The Gargle - Oscars slap | Bum tattoo | Seagull war

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

Alison Spittle and Neil Delamere join host Alice Fraser for episode 55 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!✋ The Oscars slap👰🏻 Wedding cosplay�...� Bum tattoo🐦 Seagull war🍰 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels
Starting point is 00:00:22 or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.
Starting point is 00:00:49 Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.
Starting point is 00:01:20 Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. singing just for you. But you're both engaged to other people. Also, you're both wedding planners and you're planning each other's weddings. If anything were to happen, you wouldn't just be breaking two hearts, you'd be breaking two contracts. But everything's changed now. You can't pretend it hasn't. The day arrives at last and instead of two weddings, the guests find only one. You're doing it. You're going to marry each other. To hell with your commitments. No refunds. But as the ring slides down your finger, you realise you've made a terrible mistake. Your true love isn't rattling off wedding vows.
Starting point is 00:02:08 Your true love isn't even at this wedding. Your true love is the gargle. From Sonic Watsi Magazine to the Bugles Audio Newspaper for the Usual World, welcome to this audio magazine. All of the news, none of the politics. I'm your host, Alice Fraser. Your guest editors for this week's edition of the podcast are Neil Delamere and Alison Spittel. Welcome.
Starting point is 00:02:26 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, thank you so much for having me, Alice. Great to be on with Neil again. Alison, you have your own sound effect introduction that you did there that was amazing. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yes, yes. It's like, you know the way producers of songs have like, red one. This is me introducing myself on a podcast with my own sound effect I think that was magnificent
Starting point is 00:02:47 I think you should have it in real life I think you should be like Miss Alison Spittel of Moat County B when you walk into a room
Starting point is 00:02:53 and a guy like in red livery and an old horn just announces you everywhere I'd love that I would love that like my coming
Starting point is 00:03:00 to America yeah that would be great but also like an air horn quite an aggressive combination into America, yeah that would be great. Yeah but also like an air horn. Quite an aggressive combination of the modern and the ancient together. That's how she arrives to everything. She rocks up in a car that's bouncing and then she presses the horn.
Starting point is 00:03:17 And it goes da da da da da da da. Alice's Metal! Well we're going to clasp each other's hips and dance merrily into the body of this week's magazine. But first, let's have a look at the front cover. This week, the front cover is an Oscars award looking sad as everyone ignores it to focus on Will Smith getting his slap on. And the headlines are the other side of the Oscars. Apparently, there was some sort of awards. and the headlines are, the other side of the Oscars,
Starting point is 00:03:44 apparently there was some sort of awards. And the new diet that's turning heads, keep these names out your f***ing mouth. There's been too many takes. Would you agree? Like, genuinely, there's a part of me that goes, oh yeah, Will Smith should be ashamed of himself but like um every
Starting point is 00:04:06 wedding i've been to someone has done a will smith do you know what i mean where like uh no neil is that not normal for you no i'm just thinking that the chances of every wedding you've ever been at jada pickett smith to be at them it's just remarkable i move in great circles you really do it's it's the introductory horn i think yeah it is it is definitely the introductory horn that sounds like a one-night stand or something that was the original table name for tinder but they decided to yeah it was it was a particularly raucous dance in our school this is where you go for it. Yeah, the introductory horn is like
Starting point is 00:04:46 what some man can be arrested for on the train or something. It was just an introductory horn. Hong Kong. No. I just put it out there and let the universe decide how to react. I think that's what flashers do, don't they? Generally, they're just too open with the world, aren't they?
Starting point is 00:05:02 Yeah, I don't know. My take is uh very ambivalent it changes all the time i'm i like i don't think that was a bad joke that chris rock did i thought it was quite complimentary g.i.j and is beautiful yeah there are more horrible alopecia jokes that you know that i that could have come out of chris rock's mouth and i think he thought he was doing a softball by comparing a very beautiful woman to another very beautiful woman with a similar haircut.
