The Gargle - Space Diapers | Musk Bust | Goxx Gone

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

Tiff Stevenson and Alison Spittle join host Alice Fraser as she makes her glorious return to The Gargle - the world's leading topical comedy podcast with no politics. 👨🏻‍🚀 Space diapers〽️ Onstage peeing👤 Elon Musk bust🖼 NFT heist🐹 RIP Mr Goxx🍿 Reviews💦 Salmon sperm eco-cupThis episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Subscribe to our Ashes Urncast now: http://pod.link/Urncast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. A herd of kudus watches the lion, shuffling aside as the tip of a staff bobs between them. The animals part to make way for the bearer of the walking stick, an old monkey who climbs the rock. Presumably this takes some time, but we cut to him reaching the top of the rock because the viewing audience has a smaller projected attention span than a zebra. The lioness sits just back from the rock promontory with a golden bundle between her paws. She looks quite good for someone who's just given birth, manifesting in her person. The unrealistic pressures we place on new mothers. The big lion approaches and the two nuzzle

in a grotesque parody of human affection, two-dimensionally transplanted onto the animal kingdom. Where are the other wives? You don't think multiple wives in a lion pride is family friendly? Wait till you hear about the fact that lions can't legally get married, even to other lions. The old monkey, inexplicably uneaten by the new mother lioness, who, let me tell you, if she's breastfeeding, definitely needs the calories,

breaks a gourd open, dips his thumb in the juice and marks the lion cub's forehead before taking his soon-to-be deadly predator in his arms and carrying him away, not to hurl off the edge of the promontory, but to show off to the animals below who raise their heads expectantly and seem pleased about the birth of a new apex lion the animals bow to their future eater in a very pro-Ine Randian I've been listening to libertarian podcasts sort of way the title card rolls it reads welcome to the gargle the sonic glossy magazine to the bugles audio newspaper for visual world I am your host Alice Fraser I back. Your guest editors for this week are the magnificent Alison Spittel and the even more magnificent, because dressed in silk pyjamas, Tiff Stevenson. Welcome.

Hello. Hey. What is life for if it's not for wearing silky pyjamas? We'll get into the magazine in a minute, but first, let's have a look at the front page. The cover model of this week's edition is Twitter's soon-to-be-retired founder-slash-CEO Jack Dorsey posing provocatively with a mob of angry teenagers who are trying to ruin the lives of someone they've never met, armed only with the passionate need to aggressively communicate information

and enforce illusory norms they themselves have just learned. enforce illusory norms they themselves have just learned. The satirical cartoon this week is The Old Lady Who Fat-Shamed My Baby Yesterday on the Bus. And the cartoon is of her getting to the next stop and a thought bubble above her head reads, Wait a second, babies can't speak English. Who was I talking to when I said into the face of a baby, You're not going to grow up to be fat, are you?

Was I speaking to the mother, to the gods, to myself? I'd better go home right now and have a good long hard look into my own withered soul before I go diminishing the great achievement She said that to my baby's face. Oh, my God. I mean, was that a threat, though? Like, you're not going to grow up to be fat, are you? Well, she said, how old is your baby? I said, my baby is five weeks old. And she said, wow, she's really big.

And I said, yes, she is, isn't she? And then the lady said, you're not going to grow up to be fat, are you? Into my baby's face. And I didn't say, by the time she grows up, you'll be dead, so what does it matter to you, you weird adult crying? But I didn't say that. I just sat on the bus and stared at everyone. It's at times like this that you want your baby to projectile vomit on emotion alone.

Do you know what I mean? I think a bit of breast milk regurgitated up into the back of her mouth would really stop her from fat shaming babies next time. Surely that's testament to you. Yes, yes, she's growing well. I'm feeding her well the milk is good yeah this is exactly what i want is it calorific like what's the what's the vibe with uh breast milk generally like uh i know it's good for you is it on noom is it on no? I need to know I'm on Noom. Could you imagine?

How many calories with the breast milk on Noom? Am I allowed it? Oh, yeah. I'll weigh it. I'll weigh it. Two grams of breast milk. I know that you lose a bunch of calories a day when you're breastfeeding. So maybe I could get pregnant to do that.

