The Gargle - Sexy bears | Grated egg | Snack attack

Episode Date: February 11, 2022

Alison Spittle and Tom Neenan join host Alice Fraser for episode 48 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🐻 Sexy Build-A-Bears😩 1960s vibra...tor found🥚 Grated egg news👨🏻‍🦲 Joe Rogan facts🐰 Reviews🥜 Snack attackProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels
Starting point is 00:00:22 or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.
Starting point is 00:00:49 Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.
Starting point is 00:01:20 Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. How do we mark out this thing we call time? In tides lapped against the shore, in songs sung, in dances danced, in the blooming and withering of a flower, in the rising and falling of the sun, in the weekly or two-weekly march of bin day, in autumn's autumn, in winter's wintered, or in the exceptionally regular weekly
Starting point is 00:01:46 release of The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper of the visual world. This is The Gargle. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Neenan and Alison Spittel. Welcome. Hello. Hello.
Starting point is 00:02:01 How are you getting on? I was voicing finger guns there while not doing it. For the people at home that listen to this on a podcast. What does a finger gun sound like, Alison Spittel? Pew pew. That's what it normally sounds like. Or are you thinking, oh, I don't know. I wasn't thinking anything rude, but do go on.
Starting point is 00:02:30 What does that sound like it sounds like well that's definitely going to be censored before we get into the body of this magazine let's get into the front page the front page is a glamorous photograph by annie leibovitz in which she's photographed a beautifully posed group made up of all the movie stars who didn't get nominated for an Oscar this year. They look absolutely furious. And the satirical cartoon this week is Chinese Premier Xi Jinping in a skeleton bobsleigh heading downhill to a sign pointing in two directions, one marked human lefts and the other one marked human rights. He's steering towards the left one and saying ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, and that's all drawn like it's on a TikTok video.
Starting point is 00:03:14 Our top section this week is a Build-A-Bear section. Ladies and gentlemen, Build-A-Bear has gone after dark, and not in the way that teddy bears normally are after dark, but the way that teddy bears sometimes are after dark but the way that teddy bears sometimes are after dark which is the sexy way tom neenan you look like you f***ed a teddy bear can you this morning uh in preparation for this i finally finally the the sexless world of stuffed toys is getting what has been well overdue which is they are getting a sexy revamp build a bear not to be confused of course with build a burg the uh the very secretive organization where a lot of high profile decisions are made uh and after dark there of course i think
Starting point is 00:03:57 they sacrifice uh virgins or something by the way that is uh just me thinking that i'm not saying that that's what happened please don't have me audited or something. I don't know. Oh, I'll say it happened, Tom. Don't worry. I'll push it for you. That definitely happened. Really jumping on that grenade for me there, Alison.
Starting point is 00:04:12 Thank you very much. So yeah, they're doing sexy teddy bears. And like, they're not too explicit. Like there's not a bear with a t-shirt that says like, I love getting stuffed or anything that's like, you know, would cross a line. But they are kind of of um yeah they're sort of a bit sultry there's there's a rabbit that's holding some rose um and there's like a sexy bear and like lying down and sort of being a bit come hither does soft toys need to be sexy like there's a few things that just don't
Starting point is 00:04:42 need to be sexy i say teddy bears and bibs this falls squarely into my uh not sexy like it like christmas is not sexy and teddy bears are not sexy and for me the reason is just a logistical one in that they're fluffy and sex is moist yeah if you're doing it right that's's a very good point. Yes. So any kind of sexiness associated with fluffiness just brings the word claggy to mind. And for me, that's not. Yeah. Teddy bears aren't dishwasher safe, you know.
Starting point is 00:05:17 They need to improve that generally. Oh, my God. Like for me, when I heard that Build-A-Bear were making sexy teddy bears, I did have, like, a horrific image of someone stapling fur to a flashlight. No. This cannot happen. Alison, I guarantee you it already has happened. Oh, Alice, I saw...