Starting point is 00:05:30 I think so too. I believe when he says he didn't know about the alopecia. Also, he doesn't write jokes. Come on, he's writing for the Oscars. He's got a team of like 10 people writing jokes. Yeah. Somebody said what they would have liked to have seen is just in terms of not
Starting point is 00:05:46 the morals of this just the sheer spectacle of if chris rock unbeknownst to will smith had done a boxing film and will smith goes and he just slips the punch and decks him just in terms of the outcome of that it would have been absolutely amazing the skinny older dude just lamps will smith and goes you didn't expect that, did you? Just lords over his body. Genuinely, I think that happened in Ireland, though. I think there was an Irish comedian, I'm not going to name him, but he used to be a boxer and he was doing stand-up.
Starting point is 00:06:15 And some drunk guy got up to give him a slap. And that drunk guy went to sleep for a few seconds. I don't know how, but he just was unconscious. So there is that thing of like, especially comedians are getting fitter and fitter these days and angrier, you know? I would be wary about punching out a comedian. It's not like the old days.
Starting point is 00:06:38 Well, let's not be every other single podcast that's happening at the moment. I feel like all podcasts obligatorily have to mention the slap but let's move on the satirical cartoon for this week is a ukrainian fighter in a tuxedo slapping a russian tank while his friend films it caption do they care about us now and now we get into our cosplay section this week uh jamie lee curtis actor and name hoarder has announced that not only will she be officiating her daughter's wedding, she'll be doing it dressed as
Starting point is 00:07:07 Jaina Proudmoore, a character from the video game World of Warcraft. The most powerful human sorceress alive, Jamie Lee Curtis, invented two new kinds of nappy. That's true. Did you know that? Although the patent for one of them has expired, so hands on nappies everybody. This is genuine.
Starting point is 00:07:24 This is not like a this is genuine rumors or anything like that no this is a legitimate this is a legitimate pursuit of jamie lee curtis when she's not acting her pants off um she's acting baby's pants on wow you would have thought that like thousands of years of human civilization would have brought us to peak nappy i wouldn't have thought that we could get to modifications, but Jamie Lee Curtis has squared that circle. I mean, she's thought inside the box, outside the box. All of the things that a nappy can be in or outside a box. Those are the only two things a nappy can be.
Starting point is 00:07:57 It's really the only two things anything can be if you put things in a certain way. Never go in Dragon's Den, Alice. Never go in Dragon's Den. Just walking upstairs, throwing a box of nappies at Dragon's Den, Alice. Never go in Dragon's Den. Walking upstairs, throwing a box of nappies at them, going, listen, it's in the box or out of the box. You f***ing decide. I'm not here to babysit you.
Starting point is 00:08:12 I have a child. That's why I'm designing a new nappy. Well, Neil Delamere, you have the beard of a man who might play World of Warcraft. Can you unpack this story for us? Well, the first thing I thought about when I saw this story is that Alison, so she's officiating at her daughter's wedding, and that Alison and I were raised in very traditional Catholic Ireland. So if one of your parents was officiating your wedding,
Starting point is 00:08:34 that would be the talk of the town. Wouldn't it, Alison? It would be the talk of the town. You'd be standing there going, continue, Father Brennan, because it's not like father, like son. I'm not afraid of commitment. W wink wink wink wink but um she dressed as somebody from world of warcraft and i'm hoping that because her daughter's into cosplay as well i'm hoping that there's loads of cosplay all over the place i would like somebody to be dressed as frodo and then when the when somebody brings the rings out he just grabs them and then destroys them by
Starting point is 00:09:04 throwing them into a lava lamp. But they're getting married, I think, in her backyard, which is the ultimate kind of wealthy Californian thing to do, I think. I don't think anybody does that in England or Ireland. I don't know about Australia, where you would have a magnificent kind of maybe outback ranch, but nobody does it here.
