The Gargle - Sweary ghost | Nightclub carpet | Vulva spaceship

Episode Date: March 18, 2022

Tom Neenan and James Nokise join host Alice Fraser for episode 53 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!👻 Sweary ghost🕺🏼 Sticky nightclub carpet({}) Vulva shaped spaceship🚀 Comedian in space📸 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has... Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate rivalry, and a performance-enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate, available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. In a time when corruption is king, where contagion is legion, and the lords of men spend their time saying pointless shit for giggles, when the polar ice caps release their long-held curses as they melt, and an ancient Japanese devil rock has cracked open, potentially releasing the demon within, if you believe in that sort of thing. Devil Rock's not climate change.

Only one podcast dares to invite you to ignore all of that. That podcast is The Gargle. All of the news, satire, none of the politics. This is the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Tom Neenan and James Nokise. Welcome back. Hello.

Hello. We're going to take hands and plunge into the seance that is the body of this week's magazine. But first, let's have a look at the front page. Today's front page is a glitzy Hollywood spread because awards ceremonies are being held in person again. Finally, you can enjoy all the glamour of strangers wearing clothes. Stories from the Hollywood glamour include an in-depth look at what the woman wore on the night and an in-depth interview with the psychological trauma

the male actors inflicted on themselves and their colleagues so they could play a character from a children's book and a speech that keeps going. Just when you thought it was over, it is still happening. And our satirical cartoon this week is from the UK where energy prices are set to go up by 54%. It's a picture of a small girl making a prank phone call and she's asking, is your fridge running?

And the man she's called is saying yes, but he's tied to a chair and the fridge has run outside with all of his money in some kind of fridge man hostage situation. You can tell he's stolen all his money because the freezer compartment is full of banknotes and the cartoonist has added the helpful caption, the man's fridge is running, dot, dot, dot, away with all his money because energy bills are expensive, end quote.

Satire. It's not dead, but it might be too expensive to keep in our city flats, so your parents are going to start introducing the concept of a farm upstate. And now our spectral news opening story. A ghost. A ghost is haunting a beauty spot, apparently. The ghost of a dead woman has haunted a place called Dead Woman's Ditch,

loudly telling people to f*** off, which is what I would do too if I were a dead woman and people kept stomping in my ditch. Tom Neenan, you've been in a ditch. Can you unpack this story for us? I certainly would. Dead woman's ditch, possibly the worst place to invite anyone on a first date, I'd say. It's a red flag. It's an instant red flag. So yeah, so this is what I love is it's in the Quantox, which being British already already sounds like a swear word. And yeah, people have been scared off because this sometimes is whispered. Sometimes it's shouted. I don't know

if there's any particular sort of differentiation between, know if it's shouted leave quicker if it's whispered maybe stick around for a bit longer but yeah people have been scared away from this uh from this dead woman's ditch by a a ghost who's been turning the air blue even though apparently she's called the woman in white is that right she's like the white woman or something i mean it definitely is a white woman definitely she's telling people to f**k off and probably also saying she's gonna call the manager so uh so yeah back to where you came from says this woman exactly yeah so yeah so i i don't know whether you know like all these things it's not it's not true is it but um but it's nice to believe that there is a there is a white woman out, a ghostly Karen, telling people to get the hell out of her ditch.

And maybe I'll take a visit. Maybe I'll pay a visit. And just because I like, you know, if you have a thing about women talking dirty, then you can get it from another realm over there. If that's your kink. I'm not going to kink, Shane. Yeah, I mean, I feel like this is one of those stories where, like many of the ghost stories, it's just a story about a woman who they haven't figured out where she's standing yet. It's classic. Exactly. Yeah. They'll find out that there's just a shed somewhere and a woman with, you know, a tannoy.

And, you know, it'll all be a disappointing revelation to this. But, you know, good for her. Good for her getting her opinions out there. Usually, you know, the amount of women who want to say something and then are spoken over by a man immediately i wouldn't be surprised if there was a man in white they're sort of you know ready to correct her and speak over at any point actually yeah this woman isn't telling people at the ditch to f**k off she's just pent up rage from like 40 years in hr and she's just standing in the ditch saying all the f**k offs that she wished she said definitely that's my heaven my heaven is literally going saying all the f*** offs that she wished she said. Definitely. That's my heaven. My heaven is literally going somewhere and all the people you wish you could have told to f*** off, you just get to scream it into an existential void.

