The Gargle - Social media | Heroic rat | Noah's ark

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

James Nokise and Benjamin Partridge join host Alice Fraser for episode 15 of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 📱 TikTok stealing faces?✉️ Facebook newsletters���� Heroic rat honoured👁 Robotic third eye🦒 Noah's ark 'unseaworthy'🇦🇺 Australia reviewed!🦆 Duckling cupping reviewed!Catch Tiff's Stevenson's Tiny Revolutions in your pod feed now.This is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinions starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. That, ladies and gentlemen, is called social proof, and it's a marketing tactic that hits deeply ingrained neural pathways in the evolved human brain

that tell you you're only safe in a crowd when you're agreeing with other people. And this is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World. Welcome. We are the pull-out section that's double-bagged because you can't be too safe. Your guests today on the show are James Nwokise. Hello. And Benjamin Partridge. Hello.

Hello. Well, we're going to get into all of the news of this week that does not involve politics, but first let's have a look at the cover of this week's magazine. politics but first let's have a look at the cover of this week's magazine. The front cover this week is a picture of Floyd Mayweather in a back-to-back crossed arms quirky 80s pose with YouTuber Logan Paul and the caption reads money we just made so much money you've forgotten one of us is a violent criminal. It's always sad when the obnoxious upstart who's 20 years younger and 30 kilos heavier only disgraced himself by showing a dead body to millions of children for fun, where the respectable elder statesman punched a series of women,

from strangers in bars to the mothers of his children. I know this is probably controversial, but if punching women is your hobby, I don't think you should be allowed to punch men for your job. Just a personal opinion there. Other cover headers include outrage at Oxford. Students who took down a picture of the Queen. Wait until they hear about the sex pistols. And the satirical cartoon this week is Jeff Bezos in space

getting an Amazon delivery notification on his phone that he's not going to be home to sign for. The speech bubble says, aw, shucks. And that brings us to the first section of this magazine, social media, section one. TikTok is stealing your face. James Nwokise, you have a face. I do. Can you tell me a bit more about this story?

Look, this is weirdly not political, but also what we've always deeply feared and that is uh tick tock it's just gonna go in there and take uh all of our privacy um particularly our face prints and voice prints um i'm not smart enough to know what a face print is i'm guessing it's just a print of your face uh but tick tock stealing it and they they we don't know what they're using it for um i don't know what my face or voice print will be used for. I can't even sneak you into New Zealand using this face print and voice print. It just looks like ethnic anyone. It's, yeah, it's basically they're doing

what all the conspiracy theory people said they would, which is they're stealing all of the face and voice stuff of users without really, it, particularly in the US, and without any of their knowledge. I feel generally bad for conspiracy people because during the whole pandemic, we've given conspiracy people, we've been like, shut up. This is serious now. We can't hear any of your stuff. Your phone isn't stealing your face and your voice. And as soon as we've got a vaccine, it's like, all right, your phone is absolutely stealing your face and your voice.

See, no, this was my argument against anti-vaxxers when they were like, oh, they're going to put microchips in and steal all our data. I was like, why would they need to? You've already given it away for free to like get a BuzzFeed quiz into your phone. Like it's outrageous to me that people are sort of shocked or upset by this. And this is a real redemption of my TikTok arc, which was not getting TikTok. Benjamin, have you got TikTok? I've never been on TikTok purely because I studied the terms and conditions very carefully when it came up when I signed up for it. And it said, if you sign up, the Chinese Communist Party will come to your house,

smash your face into an ink pad and then smash it onto a piece of paper. And then they'll steal your voice like the witch and the little mermaid. So I just pressed, I do not agree. But I don't know what I'm missing out on particularly. It's mainly teenagers dancing, isn't it? Which, you know, isn't my thing really.

