The Gargle - Salty chopsticks | Phone-in-toilet | Edible daffodils

Episode Date: April 28, 2022

Tom Neenan and James Colley join host Alice Fraser for episode 59 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast - with no politics!🥢 Electric salty chopsticks🚽 Phone-in-toilet rescue🌼 Kids might eat daffodils🎙 Old comedy✈️ Aeroplane noise complaints🌱 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. There was a boy whose name was Jim, whose friends were very good to him. They fed him tea and cakes and jam and slices of delicious ham, and read him stories through and through, and even took him to the zoo. And there it was, the dreadful fate befell him, which I now relate. You know, at least you ought to know, that you are listening to The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world.

I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Neenan and James Colley. Welcome. Hello. Thank you. I really need to get better at introducing the editors separately so that they each have time to say something, rather than just as though you were interchangeable white men. I felt bad that we

didn't synchronise on that, because when you went hello and I went thank you, you're like, ah, I should have tried to do a hello one-fifth up. Oh, harmonising editors, that'd be beautiful. This is what happens when you get too many men in a room, they start barbershopping. Before we slap our sweaty hands on each other's buxom hips and plunge into the conga line that is this week's magazine,

let's first have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week is a time-style, noble face shot of the gargoyle's new owner, non-reclusive billionaire Elon Musk. Yes, didn't make the news, but we were a side deal off the main purchase of Twitter. The headlines read, Long live the king. The king will protect our freedom of speech. The king wants us to criticize him, and I for one believe the king. You can always trust the king to have your best interests at heart. Have you been following this new world that we're about to tweet into?

I think it's exciting. I quite like Elon Musk's products, and I'm glad to finally have one that when I send it off and it's a bit misguided, it doesn't kill someone and catch on fire. My best friend Joseph is a massive fan of Elon Musk, so I've been having to hear him sing his praises all week. And he's sort of talking about how he's taking it to the Saudi billionaires who own pieces of Twitter and I feel like

as against the Saudi billionaires I back Elon Musk but as against me can I be on my side the sympathy I do have for the situation is this is billionaire shit and this is what I want them to be doing like I'll be less morally opposed to billionaires existing in general if more of them were like i like this app it's mine now i feel like that's how being a billionaire should work oh there's no parking here i now own this town and all the cars in it so i can just abandon this car on the street that's how being a billionaire should go yeah true true i feel like if you're not buying twitter you should be buying the ocean or something like that yeah so we could have had

full-on evil geniuses next step the moon and it's going to be a laser but it'll be like a laser hair removal on the moon i love for the people on twitter are sort of saying well what will become of us you sort of think well you can you know sometimes not use twitter and the people on Twitter are sort of saying, well, what will become of us? You sort of think, well, you can, you know, sometimes not use Twitter. And then people on Twitter get very angry with you because they're on Twitter. So, yeah, I'd encourage people to know that. Just think about what life was like back in, what, 2007 before Twitter and how everything was probably better then. And we could all be living in the 2007 utopia again if we just logged off.

It is a good point because everyone's always like, oh, well, he's going to ruin the website. And you're like, at which point was this functioning? At what point were we having a good time on here? It's all been downhill since we had... 140. Characters. Oh, man, I got that wrong the first time.

I'm glad they let us have an edit button now. Thanks, Elon Musk. And I can say a slur. Yay! Japanese inventors, and just to interrupt myself before I get too into the story, is there any pair of words more ripe with promise than the phrase Japanese inventors? Japanese inventors have decided that in order to cut salt from the diet, they needed to invent salt-enhancing chopsticks,

one of which links into a wristband and brings out the salt ions in the food that you're eating with the chopsticks so that food tastes more salty than it is, so you can add less salt to the food, so you're more likely to not have a heart attack. This is a magic wand. In terms of other magic, I would say I would like this to have other options that