James Nwokise, have you ever stood in a ditch and been told to f*** off? No. I mean, look, maybe this is just a racial divide between us guys, but generally when people of colour encounter a ghost that tells them to f**k off they f**k off we're not like oh maybe we'll investigate or go for a holiday or let's write a new story which like oh thank you ghost okay that's um nothing good nothing good's going to come from sticking around and investigating this there's a whole genre of movies just based around ghosts telling people to f**k off and and them not f***ing off. Poor ghost.

No wonder she's shouting. She's been trying for hundreds of years to warn. It started off as a gentle ghost. That's the Korean guy. Hey, excuse me. Yes. If you could just. And that was like in 1792.

But by 23, it's just f*** off. F*** off. Well, I mean, look, I don't believe in ghosts because I believe that believing in them gives them more power. But I think that it's an important thing here to debunk this story. We need a sort of a Scooby-Doo gang to unmask this woman in white. Well, we're kind of dressed like one today, aren't we? Yeah.

I mean, yes, that's a great joke for an audio podcast. I'll go zoinks as well. I'm just encouraging listeners to go and investigate. Your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy. And today's show is brought to you by Tachyon Particles. Are you writing science fiction? Do you need a spiffy sounding reason for your spaceship to do spaceship things? Tachyon Particles are the narrative device that conceals the truth that your show about the space future

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Tachyon particles allowing plots to boldly go where they italically went before. Come on. Come on. Come on, that was a format joke. As a big Doctor Who fan, I am both delighted and offended by that. Reversing the neutron flow does everything.

It does absolutely everything. Are you insufficiently tense? Try Netflix shows where the buzz of the phone sounds like it's your phone. Hours of fun, but ruined by frantically reaching for your black rectangle each and every time a fictional character has their one set to silent. And when your phone goes off at the same time as theirs, ooh, spooky. And what if you're watching the show on your phone?

The worst. Try Netflix shows where the buzz of the phone sounds like it's your phone for a heart attack today. And if you've ever thought of owning a pet, why not try scorpions? They're aggressive, they're disloyal, they're poisonous, and they'll definitely bite you if you're a frog in a fable. Scorpions, the dry lobster that kills. Scorpions, why have

you done this to yourself? ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite. Cycling has Lance Armstrong. Baseball has its steroid era. Curling has Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships houses divided corporate rivalry and a performance enhancing broom it was a year i'd like to forget broom gate available now a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Now it's time for your clubbing news. Not seal clubbing. This is the news that a nightclub is planning to sell off chunks of its sticky carpet.

If you were eating anything, I apologize. James Nwokise, you've been stuck to a carpet before. Can you unpack this story? Many times. Alice, sometimes of my own volition. So, Halifax is and I apologize to locals if I'm saying this wrong. Acapulco. Sometimes I say English words too ethnically. Acapulco. It's been a fixture of the Yorkshire town of Halifax since 1961, and they are selling off small bits of their carpet, which is a unique 70s design, and unclean. Well, you can get clean sections in a glass frame, which is very arty, for 50 pounds, or just get a section of the club

for five pounds. And it all goes to a charity called Street Angels, which I assume is a charity that specializes in helping people who've caught infectious diseases of carpets. It's a bold move as someone who spent a lot of time on nightclub carpets. I have to say, I don't think I ever wanted it to follow me home, especially the sticky sections. Well, you too can own a souvenir of a visit to a crap Yorkshire nightclub, well, a souvenir that isn't regret, by buying this carpet. And again, inexplicably, they have not used the selling of the carpet