I'm on there. Oh, you're on there james yeah i i um i went on there like most people just blindly i just clicked i accept just let me at it it's too late yeah i buy i mainly use it to make angry videos about new zealand racism that's the only thing i do i don't do anything else i have to admit i'm glad it's tiktok of all of our overlords if it was facebook you know myspace but tiktok you're like oh the puppies are cute and you know because i sympathize with the underdog i would happily give myspace everything i own they can have it if if it helps my space they can have my fingerprints my face print my dna whatever they want split it eight ways with Tom and your top friends. But James, you've still got a face.

Like I'm looking at you now through Zoom. Even though you've signed over to TikTok, you still have it for the moment. So it hasn't gone terribly wrong yet. I don't even know if I own it at this point. You might be renting your own face. There could be posters of me in China right now. Someone's already minted an NFT of your face and is going to sell it back to you like a domain name. Yeah there's like an apple factory where my phone's chip is being made by 12 year olds who are like cursing my face on the wall who's like thanks children their kind of argument is like you don't need

to worry about it's not about privacy it's not about stealing your face it's just so we can scan your face and then work out exactly what kind of adverts you want to see based on what you look like i mean that's almost as horrific as anything else isn't it that's to me it is way more horrific because if you have a sinister government who's using your face to control your life, they will at least have some sort of policy and standards behind that. You know, extremes of capitalism unregulated by any kind of moral imperative is like I just I think that's even worse. But also, what does my face to you guys? What does my face say? I want advertised at me. Yeah. And that's even worse. But also, what does my face, to you guys, what does my face say I want advertised at me? Yeah.

TikTok. That's the thing. And what if they think that your face says things about you that you don't think your face says about you? Exactly. And we can't really help what our faces look like. That's upsetting. You get some very targeted ads and they're very upsetting.

Exactly. Have you thought about facelifts? Yeah. It's horrific. Yeah. I think you've hit on something else that there is something like because we know that tiktok is owned by china that does play a little bit into that you know that classic old yellow fear from back in the like the cold war days and because i mean we just say uber i've just said the word i'm gonna get both an offer of a ride and a meal request by the end of this episode on my phone my phone is too close to me like just to say the word but i think there

is that out of thing because it's china that we go oh well now it's it's the bad social media well i think that australia and new zealand particularly being in the backyard of the superpower that is china have always had a difficult time distinguishing between China and the Chinese, one being a slightly sinister force and the other one being people who make delicious food. That's true. That's true. We struggle in New Zealand with the concept that Chinese people were here before Pacific Islanders were. They were here during the Gold Rush in the 1800s. And we're like, no, they weren't. They were here just on the corner in the 70s making me food. I didn't know that. That's amazing.

Yeah. When did Pacific Islanders arrive in New Zealand? Post-war, primarily. It just came in. Basically, like most immigrants, New Zealand needed a workforce and no one wanted to do it. So we just kind of showed up and were like, yo. Our next story in our text section is a Facebook story.

The newest technology is, of course, always recycling. The oldest technology, Facebook, is now getting ready to launch its newsletter platform. Benjamin, you know about the news. Well, yeah. So they have decided that newsletters are the hot new thing. And so they're starting a thing called Bulletin. And they're starting off with, I think they're employing professional writers to write these kind of bulletins that you can sign up to, and I think maybe eventually pay for. But the main thing is they've decided they don't want anything political or divisive, which coming from facebook's pretty mad i mean if you look at the rest of facebook it's just like a sort of kaleidoscope of like racism and conspiracy theories and and you know people you knew at school getting divorced for the fifth time even though they were 35 um that's a bit judgmental isn't it you can get divorced as many times as you like i want to say that here but yeah i mean i don't know what these bulletins are going to be like i look forward to signing up

to the aunt sunset's nice bulletin or the Look at These Pictures of Nice Birds Bulletin. I mean, now I'm saying that those do sound quite good. I think it's a wonderful thing. And I applaud this embracing of old media. Apparently, Twitter is now going to allow you to post your things literally by nailing them to a church door to get your ideas out there. What would your ideal non-political newsletter be, James Nokisi? See, I don't know if it exists. I feel like we live in a world where everything can be political. But if I was going to have one, it would be the NBA Playoff Bulletin, which thankfully exists in the form of an app.

