The Gargle - Spying news | Future news | Losing It news

Episode Date: April 22, 2021

Tiff Stevenson and Alison Spittle join host Alice Fraser for episode eight of The Gargle - the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle. 🚁 Drone flown on Mars🍁 MP nude on Zoom🔍 Why spy on the Netherlands?🔮 Psychic loses powers in car crash☕ Future-proofing coffee🦖 Dinosaur 'news' 🐛 Colin the Caterpillar cake🥐 Tree beast croissantCatch Tiff's Tiny Revolutions in your pod feed now.This is a show from The Bugle. Follow us on Twitter.This episode was produced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. They don't advertise for killers in the newspaper. ACAST.com carrying secrets in her eyes. We bring you The Gargle, the umbrella of satire to shield you from the unrelenting reality of reality. The glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. Welcome to The Gargle. Your guests today are the magnificent Tiff Stevenson. Tiff, how are you? I'm pretty good. And our second guest, Alison Spittel.

How are you? Hey, Alison, I'm great. Well, we're going to get on to our news stories in one minute. Once we've spoken about the cover of this week's magazine, the cover model for this week's edition of The Gurgle is, of course, a soft-edged collage of the formerly prince known as Prince Philip, looking handsome as a young consort, flexing in various poses on a boat in the 60s and smiling over the years, surrounded by clip art of flowers and doves in blackface. You're going to get killed, Alice. You're going to get killed. I'm not sure we're out of the official mourning period yet. Have you checked this, Alice, before you?

Eight weeks of national mourning, I believe. before you, eight weeks of national mourning, I believe. My strongly held position is that really we want to avoid offending anyone but also isn't saying the most inappropriate thing at the most inappropriate time the most appropriate tribute? If you can't laugh at a funeral, when can you laugh? That's my saying. He would have wanted you to be inappropriate. Is that what you're saying, Alice?

I'm saying it's the most appropriate tribute to Prince Philip. It's the flowers he would have wanted. Also on the cover inside this week's magazine, the NASA scientist who made that helicopter go up a bit and down again on Mars, behind the scenes of the science project What's the Hot Goss? As well as football, who cares? Until they learn how to use their arms, it remains a confusing sport choice to me. The satirical cartoon this week is a weak-chinned man in a T-shirt that says

Dogecoin billionaire trying to buy a sandwich. And the caption reads, on the internet, nobody knows you're a Dogecoin billionaire. It's funny if you're into early meme culture. Which brings us to section one of this week's magazine, Spying News. This comes from the furthest spy of all, the Mars drone flight. Groundbreaking or rather air-breaking news, if what's on in Mars can be called air, I don't know. Altitude-altering footage of a tiny helicopter going a bit up and then back down again safely is getting heaps of coverage from people who don't understand how it is as cool as it is.

The only people who can truly understand the it is as cool as it is. The only people who can truly understand the complexity of the project and the implications of its success were the people who actually did it and they already know about it. They don't need the news. Alison Spittel, have you been following this space exploit? Yeah, I've been following this space exploit and I just want to say I'm not impressed, not impressed at all. I had a drone

once I was uh I I had a drone and it disappeared I don't know where it's gone maybe it's in Mars maybe that's where it is me and my mum we were going to have a new business where we would take pictures of people's houses from overhead we're we're scalping the helicopters and uh I'm very upset because my mum put a lot of capital into that. She paid for that drone. And if NASA could return that drone, that would be amazing. That would be, please, like, I need it back. But yeah, Google Maps have now destroyed my business.

Again, all the time Google Maps is out there to get me. And yeah, I'm not that impressed. I feel as well, like, didn't it say in the actual news that like it went, was it, I'm going to say, is it two feet or 20 feet? Both I wasn't impressed by. It was something of a two in it anyway. But it only rose up that long.