Starting point is 00:09:22 Nobody does it in suburbia. Nobody goes, Mary, stand over by the green wheelie bin there because I want to get the fake plastic grass in the background. Your father and I was going to stand with one foot in the paddling pool and one foot on the goalpost.
Starting point is 00:09:35 It's going to look amazing for the pictures. It's a very American thing to do. It's incredibly American. It also feels like essentially weddings are cosplay though. To that like jamie lee curtis is doing cosplay at a wedding aren't we all cosplaying when we go to a wedding my mammy wants me to get married so hard because she wants to wear a fascinator essentially and i'm like mammy you can wear a fascinator any day of the week love do you know wear a fancy hat it's just
Starting point is 00:10:01 a tiny hat it's just not enough of a hat yeah yeah it's what a fascinator is just not enough of a hat that's exactly it that's exactly it it's like a peninsula of hats you know what i mean it's not quite a an island not quite land it's just there so interesting you were saying about like cosplaying and computer games and stuff like they're into computer games and i think they're missing a trick here with who Jamie Lee Curtis should be cosplaying as. I think Sonic the Hedgehog. I mean, the rings are there, you know. You drop the ring, she's going to pick it up straight away.
Starting point is 00:10:32 Zoom, you know, she's got it. And then you just hit her. I just think this is a bit rich. I mean, it's a bit rich in that they're having their fabulous wedding in their backyard, but I mean, I think it's a bit rich to ask your mum to work on your wedding day. No, they love it. Because her job is dressing up as other people mami's love doing the extra bit you know that
Starting point is 00:10:52 that you can go are you okay mom they're like no no i'm fine i live to serve i live to serve and this is here you're just giving mommy that extra bit to do actually i've become way more disobliging since i had a baby are you confusing your mother with the new york police force i live to serve and if any of you get out of the line you're going i know look they're both very good at smelling weed like a very small amount of it you know they both i get stopped and searched by my mommy like i was stopped my mother used to carry her wooden spoon in the holster
Starting point is 00:11:25 she was hardcore she was like yeah she was like she'd take it out and it would be like Zorro
Starting point is 00:11:33 the first bit of back chat boom bang bang bang back in the holster and there'd be a big M on your chest for mammy that's true no messing around
Starting point is 00:11:41 Neil maybe we should explain as Irish people we all had quite violent childhoods yeah but I mean we're grand we are perfectly fine
Starting point is 00:11:51 we're grand very good at attracting foreign direct investment that's the main thing that we do very well yeah the spatula
Starting point is 00:12:00 industry are very you're into cosplay though really kind of Alison aren't you because I've seen you dress up as film characters with, you know, watching films, film-alongs, shall we say.
Starting point is 00:12:10 Yeah, yeah, I dressed up as Miss Trunchbull. That's when I realised that buns suit me. Like, that woman, isn't it? Miss Trunchbull from Matilda, the headmaster. A horrible child abuser in this story, but incredible looks that woman was serving. She's a fashion icon. She really is.
Starting point is 00:12:30 Oh, yeah, villains have got all the best looks. Best tailoring goes to villains. They really do, don't they? That's why, like, Karl Lagerfeld was such a stylish man, but yet so horrible, you know? Never be a defence attorney, Alison. Like, I'm not sure if that's proper mitigation you could go listen i mean it was a lot of war crimes i'll be honest with you but i mean
Starting point is 00:12:53 look at his suit look how sharp that is look at him serve look at him serve he may have really slayed a lot of people but has he not slayed us with that incredible suit as well? Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. Do you want to open that package but your mouth is full? Is that itch too far away to reach with your teeth? Are you sick of the taste of lottery scratchings? Then you need fingernails. Fingernails.
Starting point is 00:13:26 The teeth for your hands. Have you ever imagined having teeth for nails or nails for teeth? Oh. That you have now. I'd take a trip to the manicurist. It would be way worse. I mean, you wouldn't be able to chat for one, do you know? She'd be like, how's your day?
