The Gargle - Robot spiders | Grave wang | Dune bible

Episode Date: August 4, 2022

Tiff Stevenson and James Colley join host Alice Fraser for episode 73 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🕷 Robot spiders⚰️ Giant grave wang🏙 Horizontal mirrored skyscraper📔 Dune bible crypto collective💭 Reviews Produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. It's opening night of the Edinburgh Fringe. You've been working on this show for months. No, let's be honest. Since before COVID years. It's the thunderdome of performing arts. Your weapons are sharp. your heart is strong.

You're facing the immensity of competing against 3,000-plus other shows every day for a month. You compete for ticket sales, for the love of the audience, to gather enough scraps to feed your own fragile self-esteem for just one more day. Nothing can distract you from your goal. On the day of opening night, every fragment of your mind and will and joke-writing ability must be bent to one task only, and that task is The Gargle, the only satirical news podcast that steers entirely clear of the iceberg of politics while bringing you the latest news from

technology, beauty, arts, archaeology, sport, animals doing weird shit, and real estate listings. This is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World. I am your host, Alice Fraser, and the guest editors for this week's edition are rolling into the club flinging money around like a Kanye. Tiff Stevenson, hello.

Hi. Yeah, I just threw hot dollars at you as I came into the hotel room. Yeah, why did you heat them up? I just feel it's when you're having money thrown at you, it's nicer for it to just be like at least room temp. And a human weatherboard, James Colley. How are you? I'm feeling the imbalance right now where one of us gets to be a money-flinging Kanye and the other's a weatherboard, not even a nice bit of scrap wood.

No, a bunch of bits of scrap wood pressed together through the force of love. I'm in a hotel room with tiff which is exciting it's exciting i don't think the gargles ever been because we started during the pandemic i don't think i've ever been in the room with one of my guests no we've never gargled at each other no i mean that sounds like a horrible sex tape that no one wants to watch you think no one wants to watch it but if you've learned anything from the internet, it's that someone always wants to watch it. Oh, yeah, we just got a thumbs up from James. Oh, I was responding to a producer query,

but that's also wonderful timing on my part. In just a minute, we will link arms and do the Havana Gila into this week's top stories, but first, let's take a look at the front cover. This week's front cover is a candid shot of dev patel breaking up a fight outside a nightclub in south australia proving that you are correct to have a crush on him correct he's the i think he's the inverse ezra miller at this point dev patel you know dev patel collie do you have a crush on him? Oh of course, but also this was like firstly, congratulations on the complete

Adelaide experience, witnessing a crime in Adelaide it's like the first time you get honked at in New York it's just welcome to the city you're in. The strangest part of this story for me was that Dev Patel lives in Adelaide, like I breezed

past the Adelaide stabbing part. I think it's just nice to make a Londoner feel at home. And I went straight to, he's in Adelaide? He lives in Adelaide? Because every decade, Adelaide gets a celebrity. Last decade, it was Ben Folds. This decade, it's Dev Patel. They are stepping up.

Does he live in Adelaide? Or was he just in Adelaide? He lives in Adelaide. I mean, no one lives in Adelaide. No, I thought he would be? He lives in Adelaide I mean no one lives in Adelaide No I thought he would be there for filming apparently he's lived there for a year which should have been a story every day on Adelaide News

from the day he moved in till now Dev Patel still here I mean this is the thing first of all I thought Adelaide was getting a nuclear nuclear submarine facility that was what that was the big news about what was moving into Adelaide was getting a nuclear submarine facility. That was the big news about what was moving into Adelaide. And they didn't mention that the nuclear submarine facility was Dev Patel. Hold on.

And this wasn't during the Clipsal? No, not during the Clipsal. Is there just like year round argy-bargy? Oh, yes. Am I allowed to say argy-bargy actually? What's the etymology of that phrase? Is it to do with Argentina? I don't think argy-bar yes am i allowed to say argy bargy actually what's the etymology of that phrase is it to do with argentina i don't think argy bargy is racist no it's a it's a classic civil war between argentina and bargetina yeah i think it's yeah argentina it's got to do with the panama canal

and when a when a boat gets stuck and i don't know this week's uh satirical cartoon is a picture of Liz Truss, and that's all. She's a self-satirising entity. Stick her in a room alone with a mirror and she'll sue herself for making a fool of herself. I thought you were going to say it's a picture of her in a pork market. I mean, it could be anywhere, just anywhere. I just feel like Liz Truss is inherently... She's Lady Boris, right? That's why they want her right we're