So that's just like a great way of going on a diet. I mean,'t have to get pregnant to breastfeed you just need someone to suck on you enough all right I mean look I I made a very strong determination that I wasn't going to be one of those mum comics who couldn't talk about anything but their own child so we're gonna we're gonna move on and I definitely won't make any more jokes about pregnancy in the rest of this is that your first day off since maternity leave? People are going to be asking you. Don't put that restriction on your hood, right? Yeah, we're going to stick to clean, straight-up comedy, and we'll see what happens.

Bodily functions section now. There's a SpaceX capsule coming home on Monday, manned by a crew called Crew 2, who will be wearing nappies or adult diapers as they land from space to compensate for the toilet on board, the spacecraft malfunctioning. Tiff Stevenson, you know all about shitting in space. Can you explain this story for us? I do.

So there's a broken toilet on SpaceX. So the astronauts are actually having to wear nappies now these are not the first astronauts to wear nappies i don't know if you remember lisa nowak uh the astronaut famously war one not to go into space but to drive 900 miles to attack her ex's new girlfriend do you remember this story i do like they made a film about it but there is nothing in the trailer of the film about her shitting herself which is really really annoying to me they keep that on the down low same as when you go to space camp and in most of the movies the idea that you're off on this heroic mission is all they want to

talk about nobody tells you you're coming home with a doo-doo in your space pantalons i was very annoyed that it wasn't in the trailer because i was like there's the line there's the line from angry ex-girlfriend to completely insane and the completely insane line is the wearing of a nappy so you don't have to get out of a car so when you arrive you're shitty and angry it sort of slightly underm undermines the contention that astronauts go through intense psychological testing in order to be able to withstand the rigours of space and they get one bad dumping and then all of a sudden they're solving the problem in creative ways.

I guess that's the kind of person you want on Apollo 13 when someone blows a gasket. You want creative uses of a nappy. I like that the expedition commander of this SpaceX capsule is called Thomas Pesquet, which is almost nominative determinism. Yes, yes. I quite like that. And that he's French.

And I can only imagine how irritated he would be by this whole thing. It's not the first SpaceX toilet malfunction because on their all-tourist flight, apparently, the spacecraft's urine storage system became disconnected, allowing pooled urine to enter a fan system, which didn't cause any major problems on that flight.

But pooled urine entering a fan system is definitely a euphemism for something that happened in the 70s. It sounds like the worst slush puppy ever. Like, it's just vile. And I love that. I think it's very cute as well. Like, we're talking about toilet stuff and space travel.

And it just brings a whole new kind of light on the fray splashdown. Like it's beautiful. That's how they land as astronauts is the splashdown, you know. When you said the pooled urine, have you ever seen, did you ever see those stories it was always in magazines like take a break or woman's weekly and you'd see every now and then a story would pop up where someone got hit by a frozen block of airplane piss yes which they dump out of the thing so when you're talking about slush puppies i had a very vivid image there allison because it's blue isn't it so and that is my favorite flavor slush puppy

i think it's actually cherry contrary to how it looks or maybe it's raspberry but yes they drop out of so where does the space presumably the space piss once they unload it just floats around forever in. In space, no one can hear you piss. You know? It's just... You're so right about the magazines. I remember, I think Kenzie out of Blazing Squad once was... I swear, I'm nearly 100% sure.

I'll Google it after. Or garglers, you can Google it after. But I think a bit of piss hit his house. And nearly Donnie Darko'd him. Like, unless... Unless this is a much less cool version. I think a bit of piss hit his house and nearly Donnie Darko'd him. Unless this is a much less cool version. I'll check after. Something's telling me that this has happened to Kenzie from Blazing Squad.

I love that your niche pop knowledge meets wild and wacky 14 time style. Like going through the roof of your house. Yeah. Speaking of pooled urine entering a fan system, the Daytona Beach police are investigating musician Sophie Urista for pissing on a fan on stage. Again, another example of borderline nominative determinism.

She's the lead singer of band Brass Against, and she urinated on a willing fan just last week at the Welcome to Rockville concert. Alison Spittel, you've been to concerts before. Can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, so I've been following this for a little while because the band Brass Against, they brought out a statement on Twitter saying, this is not who we are. And I'm like, well, it seems like it very much was who you are.

It was funny watching this breaking news kind of unfold because people weren't sure whether he did consent or not. And then when it became clear that he consented, then everyone took responsibility for pissing on him. But before that, it was like, oh, this is not what we are as a band. This is not what we are as a venue. Oh, he's consented. Yeah, very much is what we are, yes.