Starting point is 00:05:41 Do you remember in Bugs Life? Yes. Do you remember there was the Heimlich, the German caterpillar? Do you remember in Bugs Life? Yes. Do you remember there was the Heimlich, the German caterpillar from a Bugs Life? He's a very small side character in the Disney canon. I've seen a flashlight for sale that was painted as Heimlich. Is that what the Heimlich manoeuvre means then?
Starting point is 00:06:05 That is disturbing. But that probably is dishwasher safe. Well, the idea of sort of non-threatening sexy things that are sort of cutesy, I find sort of inherently troubling. Threatening? Yes, inherently threatening. Bringing sort of cutesiness into the realm of sexiness seems unwholesome to me,
Starting point is 00:06:27 if only because I think that sex should be ruthlessly efficient and brutally honest. I just don't like a vibrator shaped like a smiling dolphin. Is that so much? Fair enough. Do you ask for not to happen to my vagina i have a friend that owns an online sex shop in ireland and she bought it a load of um uh dildos but they were painted like cow like cows you know the frisian ones and she genuinely thought because i she was like i you
Starting point is 00:07:01 know what irish people they love cows they love dildos but surprisingly they you know she's like, you know what, Irish people, they love cows and they love dildos. But surprisingly, you know, she's put them on sale. They haven't sold that well. So shout out to Sex Shopper. Shout out if you're listening, hun. So hang on, there are dildos which are painted to look exclusively to be female. These are female cow.
Starting point is 00:07:21 These are not bulls. This is a cow. This is something expressly female. But they have gone, this is the tone we want for our phalluses. Yeah, they're bringing a whole new meaning to the laughing cow or whatever. Why is she laughing so much? Because she's been to my friend's shop. Fair enough.
Starting point is 00:07:38 I mean, it brings a new meaning to the phrase when the cows come home. Yes, it does, Alan. And this is why you were the host. This is why. And in other sexy sex news or possibly inappropriate sex news, I'm not quite sure where to put this one, this is the tale of an historical dildo that has risen again, rather a 60s vibrator that's still going strong.
Starting point is 00:08:04 Is it strong? I don't know. I haven't felt its rumblings. Put it on the tip of your nose, apparently. That's the appropriate to test. Look, anyway, Alison's fiddle. What, is this like buying sex toys secondhand and you're like, I'll give it a sniff?
Starting point is 00:08:18 Well, you know, dildos aren't recyclable. Really? They're terrible for the environment. Yeah, the batteries are embedded in them, particularly if they're recharge rechargeable they're not recyclable and you can't get them i mean you can get them sick but you wouldn't get them second hand yeah that's the i just i'm just imagining now landfill like just full of dildos and zellas coming up like the sandworm out of dune yeah this is a story about the uh a mckayla pinsker which i think is the most american name ever was retrieving christmas decorations uh from a from a basement which you
Starting point is 00:08:54 know it's like an odd item on the shelf uh and to describe it to you it's a leather kind of a seat with a plug coming out of it and this is what people in the 60s used to get off uh which i think is the nicest thing that's come out about the sex lives of people in the 60s i mean there's been quite a few tribunals deemed okay at that time is not okay now but i think we can bring these back these are like full-on vibrating seats that uh people used to use as sex toys and looking at it it's very quaint it looks very well designed apparently now she's tried she's i don't know how she said she's tried it but it doesn't work anymore and uh she wants to give it
Starting point is 00:09:38 away to some family members for christmas none of this shonky modern sex toy with the built-in obsolescence these things were built to last to be passed down from generation to generation you know the editor pet has suggested that we paint one like a cow yeah yeah we should we should paint i think that would be very 60s that was very 60s now this was called a vibra slim a vibra slim sounds like someone who wrote a book in the 70s about sex work. Like, it's just, that's a very niche, that's an iceberg slim reference. He was a bad man and not a great joke. Oh, it sounds like one of those pieces of exercise equipment, but for somebody who ambitiously wants to bang themselves svelte.