you could make food taste saltier or sweeter so i can just serve bland pap at my dinner parties and then conduct a psychedelic flavor experience tom neenan you look like you've used a pair of psychedelic chopsticks before can you unpack this story a bit more i love them i love them food tastes like uh memories if you use psychedelic chopsticks it's so exciting i actually have a fork that makes things taste more salty because um i just haven't cleaned it but it's quite interesting thing this so so it's the chopsticks which make food taste uh i believe it's 1.5 times saltier uh by activating the sodium particles which does pose the question what if you use

the chopsticks to eat salt would the chop with the chopsticks make the salt taste 1.5 times saltier than salt in which case what salty mess are you putting into your mouth because that's going to be you're getting 250 or 150 more salt from your salt um someone has to try this please i need to know how this works i think it breaks the law of entropy i think that would be the death of the universe it's a bit like putting google into google do not eat salt with these chopsticks it's terrifying basically there's from what i understand there is a um sort of a pack on your wrist that you have and it makes the the chopsticks vibrate and that that's what happens because obviously um having too much sodium can lead to heart attacks but this these chopsticks by vibrating

just make it feel like you're constantly having a heart attack which is i guess preferable they're also developing other ideas of with the same technology like one uh i believe they're working on a lickable television which is an answer to a question no one asked i mean my favorite tv show is breaking bad so i can't wait to see finally find out what meth tastes like um which is very exciting yeah it's um good for them i guess for trying to protect people alternatively just develop a taste for less salts which i think is cheaper really yeah that's one of the big problems i have with this firstly very excited to taste jeremy clarkson i think it'll taste like an old prune left out in the sun i i just don't think i've ever met someone who has a lot of salt in their diet and puts the salt on after tasting the meal it's always

salt first and then i'll taste and see if i need more and more salt on that point there's no base element of zero salt. And I think that this would be more effective if you're marketing this as a diet measure. It would be more effective if it worked like the board game operation and just electrocuted me whenever I tried to pick up anything. So it's like Pavlovian dieting.

A lot of salivation, not a lot of consummation, which I assume means eating things, consuming them, and not having sex with the food. But I'm happy for either result. Well, I mean, that's an interesting thing. There was one of those terrible fad diets in the 90s for supermodels who wanted to not eat anything, which was called the chopstick diet. Back before, people knew how to use chopsticks effectively.

It was good for Westerners, you know, that to try and eat non-chopsticky food with chopsticks, like soup and steak, I assume. But that was a real thing. I was wondering about soup with this, because often, like soup is something that often needs a touch of salt in it, but this is the one device that is severely not helpful for that situation. But could I just rest the chopsticks in there and then eat it with a spoon

and i'm constantly getting a little bit of a salt blast or at the least mild electrocution i mean so long as there isn't rice at the bottom of the bowl because if you have chopsticks upright in rice it's considered bad manners oh interesting because it's like incense at a funeral is it because it looks like two fingers up or something no it's like incense at a funeral yes sure it's also like a big two fingers up at you depending on which culture you belong to this is terrible because i've been resting my chopsticks while i flip people off at a funeral that's all the time we have for our tech chopstick news because now it's time for your ads your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy this episode of the podcast is brought

to you by cryptocurrency you're not getting scammed you're investing in the opportunity to scam someone else that's rug pull technology bringing you the gargle today did you know i've just been asked to give a talk on nfts at copenhagen university wow are you going to not give them the talk? Are you just going to give them a receipt of your, give them the invoice for your talk? I'll give them the right to claim that they've seen the talk. Yeah. Even though they definitely have not seen the talk.