Starting point is 00:13:45 And then you're like, oh, why aren't you? While she's painting your teeth. I mean, you would always be biting your nails as well. Very rude. Teeth for nails would be pretty cool, wouldn't it? Yeah. I mean, Will Smith would give a better slap, wouldn't he? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:58 I mean, that's only one step away from Wolverine at that point, isn't it? The closest I know of teeth to nails is my grandmother who had a bracelet with every single one of her three children's uh childhood teeth um set in gold around it with the dates that they had been lost and the initials of each child so i think i think children have about 20 teeth before you get before you get your adult set so about 60 teeth on a gold charm bracelet what you have to hope for there is that she was patient enough to wait for the last ones to fall out. Like if she was a real collector.
Starting point is 00:14:31 She was a real collector. Like a Pandora. She had like 54 teeth that she was looking at the youngest child going, okay. Trophy collectors, big game hunter. Get the trampoline and the hammer. What's amazing is that both me and Neil have disclosed that in our childhood,
Starting point is 00:14:48 we got beaten with wooden spoons. But yeah, what you've shared, Alice, is far more traumatic, like as a childhood memory. That's a Hannibal Lecter prequel. I mean, ours are charming prologues to Angela's ashes. Yours full on horror. You're sick of waking up well rested? Are you tired of not being able to hang paintings
Starting point is 00:15:09 with your mattress? What's the point of a pillow if it can't stick two pieces of wood together? It's time for a change. It's time for a bed of nails. Bed of nails. Why go to bed if you're not going to get nailed? Do you love the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Do you have no strong feelings about the DC Cinematic Universe?
Starting point is 00:15:28 Did you forget there was a Godzilla Cinematic Universe? Wouldn't it be even better if they were all the same cinematic universe? Introducing the Cinematic Universe Cinematic Universe. It's not art if it's not a sequel. You care too much about your health to drink Kool-Aid. Fizzy drinks are even worse. But your cult needs to drink something if it's going to transcend physical reality. Try half a glass of water.
Starting point is 00:15:56 It's difficult to end everything with it, but you can try. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has the mike tyson ear bite cycling has lance armstrong baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now.
Starting point is 00:16:43 Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. That's all the time we have for our ad section, because now it's time for your reverse Cinderella news. We've all done it. We've gone to Spain. We've met an adult man dressed as a baby.
Starting point is 00:17:09 We've had his name tattooed on our bum. Alison Spittel, can you unpack this story for us? So this is an amazing story. It's about this lady. She's on holiday. I think it's in Magaluf, of course. And she's hunting down the man whose name she got tattooed on her bum. She says, I don't regret my tattoo at all.
Starting point is 00:17:29 I'll never get rid of it either. It's a nice reminder of our girl's trip away. And what's hilarious to me is Kaylee Williams is her name. She got this man's name tattooed on her bum. It's not just his first name. She got the whole lot. It's Daniel Ford. So Daniel Ford has been tattooed on her left bum cheek. just his first name she got the whole lot it's daniel ford so daniel ford has been tattooed on her left bum cheek and it was for 30 quid it was right and now
Starting point is 00:17:51 she's trying to get back in touch with him god gave you two cheeks for a reason if you're gonna get a man's name tattooed on your bum get his phone number and email address on the other side you have the room you have the room what what's amazing to me they actually when i got my first tattoo in newcastle wanda cost very quick it was far i was far too drunk to like i was bleeding through like he really shouldn't have tattooed me this man but he also tattooed a stag party in front of me and everyone had to sign the groom's bum and uh and he got like about 12 names tattooed on his bum so like this man's arse looked like the declaration of independence by the end of it or like one of those tea towels you get from schools where people get to sign stuff and then you you know
Starting point is 00:18:36 it was just too much writing so this lady's gone for a minimalist approach with daniel ford that's not a tattoo that's a petition that is a petition yeah petitioning his fiance if you sign the bum enough it'll pass something yeah i wasn't shocked by this story i i really am rooting for her to meet him i don't know what's gonna happen she's happily married to somebody else and she hasn't decided what she's going to do when she meets him. So either she's looking to get out of her current relationship or she just wants revenge
