The Gargle - Space | Rice babies | Crosswords

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

Julia Clare and Kate Willett from the Reply Guys podcast join host Alice Fraser for episode 24 of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle WITH NO POLITICS! 🛰 Musk space adverts🤑 More weird crypto☄️ Golden asteroid that can make us all rich🍚 Japanese rice babies👠 Fashion tips for the over 30s✍️ Cross words over puzzle changeThis is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a podcast listener. Welcome to The Gargle, the sonic fad in a world gone mad. All the news, none of the politics. We are the audio glossy magazine to The Bugle's newspaper for a visual world. I am your host, Alice Fraser. And yes, that was the opening line of Franz Kafka's most famous short story.

Man becomes cockroach and things go downhill from there. If you want the synopsis and you're trying to sell that story to Hollywood, you'd have to tell them it's like Game of Thrones meets Jaws in space, but with opaque authoritarianism. And then they wouldn't buy it off you until it was a love story. Actually, in the Hollywood reboot of Waiting for Godot, Godot shows up with a boombox at the airport, and they all get married at the end.

Did you know the original pitch for How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days was just the full script of Waiting for Godot, and that's what it became in the end. And your guest editors this week are Julia Clare and Kate Willard. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having us. Thank you. I'm very excited to be here, and it's early.

This is the first thing I'm doing. It's early for comedians. I'm sure it's not early for regular people in the world, but I'm excited to be here, and everyone can hear my early morning baritone voice. Well, let's have a look at the magazine. Your cover model this week is Rihanna posing as a billionaire, which is to say however the f*** she wants.

The satirical cartoon this week is Prince Andrew announcing that being sued in a New York court is purely a medical exercise to try and get his sweat glands working again. And headlines on the front page include a how-to guide, how to get angry about celebrity bathing habits like you're ever going to have to smell them, Ginger Meggs' 100th birthday, what is his secret,

and Friends fans react to the news that Jennifer Aniston and David Schwimmer are reportedly dating after the famous reunion which sounds like nonsense to me also in breaking news Gary despair as news breaks in the UK that no baby hasn't been named Gary since 1993 you're a full Gary extinction only alleviated by the high proportion of creepy Gary's dating way younger than is appropriate which should keep the scatterplot of the Gary gene pool spread over time.

I am just now imagining a baby named Gary and it's the funniest thing I've ever thought of. Is Gary like, is Gary the full name? I guess it is, right? But Gary feels like one of those names where it should be the nickname. Well, I think Gary is the nickname. I think people have been called Gareth since 1993, but i feel like the assertiveness of calling your child gary

sort of there's a very particular package of assumptions it feels like naming a baby bob or something like that people have done worse hello this is my my son bob he's a small infant yep I like the new trend for giving babies very old lady names you know Edith and things oh I love that like an Edith in a playground oh my gosh a little baby named like Ruth my grandmother's name my grandmother's name was uh Doris. I'd name the f*** out of a baby with that name. Well, our first section this week is our crypto section. Weird stuff people are doing with crypto news. Our first story is an Elon Musk story. I know you're a big fan of Elon Musk.

Julia, Claire, can you unpack this story for us a little? So Elon Musk is, as so many billionaires are is that is the trend these days um taking one of his uh phallic rockets or something like that and is going to launch a satellite that will display ads in space because the world is not dark enough, presumably. Just one of the saddest days for humanity I've heard in a long time. Every billionaire story that involves space does make me want to shoot myself into the sun. Well, so this is the thing. They're going to be selling the ad space for cryptocurrency, which is good news for crypto bros, because finally they'll have something to spend their money on.

Right. And I use money in heavy quote marks there but also i feel like this journey towards space is all well and good for like the ambition of humankind and everything but do they know that earth is already in space like in if you think of it the right way we're already there they don't seem to know that well i think that the the thing is julia and i've talked about this on our show a lot and these guys this is a this is a long-term ploy to um become like a feudal overlords right because there's some kind of labor restrictions on earth and so they want to yeah no this is i wish i was joking but they want to in space you have to pee in a bottle yeah yeah they want to i mean it's the only way to do it in zero gravity yeah they're like in space they

will be in charge and they can you know exploit people free from any kind of labor laws or whatever um and they can be like the space rulers everybody in space is a feudal libertarian and you know there are no rules and that's why billionaires, billionaires love it. I mean there's a lot of lithium in asteroids is all I'm saying and we need rechargeable batteries. Wow. I mean it just gets deeper and deeper. In other wild crypto news, people are using cryptocurrency and automated algorithms in decentralized finance lending protocols. Kate Willett, you just woke up. Can you explain this complicated crypto plot? I will try. Okay, so I don't really understand what a decentralized lending protocol is.