selling tea to China top story this week dead spider robot news this is the news of the emerging field the horrifyingly emerging from your nightmares field of necrobotics whereby some scientists again let's not ask why have figured out that by blowing air into dead spiders you can make them pick things up like a skill tester like a terrifying horrifying horrifying skill tester yeah that looks like what you get the claw in an arcade yeah that grabs a minion for you yeah except this will make children cry uh james you're a terrifying spider from people's nightmares can you unpack this story well look you can't say this in our pc culture but i am an arachnophobe i just don't like them they

contribute nothing to the economy they should not be allowed to marry i am an arachnophobe and i'm sick of hiding i like being very well researched from this show. I didn't click on this because I did for a second and there was a video and then I tried another article and there was a gif and I don't want either of those in my life at all. So I would like to direct this next comment to the wonderful roving reporter who sent this in. F*** you.

Go f*** yourself. F*** you and everyone associated with you. My thoughts on this are fairly simple. Don't. Do not. F***ing don't. And I don't think that it's enough that we have ethics boards anymore for scientific experiments. I think we need an Eldritch Horror Committee where we have, like, a Stephen King sits there.

You have an M. Night Shyamalan there. Any experiment that seems like something that would happen in the first act of one of their stories, you're not allowed to do that anymore. Sorry, it's not worth it. We have skill testers. We already had skill testers. You just made them worse.

Yeah, I feel like what you need, what you need is a kind of a grant board slash pitch meeting in which if one of these horror writers says yes everyone else says no so if M Night Shyamalan is like oh that gives me an idea you're like oh we're not giving you any money at all but we will green light this project yeah it can go to one or the other I mean necrobiotic I've never even heard the word it just sounds like a 90s band you know like Technotronic

and necrobotic on top of the pops well it's necrobotics like robotics of the dead right it's something you get from drinking your cult I believe you get some necrobiotics it's so upsetting Tiff would you get a skill tester

made out of a dead spider? No, it gets meta-necro when they use a dead spider to grip and then pick up another dead spider. That was a very upsetting moment in the video. You watched the video. You were all brave, unlike James. Yeah, I watched the full thing.

Here's what I think. Female spiders get a bad rap. But years ago, I did a show at the Fringe called Along Came a Spider. And what I learned was some male spiders are very tricksy, right?

As part of the mating ritual, what male spiders do is they get a parcel of food, like a gift for the female spider so they can have sex with her, right? Yeah. You know,

just like watching the kardashians uh so basically they wrap the uh present up in silk with a web you know and deliver it to the female spider but what i found out is uh sometimes they trick the female spider and it's just a bundle of silk with no food parcel inside it and then they have sex and then they leave and then they trick another female spider like an eight-legged tristan thompson boy spiders yes i mean that is the word like as though you weren't already scared enough of spiders slash men yeah there's just a female spider left there going all these eyes i never saw it coming it's just really like i feel this is bad bad for the spider he's making it harder for all other male spiders out there by running

this this game running this scam it's always just the one bad apple yeah the one bad spider one bad spider living in a terrible apple that sounds like a good kid's book in my opinion there has only been one good spider and it was charlotte from charlotte's web and it's not because she wrote wonderful things in the web it's because she f***ing died there are no good spiders are there good spider men there's one but he's he's in a specific neighborhood and it was toby oh hello there's an old australian phrase that alice rowe which is i'm not here to spiders and frankly i would prefer if every one of these scientists was there to the spiders that

would be less disturbing to me be like i'm not going to yuck your yum go for your life just don't bring them back to life your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy and this episode of the podcast is brought to you by americans sitting in the cafe next to you americans sitting in the cafe next to you the podcast you can't turn off they're just so they're just so american all the time and this episode of the podcast is brought to you by the newest, hottest social media app to steal your time and attention and then return them to you in the form of ads for things they think you'll like, bringing you Hotbox. While this week Meta, the Facebook of the internet, reported a 1% decline in their quarterly revenue,

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Calogrenant is a knight of the round table. I'm not even making that up. What? Calogrenant. Calogrenant? That sounds like a brand of oven cleaner. Normally I make up names and they make me laugh. This is a real name of one of the real knights of the round table

if you think the knights of the round table are real and how could they make up a name like that it has to be a real name calogrenant is a knight of the round table astonishingly powerful and rich celebrated by his peers you would think he could forget his difficult childhood as the unloved son of a distant welsh lord's daughter and a billionaire wizard from the future who ignored the prime directive of time travel which is not to f***. Calogrenant was half brought up by gnomes, a shameful secret for a noble knight because of racism. But the past doesn't forget you that quickly