The kind of things that already exist. This is a new thing. Facebook is breaking new ground with its newsletter platform, much like other newsletter platforms that already exist and newsletters that existed before that and pamphlets that existed before that and town criers that existed before that. How much cocaine do you think went on in that planning room before they circled all the way back to Bulletin? Bulletin, my God! So much cocaine that they were using cocaine

to dust for the fingerprints afterwards. Well, that's all the time we have for our tech section because now it's time for your ads. Your ad section now, because if life is a brief spark of brightness between two infinite dark spans, existence is a sandwich and all the seasonings are for sale. This week's episode of the podcast is brought to you by leaf blowers. Make that pile of leaves someone else's problem. If you're sick of screaming at nature, get a robot to do it for you. Leaf blowers. And

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Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom.

It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com. And that is all we have time for for your ad section, because now it's time for our section number two, Animal News. Animal News this week is the heroism of the smallest of our creatures.

A rat has just got a medal. James Nwokisi, tell us about this rat. This is a legend in the field, pun intended. It's a rat called Magawa, I believe I'm pronouncing that right, a Cambodian rat who for five years has been sniffing out landmines to quote he is believed to have saved lives now that's a genuine quote alice they generally believe that this rat has they can't confirm it but they believe it that he saved lives he's even amongst some of the other rats he's he's an absolute legend some some only get to four maybe maybe even three, but this guy's been going five years. Originally a Tanzanian-born African rat, he was kicked out by his original family when they moved to France to become chefs. But he persevered, signed up with the military,

and has been sniffing out landmines ever since. I mean, this is such a brilliant story. He's helped to clear more than 2.4 million square feet of land. And in person, he has found, or in Ratson, he has found 71 landmines and 38 items of unexploded ordnance. So he genuinely has done an incredible job for an animal. But I think they're exaggerating the newsworthiness of this rat being a hero. I've known rats could be heroes since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Splinter, the rat mentor.

I realise in the UK it's Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles but in Australia it was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Benjamin, how do you feel about Magawa? I was pleased to read about Magawa. It was interesting to me how they do it. It works because a rat isn't heavy enough to set off a landmine basically so they can kind of walk over them without them going off it's a way to give a rat like body image issues if a rat becomes heavy it comes too heavy it then dies in a landmine

attack so um you know keeping the weight off is more important as a rat but um yeah i mean it explains why my uh my attempts to keep the rats down in my house using landmines didn't work it says that the rats go through this kind of quite long period of training to get them to do this and i'm not here to tell the you know the tanzanian army how to do things but i can think of a way of checking for mines using rats without without any training you know the rats might not last that long, but, you know, if you sort of weigh them down to send them out across the field,

you've saved yourself years of training. And rats are basically sort of, they're like a replenishing, you know, resource. So I just think they're sort of wasting their time. Just send the Australian mouse plague over there. Yeah, exactly. He's a giant pouched rat, which I believe in Australia you call

a kangaroo. That's a bit of interest. We should be clear on this, Ellis. No one has checked that rats understand the concept of awards. So we probably would have been happy with cheese. Yeah, or even whether they understand the concept of landmines.

Not quite sure what he's thought he's been doing this whole time which questions whether he is a hero or not. If subjectively he felt like he was searching out poison to poison children with, you know. Also, they've given him this gold medal which now potentially makes him heavy enough to set off a landmine it hasn't been well thought through it's a lovely idea also it says that he's um he's now reached retirement age so he's being pensioned off but we kind of

know what what happens you know he's a few days away from retirement he's called in for one last job i think we know what's happening to magawa. So I just want to say thank you, little guy, and enjoy the big rat pile in the sky. And that brings us to the end of section two. Now it's time for your reviews section. Both of our magnificent guests have brought in something to review out of five stars. James Nukise, what have you brought in?

