The Gargle - Triple penis guy | Airport hugs | Snowboard drugs

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

Siân Docksey and Joe Kent-Walters (aka Frankie Monroe) join host Alice Fraser for episode 179 of The Gargle.All of the news, with none of the politics.🍆 Triple penis guy🫂 Airport hug limit🚮 Bitcoin trash scrabble❄️ Snowboarder drug cartel🎃 ReviewsWatch on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/@BuglePodcastSupport Bugle podcasts here https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateWritten by Siân Docksey and Joe Kent-Walters Produced by Ped Hunter, with executive production from Chris SkinnerHOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donate Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Here heroes are made by their wits, their words, and the gargle! Welcome to the gargle! The Sonic Glossy Magazine to the Bugles audio newspaper for a visual world. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, bringing you all of the news and none of the politics. Your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Joe Kent Walters. Hey, hello! Hello, welcome! And Sean Doxie.

Hello, everyone! It is a delight to have you. Before we strap on our Aeronaut goggles and leap into the skies that are this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. This week, the front cover is long-dead Irish author Bram Stoker posing provocatively with a newly discovered short story about murders, hangings and demonic children originally published in the 1890 Christmas supplement of the Dublin Daily Express and it has just been discovered now by a scholar who was reading around in the National

Library of Ireland. So we've got a new Bram Stoker story. Exciting news. Apparently it's going to win the Nobel Peace Prize for being real spooky. Is it a new monster? We got a new one to add to the monster canon. No, I think demonic children have been around for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a shame. I was ready for a new one. Sort of all of the old cohort. He wrote this story mid writing Dracula. So it's entirely possible that this is a cut scene from Dracula. Kind of like the boss baby of Dracula maybe. Or like the kinder egg toy within the franchise.

I really like that Bram Stoker is really committing to his own bit and coming back from the dead to reappear and deliver some literature. That's like a real consolidation of the brand. Yeah, really good. I mean, if it was going to be anyone, a revenant writer, Bram Stoker lurching one legged into the latest literary fiction awards. And that brings us to the satirical cartoon this week, which is everybody who wants to do business with America but is pending until the results of the election come down the

pipeline, reading polls. It's a picture of them reading polls and then saying, you can't believe polls and clenching their buttholes so tightly it causes a global prolapse. That's the satirical cartoon this week. And that brings us to today's top story. Top story today is the news of a man who, unknowing, had three penises. Sian Doxie, you're interested in multiples of three. Can you unpack this story for us?

Yeah, I'm very interested in multiples of three, especially in this of three. Can you unpack this story for us? Yeah, I'm very interested in multiples of three, especially in this sexy context. So the triple- I was thinking as a witch, but like sure. Oh yeah, sure. The triple penis guy. A dead man has been found to have had three penises that he was unaware of throughout his life.

Allegedly, he dead. We can't ask him. That's a shame. We can come back to it. This makes this only the second time ever someone has been found to have had three penises. Just a baffling admin point here. The article went straight to an unusual case of triple dick.

Like have we just leapfrogged over two dicks being not that weird? Baffling. So anyway, this 78 year old guy who donated his body to science and was being dissected was found to have two little hidden extra penises and he probably never knew. His dick would have looked normal from the outside but inside his scrotum he had two little backup penises like they're waiting on the reserve bench just begging to be set free. You'd think you'd be clued in by the way your balls got erect. Are the balls meant to be straight? Are they meant to be rods?

Okay, but on that, yeah, I think the alarming thing that it raises is that extra penises could be hiding anywhere on your body at any time. You might just think it's an extra nipple. What if you thought it was an extra finger? Since reading this story, I've been looking at my hands thinking, oh my God, what if I had 10 dicks all along? And the saddest thing about this story is that the guy never knew. He went through life with no idea that he's the triple whammy sex god. This legend legacy will only be preserved in death. That is the dick tripod story. It's an incredible thing and I can't stop envisioning a Rube Goldberg sort of coming