Starting point is 00:10:23 Wouldn't that be wonderful? Genuinely, I think these things were offered as like a slimming product, wink, wink, and then you could buy it and use it as a sex toy because they couldn't say it was a sex toy. Whereas nowadays, you would be embarrassed to say you'd bought a slimming product. You're like, no, no, this is just my vibrator.
Starting point is 00:10:39 That's genuinely it. That's genuinely it. I'm very empowered. Here's my vibrator. Also, it still makes me lose weight i can't believe it like do you think people have genuinely bought room deodorizers like uh you know poppers are sold as room deodorizers is that right yeah i mean how do you deodorize your room with a very loose anus yeah it's like it would have the opposite effect yeah that is because i was thinking like oh yeah you know the it's the wonders of modern technology but
Starting point is 00:11:11 then of course i'd imagine most women in the 60s had something in the basement that you know did sort of the same thing and that's why they spent so much time in the washing machine because that was wasn't that your like your go-to um sort of sex aid replacement was like, oh, no, I'll do the washing. I think that's actually why, you know, this is these cliches about women sort of doing the housework evolved. It's just lots of ladies going, I'll do the washing. It's OK, I'll just sit there, sit on the washing machine to make sure it's working. It's very, very enterprising. Yeah, these myths of women doing a disproportionate amount of housework.
Starting point is 00:11:45 Yeah. I like it. It looks like a naughty saddle. Yes. I mean, look, any saddle's naughty if you sit forward far enough. Your ad section now, because you can't be what you can't buy. Are you ashamed of your feet? Are you embarrassed of your arches?
Starting point is 00:12:04 Do you dread people seeing your hideous heels and your disgusting toes? Then why not try socks? Socks, the perfect little shame hood to hide your feet away. Are your socks not cutting it? Why would they? They're socks, not knives. Do you see the looks of horror on people's faces as they glance earthwards and discern the horrifying shape of your disgusting feet lingering behind a thin veil of cloth, then we've got just the thing, shoes. Shoes for when your feet's grotesqueness is more than superficial. And do you hate questions?
Starting point is 00:12:35 Do you think they've been overused in this week's ads? Well, why not try f***ing off? F***ing off. What you should try. And if you have a pair of socks and nowhere to wash them, try half a glass of water. Not quite enough to clean your socks, but it is enough to make them unpleasantly damp. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.
Starting point is 00:13:01 the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships,
Starting point is 00:13:24 houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. Now it's time for your grated egg news. Ladies and gentlemen, the future is upon us.
Starting point is 00:14:02 Innovation is ever charging forth forth and sometimes it will leave us behind. This next story has left me behind. Tom Neenan, you're up with the TikTok teens. Can you explain what's going in their mouths? Of course. People are grating their eggs, which is something I do when I go for a long walk in new jeans. when I go for a long walk in new jeans. It's one of the less annoying TikTok trends, I'd say, just because, you know, a lot of TikTok, I follow some TikToks and I enjoy them,
Starting point is 00:14:36 but there's some irritating stuff going on there. Whereas this just is people trying to be adventurous with their protein. And I, for one, I'm a bit baffled by it, a bit bamboozled, but basically what people are doing is boiling their eggs sure that's fine then they are grating them over an avocado on toast almost as a way of sort of being the most millennial anyone can be although obviously millennials aren't on TikTok it's all it's all zoomers now and I honestly don't have a problem with this I think it's enterprising and a fun thing to do, unless you're going to tell me that, you know, there is some sinister backstory to this that I haven't actually
Starting point is 00:15:09 found in my research. Other than the fact that it's the reckless behavior of someone who's never had to clean clumps of egg out of a grater. Like the reason we don't grate eggs is because it's horrible and messy and also because eggs at their best are a compositional textural treat i for one lean towards poached uh where there are multiple textures going on at the same time grated is just grated you know it's artless isn't it it's it's how hard are you boiling your egg that it's grateable as well again but it's like i've seen this i wanted to get disgusted but apparently it was like what if you could snort's like i've seen this i wanted to get disgusted but a part of me was like what if you could snort this like i feel like the next step we're gonna do is see gen z just
Starting point is 00:15:54 grate up an egg and snort lines off it for their protein like uh i love the way you've got strong opinions on eggs i do too i hate hipsters not like i know it's bad to go go on about hipsters because it's like a they're actually not real they're a figment of a shithead's imagination but i don't like the people that oh uh that fry eggs and leave the leave the white of an egg glistening and disgusting. And it makes me feel ill. I would rather eat a grated egg than a badly fried egg. That looked at least like you knew what you were getting texturally. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:16:36 I'm very in favor of this, actually. I think good for the kids. Good that they're doing this. I love them and their eggs. You know, as well as that, if generations before you are destroying the world and you feel powerless why not grate an egg at least you have power over that and the texture it has see i have a mad aunt she's you know probably awful as as a human being but then my dad once told me the story of how my grandmother would try to trick her into eating eggs by, for example, cracking a raw egg into her glass of milk.