And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by me, Alice Fraser. Yes, I've bought ad space on this podcast as you can too. I'm using my ad space to tell you that you can buy ad space, and also to make an announcement. As you know, I'm good friends with a number of famous writers, including self-published romance maven and online bestseller Dancy Lagarde, and it's in my role as patron of the literary arts that I would like to announce the first real,

legitimate Buellverse writing competition, jointly funded by me and Dancy. Previous winners include Hunter s thompson and neil gaiman the prize money will be 12 000 pounds plus and will be provided by me alice fraser in the form of 200 pounds of real money 10 000 pounds of a patented new cryptocurrency backed by pork barreling lagarde sales and the plus is constituted of half a glass of water the details are on my patreon but not behind a paywall so you don't have to subscribe to see them i'm a monster. I'm just too lazy to build a website for it, and I'm literally springing this on Ped and Chris right now. Submissions are due in a month, and they should

constitute any chapter of one of the existing Dancy Lagarde books whose synopses are available in this dimension, but whose full text is not. Email us at hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com if you would like me to read one of your ads on this thing acas powers the world's best podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has theing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget.

Broomgate. was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. Now it's time for rescue news. And a woman has been rescued after falling into the toilet trying to rescue her phone. This is a chain of rescuing that brings only shame to all the families involved.

James Colley, you've leapt into an open toilet before. Can you unpack this story? I did it by choice. I'm talking about Twitter, of course. First off, it's worth saying we're all glad that you're okay alice and thank you for still joining us today this is a loony tune situation okay so a woman dropped her cell phone into the hole of an outhouse on top of a mountain breaks apart the toilet she then uses dog leashes to try and get out which this did not get a mention in the story but i feel is important not only did it not work it also presumably meant there were a few dogs running around just to add to the chaos and then unable to get to use this as

a kind of of a fly fishing line to retrieve her phone she then ties the leashes to herself and tries to descend mission impossible style down into the outhouse the police chief quotes here is it didn't work very well as she fell in which is about as bad as that could go and you have to wonder how many and i'm going say milliseconds, did you have where you thought that would work? I absolutely wouldn't. Also, the police chief understatement, this didn't work very well, when he meant it didn't work at all. What a great deal of public expense and bother.

Didn't work even a little bit. Very much designed to leash dogs and not hoist a fully grown person into an outhouse and then she's trapped in this hell and it appears she's trapped in there for quote 10 to 15 minutes before calling police and you know that is one of the more humble moments in anyone's life 10 to 15 minutes you stand there being like you know, I am going to try and get out one more time. Well, I've made it worse. Well, now I definitely can't admit I've done this. I'm going to try and get out one more time.

Well, it's much, much worse now, but I definitely can't call now. Well, I mean, could she call on her phone or did someone else call on her behalf? Because... Well, someone knocked on the door and she said, I'm in here and they went, oh, sorry, and left. Tom Neenan, have you ever been trapped in a mess of your own making?

Oh, constantly. This is why I really feel for this woman. But the one thing I cannot get on board with is the fact that she would want the phone back. If I drop my phone anywhere near a toilet, I am not just getting a new phone. Just to be sure, I'm changing my number as well. That is a dirty number now. I want nothing to do with it. I mean, yeah, what an amazing thing. Like you say, she used dog leashes to, you know, it does sadly rob us of the opportunity of someone going, oh, this woman's gone missing. Do we have any leads?

And then someone else going, no, we don't have those either, which is a real shame. But yeah, like you were saying, what an absolutely humbling moment for somebody to... I think the bit of the story that I don't understand, which was alluded to, was the fact that she disassembled the toilet seat in order to get down there. I want to know what was involved in that process. I mean, did she just unscrew it or were there sores involved or did she disassemble the toilet seat in the way that like some of my

friends might sort of boastfully say um when they they've just left the loo after a particularly awful bowel movement ago i absolutely disassembled that toilet seat i hope she's okay but you know it's not often that you get to you know revisit your food a day later and then 10 minutes later as well but yeah that that poor woman i i hope she do we know if she's okay like we know that she's out at least but we don't know how how well she's doing it did say like part of the story was uh they strongly suggested that she wash herself immediately afterwards but she chose to leave the area which i can relate to that choice being made absolutely i will i absolutely will but right now i need to get away from any human eyes that have seen this situation i need to never see any of you ever again yeah yeah yeah