You know? This was the thing. He was wearing, like, he seemed to be, people were suggesting that it might have been prearranged because he was wearing a GoPro or a I got to GoPro, and he was visibly excited at the end of the process. So people are suggesting it might have been a publicity stunt, which I guess answers the question that I have asked,

and I'm pretty sure you've asked. All aspiring artists have asked this question of themselves at one point or another. Who do you have to piss on around here to get free publicity? She looked great pissing on him. Her stance, she had good form. Do you know she arched her back? It was like a racehorse.

It really was. It was a strong flow. I'll say that much for it. I mean, if I was pissing on someone, number one, I wouldn't have my trousers fully down. It would go down the side of my leg. There was no stream. Do you know, I can't even piss on someone of grace

like this woman. I'd be apologising. It would be very bad. Imagine that at a stand-up gig, though, where you did have to piss on someone on stage. I mean, she was complaining on stage that she needed to pee but she couldn't find time to go and then he came up on stage at her

invitation so I feel like the consent chain was fairly easily trackable. But I complain on stage all the time about nobody giving me extravagant gifts and no one has ever leapt on stage in a gopro with a boner to offer me a massive box of fancy snacks oh I didn't notice the boner when I saw that video and now the idea that there was a secret boner in it has made it even more upsetting well yeah now I feel violated now yeah, I didn't consent to the boner. I didn't. I just consented to like accidentally opening

a few weeks back on Twitter and going, what is this? Oh, she's pissing on him. Wow. And then, do you know what? It's the fact that one person complained so now they're opening an investigation. Oh my God.

Like one person went on to phone the police and complained about it. And they said, you've got to go in or someone contacted them via Facebook. And they said, go to the police and lodge a complaint. And I think it's for, I don't know if it's for indecent exposure or whether it was urinating in public,

but we have different laws here. So she should have been fine if she was here. Cause she just, she just have to say, I heard the guy that I was pissing on was a policeman yeah i was pregnant and it's his fault for forgetting his helmet because that's a that's an old urban legend isn't it for like men are allowed to pee up against the back wheel of a car as long as they have their right hand really on top on the on top of the car yeah these are like old i don't think public urination is chargeable in the uk and the other one was a woman can pee in public

if she's pregnant and uh and she goes in a policeman's house Why are we so stupid here? That's what I need to know. I need to know why we're so stupid. It's a lot less rock and roll, but it is, it does feel very us. Yeah. Yeah. All cops are covered in piss. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy.

Now in four easy installments of $9.99. But where nine is the German word for no. Yes. Smashing out a bilingual pun on my return from maternity leave just to show that nothing's changed and I'm still as awful as ever. Motherhood has not affected my interests or comedy subject matter at all. Now to the ads. Are you suffering from temporary pelvic numbness

after pushing a massive baby through a delicate section of your body? Can you not tell if you need to do a wee or not? Avoid overloading your bladder by keeping a bladder diary, which constitutes going to the toilet every three hours whether you need to or not because you can't tell and then recording how often and how much you urinate in the worst version of the quantified life anyone could possibly imagine. Every half hour, limit your intake of water to half a glass and think about how you never imagined that you might miss sculling a litre of water and doing a massive wee.

One day, sensation might return. Until then, half a glass of water. A full circle of the full circle. Oh, gross. Gross. I'm so sorry. I don't choose the ads I read. I just listen to my brain and then write them down. Are you tired of crypto bros recommending you buy their magic beans on the way to market? Are you worried about the terrifying reality of money you have to keep believing in like Tinkerbell or it'll disappear with all of your hopes? Are you worried the dubious nature of cryptocurrency will make you question real money? Try Rogan

coin. The only coin you can guarantee will seem deeply plausible to uber drivers everywhere. I don't know if that's punching down. I think it's almost but not quite punching down. Joe Rogan is marginally taller than I am. Ah! And are you happy with your life? Are you maybe too happy? The heights of happiness are just setting you up for a massive fall. Try toning down your happiness

with a dose of ennui. Now ennui in five boring flavours that will leave you languishing in a greyscale monotony forever. Beige, office life, tax forms, teenager and France. Ennui. Ha ha! Every sport has their big, juicy controversy.

Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. Acast.com And now it's time for your Heroes of the Revolution section. Hero of the Revolution number one, Mr. Elon Musk, is now the subject of, I think, the worst piece of merch ever. If you want to be like Elon Musk, but your parents don't have an emerald mine, you can get a desktop bust and a custom iPhone 13 Pro design that is dedicated to the muskinator, which nobody's ever called him,

but I'm sure he pretends people have called him. Tiff Stevenson, you're really into Elon Musk. Can you explain this story? It is my favourite fragrance. So this Elon Musk bust that you can buy i mean i don't i don't think it's that ridiculous to have an image or an effigy of a billionaire you admire you know hundreds of thousands of people have miniature blue origin space rockets in their bedside drawer as a tribute to jeff bezos i imagine um i had a look on the website and it's basically, they're selling this on a website called Caviar,

the Elon Musk bust. And the Caviar website is basically Claire's accessories for people with too much money. They bling up phones. That's all they do. They just like bling up phones, put little, like in Claire's it's Diamante, here it's real diamonds. But they also have busts of Jack Ma, the Alibaba founder, and Steve Jobs.

So if you buy all three busts, you can prove once and for all for anyone who comes to your house that you have no taste and no friends. But don't worry. No one is coming to your house. So it's fine. It's more money than you have. I was going to say more money than sense. But listen, people can spend their money on what they want, but money can't buy taste, maybe.

I mean, more money than sense doesn't really work in a dollar-based economy. It only works in the UK because you have pounds. But you have exactly as much money as you have sense in Australia. It's a very odd scenario because they're also selling, like, the mobile phone has melted down Tesla in it, which it just sounds like

it's made out of scrap metal. It doesn't matter like what kind of, you know, car has gone into it. It's just, it's just scrap. Yeah, but this is special

scrap metal, Alison Spittel. This is scrap metal that fails a lot of the safety tests that other cars seem to get through. Yeah. Yeah. Also, you know, Jordan Peterson tweeted this week as well

that there's a bust available of him for $8,000. And I've seen the bust. And it really is... It doesn't look like him. It looks like a Disney Prince version of Jordan Peterson which would be horrible can you imagine Ariel

not being able to talk while Prince Eric is going yes that is your gender you know it's just actually a Disney Prince version of Jordan Peterson is just Mickey Mouse because they sound the same

don't they they're just what just Mickey Mouse because they sound the same, don't they? They're just... What does Mickey Mouse sound like? Jordan Peterson. Mickey Mouse sounds like, Oh, Minnie! Minnie, you've got a bow on your head! You're a female, Minnie!

You're a female! Make your bed. That's what Mickey Mouse sounds like. I think. I think he does. Is there any busts that just look like a bust? Like it would make more sense than they would be like more traditional. It's just a nice rack.

Someone's bought a cast iron i've got a bust of marcus aurelius and a nice pair of double d's yep yeah with no head on it just the way i like it you know i like my i like my chest plates like i like my women headless i mean i mean i mean a bust of elon musk a real life bust of elon musk is just doesn't feel like it's in the spirit of crypto idiocy. Like what you should be doing is paying $1,000 for a limited edition screenshot of a picture of an imaginary bust of Elon Musk. Yeah. Or like a Pickle Rick version of Elon Musk or something. Just an Elon Musk face

made of pickles I genuinely think someone has bought that we need to start being mean to people like Elon Musk and the nerds and the geeks again in general I used to do stand up about this years and years ago because here's the problem

if we let the tech entrepreneurs or we let the geeks be happy, then they stop advancing things. They stop creating cool stuff. I don't want him getting together with Grimes and having kids because I want him in a state of loneliness where he's forced to think about what cool shit he might invent. And I think we have to start being mean to geeks again well science in every in every in every sort of in every bit of it really if we

want innovation and invention we can't have people out there leading happy fulfilled lives um i also think that that he is trying to move into our area as well i mean he's like a billionaire like stay off snl el know what are you doing i don't come to your work and knock the charging plug out your ass stay off snl i mean in terms of like bullying nerds and things not that i ever did because i was i was a bullied child but i just feel like the rise of the tech bro is the perfect example of the reality that just because you're oppressed doesn't mean you're not an arsehole yeah i mean if we're all stating that we didn't bully i would like to state for the record that i didn't either and uh i also did get bullied um but that hasn't changed my mind about how we should uh just be horrific to people now so that they keep making cool shit

i don't want you out on dates i want a new iphone thank you just be horrific to people now so that they keep being cool shit. I don't want you out on dates. I want a new iPhone. Thank you. Speaking of things that are worth nothing, the biggest heist in art history has taken place with somebody right-clicking every NFT that has ever been put out. Alison Spittel, you like art history, or at least you're Catholic, so it's basically the same thing.

