The Gargle - Twitter porn | Airdropped nudes | Energy bills

Episode Date: September 8, 2022

Debutants Cerys Bradley and Liz Miele join host Alice Fraser for episode 78 of The Gargle, the weekly topical comedy podcast from The Bugle - with no politics!🐦 Twitter porn monetisation✈️ Air-dropped nudes🌡 Rising energy bills💰 Scrooge McDuck🦶🏻 ReviewsProduced by Ped Hunter and Chris Skinner.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

or tracks or engines of some variety. God, what a hot sell this is. I mean, you must be so excited. Listen now. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Every sport has their big, juicy controversy. Boxing has the Mike Tyson ear bite.

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. be set. The lords of their hands assembled from the east and the west they drew, Baltimore, Lille and Essen, Brummingham, Clyde and Crewe, and some were black from the furnace and some were brown for the soil and some were blue from the divat, but all were wearied of everything but the gargle. Hello, this is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for Visual World. I'm your host, Alice Fraser, and this week's guest editors are Liz Mealy and Keris Bradley. Welcome. Hello. Hi.

Just starting off with a little bit of Kipling. Why not? Why not? It's the kind of edgy podcast that this is. Before we plunge into the top stories of this week, we're going to have a look at the front cover of this week's magazine. This week, we're going to have a look at the front cover of this week's magazine. The front cover this week is Brendan Fraser posing provocatively next to a revivified career. The headline is George returns from the jungle to star status. The satirical cartoon this week is Mark Zuckerberg sending his wife a message with his mind during a board meeting, but she has speakerphone on at a family dinner, so a dick picram appears above the table and the title is boy is my facebook red lol here are some of the passing headlines

thomas the tank engine is due to introduce its first autistic character which i would say is more than overdue for a show about trains that's not catering for a niche audience it's like suggesting rupaul's drag race should include someone who will bring both the fashion and the drama breaking news that harry styles did not spit on Chris Pine, which is the first I'd heard of it. I missed the news that Harry Styles did spit on Chris Pine, so I've been deprived of a week of having an opinion about that. I guess I'll have to go back and read the horny spit incident fan fiction

to really get the objective scoop. Liz, Keris, were either of you following these stories? I was not following the Chris Pine story in any chronological order, and so it made no sense whatsoever. But I really like the take that instead of getting spit on, he's now just so old that he forgot where he put his sunglasses, and has the exact same reaction to being spit on as he does to finding his sunglasses in his lap.

That made me chuckle this morning. I'm just happy I know one out of the two people you mentioned like i was just like i don't know who chris pine is i just know that i in the last day i've heard his name i'm sorry he may or may not have gotten spit on i'm pretty sure you can just trade him for one of the other chris's oh yeah no that's that's actually really smart put chris pratt in there in the image that you're playing in your mind and it's virtually exactly the same good okay oh yeah someone got spit on or didn't and i think didn't but some people thought he did and had an opinion about it okay so that's always a fun thing well during covid that is i would say that's an extra you know before it's like don't spit on me and

now it's like hey man that's my health what are we we doing here? Yeah, I have a grandmother. Yeah. Don't boast. Some of us have grandmothers, some of us don't. There's also news that a cat translator has come out that promises to translate your cat's meows into human speech, which I think is worrisome. I'm assuming that I can't wait to eat your eyeballs, hairless servant isn't in the list of the options for the AI, but if it is, I will consider buying the app and

then possibly later buying a cat when you said that a cat translator had come out I thought you meant like as gay and so my only reaction was good for them fair enough good for them didn't realize it was such a like difficult industry in which to to be yourself I mean I think it's the only industry they're able to be themselves that's the whole job of a cat owner is just accept that they may never love you and you're you have to be it's like having a perpetual teenager like and believe like the most part you think they'll come back and love you again but cats are like no this is my natural state at all times you're right uh caris uh coming out is now like come out has been a loaded term now for a little while. Maybe we should expand the use of things.