i mean because what's she got she's got paper She's got loo paper in order to clean herself up and that's it. And that isn't enough. That isn't enough to make yourself feel sanitary, I think. It's awful. It must be awful, right? You call, you call, it's American, you call 911. You're in this terrible situation and they're like, oh, were you calling me from the toilet? Dude, that's not okay. That's so impolite. I think i just don't know how american outhouses work because when i first saw this and i heard that a woman had sort of fallen into the toilet for a phone i was imagining a like a borrower like stewart little um i wasn't imagining a

fully grown woman because just the idea that uh certainly in the uk falling in falling in your toilet you'd need to be at least like two foot tall or something. Oh, and American toilets have so much water. It's more of a drowning hazard than being stuck in there. So that's all the time we have for our Toilet Rescue News, because now it's time for our reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. This week we begin with Tom Neenan. What have you brought in for us? Certainly. review out of five stars. This week, we begin with Tom Neenan. What have you brought in for us?

Certainly. Today, I've brought into review my memory that this podcast has a review section. So bear with me if you will, because it starts well. It starts with a solid five stars when I receive an email that reminds me that I should be putting together a review section. I'm excited. I'm thinking, what could I do? Maybe I'll review Twitter for Elon Musk, try and drive down the stock value or something. And I'm like, oh, my brain is alight with possibilities. Five stars all around. I'm so excited. Cut to yesterday night, when I'd say my memory that this podcast has a review section dips to, I mean, below one star. If I can give half a star to my memory on this section, that's what it's going for. So what I don't do is sort of give it any thought at all. This continues, this half a star's worth of memory, I think, continues to roughly about,

I'd say about maybe a minute ago, when Alice Fraser, the brilliant Alice Fraser says, now it's time for our review section. And then my memory that this podcast has a review section, one of my favourite sections, I'll be honest, a really fun thing to do, rockets way back up to five stars. But sadly, at that stage, my ability to do anything about it to affect the future in any way is sort of diminished. So then sort of that while my memory of the of the review section is at five stars i'd say my actual review section is going to be compromised to about two and a half stars but um hopefully that's enough for now and so yeah i'd give my memory that this podcast has a review section somewhere in the middle i'm going to

give it three and a half stars overall. And I hope I've covered. You've done remarkably well. Thank you. James Colley, what have you brought in for us? I had a couple of things to review here. The first was I picked up this book on the weekend, which is De Ultimand and Das Meer, which is Ernest Hemingway in his original German, which is just beautiful to read. Herming Strasser, sorry, in his original German, which is Ernest Hemingway in his original German, which is just beautiful to read. Herming Strasser, sorry, in his original German, which is beautiful.

But I want to actually review plants. I've gotten very into buying plants, growing my own vegetables, tending to them. And if you're interested in it, you can go out and get all the supplies. That takes about a weekend, maybe a year of work to get it really going. But then for just $700, $800, you can be saving up to $1.50 a week.

And if you have been looking for the opportunity to kill something with your bare hands, can I interest you in plants? Because no matter how hard you try, you are going to do it and you'll have no one else to blame. So that's plants. Four stars. Now it's time for your floriculture news. This is the news that there's been an absolute massacre of daffodils by Cornwall Council

in this kind of new nanny state, I guess, this new nanny state vibe have destroyed Wordsworth's favourite flower. James Colley, you're the gardener here. Can you unpack this story? Yeah, so this is 1,000 daffodils were cut, which you're right, does sound like something out of just a tedious poem, but 1,000 daffodils were cut to ensure children would not eat them

because, as the Count said, they're poisonous. If eaten, they could give you diarrhoea, which I feel like on that basis they should dig up all the dirt in the park as well and concrete over it because dirt if ingested in large amounts would also not be good for kids and it then creates an interesting precedent by which we can assume everything left inside that playground is now entirely edible. So go nuts, kids. Lick anything you want. It's all fine.