to buy themselves a new carpet. They're just leaving the selling of the carpet to buy themselves a new carpet they're just leaving the remnants of the old carpet there I assume or the stickiness that stuck the carpet to the floor so you can have all of the stickiness and none of the carpet Tom Neenan have you been to this nightclub no I um I studied at Durham and uh what people at Durham are frequently you know they're very proud of saying is that Durham held the record for having the second worst nightclub in the world it did until the first worst nightclub burnt down so uh so Clues in Durham is sort of officially the uh the worst I mean how do you met what's the metric on that I literally think they just take a black light to

the walls and see how much of it doesn't reflect back. It's horrific. I'd say like, here's my controversial opinion. Don't have carpet in a nightclub. I think there's four places there should be no carpet. Bathroom, kitchen, nightclub, hospital. That is the those are the rules. If you find yourself wanting to carpet there, just stop because you just want with it. Basically, your perfect nightclub is somewhere that you can turn off all the lights it looks fine and then when the lights are on you can hose it down and start again yeah you mentioned this 70s design once again not great for an for an audio media but um if you do google it if you do google this um it literally looks like tapeworm this design literally looks like intertwining multicolored tape work it is absolutely vile

but yeah you can have your own i'm guessing sort of venereal disease filled piece of felt or whatever on your wall if you want to in defense of this look it was inspired because they had a birthday party there for a young boy whose parents had or no i don't think a young boy but a younger boy whose parents had met in the club. And so they got a piece of the carpet as a bit of a gift, which I don't think I want the carpet of the place where my parents first hooked up. I think there's a lot to unpack there. Yeah, that patch of carpet could be your potential siblings that didn't make it.

Also, I don't know why we've all assumed that everyone just jizzes on nightclub carpets. It's not a thing I've ever seen. Like, plenty of disgusting shit happens in nightclubs, but it's mainly not people jizzing up the walls. I think we've made some horrible, borderline bigoted assumptions about the people of Yorkshire, and I sincerely apologise. Definitely. I will say that thing about places where carpets shouldn't be. I went to a low-decile school, and I was in definitely I will say that thing about places not where carpet shouldn't

be I went to a low decile school and I was in the debating team uh with a couple of mates as a way to get out of school and we ended up going to a high decile school and I went to use their bathroom before the debate and came came back and went bro there's carpet in the toilets because I'd never seen carpet in a urinal before yeah where you know how they have the step the step was carpeted and they mocked me for the rest of my time at school going hey remember when you got free like i was the weird one i was weird to go into a urinal knowing what happened to the urinal and going oh this should this is too much yeah men are famously good with their their aim so um yeah it's very worrying they did say uh one thing

i love is that they said that they started selling it uh and then um you know they said it just snowballed from there guys that's not a snowball that, please, just launder this thing and then sell it. Well, that's all the time we have for our clubbing news, because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. James Nwokise, what have you brought in for us today? Now, I know it's going to sound political, but it's not. I've just got back to my hometown of Wellington,

and I just want to give a quick review to the occupation outside Parliament that we had, because it wasn't political, it was just a bunch of idiots with too much time. So I've looked at it. They were trying to get rid, if no one knows the story, of their words, our communist leader, Jacinda Ardern. And they did this hand on heart, no word of a lie, Alice, by forming a commune outside Parliament, where they lived for a few weeks until the police and most of the city of Wellington was like, oh, f*** off. We tried a ghost. We did try a ghost.

But then they ended up worshipping it they they set fire to things as they left including the children's playground which seemed quite ironic because they were officially there because they didn't want children to get vaccinated so they were all for safety of children but mainly needle based for too long we have writhed under the thumb of big children exactly and the best part is they had tinfoil hats, which sounds like I'm taking the piss out of conspiracy people, but no, because they started to get COVID, they convinced themselves that it was radiation weapons from Parliament. And so we're wearing tinfoil and the local supermarket sold out of tinfoil and all these people walking around with tinfoil hats

going, why are you teasing us for being crazy? So difficult, difficult, satirical situation at that point, almost entrapment, one would say. But I've reviewed it and they overstayed their welcome. They burned down a kid's playground and they achieved nothing. Nothing actually happened. No MPs came to meet them from the government. So I'm going to give it two stars out of five just for the effort, just to acknowledge the effort of organising and following through. But it's going to read like a four. I mean, it is hard. It is hard. I've tried to get people to come to my gigs before. So getting a bunch of people to form a commune, that's some flyering skill. Communes Against Communism is an underappreciated charity.