Starting point is 00:19:10 and she's just going to hunt him down and tattoo her name on his palm. Could you imagine like a romantic comedy with like, you know, Jennifer Lopez is in it. She wakes up with a tattoo of a full name across her arse and has to find the man. Like, this is the setup i would watch this as the romantic comedy it would be beautiful because you know the tropes are gone you can't run through an airport anymore without being shot you know true can't play a boom box
Starting point is 00:19:37 anymore you have to offer someone one earbud which is less grand as a gesture you can't even follow someone around anymore and make big gestures that is stalking so like we have to change the romantic comedy trope and i think this is the first step i mean this is great i do have this image of the two of them i'm what i would like to have happened right they were they were both very drunk when this happened right so there's a very good chance that he doesn't remember her and she doesn't remember him because you didn't see him the next day after you got the tattoo done. So I quite like the idea of them hooking up
Starting point is 00:20:10 years later. They're both single. They get back to her place or his place. They take off their clothes. They start to do what people do and his name is pre-tattooed on her backside.
Starting point is 00:20:26 I think the level of freaking out that would engender in any person would be amazing to watch. This is the story. A friend of mine once went on a first date with a magician, and they got back to her house, and he did a magic trick that involved a card suddenly appearing on the outside of her bedroom window, which means that he had scouted her place out beforehand and stuck a card on the outside of her bedroom window on spec
Starting point is 00:20:51 that he would be invited in. Alice, I can't believe you're telling me that magicians are creepy. This is like destroying my whole outlook on life. I've got nothing against magicians. My only issue with magicians is that they're men who couldn't talk to women who decided that the solution was to trick them better. I don't know. I'd be freaked out if you were named after your dad, Neil.
Starting point is 00:21:15 Do you remember you were talking about the kind of like, you know, if you're named after your dad and then you find this woman with your name on your wrist, you'd be like, I don't know what to think. It would be scary well would you continue as a man i don't know would you can would you just continue and go you certainly couldn't say who's your daddy during the thing you would you would insist on junior would you you'd insist that the junior be part of the tattoo just so we're clear on this. Now it's time for our next segment, which is our reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring something in to review out of five stars.
Starting point is 00:21:52 This week, Neil Delamere, what have you brought in for us? I have been watching The Great British Bake Off because I had recorded and it's available on, I think, all four. And this season is exceptional Jürgen the German is one of my favourite real life people from day one he came out and was smashing it
Starting point is 00:22:13 like day one he was like I have invented a fully functioning electron microscope out of ginger bread in the brandy snap and on the slides they're made of gelatin and the slides has a genuine DNA sample of Mr. Kipling. And then there was these other people were like, I made an apple tart. It was absolutely fantastic.
Starting point is 00:22:32 It's so good because it represents, well, first of all, it's all French, which I didn't realize. Everything is creme patisserie, creme diplomat, and creme gérard d'epardieu baked in a citron Picasso. It's all amazing stuff. And it's all from the, it's all, if you look at these French recipes, they're so advanced. This is from recipe books from the 19th century. And you think, I don't know about you, Alison,
Starting point is 00:22:52 I think like what does a 19th century Irish recipe book say? It says one, find food. Two, have you found food? No, go to America. That's what it says. Three, steal the food. If you have stolen the food, go to Australia. That's basically how it works
Starting point is 00:23:06 and uh it presents this kind of twee version of britishness that everybody around the world even in ireland finds quite comforting because you see a white tent in the english countryside at eight o'clock on channel four and you think oh people are baking whereas you see a white tent on the news from say london you go there's been a murder a very significant murder every time i see a white tent now i think ah rapid antigen testing center oh well that's better than the state pathologist walking out going so i think uh generally speaking great british bake up this year five stars five stars for the great british bake off i watched an episode of the great british bake off when i was in labor generally speaking, Great British Bake Off this year, five stars. Five stars for the Great British Bake Off.
