The Gargle - Misinformation | Medical news | Animals

Episode Date: March 23, 2021

Helen Zaltzman and Charlie George join host Alice Fraser for episode five of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🤖 Misinformation news💦 Moon to have ark of jizz��� Lab-grown crying tear ducts🥍 Pickleball - the mash-up lockdown sport🧊 Walrus on ice drifts to Ireland🐖 20 stone 'micro pig' living in houseThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. Acast.com satire, just page after page of witty, pithy, slick, razor-sharp, often dick jokes and revenge. We are a small squad of elite warriors tasked with hunting down the least political news and turning it into this, the slick, latex-clad, glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world, The Gargle. Welcome to the show. Your guests today are the off-Broadway, one-woman, show-id woman, Charlie George. Welcome. Hi, thank you for having me. I actually only agreed to come on because I thought it was going to be a gargling performance.

I did actually win the regional South West championship for gargling with Gaga, where you have to gargle Listerine to the songs of Lady Gaga. The trophy is actually two tonsils hanging from an epiglottis. It's really beautiful. It's on my mantelpiece. Looks phallic, but it isn't. And intrepid etymologist plunging pit helmet clad into the deepest, darkest jungles of criticising unexamined linguistic colonial power structures, Helen Zaltzman.

Welcome. Hi. I've just been enjoying the news reports from Taiwan that 130 people changed their name to Salmon because a restaurant said you get free sushi if your name is salmon and then apparently there's a cap on the number of times you can change your name there I think three is the maximum so some people are now stuck with it free sushi though that's free sushi for how long and salmon forever yeah and and also I mean free sushi that's not an enduring thing you've not got that on the mantelpiece for years,

reminding you of what an incredible grift you did. Yeah, I also feel like bargain sushi is not the thing. You know, like of all the things that you want to have a bargain of, I feel like sex toys and sushi are the two things that you want to go more expensive. On our front cover this week, the AstraZeneca vaccine posing in a scandalous two-piece with the headline, My Side of the Story. Also inside, misinformation news, or is it? The new trend, blender reveal parties where you invite your friends around for smoothies

and nobody has to think about baby genitals at all, my favourite kind of party. And the Snyder Cut, watchable garbage or unwatchable art. The satirical cartoon this week is the police chief in Atlanta at a cafe table with a napkin tucked into his shirt, holding a knife and fork, being served a plate with one of those metal lids that's lifted away with a flourish to reveal his own whole foot. With the thought bubble, this is a really bad day.

Section one in the magazine today is technology misinformation news, putting the lie into technology lie. And it turns out that 111 Facebook profiles are responsible for half of all, quote, vaccine-hesitant, unquote, content. Is it all my friend's parents? It's a case of the age-old tiny prick massive problem isn't it like you know like people are vaccine hesitant which i think makes sense because it's not like you're like i can't wait to receive this biological preparation made from the weakened

or killed forms of a microbe that resembles a disease-causing microorganism that will stimulate my body's immune system to recognize it as a threat, destroy it, and to further recognise and destroy any of the microorganisms associated with it that I may encounter in the future. I mean, unless I get a lolly or a sticker. Isn't it amazing? Just a year ago, we were all suddenly epidemiologists, and now we're suddenly all experts on how immunisation works. Incredible. Yeah, look, I don't know uh but at least i know that i don't know you know yeah i went to the chip shop the other day and the guy behind the counter was like well i had i had a vaccine appointment last week but i left because they offered me astrazeneca

and i was like the only protection you have against this virus is a piece of cling film that is hanging over only one quarter of your counter and there are all these maskless tools in here all the time. Like, what would you trust more? I don't know. I mean, it's sort of astonishing because the complaint against AstraZeneca seems to be that it may cause some blood clotting and that that risk is not worth it to protect you from the risk of COVID. But you know what causes heaps more blood clotting? The female contraceptive pill. So, you know, I feel like, you know what causes heaps more blood clotting? The female contraceptive pill.