And Tom Neenan, what have you brought in to review? Today I'm doing an album review, but it's a review of a photo album that I found in my late grandmother's attic, which we were doing some sorting and we found this one. And I'll just give you the edited highlights. So my nan's photo album, which I found in her loft so it starts strong with photos of men from the 50s you know they are white they have pencil thin mustaches and they're real creamed hair very much looking like the kind of people who in a movie would have refused service to Sidney Poitier and I'm gonna guess equally as racist then there's a big time jump

we jump straight away to the 80s and a wedding of two people who i have no idea who they are never met them uh and no idea who if they're connected to my family or not they obviously big shoulder pads and big hair and my favorite uh image from this is a large group shot with uh basically everyone from the wedding in it and on the far left a man has quite cheekily got his penis out um which was uh was loved was it was a fun bit of a harmless jay uh in the 80s and in the 2020s is obviously a cancelable uh piece of malfeasance how times have changed for the better question mark yes full stop that's what the new doctor who's going to be with this wokeness it's just gonna be going back in time cancelling people

for things that weren't offensive back then that guy is gonna get he'll just get obliterated and you know who could who could argue with that the album ends on a strange inclusion this is genuine as all of them are but this is just it really struck me it's a photo taken of my grandmother's television on 9 11 so it's 9 11 as the plane's hitting she has taken a photo of her television and her handwritten caption just reads a terrible day so fair enough she's not wrong uh it's a thrilling piece of social uh history and i'm going to give it nine out of eleven never forget thank you i mean i think that is so charming that she decided to have that photograph printed and annotated like everyone else might not have recorded it

yeah yeah i think i think there were cameras on that day. I think we've got this covered. Tom, I have to apologise. I doubted your grandmother right up until you said what she wrote. And then she wrote a caption. I was like, ooh, where's this going? If the caption was just, finally, then it would be really worrying. Success. Yeah.

Thank you so much. That's all the time we have for our review section because now it's time for space feminism news. This is the story that feminists have designed as a point of, I assume, sort of artistic pride, a vulva-shaped spaceship sick of dong-shaped rockets penetrating our atmosphere. There has been this beautiful design. If you want to look at the pictures from this episode,

Ped puts together a supplement that goes out on our Twitter at HelloGogglers, and you can see everything that we have spoken about that's visual during the week, including the flashlight that looks like the caterpillar from A Bug's Life. But yes, this is the story. Finally, a c*** in space that isn't a billionaire tom neenan you look like fair enough tom neenan you look like an astronaut can you uh unpack this story for us certainly i don't know which one of those is going to go out i hope both so that we get to

see what i've put up with here i mean mean, it's all improv. Exactly, exactly. We're just rolling with it. A spaceship that looks like a vulva, finally. This has been designed by Dr. Lucia Hartman, I believe. And it's not meant to be a sort of a functioning rocket right now. It's more, as the article sort of suggested, it's a bit of playfulness to suggest that not all rockets need to be phallic they don't all need to be penetrating the earth's atmosphere they can embrace a more i guess the word is

pudendal um approach which i think is perfectly charming i'm so sorry about this sorry a portal has just opened up next to me and it's it goes to a 1970s nightclub where someone's doing some comedy and i've just been handed a joke about this is okay if i read it out is that yes yes absolutely grab some of the carpet while you're there you can sell it very sticky um so it just says um oh it's a spaceship that looks like a vagina unfortunately it couldn't take off because none of the male astronauts could find the ignition button so that's the uh that's our little 1970s joke there about uh about the the vulva shaped um spaceship what a lovely thing what a good thing that yeah not everything needs to be phallic well also yeah rockets really do though like that's the thing as the woman in the room

i can i could say this unspeakable truth which is that that kind of is the shape that they need to be to do the thing that rockets do. I mean, if you want to go through space travel via a portal perhaps, the vagina of rockets, you can do that. That's a vaginal sort of orifice that you can use for transport and perhaps we should explore more tunnel-based approaches to space. Tunnel? Just for now, I just want to make the point that while this is

a very charming and funny little joke, rockets do need to be shaped like what they do because they do a similar thing to the thing that they're shaped like, which is to go forward really fast. That's how I assume sex happens, which is just men attach themselves to a piston and fire themselves at their intended target. Penises do not need to be launched. Penises don't need to be launched. Oh, God damn it. There goes my pattern for the crotch catapult. Just flings your balls at somebody. Call it the uncle catapult.