Can you unpack this story? So this story, this person is an artist themselves. They're from Australia, aren't they? And they basically, they've right-clicked on every NFT in history just to show how shit it is. And it's a thing called NFT Bay. They right- click and save.

So this, for anyone who doesn't know how to use a computer, this is a podcast. But if you right click on an image, you can save it. And they've saved every single NFT, an image of every single NFT on a centralized server. And they have them on this NFT Bay, just to clarify the technology here for the people who don't understand technology.

It's not news, is it? It's like in other news, the sky is blue. If you wanted anything out of NFTs, you had to get in early while the scam was still fresh, I think. You know, like fidget spinners. I'll tell you what, if you got in fidget spinners early doors, you'd be minted now.

Well, I love the idea of NFTs. I love the idea that artists could be paid for their works if they've given out works for free that have had a massive cultural impact. They can sort of retrospectively receive some of the meme credit for creating that work. But at the same time, everyone I know who's enthused about it is awful. So it sort of tainted the brand for me a little. Also, I tried to NFT a tweet and people came at me really aggressively about the environmental impact and i was like ah

artists are better than money we're the ones who have to be better than money i didn't even know you could do nft a tweet the first one i saw nft anything tiff that's the thing about them i thought it was like a dunk in basketball that someone wanted to own. And then I didn't feel that bad that if someone had seen that because I thought the basketball players get paid a lot, a lot of money. But someone just wanted that specific. And then I saw someone was doing a clip of stand-up NFTing it. But like I say, I think if you got in in the gold rush,

the early days of the NFTs, then you might have got something out of it and unless people are still buying them are people still buying them people are still buying them tiff because most of the things you can do with cryptocurrency are illegal so you've got to find something to do with it i've invested in crypto i need to need this to have some i have some crypto i have some shares some of them went up insanely high. I had some SHIB shares. I didn't put very much in, to be fair. But I have no idea what I'm doing.

What I need is like a male version of Margot Robbie in the bath, in the big short. I just need a guy with his balls floating in some imperial leather breaking it all down for me. Well, speaking of not knowing what you're doing, Tiff, that brings us to our obituary section, an unfortunate loss to the cryptocurrency world. Mr. Gox, the trading hamster, has died,

showing that however imaginary money might be, life and death are real, especially for hamsters. Mr. Gox became internet famous for his ability to often outperform human investors using his specially built trading cage. But until he died on Tuesday, and look, the most amazing thing to me about the Mr. Gox phenomenon is that his ability to outperform human investors in crypto trading led to an increase in respect and value for the hamster rather than a decrease in respect and value for speculative imaginary currency trading.

I think it's Mr. Gox. He'll be remembered alongside all the other animal science luminaries, you know, like Pavlov's dog, Schrodinger's cat, and Richard Gard gears gerbil as i say i've started trading a bit of crypto this is how mr gox does it is basically how i do it so my my boyfriend puts distances next to a selection of shit coins and however long i run on the treadmill for that morning i invest in what the distance corresponds to uh then he puts buy and sell stickers and amounts on different things in the fridge. And whatever I eat is what we invest.

And it's working out really well. Well, his owners who are in Germany said that what we personally learned from this project has little to do with crypto, which is good to know because that's also true for literally everybody else. Hopefully part of what they learned is how to look after their next hamster better. Yeah. Do you think they learned like what hamsters can't eat? We've learned that grapes are poisonous to hamsters and next time we will do better. How did Mr. Cox die?

It doesn't get into detail about that. I think you can't look too deeply into how any hamster dies because hamsters are just very delicately balanced on the razor edge of existence at all times. There's not much you can do to keep a hamster alive, really. I want an autopsy. This person was a financial mastermind. It could have been, you know, it could have been Elon Musk.

Sabotage. Yeah. I'm putting it out there. Elon Musk killed a hamster. If he could go into space, he can hire someone to kill a hamster. If he could go into space, he can hire someone to kill a hamster. Yeah, he was crushed by a massive bust of Elon Musk that he bought with his own ill-gotten

crypto gains. That's all the time we have for our Heroes of the Revolution section now, because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, every week our guest editors bring in a thing to review out of five stars. Tiff Stephens, what have you brought in to review this week? guest editors bring in a thing to review out of five stars. Tiff Stevens, what have you brought in to review this week? I've brought in tights.