So, you know, I feel like, you know, if you're more willing, if you're willing to wear a mask rather than suffer the mild risk of blood clotting, and it doesn't even make you fat, spotty or angry, I feel like you should either wear a condom or get a vaccine. Ideally both. That should be on the side. Doesn't make you fat, spotty or angry. Like that should be on the side of't make you fat spotty or angry like that should be

on the side of a lot of things to like encourage that but yeah i do find it's weird that like people who are super anti-vaccine are like they always seem like the kind of people who would take a lot of other drugs you know like like maybe party drugs or they would do other stuff like do you know what i mean they seem out there and they seem wild enough for like other things so it's weird to be like hesitant about something that you're like okay you get a tiny bit of this thing and then you learn to fight it off but no I'm just gonna eat all of this entire cake and maybe drink myself to oblivion instead what I'm vexed by is you've got like these profiles working very effectively and yet

Facebook pages where someone has actually chosen to hear what you have to say, they will show to like two people when you post something. Oh yeah, because there is heaps more money in like overthrowing the entirety of civilisation than there is in telling people that want to know about my gig that I have a gig this Sunday. Yeah, but that's what I find really weird about this article, right, is that like social media, like that was the most thing that jumped out to me, was social media being a primary source of health information for millions of people like it's like oh you've got a bad leg look at twitter see what to do about it twitter says all gammy legs are because of the bbc and the bbc must be defunded in order for us to heal like gout is the direct result of watching the

one show which might be true actually that one could. The only news I trust is Jedward's Twitter account. They're pretty right on, Jedward, actually. Yeah. If you follow them. Are they good for health updates, though? Is it health stuff or is it hair news? Because I imagine with them, they've got great hair, haven't they? That it's hair advice.

They can do both. The great hair is their secret, but the truth is everybody's. And in other Facebook misinformation news, it turns out that Facebook's algorithms, supercharged by an internal team focusing on ethical AI, were mainly focusing on AI bias, which is where the autofill calls a Dr. He instead of the whole thing that the AI was actually doing, which was disrupting the political balance of the whole world. Helen Zaltzman, have you been following this story? No, I'm all right, thanks.

I figure at this point of Facebook being evil, I'm just going to tap in for whatever the big final act is. So this is the story of Joaquin Quinoneiro Candela, who was a director of AI at Facebook, and he's awkwardly apologised for basically destroying the entire world in the pursuit of infinite growth. But they gave us the care reaction in compensation. Which is what I would like to have said is what I do care about is this not happening. I'm kind of interested in that whole phenomenon of like free speech versus potential harm online and that whole kind of issue of like well we can't

regulate stuff even when it's really harmful like i always think like why don't we use the much derided but ever effective verruca salt method um which i don't know if you've seen charlie in the chocolate factory where basically like i think we need to put more issues on a scale that is designed for a golden goose egg and and see if it's worthy or if it's destined for the crapshoot like that is what I think we need to do because I feel like sometimes we're just like yeah we're having this argument about what should be allowed and what shouldn't be allowed it's like yeah let's just allow everything but it's like no some stuff definitely needs to go down the crapshoot. Oh, yeah. I mean, look, I would be all in for weighing Mark Zuckerberg's heart against a feather at the Egyptian God set.

I think that would be incredible, incredible news. Also, the concept of free speech is not supposed to be just say whatever shit you want without consequence. Yeah. You know, it's like we're all supposed to shit medically, but there's some places where it's more appropriate to do it than others. Like into sewerage rather than into an ice cream fridge at the shop. Please stop throwing shit at everyone's windows.

And it does feel like people are just investing more time and energy into apologising. That's the thing people are getting really good at, is not saying things or doing things that are less harmful, but just getting really, like putting too much energy into the apology. Do you think? I think the apologies are so bad.

Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you analyse them, I've only ever seen one out of hundreds that is like remotely apologetic. If you look at them, they're usually just not addressing it at all. Maybe I'm too accepting.