But basically, like people put the cryptocurrency into a pot uh some people like lend the cryptocurrency out to make a profit and then the people who put the cryptocurrency into the pot share the profit and then sometimes the investors get government's tokens which means like the right to decide how to run the pot i don't know this is a mean, basically I think this is, you know, it's like an investment contract, but with cryptocurrency. Yes. The great thing about this is if you were doing this with people or if people were doing this,

then it would be heavily regulated by the SEC. But in fact, these are people who are making algorithms do it for them. And it's like when you're playing tip or tag in school and you're touching the immunity bar so no one can get you that's their plan yet to be tested in a court of law but I'm sure it will be sooner or later crypto Bros are like something that I have really dealt with a lot in the Bay area because that's like where the kind of crypto scene emerged and I used to live there and I remember being at like parties in like 2008 right

as like uh bitcoin was really sort of starting to take off and um there's this one dude in particular that i'm never gonna forget that he told me um that like bitcoin was gonna lead to like a utopian future and um everyone was gonna be immortal immortal because there was going to be a pill developed to take to make everyone immortal and actually um this is my favorite part that um it would be really easy to have sex because chicks would be extremely horny because they would be so excited about being immortal that they would just want to have sex all the time so this is the mentality that's going on here. Oh, nothing gets me hornier on a date

than knowing that it will never end. Yeah, I was just going to say, I can't think of anything that would make me just dry as a corn husk as the idea of living forever. Well, yeah, all those Shakespearean carpe diem poems are like, lady, we don't got time. we've got to bang now before you think about it. Exactly.

But if it's like, you've got heaps of time, it's not really. Oh, I have all the time in the world? I have all the time in the infinite universe? We're never, no, goodbye, forever. You're at section now because capitalism is a bear trap around your ankle and we're going to sell you the only toothpaste that'll sharpen your teeth enough to painlessly gnaw your leg off at the knee. This is a public service announcement sponsored by the agglomeration of unfortunately sentient pieces of the internet who've been watching us for long enough that they've formed an opinion

and here it is. Never send a long email trying to sort out something emotional. You're not as good a writer as you think you are. Horrifyingly, most of the apocalypse so far has been heavily driven by consistent failure in reading comprehension. See you on the other side of the singularity. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by toddlers, each one facing the horrifying wave of emotion attendant on coming to terms with the reality that they're not, as they hitherto assumed, the centre of the universe, but instead quite small and helpless in the face of things like what shape hamburger buns should be or how apple that is.

Think about what happened to the church when it had to contend with merely the theory that the Earth was not the centre of the solar system. Essentially, every toddlerhood is the reformation. Cut them some slack. Toddlers, melting down in a park near you. And if you're dealing with a toddler having big emotions, try half a glass of water. If they won't drink it, you can.

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Now it's time for our space section. Interestingly enough, not the same as the Elon Musk sending ads into space section. This is a space money section. This is such a wild story. Yeah, Julia, you've thrown rocks before yes what's happening here so nasa is launching a mission to study an asteroid uh that is currently hurling through space that is purported to be worth more than $10,000 quadrillion. I don't know if I'm pronouncing that number correctly or if I'm saying that right,

because that's a number that just doesn't exist. It's supposed to contain so much precious metal that everyone on Earth would be a billionaire. Yeah, as with so much science journalism, the person writing this article has failed to understand how both science and money work right right if there were that much precious metal on earth it would not be precious metal that's not how preciousness works and also you know just how humanity works not everyone on earth would become a billionaire someone would become a 10 000 quadrillionaire and