Starting point is 00:17:08 No! Oh, no! And so I feel that her madness is, if not forgivable, at least deeply explainable. Is this her villain origin story of, like, a mum giving uncooked custard? Just hiding raw eggs in your food. Oh, God. It's not the worst egg dish I've ever heard. The worst egg dish I've ever heard, I was in a restaurant,
Starting point is 00:17:32 and there was, this is so grim, there was something which they offered up, which was a sort of poached egg with chicken, which is sort of, you know, whatever. But the name of the dish was was mother and child reunited which is the grimmest thing i've ever heard yeah speaking of mother and child reunited i i fed my child this morning and then put her up uh adorably above my head in order to give her a loving kiss and then she vomited my own milk back into my mouth. Whoa! The circle of life. Yeah, what a beautiful story. Which she now thinks is an encouraged behaviour
Starting point is 00:18:12 because I couldn't stop laughing. It's like Waterworld where Kevin Costner had to filter his own piss and drink it. This is how you're going to survive in the afterworld. Very upsetting times for all of us. What food trend would you like to see on TikTok? Well, when I was a kid, I used to microwave Werver's Originals. Until they went into a liquid form
Starting point is 00:18:47 and then I would put a fork in it and spiralise it before it went hard and make all of these incredible sculptures but I always used the microwave I flew too close to the microwave but I always used the microwave a bit too hard and it would create quite sugary smoke and my mum would go
Starting point is 00:19:06 mad. She's like, why are you doing this? And I'm like, it's breakfast time, mum. A lot of my problems are down to me eating Melted Worms Original as a sustainable breakfast meal. I'll never forget the first Melted Worms Original given to me by my
Starting point is 00:19:23 incredibly hot grandfather. Yeah. Poor granddad put his hand in his pocket, like scalded his own hand. Well, he gives you a hand-shaped Werther's thing. Pull off his hand and eat it. I'm going to give it a try. I'm convinced.
Starting point is 00:19:41 Yeah. Tom Neenan, what fresh trend are you going to launch onto the hell that is TikTok? One of my favourites, if I'm feeling to give it a try. I'm convinced. Yeah. Tom Neenan, what fresh trend are you going to launch onto the hell that is TikTok? One of my favourites, if I'm feeling very indulgent, I will stack as many Maui strips on top of one another as possible and then chew them and sort of make my mouth sort of basically numb. I want to see challenges where people stack like 100 Maui
Starting point is 00:20:01 on top of one another and attempt to, you know, chew them in like less than a minute or something. at it kids that's incredible you're making the ultimate Mauwam the ultimate the Mauwam now it's time for your Joe Rogan section a pullout section of facts and information about podcaster Joe Rogan the section is completely unresearched and underprepared and includes facts such as Joe Rogan is an enchanted pony and Joe Rogan has never breathed in. And as part of his daily routine, every morning Joe Rogan tries to sit on an egg without breaking it.