I've read a very interesting master's thesis about this. It's an incredibly difficult line to walk between apologising sincerely for the harm that you've caused and you feel truly in your heart and becoming legally liable for the harm that you've caused and feel deeply in your wallet. So that's what's going on in that crazy word salad that I think I'm like oh they seem like they're really sorry about this but no they're just dodging legal action that's what's happening you have to be sorry enough that they don't sue you apparently if you say sorry then the legal consequences tend to be far less because usually people are like oh okay then rather than continuing to press a case against someone

or seeking a higher settlement so actually the legal imperative would be to apologize rather than be like if I offended someone then I would be sorry if I were capable of feeling. There's a lot of conditionals there. Conditionals really take the apology away. That and like three paragraphs about like, you know, how you're not a racist, actually, like that's convincing. Yeah, that's more important than whatever you're apologising for. Webster's Dictionary defines apology as... Well, it was originally a defence and an excuse, so people are in the grand tradition of that.

I do have some good Facebook advice for people though, to make your experience better. Pop-out section Facebook advice from our Facebook expert Helen Zaltzman. So for a couple of years I marked every ad as spam, subcategory offensive. And now the ads I get

are really good shit. That's mind blowing. I had one for like a lavender farm I had one this morning for like a foldable paper bench. Whoa. It's good stuff. It's a long game but a good game. What I do with the algorithm is it can't quite make me

out because I don't put a huge amount of stuff online except occasionally stuff about like Dwayne the Rock Johnson or comedy shows so it's still not quite sure who I am what I'm interested in what my sexuality is what my gender is it sort of starts throwing some I get some real interesting ads that's for sure that's great just funny wrestling like you're just into really funny wrestling yeah male pattern baldness cures and then also like aging woman infertility scare tactics I get both they know me really well it's all tote bags and like rock t-shirts they know me they know my soul they know how flimsy it is okay but I love the

rock johnson that's a good yeah there's something about him isn't it it's really charismatic like I have a recurring dream that I'm polishing his head and it's really enjoyable what with like one of those um like mr sheen cloths did you ever have that like mr like the yellow ones with the little stitching round that yeah polishing his head oh very nice very soft objectifying men it's funny sorry we've got a brief window to do this in charlie george 10 years ago it wouldn't have been allowed, and in ten years from now, it will be workplace harassment. Exactly. This brief window, we get to take advantage of it.

In other technology misinformation news, a Pennsylvania woman has created deep fake videos to force off rivals on her daughter's cheerleading squad, according to police who have arrested this 50-year-old Bucks County woman for sending her teen daughter's cheerleading coach's fake photos and videos depicting her rivals in a series of adult situations to try and get them kicked off the squad so that her daughter can rise in the ranks of the cheerleading pyramid.

Charlie George, you've done dance. Is this the kind of tactic that is usual? Yeah, it's pretty down. I mean, what I love is that, like, a lot of teenagers who came forward, they were all part of the same travelling cheerleading group called the Victory Vipers, and who knew that they'd actually end up getting attacked

by the ultimate venomous snake, a local sports team mum. As if being a teenager isn't bad enough about someone else's mum harassing you. There was actually a series that was really, I think it was like dance mums and stuff. So I'm familiar with this phenomenon of mean mums and stuff, but I'm not going to lie,

I would like to see the cheerleading squad version of a Your Mama fight. Your mum is so vengeful, she hacks personal data and tells other kids to kill themselves like it was that it was that extreme like one of the things I found really funny right was that some of the teenagers were sent photos of themselves in bikinis with an accompanying text that said they were drinking at the shore the most shameful of all adolescent

activities drinking at the shore why did she send it to the girls themselves? Why not just send it to whoever is coaching the squad? So they're like, I've seen this, and then they have to defend themselves. Whereas if you send them to the victims, they're like, well, this is obviously fake. Like, what is the effect on them? Bad planning. Also, she's probably going to face child pornography charges

for making fake nudes of children. I mean, yes, obviously. I feel like it's probably because she's 50 and doesn't quite know how modern technology works. Or else it's a very, you know, it's that thing where you think of the person you're writing the text about and then you accidentally send it to them