the rest of us would have exactly as much money as we currently do now maybe even a little bit less yeah somehow they've just it's an often left out part of the story of the dinosaurs that they all became quadrillionaires before they were extinguished by the extremely valuable asteroid that hit them. And as we've already established, everyone in space is a libertarian. So no one is paying taxes. There is no redistribution of wealth whatsoever. It's just a bunch of Elon Musks up there. But the chicks are super horny. They're going to live forever. It's like that Oasis song. That's true. In space, no one can hear you roll your eyes. Yeah. You you know you can't argue with science in that way that's all the time we have for our space section because

now it's time for our reviews as with every week each of our guest editors brings in a thing to review out of five stars uh kate what have you brought us to review i'm gonna review my cat just one of them specifically uh my cat little pearl i'm gonna go with three out of five stars because all right on the positive side you know she's extremely cute like she does like to snuggle uh in my lap um a lot you know but on the negative side a lot of time when she wants to snuggle it's because i'm doing my work um she she a lot. She's not as good at washing as the other cats. She's really sort of a celebrity about it. And also, she really is super conceited.

She thinks she's like a little queen. So yeah, I think a three out of five, Little Pearl. Yeah. Excellent. And Julia, what have you brought us in to review? Well, I was also going to review my cat. But on the fly, I will review getting a history bachelor's degree which i did in one sense it made me a more curious person it made me a better writer it made me think more

critically in the other sense um i still live with 1000 roommates and I regularly eat food that is left over from my friends so I will say three out of five stars to getting a history degree hey three out of five stars but it read like a four speaking of mixed reviews this brings us on to the saddest, happiest story of this week, which is the rice baby story. Parents in Japan who've just had children unable to visit their families due to pandemic restrictions have been sending bags of rice to their relatives with pictures of their baby's faces on them. Kate Willett, how do you feel about a bag of rice baby? Well, I feel like one important detail here is that it's supposed to, the bag of rice is the exact same weight as the baby. It's like they try to emulate the baby. I mean, to me, yeah, I'm into it. I love carbohydrates. So probably it smells

better than a normal baby. Quieter. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's all have rice babies. I mean, the upside, of course, of a baby is if you submerge it in water, it doesn't immediately explode. But, Julia? That's true. And, you know, to the point of water, you can also, you know, if your iPhone gets wet, you can put it in the baby and the rice baby and maybe it'll have a second life. I think it's a pretty innovative solution to a complex problem and I celebrate them. I think my favorite is a quote from Naruo Ono, who's the owner of the rice shop, which is that we decided to make bags of rice that the

same weight and shape as the baby so relatives could hold them and feel the cuteness no no no no no i mean the idea that the that the quality of a baby's cuteness is inherent in its exact heft i feel is uh maybe distracting you from the actual cuteness of the baby which is its infinite potential that it'll take years and years to live down right and we've also all held a bag of rice before it's a very different experience than holding yeah has to be said it has to be said and you know to kate's point yes uh you can then use the rice for you know for consumption for for nutrition i don't know does that feel weird though is it traumatic to eat that bag of rice if you know that it's your substitute baby do you feel bad i don't know

we'll never know someone will have to send me a baby-sized bag of rice for us to test this yeah this is the worst influencer in the world is like i should be asking for expensive skin products instead i'm asking someone for a bag of rice exactly the heft of a baby please send me a baby rice baby does it sounds wrong um it sounds like a slur or like a pejorative euphemism and I'm immediately uncomfortable saying it. It sounds like the perfect song lyrics for a reboot of Vanilla Ice's classic work. Come on, come on, go with me on that. All right, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'm really easily persuadable.

Well, that's all the time we have for rice baby news because now it's time for your pullout section pullout section now things not to wear for the woman over 30 a crop top you are a grown woman lush in the promise of your mature sensuality a crop top will overwhelm the senses of the week shield them from your vast ocean of sexiness by leading them gently to water with a high-necked polo top that merely hints at your power with strategic cutouts in the underarm or belly button areas. High heels. You're old enough to know how tall you are. Lies are for the young. Brightly coloured hair. Beware of brightly coloured hair in your 30s. The complicated language of colours may mean you're signalling violent allegiance to a particular underground cause organized on secret reddit forums that's all the time we have for your pullout section now because now it's time

for our puzzle section and this is for the new york times uh where i assume you're you're closer to there than i am given that i'm in australia and you're both in the americas kate can you explain this story for us well, so the crossword has been available, the New York Times crossword, which is very popular, I guess, among people who don't have anything to do with their lives. I don't know. But it used to be available on third party apps. And now it is not available on third party apps. It's only available on the New York Times website or app. And crossword fans, I guess, are like a very vocal group who have strong feelings about this and are very angry.