effect where the ones in your balls come into your balls and then the juice comes out of your balls. It's a real inception situation or like the Russian dolls of dicks just sort of hiding deeper and deeper in reality up to like a kind of black hole of ultimate dick that absorbs everything. Yeah. Yeah. And as female comedians, just having unexpected penises arrive is usually a negative thing. So that just this one fills me with delight. Entirely positive. Joe? Well, I like that the they call it trifelia trifelia is the medical term for it. And four, it suddenly everything clicked into place because four is obviously quadrophilia,

which is what that Who album and the film is, you know, it's about that mod from Brighton who's got four penises. And suddenly it all clicked in, I kind of remembered the film in a different light. And then of course Pinball Wizard as well was about the guy with Womble, you know, so the Who have been covering this for a long time. But I also thought, you know, like you say, Sian, he was dead, we can't ask him. So maybe he was just very humble. You know, he knew he knew all along, but he just didn't want to sort of broadcast it out and kind of, you know, reinforce, I don't know, the patriarchy. Maybe he was an ally. He didn't want to, he thought three penises. If the alt-right get, you know, the sort of sniff that there's someone with three penises, they might become the kind of

There's sort of a sniff that there's someone with three penises, they might become the kind of outright messiah. So he's cut it off at the tip. Yeah. But then all those people walking by being like, that guy has big dicks energy. I wonder why. Like Alice said, there is a kind of justice in it in that women are ambushed by penises, like on the reg so often, that a guy being ambushed by his own penises, and potentially that committing him to a life of great humility about it does feel like

a kind of cosmic rebalancing. Yeah, I think the Hoonies write another album. I mean, I just think maybe this is on the sort of slightly darker side, maybe this is the vagina dentata of penises, as it were, that you might accidentally come a penis. If it got dislodged or something. Just like a gun shooting tiny guns, you know. How much of the plot of Quadrophilia is about coping with four penises? Is it like a central narrative device? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's a three act structure, a four act structure.

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time three minutes, although if you're in New Zealand that's pronounced Mix Hug Time three minutes and it's caused some controversy apparently you're only allowed to hug people for three minutes. Joe Kent-Walters you've been held in the strong embrace of someone for at least three minutes, can you unpack this story for us? Yeah absolutely, so apparently it's to try and control the kind of human traffic in the airport. So areas have been getting clogged up with, I mean, I think it's an odd image, isn't it, that they kind of are trying to say

is the justification for it. Like I've never been in like a busy place moving through and there's just, there's never been a kind of cohort of people all hugging, blocking the way. I think that's quite bizarre really. That's what they're claiming is the problem, the root of the problem. So yeah, the sign says, only hug for three minutes.

And then it says underneath, for Fonda farewells, please use the car park. I think it's really funny like imagine saying that to someone you know maybe you don't know them that well and you're saying goodbye and you go hey you know this goodbye has been lovely should we should we take it to the car park? Honestly, nowhere more, nowhere more explicitly have people been told to go bang in the car park. And surely that's gonna cause more problems. But you know, I think, I think they're just gonna keep moving. It's gonna be a kind of a scale of the further away from the airport, the more explicitly

going to be a kind of a scale of the further away from the airport, the more explicitly the goodbye becomes. Yeah, obviously, it's got a big reaction on social media. I'm always a bit skeptical when a reaction like that gets, you know, like you kind of think, well, they must have known that, you know, the PR people in the airport. I just don't think anyone hugs for three minutes. If you really like someone, you don't hug them for three minutes. You hug them as much as you need to hug them. But like you only hug someone for three minutes if you're planning to murder them. You know, like you hug someone for three minutes when you're going to send a breakup text as they as the wheels lift off the tarmac. Like you don't hug someone for three minutes if you believe you're going

to see them again. That's just not going to happen. It is an ungodly amount of minutes isn't it? Especially for a cold northern man like myself, I think I've probably only ever hooked for probably less than one minute I think. Yeah I mean it's not spooning. Spooning you can do all night long but like hugging, like active hugging I feel is you know you got like a one and then a two and then a squeeze and then a pat pat and then you release them into the wild. Otherwise, it's just, it's a kidnap. Otherwise, it's just frotted. So, you know, like at that point, it becomes something. It's not a hug anymore. It's an embrace. The thing that they've not done, which I think, you know, if you're going to do it, do it.