Coming out should now be called being launched. I've been launched as gay. Oh, man, that's so much money. You're going to have to have backers for your gayness. There's too much. I don't know if I want to be launched into a new part of my life. There's too much. I don't know if I want to be launched into a new part of my life.

Let's look at our top story this week. Social media news now. And Twitter's attempt to monetize pornography has been halted due to child safety concerns. Liz, have you been following this story? Can you unpack it for us? Okay. So I think the first thing you need to know is apparently Twitter's poor. Like, I don't understand why that's how they led with this. It's really hard.

It was really hard for me to continue to read knowing that Twitter is poor. I was like, I had no idea they were struggling so much with their poorness. But apparently they're poor and they want to find new ways to make money. So they... Without marrying Elon Musk yes exactly sort of have to have to hunt a fortune they didn't want to marry rich they're like I'm a strong independent app and I'm not going to marry rich so their thought was all these only fans people are actually use Twitter to kind of advertise their only fans so they wanted to skip the middleman

and become like kind of their only only fans but this is where it's like interesting. I guess there's like this app on an app that helps kind of look at pornographic stuff to show if it's, you know, people that are, you know, being sex trafficked, trafficked. Yeah, that's what I said. Um, if they're under 18, if it's, you know, child pornography, all this kind of, you know, scandalous, horrible stuff. And so what I'm starting to learn is that really good apps, rich apps have the money to know if these bad things are happening and, we can't tell the difference between a good time and a bad time. And because we can't tell the difference between a good time and a bad time, it is unsafe for us to do this because it's going to open us up to lawsuits, which it has already done. Because I guess Twitter out of all the apps is the least, um, they don't have, I guess their guidelines say that you can have a, you know, be sexy on it. Unlike a lot of, you know, TikTok, if you even say the word sex, they just mute you.

And they're like, no, we don't believe in sex. We don't even know how you got here. But Twitter's like, yeah, we have it. Just be, you know, nice about it. Karis? Yeah, I was surprised. I wouldn't have pegged Twitter as having it. Let's face it, it's the app for angry nerds.

I wasn't expecting this to be the one that was trying to be OnlyFans' biggest competitor but I'm guessing Twitter kind of had to step into that role because when they stopped Tumblr from being Tumblr, someone else had to do it and I'm guessing Twitter became the horny

platform at that point because it is the app for angry nerds and that is your target demographic for pornography. became the horny platform at that point because it is the app for angry nerds and that is your target demographic for for pornography I mean the fall of tumblr came after the fall of live journal let's not forget our history so one of the worst jobs that I ever had was for a brief period before the pandemic uh my job was to check the like report function for uh social media platforms so i had to go and find um anti-lgbt hate crimes report them and then count how long it took for the platform to take those things down and so my whole job just eight hours a day was looking at videos and posts and things of of

anti-lgbt content um which is pretty horrible That sounds like the worst job I could imagine in the modern world. But it means that I do have a lot of sympathy for the algorithms that they use to identify unsuitable content, because I'm not going to lie, I spend a lot of that day actually procrastinating and watching puppies do nice things in videos on YouTube instead of doing my actual job, because my actual job was horrible. So I don't hold it against the algorithm that's meant to search for unwanted content actually dossing most of the time because it must be really stressed just this robot being like why is humanity awful yeah and then also everyone keeps saying that so uh in a lot of the coverage in in this story

people are talking about how like some people have got sophisticated algorithms for identifying unsuitable content but ultimately all of the algorithms are really bad because it's really difficult and I think it's just because the AI is not very judgmental what the AI has learnt by being trained

on the internet is that people have a very wide range of sexual preferences and so it just doesn't want to kink shame anyone. So there was one story about a guy who sent his doctor some pictures of his child's enlarged scrotum because he was worried that his kid was ill. And the computer was clearly like, I'm not gonna if that's if that's if wonky testicles is someone's thing, I'm not going to, if that's, if that's, if wonky testicles are someone's thing, wonky testicles are someone's thing. Who am I to judge? I'm a robot.