I don't know what you can see from there. You know, that just feels like, that just feels like if I was taller, you know, I would have that kind of view as a drone person. And there's not that much on Mars to be impressed by. There's no, you know, there's no massive mansions with a swimming pool where I can see it's in the shape of a rabbit. It does remind me of when I came fourth in the under 23s 1500 metre race

out of four people. I was about nonetheless it was impressive because it was on Mars yeah I'd be very impressed by that losing is still a win let's remember Tiff have you been following this Mars leap yeah but as you know and I think I've said this before Alice I look at news about Mars and I just think I'm not moving there because there's three moons and as we know that means three periods I'm not having it I'm not doing it I'm not moving to a place where I have three periods but uh yeah I mean I've I saw that they put this uh ingenuity wasn't it ingenuity that's it yeah and they put it in the belly they

described it as going in the belly they described it as going in the belly of nasa's perseverance rover so they basically knocked up the rover got it pregnant and then like dropped out a sprog on on mars and much like alice and i watched the footage but i've also spent ages watching my partner operate a drone now sure the ingenuity is giving a third dimension in space for scientific experimentation on inaccessible places for a rover and this is exactly the way we build the future and paul was looking at some pigeon eggs on my parents roof but in many ways i feel it's the same of the same scientific and cultural significance so basically i agree i think we should give props

to alison and her mom and i think paul should get his due credit if you surprise me with the free moon thing i know that's a fact and stuff but i've just watched um total recall and the free tits thing makes total sense now before i was just like oh that's one tip one tip for each cycle exactly one gets tender for each oh god oh god my middle tits really sore i must be coming on my third period i feel like i understand total recall totally better there's no confusion there that was the only thing confusing wasn't middle tit a novel by novel by Jeffrey Eugenides or something? The only thing worse than a period is three periods in a month. Oh, my God.

More inspiring news. One of the reasons we do the gargle without politics is because we don't like hearing the same stories coming round and round again, recycled as they are. However, we will always have as much time in the world as we need for a story of somebody showing their penis on Zoom. This is a Canadian member of parliament. William Amos has unfortunately found himself or put himself into a compromising position on a Zoom call with the House of Commons completely nude in front of the House of Commons standing behind a desk between the Quebec and Canadian flags.

You couldn't have planned it better if you had planned it, which he alleges that he didn't, but I'm pretty sure he did. My first thought when I saw this uh when I looked at this story was not a bad offering and I'm pretty ashamed of myself for that being my instant um and one of his colleagues said something similar as well of like he's in fine form or good shape but uh it was is he a representative for the pontiac region of canada after seeing that i got pontiac fever oh yeah very sweaty and i couldn't breathe um and it's a real disease pontiac feet it's like legionnaires disease light and i can just imagine the shit that i'm gonna get from immunologists or virologists or just any

doctor after this goes to air. I had to discover what Pontiac fever was. I think it's Legionnaires without the pneumonia. Don't quote me. Don't quote me, Tiff Stevenson, over a picture of your face. The new meme, please. This story has combined two of our favourite Zoom-style scandal stories, which is to say extreme nudity and extreme admin, because Claude de Belphie, who's a legislator for the opposition, called a point of order suggesting that parliamentary decorum requires men to wear a jacket and a tie as well as a shirt, underwear and trousers, which is some, like, backstage of RuPaul's Drag Race level shade

being thrown there. Though Ms. de Belfoy added that she also has Pontiac fever. She's mentioned that we can all see that the member is in very good shape. What did he say at make a something point? Once you get into these stories, they all sound like euphemisms for yeah penis right more like p p of order you know well she also said i think that this member should be reminded of what is appropriate and to control his camera when you've brought the word member into this conversation, it already becomes confusing and euphemistic at best. Carry on film at worst.

What I miss about the before times is the proper, proper sex scandals that you got with politicians. I mean, all we're getting now is Zoom or paying someone a hundred grand for their business and still becoming prime minister. But like before, when I was a kid, the sex scandals were, you know, incredibly spicy. Oranges in the mouth, football shirts on, a bit of swinging.

I want to bring that back. I want 90 sex scandals back. We can get it going. I think we can make the uk horny again i would like to see a return of the uh normative you know determinism of these uh politicians involved in sex scandals because obviously we had anthony weiner a while back and sending pictures of his penis i would have liked it if this guy had the decency to be called Dick Flash.

Maybe we could dig up some dirt on Michael Foote. Maybe he was into foot fetches. We don't know. I don't know enough about that man, actually. He was probably well-loved. I feel this is such delicate and dangerous turf when you guys have a Prime Minister called Boris Johnson.