instead of the person you are talking about. That could be it. You don't want to appearance shame anybody, but the picture of this lady looks like she's drawn her own face on in crayon. It does a bit, but you know what? I felt concerned for the teenagers receiving this, right? because you've got a lot of issues and insecurities when you're a teenager what you do not need is to be sent a deep fake of yourself where you may look

better and like as a fake person it's like wow who's that goddess drinking by the shore it's not me teenagers don't need that also, if she's getting everyone kicked off the squad except her daughter, then she's going to be cheering alone. Like, who's going to catch her when she's thrown in the air? It's going to be sad. When there was only one set of footprints on the sand, that was because your mother had scared off

all your friends. Yeah, because that was the story, wasn't it? Apparently, didn't the police say that the reason they think that it happened was because like uh she was told the mother that like people didn't want to hang out with her daughter so it's kind of like next level weird it's like because then it sort of felt really sad that ending to the story is like it's basically the question is what length should a mother go to to defend her daughter's honor like should she deep fake drinking at the shore like is that the length she should go to?

When you put it like that. When you put it like that, it's still a deeply upsetting way to react. What you're meant to do is say, oh, sweetheart, and take your daughter out for ice cream. That's the correct level of parental response, I feel. My mother would have definitely blamed me for whatever this was. My grandmother would threaten violent and graphic vengeance on people who are mean

to me at school. Come to think of it. But I don't think she would necessarily have exacted it. It was all about sort of kicking them over the harbour bridge and... Wow. Amazing. Would she have made like a cheer for that? Like a really aggressive violent cheer? Like that would have been brilliant.

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Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided,

corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com. This is our medical section.

Now we're talking all the medical news, the latest, glossiest, fanciest medical news, as you'll often find in a Sunday magazine. Scientists have begun to lay plans for repopulation in space, beginning with a sperm bank on the moon. They have shot some jizz into space because what else are they going to do with these extremely phallic rockets?

Well, they haven't shot jizz into space yet, have they? They've just presented a paper at a conference about how they would like to shoot jizz into space. I guarantee you someone's already shot jizz in space. Elon Musk has jizzed in space. Yep, 100%. Now, they're planning an arc. Essentially, they're planning an arc by hoping to cryogenically preserve

both human and other species' bits and pieces in the event of a global disaster, which is sort of, you know, it's the way of the future, really, the billionaires planning for a future in which they inevitably destroy the world rather than in any way trying to stop destroying the world. Yeah, we had Noah's Ark, now we have his wet dream as well. I'm quite happy. I think Orchid should be sent to the moon, Yeah, we had Noah's Ark now we have his wet dream as well. I'm quite happy. I think

Orges should be sent to the moon but like I think that's where just the lungs floating around not on bodies. Like I just think like it feels safer that way. If it's slowed down there's a chance to avoid it coming towards you isn't there? If you're planning to repopulate

from scratch on a hostile landmass as the moon is, you're going to have to go quite a way to make it feasible to birth all of these Earth creatures again. And by that point, wouldn't you think, well, humans absolutely f***ed it on Earth. Let's not bring them back. Just let the moon be the moon, I feel. I feel like the moon is fine. It doesn't need to be covered in covered in jizz

yeah it's like it's kind of nice isn't it it does take the edge off when you look up at the moon what can you see in the moon can you see et can you see a face no it's just loads of jizz I don't want to add that to the options of stuff you can see in the moon what do you see in the moon Helen well now you've put it in my mind I can only see a massive lump of jizz so thank you very much charlie i've ruined it i have significant logistical questions about this but as a language person one of them is how are they going to label all the jizz because it's it's humans and various different creatures and if you've had this apocalypse and you don't have anyone carrying on the languages and you expect people to use it, how will they know whether it's like human jizz, leopard jizz,

what they're supposed to do with it? Are they sending different animal jizzes? Is that what they're doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. That's changed the game for me. That's insane. Oh, now you're in for it.