Starting point is 00:20:37 And Joe Rogan has never successfully sat on an egg without breaking it. And Joe Rogan's teeth taste delicious. And Joe Rogan can hide in a surprisingly small cupboard. And did you know the official name for a Spotify podcaster is a Spotify-ay? And that's the end of our Joe Rogan section. Now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week both of our guest editors bring in something
Starting point is 00:21:01 to review out of five stars. Tom Neenan, what have you brought in for us this week? Well, it was obviously the Oscars were announced very recently, the Academy Awards. So I wanted to review a film. Now, I've been having a bit of insomnia recently. And so what I do when I have insomnia is I go onto the Reddit thread. What could go wrong? Small videos where sort of things, mishaps occur uh and so i've decided to review one of
Starting point is 00:21:27 those um if you will indulge me i will there is a common trend in cinema for run times to extend to bladder straining two hour run times or plus so imagine my delight upon discovering that total warehouse meltdown is just seven seconds in length clearly directed credited to this uh on the screen as party xxx yoda balls felt the story could be captured quickly and efficiently without the need for the incessant padding which flights modern picture houses and the plot though meager it is compelling a forklift driver who remains enigmatically unnamed uh throughout the piece and not possibly to chris finonan in Tenet, no doubt, drives his vehicle at a strut holding up a shelving unit. The resulting domino effect renders every shelf in the warehouse structurally unsound and eventually may come crashing to the floor.
Starting point is 00:22:14 What the story lacks in narrative twists, it more than makes up for in spectacle. The camera work, while static, the whole thing is recorded on CCTV in a move I'm sure Orwell would have appreciated, conveys the action efficiently as a treatise on modern american workers it is shallow but as an effectively told a spectacular piece of entertainment uh it is no holds barred and enjoyable four stars i can't wait to see what party xxx yodables comes up with next alisonittel, what have you brought in for us? So I'm reviewing something and it's a piece of clothing and I'm going to wear it for you now.
Starting point is 00:22:50 So for the listeners at home, I'll describe what I'm wearing or maybe Alice could. It's, I think, leather. I'm not sure. You know that poem, Red Leather, Yellow Leather? This is black leather, bunny gimp mask, question mark?
Starting point is 00:23:09 There's definitely a question mark in it. This is apparently an Ariana Grande costume. So what I have here is a leather bunny gimp mask. My sister is getting married this year. We're going to a place called Butlin's Minehead which I'm very excited about I've never been before this really is crushing my nose
Starting point is 00:23:31 like I'm so sorry listeners you can't see this but this does look like something you'll see before you die and a horrible and a horrible orgy you were going to review badly on Google reviews or something. So it's an Ariana Grande mask, which is a rabbit mask.