I'm sorry. I can't approve of this movement. I mean, it was staring us in the face all along. Oh, no. I feel that Zoom is very sophisticated nowadays with its filters and its facial things and you can, you know, give yourself ears or backgrounds or whatever. I think it should just have an auto blur pixelation feature

for business meetings. I would love to see a penis with HD eyebrows. I put that on my Zoom sometimes. Okay, if not pixelation, then at least enlargement. Or little Groucho Marx glasses. Yeah, accessories would be nice. Some Dealey Boppers. It would be nice some dealie boppers it would be nice if you know at least the guys would start to feel a sense of like that they needed to do some manscaping or something with it

you know i've got to get my balls tidy if they're gonna be if they're gonna be on the zoom call i mean probably not but also at the same time i want want to see it. In our third story for the spying section, Huawei, the famously Chinese and spying company of phone people, has been accused of spying on the Netherlands, raising the question of why would you want to spy on the Netherlands? Has anything ever happened in the Netherlands that was worth spying on? Alison, have you been following this story? I've been following this story a little bit and I think like look this explains

so so much 2012 massive massive weed contamination in the brownies in China and we can see where that originated from and there is nothing really that I would like to spy on on Dutch people other than finding out what their special recipes are and yeah, Hawaii have done stuff for their country yeah, fair play to Hawaii by the way, my boyfriend last night

I kept trying to pronounce highway and I just could not do it I do it differently each time and each time he was like Alison please

please don't this is not the thing you're going to cancel yourself over and I was like I'm trying very hard but I cannot pronounce highway

I think that's yeah that's how yeah they're very sneaky because you don't know how to pronounce their name

you know I feel like it's a little bit like Betelgeuse if you say it wrongly enough they'll listening in they'll correct you.

Do you think that's what happened? A voice will just come out of your ceiling and correct your pronunciation. That's exactly, that's what happened exactly in the Neverlands then. They tried to pronounce it three times and then they got spied on. Your ad section now, because if you're feeling a vague sense of unfulfillment in your life we really know how to put a finger on your temporary band-aid solution if you're not sure how you'll re-enter society after months or more in various levels of restrictions and lockdown try the app enabled socio bot 8000 with unerring accuracy drawing from millions of hours of your stolen

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and scrapbooking kit for the deep, dark to-do list nobody dares to name. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom.

It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts. Everywhere. ACAST.com. Now it's time for our second section, future news now. And a psychic who was caught in a car crash has failed to predict a number of things. Tiff Stevenson, are you following this story?

I am. The psychic car crash. He didn't see that coming gag from every single newspaper that's written about it uh but a psychic called Maurice Amder claims to have lost his psychic abilities and it affected his sex life as well that was also added in I mean he couldn't see things coming in a number of ways as someone who's recently been in a motor vehicular accident i am interested in this um because i got into a fight with an airbag but it came off worse and is very deflated about the whole thing i watched the clip on this morning which is where he's uh appeared a couple of times giving psychic predictions and on the show he claimed to do something called face reading, which is reading a face, then predicting the future,

which is what the rest of us call social interaction. And then it gets better because Fern says, when you're doing face readings, what about if someone has had plastic surgery? And then he said this, right? Yes, I have a friend who is a scorpio but she went and had a libra nose fitted yes you heard that correctly fitted then she became incredibly successful what the f**k is a libra nose is it in the shape of some scales i don't know i am a libra

i don't know if this is are we just going to start pretending this is a thing now don't get me started on her she's got right sagittarian toes look at his capricorn hairline like this is not a thing i mean also though tiff once you enter this sphere uh i don't know if you can pick and choose between nonsenses like if you're going in for the psychic reading you got to go in for the libra nose you can't go half-assed on this because that's a very gemini thing to do. I wanted to ask you if your psychic reading abilities have survived your car crash so we can verify this through anecdotal evidence. Yes they did like like literally as soon as it happened I went I'm going to lose work which I did because I was unable to go and film a TV show the next day due to having a split lip.

So I feel like in many ways, my psychic abilities were fairly heftily intact. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I agree with you to a certain degree. Like if you are going to go in for the hooey, you've got to go in for all the hooey. He's gone balls deep on the hooey. That's actually how you pronounce Huawei.