Yeah. Now you're like, yeah, get me that arc of jizz. Leopard jizz. Two by two leopard jizz. Sign me up. And in other incredibly disturbing science news, this is one of my favourite types of story, which is the science research that you sort of wonder

which scientist goes into this area. Cultured tear ducts have been made to cry in a lab. They've figured out how to make these little artificial tear ducts have been made to cry in a lab. They've figured out how to make these little artificial tear ducts cry in a lab as tiny what they call little organoids. Helen, you've wept in a river. What's happening here? Very exciting actually. When I thought, what is this? Are they just trying to reflect all of our priorities at the moment?

And if our own body's crying capacity is not enough now we can outsource it as well but yeah they've um they've sort of made miniature tear ducts and the idea is that if you have disorders that cause dry eyes they may be able to implant those and i thought okay yeah because my eldest brother rick cannot cry um he he uh got an eye infection and they gave him eye drops that dried up his tear ducts and he cannot cry or at least that's the story I think it's also because we did not grow up in an emotionally expressive environment

and this is a useful cover but he was like you know sometimes it would be really great to have a good cry and also you know the practical problems of having a very dry eyeball. I wonder what they did to provoke these little tissue samples into crying, like whether they just read them the bit of Little Women where Beth nearly dies. Yeah.

Or the bit of Good Wives where she does die. Oh, dear. Or any, I mean, any bit at the end of any movie where the music swells. I cried at the Pokemon movie and I didn't even watch or know anything about Pokemon. I took my little cousins there back in the day and they were into Pokemon, but I was the one who was crying. That's so sweet. I don't know much about Pokemon either, but I'm a wet cheeked fan all the way.

I love a good cry. I think it gets a lot out. And I'll cry like a beautiful beautiful falling leaf the face of a child this is why people move me away from their kids because I'll just be like you're just so young you've got it all ahead of you but yeah maybe they did that with the tears

Do any of you watch Great Pottery Throwdown? It's just an incredibly pure display of crying on television and I really think there should be more of it and if it takes fake tear ducts to do it, fine. And now a pop-out Grammys fashion special, which it turns out that if you put me in lockdown for a year, I don't know any of the popular music that's happening. But well done, Megan Thee Stallion and Billie Eilish and Beyoncé also.

And all of those are names that I fully recognise and not just from reading news headlines. And now it's time for your reviews of the week. Charlie George, have you brought in anything to review? Yes, I have reviewed caring about yourself without having a bath. I give it five stars. Basically, I thought I was at risk of drowning in the first lockdown because I was having so many baths. So I thought, do you know what? I'm going to try caring about myself without having a bath.

And it's amazing. You get to stay dry and feel good. You don't have to concern yourself, whether that's your hair or your housemate's hair floating towards you. You don't have to buy a bomb. Okay, it is a bath bomb, but it's still a kind of weaponry, isn't it? And it means that you might have to go to Lush and besmell that. You don't have to pull the plug on feeling good. And you can sink into the fact that you are 60%

water anyway. The whole of your life is kind of a bath. Yeah, that's my review of loving yourself and caring for yourself without having a bath, guys. I am going to give five stars to keeping a jar of Sichuan peppercorns in the same cupboard that you keep the mugs in so that every time you open that cupboard to get a mug, get a great whiff of Sichuan peppercorns and it makes you feel alive.

Even though one of their main traits is numbness, but not emotional numbness. They're a wonderful spice anyway, very, I hadn't actually owned any until the start of lockdown so that's been a boon but you know the secondary effect of keeping them with the mugs I cannot recommend highly enough

get the green ones, if you want the really numbing shit, yeah the green Sichuan peppercorns or the green mugs green Sichuan peppercorns to match your green mugs. And it's only a matter of time before you make a green Sichuan peppercorn tea. That's a good idea. It's a terrible idea. I'm going to try.

Now we get to story number three, our lockdown hobbies section. You are both in the UK and you have been in real lockdown, not my sort of Australian proxy lockdown, which is where we're not in lockdown, but I don't like talking to people. This is to do with pickleball, which is not as gross as it sounds. It's not as graphic as it sounds. This is one of America's fastest growing sports. It's called pickleball and it's sort of a mashup of tennis, badminton and ping pong.