And know how to articulate exactly what they want to say. Yeah. Yeah. It's seven across. It starts with an F and it ends with an O. Yeah. Crossword fans write the worst hostage notes Seven across. It starts with an F and it ends with an O. Crossword fans write the worst hostage notes because they're really hard to figure out what they mean. Right. And also, you know, just a lot of really pointed vitriol from crossword fans.

They're a known vocal group on social media, not your your elon musk uh billionaire stans um you know you never want to get a bunch of crossword puzzle fans in your mentions on social media no i don't want to be attacked by crossword people you know like they're just i mean look they got a lot of time you know most people are going to leave a crappy comment and then log off for the day do their job take their immortality pill i don't know but crossword fans they have you know now they're freed up from their their very time-consuming hobby wait can i just say that one of the the sources that you you linked us to uh or that that the article links us to is this guy named dan fire uh who is a crossword champion, so that makes a lot of sense already, doing a, on Twitter, he did a 15 tweet thread about this.

Oh my God! 15 tweets! Yeah, and if you count the first letter of every tweet, it just says hussy three times. It says incel, but he went to princeton of course he's a very sad man but 15 times i've truly never tweeted 15 times about in a row about anything i have i think so but it was about like i don't know i don't think i've tweeted 15 times in a row no but i mean if i have it's been about like the most, the political issue that I considered the most important,

you know, which like is just, it's already a lot, but about a crossword, that's too much. Well, that is the political issue I consider the most important is the accessibility of the New York Times crossword puzzle. And Kate, honestly, I think it's a little bit, I do think that it's a little bit reductive that you're being so dismissive about the New York Times crossword puzzle. And Kate, honestly, I think it's a little bit, I do think that it's a little bit reductive that you're being so dismissive about the New York Times crossword puzzle. Yeah. Well, I feel like this is all symbolic of the current segregation and molecularization of

society online, that people are being forced into ever, ever narrower affiliations with particular streaming or output services. And you have to decide on whether you're an HBO person or a Disney person or a Netflix person or an Amazon Prime person. And at some point, having been mind controlled by the algorithm sufficiently, we'll find ourselves taking up arms against our brothers and fighting in the name of whichever billionaire has most recently sent up a rocket that we like the branding of. Right. I mean, at least the crossword people

they're not very strong so if you end up fighting them you'll probably win yeah but the words they use can really hurt yeah that's right exactly sticks and stones though yeah the emotional wounds are forever and that brings us to the end of the show flipping through the ad section at the end there's a classified ad here for a lost dog and a found dog. Unfortunately, they are not the same dog. A classified ad here also for a barely used donkey. If anyone's looking for a barely used donkey. Julia and Kate, do you have anything to plug?

Well, you know, just listen to our podcast. We, I think, have a, on the whole, more, you know, just listen to our podcast. We, I think, have a, on the whole, more, you know, depressing news analysis show than this one. So it's like this one if you removed the joy. Yeah. What's it called? Yeah, our podcast is called Reply Guys. We release new episodes every week.

Two episodes a week. One on our main feed, one on our Patreon. We have a lot of good guests. And you can find us on social media. I'm at OhJuliaTweets on Twitter, OhJuliaTweets. And I am at Kate Willett with two L's and two T's. Excellent. Look those up. And this has been The Gargle.

I'm your host, Alice Fra Fraser. The Gargle is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. You can find me at alliterative, A-L-I-T-E-R A-T-I-V-E on Twitter or Instagram or find me on Patreon.com slash Alice Fraser for one stop

shop for all of my stand up specials, podcast blogs and my weekly Tea with Alice salon. Thanks to our roving reporter, Stefan Chilcott, for sending in the rice baby story. If you have stories that you would like to send in to The Gargle, tweet us at HelloGogglers. That's all from us. Bye. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle,

including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.