Balls deep on the hooey that's actually how you pronounce huawei balls deep on the howey um yeah um but uh fascinating to watch this man uh get paid to talk about reading faces on television and then complain about not being paid to read faces on television but his claim got chucked out i believe was the result yeah he's to pay like a hundred grand doesn't he in legal fees the person I feel sorry for most is his ex-girlfriend uh he said that his relationship had broken down due to him uh not being able to satisfy her sexually I think and uh I think it's just one less thing that she used to lie about where she's like oh yeah you're psychic and the best lover i've ever had and my family are convinced that they are psychic so i was very very interested and they've also been involved in a few insurance things as well so like i think they're interconnected somewhat uh but this guy this this this guy has really been i think think, I know the newspapers are making a joke about he couldn't see this coming.

But surely a lawyer should have warned him about the legal fees that he would have to incur. And for him to consult the gods above or whatever. I mean, the real problem was that he could have looked at himself in the mirror and predicted the car crash but unfortunately he just had botox and that's a extremely cancer thing to do extremely cancer thing to do i was like what's in botox but then i remembered it's a star sign the daily mail would that would be on the front page but But yeah. I read my stars like, you know, Donald Trump used to read press releases. It's just like all the good stuff I take on and then the rest of the shit is just made up and rubbish.

Like that's the best way to, anything I disagree with is made up rubbish and fake news. Our next story in our future news section has come in from at Fresh Frankie on Twitter, one of our gargle fans If you want to send a news story of the week into the gargle make sure it's current, make sure it's not political and tweet us at HelloGogglers on Twitter This story has to do with the future of coffee

Alison Spittel, you literally just bought a coffee What's the future of coffee right now? So the future of coffee is now so the future of coffee is we're going back in time and we're finding uh most it was really interesting because apparently like most of the time we use arabica beans and then some poor people beans and uh and arabica beans is being threatened by climate change at the moment so uh we are we are looking at this new well it's not new, it's very old. It's this coffee bean that was kind of like

last discovered in the 50s. It was a forgotten bean, which is what I call my clitoris when I'm single. It's the coffee-ass stenophila. Yeah, that's what I call it. Also the forgotten bean. I'm sorry to bring it down to that level no i i'm always impressed by a flicking bean joke in a podcast it doesn't happen enough like and if it takes three women

together in a podcast to make it happen i'm happy for this oh yeah whenever tiff and i are on the same podcast we always drag it down to the lowest common denominator. It's because we're both so clever that we don't want to intimidate people with our intellect. Yeah. It vanished completely

from the record in 1954 until scientists finally discovered it growing in the wilds of Sierra Leone in 2018. And apparently it can withstand temperatures of like let me check here on this uh this internet thing with 24.9 degrees which is about six degrees higher than Arabica and not quite enough to straighten your hair that's incredible because

isn't like boiling water a lot more than that and yet uh coffee kind of survives that but um yeah it's a it's not growing in your cup at that point. But yeah, I think it's amazing that instead of like, instead of tackling climate change, we're like, but what about the coffee? Yes, we'll all be burning in eight years time, but at least we'll be caffeinated. We can take in every bit of it.

I am all for this kind of story, the kind of story that focuses on the small, petty inconveniences. Like pollution reduces penis size. Let's lean in on that. No, we'll have to lean in on that, Alice, to get anything from it. We're going to have to bear right down on that and hope for the best. I like it. I feel it just fits in with the rule of three for everything.

Because before that, the main two species of coffee bean, Arabica and Robusta, also the nickname I give my boobs. So that fits. Now I've got three tits. I'm on Mars. Coffee Stenophila is going to be the middle one. I feel like Coffee Stenophila is cheating a bit because it's got coffee in the title.

Like, I feel like it's got more of a chance than the other two for that. Like, it might, like, steam into the lead from that point of view. But I do enjoy coffee, or as we call it in our house, cake lube. And I'm very excited. Sorry, there. I'm just excited sorry there

I'm just writing that down for a business idea it would help me a lot I mean I just I like any opportunity to wank on about how I will drink a coffee because we are big coffee coffee fans in here so you know it's almost got to the point with coffee now the way we talk about it it's kind

of like um having like a micro brewery like people talk about coffee how you brew it whether you've got an aero press have you got an espresso have you got a cafetiere do you do it on the pot are you shock horror like my mum someone who at home just drinks granulated instant coffee you know can't believe it for my mum everything she's been through and when she gets home she's like no i'm gonna have you know she's lived a life she's lived a full life seen a lot of shit and she goes home and drinks instant coffee but when she's out she will order she will order coffee when in fact my mum is i will share this with you my mum is the woman who he once, this is genuine, walked into a coffee shop and asked for two cappuccinos and one of them punani things, please.