So as they call them in America, pantyhose, which sounds like a gross dude's nickname for his penis. Have you seen the holes? The pantyhose. That is gross. So types of tights or pantyhose. There's the pop sock, which for those that don't know, that is a piece of flesh-coloured stocking that cuts off appealingly mid-calf. Because as we know, the middle of the calf is the most appealing section to cut off. Hopefully trap in a varicose vein.

And tights come in two sizes, hanging around your knees or choking you there's no mid ground on on the size of tights um so this is what we need we need someone to invent like tights that actually fit so that they're not around my knees or not choking me and uh i'll tell you what there's there's just too many um potential pitfalls when wearing tights like once i wore them a pair ofs, and we were about to go out for a night out. And they had a ladder in them. And Paul said to me, do you know what I've always really wanted to do? I've always really wanted to take a pair of tights with a ladder in them and rip them off in a sexy fashion. Do you think I could do that?

And I said, probably not. They've got a reinforced gusset. sexy fashion do you think i could do that and i said probably not they've got reinforced gusset that is i mean speaking of boner killers that is that will get rid of an erection quicker than a picture of churchill all around tights not fitting properly pop socks the fact they call them pantyhose in america the fact that they ladder really quickly and sometimes, you know, like if you're getting a pair of fashion tights, they can be like 10 or 15 pounds upwards of 20 for a really fancy pair.

They just don't last. So I'm giving tights a tight two and a half out of five stars. Yeah, it was four, but then it got caught on the edge of something. We lost two stars. I keep getting advertised snag tights on instagram uh just as much as online counseling it's like instagram it's like you're mentally ill and also your legs look like shit

mate you need to and i think either one of those could solve my issues like i do think either online counseling or snag tights would have my mate was on a lot of people i know go on house of games and i love that show so much and i was looking you were on it yes like genuinely it's me and my boyfriend's like favorite program to watch and uh i was looking up on twitter i typed in the house of games hashtag because i just wanted to see if other people were talking about it and i found this found this man who looks at women wearing tights on television and catalogues them and puts them on YouTube. And he even has specific categories.

And it's just, I don't know if this is, it's not funny, but it's informative. I mean, it's definitely creepy, but let's keep going. I know. Is this your review, Alison? Well, I think he'd be very good at reviewing. This guy has a lot to say. I have a tip for snagging tights before we do your bit of a review. I thought you were going to say like fetishists.

What's your tip for like? The tip for ladders and tights is you know how in the war women would draw a seam up the back of their legs because tights had seams in those days and so they would just draw a seam up the back of their legs because tights had seams in those days and so they would just draw a line up the back of their legs to make it look like they were wearing tights. My solution to ladders in tights is just colouring your legs. Colour them in and then you get the joy of an adult colouring book,

Alison Spittel, and you don't have to do therapy. So it's covering all of your Instagram boxes. Genuinely, everything I do in my life is to not pay for therapy. And it's not working. So I'm reviewing the House of Gucci film, but it's more the experience of watching the House of Gucci film. So on Saturday, i went to see a noon uh 12 o'clock showing of house of gucci in my new local cinema uh totally empty i went there

with my own microwave popcorn and tea in a flask and i genuinely felt like i'd broke into 50 cents house and i was using his personal cinema. It was an amazing experience. I was there on my own. The fat suit that Jared Leto wore, it was hilarious. Have you seen the House of Gucci trailer? So Jared Leto plays a man called Paolo who I googled not even fat. The man in real life

was not even fat. But they were like, no, we've got to put a fat suit on Jared Leto. You know they didn't say that. You know that Jared Leto just brought a fat suit to set one day. I swear. Because he goes so far in with the Italian accent as well. He's always trying to, boom! And with the fat suit, he looks like a cross between a Dalmio puppet

and Nutty Professor the Clumps. Like, honestly, it's like Dalmio Clumps. Like, that's what it, which could be a good product. You know? Dalmio clumps. I would buy that. I would. Also, the accents are incredible.