You're very into sport, Helen. What's happening here? Well, I think it's that people need something in their lives, Alice, and pickleball is a funny word, so you would choose it over tennis, wouldn't you? Apparently it's very popular amongst Generation Z, so I'm glad they get something other than climate catastrophe to enjoy. I mean, this is like a new era for inventing sports. Not only is breakdancing now part of the Tokyo Olympics,

but they've got FOLF, which is frisbee, golf and pickleball. There's a revolution in sports. I don't know if I can really tolerate this, Helen. I've reached the limit just watching the Olympics of sports that I know nothing about but can have opinions on. Have you ever watched the logging games? Those are amazing. It's an incredible display of lumberjack skills

and lumberjack athleticism plus danger because you could quite easily cut yourself in half doing it. Yeah, I get very stressed out by dangerous sports in that way i get sort of sympathetic uh front of thigh queasiness i feel most of my empathy in the front of my thighs i don't know if you get that too but my i sort of feel nauseated through my pelvis and it's um it's a deeply upsetting feeling charlie george have you played pickleball no i haven't but i've looked at pictures of it and I think it's nuts I think it's like I'm like is this even a thing you know when people like smush everything together because like you're kind of holding this weird sort of paddleboard thing that's like it's got a mirror on it I think and I'm like what is that for is that to

is that to sort your hair out in between like I don't understand and then the ball is like a like I guess it's called a pickle but it's not not really, it doesn't look like a pickle. It's just got holes in it, which I guess mean that there's sort of flat bits and smooth bits. It just sort of feels like table tennis, but like with slightly different implements. Like, yeah, I'm not, I don't get it. I think they should put brine in there.

They should actually, if they're going to go pickle, like go full pickle, involve the brine, involve like all the best things about having pickles which pickled onion you know slimy like a slimy slippery game might make it more fun or interesting in my opinion but i know i haven't played it yeah boringly i don't think it is anything to do with pickles which is very disappointing because that is the well 80 of the appeal of this sport over the other racket sports with like comical looking equipment. Yeah, I think instead of getting into pickleball, what we need to do is rename old sports more exciting things. You know, instead of the hurdles, it should be running away and jumping over things or fast fleeing. I think that squash, right, this is my only contribution.

I think that squash, right, this is my only contribution, I think that squash is violent, okay, and I still am traumatised by experiencing games like squash. I think squash is played by people who need to be prevented from committing murder. Like, that's my... I had a relative who lost an eye playing squash, but he was already blind in that eye from shrapnel from the war. So it wasn't that much of a loss.

He didn't see it coming. Oh, my God. Yeah, so it wasn't that much of a loss. He didn't see it coming. Oh my god. So it shouldn't be called squash because again squash sounds like squishy, soft, fun. It's an incredibly hard sport. I think the renaming, I'm all for it. Destructible or something. Smash. More like smash.

Our last story for this week is animals being where they should not be. This section begins with a loose walrus. Walrus has been spotted in Ireland, in Valentia Island, and it's an extremely unusual situation. This is either in a very adventurous or a very lost walrus, and it's also in Ireland, which means that the social media responses are delightful a grade

a1 very beautiful and lyrical responses Helen Zaltzman you have met a walrus once haven't you not a living one there's a stuffed walrus in a museum near to where I live that is famous for being hugely overstuffed because they do have quite baggy skin and instead the Victorian taxidermists were like, put it all in! And so it's just this huge balloon of a walrus. I love that, taxidermy. It's incredible. Just really the quotes out of this story

are the things that are making me the happiest. Mr Houlihan, who saw it with his daughter, they were walking down the beach near the lighthouse. He said, he breached out of the water onto the rocks and gave us a bit of a show, which I feel is the most delightful way to describe a walrus sighting. A show? What did it do? It's lush, isn't it?