Punani? Yeah. Panini, is it? Yeah. Is it a panini? Yeah, she wanted a panini, but two cappuccinos for one of those punani things. Well, that's all the time we have for section two. We're on to our reviews section.

You are our tastemakers. Tiff and Alison, have you brought in anything to review? Well, recently Paul discovered that ponies are not in fact baby horses. And we lost about a week in the house to this. Like, what do you mean? What's a baby horse then? Or what's a baby pony? And it was a big topic of discussion.

Lockdown's been, you know, there's been a lot going on. So I cheated a little bit this week because it's been, because of what's happened, I've had a bit of a car crash, I've had the vaccine, it's been very busy. I've had to farm my review out. And because of this debate over ponies and horses, I asked my niece, who is six years old to give a review of horses um so i will share that with you if you would like this this review

of horses i like horses because they're big and you can sit on them and they can run very fast i tried it with my dog but she didn't like it so i think horses are better i like it when they say nay that might have been noise. That's a bit more of a scribble. Ratings out of five for a horse. Bigness, five. Clippy-clopness, five. Platable mane, five. Smell, three.

Overall, five. Quite a comprehensive review there, I think. This is a Yelp pest of the future. This is. If I were to extract anything from that data and you're thinking about getting a horse i would say if you're on the fence go for it the numbers don't lie it's a five five five three with an overall five i'm not quite sure how that can work out as an overall average maybe like 4.7 i fit but anyway look i'm not going to question her. She's six and she's made her mind up. Snell is very weakly weighted in these.

So there you go. That's your review of a horse right there. That's a great review of a horse. Alison, have you got a niece? I don't. I don't have a niece. I've got four sisters and my mum is getting very antsy at the moment about producing some sort of air ain't from me

babes ain't from me I've I've decided to become a comedian but um yeah I've reviewed uh pigeons this week um and this comes from being in lockdown as well um my bedroom is right next to a balcony uh at the start of lockdown my boyfriend got covid and he was away for a couple of months in in another room to be honest with you first month was for safety and then the rest i think was just him being happy on his own but i but uh i started making friends with these pigeons uh that were on my balcony i thought they were i thought i was snow white i thought this is a pandemic the birds are my friends now uh i went back to Ireland for two months. The birds betrayed me in the worst way possible. They shat that much on my balcony that my boyfriend's bike is destroyed.

There is acid out of their shit. I always thought if your bird shits on me, it's good luck. But like, you know, if a thousand birds shit on me, very much not good luck. Very much a health hazard there pigeons have been really ahead of the game in bringing down statues that they didn't like yes they have where's where's the twitter accounts against the pigeons that's why i want to ask right and also like you said paul uh had a look at some pigeon eggs with a drone right i've got pigeon eggs on my balcony have you ever seen baby pigeons?

They are the ugliest animals I've ever seen in my life. They're disgusting. They are the embodiment of teenagerdom. They come out of the eggs and they look like teenagers. And they act like teenagers as well, where they just hang around in corners. And the other thing is, I've got my balcony, I've put lots of stuff on my balcony to deter the pigeons.

I've got this anti-pigeon tape, pinwheels everywhere. My balcony now looks like if the Teletubbies had made a compound. If they got into drug making and they took precautions, right? My balcony is very whimsical and very, very highly protected against pigeons. And I am giving them a two star out of five. I liked them at first, but now they're overstaying their welcome. And I don't like them now at all. And also, they kept shagging on my balcony all the time, like really overtly loud.