So I just, I don't think we should blame the computer for being confused when we try to train it on our own sexual preferences. It's just trying to be like non-judgmental. That's all the time we have for our apps judging whether things are gross or cool news. Now it's time for your ads. whether things are gross or cool news now it's time for your ads your ad section now and this episode of the podcast is brought to you by the repercussionist it's like musical chairs but it's musical consequences and the backing rhythm is provided by the repercussionist and this episode of the podcast is brought to you by half a glass of water imbibers who want a certificate of completion please apply to the Half a Glass of Water Institute enclosing your full name, documentary evidence of ingestion,

and a stamped self-addressed envelope. And this episode of the podcast is brought to you by Congress. Is it political? Is it sexual? You find out. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts podcasts here's a show that we recommend every sport has their big juicy controversy boxing has the mike tyson ear bite cycling has lance armstrong baseball has its steroid era. Curling has...Broomgate. It's a story of broken relationships, houses divided, corporate

rivalry, and a performance enhancing broom. It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com Now it's time for your travel news.

This is the travel news that a pilot has had to threaten to stop the flight, turn it around, take it home, and no one gets their dinner on time if passengers didn't stop airdropping nude pictures on Southwest Airlines in America. Keris, have you been following this story? Yes, I loved this story. Basically, a pilot for a flight to Cabo had to say, like, if you don't learn to behave yourselves,

I'm going to turn this plane around. And then reportedly, when they reversed off the runway, just put their, their arm behind the headrest of the co pilot and looked over their shoulder instead of using the rear view mirror to do the reverse. And my favorite thing about the story is so basically someone filmed the entire event, they were one of the filmed um when the pilot had to say like someone is airdropping nudes and so they've got it all on camera and what they said was whatever that airdrop thing is quit sending naked pictures and i really like the fact that a qualified pilot doesn't know how to use an iphone doesn't understand that technology like if i had been one of the passengers on the plane i immediately would have gotten off the plane I'm not being flown to Cabo by someone who doesn't

know what airdrop is or someone being like oh I just I need my grandkids to explain my iPhone to me no thank you you're not piloting my my plane well also stop accepting them yeah you have to accept it if it's being airdropped to you you can just say no I mean not to victim blame no no it's that was my initial perspective. And my whole thought was like, if you go into the haunted house, I mean, you're going to have some ghost interactions. Like, don't accept.

Like, you are a part of this process. Like, don't do it. Like, the whole time you're just like, no, no, no, no. Every time I get an airdrop, I'm just like, who's dumb enough to open this? And then apparently it was a whole plane. Well, this is what happens when Twitter can't use its platform for pornography.

People have to start sharing photos on aeroplanes. But apparently there was, so this is a problem with the airline, so Southwestern Air. They've had another passenger who earlier this year was caught masturbating four times on a flight. So I don't know what they're doing that is making their passengers so horny before the takeoff. Liz? Oh, as somebody

that takes Southwest, it's our cheaper, it's like, it's not as cheap as like, it's not a Ryanair. So it's not that far over. But it's also so the first thing you have to know about that masturbation person, you choose your seats, you don't get an assigned seat so that woman walked in was like sure that's like that's the risk I'm going to take as somebody that takes the subway in New York City you know what risk you're taking and you go I'm not going to sit there this is a high level risk seat I'm going to go back further so she took that risk again don't want to blame but at any point she could have gotten up and probably gone to a different seat there's like seven people on that plane you know you're just like a little bit like what what are we doing

yeah but the thing you don't know about the fact scenario is that the other six were masturbating worse yeah yeah it's actually what they don't tell you is it's a masturbating airline it's a very free form you know sexuality is just really getting it's getting out of control and at this point planes are just another place that you can express yourself. No smoking. Yes. Stroking. Yeah. But what I found so like ridiculous about this is both the fact that somebody like is accepting airdrops, but also the fact that like, it's pretty, I mean, it's pretty easy to find out who's airdropping. I mean, just first of all, what you said with iPhones, like anybody that has an iPhone, that's where the airdropping is coming