It's two hours, 40 minutes long. And the person that they based it on, this woman, the Yerwan Gucci, I can't remember her first name. She, so she assassinated her husband,

which is fair enough. Not fair, I mean, like, just, she went to prison first name she so she assassinated her husband which is fair enough not fair i mean like she went to prison and she had a she had an emotional support ferret this is in real life and uh another prisoner killed the emotional support parrot by sitting on it by accident this was never depicted in the film they depicted tax avoidance but they thought no let's not put in the emotional support ferret let's show the tax avoidance in but they thought, no, let's not put in the emotional support for it. Let's show the tax avoidance

in this two hour, 40 minute film. So I'm giving it, I'm giving it a two out of five. And there's a fantastic, not to be rude or anything, right? There's a great sex scene in it. There's a, like Adam Driver just absolutely hoofs it into Lady Gaga.

You know, I was very glad i was in that cinema on my own i was very glad two out of five two out of five you put a sneaky hole in the bottom of your own popcorn i'm really scrabbling around for that popcorn like repeatedly I'm like where is this colonel definitely not in that corner what is that woman doing

she's been in that same corner for five minutes now it's making her really angry why is that woman so angry? Why is she so angry? She's got popcorn. She should be happy. It's really hard to get out though.

She's had one piece repeatedly. Why does she keep saying, go on! Well, you think I come like Mrs. doyle like go on go on go on no i was thinking more adam driver on the screen when he's putting it in go on go on with yourself that's what i was thinking more like that sounded like the start of a bewitched song go on with yourself sometimes i like to go to the cinema on my own start of a Bewitched song go on with yourselves stay lovely sometimes I like to go to

the cinema on my own oh alright that's all the time we have I mean this

is all going in otherwise I'm not doing this podcast again that's what Adam Driver said

yeah driver said. Alright, now it's time for your animal jerks section. Speaking of jerking, this is our time for our animal jerks section. New environmental news now, a leap forward upstream has taken place.

There's an environmentally friendly material being used to make plastic. Alison Spiegel, can you explain this half a glass of water for us? They're making cups out of salmon sperm, Alice. I can't believe it. And vegetable oil, which squicked me out even more. I was like, salmon sperm I can get on board with, but vegetable oil which squicked me out even more i was like salmon sperm i can get on board with but uh vegetable oil so it's a like what that what i found like personally hilarious about the story so it's like a it's like a group in china they're looking up how to make like

eco-friendly alternatives to plastic and uh what's funny reading the story here is like by the way they must have watched uh something about mary and got really inspired but uh they create their own raw materials from salmon sperm the dna carries the genetic code for every living thing on earth and a study from 2015 estimates that there are around 50 billion tons of dna on this planet right which means that they could technically make the plastic out of other sustainable sources such as waste material from crops, algae, or bacteria, or salmon sperm. I mean, how did they, how much salmon sperm, was there just like a load of salmon sperm lying around? And then they're like, we've got to make something from it.

And this is a question for me because it really shows the sort of relative value of sperm versus eggs. Like salmon eggs, that's caviar. That shit is like fancy. But salmon sperm, so abundant, so cheap cheap we're making plastic out of it what's mad is the material that they've made this from because it's made from vegetable oil and a dna and they found the dna from the sperm it's called hydrogel which is genuinely a product that i use on my face like i have a cream called hydrogel and now i'm like reading the ingredients gone they didn't tell me about this every cream that all the products for us and the makeup they always have

the consistency and the look of jizz anyway like it's obsessive like i have like an eye serum and i'm like oh this is just i'm so just gonna put this jizz around my eyes then that's just monday morning why why is it everything so jizzy looking i know and it stings just as much tiff if you get it in your eye you know it really does clean up in our fall ladies this is a very jizzy episode let's we're getting jizzy with it okay we're not afraid to go there and uh i want to know like who will be jerking like they're they're looking for like salmon sperm and stuff and uh even whale to know like who will be jerking like they're they're looking for like salmon sperm and stuff and uh even whale sperm i saw there was something about whale sperm there

and um i want to know who's jerking off these whales like how do you get that job not that i really want it but i figure like if it is going to save the world if it is going to be like a new incredible plastic surely uh if you're jerking off salmon or whales, you're like an oil baron. You know, you can just do what you like. I can murder who I want if I jerk off all the whales because the power is with me and the energy and everything like that. And yeah, I feel like I'll have Beyonce

playing at my birthday. I'll kill a few people, cover it up, and it'll all be good. I'm not interested in the whale sperm. i'm not interested in the in the whale sperm i'm just interested in the vomit so i'm going to be i'm going to be a perfume in the ambergris that's the bait did you know yes some yeah you know that yeah that's the base of most perfumes just get someone to describe pandeos to you and then you can start your own perfume empire yeah have you seen the cup that they they've made out of uh the salmon sperm it does look like a cup made out of sperm is that the unfortunate reality it genuinely looks like a

cup that someone obsessed with you has made for you i've made it from me genuinely and it i bet there would be someone like here's half a cup of me alice you know and there you're given like and the other thing is like uh it's environmentally friendly right to jerk off we've discovered really if you if you're if you're the sperm is is gonna save the world and i think we should get the people that uh you know uh make nfts and trade nfts and trade cryptocurrency because we know that's bad for the environment, we should get them to jerk off. I think it'd be like using hydropower.