They've not got a hug. They've not got a hug police. They've not they said it won't be enforced by any uh specialist security. Cowards, you know what I mean? If you're going for it, go for it. Make the hug police. Give them kind of like uh care bear uniforms. I don't know. You know, like uh. Yeah, give them those like pinchy hands on a stick, so they can like be like, oh, you break it up, break it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be great, but they've, they've, they've not done that. They've not, cause, um, they don't want to seem

draconian. I don't think that's, uh, if you're going to do it, do it, you know? Yeah. Spray bottle full of water off like a cat cat you want to teach a lesson. That's good. Oh, stink bomb. That'd be a good one. Stink bomb. Just the hug police stand next to your embrace and do a fart. I thought the thing that was a bit draconian and confusing was that they specify they're capping the length of goodbye hugs, like that is the hug that people are doing, like that is the message that's being conveyed. But it made me think like, is that the only reason people are hugging at the airport? Like it's a we're departing for a while.

And what if the cuddle said something like, you owe me money? Like what is there a sort of ratio of you owe me money. Like, is there a sort of ratio of message of hug versus length of contact? Like the goodbye hug seems to be the only one that's getting any attention. True, as I said before, like at three minutes, not a goodbye hug, it either becomes a hello hug

or it's got some other sinister motive. Joe? Well, if we were in charge of the of the Hug Police, then there'd be an extensive training program, the different types of hugs, how to spot if it's a goodbye hug. Yeah, I think we should get in contact really. I've not got much on at the moment,

so it sounds like a good project. I mean, it does sound like the creepiest job in all the world. Hi, I'm the hug inspector. Feels like a 90s t-shirt slogan, you know? Make sure the people who are giving out free hugs are licensed and properly regulated. And armed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that brings us to our reviews section. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. Shandoxi, what have you brought in for us this week? Well, at the risk of narcissistic navel gazing, I'm going to review being a Lana Del Rey fan, but strap in because there's levels to this. So firstly,

quick justification of why it is okay to be a fan of the American singer Lana Del Rey. Lana Del Rey does a lot of things, but principally, she gives time and energy to underrated feminine activities like yearning, self-sabotage, waiting to be rescued, doomed romance, hiding on the balcony. And there are all these things that you can't like actually do as an adult or you'll ruin your life. Lana does them and she makes them glorious. She's the tarragon of not having your shit together and it's great.

She is also to her credit, an amazing songwriter. And I'm gonna briefly explain why her music is so good. If you compare the Lana verse to the world of someone like Adele, in Adele's musical world, the message is usually, I have been wronged and I am suffering. In Lana's songwriting, the message is, I am suffering as a result of my own choices, and I'm going to keep making those choices. It's beautiful. She is like always in the wrong and she is fully aware of it. So as an artist, she has so much going on for her. Let's do things about her just purely as an artist.

Number one, Lana concerts are really, really boring. She's an amazing singer, songwriter, but she's not actually a very interesting performer to watch. She kind of like floats on stage, goes very kind of like into herself and there's a lot of flower decor. interesting performer to watch. She kind of like floats on stage, goes very kind of like into herself and there's a lot of flower decor. And she has a lot of support in terms of like backing dancers and faff. But there's a weird political thing where all of these more talented performers can't look like they're better at performing than Lana. So they're turning it down to a three out

of 10. So they don't like upstage the star. So her shows are quite weird and they're too long. But if you're a hardcore Lana fan, it doesn't really matter because you're not there for the spectacle. You're just there to like bask in the Lanaverse, to be there in impeccable makeup, crying. It's like an evacuation of the soul.

Also side note, Lana Del Rey is quite a bad pole dancer, which I think in a way makes her a more authentic good pole dancer, but that's a whole other thing. Anyway, the more cultural reasons that being a Lana Del Rey fan is mortifying. time window before Lana says something absolutely politically unacceptable. You can see in her interviews that unlike Taylor Swift, who's very politically articulate, Lana Del Rey doesn't really give interviews, which I think is a tactical intervention from her PR team. They have decided to keep her mysterious, which is coded for keeping her quiet. She's definitely at least like a low key conservative. We have bets in the office where I work on what her undoing will quiet. She's definitely at least like a low key conservative. We have bets in the office where I work on what her undoing will be. That's a lie, I'm the only one in the office