The opposition to this move called it ludicrous. They said, are they going to put up signs next that say, don't eat the daffodils? Although I have to say, as an opposition, that's ludicrous because they've already cut them down. They're just leaving a pile of daffodils handily cut into bite size. I don't think the sign is necessary anymore. And I'm not sure if daffodil eating and reading is necessarily the same age

group that you're aiming for. Also, if there's a sign that says don't eat the daffodils and no daffodils, someone's going to show up and be like, Oh, someone got here first. Someone's already done it. Those daffodils and no daffodils, someone's going to show up and be like, oh, someone got here first. Someone's already done it. Those daffodils must be delicious.

I mean, that's why they paved paradise and put up a parking lot, because the fruit of knowledge was in paradise and they decided that that was not edible. That's a Bible joke. I've read a Bible. Not the Bible, just a Bible. You've read one Bible. Are they all the same i don't know they all

varied i think god put in different like little alterations here and there uh to keep people on their toes is what i've heard yeah it's sometimes it's thou shalt not eat the daffodil sometimes it's thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's daffodil this is the thing i mean was there a rash of children getting rashes from eating flowers in the park or i don't in their defense daffodils look absolutely delicious they are they're part of easter like they're a big easter thing and everything else to do with easter is is brilliant to eat hot cross buns chocolate eggs rabbits you know all really tasty so i would say that um yeah good good like good for them one thing i was wondering what would drive people to um to eat daffodils but then i noticed that the

town council which has done this is called st blaise now listeners i'm doing the i'm doing the toking on a marijuana cigarette movement here uh to suggest that 420 baby everyone had the munchies in St Blaise's town council and the thing they went to was the daffodils to get their fix that's what I think happened I'm doing the calling the police on a cell phone gesture to report this

mimed drug use but I do not approve of it Oh god I'm miming being arrested I'm miming being arrested I mean this is a very heavily mimed podcast Can we get nominated for an award now? Yes please I'm miming being arrested. I'm miming being arrested. I mean, this is a very heavily mime podcast. Can we get nominated for an award now? Yes, please.

Thank you. That's all the time we have for the daffodils because now it's time for our old comedy section. There's been an online debate about whether Steve Martin's song, King Tut, in which he sings King Tut and is dressed up as sort of a cartoon Egyptian, whether that has stood the test of time or whether it's about cultural appropriation or whether it is cultural appropriation, whether it's a silly sketch that is still funny

or it's a silly sketch that is not still funny. There's a lot of people willing to draw metaphorical swords at one another over this. Tom Neenan, what is the first thing you remember finding funny and does it stand up and should it stand up? Okay. Basically, I thought of a fun one because I tried to remember the last time, like a time in primary school that me and my friends absolutely couldn't stop laughing because they're the most fun times. And what I remembered, and this is to do with, I guess, a bit of cultural appropriation, a bit about a song, a bit about other things, is are any of you familiar

with the song Ico Ico, made most famous by the Dixie Cups? So it's a song which has sort of lots of political meaning and is, you know, is incredibly important to a lot of people. When me and my friends heard it, I don't know if you know, the first few lyrics are, my grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire. My grandma told your grandma, I'm going to set your flag on fire.

It's, yeah, it's sort of very heavy with meaning this song. What me and my friends did is just thought it'd be really funny to sing just, my grandma and your grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma, my grandma and your grandma, grandma grandma my grandma and your grandma grandma grandma grandma and then just repeat the word grandma over and over again when we were seven seven or eight it was the funniest thing i think we spent like two lunch times just crying laughing going my

grandma and your grandma grandma grandma grandma and i don't know if that is now either cultural appropriation or inappropriate, but even the memory of it now, I'm like, that was a good two days I think we spent on that song. Also, I'm now going to coin the phrase cultural inappropriation. Yeah. So I feel bad for Steve Martin

because, yeah, if I had had my own television show as a seven-year-old, which I think, here's an idea, just give a random seven-year-old a TV show, I'd love to watch that. I think Netflix is trying that. Yeah, that is true. Yeah.

