know and i was like i'm ready to say it the ghostly mirror world is exactly the same as this world except in it the movie the matrix is really boring. Alison, I think it's right.

But I think you're onto something. You said maybe it'll come to your balcony. Maybe the mirror universe is what did that magic on your Berks. Whoa. Do you think that's where the smells have gone? To that mirror universe? I think they did. I think the mirror universe is incredibly fragrant. It's like a Fatberg universe where we're like

where did this stuff go we flush it away and it's like this mirror universe it's where all the smells go it's like the tank in ghostbusters where there's just all the ghosts swirling around so like febreze is really keeping it going as a concept oh my god fabrice just zaps into the mirror world yeah well when you do a fart and think you've got away with it yeah but you don't know why you've got away with it yeah mirror universe well that's all the time that we have for our ghostly mirror universe news now we're flipping through the ads at the back and we're going to look at what you're plugging. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug?

Oh my gosh, have I got something to plug? It's a show called Wet, right? I'm bringing it to Dublin, the 5th of November, Liberty Hall. I'm bringing it to Edinburgh Fringe Festival, 4.45 every day in the Pleasant's Courtyard. And that's from the 3rd until the 29th. Apart from the 9th of August.

The 22nd of June I'm doing a preview of the show Wet. And the 4th, that's going to be in the Pleasance in London. And yeah, come along to that. Do go along to that. Josh Connellman, have you got anything to plug? Yes, so Showtime's Desus and Mero is back. On Showtime Thursdays at 11. I work there, not just a fan.

And I have a comedy special coming out. I can't, I think the official announcement hasn't happened of the date yet, but it's going to have a wide digital distribution on YouTube and Vimeo and whatever. And it'll be available. I can't say the date, I don't think, but it will be in June. That's what I'll say. So keep your eyes open. Follow me at Josh Gondelman on Twitter and Instagram.

And my special people pleaser will come out soon. That's so exciting. That is genuinely exciting news. Oh my gosh. I'm thrilled by that. I would like to thank our roving reporters. If you would like to send in a story that you think would be good on the gargle, tweet us at HelloGogglers.

This week we had James VT and Tom Begley, who sent in the Lonely Ape dating story. Gemma, GadgetGav, Nick the Guitar, Caitlin and Richard, who all sent in the Seth Green NFT theft with breaking news. We just decided to do that story before the podcast because we had such a plethora of roving reporters sending it in. Stuart Wilson,

who sent in the penis plant story. Al Wackas, who sent in the TikTok forest fire story. And Brian Richardson, who sent in the scallop disco story. I'm Alice Fraser. I'm your host. Find me online at Twitter at alliterative, A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. Also on Instagram or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. That is a one-stop shop for all of my standout specials, podcasts and blogs,

as well as the Dancy Lagarde tribute competition, which will be running for one more week. And then I'll spend the next month reading all of them. And then I'll decide who wins the 200 pounds and the $1,000 of cryptocurrency, which is an authenticated ledger where you get £1,000 worth of authenticated ledger, which is where I write your name in an actual ledger. Wow. That's like an NFT.

Yes. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter and your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from the Bugle Podcast and Alice Fraser Production. Your editor is Ped Hunter and your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle,

wherever you find your podcasts.