And at the start, I was like, oh, this is great. It's nature and stuff. And then I started assessing why did I think it was great? And I remembered I'm a Catholic. And I was like, no, I will not hear any shagging near. I'm ex-Catholic. I'm I'm a Catholic and I was like no I will not hear Annie Chagin near I'm ex-Catholic I'm very residually Catholic I'm that much like I'm that residual of a Catholic I don't know what is mental illness and what is residual Catholicism like that's the way I am but anyway I think I've talked very passionately about these pigeons uh yeah that's how I feel you know what

you need to do to get rid of them what you need You need like a fake, like a dummy seagull. I think I was in Norway the first time I saw a seagull take down a pigeon. And it was horrific. But that will scare them off. I don't know because I've had to get myself a super soaker. And I open up the door now. And I just, you know, I'm like an action person. I'm like Arnold Schwarzenegger,

except instead of saying something cool before I shoot them, I go, fuck off. Which is my thing. I would, if I was ever in an action film, that's what I would be shouting constantly. Go away!

And then I'd shoot my, my gun into them. But that's, yeah. So I think my neighbors think that I'm mentally ill because I just keep shouting out at different intervals, f*** off, away from me, all the time. Well, you know, all I've ever wanted was to be a villain in an action movie,

so maybe we can arrange this. We really could. Giovanni, last words? F*** off! It'll be like the slow motion showdown scene in the church at the end of face off when the pigeons start flying you freak the f*** out that would be

I'm sorry I'm laughing very hard because I just love that film so much and the memory of that has made me so happy but yeah pigeons are my downfall I hate them so much even the youngins that's how i feel yeah don't watch uh pigeon street the kids tv program because that will be like a horror movie for you ah i just i just can't deal they are they are like friends do you know what they're like

they're like friends that they love bombed me at first at the start of the lockdown i was like this is beautiful lovely looking feathers snarly feet, but I don't mind and everything like that. And, you know, they're like people to visit you, tell you they like you and then shit on you. Like they're literally shitting on me everywhere. And I'm not, sorry, that's a bad analogy. I don't know anyone who's had friends that have started defecating on them. I do. I know that.

I know a person who's had that happen. But let's move on. Yeah, let's move on. There's an after-school special on where it just says, real friends don't shit on you. You just don't know if you can trust them. I reckon carrier pigeons read the mail. Now it is time for Section 3, Dinosaur News.

Speaking of pigeons, descended from dinosaurs themselves, and speaking of shitloads, there used to be shitloads of Tyrannosaurus rexes, about 20,000 at a time over a huge span of time. They think up to 2.5 billion T-rexes or T's rex, if you like, walked the earth during their span of existence. Pretty exciting. Not as exciting as when I found out that t-shirt is short for tyrannosaurus shirt because of the little arm and i found out i mean made up that joke and was very proud of myself that's a very good joke tiff

have you been counting t-rexes well they have a bad rep but knowing that there were 2.5 billion of them at one point and that they hunted in packs should make everyone feel better right i don't know i mean it's not even my favorite time period you've got jurassic jurassic uh but my favorite is rebot classic that's my favorite heilistic era um there was a massive dinosaur print as well on the yorkshire coast um that isn't huge news though because we've known about the existence of dinosaurs in Yorkshire for a while because Jeremy Clarkson was born there. So we've been aware.

But it's been a big week for dinosaur news, you know. Or, as I like to say, things that we didn't figure out yet, despite the fact they've been around for ages. I find calling it dinosaur news is a bit ambitious. It's shit we missed for 200 million years what i loved is that they hunted in packs of four or five uh that's basically a boy band they they hunted in boy band sizes and i would love to think of t-rexes as different members of boy bands so i imagine like a t-rex with a scar over his eye and he's the bad boy of them.

He's the Keith. He's the Keith, yeah. Or the AJ, if you will. The AJ. Yeah, they're so funny. There's also like, and also aren't they feathered? Isn't that a thing now? Yes, yes, they believe that dinosaurs had feathers.

I can finally imagine a dinosaur of like a curtain haircut like the brian's it's beautiful um are they sitting on stools and then one gets up before he goes in for a very aggressive kill you know like there's always one that's allowed to get up from the stool when it gets passionate well when when they saw the when they saw the meteor going towards earth they stood up then it was a bit of a key change you know they were ready for the final ending what i love as well as about the the scientists talking about like a dinosaur sexual maturity and like that just made me think of like dinosaurs thinking,

are they ready for sex yet? Or are they not? Like just to, you know, to have like a, I just feel like a T-Rex would be the boys of the dinosaur world, you know? They have small arms and they have small hearts and they're very speedy as well. They can run away from you.