Look, I fought long and hard about what I could review here. And I've decided to review Australia. Been keeping an eye on it in New Zealand because we've got a travel bubble opening up with them. They've done pretty well on the health front, human rights front, a little bit suspicious. But still very sunny and still very warm. So would recommend. I know they want five stars, but it's New Zealand, so we only have four. That's a flag-based joke for you, Benjamin. You got to look at both flags to appreciate it. I loved it. It reads like a three, but I know that extra star is because you got your wife from here.

I am nothing if not a corrupt reviewer. Benjamin Partridge, what did you bring into review? I'm reviewing the experience of cupping a duckling in your hand, which is something that I did this weekend. I'm going to break it down into the classic pros and cons format. I'm going to break it down into the classic pros and cons format. So pros, first pro, it's relaxing because you can't focus on anything else apart from not accidentally crushing the duckling. In much the same way that we'd all drive more carefully if we all had a baby strapped to the front of our cars,

holding a duckling at all times would provide a useful solution to the modern cluttered brain. Second pro is softness. These things are mondo soft they're like an almost unbelievable level of soft in fact when you're holding one it takes almost all of your willpower to stop yourself wiping your ass with it um third pro it makes you think about the duck that it will become when it grows up and just how delicious ducks are. Duck for me is definitely a Hall of Fame meat. In the cons, there aren't many cons, to be honest.

One is that without your glasses on, it can look like a discarded tennis ball. Do not, I repeat, do not hit it with a racket. The other is the major con, the only one major con. It's the same con that applies to all living creatures, man and beast. No matter how cute it looks, it has an anus. And this mini potential Vesuvius will leave your hand looking like

the smouldering remains of Pompeii and Herculaneum, unless you are careful. Don't make the same mistake I did this weekend. So in conclusion, cupping a duckling in your hand is the ultimate metaphor for life. If you grab it with both hands, it can be wonderful and transformative. But you have to make sure you grab the right end. With a duckling, as with so many things in life, when you hold on to it, make sure the anus is facing the other way. Four stars. Two brilliant four-star items there in our review section, which brings us to our next section,

section three, tech news, more tech news. And this is tech satire news a south korean industrial designer has made a joke which actually i think is quite a good idea it's a little eyeball that you strap to your head and every time you look down to look at your phone the eyeball opens up and alerts you if you're going to bump into anything so in in in a way uh this is a thing that i think although it was invented as a joke to draw attention to people's zombified walking around with their phones, when I look at that I think well that would be good because then I wouldn't have people walking into me in the street

Benjamin how do you feel about this? I don't like it at all It's meant to be satirical right is the idea It's not like an actual piece of technology It is an actual piece of technology but it's a sarcastic piece of technology. Yeah.

This industrial designer has actually invented this thing and it is functional. I like that in theory, but I just don't like... It's part of the moral panic around phones, which, I don't know, it feels like if you look back in history, whenever anything new is invented, there's this kind of moral panic about what it's going to do. So I'm pretty sure that when books kind of became popular,

there were people going, well, take your nose out of a book and come and bring in the harvest. There's always something new that people disapprove of. They thought it killed young women and made them infertile and too sexy. Exactly. And when they invented the train, they thought that everyone's brain was going to fall out of their head because it was going too fast and like it's just never never true and you think when we were cavemen you know and the first caveman made fire probably was

someone going well we weren't we weren't built to look at fires were we we were built to eat cold mammoth meat and diet four or what four diet 14 um yeah, so I just, I never like anything that's about people kind of dumping on technology because I just feel like, I don't know, it's like, this is the way humans are going. We just have to like, I don't know, I'm not sure what I'm saying. It felt too much like what someone's dad might say. You know, like, stop looking at your phone, look up. It is exactly like what somebody's dad would say. But it's like if somebody's dad went,

oh, you know, children pissing their lives down the drain. Why don't I just give you $50,000 to do with whatever you will and let's see what happens then? And you go, okay. Hang on. Was this guy given $50,000 to do this? No. No.