from. But it's like, all you have to do is just look at the person. I kind of wonder how that guy started recording immediately. Like, how did he know that that was going to happen? I think the guy recording is a little suspicious. That's my take. I think when you get on a Southwest airline, you've got to start recording immediately because you know something exciting is going to happen. Yes. That's all the time we have for our surprise airdrop news because now it's time for your reviews. As you know, each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars. Liz, what have you brought in for us this week? I brought in bubble tea. If this doesn't get five stars, I'm going to be furious. Oh, isn't that so funny? It's like down. it's like truly it's either zero stars what is why am I why is this a choking hazard that

somebody gave me or five stars I didn't know that drinks could be fun and I'm a five star I'm a hundred percent like is it a choking hazard or do you just not know how to have a good time and I like the like, I guess as a woman on the go, I'm in New York city. I got things to do. I like to eat and drink at the same time. Why can't you, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a multitasker. Maybe you just don't know how to live life to the fullest. So I think it's for people that are busy. I think it's for people that are like, I'm, I'm 37 years old, but I dress like a teenager. And I think my beverage should also be a part of that lifestyle. So I look like a teenager drinking this weird tea.

I also dress like a teenager. And nobody will ever know my real age. And that's what I think bubble tea. It's like a backpack. Like as soon as you put on a backpack, all of a sudden people don't know how old you are. And that's what bubble tea does for you. It takes 10 years off your life, probably because it's not healthy as well. But I really think it's just, I don't know, every day is great with bubble tea. They have so many

flavors. I got my mom into it. I think she lost like three gray hairs. She was like so excited. I just find it to be just the, it is what Dippin' Dots tried to do in the 90s is what bubble tea is successfully doing today. I have to say, I got my dad into it as well. And you can have healthy versions. That's the great thing about it. There's a range from moderately unhealthy to extremely unhealthy. And you get to choose where on that spectrum you want to sit for the day. I'm a big fan.

So you're correct. I don't normally review reviews but 5 stars for your 5 stars Oh I'm honoured Keris what have you got for us today Plantar fasciitis that's what I'm reviewing which I want to give negative stars

I give it negative 5 stars it's a very, if you don't know what it is it's a very painful inflammation of the foot and it's very painful and the main symptom is is pain and a lot of it I'm so sorry and I hate it I hate it for many reasons one is that there's no nothing you can do about it you're just meant to like rest your foot and then hope that it goes away because nobody really knows like what causes it or how to make it go away so once you've got it you just have to hope that it sorts itself

out and you've got no idea if it's going to do that but mostly the reason why I hate it is because now when I get up in the morning I have to hobble around and I look like my dad and I've never looked more like my dad than when I've got this and I can't walk properly and also coming downstairs I now look like my 60-year-old father and for that reason I would like to give it significantly negative stars, many, many negative stars. That sounds deeply upsetting. That review section has run the spectrum from things I enjoy to things I do not enjoy.

I hope that your plantar fasciitis goes away soon. Now it's time for our rising energy cost news in depressing news. The media has come out, let's say, punching in favor of people saving money by doing ridiculous things. There's a story out in The Telegraph that I think is worth unpacking. Keris, do you want to have a first swing at it? Yeah, so ironically, I couldn't read the whole article because it's on the Telegraph and they've got a paywall. But I really wanted to find out their top tips

for how to save money. I think that their top tips for how to save money are to go into the office and buy a Pret sandwich every day at lunch. And I think that's how we survive the energy crisis. Other solutions that I think I've seen were if you buy one of those treadmill desks, and then you hook the treadmill up to a generator, and then you just run constantly whilst you're working all day, you can power like your heating and everything else in your home. But if you can't do that, then you have to go into the office every day. Otherwise, you won't be able to afford your energy bills.