Use the power of jerking off to save this world. And we could do it. It would be incredible. Wank for humanity. Wank for humanity. I mean, to be honest, I've wanked someone for a lift home. So if it's to save the world, I'll do it. You know what i mean

let's go on to our nice clean uh trend section now our nice clean trend section uh if you've heard about this trend youth and and other youth adjacent people yassification have you heard about it oh yeah this is a type of it's almost like a meme isn't it where someone has yassified uh old old pictures to make them look beautiful. Yes, so they put beauty filters, these sort of distorting beauty filters on classic works. And it can be very funny and beautiful. So in that vein, I have audio yassified some classic literary works, making them more beautiful in that very online way. So it was the best of times.

It was the hashtag blessed of times. But make sure to take self-care of yourself, Queen. Mental health is a real thing. And if you're not taking the time to do your yoga retreat on the beach, you'd better keep scrolling, girlfriend. And then the next one is call me Ishmael, open brackets, he slash him, close brackets. And on the seventh day, God took a break from Facebook.

If you really want to contact him you know his number and that's our audio yassification section which brings us to the end of today's episode of the gargle uh flipping through our ad section allison spittle have you got anything to plug i got my podcast with a misfortune on my other podcast the allison spittle show I'm on Twitter at Alison Spittel and Instagram at Alison Spittel as well. Yeah. And Tiff Stevenson,

you have to run off to do fancy television things, so you hardly need my little podcast. I'm very jealous. To plug you, but what have you got to plug? Oh, just coming, my tour dates are sort of finished now, but I've got a couple of things coming up in the new year. So a new show, a new show. So come see that, I think, at the Vault Festival.

And follow me on Twitter and Instagram and all the other things as well. And I'll be doing a show on the 9th of December at the Comedy Store in Sydney, which I have not yet written. And I'm not going to have time to write because I'm busy keeping a small, helpless being alive. So come along if you want to have a very strange experience alongside me at the Comedy Store on the 9th of December. I'm doing a show

on the 14th. I'm so sorry. I'm doing a 14th of December. I'm doing a preview of my new show called Wet Wipe in the Bill Murray. So go check that out. My aunt will be coming too. Join her. On the 14th I might come to that. I forgot I'm doing Old Ropes on the 13th of December at the Comedy Store forgot I'm doing Old Ropes on the 13th of December

at the Comedy Store so I should plug that nice so line up that week for yourselves thank you so much for listening you've been listening

to The Gargle I'm your host Alice Fraser The Gargle is a Bugle Podcast and Alice Fraser Production your editor is Ped Hunter

the executive producer is Chris Skinner I'll talk to you again next week. Hello. I, Andy Zaltzman, and the magnificent, comedian, and certifiable Australian Felicity Ward are teaming up again for the Bugle Ashes Earncast. Felicity and I are going to spend the next few weeks

watching Joe Root's heroic England roar to a sensational against-most-of-the-odds victory over the wilting, baggy greens of Australia. Stroke, watching Joe Root's pleasingly plucky England put up a surprisingly decent showing against Australia before losing by a much more respectable margin than they might have done. Stroke, watching Joe Root's England slump to the now-traditional, quadrennial, humiliative thwacking by Australia. Delete, according to A, national allegiance, B, level of optimism, C, level of delusion, and D, cold, hard, history-endorsed probability. So join me, Felicity, and our guests as we document for all posterity this momentous 2021-22 series in the Bugle Ashes Earncast. Yes, the Bugle and crickets are coming together again,

but this time without anything else getting in the way. Available in every single proper podcast app. Warning, the Bugle Ashes Earncast may feature some or all of the following. Speculation on crickets' various existential crises. Advice on what parts of your body not to share pictures of. Further discussions on how to turn a watermelon into a hat. And stats. There will be stats. Probably quite a lot of stats.