Just to be clear. I just mean in order to make a point, he's actually provided something that I think would be quite useful in the modern world. James? Yeah, I think, you know, saying to your kids in the future, you're walking outside, you're taking your phone. All right, get your head nipple. Put it on. Walk out. You know, you look like a tit head.

So get it out there. Maybe just like have a second one so it doesn't look so much like a nipple so you got the one here but then you got the one here and that can be the siren to say this tit head is not paying attention and looking at their phone and you're just going along there yeah i mean it's it's supposed to make you think about how stupid you look um when you're looking around i don't know if it does because Alice has pointed out it looks very practical. And quite cool. You look like a crazy alien. That's what he said. He said it'll make you look like a crazy alien and you'll think about your phone addiction. And I think,

what else do I want to look like? Oh, look, I mean, I think that's a matter of taste, Alice. I definitely think, you know, one man's cool as another man's nipplehead. So I just think it's got a future. And I think we should all be kind of concerned about that, but also know that we're not going to be concerned about it. Doesn't it compound the problem in that it actually allows you to keep looking at your phone because it alerts you to when you're hitting someone. So actually, in a way, it's the perfect device if you want to never look up from your phone. And so he's done the exact opposite of what he was setting out to do.

I really hate this guy. That's the end of our Section 3, which brings us to our top tips for going back to work. A lot of people are heading back into the office and having to engage with human beings after long periods of having worked from home. A few top tips for getting back into the office. Don't go anywhere near

the photocopying machine. It is much more likely to cut you than any vaccine is to give you a side effect. That lady who brought in cupcakes is just trying to mask her eating disorder by making you fat. And yes, your boss is as much of an asshole as you thought he was. It wasn't just the tonal ambiguity of email. James, have you got any suggestions for those people getting back into work underwear you just got to remember it guys all right and you spent months just like throw the pants on boom off you go all right especially for the guys out there all right because you you're a bit used to go to the bathroom then just don't worry what happens afterwards all right underwear guys keep it safe keep it safe keep it dry james

it's the new normal we need to embrace it i don't need to see those drips mate uh benjamin have you got any tips for those people going back into office life yeah i think first day back you know you need to you need to embrace the idea of the great reset you know people you know the conspiracy theorists have talked about that this is a great reset and in the office it kind of is a great reset because you can bag that that one good office chair early on um that you know that someone else bagged years ago this is your chance to actually get that good office chair now so go in first day maybe 6am nail the office chair get it in your space put like a passive aggressive sign on it saying like this is my office chair like people do in offices and that's yours now

for the next 20 years until the next pandemic. Cough on the chair. Cough on the chair. Yeah, you need, yeah, or yeah, a little bit of piss. Anything just to make sure that chair is yours now. I feel like you may not have really got into the swing of the being back among human beings, but I appreciate the Machiavellian approach. That brings us to the end of our top tips for getting back to work section. Now it's time for section four, which is religious news.

And a giant replica of Noah's Ark was sitting on the dock in Ipswich in 2000. It's been there since 2019 and has been deemed unseaworthy. A real turn up for the books. James Nwokise, you were brought up religiously. What have you got to say about this arc? I'd say, where is your god now? is what I would say. But also, I love that they have made a replica of Noah's Ark and I believe the quote is that the vessel will remain detained until the deficiencies have been put right.