Starting point is 00:23:54 I'm going to Butlins in Minehead back to the 2000s weekend, which is going to have Scouting for Girls, Tinchy Strider, and a great new band called Boys Life, right? Which consists of one member of Boys Zone, the best one, Keith Duffy, and the other member of Westlife, who's the best one, Brian McFadden. So I can't wait to see the biggest amount
Starting point is 00:24:22 of divorced dad energy I've ever seen on one stage. It's going to be great fun. But this mask, I'm giving it a two out of five. I'm giving it a two for just the audacity to wear it. I quite like it. But the eye holes are very bad. I can't fit my glasses through it which I think is you know it's it's a blemish
Starting point is 00:24:48 on the glasses wearing community that we cannot find good gimp masks to wear while having trouble with our eyes and I think we could bring this up to the houses of parliament or something and get gimp masks to be more accessible for people that wear glasses it's a disgrace
Starting point is 00:25:04 Alice so that's why I'm taking the three stars off but for a gimp mask it's fine to be more accessible for people that wear glasses. It's a disgrace, Alice. So that's why I'm taking the three stars off. But for a gift mask, it's fine. And that's all the time we have for our review section because now it's time for a snack attack. This cyber attack is the biggest snack-based surprise since when somebody would offer you a tin of peanuts and all those springs would jump out and your fight-or-flight reflex would take place
Starting point is 00:25:23 and people would be like, ha-ha, you idiot, reacting. Tom Neenan, tell us about the snack attack. Well, I am, I'm very excited about this. They've really felt, so some nerdy worlds have really found a way of bringing Western civilization to its knees. And that is by threatening our access to salty snacks. Because what's happened
Starting point is 00:25:46 over at KP, they were attacked, there was a ransomware hack of their, I'm guessing, mainframe. I don't know. I don't know computers. And so what that means is that they're sort of basically, they're sort of afraid to use their computer now. They can't use them regularly. So they are, there's been delays in shipping shipping and there's been delays in meeting orders so people aren't going to be getting their hula hoops uh anytime soon and i don't know i in terms of terrorism this is the kind of terrorism that i can kind of get behind i think it's charming it's a bit whimsical wouldn't the world be a different place if on the september the 11th 2001 if people just hadn't been able to get hold of twiglets like that i think that would be uh the world would be a better place if you
Starting point is 00:26:30 ask me i think we wouldn't remember the date like yeah it'd be like oh the day when people weren't didn't have easy access to frazzles yeah i vaguely remember that day well when i first heard this news um i was very frazzled uh but then i realized that kp don't make frazzles it's me so i was fine uh but yeah my my heart did skip a beat uh they make skips i couldn't really do a pun about Tyrell's crisps, but I will try. Is it Tyrell's? I've been saying Tyrell's. It probably is. I don't know. I think you said that. It sounded right when you said it.
Starting point is 00:27:16 Tyrell also sounds a bit too cool for a crisp name, so I'm going to assume it's Tyrell's. Yeah, I hate all posh crisps, generally. They taste too oily, you know what I mean? I like, in Ireland, we have this crisps called Banshee Bones, which are a really lovely, whimsical snack named after the woman you will hear before you get killed. So it's quite a, like, that's what a banshee is if you hear her sound you will die and your relatives will die um and what what better childhood snack than
Starting point is 00:27:53 than the banshee bones i thought you're gonna say um tatos yeah i i toes my other favorite irish snack an incredible irish snack that we uh we named a we have ireland's only theme park and it's dedicated to tato crisps also uh i know we've we're not supposed to bring politics into it so i'm not going to but the northern irish irish backstop there is um there is a there has been a divide for years with the tape so with tato's there is a um there is a man that is a representative of Tato's and it's called Mr. Tato. In Ireland, he's drawn a bit differently. In Northern Ireland, he's a sexier man.
Starting point is 00:28:34 Like, I know he's made out of spud, but he's still... I'll show you guys. I'm going to get it up on my phone. And you tell me which one you would rather uh can you put this up on the twitter yeah you'll have to put it up on the i mean well done if he's ripped because that man is pure carbs so yeah he's able to uh to get a good ripped body is impressive i want to see this guy he's got spud bod yeah uh here's so here's the republic of ireland tato man there he's dressed very reasonable young tato man yes yeah he's dressed like a butcher he's kind of fun there's
Starting point is 00:29:13 there's him in a more romantic way he's blowing you a kiss oh irish people know the the the sexual allure of mr tate now i'm going to put in in Northern Ireland. And we'll see what he looks like here. Oh, here we go. So what Northern Ireland have gone for is a more definition. Wow! He's got like a... I think Northern Ireland have gone for
Starting point is 00:29:37 the head of a potato as a Tate-o-man, but Ireland has gone for body and head being shaped like a potato. And the Northern Irish Tate-o-man, he looks beautiful. He looks a potato man, but Ireland has gone for body and head being shaped like a potato. And the Northern Irish potato man, he looks beautiful. It's a lot of teeth. He's a lot of teeth.