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one could want in a medieval hottie but her translucent skin hides a dark secret she offended a witch in a well and has been condemned to the fate of becoming a tempting niad until freed by true love's first bang yes she's the spirit of a local watercourse and if you get her wet she becomes the elemental force of every middleweight stream and gushes everywhere. When local highwaymen get access to a magical stone that gives them the power to control gnomes, Calogrenand is summoned to deal with the goblin problem. But can he bring himself to attack the people

who gave him the only love he ever knew as a small half-lord, half-time traveller, and who's this mysteriously glistening pale dame with ideas about gnome equality? Find out when you read The Night and the Spring this summer. I just so happen to have a copy of Lamorte Dartha here. And just flicking through trying to find a colloquium. Didn't appear in the glossary, strangely enough. But actually, having looked through this now, this guy can't spell for shit.

This is written by an absolute rube. He can't spell king. King doesn't have a Y in it. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy boxing has the mike tyson ear bite cycling has lance armstrong baseball has its steroid era curling has broom gate it's a story of broken relationships houses divided corporate rivalry and a performance

enhancing broom it was a year i'd like to forget of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. AcastCast.com grandmother you've ever heard um which is 99 year old katarina last name who's decided to top her grave orduna perez yes uh orduna perez who's topped her grave with a huge penis and testicles that weigh nearly 600 pounds tiff you've seen a wang or two in your time can you unpack this story well look it's a woman who knows what she likes and likes

what she knows yeah she's requested it go on top of her grave she's obviously a big fan of the d her family unveiled the completed monument that's my favorite bit that everyone from the family turned up to see this five and a half foot cock and balls weighing nearly 600 pounds wow i mean that is that shows that you've used quality materials as well that shows craftsmanship yeah plaster wang no they didn't put a foam foam dildo on top of her grave we're not going to disrespect this lady she was 99 um it says she wanted to break the paradigm of everything mexican is mexican anti-wang then i think generally the sort of catholic catholic anti which is generally anti-wang then? I think generally they're sort of Catholic, which is generally anti-wang.

Right. Anti-wang. Sounds like an anti-wang. So it says, where things are sometimes hidden because of not having an open mind. Yes, you are correct, Alice. She was always very avant-garde, very forward-thinking about things.

So she always said, in a Mexican sense, that we were vergas or vergar. So it's because there's a Mexican slang word, which means cock, right? Which can either be a compliment or an insult, depending on how you say it. Right. In the same way as somebody showing you their cock can be a compliment or an insult, depending on. In Australia, we've gender flipped it and the C--bomb or if we're using the bleep button this episode can be a very negative thing or conversely the sicker it gets the nicer the person so you

can either be a or a sick and the sickest the fully sick who is someone who you really like yeah yeah that's like that we just make that person prime minister yeah well i mean we are in scotland so you know it is a greeting yes yeah yeah they get insulted if you don't say it here well like in australia if somebody is uh outside a pub and they're calling you champ you have a problem oh you're done yeah if you if you if they're calling you you're at the same bucks night you're having a great time oh so someone comes out and goes yeah what's happening champ yep that means you're gonna have a fight if they call you tiger have a fight big man oh you're in trouble buddy friend any of these terms you're gone terrible terrible times just

because we're in the land down under and everything is upside down what you also have a spunk which is cock related spunk yeah that's jizz yeah but you say he's a spunk yes yeah i mean that's always seen a bit of that's a very 90s thing the spunk he's so hot he's effluent yeah we we now say he's a little puddle of cum what a jizzy dude james would what do you want on your gravestone as your gravestone i think it's nice of her to have like a one of just an average size penis i think that's that's actually quite a nice little monument there um i'm not sure i think this is i found this interesting because um uh donna kata who i believe is a popular musician amongst gen z's did request this um this is this is such a strange thing to me i think the only real winner in this situation is the goths who are planning to f**k on this thing anyway i'm not sure the thing i like about this is i like i like doing the demoracy like wandering around the cemetery and doing the life and death dates if this happened i would assume a big penis has died this was this was where they cut off godzilla's dick

was buried on this spot yeah this is the memorial to when kronos cut off had his dick cut off by zeus right and the oceans and the land came out this is that's that's exactly the kind of thing and and you know what i think as a note on my tombstone, this is the biggest cock we've ever seen. We'll work for my friends and my enemies. That's all the time we have for Giant Gravewang News because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors

to bring in something to review out of five stars. Tiff, what have you brought in for us today? I'm going to review Daydreaming. Because because at school if i didn't like a topic if i liked a topic finished very very quickly uh and then distracted everyone else if i didn't like a topic i would just gaze out the window and i got accused of daydreaming like why are you doing your dreaming in the day dream at night like the rest of us to which i say no i do not want to dream at night because i get a lot of stuff done in my like when i'm daydreaming i'm you know i'm getting stuff done i don't want to be fighting dragons at night that's when i get my beauty sleep do you see what i'm saying yes

night time is for resting i like to dream during the day fight dragons you know win awards i actually actually call it afternoon manifesting that's what I prefer to use as a term so daydreaming I give it 5 out of 5 I've actually been daydreaming for most of this podcast so far just imagining that we're recording it on a hot beach not in a hotel room off a rainy Royal Mile

in Edinburgh but we're all still here I'm glad you didn't dream us away no I haven't dreamt you away we're just doing it somewhere hot and being given pina coladas. That's pretty good. How many out of five? Oh, five out of five. Five out of five.

Solid five out of five for daydreaming. Excellent. James, what have you brought in for us? I'm bringing in contemporary art. I took my daughter around to see, who is eight months old, perfect age for contemporary art. I took her around to the Contemporary Art Museum just so I could say, my kid could have done that to everything everything i've always wanted to do that at the contemporary

art museum and it's not that it's bad art it's that she is a genius it's amazing that the works that she's creating already um my problem it's this whole place builds itself as modern art modern art museum not modern enough a lot of the stuff a couple of years ago a retrospective if i'm going to a modern art museum i want someone building it as i'm there i want them to say be as i get to the back of the museum they should have torn down the first two exhibits and say not modern enough art has changed by now here's the new hotness coming in it feels like everything is too dated i'm saying two stars saudi prince news now a saudi prince intends to build a horizontal skyscraper that will be 170 kilometers long uh and it's it's called the mirror

line so it might also be 170 kilometer long mirror which was going to be in the desert uh james collie can you tell me how this is going to go wrong yes um i've done a lot of lines off of mirror so i am an expert in this uh so it's horizontal skyscraper right it's a horizontal skyscraper called the mirror line that is going to be built except it's not it's just a video with kind of ps3 level graphics that claims they're going to build this thing, which they won't. It's basically like Da Vinci drawing a helicopter and being like, see, the rest is up to you.

This has had a trillion dollars allocated to it, not invested, allocated. And some would say, how do you have that trillion dollars? Is there an industry poisoning the world that you might have gotten a trillion dollars from? Ah, never mind. Build your stupid mirror city. So the idea of this is a 3D city that won't exist. You might as well have uploaded a clip from the fifth element and said, yeah, just make that. They did say it will be as iconic as the pyramids and i believe it will also have about the same

level of human rights observed in its construction apparently it had one big problem the stories point out one problem with this and they specify one problem i have a few others but they have one which is that birds will hit it and that might be the only part of having a giant mirrored structure in the desert that i agree with because that would be very funny to have birds find out we have dropped a mirror size a city the size and shape of a mirror in the middle of a country and just be like oh well this is bullshit well yes i have the similar feelings uh to james but uh he he's saying it will rival the pyramids and i'm like dude you realize that's where people were buried like the pyramids are tombs but i mean he might be in it as a tomb by the time it's finished

because they're saying it's expected to take 50 years to build. I just think, I mean, it's such a terrible idea. I mean, if you want to be able to look at yourself and see your own shame in the reflection of this stupid thing, this folly that you've built, what's going to happen is it's going to be half built and then abandoned. Just built enough for everyone to realise what a terrible mistake it was that they could have seen it happening a million miles off.

And they'll just sink a trillion dollars into the desert and we'll all be sadder for it. Well, he wants to see himself in the mirror. And I'm British, so when we look at ourselves in the mirror in the morning, we apologise. That's how we do it. See, if it was a funhouse mirror,'d be entirely on board if you go uptown you look really quite tall and skinny but if you go downtown you look very short and fat indeed

that's all the time we have for desert mirror news because now it's time for other desert mirror news this is the news that the dune bible crypto collective wants to sell its dune bible if any of you remember this is the story of a DAO or online collective who tried to buy the rights to Dune but instead bought the Dune Bible, which is to say a specific version of Dune, a book, a very beautiful book, but not quite the thing that they thought they were going to buy because they thought they could make a movie off it and then they couldn't because it bumped into copyright issues. now they're trying to get it