talking about it. I'm betting on the offshoots, but they all have to listen. Bets on what Lana might say that is her complete brand reputation tanking. It'll probably be something quite anti-feminist. She might come out in support of trad wives. There's probably some bad racial politics mixed into how much she glamorizes like old school Americana, which is at best naive, at worst, like terrible white feminist harmful, or possibly the brown lip liner that is so weird. Why has it come back? We hate

it. It's there. So being a Lana Del Rey fan comes with this ticking time bomb before it all falls to pieces, which irritatingly is also very Lana to be having a doomed fatalistic romance with your own fandom of Lana Del Rey. And more embarrassingly, it's just mortifying to be a Lana Del Rey fan because she just floats around being miserable about men. While for example, Chapel Road is like redefining queer art for a generation. Taylor Swift is bullying half the world's population into liking ourselves more. And Lizzo is twerking while literally playing the flute. So being a Lana Del Rey fan, one out of

five stars. One out of five stars for being a Lana Del Rey fan. Joe, what have you brought in to review for us today? My review is I'm going I'm going short and sincere here. OK, I I I love these tiny pumpkins. I love them. I love them so much. They cost 70p from Morrison's. I can't think of 70p spend that's made me as happy

as this tiny pumpkin. I know it's a podcast and I'm, I mean, you can't see me looking so lovingly at this, this little squash, but it's so nice. I think I look at it for about an hour a day. I've just got one, I just bought one. I should buy more really, but then I don't know. I've just got one, I just bought one, I should buy more really but then I don't know I started to it feels like a child so I don't want to make it

jealous with with buying more but I look at it for about an hour a day it's it's it's so small but it looks the same as a big one but it's small. Five stars for for tiny pumpkin Sincere question, is it like an oracle ball? Do you kind of like is it a meditation thing? Do you see questions about your own life like reflective back at you? It's you know what it's more like and remember on MSN there was that thing smart bot smart it was it was like a really early AI that you could chat to. So it's like an AI that you can chat to, but it's one from 2004s. It's really dumb. Can't really add anything. That's perfect. If you would like to see the small pumpkin, you may find us at The Gargle on YouTube, where you can see us do the podcast with our faces if that's the kind of thing that you enjoy. Otherwise I'm sure Ped will put it up in the social media posts on Abluesky

and X and do we do Instagram? We don't do Instagram. Go f*** yourself, Instagram. Speaking of going and f***ing yourself, that brings us to this week's next top story, which is a guy who threw away a $500 million drive in that it was not, it was a computer drive that contained a bitcoin on it, a hard drive that had a bitcoin thing on it. He threw it in the bin and he's suing the local government in order to search the dump where he thinks it went so he can scrabble. He's suing the government for the right to scrabble

through trash so that he can find his pretend money. But yeah, I mean, it is as pretend as any other money, but slightly more maybe. Sean Doxey, you've had conflict with the local government before. Can you unpack this story for us? Oh yeah, but not Newport City Council and oh, they are savage telling a 39 year old man No, you're too old to have a treasure hunt grow up and stop scrabbling through our garbage. Yeah, so I mean just

just what a blunder. This hard drive that had 7500 Bitcoin on it in 2013. Now he estimates the value has gone up to half a billion dollars. So this man in Wales is trying to charge Newport City Council for not letting him go scrabbling through their garbage. They've refused because going through the landfill would damage the local environment. He has tried to sue them for about half a billion pounds. So I don't know if anyone has been to Newport or wondered where the secret reserve of gold bars or dark matter that Newport City Council could have access to, could come up from to pay the bill. They have refused. I've been thinking about what Newport City Council might do if they had to front half a billion pounds and pay off the bill. Maybe they'd switch from Yorkshire Brew teabags to St. Bruce basics to cut down corners, downscale, they're planning for the office Christmas party. Pam, who runs the accounts at Newport City Council, would have a hard time getting that half a billion pound sum to James. But yeah, the really alarming thing about this story is this guy is obviously having an existential

falling apart in clumps because his whole life now centres around a hard drive somewhere in the garbage at the bottom of the dump. And he's been arguing that if he doesn't get this hard drive back, he will have wasted his entire life. And the bid that he's made is that if he got some of the money back, he would spend it like not all of it, but a little bit of it on Newport renovations. He said that he could make Newport City Council look like Vegas, which if anything sounded like even more of a threat. Well, he's quit his job. He had an IT job. He's quit his job and assembled a team of investors to who are going to split the money if they ever find it. I just I can't I like I cannot wait to write the movie Tip Heist. Going in at night against the rules and just scrabbling through.