Starting point is 00:23:45 I watched an episode of the Great British Bake Off when I was in labour, so I can second that five-star experience. They take the child out and go, oh, it needs to be proofed more, and then put the child back in. We're not lamination. We're not lamination on this child.
Starting point is 00:24:07 Alison Spittel, what have you brought in for us so I've started to review Covid I got Covid two weeks ago it was shit I slept for a long time one of the big things about Covid is brain fog I couldn't watch anything that required any kind
Starting point is 00:24:23 of fog altogether so i just started watching the formula one reality tv series on netflix amazing it's so funny because i'm watching it and uh you know you're starting to root for these people and then you get to see their family houses and you're like hey they're rich and that's the whole thing about formula one everyone's rich in it so i root for nobody in it there's no true underdogs in Formula 1 they're going to be fine if you don't make it in Formula 1 you'll do hedge funding you'll go into your dad's wine
Starting point is 00:24:52 business you're going to be fine so it was great to watch a reality show they didn't require any brain work altogether and for Covid I'm going to give it 2 stars out of 5 it's a shitty disease but I survived it. And yeah, and for race to this Formula One reality TV show I'm watching,
Starting point is 00:25:12 I'm going to give that two stars as well. Because I need to watch it when I'm not having COVID and we'll see how it is. But the brain fog is still here. This is my belief. You should never recommend a movie that you have seen on a plane because you think it's amazing when you're on a plane that's because you're dehydrated and miserable and bored out of your mind and you'll be grateful to anything never never recommend anything that you enjoyed while you were on a plane or during a breakup those opposed to your just judgment is impaired oh so i shouldn't recommend like a shagging
Starting point is 00:25:44 strangers then like because i do that when i'm on a plane or i'm in a break now it's time for our seagull war section the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun uh presumably to put the good guy with a gun in front of the bad guy is sort of a human shield apparently the principle works equally well for seagulls. For years, St. Mark's Square in Venice has been plagued by seagull thieves. This new breed of gentleman pickpocket is so daring that they've been known disgustingly
Starting point is 00:26:13 to steal food directly from tourists' mouths while they're chewing it, which is only romantic if you're both dogs. Neil de la Mer, you're both dogs. Can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, so it's one of the hotels, specifically in St Mark's Square, they've decided that they're going to give
Starting point is 00:26:30 their patrons orange water pistols and they researched orange because apparently seagulls hate orange and if the seagull sees the water pistol, it will fly away and not plague the patron of the hotel's lives. Now i have a
Starting point is 00:26:47 couple of issues with this first of all i know it's a bit of a stereotype stereotype to say but seagulls certainly are getting getting bigger they're absolutely massive now i remember going to the beach here in dublin when i was a child and you get you get a little whatever ice cream and the seagull come down and grab your ice cream i was at dollyman strand two weeks ago and i was getting an ice cream and i turned around and i saw seagull fly off with the van you just heard the doppler effect of they're massive however if you're the type of seagull that is disturbed by a jet of water type of seagull that is disturbed by a jet of water you're a type of seagull i feel the emphasis should be on the sea and you're annoyed by water from a water pistol i'm not sure that you're the type of aggressive seagull that would steal food from somebody's mouth you know i don't know if
Starting point is 00:27:40 that necessarily works like to look well we get a lot of mosquitoes here as well so what we started doing is throwing blood bags at them oh that really teach them a lesson i mean it's just all sorts of a solution being these water pistols uh for protection against the seagulls when we all know the studies show that the real way to fix the problem is to do something about the socioeconomic conditions the seagulls are living in tough on seagulls tough on the causes of seagulls yeah i think i think you could be right. I mean, I think it's just a plaster. It's just a bandaid over the avian problem. I think you're right,
Starting point is 00:28:10 Alice. But also, Venice is one of the most expensive cities on Earth. If I paid €21 for a club sandwich, there isn't an animal on the planet that would get it off me. An escaped tiger could be roaming St. Mark's Square and people would be like,
Starting point is 00:28:26 he caused the crowds to flee, except one Irish man who shouted at the man-eater, and I quote, this Cornetto was nine euro, I'll eat it and wear it. Like, f*** this. It's not Joe Exotic that you have here. You know, I think I've talked about it before in this podcast,
Starting point is 00:28:40 I am shooting pigeons with a water pistol at the moment. My balcony has been once again uh taken over by pigeons and like uh one of the steps i've got a book i got two self-help books about how to get rid of pigeons wow isn't that mad there's two yeah it's not working on the pigeon so i don't see how it's going to work on the seagulls. Don't you fear escalation? But if you bring a pistol to the pigeon fight, they'll come back with super soakers. And the next thing there's an arms race and everyone's riding around in tanks. The pigeons are trying to take over.