So the solution to the current cost of living crisis, according to The Telegraph and basically all other media news outlets, is participating better in capitalism. If we just all do that, then we can get through this together i think i think that's the gist of the article based on the first four lines that i was able to read without paying the money all these ridiculous things like boiling the kettle three times a day would add eight pounds a month to your energy bills which is a hundred pounds a year whereas if you go to work and like sleep in the showers while nobody's watching, then you can save £800 a month on your rent. Like it's genuinely deranged behavior from, let's not be surprised that it's the Telegraph.

Liz, as somebody who's not in this kind of current het up environment in the UK, is the US giving people fun tips on how to save money? So we both went through, what, a heat wave? You guys don't have air conditioners or that you don't believe in them. I don't know. I don't know what your religious beliefs are. But I don't know, whatever. I just know enough that heat wave in Europe, not as many air conditioners you guys were suffering. And for us, we would get constant emails during our heat wave that was just like, hey, energy crisis, you know, turn off your AC

or save your life. And you're just like, hey, like, I you know, turn off your AC, da, da, da, da, or save your life. And you're just like, hey, like, I live near Times Square, like turn off Times Square. Like it's always, it always comes on the consumer, like the individuals, the same thing when it comes to like recycling, where it's just like, you horrible people, did you buy a piece of plastic? You're awful. And then you're like these whole corporations. So it's the same kind of idea where you're just like, I don't understand why it's all on me. And all these costs are my problem. And then you guys can do whatever you want. So this whole idea that you have to go back to the office, and that's going to save you so much money. You're just like, what? Like, how? How is it? How is this any? I have to drive there. I have to talk to

people. There's so much more murder that's going to happen if I go into the office. There's a part of me that's just like, you're like, yes, maybe I save $8, but you're not taking in all the murder. It's true. Murder is a great cost to society, but good for the environment, depending on how you do it, depending on how you dispose of the corpse. Let's brainstorm about this after. Oh, yeah. If you bury it and it becomes a tree, you're just a good person. It said in the article what they were aiming to do with all of the tips and tricks and things and um having to go into the office and things like

that it was going to save you 900 pounds a year uh that's what you've got to save in order for it to be worth you working from home um given that i am someone who hates people uh i can't afford this but i would like to offer to pay everyone 900 pounds so that they don't have to go back into an office environment like i will find the money somehow because I believe so strongly in not having to work in office environments with people if you need £900 just stay at home I mean personally I think the telegraph should give you that money but if the telegraph can't give you that money I will give you that money but if you're paying someone if you've got like a working from home job if you've got like an office job that you can work from home then you're probably earning like in the range of like 20 to 40 000 pounds a year we're

looking at that kind of group of people who the cost of the crisis is going to be a problem but also they have the kind of job where they can work at home if you're paying someone 30 000 pounds you can pay them 30 900 pounds oh yeah. I don't understand how I understand this situation better than a Telegraph journalist. Well, you actually have to understand that Telegraph is also strapped for cash, so they've had to look for these numbers. Yeah, they're taking their own advice.

They're out there just being like, hey, have you thought about stealing tea from the office? Like, I just really... You have to think about the source of these numbers, which is up someone's arsehole. That's where they found these numbers uh very very respectable journalists the telegraph was this telegraph article written by the one person who still likes coming in the office because they miss everybody and they want to persuade all of their co-workers who as soon

as they got the opportunity to work from home so they don't want have to hang out with this guy anymore they're desperately trying to persuade them that they all have to to come back into the office and hang out with them because they've been lonely this whole time i guarantee the person who wrote this is the aggressive muffin bringer i thought it was written by the office dog like just a dog that's just like i haven't gotten any scratches in like two years i feel like nobody loves me also this article was written by the person that makes their own toothpaste. Like that person that's like, you don't need to buy it. You could make it.