Didn't it say that it flipped the bird at them? Isn't that something that it looked like he was giving us the birdie? And then I suddenly had like a crisis of confidence that I knew what the birdie was. And so I was just like, okay, so is it like, did it look like it was swearing or was it moving its flipper but I just yeah I loved imagining what that looked like well at home so they think it might have fallen asleep on an iceberg in the arctic and woken up off the coast of Kerry ready for a caper which has got to be startling that is almost as

I got on a tram in Sydney city uh from the ferry uh in a circular key and a pigeon got on a tram in Sydney City from the ferry in Circular Quay and a pigeon got on the tram at the same time as I did on the light rail and the tram went all the way through to Chinatown before the pigeon figured out how to get out the door. And I feel like that is a... It was a very confused pigeon walking up and down the tram. It looked, if not distressed, certainly disoriented. Maybe it was going to Chinatown.

Yeah. I mean, there are worse places to get snacks. I mean, you don't want to be down at the, I mean, I don't know, this is just Sydney's specific local knowledge, but you don't want to be down at the wharves at this time in these unprecedented times. There's no tourists dropping chips there anymore. There's still locals down in Chinatown dropping chips.

So I feel if you're a pigeon, Chinatown is the place to be. You don't want to be in the dead zone. That's all lawyer turf. That's all CBD lawyer turf, and they're all working from home right now anyway. So all the cultures. It could have been a wise commuter pigeon. It's like I now have to travel for the chips,

so that's what I'm going to do, getting on the train. Yeah, can't be arsed to fly. I would never underestimate a pigeon. If you think about it, most other animals haven't figured out how to live in cities. They've either been eaten or they've f***ed off or they've died. I've got a lot of respect for a pigeon. They've already figured out how to populate the moon.

I have to say another thing that I loved about the walrus article was like did you hear what the i think i think i can't remember if it was the dad or the girl who said it but i've confirmed he is a walrus and not a seal with a toothache which i was just like at what point were you concerned that like that might like is that what a walrus might look like or like a seal that's just got like a really sore, just one sore massive tooth. Because don't walruses have like, they have the big fangs, right? Tusks. Tusks, okay.

Yes, for like penetrating shellfish. Also, if you have a toothache, it doesn't mean your tooth grows a foot long. Yeah. You feel like Pinocchio and your teeth are lying. Yeah, they've given away how long it's been since they went to the dentist, aren't they? In my experience. Granted, I'm not a pinniped, so it may not work on the human system.

In other Animals Out of Place news, a giant pig is now living in a house after it was sold originally as a micro-pig, which turned out to be a lie to a family that then realised it could not cope with a non-micro pig.

To be fair, it's not a giant pig. It's just a pig. It is just a pig. But this is, I mean, pigs are quite big. I feel like all pigs are giant pigs, if what you're expecting is a micro pig. This pig weighs 20 stone, which is about the size that a pig ought to be if it's well fed and it's healthy but it is not the kind of thing that you can put on your instagram as a kind of a delightful little accessory it was adopted by morag zangster and her husband john ryan who have been collecting failed micro pigs which is apparently a thing it's just so funny failed they succeeded too much i know just imagine that it's like you're looking at Instagram and then you're holding it against your pig and you're like, is this to scale? I just don't. This is the thing.

Selling micro pigs, you can make a profit of more than 700 pounds on an ordinary pig. And it's very difficult to tell the difference between a micro pig piglet and just a piglet, I think, or a fully grown micro pig and a piglet. I'm not sure what either of those look like or just a tilt shifted uh Instagram picture yeah I feel like just don't buy a pig online is probably the solution to this problem yeah isn't it like the 15 year old daughter bought bought something from Instagram and it turns out it's not what it was meant to be and you're like oh okay like that that makes sense but like it must it still must be a bit of a shock though like you get something and then it like it's just continually growing like what what I like is that

they were kind of quite sweet about it but like it did end up insane it doesn't have its own duvet and like it now sleeps in the room with her like I thought I was gonna have a little friend and now I've got a new massive 20 stonestone best friend that eats all the time. Well, this is the sad story, was that the family who bought it from Instagram didn't want to keep it because it started crying all the time. Also, pigs get lonely, so having a solo pig, it would be upset. The most fascinating thing for me from that story, and it's so small and so stupid, was that pigs can't jump,