And I, yeah, I've just decided i don't want to date a tyrannosaurus rex they're i like bad boys but not when they can tear your flesh apart i mean yeah they're attractive to look at but not much to go with big thighs tiny arms like rugby players small eyes unmoisturized they're not moisturized enough very no very scaly i mean this is all the time we have for the dinosaur section because now it's time for section four losing it news after a few pretty epic years in the midst of a technology and information age that are slowly evolving brains absolutely do not have the equipment to deal with, it is not surprising that people are losing it left, right and centre. The first story in this section is Colin the Caterpillar Cake Furore.

Not since the knife fight on season three of Bake Off has there been such a cake-based kerfuffle. Alison Spittel, you have been watching Pigeons. I assume you've seen a few caterpillars come home to roost. Tell us this caterpillar rights story. So Braxton Spencer's have pulled out the big guns and have decided to bring Aldi to court for copying their Colin the Caterpillar cake.

Even though every other supermarket has some caterpillar-type cake, it's just blowing my mind.'ve seen have you seen all of the caterpillars beside each other a lawyer had to take a picture of all the boxes of caterpillars beside each other and to be honest with you it looked like a round of naked attraction that i would be very interested in entering uh it's been incredible they got they got different names like Clyde the caterpillar cake what I love is that Aldi have been copying um different companies for as long as they've been open and I I kind of don't see what's so special about calling the caterpillar cake Aldi have copied stuff like uh Oaties uh copy Hobnobs they also have this amazing product uh that they call

Disco Bisc biscuits which copied their own brand of ecstasy which i would take the germans are great precision i would trust them with ecstasy uh no they're little biscuits with uh smarties on them i love them a great innovation i think marks and spencers need to calm down people people are very much supporting novaldi but i think that's because they're so cheap I can't see anyone wanting to fight in Marks and Spencer's corner when you know it's it's so expensive to buy milk from there it doesn't feel like the plight of the common man and I say copy all the time if Aldi wants to copy my routine where it becomes a sexually repressed Irish woman I'd let them

I'd let them at it too like I just think they would do it better, Alice. That's what I'm saying. The problem with suing Aldi is you go in to sue them for copyright infringement and you come out having given them a parking ticket, a marriage certificate and a citizenship to Belgium, none of which you planned and you've forgotten to sue them for copyright infringement. It's a disaster.

Yeah. of which you planned and you've forgotten to sue them for copyright infringement it's a disaster yeah tiff have you been following these colin versus cuthbert the caterpillar controversy i just don't know that i can handle another big celebrity rivalry i've got too much on at the moment i just you know look i'm i'll say this i'm with colin i've bought colin for years i smashed a few Collins in my time I just I just wanted to say that with uh appropriate lube coffee so when I was reading about this story I came across something that kind of almost more than the sort of copyright trademark sort of infringement thing that I found like funnier was a woman called Daisy Harding tweeted since he's trending I once saw a guy on the tube take a Colin the caterpillar

out of a Tupperware in his bag and eat him like a baguette and I feel like that is a more instantly interesting story to me than two companies with lots of money fighting over something. The idea that a man just went, yeah, that's how you eat a Colin the Caterpillar. It's also a dangerous slippery slope to start suing them for copyright infringement when actual caterpillars exist and have the moral high ground.

How would you eat your Colin how would you eat your colin the caterpillar normally i always go like face first yeah yeah i sometimes pick off the buttons but it feels like the highest value doesn't it yeah yeah i mean and it depends if it's for a kid's birthday it feels a bit shitty taking all the favorite bits but i will do it yeah well it prevents them rowing with each other you've done them a favor there's no arguments also like i want colin's plight to be done with pretty quickly so if you eat the head first you know it's not like you're just nibbling on his legs and his abdomen and he's just screaming i presume that's what colin's i know it looks like a smile but the thing is with caterpillars, when they're in pain, they will smile.

Actually, I like to leave my Colin the caterpillar cake in its box for a few weeks and eat Colin the butterfly instead. That's not a butterfly, that's fungus. Enough of this horrifying story. On to the next horrifying story of people losing their shit news. That's not a butterfly. That's fungus. Enough of this horrifying story. On to the next horrifying story of people losing their shit news. Animal welfare officers in Krakow received a report of an animal that was lurking in a tree, only to investigate and find out that it was a croissant.