Then I would have definitely thought that that was like a crown jewel of our comedy and I still kind of do. So I think, yeah, I feel for Steve Martin in this sense. James Colley, what's the first thing you remember finding funny and does it still stand up peekaboo was the first thing I found particularly funny and I'm sorry to say it has not held up object permanence really takes a lot of the heat out of peekaboo now being the peekaboo is better than ever I've got to say but it doesn't really hold up no mine mine is uh an old cartoon show I used to love called Earthworm Jim about a funny superhero worm and his dog, Psychic.

And I would say, like, it has, looking back, aged in a very modern way. Because I went back and I watched some of the show, and if anything, I find it funnier than ever now that I'm older and can understand more of what's going on. And I've also discovered that the creator is a massive transphobe. So that's the way nostalgia works now. The material itself may well hold up

and you'll find new things to love, but sorry, the creators are all transphobes. That's what happened in the 90s. You got successful and you hated trans people for no particular reason. I think it was something to do with the suits. I feel like the suits were a big thing in the 90s and early 2000s.

The bigger the suit, the bigger the man. If you didn't look like a toddler playing dress-ups, you were not an important person. Because Earthworm Jim is famously, famously a worm that had a super suit fall on him. And I thought, like, did that give him the power of transphobia? Is that what happens? The suit falls and he goes from being a worm

to being overly concerned about women's sport and who's coming 16th in local swim meets. I think it's at times like this, we should really praise the king that is Tony Hawk for being a 90s celebrity who has remained unproblematic. What an achievement that has made. My policy is just never find out anything. Which is difficult as a news satire podcaster,

but I try really hard. As soon as someone you adore has a political view section on their Wikipedia, close the page. Close it, move on. Very wise. I mean, given the first show that I was allowed to watch on television was The Adventures of Lois and Clark with Dean Cain, and then after that I watched Hercules with Kevin Sorbo.

And then after that I was allowed to watch Xena. We were allowed to watch one show a week, and I think we just did the ones that were advertised in the same slot, Xena, Warrior, Princess. Lucy Lawless, you're my final shining hope. Please just stay Lucy Lawless. That's all I ask. Please.

I watched a lot of – so similarly, mine was a lot of TV and stuff, and I bonded with my dad over MASH. MASH was my favorite show still still mash holds up um but it did remind me tom of my favorite game which is always singing the name of a show to its theme song like mad men mad men mad men but mash there are a few things more fun than mash, mash, mash, mash, mash, mash, mash. It is time for Game of Thrones. It's very fun. You're right. That should be our whole section on iTunes playlists and stuff.

It should be those. I mean, even better than that is the one that infuriates the listener. Like Star Trek, da-da-da, Star Trek, da-da-da, Star Trek, da-da-da-da. And that's all the time we have for our old comedy section. Write in to us at HelloGogglers on Twitter if you have some old comedy and tell us whether it holds up now and whether it should

hold up now. And now it's time for our final section of this week's episode of the podcast. It is our noise news section. And this is the news that somebody who lives near an airport doesn't like living near an airport. James, can you unpack this nuisance news now? I love this story because, as you know, Alice, Sydney is the world's capital for someone moving next to a busy place and then try to get it shut down because it's making noise so one person has made over 12 000 noise complaints

to dublin airport over the course of a year based on the noise of flights and now the year before they put in over 6 000 and it doesn't correlate with flights resuming as traffic has only increased by 10 it's the ultimate version of moving somewhere complaining about the noise and i i think this is one of the funniest bits you can do i actually live near the airport and i think i might just get on the phone every time a plane goes over and he's like i don't know what the hell you're doing over there but it is quite loud like i i'm hoping this I don't know what the hell you're doing over there, but it is quite loud. I'm hoping this person doesn't know what an airport is, what a plane is or how it functions,