Starting point is 00:29:18 They really are trying to take over. Yeah, they build. They're incredible at building nests. You are resisting the urge for a joke here, Alison. Oh, yeah? The pigeons are taking over. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would mean it was some sort of a...
Starting point is 00:29:34 Anybody? Anybody? Coup. Okay. Coup. I'm saying coup. I'm from Australia where we genuinely had a thing called the emu war, which the emus won. So look that up on Wikipedia if you want something fun to do with your afternoon.
Starting point is 00:29:50 I'm not going to tell you about it. That's not news. So does that mean the emus are through to the final and they play the cards who won the Icelandic-British thing? That's how that works, isn't it? That is how it works. No, they're real emus. Apparently they're really hard to shoot at
Starting point is 00:30:05 because they've got tiny heads. Tiny heads and beautiful mad eyes. And they'll kick your guts out. What a country. What a country. What a country. Well, that's all the time we have for our Seagull War news because we've reached the end of our episode.
Starting point is 00:30:26 Flipping through the ads at the back. Neil Delamere, have you got anything to plug? I'm on tour and I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and I just found out that Alison Spittel was there as well and Alice Fraser. Hopefully she's going to be there and we can share the same room again and we can both forget each other afterwards. Hey, I didn't forget you.
Starting point is 00:30:41 I just didn't have your last name on the tip of my tongue. Oh, OK, all right. And I'm on social at Neil Delamere Comedy. All the rest. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug? Yeah. So I'm bringing over an Edinburgh show. It's not on sale yet.
Starting point is 00:30:54 It's called Wet. And it's about aqua aerobics and violence and the coil. I'm trying to link them all together at the moment, and I got a load of previews coming up, so I got some previews in London, I'm going to Maclanliffe Festival, I'm going to Cambridge Fringe Festival, Hey On Why, Where The Light Gets In, Edinburgh, if you go to my Instagram page, I'll have a full list of where you can find me and my previews, I've also got a podcast called The Alison Spittel Show which is on the Headstuff Network
Starting point is 00:31:27 which is coming back this year and another podcast called Weed of Misfortune which I'm presenting with guest co-hosts at the moment so yeah please come and have a listen to that. I'd like to say thank you to our roving reporters Miss Otis for the seagull water pistol and bomb tattoo stories and Sam Rugg for
Starting point is 00:31:44 additional material to this week's script. I would also like to say I'm Alice Fraser. Find me online at atalitative on Twitter and Instagram. That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. Or look me up on Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser, which is a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs. I am on tour.
Starting point is 00:32:00 I'm currently in Melbourne. I will be in Perth and Sydney. Then I will be in London, elsewhere in the UK, and in Edinburgh with my show Kronos. So that's going to be fun. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner.
Starting point is 00:32:17 I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.