and I didn't know that. I mean, obviously, if you're a 20-stone pig, it must be quite difficult, but that was a fact that I did not have before, that pigs can't jump and I didn't know that I mean obviously if you're a 20 stone pig it must be quite difficult but that was a fact that I did not have before that pigs could have jumped because I imagine them going over sties like why is this just is this children's books the children books are lying to me they can fly but not jump my dad's favorite bedside story for us was about Sally the pig who would always escape from her sty. So I feel like I've been fed a diet of lies and have grown far bigger than I was meant to on that nutrition. Tokyo Olympics organising committee are losing jobs like dominoes after taking all medals in

the foot in mouth race. The creative chief of the Tokyo Olympics has been forced to quit after suggesting that a female comedian be lowered into the stadium dressed as a pig. This is one of the most depressing stories after the one where the other Tokyo organiser said that women should keep their mouth shut. I feel like these people are being hired to organise the Tokyo Olympics but they don't seem to know how to do talking out loud very well. We've all lost social skills over the last year. Charlie, George, have you been following

this story? Yeah, but it freaks me out that like, yeah, you could at no point like have that have that moment where you're like, this isn't the right thing to say. There's no kind of connection there. I don't know what's been going on in their their minds about that stuff i just think she should be able to pick whatever crazy animal she wants i mean if she wanted to be dressed as a pig then that's great like my niece is obsessed with pigs we've been talking about micro pigs i think pigs are a really great animal yeah but it's like she should be able to choose whatever animal she is and it's like it's the association isn't it with like her um her looks that had this kind of negative connotation to it.

And there seems to be a lot of this stuff coming from these leaders where it's like they haven't really learned how to treat women properly. I mean, where have they got that from? All of culture. Helen, have you been following this story? Helen, have you been following this story? Well, in my roundup of misogyny news that I get delivered to me many times a day directly into my brain. I mean, this is a very famous comedian. It's, you know, a really major Japanese celeb who has great style. So, yes, I would just be like, what do you want to wear to be lowered into the stadium? That is a good plan, Charlie.

Well, it's also, you know, that she's not just a comedian and and a famous comedian she's also the spearhead of a body positivity movement she's sort of her entire uh sort of public figure is about uh not not this yeah raising awareness of not this she's got her own clothing line which i think isn't it is called i don't know how to pronounce it punyus and it's loosely translated to chubby so it's kind of like owning that stuff and it's like why wouldn't she just come in in some of her own like badass clothes and like show off her clothing line like surely that's like the ultimate ad but yeah it's the leaders and the organizers that you're like what get rid of them put her in charge of the Japanese Olympics. Yes. That would be festive.

And that brings us to the end of the magazine. We're flipping through the classified ads at the end. Helen, have you got anything to plug? Yes, I make three podcasts, Answer Me This, The Illusionist, and Veronica Marr's Investigations. And on The Illusionist, I recently did an episode which was dissecting public apologies, which is very interesting. Strongly recommend because it is hard to apologise

and publicly, even more dog shit. I have listened to that episode and I second that recommendation. I would put it in the reviews section with a solid five stars. Let's flip past this lawnmower ad and get to Charlie George. Have you got anything to plug? Yes, I would like to plug my social media account. You can buy me a coffee, if you like, on buymeacoffee.com forward slash Charlie George. And my Twitter is at CGDoesComedy.

And my Instagram and Facebook are at CharlieGeorgeComedy. comedy and my instagram and facebook are at charlie george comedy and i will be doing the melbourne international comedy festival from the 2nd of april to the 18th of april tickets are available now uh if you are not in melbourne i will be at the sydney comedy festival after that and if you're in neither of those places join my patreon patreon.com slash alice frazer where i will be streaming those shows or at least some of them to my Patreon supporters as well as doing my weekly Tea with Alice salons. We also have a monthly show, The Last

Post, which was originally a daily show and is now monthly so if you're not subscribed to that, please go over and subscribe to that now. This is a Bugle Podcasts and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter, your producer is Chris Skinner. And I'll talk to you again next week.