I mean, you'd have to have a plan, you'd have to figure out where the 2013 rubbish was in the mountain of other rubbish. This is an extraordinary epic quest and it's so disgusting. It's so disgusting. Even one bin bag from yesterday that's full is disgusting. Even one bin bag from yesterday that's full is disgusting. Imagine 2013, like you find the hotspot of the 2013 bin bags. I mean, are you in scuba gear? Are you in nuclear hazmat disposal suits? I mean, what if you just find, what if you find a hard drive and it's just some photos of someone's dog. Also with the Heist movie you would have to sneakily get into Newport City

Council so they were tactically not looking while you're going in the landfill so the like techno utopian investors would have to find a way to infiltrate these like local Welsh people who were just running potholes and organizing the school faith. I think the investors are these local Welsh people who were just running hot holes and organising the school fate? I think the investors are the local Welsh people though. I don't think he's managed to get anyone behind it apart from the butcher and his brother and his brother's dog. I like this image of them I think these are the, I like this image of them being the, you know, he's saying, I've got this high team of investors behind this. And he's just got them all from the pub.

It's just his cousin who's like, I can't put any money in, but I can give you sausages while you haven't got a job. Yeah, yeah. Oh, but my neighbor Paul's got a shovel. Okay, we've got a shovel. That's a start, that's a start. This story gave me a good self-esteem boost because I've lost a lot of stuff in the trash. But I don't think I've lost anything up to the value of half a billion dollars, I think. I can't be sure. But I think it was like, maximum an iPod or the remote control for my parents' TV. the remote control for my parents TV. And that brings us to the final story of this week's episode of The Gargle and this is the

news that Ryan Wedding, a Canadian snowboarder, has been, is wanted by authorities for running a violent drug cartel that has committed murders and trafficked tons of Colombian cocaine, ironically, snow from Mexico to the US and Canada. Joe, Ken Walters, you enjoy skiing. Can you unpack this story for us? Absolutely. So it was 2002 that he competed in the Olympics,

in the Winter Olympics. Yeah, and it's since come out that... Well, I like to think there was an overlap between the Olympics and his gang activities. Not that clear from the article whether while he was also cruising down the slope, he was kind of, you know... Again, it's a nice kind of film plot, isn't it? Like, how can you weave those two worlds together? You know, maybe one of the other competitors, they had some other family links and he needed to make a threat very quickly. And what better way to do that than on national television at the Olympics. If you watch back his slope, he bashes into somebody.

And he does that gesture with his finger across his throat like that. I've made that up. I've embellished a bit of it. But it's cool though, isn't it? And you think, you know, he's, because I think anybody who becomes, well, not anybody who becomes the runner of a drug cartel, but you think that part of it is they've got a bit of a kind of cool complex, you know what I mean? They want to be badass, they want to be the top of the thing. And this guy's greedy. You can't be an Olympic snowboarder.

And I think he's got to, he's, he's, he's, he's had his fill by being an Olympic snowboard. He doesn't need to be a drug cartel guy as well. That's so cool that he's lame, like he's trying too hard now. The special agent who's in charge of the DEA investigation, Matthew Allen, said that Mr. Wedding, Mr. Ryan Wedding, it's just a, it's just a, I mean, mean, what kind of a name is Mr. Ryan Wedding? It sounds like the name of a hero in a romance novel.