Starting point is 00:29:53 More teeth than you'd expect from a potato. Well, you know, Northern Ireland has the NHS and that is free dental care will do a lot for people. I'm just saying, in real life, if I encountered a potato with teeth, it would turn me off rather than... What is it?
Starting point is 00:30:11 Just think about it. Imagine a potato, but the potato has teeth in it. Yeah. No. And it's real life. Yeah, I would not be happy. Yeah. All of these scenarios are very horrifying.
Starting point is 00:30:24 I mean, don't get me wrong, a potato with no teeth but with gums, worse. But he's shilling off his fellow spuds. Like this man is telling you, not only do I adore, I want you to eat my fellow man. Like it's just an absolute disgrace. But anyway, what were we talking about before this? This cyber attack on the snack pipeline. This is the crunchiest heist of all time. If you were a hacker, would you hack snacks?
Starting point is 00:30:54 For what gain are we talking? Is this to free my country or is this like a... For ransom. You'd hold the snacks for ransom. Okay, I'd hold the snacks for ransom. Oh, palm bears i would uh because they're very cute those little crisps that are shaped like teddy bears they're very cute and very easy to handle you could snap them like sometimes i do like eating
Starting point is 00:31:16 stuff that's shaped like people so i could go like i'm gonna eat you what are you gonna do about it and they can't do anything and then you know i bite their hand off and they're like no and uh yeah i mean i should not be allowed to be in charge of a country ever uh or like have a job but i i do i do like to eat stuff that's shaped by people allison you know that you know in order to in order to get your political point across what you do is you'd make so many molten weathers originals that basically it was was like Pompeii and people would be like fleeing for their lives and you would like hold them all to ransom.
Starting point is 00:31:48 Yeah, I'd be like where's your granddad now to protect you? What? I feel like a weird medieval king that drowns his enemies in wine. I'd be doing it in molten Werther's Originals.
Starting point is 00:32:01 I mean, they don't even need to be molten. You can just have a pit at the bottom with ex-molten Werther's Originals. It don't even need to be molten. You can just have a pit at the bottom with ex-molten Werver's Originals. It's all shardy. Yes, you could. I could create my own torture den. I mean, she says wearing the bunny
Starting point is 00:32:16 gimp mask. I know, but look at me. You do think, wait, if she isn't S&M, there will be Werver's Originals involved. Makes it more wholesome. I like it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:31 Which brings us back to sexy builder bears and closes up this week's episode of The Gargle. We're flipping through the ads at the back of the magazine. Do you like counting to ten? Try being a personal trainer. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug so i have a podcast called the wheel of misfortune uh on bbc sounds um and uh i'll bring it back my new podcast well it's an old podcast the alison spittle show that'll be coming out soon i'm going to be in
Starting point is 00:32:58 edinburgh this year at mcclannell festival cambridge uh fringe festival Festival and other places. I'm very bad at admin. Please, I don't know, help me somehow. Badger me if I'm not in your town. So I probably am and I haven't put it up on the internet yet. So yeah. Tom Neenan, do you have anything to plug? As per, I have things in the future that will be so, so distant by the time that this comes out that I'll just say,
Starting point is 00:33:28 follow me on Twitter, and then in good time, I will tweet about things that are coming out and everything else. Things that I'm not involved in, I saw the film Ambulance recently that is mad and is very well worth seeing if you get the chance. Melvin Staunton plays a nun, so enjoy that. Save it for the review section. I'm your host, Alice Fraser. Find me online at at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram.
Starting point is 00:33:47 That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. Or find me on Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. It's one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs, as well as my weekly Tea with Alice salons. I'll be on tour in Adelaide from the 1st to the 5th of March. I'll be in Melbourne for the whole of the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I'll be Sydney and also in Perth if they open the borders ever again. This is The Gaggle.
Starting point is 00:34:06 It is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gaggle wherever you find your podcasts.

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