You could, you could, it would take you hours to do. And then it doesn't last as long. And it actually doesn't actually clean your teeth. And assuming that you go through one tube of toothpaste a week, it'll save you $2 a year. And you're like, cool. That's all the energy we have now for our energy news, because now it's time for your

scrooge mcduck news scrooge mcduck news now this is the news that a couple has found 250 000 pounds worth of gold coins uh under the floor of the kitchen in their north yorkshire home liz have you ever found anything exciting in your kitchen so i live live in New York city. I found many mice, um, named all of them. Uh, actually I kept naming the same one over and over. I kept, uh, giving the same name to, to several mice because I refused to believe that there was more than one. So I went, I went full like that's Gus. And then I was like, Gus is getting bigger. Gus is a rat now. Um, so I would say mice, roaches. Um, I don don't know like a roommate brought somebody over and they're on the couch now but nothing nothing that brings real value into my life if i'm being honest

the great thing about this story for me is that uh they found it all in a cup there was a big cup full of 260 gold coins uh so someone's clearly got a piggy bank or piggy cup and they've been collecting saving up for a rainy day and then they died before the rainy day came uh keris would you drink this cup of coins well so they found these coins in 2019 so clearly what has happened is that they disturbed a cursed treasure and then everything that has happened since then is their fault so it's great that they've got 250 000 pounds which they didn't need because they could already afford to renovate their kitchen if you can afford to renovate your kitchen you don't need a 250 000 pound windfall i tried digging through the floor in our kitchen but we live in the third floor of an apartment

building so all i found was the people who live downstairs um but they they were able to renovate their kitchen they don't need a windfall they disturbed the treasure which was not theirs and now we're living in a series of global crises so I mean it is their fault I think that's the great thing about knocking through the walls in an apartment building because your apartment size gets a lot bigger downside is now you live with more but if you're friendly it's okay i just wish there was somebody that was like put it back put it back i feel like i'm reading a lot more of these recently have you seen the one recently about um they found an ancient vampire who was buried with like a sickle over her neck so that if she ever tries to rise from the dead she'll decapitate herself and they were like oh this is gonna be a fun thing to excavate let's see what's happening

here my favorite line in the windfall story is that the cup used to belong to the most influential merchant family in hull from the late 16th to early 18th century which is quite a niche claim to fame if you're the the most influential merchant family in hull is that they call me the hull king is that a cv worthy worthy title also just nice to know that influencers have always been around yeah smoky hull eye we're winding up this episode so i'm flipping through the ads at the back. Liz, you've got a new special out. Yeah, it just came out yesterday.

It's called The Ghost of Academic Future, which I feel is very much present in our articles today. So that's out on YouTube already. I'm touring. I was in Europe a couple of months ago, but I am touring mostly the U.S. right now. My book is about cats. It's called Why Cats Are Assholes and that's out everywhere.

I always say the best thing to know about my book is all the page numbers are cat buttholes and I think that's the real selling point. Carys, what have you got to plug? So it's very far in the future, but it means you can put it in your diaries now. On Wednesday the 7th of December, I am going to be hosting a new night for it's going to be a big celebration of trans men, trans masc, butch, non-binary people. We're going to have a big cabaret. It's going to be really fun. It's going to be in London. And if people follow me on social media, they'll get all of the details about it. But it's called Boys Night and you should all come to Boys Night.

Go see Boys Night. go see The Ghost of Academic Future. A big thanks to our roving reporters, Robert Silito, who sent us the monetised Twitter porn story and the in-flight nude story, which was also sent in by SofaKingMe and General Generalist who sent in the secret kitchen hoard news.

I'm Alice Fraser. Find me online at at alliterative on Twitter and Instagram. That's A-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E or patreon.com slash Alice Fraser which is a one stop shop full of my stand up specials podcasts and blogs

I would advertise my special that is being filmed on Sunday in London but it's sold out so you'll have to wait for it to come out on

the internet this is a Bugle podcast an Alice Fraser production your editor is Ped Hunter your executive producer is Chris Skinner tweet us at

hello garglers I'll see you next week you can listen to other programs from the Bugle including and Alice Fraser Production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner. Tweet us at HelloGogglers. I'll see you next week. You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions and The Goggle, wherever you find your podcasts.