More cake-based controversy arising tiff stevenson have you ever mistaken anything in a tree for an animal that turned out to be a croissant no but i once saw a squirrel go into a skip and remove a pan au chocolat and then just eat it like on the wall looking at passers-by almost almost daring them to stop it. Where was this, in Islington? It was, it was in Camden, actually, yeah. It feels like a very Camden kind of thing to see a squirrelly, a pan au chocolat. Yeah, like literally, but like fished it out of the bag,

like knew it was in there. So someone had bought, and it wasn't even like half a pan au chocolat. So maybe the squirrel had an arrangement with someone who used to go into the pret and buy a pan of chocolate for it like i'll leave it kids trying to get the adults to buy them alcohol i'll leave the arrangement is i'll leave it in the skip you get i'm then i'm not getting involved you you're gonna take it out yourself but i'll leave it there for you. I just, I want that kind of relationship with a squirrel. But you know, in lieu of that, I'd take a croissant in a tree.

I think people are making fun of this woman for calling animal welfare to say that, you know, it's just a croissant up a tree, but I've seen that picture. It looks like a, and I had to look, a tardigrade. Is that how you pronounce it looks like a and i had to look a tardigrade is that how you pronounce it that cross on looked full on like a tardigrade and i would i would be shitting myself if i saw that size of a tardigrade that i could see it with my eyes and it's up a tree those little fellas they can they can survive lava they can survive space and they're up in a tree looking at me i'm telling you now i would be shitting my pants but much like a croissant tardigrades can get disintegrated in your stomach

so i feel like i would have to eat it just to take one for the team but i mean i mean this massive tardigrades you're welcome and that's that's how i feel about it they do they that genuinely looks like a tardigrade. A little water bear. Yeah. I had to Google it today and how to pronounce it. But yeah, they scared the shit out of me, those lads. I mean, we can all see a croissant. Now we know it's a croissant.

Yeah. But if you didn't know it was a croissant. I'd call the police. I'd say. When in doubt. When in doubt. If you can't see a croissant, call the police. Now, when I find anything in my kitchen that's not a croissant,

I will automatically call the police. Yeah, if there's a home invader, I'll be like, there's a very large croissant and he's stealing my television. He's threatening me. And that's all the time we have for The Gargle today. Magnificent thanks to our guests for today. We're just going to flip through the ads at the back. The editor of this show is Ped Hunter.

The executive producer is Christopher Skinner. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Alison Spittel, have you got anything to plug? I'm going to plug my podcast. It is called Weave of Misfortune with Alison Spittel and Ferran Brady. plug? I'm going to plug my podcast it is called Wheel of Misfortune with Alison Spittel and Fern Brady you can find it

on BBC Sounds I also run a weekly film night on a Wednesday called Co-Video Party and just check out my Twitter at Alison Spittel

and you'll find out all details so I'm doing a gig for Dublin Rape Crisis Centre tonight 23rd of April with Eleanor Tiernan Maeve Higgins

and everybody go to my Instagram and there's a link in the bio and that's where the gig is happening. Flipping past some ads, one for a jewellery cleaner that you will buy but never use and one for an online course

on how to clean your dog. Tiff, have you got anything to plug? I'll plug Tiny Revolutions, my podcast as brought to you by Bugle Productions. There's a new episode out this week so go listen to the Simon Neill from Biffy Clyro episode. as brought to you by Bugle Productions. There's a new episode out this week. So go listen to the Simon Neill from Biffy Clyro episode.

There's also one with Armando Iannucci and Maisie Richardson Sellers. We have amazing guests coming up. So please subscribe, listen, go give us a review. Follow me on Twitter at Tiff Stevenson. I've got some tour dates coming up in July. I'm doing all the stands, Glasgow, Edinburgh and Newcastle. So you can come to those shows. I've got some dates in Cambridge.

So you can join my mailing list, which is on my website, tiffstevenson.co.uk. And there is a live The Last Post coming up this Sunday. If you want to watch The Last Post happening live, then you can do that there. We have some magnificent guests, which I will not spoil for you, but the tickets are available on thebuglepodcast.com. And if you click on the live link, you can find out how to access them from wherever you are in the world. I'm Alice Fraser. I'll talk to you next week.

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