that they just think there's a big share house next door. They have weird kind of craft worky and vibes to their music collection and they play it all very loudly and they're very, very rude about it. Tom Neenan, how many noise complaints have you called in on dublin airport fortunately uh it's it's a fair way away but you know i've got it on speed dial which is i'm assuming what this person must do right they must just have it on speed dial and make it their full time job to make noise complaints um oh to be that retired wouldn't it be amazing if all of the noise complaints were about sex noises though and nothing to do with airplanes at all just like there's some orgies going on at dublin airport and that's what they want to complain about i'm always wary about telling people just to move but

this is this isn't there are plane spotters there's that guy i don't know if you know there's that guy who loves trains who does like a youtube video and surely there must be the equivalent for planes who'd actually really appreciate living by dublin airport so maybe like do a swap or something imagine if there's someone who loves like irish planes who is living in this like tranquil beautiful part of like i don't know sweden or something and he's just desperate to see the you know various planes going overhead they should just swap and make each other's lives happier they should do a sliding scale of flight prices the closer you live to an airport the cheaper your flight is just to make a great idea also given that it's dublin airport that's

probably not the noise of the planes taking off it's probably people looking at the sticker shock on the additional pricing on ryanair flights come on come on what are you gonna be gonna make me pay to wear shoes on the flight now actually dublin airport you know the flights were quite quiet it's just they had the loudest metal detective ever heard that was quite annoying me i i do think there is a hero in this story which is the person who is stuck 12 000 times over the course of a year picking up a phone and being like yep no is it a plane again oh Yeah, well, I reckon it will be quite... Well, I'll have a word with the pilot and we'll get back to you. Yeah, I'll talk to you again in 15 minutes from gate 16.

17 minutes from gate 19. And that's all the time we have for this episode of The Gargle. I'm flipping through the ad section at the back. James Colley, have you got anything to plug? Yeah, I do a podcast called Benity Project with comedian Bridie Connell where we go through albums done by people who shouldn't necessarily be making an album. The most recent episode is Muhammad Ali's comedy record, which I didn't know existed and is so much better than it has any right to be.

Oh, wow. Vanity Project is the podcast. James Colley and Bridie Connell are very funny people. Go listen to that. Tom Neenan, have you got anything to plug? As usual, I have so many pending projects that are not here, but I would like to plug The Haunting, which is available to buy, which is my Radio 4 series.

Now it's a fourth series coming out in October, but you can buy the previous three via Penguin Audiobooks, I think, and various other Audible Books vendors. Probably you can get that via my website or from the Positive Productions website as well. So check that out. Also check out my Elon Musk-owned Twitter,

at TNeenan as well, which will just be, I think, turning into an account, which is just tweeting that image of Elon Musk owned Twitter, at TNeenan as well, which will just be, I think, turning into an account which is just tweeting that image of Elon Musk and Ghislaine Maxwell at a party over and over again from here on out. I'd like to say thank you to our roving reporters this week. Mammal of Mystery, who sent in the electric salty chopstick story. Nick Denny, who sent in the toilet rescue story. VB, who sent in the daffodil story.

And Miss Otis, who sent in the Dublin airport noise complaint story. If you would like to send in a story, if you'd like to be a roving reporter on The Gargle, tweet us at HelloGarglers on our benevolent overlords' new vanity project. I'm Alice Fraser. I'm your host. Find me online at atalutative on Twitter and Instagram.

That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. That's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up special podcasts and blogs. I'm also on tour going to Sydney, Perth, London, Edinburgh and then back here, I assume, at some point. This is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner.

I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.

My grandma and your grandma. Grandma, grandma, grandma. My grandma and your grandma. Grandma, grandma, grandma.