Sounds like a key thing. Two of each deficiency. Yeah. Key thing of an ark, it's kind of got to, you know, be able to float during a flood. Yeah. Well, I'm fascinated by the ark of this ark, which was apparently not built to be seaworthy. But, I mean, they never say in the Bible that God gave Noah a blueprint. He just said to build a blueprint. He just

said to build a boat. Was he a boat builder? I don't know. I haven't read the Bible for a long time. There's a really great film with Russell Crowe. It's basically a documentary if you ever want to learn about it. Benjamin, how do you feel about the Ark? I mean, I don't mean to be rude. You know, people from Britain will know this. People say that East Anglia is a bit backwards as an area. But the presence of Noah's Ark is a bit on the nose i think it says that it's it's only half the size of the ark as described in the bible which means that there would only be room for one of each animal which is a particularly tragic version of the story where noah and his family just slowly watch every species of animal on earth go extinct in front

of them on a boat the funny thing about the noah story is so i i was brought up a christian i used to go to sunday school and noah is quite a big part of when you're it's quite a kidsy story isn't it because it's got all animals in it and it's one that kids can really get into a lot of childhood education is very animal based for the modern world i mean yeah we talk about the kind of the sarcasms about modern technology but you think that i've never needed to know what a cow sounded like really i've certainly never needed to know anything about a dinosaur but they were touched on quite a lot uh throughout primary school um but yeah as an adult then if you go back to the noah story and you keep reading after the bit where the boat lands

it gets super weird because i mean there's a kind of incest thing going on because obviously there's only one family left on earth but also there's a whole bit where noah um sees his son's wife naked or something and then no no that's not right he he builds a vineyard um and then gets drunk and then gets naked in front of his family and then out of, he has to go and live in a tent for a bit. I think this is a different Russell Crowe film. I think that's the one he did with Ridley Scott. I don't know if that made it into the Russell Crowe version. I mean, first of all, let's launch a podcast where you tell badly remembered Bible stories.

Secondly, I think, again, this is a wonderful idea. The idea of a shame tent for people who do things that are embarrassing because it's so often we have these embarrassments and regrets and it's very difficult to figure out when you've moved past them and when you've probably atoned for your shame I really I believe in like an infidelity shed

and a shame tent like if you've been unfaithful you have to build a thing. And then any time you have a fight with your wife for the rest of your life, you can point at the shed and be like, well, I built the shed. We're over it. I know we missed Edinburgh last year, but I feel you're just describing a festival, mate. That's a Spiegel tent. And like venue five.

That's very true. They call it the shame tent as well. You'll see things you'll be embarrassed about and the shame tent there's a replica of Noah's Ark outside inside are clowns every Edinburgh venue there's always a clown inside sometimes you can't see the clown

but it's inside the person who's pretending not to be a clown which brings us to the end of today's show let's flip through our ads and there's some ads here for mood rings remember mood rings they're back now with only two colors outraged and outraged by outrage as well as an ad for the elderly the elderly resent the thing you'll become james nukise have you got anything to plug uh i'll have a new season of eating fried chicken in the shower uh my little podcast where of Eating Fried Chicken in the Shower, my little podcast where I eat fried chicken in the shower,

coming out soon. Oh, God, that sounds good. It's really good. He talks about mental health with all sorts of interesting people. Are they also in the shower? They're also in the shower, also eating chicken. Are you in the same shower or are you in separate showers? Same shower. In the same shower.

Holy shit. Not nude. Oh, my God, you've got a new listener already. I can't wait. Benjamin Partridge, what have you got to plug? I would like to plug a newish podcast I've started doing called Three Bean Salad. It's kind of in the, you know, three wankers

having a chat genre. Myself, Mike Wozniak and Henry Packer and we've been doing it for a few weeks now and for some reason we mainly end up talking about birds, so if that's what you like. And we're not in a shower, we're not eating birds, we're just talking about birds. But yeah, do give it a go.

Three bean salad. That sounds delightful. Thank you to Stefan Chilcott for the ARC story. Send in your story suggestions to at HelloGogglers on Twitter. This is an Alice Fraser and the Bugle Podcast production. Your editor today is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'm Alice Fraser. Find me online at at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram. That's

A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E. Or sign up to my Patreon, patreon.com slash Alice Fraser, for all of my podcasts, stand-up specials, and my weekly Tea with Alice salons. I'll talk to you again next week. Bye. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Rev Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.