off their hands uh tiff stevenson you've read dune can you unpack this story i've watched you that's almost the same um the members of this club yeah i think we've discussed this on the show um i don't know what the club used to be called but they're changing their name to spice club yep a members only group instead of a body within a formal voting structure no one wants to be a member of the spice club after that picture of jerry hallowell with nadine dorries at the weekend just gone um that by the way if you've seen that image it's bad because i think what's going to happen is jerry's going to end up on tiktok dueting with nadine dories and if you watch it you'll have seven days before you die by the ring um it's very much cursed it was one of many crypto daos do we know what that means uh dow's yeah crypto

dow's oh do you say dow's yes like the dow jones cool you say dow's because it's 10x as cool as saying dao so what it says here is uh they hope to maintain the physical condition of the book, find a way to scan and distribute its contents publicly, and produce media similar to Jodorowsky's never-made adaptation of Dune. So far, Spice Club managed the first of these tasks, paying for upkeep with Treasury funds. It's also funded a contest to find stories that could be turned into a TV miniseries. These projects, as well as the Frank Miller NFTs, were put forward by a small core team

and then passed to a vote of people who had purchased Spice tokens. Now it's basically becoming the book. Yes, it is. Across between Dune and, you know, Mad Max Fury Road or something. Yeah, exactly. There's a few people who have all of the money and everyone else is sort of a chump being exploited for their own resources uh james have you have you bought some spice tokens yeah i you know i relate to these people because i also

buy books spend too much money and then ultimately don't open them and regret the whole process. I can't stress enough, I have a copy of Le Morte d'Arthur handy. I like this story because it is the story of Dune itself. Starts great, then it turns out there's a lot of lore and real diminishing returns the more you look into it. It's going to take a long time to sort it all out and it just gets into weird philosophy and economic spaces that just aren't very interesting when there could be a giant worm to ride i mean there is a giant worm to ride and

it's on the grave of this nice old lady in mexico and this is a short episode this week because we're at the edinburgh fringe uh i'm flipping through the ads at the back tiff have you got anything to plug yes i'm here at the edinburgh fringe too'm flipping through the ads at the back. Tiff, have you got anything to plug? Yes, I'm here at the Edinburgh Fringe too. First show tonight. I finish on the 29th. The show's called Sexy Brain. You may see a poster of it if you're up here.

I've already been sent some pics, but it's my head and legs, like a flamingo, your favourite animal, popping out of a gigantic pink brain. And so you should come and see that. That's my main thing I'm plugging all month is Sexy Brain, 8 o'clock. And I think there is a streaming. I think we're streaming it on the 23rd.

I believe you're streaming yours as well. Yes. So on the 23rd, if you're not able to make it to the Fringe and you'd like to watch the live stream, it'll be on the 23rd of August. James, have you got anything to plug? We've just finished up a season of Gruen.

If you are in Australia, you can catch it all on ABC iView. If you're not in Australia, august uh james have you got anything to plug uh we've just finished up a season of gruen if you are in australia you can catch it all on abc iview if you're not in australia you are geo-blocked and since pirating doesn't exist you have no idea how to get that uh for anything from me jam collie.com and also lamorte dartha uh by mall A wonderful collection, if heavily misspelled. You can find me online at at alliterative, A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E on Twitter and Instagram or patreon.com slash alicefraser a one-stop shop full of my stand-up festivals, podcasts and blogs

as well as my weekly Tea with Alice salons. I'm in Edinburgh doing Kronos every night at 9.15 at the Guild of Balloon. Your roving reporters this week are Josh Gamzee, Lockie, Peter Mac L James Corsgadden, V Bloke and Cult of MNTR who all sent in the Robot Spiders news all of you people

sorry, every last one Rod Funk, Anthony West Bo Jacobs, Jeff Spakowski who all sent in the Dick and Balls Grave news and Sam Garwood who sent in the Spice Boys Crypto News. That's a lot of people. If you would like to send us in a story that you think is good, at HelloGogglers on Twitter is the place to send us that in.

I get them through other mediums. If you email them or Patreon me them or any other form, I might use the story, but I will not remember to write your name down, and so you won't get credited as a roving reporter. So tweet us at HelloGogglers if you want your name on this podcast and you have a good story. This is a Bugle podcast in Alistair's production. Your editor is Ped Hunter.

Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Rev tiny revolutions and the gargle wherever you find your podcasts