It just sounds like something an uncle does, is get their balls out and just start launching them at people. I mean, I assume that the way that you would launch this vulva-shaped spaceship is just by lubricating it sufficiently that it slips off the surface of the Earth. James, would you go up in a vulva-shaped spaceship? I mean, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's a hill anyone should be dying on.

I'm not getting in this rocket. It's not delicate. Well, it's structurally unsound. I think it's, again, I think we need to return to the fact that this isn't a hill to die on. Alice, I tell jokes sometimes. Mainly I just listen to other comics and then chip in in spare time. But if a scientist said, get in the vulva, we're going to space,

I'd be like, oh, yeah, all right. Probably a 10-minute set in that. I mean, what we really need is some tachyon particles. I mean, what we really need is some tachyon particles. Look, if you told me that the Vulva was like, not even a spaceship, just the Vulva was powered by tachyon particles and you were a scientist, I'd probably believe you at this point. Interestingly, in actual fact, tachyon particles are what they use to stick carpet to floors. I like the fact that they said it's designed to reduce drag. And I thought that the whole point of drag was to make things look more feminine anyway so i i don't know what's going on in other space news a comedian is planning on being shot into space james nookie say you're

the sexiest man alive tell us about pete davidson going to space well Well, thank you. It's just nice to be noticed. Look, Pete Davidson has been offered, and this is very Jeff Bezos. This is through Amazon. They want to take him up in Bezos Space Company, like they did with William Shatner, and then they got a little special Shatner in space up there. I'm guessing his will be called Big Cock, Big Sky,

or something like that. And I just think, look, if you're Pete Davidson, don't do it. Like, not you. Send a comedian, but don't. It's a trap. All right. I mean, it's clearly a trap set by Kanye West. I mean, everyone can see this. Like all the billionaires are mates. Kanye's mates with Elon Musk. It just feels like the beginning of a dystopian sci-fi nightmare film where a TV comedian is launched into space and then it's just a revenge plot by Kanye West. It just seems like a terrible idea.

If your ex knows billionaire. On the other hand, you do get to be the first comedian to make What's the Deal with Shuttle Food jokes. Apparently Pete Davidson's already dating a Martian. So congratulations to those guys. What a brave, weird thing. Do you think that basically he heard that they were making that vulva-shaped spaceship and that was what prompted him

to want to go to space in the first place? Good for him. What a weird life that guy has. Like he just sort of seems to amble from amazing experience to amazing experience seemingly not sort of trying to you know do anything he's a bit like the mr magoo of sort of incredible life experiences and yeah i've got to i've got to respect the hustle there but like you say be careful pete i just don't think someone who smokes that much weed should be in a rocket. I just don't think...

I just don't like... Hey, I think Pete Davidson seems like a decent guy. I don't know him. But he also seems like the kind of dude who would definitely sneak a joint onto a spaceship to smoke in space. I'm no scientist, but that just seems like a bad idea. Do the effects of both smoking weed and flying into space cancel each other out? So for Pete Davidson, will this experience be like getting on a number four bus or something? And it would just be the most sort of pedestrian boring day.