Anyway, they've apparently triggered an avalanche of violent crimes, including brutal murders. That's a quote. They have triggered an avalanche of violent crimes, including brutal murders. He went on to say that Ryan Wedding went from navigating slopes to contouring a life of incessant crimes and I, he is so pleased with himself for those. Like he, as somebody who occasionally

writes topical news jokes, he went home and was like that was great. That press conference went so well. I talked about an avalanche, I just said navigating slopes, contouring a life of incessant crime. I mean, come on. He's had it blown up and put on the side of the office like a motivational quote. He's put his own Wikipedia page into his email signature. He's too smug about this. I just feel like, I don't think the investigator should be investigating what kind of like snow based puns you can put into your criminal cartel investigation announcements. I think that brain power should be going to looking for this ****.

I do disagree with Joe that it's like he was going for too much by being an Olympic snowboarder and leading a drug cartel. I think it's a genius combination of careers just because of the material because if you are a snowboarder and you're moving cocaine around the level of hiding in plain sight that you can do in both of these undertakings, like how much cocaine has been moved across these mountains? No one will spot it. I felt so bad that I found him a bit sexy. I'm embarrassed. I'm sorry. It's so gross. He's a sexy snowboard vigilante. I know. I know. Cancel me. Sexy by occupation. But I think he looks like the actual guy. I think he looks like he works in IT. I think he's got, you know what I mean, he's got that kind of, that look about it. He looks like he's a fan of Richard Herring.

He's managing a drug cartel. He's got to do loads of IT. So, leave him alone. Yeah, true, true, true. Poor Ryan Wedding. He's not, I mean, he's being kind of pursued for being very good at running cartels and having been very good at snowboarding. But I don't think he's that good at running cartels and having been very good at snowboarding. But I don't think he's that good at running cartels. Apparently, two of the three murders that he ordered were he accidentally murdered the wrong people. He murdered an innocent couple who by mistake. And I feel like that's a that's a bad hit rate mate. Like if you only managed to snow snowboard down one of the three slopes that you were intending to snowboard down that is not middle placement made. Do we know if he specifically arranged snowboard related murders? Did he go okay what's my skill

set? Going down mountain? Did he like engineer things so the marks were like you know, got to be dragged up a luge the wrong way or, or, or stampeded to death by a yak. We don't know. No, super unfortunately, his, his nicknames, uh, in the cartel are very generic, El Jefe and the Giant and like Public Enemy. When you just got a ream. I mean, look, the DEA guy's doing it. You've got a ream of possible options.

You could be the abominable snow smuggler. Like, come on, there's so many ways that you could go, but he's snow smuggler like come on there's so many ways that you could go but he's not he's not he's just sticking straight to the cartel nicknames yeah very disappointing could have thought that up with chat GPT it's not inspiring at all and that brings us to the end of this week's episode of the gargle I'm flipping through the ad section at the back. Joe have you got anything to plug? Oh yes I'm going on tour with my show Frankie Monroe Live which got best newcomer at the Fringe and it's going on tour in March. You can get tickets at frankemonro.live.com.

frankemonro.live.com and Shan have you got anything to plug? I'm doing a work in progress of my stand-up show Meat Shapes with Feelings with Lulu Popplewell at the Hen and Chickens Theatre in London on November the 5th. Bonfire night, so appropriate for some material to go up in flames. And for everything else I'm on shandoxy.com. Shandoxy.com, you can find my book, A Passion for Passion on unbound.com. It will be in your hands on the 6th of February, 2025.

And the more people buy it early, apparently the better that is for stuff. So if you've been thinking about buying it, you know, it's well and truly on its way. So we've got cover art, we've got internal art, they've corrected me on all my commas, it's all happening and in train. So unbound.com, it's called A Passion for Passion.

It's a very silly tongue in cheek defense of the romance novel genre. So if you love romance novels, please buy this. If you have no idea why people love romance novels, this is also the book for you. I feel like that's most people, so buy that. Also if you want to write with me, patreon.com slash Alice Fraser to the one stop shop for all of my Stant Specials podcasts and blogs as well as my twice weekly writers meetings. I do them twice a week, every week.

If you've got something you want to be working on, you could do worse than doing it with me. Patreon.com slash Alice Alice Fraser sign up to join the writers group and this is a bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production your editor is ped hunter your executive producer is Chris Skinner I'll talk to you again next week you can listen to other programs from the bugle including the bugle catharsis tiny revolutionsolutions, Top Stories, and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors,

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