So if you were fired into space, willy or nilly, what would be the first joke you would say when you broke the atmosphere? I'd have to turn to the astronaut next to me and ask them to pull my finger like it's a classic it represents the culture you know you're not it's not you know it's one small joke for me but it's one giant joke for comedian kind tom i'd probably just stand on space and go, this place has less atmosphere than the crew comedy junction. Then the fact that there's no laughs after that are sort of quite fitting in a way. Yeah, I mean, the worst Zoom gig of all time. Today's pullout section is a fitness and lifestyle special

listing all of the things you can do to be beach body ready this spring and summer. Suggestions include taking your body and going to the beach, being at the beach, going away from the beach after enjoying the beach. And if you don't have a body of your own, there's a whole grab bag of tips for raiding your local morgue or cemetery, including headstones make a terrible surfboard, and how many abs can you collect and staple onto your Frankenstein. Are you boys beach body ready?

Just want to note this is one of those moments that I can say this as a female comedian and you could not say this to me as male comedian. I always enjoy taking advantage of this window in history because 10 years ago wouldn't have worked, wouldn't have been allowed to host a podcast. Ten years from now it will just be sexual harassment in the workplace. But right now we're on the point where I can ask you a question like that and have it not be horrendous.

Well, I'm proud to say I've got a beach body, but it's a body that was found on the beach having sort of become waterlogged and the police are currently trying to investigate what the injury on the back of my head is that led to my untimely demise. So I'll keep you updated on that. Yeah, my two brothers brothers one is a scientist who does hikes through the new zealand mountains and is quite cut and built and is an international hockey player and the other one's a rugby player in like sydney who just shredded because he was

bored during lockdown and that just kind of takes the pressure off. I'm just sort of letting my hair thin out, considering growing a beard, just looking at cheesecake and going, yeah, I'll eat that at the beach. Like just take a cheesecake to the beach and just eat it going, ah, my brothers are hotter. I'm the funny one. Look, I just think you should treat your body not like a temple, just with some level of respect, like a public toilet you know you're going to use again.

That's the level I'm looking for in a beach body. Treat my body like a public toilet. That you're going to use again. That's the important second. Preferably piss out of it, not into it. Okay, let's not examine that metaphor too closely. That brings us to the end of our show. We're flipping through the ads at the back.

Tom Neenan, have you got anything to plug? As usual, all of the things that I would like to plug are happening way too far in the future to be any relevance now, so I would just encourage people to follow me on Twitter, at T Neenan, where in good time, I will be revealing all of the exciting things that I will be up to then.

If, you know, between now and the heat death of the universe, I promise I will do something with my career. That is my promise to you. Oh, I would also say that I have a radio show called The Haunting, which while I think not available on iPlayer right now, you can order off of Penguin Books online, audiobooks. So if you like kind of creepy ghost stories with a modern technological twist,

then maybe look up The Haunting and download some of those because I think they actually get paid for that. Wouldn't that be amazing? So do check those out. And James Nukise, what have you got to plug? Well, people can follow me on Twitter, James Nukise, which will be tagged in this, I think.

As always, I have my mental health podcast, which I've not done any new episodes for, but has been quite helpful to people during the pandemic. We don't have anything on the start of World War III. We don't really anticipate that as being a need for society when we start a mental health podcast, but we do have some stuff on living in the pandemic phase. It's called Eating Fried chicken in the shower,

which, you know, it's just a good thing to practice if you want to get that beach body ready for summer. And I'm Alice Fraser. You can find me online on Twitter and Instagram at alliterative, A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E or follow me on patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. That's a one-stop shop for all of my stand-up specials, podcasts and blogs blogs as well as

my weekly Tea with Alice salons where we sit and zoom and have a bit of a chat and I'm on tour, I'm doing my show Kronos at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at the Perth International Comedy Festival, at the Sydney International Comedy Festival, then I will be in London doing previews and spots and shows all over the place and around the country

including Wales on the 19th of July which I've just confirmed I'll be doing that gig all over the place and around the country, including Wales on the 19th of July, which I've just confirmed I'll be doing that gig. Last time I was in Swansea, I got bedbugs. With your wife, James Nokesay. We've both got bedbugs. So Swansea will have to redeem itself. And after that, I'll be in Edinburgh and then in the wind.

But find that all out on Twitter or by following me on Patreon. There's no other way to find out what I'm doing at all, ever, unless you ask me directly. Ask me, why not? This is a Bugle podcast, an Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. I'll talk to you again next week.

You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.